Well that was a waste of $20.
I’m currently on my way home from “Slender Man”, a blatant attempt to appeal to the controversy surrounding the Slender Man Stabbing in 2014, without anything, you know, controversial. Indeed, there are numerous instances of this film trying to be edgy, while simultaneously engaging in numerous clichés common to mediocre horror films such as this. The acting was mediocre, especially from the actress whom I presume to be the protagonist. I say this because the characters in this film are unmemorable and indistinct, except for one character, the alcoholic and presumably abusive father of a girl who was taken by the Slender Man. That guy provides unintentional comedy, to the point that I suspect that he was intoxicated while his scenes were performed.
The plot is largely stereotypical; without doing much to spoil the film, I’ll try to describe it: in an unimportant, economically dead, small Northeastern town, much like the town where I reside, there is a group of bland teenage stereotypes. I think they were supposed to have pathos, but the writers likely forgot to do that. Anyway, one day, presumably while intoxicated (I saw what I thought was a bottle of whiskey or vodka or something for five seconds on screen), they decide to summon the Slender Man, and do so... by watching a shady, shoddily made internet video on what most definitely is a reliable website. The film even mentions that this makes little sense, but this is more a sign that the writers were lazy and likely hacked out the screenplay in an afternoon and went with it without proofreading.
After summoning the Slender Man, one of the girls disappears while on a field trip. As the rest of the girls try to find a way to find the missing one, various paranormal crap happens to them. And now I’m home. Anyway, the various misfortunes that the Slender Man causes to occur are made with laughably awful special effects, and numerous times during the screening I attended the audience burst into laughter. But, sadly, these primarily happen in the second half of the film.
As a side note, the editing in this film is incomprehensible at times, with random scenes/b-roll footage intercut with the actual plot of the film. At one point, the teenage stereotype that I think was supposed to be “edgy” is in a public library doing research on the Slender Man. And, as someone who works at a small town’s library, the library in the film is rather impressive and luxurious, especially given the implied poverty in the town. Anyway, the Slender Man starts messing with things in a sequence that was presumably meant to be scary, but comes across as ridiculous, making the edgy girl seem passive and incompetent.
Incompetence is a recurring feature in this film, with the characters often making decisions so poor, you’d think the film to be a farce. But, within the film, these decisions are apparently the “reasonable” thing to do. At one point, the girls devise a ritual to get the missing girl back. It fails, not because the ritual was flawed, but because the girls got spooked and decided to quit while they had about 90% of the ritual complete. And it wasn’t even an evil ritual! Given their knowledge of the situation, they should have completed the ritual. But they didn’t and that’s terrible.
I don’t want to spoil the ending, but there’s an epilogue at the end by the younger sister of the “main” girl. It was infuriating, and likely put in there to address concerns brought about by the controversy. The epilogue is the most insulting part, essentially boiling down to “Creepypastas are bad, because their 2spooky and give the Slender Man power.” It’s as dumb as it sounds, and then? The credits roll. The only useful part of the film, because it shows the names of the people responsible for this cinematic abomination.
In short, “Slender Man” is bad. However, while I’m not sure about this, it might be enjoyable if one watches it while on drugs. Then again, watching paint dry is likely enjoyable while on drugs, and at least then something of value is happening.
RATING: F
So, NS, what are your thoughts about the film? Is my critique flawed? What film should I review next week? Feel free to comment.
