[Accepted] (Redraft) You Got Stones

by **Abhichandra** » Wed Oct 11, 2017 6:16 pm

This is a redraft of You Got Stones, after I was told that I should make the premise stronger. I know I haven't been around GI much, and I hope that will change and start drafting more issues.

[title] You Got Stones

[desc] A nation-wide contest was held to find the best sculptures that @@NAME@@ had to offer. The winner was promised to receive ten million @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ from the government as a prize. However, as more people lost interest in the sculptures, and didn't win, they left them abandoned in the @@CAPITAL@@ Convention Center, where the contest was held.

[validity] Only valid for capitalist nations, nation has sizable wealth gaps

[option] "We can display them in museums!" exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@ museum manager of a failing gallery in @@NAME@@'s suburbs. "It doesn't matter if no one wants to see these sculptures, because as long as we preserve even the worst art, we still keep a part of the culture and history of our nation. Like that sculpture of you, @@LEADER@@. It's pretty awful yet it's proudly displayed in the center of @@NAME@@."

[effect] rotting "dumpster art" is now hung in some of @@NAME@@'s most famous galleries

[option] "We should distribute the sculptures en masse to our allies!," suggests @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Foreign Affairs. "They'll feel obliged to accept our gifts in order to maintain diplomatic politeness. And hey, at the same time we'll be sharing some of our culture with them too! ...Even if they aren't so happy about it."

[effect] Brancaland has "gifted" over nine thousand putrid moose carcasses to @@NAME@@ in order to maintain diplomatic friendship

[option] "We should just bulldoze 'em," urges bulldozer driver @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@, whom is notorious for always wanting a few extra @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@. "This is the simplest solution out there, and it minimizes the garbage in the streets. All I need is your permission, and a lot about 15 acres wide to start the smashing. I estimate the project be done, in as little as a few months".

[effect] con artists now have it easy by selling smashed bits of sculptures as old dinosaur bones

[option]"Or....we can repurpose them ourselves," says your in-law @@RANDOMNAME@@, who has been working on a campaign to eliminate waste. "@@LEADER@@, do you know what kind of items we can make with those sculptures? Paperweights! Weights! Very strong --and heavy-- phone cases! The choices are endless! Well, not exactly endless, but you know what I mean! And best of all, the economy benefits from these new innovations in the end."

[effect] stone wrist watches that weigh 20 pounds are the latest trend among @@DENOYMPLURAL@@

[title] You Got Stones

[desc] A nation-wide contest was held about two months ago to see who could make the best sculpture, and the winner was promised to get ten million @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ from the government as a prize. However, as more people lost interest in the sculptures, and didn't win, they left them abandoned in the @@CAPITAL@@ Convention Center, where the contest was held.

[validity] Only valid for capitalist nations

[option] "We can store them in museums!" exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@. "It doesn't necessarily matter if no one wants to see these sculptures, because as long as we preserve even the worst art, we still keep a part of the culture and history of our nation. Like that sculpture of you, @@LEADER@@. It's pretty awful yet it's proudly displayed in the center of @@NAME@@."

[effect] art that was once rotting in dumpsters is now hung in exquisite galleries

[option] "Leader, we should "gift" the sculptures en masse to our allies!" shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@. "They are obliged to accept gifts and hold on to the sculptures in order to maintain diplomatic politeness. And if they don't want the sculptures, ho ho ho! Then they will be forced to accept because they are our allies and must, I repeat MUST accept these "gifts".... for the sake of our diplomatic relations."

[effect] Brancaland has received over ten thousand rancid moose carcasses in order to maintain diplomatic politeness with @@NAME@@

[option] "We should just bulldoze 'em," bluntly suggests bulldozer driver, @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@ while eating a hotdog. "This is the simplest solution out there, and it minimizes the garbage in the streets. All I need is your permission, and a lot about 15 acres wide to start the smashing. I estimate the project be done, in bout' a few months."

