{BOLDSPORT} Low Quality Bonesea Sports News

by **Bonesea** » Sun May 07, 2017 11:06 am

Who will be the next Adnan Szalai*, Callum Banda, or Val Kylx? [Perhaps Adnan Szalai will retain his Szalai-ness]

Boldsport Magazine, proud purveyor of shoddy sports journalism since about last April, brings you the second edition of what is sure to be the global phenomenon of the Boldsports Sports Writers Awards for the greatest football players in the universe: The Galacticos Index.

Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, Izzy Worthette:

As was the case in the last cycle, the great and glorious, the old and the ancient, were gathered together at the glamourous - well, for Bonesea anyway - Royal Polarian Hotel on Herring Island, to the north of the capital Spittalsea to celebrate the mighty feats of our multiversal greasy churners (that's footballers to you and me) who have brought such entertainment for the last three hundred years or so. And what better place to assemble, in a hotel named after the home islands of the legendary late Sol Kierkegaard, for whom one minutes' solemn applause was given in memory of his recent passing. That, I am ashamed to say, was the highlight of a prematurely cancelled event.

Naturally the Eurans are an overly-sensitive bunch at the moment with all the argy-bargy running amok in their home nation, so it was no surprise in a way that a fight broke out on the dinner table of Globe Cup runners-up Revolutionaries; but it would appear after reviewing the CCTV footage later that in fact it was not the poor war-weary Eurans who started the fight but foreign team-mates who began by throwing tea-cakes at each other in jest and then at some point lost their sense of humour and their tempers. Young Sunrisian keeper Brâm Couch seems to have drawn the ire of latino pair Meysom Salume and Sebestián Núñez, and Spittalbuns were replaced with eclairs as Euran team-mates tried in vain to calm everyone the fibula down. However it all got out of hand with Turoki Tide keeper Ondrej Cech having a go, and the bunfight at the R.P. Hotel spread to the Farf' Avenida Leal team - Mattías Passarelli not endearing himself with his team-mates when he started blowing pecan twists willy-nilly; Ruy Monrazón and Trejo Maes intervening with custard pies and muffins. Chromatik Kéìrâ Andísorí with the Starling detachment launched a pre-emptive trifle strike at the neighbouring Myrmidon FC table, seemingly aimed at Stewie Burns. The poor Nepharans of Starling, Crisibless, AFC Treason, Moths and Brinemouth were entirely covered in gateaux within a minute of the first crumbs being scattered, caught in a patissaerial crossfire. Even the elves had taken damage. While many looked to the sage old legends of the Holy Asylum in the corner for some assistance and a call to order, they seemed entirely pre-occupied. Simeone de Bradini and Juan Tzimichesapeake seemed to have amassed at least double the amount of chocolate truffles than any other guest at the table, and were busy counting them with the baffled Audioslavs and Slanizstas while everyone else covered themselves in an edible sort of infamy.

When it was done, the dinner was ruined, the Royal Polarian rather soiled, and there was no appetite for the presentations to follow. It was agreed the best course of action would be to cancel the event and let the good people of Boldsport deal with the mess, and publish the results online. Next cycle, we all agreed, there would be less sugary food at the event.

It has been an exhaustive process to get to this point and the journalists who make up the panel of sports writers have followed no less than 196 players across the top of the game from 30-odd nations and 23 of the best clubs in world football. This long, long list of superstars and cult heroes is as follows:

And so onto the longlist, whittled down to the best thirty-nine players in the multiverse in the last cycle, and the locals have cause to celebrate with Napoléon getting onto the list to represent Bonesea. Although, of course, he's only Boney by adoption. And he doesn't play in Bonesea any more. And he's banned from the national team... so a small victory, really. Anyway, without delay, the longlist, in alphabetical order, is as follows:

