The Infinites: And Beyond! (Comedy, Supers, Space, OPEN) -IC

by **Zjaum** » Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:41 am

"I guess are there any questions before we continue?"

"I have a question!" announced Henry as he descended from the sky. "Which is a better element: technetium... or thorium?!"

With that, he pulled out his thorium-finger-rocket prototype and set them loose upon the audience. The doctors pulled out their own technetium-based weaponry, but they were too late, as well as no match for Henry's experience with finger-rockets. Each rocket hit its target and erupted into a miniature explosion. Granted, "miniature" only meant a couple inches tall, but it was still enough to set patrons' hair on fire! The audience erupted into a frenzy and left the room in a panic. The doctors, alone, were forced to surrender. "What are your terms, o great thorium one?"

"I want a press release in which you declare that thorium is superior to technetium, as well as all your stock of technetium and uranium! I have new slides that you will use to that end!" Henry tossed them a USB drive.

They caught it. "You're a madman! No one person can have that much power!"

"Perhaps, but I'm not at the receiving end of a finger rocket, now, am I?!"

They couldn't disagree with his logic, so they agreed to his terms. As the price of thorium skyrocketed, Henry quickly became the richest man in Minnesota. With his power, he purchased the reserve that contained his hole-home and seceded from the United States, becoming the first new nuclear power in decades!

At least, that's how he envisioned it. His plans were frustratingly stalled, though, when a
metal can descended from the sky, stealing away all the attention he so rightfully deserved! Mildly miffed, he ascended up to the metal can. His lifelong dream of parity with France would have to wait, and he would have to make contact with what seemed like aliens.

It dawned on him as he heard the snarls coming out of the machine that nobody on Earth could understand their language, and it was likely that none of them could understand English. Still, they needed to know that he heard them, and he needed to know if they heard him.

He came within an arm's length of the alien can. Nobody down below could hear him, and nobody u above could understand him. He could say anything he wanted. Time for some fun! "Greetings, Metal Can People! I am Nyak Nat, the leader and Lord Protector of Earth and its dolphin population! I shoot molten gold from my hands and lightning from my belly button! Rainbows follow me wherever I go! Kneel before me, you peons!"

Henry chuckled and awaited a response. It was doubtful that he would understand their response, but they would be confused regardless. He waved down to the people beneath him. It was going to be a fun day!

by **Ort** » Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:48 am

Terry Mayhew a.k.a. Quizling

Terry wasn't particularly enjoying this presentation, it felt too much like school and school isn't a place for smart people. Despite their apparent qualifications, Doctors Crantz and Denstern were presently demonstrating his point. Considering that almost all technetium is produced synthetically and only a minuscule amount exists in the Earth's crust, it's incredibly unlikely that they'd actually found a large, naturally occurring deposit but instead were either morons or liars. Terry's prevailing theories concerning this thing's origin were that it wasn't actually a chemical element but its ability to interface with technology and alter its physical structure suggested that they'd made an initial attempt at manufacturing nanotechnology. Alternatively, this element wasn't indigenous to Earth and either Doctors Crantz and Denstern were either lying about its terrestrial origins or idiots who'd made an incredibly unscientific assumption that, because this chemical element possessed some similar properties to technetium, it must be technetium.

Why they'd bother announcing its existence at all if they'd either made an attempt at creating nanotechnology or knew about its extraterrestrial origins - and especially in Orient, Minnesota of all places - didn't make any sense to him suggesting that they were actually morons who sincerely believed that they'd found a large, naturally occurring deposit of technetium that possessed several unique traits not demonstrated by literally any other sample of technetium on Earth. Terry's theory that this element didn't originate on Earth was reaffirmed by the arrival of an immense metal cylinder that hovered above Orient and began emitting a sequence of bizarre, guttural noises unlike anything he'd ever heard. To an untrained ear, these sounds would appear random and disorganised but Terry's linguistic knowledge allowed him to recognise phonetic patterns suggesting that someone or something was attempting to communicate with Orient's residents. Considering that this perfectly coincided with the presentation of Doctors Crantz and Denstern's discovery suggested that, whoever or whatever was currently trying to contact them wanted the not-technetium. Terry continued eating his peanuts: this was beginning to get interesting.

by **The Last Abode of Pando** » Sat Jul 22, 2017 2:29 pm

Ed and Aesculapius
Before the can had landed, the twins were staring off into space. Not space space, but space. When the can landed, they looked around for the sound, just realizing that other stuff had happened since they last spoke. For no apparent reason, a rather large can had just hit the ground. Snarling noises could be heard emanating from the hunk of metal. In the midst of the villains, the ground grew a rather large amount of fungi. Toadstools, mushrooms, yeasts, athlete's foots and others all rapidly growing up from the earth.

