#440: Jumping The Sharknado [Sedgistan; ed: Sedgistan]
The Issue
After another movie season dominated by sequels, remakes and spin-offs, cinema buffs have come to your office begging for action.
The Debate
1. "What happened to the classics of days gone by?" rhetorically questions renowned film critic @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ movie industry used to be known for such masterpieces as 'The Modfather: Part One', 'A Clockwork Violet', and 'Once Upon A Time In The West Pacific', not the drivel they're putting out these days. If studios want to release films in @@NAME@@ they should give us something original."
2. "I didn't become a director to make films like 'Rise Of The Planet Of The @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ Revisited'," gripes @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "But it's all the studios will sanction. It's such an expensive business making movies, and given the risks it's no wonder we play it safe. Perhaps if the government were to underwrite our projects, I'd finally get a chance to finish 'Heaven's Door'."
3. "Haha!" chortles @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while watching 'Mad Max vs. Jar Jar Binks 2: The Unrated Edition' on his smartphone. Shovelling another handful of popcorn into his mouth, he turns to interject, "Oh my god, this is the best part, guys. Will you keep quiet back there?"
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#441: You've Got A Friend In Bee [Outer Sparta; ed: Nation of Quebec]
The Issue
Honeybee populations have been deceasing at an alarming rate, according to a recent study published in Not That Popular Science magazine. Experts have swarmed your office demanding you take action or face catastrophic consequences.
The Debate
1. "This is a travesty!" exclaims concerned environmental scientist, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Our food supplies will be at risk if the bee population declines any further. Colony Collapse Disorder is a serious thing and we don't really know what's killing them. It could be insecticides, parasitic mites, habitat loss, or maybe it's just all that hot air coming from @@CAPITAL@@. We must stop this before it's too late. Let's start with shutting down industries that manufacture insecticides and enforcing better environmental protection. We must stop at nothing to ensure our survival."
2. A local beekeeper, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, carefully steps into your office carrying a beehive. "What we need to do is to establish large scale bee farms across @@NAME@@, and raise more bees so their populations can grow." The absentminded beekeeper appears oblivious as several bees escape the hive. "Sustainable practices and good bee-raising will preserve the population. You give me and my fellow beekeepers some funding, and we can use that to grow the biggest colony you'll ever see!" Several of your aides exit screaming, pursued by bees.
*3. "Once again, science has the answer," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of Bees and Genes. "If we use genetics to modify the bees, they can be made resistant to disease and live longer. This, my friends, is the breakthrough we need to stabilize the honeybee populations. It'll require a boatload of funding and we might accidentally create killer bees like the dreaded Maxtopian hornet, but we need to save nature's black and yellow friends while we have the chance." [Must have private industry]
*4. "Once again, science has the answer," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Laboratory Director of HIVEMIND, a state-funded research group. "If we use genetics to modify the bees, they can be made resistant to disease and live longer. This, my friends, is the breakthrough we need to stabilize the honeybee populations. It'll require a boatload of funding and we might accidentally create killer bees like the dreaded Maxtopian hornet, but we need to save nature's black and yellow friends while we have the chance." [Must not have private industry]
5. "Whatever happened to leaving nature alone?" queries the eccentric 'Doctor Bees', carrying suitcases buzzing with bees and seen wearing a full bee costume. "More bee colonies? Pesticides? Genes? Buzz off! Have you ever stopped to think that we are to blame for this mess? Why don't we free the bees and let nature take its course? Sure, the beekeeping industry would suffer, but if we do nothing the alternative is total environmental disaster! Buzz buzz buzz!"
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#442: You Can't Always Get What You Squat [Czechostan; ed: Golgothastan]
The Issue
After a group of unemployed students were found living in a disused furniture factory in @@CAPITAL@@, landowners and law enforcement have become concerned with rising squatting levels in abandoned buildings.
The Debate
1. "It's time the government took action against squatting: it's disgusting and it has to be stopped!" complains business mogul @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "These degenerates are disrespecting the factory I built up through hard work, and they have no right to trespass on it as if it were their own! Never mind that half of my buildings are unoccupied and crumbling to the ground. We should be allowed to remove squatters using whatever force is necessary!"
2. "What's truly disgusting is how these corporate fat cats can be so unempathetic and cruel," remarks social democrat @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "They're hoarding abandoned old buildings waiting for the property market to improve so they can make a fortune selling them off to greedy developers for luxury apartment blocks - and all the while their fellow @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@ are sleeping rough without a roof over their heads! We should enact a compulsory purchase on all buildings that are unoccupied for longer than six months, and turn them into affordable housing for the homeless so they won't have to resort to squatting in some dirty old factory. I don't need to tell you where we can get the money from."
3. "Maybe you're looking for a solution in the wrong spot," says a voice coming from your office closet. You open the door to discover @@RANDOM_NAME@@, roasting a chunk of something indeterminate and meaty over a makeshift fire. "What's so bad about squatting? I mean, most of the buildings we live in are abandoned or unoccupied anyway. There will always be homeless people, and the government needs to acknowledge this and give us the right to live off the land, even if it's someone else's. Now close the door, you're letting in a draft."