[effect] con artists now have it easy by selling smashed bits of sculptures as old dinosaur bones

[option]"Or....we can repurpose them ourselves," says your in-law @@RANDOMNAME@@ who has also been working on a campaign to eliminate waste. "@@LEADER@@, do you know what kind of items we can make with those sculptures? Paperweights! Weights! Very strong --and heavy-- phone cases! The choices are endless! Well, not exactly endless, but you know what I mean! And best of all, the economy benefits from these new innovations in the end."

[effect] 75% of the populace has to help chop up old sculptures and make them into paperweights

by **Australian rePublic** » Wed Oct 11, 2017 8:27 pm

Hello Abhichandra
Option 6 should say "all I need" not "I'll I need"

by **Hinodia** » Wed Oct 11, 2017 8:29 pm

Description should say ‘left them abandoned’, not ‘abandon’.

by **Abhichandra** » Wed Oct 11, 2017 8:38 pm

Thanks! Now fixed.

by **Ransium** » Wed Oct 11, 2017 9:03 pm

Glad to see this redrafted, good luck!

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Thu Oct 12, 2017 5:51 am

Yes, thanks for bringing this back. Will make sure to properly contribute, please give me some time to add my 2 cents.

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Thu Oct 12, 2017 2:47 pm

Abhichandra wrote:Description: A nation-wide contest was held about two months ago to see who could make the best sculpture, and the winner was promised to get a million @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ from the richest citizen in @@NAME@@, @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@.

The prize seems small to create a national problem, I'd multiply it by ten. Degender the character as well - no reason for this citizen to be male.

I'd also suggest that either you need an option that makes it this citizen's problem to dispose of these statues, or you need to adjust the narrative to remove him from the story before the paragraph ends. so he can't be drawn into the options.

However, as more people lost interest in the sculptures, and didn't win, they left them abandoned in backyards, crowded in front of bus stops, and collecting dust in streets. Now, a government meeting is being held to decide what to do with all the sculptures.

You've established here that THE STATUES ARE UNWANTED. This is important, we'll come back to this a few times.

The last sentence is problematic. Firstly, because there's no reason given why this is the government's problem yet. Secondly, because it's rarely good writing to end with "(These people) are meeting to discuss solutions / say what should be done / whatever. These sentences add nothing to the openings in information or interest.

Validity: Valid for all nations

The existence of rich people and money prize competitions implies capitalism

Option 1: "We can impersonate a museum!" says professional athlete, @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@. "I have it all figured out. There will be little plaques explaining what each sculpture is, we can get velvet ropes, everything! Not only is this a magnificent solution to this dilemma, but citizens can appreciate that art when they're going to work, while playing in the park, it's perfe- oh, well not perfect, because it will make the art more vulnerable to crime, and I suppose it just may get in the way of people. But who doesn't like art anywhere and everywhere they go?"

Remember that capitalised bit? THE STATUES ARE UNWANTED. So if you stick them in a museum, you're just disposing of waste by putting it in a dedicated building. It's like an above-ground landfill. The option seems to have reframed these things as works of art rather than junk.

Fallout: tourists who want to visit art museums just simply take a walk in the park

Yeah you've just repeated your joke from halfway through the option. That's not good.

Option 2: "Leader, don't you see the problem?" asks @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@, who talks in a very slow, eloquent voice.

Speaker descriptions are used to put a particular weight onto the option, and to provide some sort of humour, often through hypocrisy or hyperbole. There's no purpose to the slow, eloquent voice here.

"These sculptures are one with @@NAME@@. They are one with the people. They are one with our culture. We should build a room solely dedicated to each and every sculpture and celebrate what their inner meaning is. What their purpose is. We shall call it 'The Center of the Sculptures'. Visiting the center should be required for all citizens....to maintain good health and see a new point of view on life."

So option 1 was to collect and display the statues, while option 2 is to collect and display the statues and force people to see them?

No, we've lost the plot here. This isn't a solution to the dilemma at hand.

Fallout: locals now contemplate the meaning of irregularly-shaped sculptures to see a new point of view on life

You've just restated the decision, there's no new perspective or joke here.