Florida Man
Joshua James
Still Dying
On Fire
Well, Actually the Fire is on Him
Well, He is the Fire
Also Staring off Into Space
Not Space Space, But Space
Hearing a Crash
Turning Around
Seeing a Can
Feeling Something Weird at His Feet
Fungi?
That's Odd
Very Odd
So Odd That if This Were a Story People Would Have Thought That the Author Was Bored and Came up With Something "Random"

Joshua James was really tired of dying, but hey! A can. *Sarcastic 'Yay'ing* Wait. At his feet. Were those mushrooms? They were mushrooms. Some of the mushrooms were on fire, because of Florida Man's lower legs, however, most of the fungi were not on fire. Joshua decided to charge the can, if for no other reason than to escape from the flaming pile of fungus. Thud.

Steve
Steve was also staring off into space, however, there was one difference between the three previous space starers and Steve, namely, Steve was staring off into space space. Because of this, Steve saw the can before everyone else did, but it just thought that it was a falling chunk of rock.

by **Mirigli** » Sat Jul 22, 2017 3:52 pm

Cinderella

There's a can.
This is normal.

Why there can't be just a normal convention for once, I don't understand. Instead of some fancy-schmanzcy radioactive something or other, why couldn't these scientists stick to something normal, like, I don't know, iron. Man, all I wanted was to beat some punk up and now some stupid can was taking that away from me.

You know what, I'm sick of people upstaging my place. People don't even notice me when I'm not a Scottish grandmother who is currently snoring in the back of my head! Besides, I can't commit assault, so the law's on my side for randomly attacking people without provocation!

"MEOWWWWW!" I yell, taking my heel and slamming it into the nearest person (Florida Man?). I continue to batter them with it for as long as possible.

by **Talchyon** » Sat Jul 22, 2017 7:36 pm

The scene in the park and warehouse. (Because, you know, it's all connected. I think the Illuminati is involved...)

The silvery, hollow can connected by a string of energy that ran out into space past visible eye contact, continued the alien snarls. Though completely fraudulent, the words of Blimpman had no effect. Not that he could see, that is. Nothing seemed to happen with the silver can on an electric string. And below, no one actually acknowledged themselves as peons and bowed beneath him. Just then, it plummeted to the ground and Florida Man ran into it with a thud, before getting kicked in the leg several times by Cinderella. The flaming fungi that had been on Florida Man, however, continued to burn and spread to the other fungi that was there. A rather annoyed Diet Cola hosed them all down with soft drinks, and the flaming fungus menace was doused.

Shortly after this, the silver can reeled back to the place it had been, making the kind of noise that a fishing pole makes when it is bringing in a lure. It went right back next to Blimpman. And the snarls went silent.

A few seconds passed, with the only sounds being the screams of the dying Florida Man and the unmistakable whacking noises of a girl kicking him.

And then, the can began to speak. In English. A man's nasal voice sounded through the message delivery system.

Hello? Hello? Is this on? Hey, where did we put that universal translator switch again? I don't think they're getting us. Hello? Testing... 1... 2... Testing. What?
What's that? You said I accidentally hit the universal translator switch with my butt? Great then! I can finally give the message I was meaning to say." This was followed by what sounded like a guy clearing his throat of a lifetime of phlegm.

"Ahem. Greetings, Planet Earth. I am Spasticus the Snarler, intergalactic courier. You are a weak, puny planet. And I have come to welcome you to the galaxy. At least our part of it. So, welcome, guys. I hope you enjoy some of the intergalactic picnics and you know, just your average meet-and-greets with the neighbors, oh, and... wait... Steve! Hey, how you doing, man? It's good to see you! But anyway, what I was meaning to say was, I am here to officially welcome you to the galaxy, even if you're pretty pathetic. We won't mind.