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#443: Five Year Plans And New Deals [Bureaucratic Paralysis; ed: Lenyo]
The Issue
The price of most foodstuffs in @@NAME@@ spiked recently, resulting in bread riots. Terrified government advisers have put forward economic plans to stabilize the economy.
The Debate
1. "This cannot happen again," panics Minister of the Economy @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while wiring assets to an overseas bank. "We need to lower unemployment and control food prices if we want things to quiet down again. Major public works projects would ensure that the poor find good jobs and aren't just loafing around, stewing in their own juices. They could build bridges and beautify parks and organize public events. To be honest, what they work on doesn't matter; they could dig holes and fill them up again for all I care. The important thing is controlling poverty; food prices will eventually sort themselves out."
[2]. "The real problem is foreign control of our economy," concludes your Labor Minister, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while absentmindedly combing his beard. "Multinationals that don't care about @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@ oversupply trivial things like fast food instead of investing in our critical national infrastructure. Only indicative planning can begin to properly direct the economy towards essential production while maintaining the profit motive. With the commanding heights under government control, we don't have to worry about capital flight the next time recession looms." [Must not have Autarky policy]
3. "What socialistic nonsense," retorts Finance Minister @@RANDOM_NAME@@, taking a break from scowling at jobless protesters. "That food price shock wasn't because of too little government meddling. The real cause was bad planning, a side-effect of half-baked subsidies. The market is smarter than a bunch of bureaucrats, so we should cut all subsidies propping up enterprises that don't turn a real profit. And if some people still can't find bread, then let them eat cake."
4. "Don't listen to that imperialist lackey," interrupts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a rioter throwing stale bread at you. "It's not enough to have national planning; we need WORLD economic planning. We should retool from making worthless fuzzy dice and sex-enhancement drugs and instead provide nutrition and medicines for needy peoples the world over. Perhaps you think the pig-dog capitalists will never let it happen, but I am hopeful. A rising dough lifts all nations, after all. It's time to end hunger once and for all."
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#444: Virtually Assured Destruction [Austral Coast; ed: Lenyo]
The Issue
Last week a mothballed @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ nuclear missile exploded deep underground, triggering a catastrophic earthquake in rural @@NAME@@. The little evidence that could be recovered from the debris indicates that the explosion was caused by neglected maintenance of outdated warheads, spurring debate over the state of the nation's nuclear arsenal.
The Debate
1. "We clearly need a total overhaul," states Colonel @@RANDOM_NAME@@ of the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Nuclear Deterrence Program, quite calmly despite the clamor outside of your office. "It will be costly, but once we have a new generation of warheads ready, we'll be perfectly safe from another incident like this happening, at least during my own tenure. We will, of course, need to dispose of the old missiles to make room for their replacements, but I'm sure the nuclear industry would jump at an ongoing contract to recycle the plutonium for us. It's certainly cheaper than mining more ore out of the ground."
[2]. "We definitely need to update our warheads," hastily concurs the Tasmanian Ambassador, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I propose we sell the old missiles to our friendlier neighbors. Then we get some money and ditch responsibility for the missiles, and we save an ally a lot of R&D. It's probably safe! Worst case scenario: the old missiles fall into the wrong hands while in transit to other countries, but if we just convoy them up with some regular munitions, the teamsters will be able to fight off any attempted hijacking." [Must not have autarky]
3. "Really?" objects Jacob Anderson of the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Security Agency, startling you as he appears seemingly out of nowhere. "You actually think it was just a malfunction? Why do you think there was so little evidence left? That warhead was clearly detonated intentionally; I don't know if it was terrorists or spies from one of our rivals, but someone did this, and they did it for a reason. Our primary concern should be with securing our missile bases against sabotage. People may still be scared of nuclear malfunction, but hey - if nobody wants to live near our nukes, that only strengthens national security."
4. "You're all ignoring the real problem!" shouts a protester as she bursts through the door to your office. "The nukes were a bad idea from the get-go! Sooner or later we're going to annihilate ourselves with another accident. What's the point of even having a deterrent if we're just going to blow ourselves up? For the sake of humanity, the environment, and the national budget, it's time to disarm ALL nuclear, biological, and chemical weapons."
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#445: Evasive Maneuvers [Panageadom; ed: Nation of Quebec]
The Issue
After a recent newspaper exposé revealed that many corporations in @@NAME@@ have been using obscure segments of the tax code to avoid taxation, an army of proletarian protesters marched on the companies involved. Naturally, the corporations sent out their own troop of crack lawyers, and they have met in the only conceivable middle ground: your office.
The Debate
1. "Let's look at the legal facts here, shall we?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a sharp-suited lawyer opening a manilla folder filled with a seemingly unending sheaf of papers. "The organisation I represent acted within the strict letter of the law and structured its assets as anybody would - in a manner to avoid the maximum amount of tax paid. Taxes are designed to reward certain behaviours over others, by offering a scheme of incentives and disincentives to those behaviours: the mere idea that a change in which behaviours to reward, and that my organisation should finance that change retroactively, amounts to legislative tyranny."