Morlaithan Aldamiel		713	DC	VAL	AC Izotz Zubia
Kéìrâ Andísorí			 22	ST	CMT	Starling
Kyron Bartley	 		 22	F	OSR	Brinemouth
Gregory Besoitagoena		 28	MR	AUD	AC Izotz Zubia
Jonathan Bosetti		 31	M	VLD	Brinemouth
Serabi Chamya			 23	MC	VIL	Mliona-Lpaka
Tájö Çíânflöné			 26	A	FFD	Raynor City United
Patrick Courtois		 35	DC	VLD	AC Izotz Zubia
Espy va Drake			764	M/F	VAL	1830 Cathair
Roddy Fraser			 23	F	AUD	AFC Treason
Robbie Guerricaechevarria	 24	AM RC	AUD	KT Moreazerau
Laborious Hawk			904	AMC	VAL	AC Izotz Zubia
Jirijii Januaa			 25	DLC	VIL	Mliona-Lpaka
Aaliyah Johnson			 26	F	OSR	Sabrefell Moths
Dieter Konoval			 22	DC	NPH	KT Moreazerau
Ilglerdiriel Lithvathar		735	M	VAL	Raynor City United
Sieglinde Lohengrin		 23	D	NPH	Crisisbless
Trejo Maes			 32	WB	FFD	Avenida Leal
Alain-Napoléon Marchand		 30	ST	BSE	Cednia Beach FC
Rodger Mariezkurrena		 21	ML	AUD	KT Moreazerau
Gael Marquez			 28	DC	AUD	1830 Cathair
Deirdre McNessa			 28	D	COS	Starling
Scheherazade Meier		 27	M	NPH	Sabrefell Moths
Calogero Metz			 30	GK	FFD	Cassandra City
Ruy Monrazón			 28	M	FFD	Avenida Leal
Paranawê 			 23	DL	USI	AC Izotz Zubia
Ursula Rankin			 30	A	BRE	Tanrısal
Kiliko Riazen			 25	FC	VIL	Mliona-Lpaka
Trenn Rien			 25	ST/RW	CMT	Avenida Leal
Hazel van Robben		 27	ST/AM	QUE	1830 Cathair
Drê Röènôùjýâ			 32	D	FFD	Brinemouth
Carlos Alberto Sáez		 33	A	VLD	Raynor City United
Faeron Soldarian		634	DMC	VAL	1830 Cathair
Peter Svensson			 27	D	COS	AFC Treason
Adnan Szalai			 27	MR	NPH	Ulsa
Vedran Tarashaj			 24	M	NPH	AFC Treason
Abraham Terrazas		 31	GK	SJG	AC Izotz Zubia
Gareth Westmeade		 27	D	NPH	AFC Treason
Rodolfo 'Fito' Zelaya		 33	CF	SJG	1830 Cathair

We now begin to whittle down our candidates towards the prizes. First, I’m proud to present the Galacticos Index Team of The Cycle sponsored by the highly sought-after watch maker Schu-Tallinger of Reselia. Each player selected for the Best Eleven plus seven subs will receive a highly valuable collectors item platinum Schu-Tallinger timepiece as well, I’m sure, as renewed terms on their contract.

The Boldsport Galacticos Team of The Cycle is as follows:

Special congratulations are due to Ilglerdiriel Lithvathar and Peter Svensson, who both make the Galactico XI for the second consecutive cycle.

And so to the shortlist for the player of the cycle. This is where we get to the real nitty gritty - thirty-nine becomes nine. And the nominees, in alphabetical order, are:

Kéìrâ Andísorí		 22	ST	CMT	Starling
Serabi Chamya		 23	MC	VIL	Mliona-Lpaka
Tájö Çíânflöné		 26	A	FFD	Raynor City United
Jirijii Januaa		 25	DLC	VIL	Mliona-Lpaka
Ilglerdiriel Lithvathar	735	M	VAL	Raynor City United
Calogero Metz		 30	GK	FFD	Cassandra City
Kiliko Riazen		 25	FC	VIL	Mliona-Lpaka
Trenn Rien		 25	ST/RW	CMT	Avenida Leal
Carlos Alberto Sáez	 33	A	VLD	Raynor City United

Ancient elfin type Ilglerdiriel Lithvathar reaches the short list for the second consecutive season, but there is no place for last cycle's player of the multiverse Adnan Szalai, who must hand over his crown to a new hero.