"So, as I'm sure you know, there's been a contest scheduled in the farthest reaches of the Fuschia Quadrant for some time now. This is a contest of intergalactic arena battle, and everyone was invited to put forward champions. I have been tasked with going to the planets who had signed up and collecting their entry fees, and then transporting their champions to the Fuschia Quadrant. There, they will fight to make their planet proud and one will emerge the champion!

"And then there's you. Earth, we found that you were signed up and that you clearly have the entry fee. But you didn't indicate what champions you wanted to represent Earth in this interstellar contest. So, I'll just take up your entry fee right now, and then when my ship gets there in a bit, you can all decide who will stand for you and I'll take that person or persons to go with me. Excellent, then! Oh crap, I just dropped my drink on my pants. Get me some new pants!"

At that moment, something strange happened at the warehouse. The top flipped open (like it was on a hinge), and all of the samples of radioactive rocks floated up into the can. The uranium. The technetium. And even from Blimpman's pockets, the mighty thorium. And not only were radioactive materials taken. The Quizling's can of peanuts also floated up into the air, being sucked into the giant silver hollow can. And then, the can lifted back into space, pulled by the giant energy cord until it was out of sight.

Coathangerman was the first to respond. "What in the wide wide world of sports is going on here?"

by **Zanera** » Sat Jul 22, 2017 8:16 pm

Talchyon wrote:
The scene in the park and warehouse. (Because, you know, it's all connected. I think the Illuminati is involved...)

The silvery, hollow can connected by a string of energy that ran out into space past visible eye contact, continued the alien snarls. Though completely fraudulent, the words of Blimpman had no effect. Not that he could see, that is. Nothing seemed to happen with the silver can on an electric string. And below, no one actually acknowledged themselves as peons and bowed beneath him. Just then, it plummeted to the ground and Florida Man ran into it with a thud, before getting kicked in the leg several times by Cinderella. The flaming fungi that had been on Florida Man, however, continued to burn and spread to the other fungi that was there. A rather annoyed Diet Cola hosed them all down with soft drinks, and the flaming fungus menace was doused.

Shortly after this, the silver can reeled back to the place it had been, making the kind of noise that a fishing pole makes when it is bringing in a lure. It went right back next to Blimpman. And the snarls went silent.

A few seconds passed, with the only sounds being the screams of the dying Florida Man and the unmistakable whacking noises of a girl kicking him.

And then, the can began to speak. In English. A man's nasal voice sounded through the message delivery system.

Hello? Hello? Is this on? Hey, where did we put that universal translator switch again? I don't think they're getting us. Hello? Testing... 1... 2... Testing. What?
What's that? You said I accidentally hit the universal translator switch with my butt? Great then! I can finally give the message I was meaning to say." This was followed by what sounded like a guy clearing his throat of a lifetime of phlegm.

"Ahem. Greetings, Planet Earth. I am Spasticus the Snarler, intergalactic courier. You are a weak, puny planet. And I have come to welcome you to the galaxy. At least our part of it. So, welcome, guys. I hope you enjoy some of the intergalactic picnics and you know, just your average meet-and-greets with the neighbors, oh, and... wait... Steve! Hey, how you doing, man? It's good to see you! But anyway, what I was meaning to say was, I am here to officially welcome you to the galaxy, even if you're pretty pathetic. We won't mind.

"So, as I'm sure you know, there's been a contest scheduled in the farthest reaches of the Fuschia Quadrant for some time now. This is a contest of intergalactic arena battle, and everyone was invited to put forward champions. I have been tasked with going to the planets who had signed up and collecting their entry fees, and then transporting their champions to the Fuschia Quadrant. There, they will fight to make their planet proud and one will emerge the champion!

"And then there's you. Earth, we found that you were signed up and that you clearly have the entry fee. But you didn't indicate what champions you wanted to represent Earth in this interstellar contest. So, I'll just take up your entry fee right now, and then when my ship gets there in a bit, you can all decide who will stand for you and I'll take that person or persons to go with me. Excellent, then! Oh crap, I just dropped my drink on my pants. Get me some new pants!"