2. "That's bloody ridiculous!" puffs red-faced protester, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, blowing spittle all over their supercilious counterpart. "They're trying to paint all of this as something that any reasonable person would do - but it just isn't! I don't know every inch of the tax code, and it's not like I can get all these smug big-shots to hang around the flat and tell me how to 'structure my assets', or some other rubbish. They knew what they did was against the spirit of the law, if nothing else - take them for all they've got. It's only fair."
3. "Erm, @@LEADER@@?" whimpers @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a timid conflict-fearing Treasury Ministry employee, cowering in a fort made up of boxes of tax code amendments, "I think there's a way out of this. Surely we can just change the law to take out the biggest loopholes, without asking companies for any back payments for laws they didn't break at the time? It's not a perfect solution, but at least most of the protesters will go home and leave us alone - at least until they realize the corporate lawyers are back to their usual tricks?"
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#446: In The Land Of Milk And Money? [Kaztropol; ed: Gnejs]
The Issue
A recent survey from the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Directorate for Health showed that a growing minority of the nation's women are having difficulties producing enough breast milk for their infants. Now a leading breastfeeding advocate has suggested a co-operative scheme in which nursing mothers share surplus milk with other mothers who are having difficulties, for a small profit.
The Debate
1. "It's simple really," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while scattering rose petals all over your office. "All kids should have a chance at the sweet nectar of a mother's breast, and we'll provide havens where mothers can share and receive in a relaxed environment. There'll be velvet cushions, scented candles and mood music. And to facilitate the money part I've designed a coin-operated nursing bra that the girls can wear. Would you like me to demonstrate?"
2. "This is a noble idea," says Doctor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, grey eminence of the national health bureaucracy. "Allowing this dissemination of milk will undoubtedly improve the health of our new baby citizens. However, clearly the government must handle this, as to secure proper hygiene and acceptable safety standards. Mothers can deposit their milk at approved facilities, and those lacking can apply for free rations through the appropriate channels. Let's not talk of monetary compensation: that is distasteful."
3. "And why should this only be eligible for mothers?" counters @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, noted libertarian who has embraced his Oedipus complex. "There is a wider market here, and we should acknowledge that. Who wouldn't want breast milk with their cereal, or in their coffee? I know I would! No meddling regulations and restrictions, let milk and money flow free!"
4. "Hang on a minute there," yells @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of the infant formula company Got Milk Inc. "I just heard from a peg-legged homeless person that breast milk is a gateway drug to cannibalism, so maybe we're better off without it? With some government funding, my company can provide enough tasty and nutritious formula for all of @@NAME@@'s infants!"
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#447: Honey, We Hung The Parliament [Gnejs; ed: Nation of Quebec]
The Issue
The recent national elections in @@NAME@@ saw declining support for the established parties and a big success for the unabashedly populist anarcho-communist party Death to the State. The extremist fringe party, despised by all other parties, gained a surprisingly high number of seats. The government is now in chaos as the more traditional parties scramble to block Death to the State from having any influence on the government.
The Debate
1. "This is a travesty!" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, MP for the Progressive Traditionalists, who lost several seats in the election cycle. "These lunatics openly state that they will do anything in their power to incapacitate @@NAME@@'s political system. We should ban anyone with a criminal record from running for political office. That'll keep them out along with any other extremist and traitor with delusions of grandeur. I'm pretty sure I'm clean. Anyways, we'll manage, I'd wager."
2. "Are you insane? There'll be no one left!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a Member of Parliament for the Liberal Conservatives, speaking to their bitter rival for the first time in years. "Let's strike a bargain, @@LEADER@@, you and me, stating that the biggest political parties form the government. Your party still managed to come ahead, of course, but you need us to ensure your political survival. We'll be happy to support your government provided there's an equitable share of cabinet ministers, you compromise on the omnibus spending bill, and you keep some of your more radical party members in line."
3. "What utter nonsense!" rebuffs @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a former Member of Parliament who lost their seat to a suspected arsonist. "The only real solution is holding a new election whenever a stable government can't be formed. The people of @@NAME@@ are smart; I'm sure they'll realize what a mistake they made the first time around and restore the order of things. Doing the election over again will be costly, sure, but I really need this gig. I mean, the nation's ability to be governed is at stake! Yes, that's the one."
4. "Or you just let us be a part of the government, or at least let be part of your group in Parliament", says the belligerent @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, leader of Death to the State, his body covered in gang tattoos. "The people voted for us, after all, and this blatant disregard for the popular vote is shocking. We'll want something in return for our support, of course, but we're not greedy. Just implement some of our campaign promises about cleansing the state apparatus of the bourgeois plague of bureaucracy, and you'll get your majority."
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#448: It Takes A Village [Flanderosa; ed: Nation of Quebec]
The Issue
A recently released book authored by @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your former Human Services Minister, has highlighted the financial and mental health concerns of parents in @@NAME@@. The book has thrust the issue of childcare back into the public spotlight.