Option 3: "I agree we should sell them, but to citizens overseas!," exclaims WhoTuber, @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@,

Agree with who? That's a vestigial line from your previous draft when the previous option was to sell them. But let's point something out here again:

THE STATUES ARE UNWANTED.

If they're being flytipped, then people see no value in them. If they see no value in them, then nobody will buy them.

while he appears to be vlogging.

For the sake of a throwaway line, you've now made the issue require nations to have the internet.

"We can sell them for more, and it will spread our culture around the world! Sure, it will be really expensive for the shipping costs, and we may have to trick some people into buying it. But the profit will be really big, and soon @@NAME@@ will be known everywhere!" /quote]

No they won't, because THE STATUES ARE UNWANTED.

Option 4: "Look, you're both looking at it the wrong way," says the shyest citizen in @@NAME@@, @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@, whom you never heard speak a word before. '"What we must do is make room at these museums. We crowd it together. We put stacks upon stacks upon stacks of art in all of the museums.

So option 1 was displaying them. Option 2 was displaying them somewhere else. This option is displaying them somewhere else.

No, we need more variety.

We can even put it on the roof if we have to! Then, before you know it, everyone across @@REGION@@ will be flocking to the museums for hours a day to see these towers of art. See, this keeps the cultural aspect of all the sculptures, and doesn't require any extra building! Sure, this may increase angriness amongst the citizens

Avoid this. Speakers should not argue down their own position. Let other speakers do that for them.

because they'll be crowded in a room with about a hundred other people, but you know who benefits? That's right, the economy."

Why does the economy benefit?

Fallout: museums are now packed with people trying to see art that's been stacked fifteen feet high

No they won't, because THE STATUES ARE UNWANTED.

Option 5: "I agree with keeping the sculptures in museums, but the solution is quite simple. In fact, you're all overthinking it," says game show host, @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@. "The best solution to this is to create more museums. Tens, thousands, millions! Fill @@NAME@@ with museums. Not only will this allow more people to get access to the museums, but it will make @@NAME@@ a more industrial place to live in. Isn't that what you've ever dreamed of? Sure, we will have to make room for them by destroying some parks, libraries, and forests, but, if it's art, it's art. Now, just please sign this form for a tiny, very small, cost of 15.3 million @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ and construction will begin! Here, take this pen."

Oh, another option to suggest we should preserve them and put them in a museum.

Fallout: construction has begun for museums on every street

No, that's just a statement of the option.

Option 6: "We should just bulldoze 'em," bluntly suggests bulldozer driver, @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@ while eating a hotdog. "This is the simplest solution out there, and it minimizes the garbage in the streets. All I need is your permission, and a lot about 15 acres wide to start the smashing. I estimate the project be done, in bout' a few months. Sure, while my team is smashing the sculptures at nighttime, the citizens be angry 'cause we causing lots of noise, and we getting rid of some of the culture, but in the end it gets the job done."

yaaay! A different choice at last!

Fallout: huge sculptures are being smashed to bits at midnight

No, that's just a statement of what is happening. That's not humorous or witty or unexpected in any way.

I suggest revisit the core premise, and think about ways a nation might deal with thousands of UNWANTED statues. Sticking them in a museum could be one option, but that option should emphasise that "it doesn't matter if no-one wants to see them, even bad art should be preserved, to keep a permanent record of a moment in time and the context in which they were created". In other words, it should be culture for the sake of preservation, not the sake of quality.

Then you need maybe three other options. One could be destroying them in some creative and amusing way. Another could be making them someone else's problem (e.g. flytipping them all on the rich citizen's lawn), another could be repurposing them somehow, in some funny way.

And that's it, options done.

by **Abhichandra** » Thu Oct 12, 2017 6:40 pm

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:-snip-

Thanks, CWA for the feedback. I re-worked the entire draft and premise.

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Fri Oct 13, 2017 2:06 am

Like that sculpture of you, @@LEADER@@. It's pretty awful yet it's proudly displayed in the center of @@NAME@@."