At that moment, something strange happened at the warehouse. The top flipped open (like it was on a hinge), and all of the samples of radioactive rocks floated up into the can. The uranium. The technetium. And even from Blimpman's pockets, the mighty thorium. And not only were radioactive materials taken. The Quizling's can of peanuts also floated up into the air, being sucked into the giant silver hollow can. And then, the can lifted back into space, pulled by the giant energy cord until it was out of sight.

Coathangerman was the first to respond. "What in the wide wide world of sports is going on here?"

Pill-OW! wasn't paying much attention to the giant tin can. It was likely a villainous trick. But that was before the warehouse's rocks and some guy's peanuts got sucked up into the can as part of some fee these aliens were talking about. By then, Pill-OW! believed they were real aliens. He also believed these villains still needed a butt-kicking for at least trying to execute an evil plan.

"Some alien stuff we can deal with later. These villains were going to do villain stuff! Like steal rocks! We can't let them get away, can we? We're the good guys, the heroes of Orient, and we don't let people walk around this place thinking about stealing rocks from abandoned warehouses! Whatever we do, it needs to involve kicking the butts of these villains, to teach them the appropriate and effective lesson, of not thinking about stealing from places!"

by **Mirigli** » Sat Jul 22, 2017 8:25 pm

I turned to Pill-OW!

"Yeah! Yeah, you're completely right! They were going to completely derail the way of life in Orient by stealing some dumb rocks from a dusty warehouse no one cares about! What a travesty! We need to commit not-assault! I'm with you, Pill-OW!, and I'm like, live and let live, man -- I'm a millenial, after all -- these aliens can spill drinks on themselves as much as they want! I say we give these nerds a noog-- I mean teach them a lesson!"
I only had about an hour left today as me, and I sure wanted to make the most of it.

by **Ort** » Sun Jul 23, 2017 3:01 am

Terry Mayhew a.k.a. Quizling

While in rehab, Terry had taken an anger management course. He didn't go into uncontrollable fits of rage as often anymore so he'd considered the course a success but any progress Terry had made in the last few months was about to face a serious setback: aliens had taken his peanuts. Although he probably should've been busy contemplating what he'd just seen - adjusting the sample space to account for these new variables and calculating the posterior probability distribution - he couldn't concentrate on anything but his stolen peanuts. Maybe it wasn't just about his peanuts but instead the cumulative crap Terry had endured but he wasn't just going to stand, or sit, idly by while technologically advanced extraterrestrials held his salted snack hostage. It's rude to interrupt a not-so-scientific presentation and steal a man's nuts, whether you possess the capability to vaporize an entire planet or not. Terry stood up, brushed the crumbs off of his jacket and purposefully strode over to where his so-called teammates where about to do battle with their arch-rivals. The bumbling aliens, or alien - singular, had made it very clear that they wanted champions to compete in their intergalactic gladiatorial games and so Terry couldn't get his peanuts back alone, he'd need the rest of the Minnesota Infinites, however moronic they are. Standing before his assembled teammates, who didn't seem at all phased by the sudden arrival and equally as sudden departure of extraterrestrial life, Terry spoke. "Look you stupid @&*#ing morons, although you're all beneath me intellectually and socially, I'm going to need your help - those @&*#ing aliens stole my @&*#ing peanuts! You can't just steal a man's peanuts and get away with it! We need to teach them a lesson - now are you with me?" Terry could probably have phrased his speech differently, made it more inspiring, but he couldn't concentrate on anything right now besides retrieving his precious peanuts.

by **Zjaum** » Mon Jul 24, 2017 5:49 pm

Henry "Blimp Man" Hinshaw

Blimp Man was, at first, mildly perturbed about the loss of his precious metals, but his imagination led him to a greater prospect of glory: controlling planets- plural! Why be satisfied with just Earth when he could settle whole, brand new rocks just waiting to be conquered! Why, he could have himself a whole Blimp Planet, a planet made exclusively of hydrogen and helium!... Wait, that was just a star. Speaking of...

"Hey, what are we winning, anyway? I'm not doing it for participation trophies!"