The Debate
1. "I don't know how much more I can take without government support," complains a visibly stressed out mother while desperately trying to console her screaming child. "Between working two jobs and raising a child, I don't know how I'm managing to hold it together. The government needs to start getting involved before there are mass mental breakdowns! If you gave parents a tax credit and invest in some mental health initiatives, it would really help. Oh, won't somebody please think of the children?"
2. "The problem is that these fathers and mothers obviously have no idea how to do their job," counters your Education Minister while raising her voice over the tantrum-throwing toddler. "Parents need to understand budgeting, stress management, and how to calm down screaming infants. I propose mandatory parenting classes for adults and teenagers alike. The government could then take away children from those who fail the testing. Sure, that would mean investing more in the education budget, but won't you please think of the children?"
3. "You are all missing the obvious solution," coos your incredibly mature sixteen-year-old niece as she calms down the crying infant. "What @@NAME@@ needs is a national babysitting and nanny program. Parents obviously need a break from the stresses of child-rearing, and people need to know that their lives aren't going to be interrupted by screaming kids. By enlisting the help of babysitters and nannies across the country, along with investments in daycare and childcare programs, this problem will be a thing of the past." Your niece hands you the baby. "Isn't he adorable?"
4. "No, no, and no!" exclaims your Finance Minister, who has recently been named @@NAME@@'s most eligible bachelor by Bonjour Magazine. "Why should my taxes have to pay for someone else's bratty kids? I'm already paying over and above for these social programs that are obviously not working. Let's get rid of whatever childcare programs we have and save ourselves a bundle of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@. If you can't afford to have kids, then don't have them."
5. "They have it all wrong!" invokes impatient company boss @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, who is infamous for his misogynistic rants. "The problem isn't just that these girls neglect their kids, but that they neglect their work as well. If an employer feels his female staff are tired-looking, they should be allowed to dismiss them from their jobs. It's for their benefit as well as ours, we just take the decision out of their hands, so they don't have to worry their pretty heads over it."
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#449: A Big Fracking Problem [Czechostan; ed: Nation of Quebec]
The Issue
Natural gas extraction has been thrust into the political spotlight after a corporation proposed utilizing hydraulic fracturing to boost the production of shale gas. After weeks of protests, a crowd of lobbyists and environmental protesters have barged into your office and demand that you finally make a decision.
The Debate
1*. "Any opposition to hydraulic fracturing has been born out of ignorance," claims Shale The Love lobbyist @@RANDOM_NAME@@ after tossing some impressive looking pie charts on your desk. "If we further hydraulic fracturing, we can finally be independent of foreign natural gas. Do you really want to continue paying dictatorships like Maxtopia for their expensive oil? Just think of the advantage producing our own natural gas will give us. Look at the charts that clearly show how many jobs this will create in rural areas. We should be encouraging fracking operations and cracking down on these environmental terrorists who would be happy to send us back to the Stone Age." [Must not have Autarky]
2*. "Any opposition to hydraulic fracturing has been born out of ignorance," claims Shale The Love lobbyist @@RANDOM_NAME@@ after tossing some impressive looking pie charts on your desk. "If we further hydraulic fracturing, we can finally safeguard our energy independence. Do you really want to risk paying dictatorships like Maxtopia for their expensive oil? Just think of the advantage producing our own natural gas will give us. Look at the charts that clearly show how many jobs this will create in rural areas. We should be encouraging fracking operations and cracking down on these environmental terrorists who would be happy to send us back to the Stone Age." [Must have Autarky]
3. "I don't think you understand the magnitude of these environmental issues," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the organizer of the anti-fracking protest movement No Fracking Way. "Fracking can pollute the air and contaminate groundwater with toxic chemicals, which will end up in million of people's drinking water. Weren't you guys paying attention when fracking operations caused all those earthquakes in Blackacre? Never mind that they're on a fault line! We must put an end to fracking and start investing into green energy sources like wind, solar, and tidal power. We'll never run out of those clean energy sources, but we will run out of clean air to breathe."
4. "There's always room for compromise," chimes in @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your top aides famous for diffusing tension in your office. "We obviously can't ignore the benefits of fracking, but we can't turn a blind eye to the impact it would have on the environment either. Why not allow fracking, but only in areas of @@NAME@@ where there are no major populated areas? I hear that the land in the Northern @@ANIMAL@@ Mountain Range is just ripe for hydraulic fracturing. There is a @@ANIMAL@@ preservation area nearby, but it's not like they're going to be protesting."
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#450: Colonial Testimonial [Sussetonia; ed: Gnejs]
The Issue
After @@NAME@@ recently acquired its very own colony, tensions have been running high as to how the events leading up to this should be portrayed in the history books, both in @@CAPITAL@@ and in its newfound overseas territory.
The Debate
1. "Well, they're part of the @@TYPE@@ now, so it only makes sense that we share one account of history," says @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, a @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ native vacationing in the newly annexed territory, while adjusting his khakis and brand new pith helmet. "And that account should obviously be the glorious tale of how @@NAME@@ heroically ended their age of barbarism and brought the shining beacon of civilization to its heathen populace. That is after all, more or less, what happened. Stating otherwise would be nothing short of provincial bigotry due to wounded pride."