Ha!

I love it when speakers cheek the Leader like that.

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Fri Oct 13, 2017 2:11 am

The premise now says the government set up the prize, so now it makes sense for the government to be responsible.

However, now dumping them on the lawns of the rich makes no sense at all. Maybe replace that with "gifting" them en masse to other nations, saying that they are great works of art, "and our allies will be forced to accept and hold onto them in order to maintain diplomatic politeness."

The effect line could be something to do with the inevitable reciprocation:

[effect]Brancaland has "gifted" @@NAME@@ with ten thousand tonnes of rancid moose carcasses in recognition of their Special Relationship

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Fri Oct 13, 2017 2:12 am

Last 2 options, can you try and change the speakers arguing down their own options? Never feels right to have people point out the downside to their own arguments.

by **Abhichandra** » Fri Oct 13, 2017 7:29 am

Thanks!

Edited the draft.

by **Palos Heights** » Sat Oct 14, 2017 9:41 am

I guess my issues with your issue stem from the entire framing of the scenario itself.

The government held a competition but why are people abandoning their statues in front of public places? Seems odd that people would just dump their submissions some place like that. Maybe instead have the issue take place in a major convention center or fairground where people just didn't bring their statues home and refuse to pick them up!

[desc] Hundreds of statues lay fallow in the @@DEMONYM@@ fairground after the 1st Annual @@DEMONYM@@ Sculpture Jamboree contest where hundreds of @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ competed for Master Sculptor and abandoned their losing pieces of art.

That way you have an issue where the government has a surplus of sculptures on its hands and its creating a pressing need for the government to do something about it.

If you did something like this, I would reframe it so that it doesn't talk about "bad art" or "losing art", but instead frame it like "@@LEADER@@ we could take the leftover sculptures and donate them to our museums! Just imagine it, 'Exhibit on Modern @@DEMONYM@@ Art' in every museum in @@NATION@@." Then the fallout is something like, "After recent legislation in @@NATION@@, refrigerator art is considered avant-garde in the art community."

You could have a lot of fun with this but I think you're really hamstringing yourself with the set-up to your issue.

by **Abhichandra** » Sat Oct 14, 2017 11:10 am

Palos Heights wrote:I guess my issues with your issue stem from the entire framing of the scenario itself.

The government held a competition but why are people abandoning their statues in front of public places? Seems odd that people would just dump their submissions some place like that. Maybe instead have the issue take place in a major convention center or fairground where people just didn't bring their statues home and refuse to pick them up!

[desc] Hundreds of statues lay fallow in the @@DEMONYM@@ fairground after the 1st Annual @@DEMONYM@@ Sculpture Jamboree contest where hundreds of @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ competed for Master Sculptor and abandoned their losing pieces of art.

That way you have an issue where the government has a surplus of sculptures on its hands and its creating a pressing need for the government to do something about it.

If you did something like this, I would reframe it so that it doesn't talk about "bad art" or "losing art", but instead frame it like "@@LEADER@@ we could take the leftover sculptures and donate them to our museums! Just imagine it, 'Exhibit on Modern @@DEMONYM@@ Art' in every museum in @@NATION@@." Then the fallout is something like, "After recent legislation in @@NATION@@, refrigerator art is considered avant-garde in the art community."

You could have a lot of fun with this but I think you're really hamstringing yourself with the set-up to your issue.

I changed it to a convention center, but I think I'll keep the premise as the sculptures are unwanted and the nation has to decide what to do with them.

by **Abhichandra** » Sun Oct 15, 2017 1:24 pm

Any other comments/suggestions?

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Sun Oct 15, 2017 3:22 pm

Honestly, right now it's still below publication quality. I don't want to end up putting too much of a stamp on this though, especially as I'll likely be the editor if it gets used, so I suggest keep it up and ask for help from the strongest established authors.

by **Abhichandra** » Sun Oct 15, 2017 3:45 pm

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Honestly, right now it's still below publication quality. I don't want to end up putting too much of a stamp on this though, especially as I'll likely be the editor if it gets used, so I suggest keep it up and ask for help from the strongest established authors.