Aubree "Goldilocks" Lincoln

Aubree was thinking along quite different lines than those for Blimp Man's ambitions and her compatriots' conspiracy theories. For one, who signed them up? As far as she knew, humans hadn't made any contact with other species. Did we have secret observers? She blushed. Secret admirers?

What's more, it didn't seem like the Infinites were the right heroes for the job. Weren't there, like a hundred better Infinites in a dozen better chapters who could do a better job?

She covered the mouths of the two talking Infinites so that the aliens might be able to hear her better, if they could hear her at all. "Hey, how much time does Earth get to decide on this thing?" She kept covering their mouths and listened intently for a response. The big metal cup was gone, but surely someone was still out there to monitor them, right?

by **Talchyon** » Tue Jul 25, 2017 6:41 am

At the park (or close to it by the abandoned warehouse on Old Abandoned Warehouse lane)
Captain Calculator and Doc Bur-Ock

As the two heroes continued to threaten "not-assault" (though it legally was assault), Doc Bur-Ock held up his hand to pacify the easily angered Diet Cola, and just grinned at them and said, "Ha. We haven't committed any crime, heroes. We're just here. Minding our own business, and you spandex-wearing chumps want to come and beat us up. We ought to call the police." And, as it happened, Orient's lone police officer who had been assigned to guard the radioactive elements noticed the group. He was a weathered, crusty old man, with plenty of years of experience that had to make up for his lack of physical prowess. Slightly plump, the officer walked up to the group and said, "Now what's this you folks are talking about? And what just happened to the radioactive elements?"

Doc Bur-Ock grinned and pointed to Pill-OW and Cinderella, whose mouths Goldilocks was covering with her hands. "Yeah, officer, these two members of the Orient Spandex club threatened to beat me and my friends up. And we weren't doing anything, just wanting to play cards."

Calculator said, "Wait. Officer, I don't think that's exactly what happened..." But it was too late and too soft for the policeman's failing hearing. He went to the two of them and said, "There will be no beating up of innocent citizens who want to play cards while I'm on duty. When I'm off duty, well, I guess I can't really do much to stop you. I'm not bench pressing what I used to, and I probably wouldn't have my gun. So it's a good thing I'm on duty now! If you even touch these innocent citizens, I will have to arrest you."

Doc Bur-Ock just grinned and pointed at Cinderella. "Oh yeah. She also was kicking our molten, on-fire friend over there. A lot."

The officer looked at Florida Man and gasped. "What in the blue blazes happened to him?"

Doc Bur-Ock said, "Oh, it was a freak welding accident."

The officer looked at Doc Bur-Ock, and then back at Florida Man. "Your friend needs a hospital."

Doc Bur-Ock said, "Yeah... We'll take him to a hospital as soon as we can. Why didn't we take him to a hospital this whole last year guys?"

Meanwhile, Captain Calculator was trying to deal with the anger of Terry the Quizling. "Yeah, I get that your peanuts are gone. But there's a bigger problem. We have who knows who short of a time to figure out who can represent the Earth and fight for us. I have no clue what's at stake" (glancing up at Blimp Man) "but this alien is going to take someone! And I have a bad feeling about this." He also was wondering who had signed Earth up to participate in this battle. And what kind of battle it was going to be. Guns? Wits? Powers? Surviving an attack of 10,527 deranged squirrels?

Just then, Calculator's cell phone began to play his ringtone (Kraftwerk, "Pocket Calculator". Several times in a row. He had text messages. Someone actually sent his phone text messages. He pulled out his phone and unlocked it with a tremendously and agonizingly long password. Then he opened the text messages and gasped!

"Guys! I just got text messages! From lots of the Infinites! I mean the real Infinites! Not like we're not, but you get what I'm saying. " This may or may not be good news. Captain Calculator was often purposefully kept in the dark about what was going on in the world of the more powerful Infinites' chapters. But the last he knew, two years ago, there had been fighting among the Infinites and some of the so-called heroes were doing some pretty destructive things. Calculator began to read them aloud.

Calc -
We also heard this alien message. It seems it went around the world, and was translated into every language. What the?! Are you there?

- Arclight

Capt. Calculator -

We got this strange alien message and pinpointed it beginning at Orient. What gives?