2. "It's a matter of pride, yes, but foremost of historical accuracy," asserts @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a former guerrilla who somehow miraculously survived your massive counterinsurgency. "We must teach the children, both in @@NAME@@ and here, about what actually happened. History is supposed to be about the facts. It should educate, not propagate imperialist dogma and effectively teach our kids to be ashamed of their home and whitewash all your war crimes. Let the history books tell the horrible truth and brand all @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ oppressors as the monsters they truly are, especially you, @@LEADER@@!"
3. "Look, we're not going to agree on this any time soon, so why not make both sides happy?" suggests @@RANDOM_NAME@@, cultural anthropologist and author of the academically acclaimed book 'Can We Please Just Respect Everyone And Everything All The Time?' "@@NAME@@ doesn't want to be remembered as the brutal oppressor, and our new, eh, friends, doesn't want their hardships swept under the rug. So, let each territory have their own version of history! What could possibly go wrong?"
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#451: A Prosthelytizer To Burn [Sierra Lyricalia; ed: Nation of Quebec]
The Issue
News media is abuzz this week as prominent atheist and anti-religious author Gary Montague has threatened to burn a copy of @@FAITH@@'s most sacred text in order to desecrate it and offend its adherents worldwide. As usual, everyone and their mother are demanding that you do something about this.
The Debate
1. Montague brandishes a copy of the offending book in your face while hiding in your office from a torch-bearing mob. "This so-called 'religious text' endorses people who commit murder, slavery, incest, genocide, and environmental destruction as holy and devout men. It deserves burning! I don't care how popular or moral @@FAITH@@ is these days: this so-called holy text is a blueprint for barbarism. That kind of evil has no place in our so-called civilized society." Montague panics and flees through your window as the mob breaks down the door.
2. "By all that's holy, @@LEADER@@, we cannot let this happen!" exclaims devout and questionably sane prosecutor Mildred Beatty, bearing a torch and pitchfork. "@@NAME@@ will be the laughing stock of the world if this nutjob gets his way! Let me send over some agents - good men, pious men - and burn him instead! In fact, we should open a new division just for this type of good work. We'll burn some of Montague's books while we're at it - some of them are dangerous, you know. Fire is bright and fire is clean! Fire will cleanse @@NAME@@ of its sins!"
3. "This guy Montag - is that his name? Mont- eh, whatever. It's obvious that he's the problem," suggests Stoneman Black, proprietor of the @@CAPITAL@@ Legitimate Businessman's Club. "Allowing him to proceed would damage @@NAME@@'s reputation, but so would turning into a tyrannical mobocracy. My uh... my associates and I can take him out for a small fee. Heck, we'll even make it look like an accident. All you need to do is look the other way, and your little problem will be solved."
4. "All of these people are tyrannical scumbags!" bellows the usually quiet Bic Granger, director of the @@CAPITAL@@ National Library. "You're talking about a cavalier disregard for the whole world's entire knowledge and heritage, from cavepeople to philosophers to tabloid reporters. Books can be immortal if they're taken care of. In fact, the government should be protecting books from the burners and ensuring that people have a right to read whatever they please, regardless of how offensive that might be."
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#452: Foetal Furore [Christian Democrats; ed: Sanctaria]
The Issue
Video coverage of a protest outside of an abortion clinic has gone viral after the footage indicated that pro-life campaigners prevented ingress of pregnant women, causing the patients visible distress. In response, the Womyn's Liberation League has pushed for a bill that it says would protect access to clinics.
The Debate
1. "Passing this bill would be an important step in protecting a woman's right to choose," testifies the Womyn's Liberation League's spokesperson @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The fact of the matter is that these protesters are obstructing women as they try to exercise a basic human right. When someone wants to terminate a pregnancy, the law ought to be on her side. Making abortion legal was a good first step, but we need to go further to secure these women's safety. Anti-abortion activists ought to be required to stand in designated areas far away from the clinics they're protesting."
2. "What about the right to free speech?" pleads @@RANDOM_NAME@@, lawyer for the pro-life activists depicted in the footage. "These are public spaces, and my clients should have the freedom, as well as the ability, to get their views across. You may disagree with them, but it would be draconian for the government to prohibit their citizens from revealing to people the truth about any medical procedure they are getting."
3. "The truth is that these abortion mills are killing thousands of children every year," cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a local curate and youth worker. "The government must defend the rights of the unborn - they too are entitled to protection under the law - and ban this immoral practice immediately. Anything less is permitting murder."
4. "Oppressor!" screams militant antitheist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, pointing at the last speaker. "A bunch of middle-aged, celibate men refusing to allow women to have control over their own bodies - all these barbarians are doing is peddling their outdated misogyny, and I'm tired of it. The only way we'll make any real social progress is to put a stop to their hatemongering entirely. I insist that the whole anti-abortion movement be outlawed with stiff penalties for religious anti-choice advocates."
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#453: Parliamentary Playground [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]
The Issue
After a WhoTube video featuring MPs in an outright brawl went viral, foreign commentators now regularly mock the hijinks in the @@DENOMYADJ@@ Parliament. In order to save face, several MPs have tried to reign in the legislature's embarrassing behavior.
