NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

[Trotterdam]

Oh, almost forgot to post this. Actually got it a couple hours ago.

#978 Alone in the Dark

The Issue

Convicted criminal and former journalist @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ was recently released from @@CAPITAL@@ Central Penitentiary. @@HE/SHE_1@@ is now revealing to the media the horrors that @@HE/SHE_1@@ suffered behind bars, specifically the "torture and terror" of solitary confinement.

The Debate

1. "Solitary confinement is demoralizing, dehumanizing, and wrong," explains @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, letting wind and rain soak your desk paperwork as @@HE/SHE_1@@ throws your office window wide open. "Research has proven that it causes immense levels of lasting psychological trauma! It's also much more expensive for the prison system, and is little more than state-sanctioned torture. The inhumanity of prisoners left alone in the dark must end! Ban it now!"

2. "We only put the troublemaker in the sin bin because @@HE/SHE_1@@ kept causing problems," remarks Warden @@RANDOMNAME@@, shoving the former convict into your broom cupboard and wedging the door shut with a chair. "While solitary is used punitively to maintain prison discipline, it can also be deployed to protect the safety of the confined inmate or of other prisoners. Besides, all these ding-dongs gave up their rights the moment they turned to crime."

3. "All these prisoners are just sitting around soaking up government money; why not make them give back to society?" asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, local mad scientist. "We'll take a kidney, or maybe a cornea or two, and send them on their way. It'll be fantastic! They don't have to sit around all day wasting our money, and they get to go on doing whatever it is that they do. Think of all the lives we can save!"

Issue by Zhokinland
Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

(Note: I got a male named Silvio for the main character.)

I somewhat recently watched a game theorists video (sorry but it was actually a good one sent by a friend)
that mentioned that randomness really isn't possible with computers so they instead have to simulate it.
(course it was also hypothesized that irl randomness in of itself works in a similar way)

Standard computer random number generators aren't fully random because they rely on consistent formulas, though there are ones that are good enough to be indistinguishable from true randomness for practical purposes (the trick is to calculate way more data than you actually use for each random number, and only report a small portion of it - so even if you know that small portion, you can't predict the next random number without knowing the hidden stuff).

However, there are techniques for introducing true, non-algorithmic randomness into computers, generally by tracking stuff like nanosecond delays in the computer's hardware and incorporating them into your calculations. Most computer games tend not to use these, however (and their availability is operating-system-dependent).

[Test X5]

Wouldn't happen to have the author and editor, would you? (pretty sure the author's Baggieland though)

I just got #976. It's Issue by The Imperial Glorious Empire of Baggieland
Edited by Nation of Quebec

[Jutsa]

Thanks

My word, Trotterdam; that's a scary issue there. We've got a lot of darker issues coming out, lately, haven't we? *rimshot*

Added! Thank you Trotterdam and congratulations to Zhokinland.

[Frieden-und Freudenland]

#980 Small Claims

The Issue

The small, barren, and uninhabited island of Hanshedrik is claimed by both Frieden-und Freudenland and Skandilund, and for years both sides have playfully vied for its control. New satellite images have shown that the Skandilundian flag has been planted on Hanshedrik, along with a gift of danishes. As you have no other plans today, you have called for a meeting to finally solve the dispute once and for all.

The Debate

1. “Two can play at this game!” declares your brother while lusting after the very tempting danishes on your desk. “We ought to respond in kind! Let’s plant our flag on Hanshedrik, and leave them a nice gift of Frieden-und Freudenlandian cheese. After all, mother always said there’s nothing wrong with a little friendly competition!”

2. “Or we could simply give the island to Skandilund as a gesture of our goodwill,” suggests your sister, after one of the danishes mysteriously vanishes. “In a world full of hostile nations like Blackacre and Maxtopia, wouldn’t it be nice to have a reliable ally? Giving them Hanshedrik would be a sign of respect. Perhaps we could even invite them to negotiate a military alliance, all at the low, low cost of a worthless island and a bit of national pride.”

3. “Excuse me? Don’t tell me you’re suggesting that we give those Skands OUR island!” roars your Defense Minster before she starts whistling innocently as another danish disappears. “Playtime is over. If these frozen hippies want OUR island, they’ll have to fight us for it! We must establish a military base on Hanshedrik and defend it at all costs. That means more funding for the military to make sure everything goes smoothly.”