Let’s move on to the Boldsport Young Player of the Cycle, sponsored by NomNom world famous confectioners - because sometimes, sour sugar is good for you. With a number of young players competing right at the top of the sport already, this was a difficult and tightly-contested affair.

The three NomNominations, in alphabetical order, are:

Linkat Cjinder		18	DRC	VIL	Mliona-Lpaka
Rodger Mariezkurrena	21	ML	AUD	KT Moreazerau
Claudio Romano		19	ST	PAS	AC Izotz Zubia

And the winner of a lifetimes’ supply of sugar toucans and chocolate toads is…

And so we come to the final presentation - the Boldsport Galactico Player of the Cycle, sponsored by legendary dealers in precious objects, The Nomarque Mint of Taxhavn, who are providing the winner of this prestigious award with the equally presitgious prize of Nothing^TM - for the man, woman or person of indeterminate gender who has everything.

“Nomarque Mint present our finest creation to date: Orbis Vacuume, the latest in a legendary line of Product N^o.1’s by the world famous Mint. 134.373924 millilitres of purest hard vacuum encased in a 3mm Adamant shell of 65.4mm diameter and an impossible 103.36% purity; nowhere in the entire multiverse will you find such extraordinary refinement, polished to a near frictionless 0.1255mu.

“And, naturally, it is beautiful beyond any useful scale of measurement."

But there can be only one Supreme Galactico or player of the cycle (mainly because we could only afford one Orbis Vacuume) and finally we are at the point where we can reveal them. But first, there must be honourable mentions for the close runners-up. In third place…

In second place, and what a magnificent rise to the top of world football it has been in such a short space of time…

And so, finally, ladies, gentlemen, persons of indeterminate gender, gender-irrelevant children, anthropomorphic creatures of the more distant corners of the multiverse and disreputable oiks covered in bakers confections - the winner of the Boldsport Galactico Player of the Cycle is:

And that concludes the Boldsport Galactico World Player of the Multiverse for the present cycle. Any complaints about the final decisions should be directed to spamfolder@boldsport.oi.

by **Bonesea** » Fri May 12, 2017 1:45 pm

by **Bonesea** » Sat May 13, 2017 1:07 am

by **Bonesea** » Sat Jun 03, 2017 3:13 pm

by **Bonesea** » Sun Jun 04, 2017 5:48 am

by **Bonesea** » Sat Jun 17, 2017 2:39 pm

by **Bonesea** » Sun Jun 18, 2017 2:47 am

by **Bonesea** » Thu Jun 29, 2017 11:50 am

by **Bonesea** » Mon Jul 24, 2017 3:02 pm

by **Bonesea** » Sat Jul 29, 2017 9:30 am

by **Bonesea** » Sun Aug 06, 2017 3:32 am

by **Bonesea** » Fri Aug 25, 2017 10:16 pm

by **Bonesea** » Sat Aug 26, 2017 1:28 am

by **Bonesea** » Sun Aug 27, 2017 1:39 am

by **Bonesea** » Sat Nov 18, 2017 2:35 am

by **Bonesea** » Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:49 am

Coming soon... Galacticos Index for UICA-68 review

by **Bonesea** » Wed Dec 20, 2017 1:26 am

by **Bonesea** » Sat Jan 20, 2018 3:02 am

Coming soon... IAC-3 review

by **Bonesea** » Sat Jan 20, 2018 3:02 am

by **Bonesea** » Sat Jan 20, 2018 3:02 am

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