The Debate
1. "We need a Parliamentary Code of Conduct to make sure this appalling behavior doesn't happen again," states Opposition Leader @@RANDOM_NAME@@. Your entire cabinet mooned me while I was speaking yesterday for Violet's sake! You wouldn't get away with that kind of behavior in any other workplace, so why is Parliament exempt? We need to show the citizenry that this is a place of serious and mature discussion, not a schoolyard playground."
2. "That's a good start, but it doesn't go far enough!" exclaims avid @@NAME_INITIALS@@-SPAN watcher and schoolteacher @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "I always sit down and watch Question Period with the kids to teach them how democracy in @@NAME@@ works. They were subjected to the brawl, the mooning, and all those fights involving the chicken costume. Any politician who acts in such a disgraceful way should be barred from running for political office ever again. If we don't take tougher stances against this disgraceful behavior, our kids will start thinking that this is an acceptable way for them to act."
3. "We have a right to express our political dissatisfaction, no matter how... unorthodox our methods are," says @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your more outspoken cabinet ministers while making an obscene gesture towards the other speakers. "Sure, sometimes things can get a little heated, but that's the nature of politics. If the loyal opposition can't handle a few choice words or an entire hour of jeering, then they shouldn't have run for office. Besides, what about freedom of speech? Aren't we still big on that?"
4. "Hold up! Outta my way!" shouts pro-wrestler Stone Fist as he barges his way into your office and places one of your aides in a chokehold. "What if instead of debates, politicians settled their scores with trial by combat? Build a thunderdome in Parliament. Two MPs enter; one MP leaves! Imagine the ratings and publicity! People could even bet @@CURRENCIES@@ on the results. At the very least, the public will be a lot more invested in the outcome of parliamentary debates." Your aide passes out as Stone Fist releases his grip.
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#454: Don't Stead On Me! [Scow Creek; ed: Gnejs]
The Issue
A significant number of residents in @@CAPITAL@@ and other cities across @@NAME@@ have been growing vegetables and keeping animals on their property. The increasing presence of farm animals and intricate homemade irrigation systems have begun wreaking havoc on the infrastructure. Yesterday the busiest intersection of @@CAPITAL@@ was held up for over four hours by a woman trying to herd a large group of sheep to pasture in @@ANIMAL@@ Park. A cross-town group of affluent and angry citizens now demands that you control the burgeoning homestead movement.
The Debate
1. "These smelly beatniks are ruining our neighbourhoods," claims Tom Leadbetter, avid city-dweller and leader of the 'Proprietors Organization for the Safekeeping of Homes'. "Chickens in the street, goat droppings on my doorstep, and weeds so high that who knows what's going on right next door. And they're using waste water for irrigation for Violet's sake! If they want to live like bumpkins, let them move to the country. In fact, you should make them go."
2. "I have a right to grow my own food," counters a young woman who goes by the name of 'Starlight'. "By allowing plants, animals and people to flourish side by side, working with nature instead of against it, we're restoring balance to our cities. And it's great social policy, you know, educating the kids, alleviating poverty and boosting health, sort of. Don't be a part of the problem @@LEADER@@ - enact a nationwide 'Right to Homesteading'! Do it now!"
3. "Surely we can compromise on this," suggests @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, a hip urban developer, while combing his moustache atop a unicycle. "Urban farming is really hot right now, and you can't deny that green spots liven up the face of a city. Let's tear down some downtown derelicts, set up a few approved farms and sell lots to the eco-conscious middle class. It's perfect! We can brand our cities 'green' and substitute the inner-city riff-raff with the young and fashionable in one stroke. Everybody wins! Well, except for the urban poor, I guess, but they're such a dreary bunch anyways."
4. Just when you thought you were done for the day, @@RANDOM_NAME@@ climbs through your window. The infamous primitivist and raging bovinophobe has another solution to the issue at hand. "The problem isn't farming in cities, it's farming period! The domestication of animals and subjugation of the roaming savage is what led to our downfall. The first step towards finding our roots is outlawing agriculture, in all its forms! We'll live off the land: pick berries and stalk @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@. It'll be grand, trust me."
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#455: Police On Overkill Mode? [Annihilators of Chan Island; ed: Lenyo]
The Issue
When the police recently used a main battle tank to stop a robbery in downtown @@CAPITAL@@, many questioned whether the police should be buying up army surplus.
The Debate
1. "I thought the police were there to make things better!" cries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, gesturing towards the devastated shopfront. "One moment I was being held up by a guy in a mask. The next thing I know a 50 ton war machine is roaring through my shop! Instead of some derelict stealing the money in the till, the police pulverized the entire building! Surely that tank was overkill? They're cops, not commandos."
2. The offending tank drives up to your office with sirens blaring before stopping just before it hits the building. The tank's turret swivels towards your head before the hatch swings open and Officer @@RANDOM_NAME@@ pops out. "Howdy! So ... you heard about that robbery we crushed - literally - downtown with Bessie here? I just want to say that militarization is the best thing that ever happened to law enforcement. Never been easier to strike fear into the hearts of criminals! In fact, you should loosen the rules of procurement for police equipment. Then we could have some real toys! To deal with gangs, of course, not to run around like drunken idiots."