- Stratosphere

Hey. Yeah, I know we never talk. If we need someone to represent the Earth and fight aliens, I'll do it! Peace out.

- Slipstream

Um. Hey. So, what the heck is happening in Orient. Aliens? More aliens?! Did Glitch have anything to do with this?

- Captain Cosmos

Pick me! Pick me! I'll fight!

- USAviator

You may have won an all-expense free trip on a Royal Cruise heading to Haiti, the Bahamas, and St. Kitts. Just click on this link, fill out our form, give us your credit card information and social security number, and the trip may be yours.

- Nigerian Royal Cruises

Calculator looked at that last one. "Um, sorry, I didn't need to read that one."

Captain Calculator -

I don't like the sound of this. Who signed Earth up to fight in some intergalactic challenge? Who are these aliens? What was the price we "agreed" to pay, even though no one did any such thing?

- Pryce

There were 14 other messages all along the same lines. Heroes either volunteering to fight or asking in a state of panic what the heck was going on. Calculator wished he knew, too.

Spasticus the Snarler

The snarling alien flipped off the comm switch as the message delivery system was pulled back to the ship. "Well, it seems like planet Earth got our message then. Great. Hope they believed it. Not like it matters." And the huge alien ship hurtled through the solar system towards planet earth and ludicrous speeds.

by **Zanera** » Tue Jul 25, 2017 2:54 pm

Pill-OW!
By the Empty Abandoned Warehouse

Pill-OW! started talking until he noticed that he had to pull free from a fellow hero's hand in order for anyone to hear him at all, since what he had to say was such of the utmost importance that he knew his words would echo throughout the world without echoing throughout the world in actuality, more like figuratively, but Pill-OW! didn't get that far in school, so he stopped thinking about nothing and started talking about something:

"The law has recently been brought against me, as if I am on the wrong side of it. As a hero, this should not be. My conduct has been like a bad guys', and so I apologize to my fellow Infinites, the bad guys I wanted to beat up, to Orient, to Minnesota, to this region of America, to America, and to the...uh...world. I have done a wrong that was not right, which must be righted because right now, I am crooked. Morally crooked. In order to right myself, I must enter this alien contest thingy in order to...redeem myself. I formally volunteer myself to enter this contest, rather than the dozen other heroes that also want to save the world but are not relevant because they weren't here so we get firsties."

by **Ort** » Tue Jul 25, 2017 3:46 pm

Terry Mayhew a.k.a. Quizling

Terry wasn’t about to let some upstart wannabe superhero nonchalantly brush him off, especially not a member of the Minnesota Infinites. Although, he was also technically a member of the Minnesota Infinites, Terry didn’t like to consider himself as pathetic as his quote-unquote: “teammates.” Despite this, he decided that it’d be best to compose himself before continuing. Anger wasn’t likely to yield positive results and so Terry began to wordlessly count backwards from one hundred and fifty while simultaneously inhaling and exhaling, mumbling “I shan’t axe murder my teammates” between breaths. Terry’s fellow Infinites seemed preoccupied by … Calculator-Man? Was that his name? It didn’t matter, the general gist of their present predicament was that he’d received text messages from other superheroes from different Infinites teams regarding a response to the extra-terrestrial’s bizarre suggestion that they provide contestants for an intergalactic kill-a-thon. As his peanut-rage began to dissipate, Terry did realise that he’d been rather foolhardy - something that actually caused him genuine physical pain to just remotely contemplate - to insist that they immediately pursue the seemingly incredibly advanced aliens who’d come and gone in the blink of an eye. Not literally the blink of an eye, that was just an idiomatic way of saying that they’d arrived and, relatively soon after, departed. Regardless, he’d need a plan before proceeding any further with a suggestion that they volunteer themselves as tribute.

by **Mirigli** » Tue Jul 25, 2017 3:56 pm

Cinderella bit Goldilocks' hand, which hurt quite a lot considering her golden body content. Nevertheless, she pulled away. Worried, Cinderella jumped in. "Please don't fire me. Please don't fire me. It's Pill-OW!'s fault! Fire him! He lied about the law. Although really, what is the law? It's completely made up. I could just say, 'Eat my shoe! Now that's a law,' and everyone would believe me."