4. “Must everything come down to war?” sighs the rarely seen ambassador of Qaanpaluk, a mysterious, but wealthy, nation made of a series of frozen islands. “Technically, Hanshedrik belongs to neither Frieden-und Freudenland nor Skandilund and therefore is not yours or theirs to give away. Our ancestors discovered the island centuries ago and it has a spiritual significance for us. We are not an unreasonable people. If you give the island to us, we’ll grant you access to some of our gold deposits.” Just as you are about to grab a tasty danish, you notice the plate is now empty.

Issue by Nation of Quebec
Edited by Nation of Quebec

[Solar Trionar]

Issue #979

Issue: A Patronising Statement

The Issue
The unveiling of a painting of Duke Nick Leach’s daughter resulted in quite a commotion at court yesterday evening, when palace guards had to break up a scuffle between the Duke and the artist commissioned to paint the piece. Now that the persons in question have had a night to simmer down in the castle dungeon, you have requested their presence to better explain themselves.

The Debate
1) “I have patronised this worthless wastrel for six years! Six years and he produces this!” bellows the Duke, brandishing his fists at the cowering artist. “This was to be a present for my dearest daughter, and this sot - deep in her cups I’d wager - vomits up this abomination that resembles nothing other than Beelzebub’s rear end! I demand repayment of her patronage and if not, I must be allowed the right to beat it out of the wretch’s hide!”

2) “I... I am sorry but I cannot return the Duke’s coin,” tremors Theresa de Archer, wringing together her hands, which are stained with what is presumably red paint. “It has been spent in the execution of the painting, on the finest pigments from Dàguó and the finest wench- er- models for the piece. Besides, the good duke scarcely helped. Throughout the painting he was always questioning me when it would be complete, or if I should not include this or that within it. I am an artist! I must follow my muse! You cannot hold us artists at fault if the viewer doesn’t find the painting to their liking, can you?”

3) “Ugh! This is, like, so twelfth century!” scowls Lady Naki Leach, watching her father rage with an expression of absolute embarrassment and disdain. “I’ve taken, like, fifteen selfies of myself today and uploaded them to MyFace already and you haven’t liked one of them! I’ve totally got better things to do than sit still for another portrait. You should tell these painters that they have to take photos from now on. I’ve always thought you were way cooler than my dad, Leader.”

Issue by The United Socialist States of Caracasus
Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

[Australian rePublic]

Westfailian Sovereignty

The Issue

After the United Federation sent two police cars, a police helicopter, five drones and a wind-up toy into Australian rePublic to capture “Mega Momo”, an Australian citizen and alleged terrorist, the government has called a special meeting to see what should be done about this blatant breach of sovereignty.

The Debate

“We need to modify our military – and sharpish – to keep those United Federation pests out of our national territory,” angrily growls General Simpson, whilst marching a platoon of troops into your office. “We need to stop them from doing it again. Order the entire army to the border, and have them shoot any intruders on sight. That’ll learn them!”

Accept

“Are you mad?” exclaims Anna Benteen, one of your more queasy ministers, while trying to conceal her worry beads. “The United Federation has Gigadeath 4000 planes, Smashtastic 2000 helicopters and Udienow 500 missiles, and we barely have glorified crop-dusters! We need to engage the international community and try to convince them to join us in enacting sanctions against the United Federation. That will show them we’re serious!”

Accept

“Was it so bad for the United Federation to bring their coppers here?” sighs Earl Gruber, your Border Patrol Chief, while rolling his eyes at the other speakers. “Mega Momo is a terrorist and if the United Federation police got him first, then good for them! In fact, if other countries want to cross our borders to arrest someone, we should let them. Then there’d be fewer criminals for us to worry about.”

Accept

Dismiss This Issue

Issue by The Federation of Australian rePublic

Edited by Baggieland

[Frieden-und Freudenland]

Westfailian Sovereignty

The Issue

After the United Federation sent two police cars, a police helicopter, five drones and a wind-up toy into Australian rePublic to capture “Mega Momo”, an Australian citizen and alleged terrorist, the government has called a special meeting to see what should be done about this blatant breach of sovereignty.

The Debate

“We need to modify our military – and sharpish – to keep those United Federation pests out of our national territory,” angrily growls General Simpson, whilst marching a platoon of troops into your office. “We need to stop them from doing it again. Order the entire army to the border, and have them shoot any intruders on sight. That’ll learn them!”

Accept

“Are you mad?” exclaims Anna Benteen, one of your more queasy ministers, while trying to conceal her worry beads. “The United Federation has Gigadeath 4000 planes, Smashtastic 2000 helicopters and Udienow 500 missiles, and we barely have glorified crop-dusters! We need to engage the international community and try to convince them to join us in enacting sanctions against the United Federation. That will show them we’re serious!”