Alright

by **Australian rePublic** » Mon Oct 16, 2017 3:53 am

Option 3, they could be used as round-a-bout decorations replacing plants, and upseting environmentalists

by **Abhichandra** » Mon Oct 16, 2017 6:55 am

Australian Republic wrote:Option 3, they could be used as round-a-bout decorations replacing plants, and upseting environmentalists

You mean add another option? I'll get to that later today.

by **Jutsa** » Mon Oct 16, 2017 9:27 am

Well, I'm neither that strong nor that established an author, but I'd still be delighted to help you out, regardless.

(I should note that this is the second time I'm writing this. A cat wanted out, I wound up logged out... it's very strange. I didn't get very far so it's fine.)

I hope that will change and start drafting more issues.

And I look forward to seeing more stuff of yours. :3

The Issue/Validity: Actually, I like the issue and the premise as-is, although it's the validity I'm none-too certain about.
[validity] Only valid for capitalist nations
The government can host competitions like this in state-run economies, can't they?
On the other hand, 10 mill is a lot... perhaps a better validity would be "nation has sizable wealth gaps".

Option 1:
exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@.
No information about who/what he/she is, or what they're doing? I feel like "museum manager @@RANDOMNAME@@" would even be fine.
"It doesn't necessarily matter if no one wants to see these sculptures [...] Like that sculpture of you, @@LEADER@@.
This was brilliant.

Option 2:
shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@.
Again... no information? Maybe "Minister of Foreign Affairs" or something? <:)
[effect] Brancaland has received over ten thousand rancid moose carcasses in order to maintain diplomatic politeness with @@NAME@@
Brilliant! However, I think switching it around, so that @@NAME@@ recieved over ten thousand, would be a very nice ironic twist.
Also, maybe lower it from ten thousand to a thousand?

Option 3:
bulldozer driver, @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@ while eating a hotdog.
I think the comma after driver's not needed here.
Also, any reason why he's male? I'm sure it's fine, although I imagine @@RANDOMNAME@@ would also work. Up to you, just curious.
Er, also, I'm aware of how processed hotdogs are, but would they be considered meat-containing? Might be a bit of a problem for vegetarian nations... not sure though.
I guess it could be implied to be a vegetarian hotdog..?
I estimate the project be done, in bout' a few months."
Grammatically, I think "done in as little as a few months" might flow and work better. Love the time scale, though. >:3
[effect] con artists now have it easy by selling smashed bits of sculptures as old dinosaur bones
Wow.

Option 4:
says your in-law @@RANDOMNAME@@ who has also been working on a campaign to eliminate waste.
I think a comma after @@RANDOMNAME@@, although it might be more of a stylistic choice.
Also, I think removing "also" would be good as I don't see any particular use for it, here.
75% of the populace has to help chop up old sculptures and make them into paperweights
That's a bit much, yes?
Maybe something like "everything in @@NAME@@ is twice as heavy" would also work. Your choice.

So, to summarize:
1) Possibly a validity change
2) If you can, add a profession or action to options 1 and 2
3) A couple of effect line changes and
4) A couple of possible word/phrase edits to 3 and 4.

That's all I've got. Take/leave whatever you want. Good luck, Abhichandra!

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Mon Oct 16, 2017 1:16 pm

Hmmm, rethinking that effect line, seems too good an opportunity to miss to not say "over nine thousand".

by **Jutsa** » Mon Oct 16, 2017 2:25 pm

Ah, you have a point there.

by **Fauxia** » Mon Oct 16, 2017 2:47 pm

I concur with Jutsa’s concurrence

by **Abhichandra** » Mon Oct 16, 2017 5:25 pm

Thanks Jutsa!

I will work on the draft later.

by **Abhichandra** » Mon Oct 16, 2017 6:47 pm

Updated the draft.

[Accepted] (Redraft) You Got Stones

[Accepted] (Redraft) You Got Stones

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