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OH MY GOODNESS ITS HAPPENING
by Andrew Davis
Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes, it is really happening. You have read our group right. You don't need glasses I promise. I promise.
For the first time in history, it is really happening. It's never happened before in the World Cup, and I'm pretty sure its never happened before in any sporting event (though I'm not exactly sure.)
Is everyone excited for the big reveal? I sure am. Because this is literally the best thing to happen to our team ever. For the rest of the multiverse I'm not so sure; pretty sure they can't really tell the difference - have you heard South Covello's recently disposed of President (and by disposed, I'm sure we'd love to see him executed, but I guess times change in countries)...
If you haven't, you've probably been living in a bush and couldn't actually care less about this. Because this is for people who actually care. About stuff. Which you evidently do not. But we do. We care. Which is why everyone is so excited. But especially me. I'm not sure if you can tell or not.
No, I don't care if this is up to professional journalism guidelines or not. Why? Because no one cares what it reads like, THEY JUST CARE ABOUT THIS ONE AMAZING THING IN OUR WORLD CUP GROUP THAT HAS EVERYONE EXCITED!
Not following? Good. Or not. Depends on if you're interested or not. But I guess you can't find out if you're interested or not until you actually find out what I'm writing about, and you can't find out what I'm so excited that I'm writing about until I stop rambling and actually tell you what I'm excited and writing about. So basically, I'm excited about
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Sorry. A cat jumped on my keyboard. But I'm too excited to delete it so we'll press on. Is this trashy to be writing like this? Probably. Who cares? Everyone is just too excited about our world cup group.
THAT EXCITING THING IS
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OMG WE'RE IN A GROUP WITH ESHAN. ITS ESHANE. WE'RE SO EXCITED. IT'S OUR FAVOURITE COUNTRY THAT ISN'T OURSELVES. (Don't worry Damukuni I promise we like you too but we kinda have a v. special relationship with Eshan and kinda Revan is a legend so...)
We're gonna meet up and all our fans are gonna be like super-friendly and then we'll invite them all round our house for a BBQ (okay this is obviously a joke because our garden cant fit everyone that fits in the stadium but ssh its a metaphor alright) and then hang out and it'll be great for bonding as 2 really close allies.
And then because we really like each other as nations and we want to meet each other again in the final (that's possible right) we will make sure that we draw with each other giving us the opportunity to both progress out of the group easiwr (I mean we'll probably beat them but still I said we'll be nice alright) and then progress down our different knockout bracket paths.
But on a serious note, Eshan is an amazing country. And I want to go there on holiday. Revan, I can't afford plane tickets because I am poor and have a family, please can you invite me?
Oh, and I'm sorry to all the foreign nations that probably don't understand this. Because it's Eshane. I know you get us confused all the time. And if I were you, I would probably get us confused as well. But don't worry. I'm sure we can help you understand the difference.
This one's Ethane and that one is Eshan. Oh wait, sorry, no, that one is Ethane and this one is Eshan. Actually, no, I was right the first time round. Or was I? Okay, I can see how you find telling us apart difficult now. If you really can't tell the difference, just call us Eshane. That's kinda our ship name. (there is totally not a ship called Eshane in our naval armaments that is the ship that is first to go and support the other nation when they need it, totally not.)
But there you go. FELLOW ETHANIANS BE HYPED, 3RD MATCH HERE WE COME.
Fellow multiversians (or whatever you want to call yourselves), good luck. #ESHANE
(PS. I'm probably gonna lose my job over this aren't I?)
VS Sargossa
GK: Jeremiah Shepard
LB: Theresa Desantis
CB: Justin Crawford
RB: Joshua Cook
LM: Iwan Roberts
CM: Leyton Underwood
RM: Xavier Rengart
CAM: Josh Montoya
LF: Scott Burgess
CF: Declan Smith
RF: Mohammed Hope
SUBS: Nicholas Reed (GK); Eric Morris (LB); Darien Fear (CB); Devon West (CDM); Kyle Ford (RM); Dexter Vorbeck (ST); James Rodriguez (CF)