Accept

“Was it so bad for the United Federation to bring their coppers here?” sighs Earl Gruber, your Border Patrol Chief, while rolling his eyes at the other speakers. “Mega Momo is a terrorist and if the United Federation police got him first, then good for them! In fact, if other countries want to cross our borders to arrest someone, we should let them. Then there’d be fewer criminals for us to worry about.”

Accept

Dismiss This Issue

Issue by The Federation of Australian rePublic

Edited by Baggieland

Aww, congratulations Aussie!!!

[Trotterdam]

Watch out for an overhaul to #302, probably including but not limited to folding the first two options back together.

Also watch out for another option on #979, though it's possible that's from another issue.

I'm likely to need some help with these effect lines.

[Jutsa]

Congratulations Caracasus, NoQ and Aussie! All pleasant reads; was really looking forward to that Aussie one, and I really like NoQ's.

The list of religions and list of nations have been updated, as well as this list.

But, I have to wonder: How many of these names are random? Is there an alternative option to 979.3 and 980.1? Where is 977?
And is that Westfailian Sovereignty named after Westphalia or is Westphalia named after something else I don't know about?

[The Candy Of Bottles]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Westphalian_sovereignty

[Australian rePublic]

Congratulations Caracasus, NoQ and Aussie! All pleasant reads; was really looking forward to that Aussie one, and I really like NoQ's.

The list of religions and list of nations have been updated, as well as this list.

But, I have to wonder: How many of these names are random? Is there an alternative option to 979.3 and 980.1? Where is 977?
And is that Westfailian Sovereignty named after Westphalia or is Westphalia named after something else I don't know about?

Thanks!
Also, WestFAILia- as in Westphalia has failed

[Jutsa]

Thanks, Candy. :3

[Wine-loving Chimps]

Quite the issue spree there. Well done everybody

[Trotterdam]

#979 A Patronising Statement

The Issue

The unveiling of a painting of Duke @@RANDOMMALENAME@@'s daughter resulted in quite a commotion at court yesterday evening, when palace guards had to break up a scuffle between the Duke and the artist commissioned to paint the piece. Now that the persons in question have had a night to simmer down in the castle dungeon, you have requested their presence to better explain themselves.

The Debate

1. "I have patronised this worthless wastrel for six years! Six years and he produces this!" bellows the Duke, brandishing his fists at the cowering artist. "This was to be a present for my dearest daughter, and this sot - deep in @@HIS/HER_1@@ cups I'd wager - vomits up this abomination that resembles nothing other than Beelzebub's rear end! I demand repayment of @@HIS/HER_1@@ patronage and if not, I must be allowed the right to beat it out of the wretch's hide!"

2. "I... I am sorry but I cannot return the Duke's coin," tremors @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, wringing together @@HIS/HER_1@@ hands, which are stained with what is presumably red paint. "It has been spent in the execution of the painting, on the finest pigments from Dàguó and the finest wench- er- models for the piece. Besides, the good duke scarcely helped. Throughout the painting he was always questioning me when it would be complete, or if I should not include this or that within it. I am an artist! I must follow my muse! You cannot hold us artists at fault if the viewer doesn't find the painting to their liking, can you?"

3. "You say art, we say impious images," intones hierophant @@RANDOMNAME@@, nearly concussing a guard with a swing of @@HIS/HER@@ thurible. "This trend for painted depictions of Divine Creation is sheer blasphemy, and worse still are the nobles who fritter their wealth away on worldly images instead of entrusting their coin to the Holy Temple! Condemn these unholy works to the flame, lest we encourage the very worst acts of debauchery and fornication within our very nation!"

Issue by Caracasus
Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

"Weena" is a male name, apparently. And yes, I got a female artist who was still interested in wenches, with pronouns to match. Hierophant was female too.

I probably didn't get option 4 due to No Computers / No Internet policy.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Weena ought to be a girls name, I'm sure. I don't have easy access to the full name list though so can't confirm.

[Jutsa]

That was not at all the fourth option I was expecting.
Edit: And a female artist "deep in her cups", apparently.
Edit2: Actually, I wonder if this artist is always female...

[Caracasus]

Edit: And a female artist "deep in her cups", apparently.

I wrote it using appropriate language for the time period. Just wait until I write a 18th/19th century themed issue. People will be ejaculating loudly everywhere.