3. "Officer Friendly here appears to overestimate the logical potential for heavy weaponry in everyday law enforcement," complains Chief of Department @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while glaring at the tank outside your office. "Special weapons and tactics have their place in hostage negotiation and riot control, but they shouldn't be deployed routinely. We should have heavily armed paramilitary police units, but they should be elites reserved for exceptional circumstances."
4. The tank drives off, ruining the gardens around your office. "I can't believe you let amateurs use heavy armor," comments @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a military attaché from Maxtopia. "Occupying unruly neighborhoods can reduce unrest, but only if the job is done by professionals. Let the army handle your police work, and you won't have untrained idiots demolishing every street sign in their path. Nothing maintains law and order quite like the barrel of a gun and a proper curfew."
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#456: Heads Will Roll [Sleep; ed: Gnejs]
The Issue
Earlier this week an entire chapter of the motorcycle gang Daughters of Disorder was involved in a nasty accident on one of @@NAME@@'s major highways, leaving several of them dead. After medical personnel later ascertained that the use of helmets could have saved their lives, your Minister of Health and Public Safety made a statement proposing a set of new security measures mandatory for all motorcycle riders. The initiative has sparked debate, and is facing strong opposition from motorcycle enthusiasts.
The Debate
*1. "This law would violate our religious right to wear our sacred top hats while riding motorcycles!" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, president of the Violetist Scooter Corps, as @@HE@@ points @@HIS@@ ceremonial blade at your chest. "We have worn the top hat in times of war on the battlefield! Our protection comes from Violet herself! Require the ungodly heathens to wear helmets! Those who are chosen by Violet to ride will ride in style or die trying!" [Violetism is legal]
*2. "This law would violate our religious right to wear our sacred top hats while riding motorcycles!" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, president of the Traqnuil Yellowist Scooter Corps, as @@HE@@ points @@HIS@@ ceremonial blade at your chest. "We have worn the top hat in times of war on the battlefield! Our protection comes from the Yellow One himself! Require the ungodly heathens to wear helmets! Those who are chosen by the Yellow One to ride will ride in style or die trying!"
[Violetism is illegal]
3. "The stove pipe is right, helmets are lame!" agrees Dean James, your slacker nephew. "How am I going to impress any babes if I have helmet hair?" he asks, running his hand through his hair while checking out your secretary over his sunglasses. "Do the right thing boss; helmets are for losers."
4. "Don't listen to him, dear," says your sister, while she drags her son towards the door by the ear. "You had the right idea: everyone riding a motorcycle should wear a helmet, and a padded full body protective suit, and a reflective vest, and neck warmers and..." she continues listing security gear as she leaves the room with your nephew in tow.
*5. "It's not enough!" screams one of your junior aides, a fragile and slightly confused soul who was particularly disturbed by the recent accident. "It's not just traffic! People slip in the shower every day, cans fall on their heads in supermarkets, disoriented birds; we're all exposed, at all times! If people are too stupid to realize that, we have to make them! There should be a helmet law for everyone! Wear a helmet or go to jail!" [Must have prisons]
*6. "It's not enough!" screams one of your junior aides, a fragile and slightly confused soul who was particularly disturbed by the recent accident. "It's not just traffic! People slip in the shower every day, cans fall on their heads in supermarkets, disoriented birds; we're all exposed, at all times! If people are too stupid to realize that, we have to make them! There should be a helmet law for everyone! Wear a helmet or be banned from leaving the house!" [Must not have prisons]
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#457: Colossus With Feet Of Clay [Halothorne; ed: Nation of Quebec]
The Issue
After a slow news week, one of your aides brought to your attention the controversy surrounding Violetstone National Park. A Tourism tycoon, Edward Rump, recently revealed proposals to purchase the land and intends to carve the faces of former leaders into Mount Rushless, a site revered by many Native @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@.
The Debate
1. "The area is perfect for what I have in mind" exclaims Mr. Rump, showing you some incredibly detailed concept art. "These monolithic carvings of the heads of historical figures will symbolize our nation's strength and pride." He gestures towards the faces on the blueprints. "Our nation's statesmen will not be forgotten! In fact, we could even open this up as a tourist attraction! Never mind that Native @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@ consider the land sacred. These majestic sculptures will stand the test of time. At the very least they'll finally knock off the @@NAME@@ Tire Fire to become the Eighth Wonder of @@REGION@@!
2. "Who cares about some long-dead old farts?" questions @@RANDOM_NAME@@, one of your more youthful aides. "If there's anybody's face we should be carving into that mountain, it should be yours! You've already done so much for @@NAME@@, and it's about time you were paid your proper respect. So many world leaders worry about being remembered after they're gone. I'm sure you still have many years left in you, but this monument will ensue that you will never be forgotten."
3. "@@LEADER@@, have you no respect for our sacred lands?" asks Runs With @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@, Chief of the Violetstone tribe. "My people have lived in these lands for countless generations and now you are going to desecrate them? Even worse, you plan to honor imperialist monsters who slaughtered our ancestors? The government should be apologizing for those atrocities, not celebrating the butchers behind them. @@LEADER@@, these are our lands, not yours. Our home is not a tourist attraction. You must respect that. Our people have suffered enough."
4. "The mountain should be totally left alone," agrees environmentalist @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@, as she hands peace offerings to everyone in the room. "Mount Rushless is an environmental wonder and has been beloved for generations exactly as it is. If anything, we should be passing tougher environmental laws to make sure that these lands can't be sold to the highest bidder. We ought to be designating more lands as national parks and hiring more park rangers to protect them. The government's top priority should be protecting the environment, not opening up another tourist trap!"
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#458: Bigtopian Lives Matter [Valyrian Freeholds; ed: Lenyo]
The Issue
An unarmed 18-year-old Bigtopian boy, @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, was recently shot by Officer Matthias Kenny as he was walking home, despite video footage showing him with his hands up. The police shooting has aggravated racial tensions in @@NAME@@, and now civil rights protests have quickly spread from the suburbs, potentially engulfing the entire nation. You have been flown in to maintain calm and hopefully resolve the crisis.
The Debate
1. "Hands up; don't shoot!" yells leading activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@ through a deafening megaphone. "We demand Officer Kenny's conviction and an end to cops killing unarmed Bigtopians! I'm sick and tired of racist police who assume all Bigtopians look and act the same. Cops should have to live in the neighborhoods they patrol, and the local communities need direct control over their precincts. That way we can fire any officer itching to do in Bigtopians."
2. "All this talk about race is divisive," says Officer Kenny's attorney. "Try to put yourself in a policeman's shoes for a minute. Cops need to make quick decisions in hostile situations, and that means they have to use the professional instincts they learn while on patrol. The Bigtopian boy fitted the description of someone for whom there was an arrest warrant, and he was wielding a baguette - which on a dark night can easily be mistaken for a shotgun - in a threatening manner. This tragic mistake was an isolated incident, and Officer Kenny shouldn't be held responsible for a single error on the line of duty."
3. "The boy in question was a serial jaywalker, proving he was a hardened criminal," Chief of Police @@RANDOM_NAME@@ states candidly. "So we can assume that the most notorious jaywalker in all of @@NAME@@ was up to no good. And those annoying protesters are just delaying traffic. I'll get the fire department to disperse them pronto. TURN ON THE FIRE HOSES!"
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#459: Murder, He Shouted! [Human Olympus; ed: Gnejs]
The Issue
Your Chief Economic Adviser, Mr. Shylock Holmes, was found dead in your office with several stab wounds in his back early this morning. A baffled @@CAPITAL@@ P.D. has called in the assistance of world-renowned Lilliputian private investigator Mr. Marple to help untangle the mystery. After several hours of thorough investigation, the notoriously eccentric detective has called all the suspects to the parlour.
The Debate
1. "You can't possibly think it was me," states Colonel Custard, the victim's old business partner, while trying to hide a red stained shirtsleeve. "He and I were the best of friends. In fact, I was paying him under the table to give you terrible advice that would favour my company; why would I kill him? If anything, it was probably that harlot secretary of yours. I know for a fact they've been getting it on all over your desk when you leave the office. This is clearly the result of a sordid affair gone wrong; arrest that minx! And while we're at it, throw a tiny tax break in my direction. It's what he would've wanted."
2. "Lies, all lies!" your young secretary Miss O'Hara hisses aggressively at Col. Custard. "He was no friend of yours, or those polluting Tourism facilities you have set up everywhere. He was a tender soul, and our love made him a new man; yes, with such a big heart, no wonder the old man had so much blood in him! He was going to propose cutting every one of those subsidies propping up your business, and you knew it!" O'Hara turns back to face you with crocodile tears forming in her eyes. "@@LEADER@@, I demand you have that greedy phony arrested, and then convert his damned factories into a series of national parks! It's what my love would've wanted."
3. "Silence!" shouts Detective Marple, as he stops grooming his impeccable moustache in one of your antique mirrors and walks to the centre of the room. "Mon dieu, enough with the talking of the words and the pointing of the fingers. The Great Marple hears nothing but the jibber and the jabber. The old friend, the foxy secretary; such clichés! Are any of you cold-blooded enough to have done this deed? I say, non! When you add it all up, there is really only the one solution. Only one in this room deserves to be put in the little grey cell." The elderly detective then proceeds towards your desk, and retrieves a quite exquisite candlestick from one of your drawers. "It was you, @@LEADER@@! It was you who stabbed and stabbed with the stick that holds the candles until he was no more! All out of fear for your young and dashing advisor outshining you. Take the murderer away, Chief Inspector Snickers; I am disgusted by their presence."
4. "Oh my Violet, this is just like the ending of 'The Maxtopian Falcon'," opines amateur filmmaker Professor Prune, who inexplicably appears from your closet. "You are being framed, @@LEADER@@. It was the detective all along. He killed your adviser just so he could take the case and make headlines for putting you away for murder! You need to hold him responsible, and the rest of the @@CAPITAL@@ P.D. too, for that matter, for being too slow to realize his ploy!"