[Bears Armed]

#980 Small Claims

The Issue

The small, barren, and uninhabited island of Hanshedrik is claimed by both Frieden-und Freudenland and Skandilund, and for years both sides have playfully vied for its control. New satellite images have shown that the Skandilundian flag has been planted on Hanshedrik, along with a gift of danishes. As you have no other plans today, you have called for a meeting to finally solve the dispute once and for all.

The Debate

1. “Two can play at this game!” declares your brother while lusting after the very tempting danishes on your desk. “We ought to respond in kind! Let’s plant our flag on Hanshedrik, and leave them a nice gift of Frieden-und Freudenlandian cheese. After all, mother always said there’s nothing wrong with a little friendly competition!”

2. “Or we could simply give the island to Skandilund as a gesture of our goodwill,” suggests your sister, after one of the danishes mysteriously vanishes. “In a world full of hostile nations like Blackacre and Maxtopia, wouldn’t it be nice to have a reliable ally? Giving them Hanshedrik would be a sign of respect. Perhaps we could even invite them to negotiate a military alliance, all at the low, low cost of a worthless island and a bit of national pride.”

3. “Excuse me? Don’t tell me you’re suggesting that we give those Skands OUR island!” roars your Defense Minster before she starts whistling innocently as another danish disappears. “Playtime is over. If these frozen hippies want OUR island, they’ll have to fight us for it! We must establish a military base on Hanshedrik and defend it at all costs. That means more funding for the military to make sure everything goes smoothly.”

4. “Must everything come down to war?” sighs the rarely seen ambassador of Qaanpaluk, a mysterious, but wealthy, nation made of a series of frozen islands. “Technically, Hanshedrik belongs to neither Frieden-und Freudenland nor Skandilund and therefore is not yours or theirs to give away. Our ancestors discovered the island centuries ago and it has a spiritual significance for us. We are not an unreasonable people. If you give the island to us, we’ll grant you access to some of our gold deposits.” Just as you are about to grab a tasty danish, you notice the plate is now empty.

Issue by Nation of Quebec
Edited by Nation of Quebec

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hans_Island... which makes the reason for those references to danishes obvious...

[Trotterdam]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hans_Island... which makes the reason for those references to danishes obvious...

(Fixed the link for you.) One wonders why using "danishes" as a food is acceptable, but #965 had to use "dàguó" instead of "china" when referring to porcelain. Though that's only really in the title, so maybe it's just a one-time pun rather than china always being called that in the NS universe.

While we're on sources, Qaanpaluk is very obviously meant to sound like an Eskimo language, though I can't figure out if it means anything for real. Note that in real life, they don't own their own nation... (Greenland almost counts, but it's officially part of Denmark.)

[Nation of Quebec]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hans_Island... which makes the reason for those references to danishes obvious...

(Fixed the link for you.) One wonders why using "danishes" as a food is acceptable, but #965 had to use "dàguó" instead of "china" when referring to porcelain. Though that's only really in the title, so maybe it's just a one-time pun rather than china always being called that in the NS universe

I'm glad people are getting the Hans Island reference, as I thought that it would be a fun topic for an issue.

If anyone is wondering about Qaanpaluk, take a look though the wiki and you should be able to piece it together.

[Minoa]

The small, barren, and uninhabited island of Hanshedrik is claimed by both Frieden-und Freudenland and Skandilund …

More like @@NAME@@, Skandilund … and Minoa now.

[Lord Dominator]

The small, barren, and uninhabited island of Hanshedrik is claimed by both Frieden-und Freudenland and Skandilund …

More like @@NAME@@, Skandilund … and Minoa now.

If we're playing that game, I've had Skandilund for quite awhile

[Frieden-und Freudenland]

More like @@NAME@@, Skandilund … and Minoa now.

If we're playing that game, I've had Skandilund for quite awhile

I have South Lebatuck, just in case it becomes relevant one day

[Lord Dominator]

If we're playing that game, I've had Skandilund for quite awhile

I have South Lebatuck, just in case it becomes relevant one day

I actually took the NPC nation list and ran through it (plus permutations used in the issues) looking for the nations

[Candlewhisper Archive]

One wonders why using "danishes" as a food is acceptable, but #965 had to use "dàguó" instead of "china" when referring to porcelain. Though that's only really in the title, so maybe it's just a one-time pun rather than china always being called that in the NS universe.

Wonder no more!

It's fine to call china china. It was just considered to be funnier for that one instance to call it Daguo.