Concerned, the police officer weighed in. "Ma'am, that's actually not how it works-"

"How would you know? It's not like you work for the government or something," she snorted. "Get a load of this guy."

She heard Alma in the back of her mind. Ye rockit! That's gonnae gie ye fired. They caa it a "bad wark ethic." That's whit got me fired frae th' dumplin' shop, 'at an' somethin' th' fire marshal calls "arson." Ye shoods volunteer wi' yer idiotic coworker. it makes ye swatch better. An' if ye dornt dae it, Ah will when Ah gie yer body in an hoor. Fine. We're all human. Torching these villains would have to wait for another time.

"But I don't want to lose my job and I'm not an arsonist, so I stand with Pill-OW! -- the Minnesota Infinities will stand with our teammate, or something, I guess. We volunteer as tribute!"

by **The Last Abode of Pando** » Tue Jul 25, 2017 7:13 pm

Ed and Aesculapius
The can had been drawn up to wherever. The fungus had been extinguished. It all seemed to be over; however, the other heroes and villains were wanting to have a fight, albeit legally, in front of the policeman.

Ed asked him while folding a new paper airplane from his satchel, "Um. Would this count as fighting?"

The airplane was brought to life. As usual, the rather small paper war machine started shooting at everything, including the heroes, villains, policeman, fungus, and Jesse Ventura. Aesculapius, however, was not amused at this display of flying paper productions, and, while being shot at, decided against drawing his weapon. Who knows. Maybe a fight would start between Steve and the police officer, or something.

Suddenly, Aesculapius screamed, "Terry! Look out! It's. Well. I don't really know what it is, but it looks like the thing from earlier!"

Florida Man
Joshua James
Rolling on the Ground
On Fire
Seething From the Pain of Being Kicked
In Addition to the Other Pain
Even More Pain
Coming From
Is That a?
Yes. Yes it is
It's a Paper Airplane

Joshua, writhing in pain from all of the lead, fire, kicking, and little paper missiles, tried to get up. It was useless. He needed some way to get the fire put out. Like water. Water would put out the fire. How would he get some water, without yelling, "Water! Help me! Aaaagh! Get me water, H₂0, aqua. Man, I need some water here!" at the nearest super-powered human/crocodile/Steve. "I know," Florida Man thought to himself, "people always get water in sports, I just need to start a sport here."

"Everyone! Surprise Dodge ball, eh!"

After this, it seemed that it might devolve into a pick up game of dodge ball, but that might not actually happen. One of the Infinites, half of the Siamese twins replied to this statement of "dodge ball" with, "No no no. You don't want to play dodge ball, you want to play Epicball. Listen to me, man."

Steve

Steve could see that the spaceship was flying away. Hmm. "Hey, guys? The ship is leaving. It's almost the size of an ant."

"..., man." said one of the twins, probably Aesculapius, at the end of his, "Listen to me, man" sentence.

Steve could tell that no one was paying any attention to it, even though it was a rather large unusual light thing in the sky.

"Well, anyway, just thought y'all would like to know. Wait, is that a paper airplane? Ow. Ow. Cut it out. Ow. You're not Antharia Jack! Wait, now the ship's getting closer. What?"

by **Talchyon** » Wed Jul 26, 2017 3:31 pm

Between the old abandoned warehouse and the park
The Teetotaler and Coathangerman

The Teetotaler, the elderly hero wearing a monacle, with a loud-colored spandex suit with a cup of steaming tea as the logo on the front, turned to the two Infinites who were wanting to volunteer to fight in some intergalactic scuffle. And he said, "I dare say, my chaps. Volunteering to go into space and fight who knows what aliens would be there is the utter height of lunacy. You don't need to atone for wanting our adversaries to be stopped. And while we stand together as a team, we also don't stand together to get destroyed. Well, maybe not all of us. But dear fellow and lady, we shouldn't volunteer to fight in this challenge. It is preposterous and utterly foolhardy. I propose we let the more powerful Infinites handle it all, while we stay on earth and do what we do best. Stopping jaywalkers and rescuing cats out of trees."

Then he had to swat away an animated paper airplane that was firing paper missiles at him that didn't exactly wound, but really annoyed.

Coathangerman grinned at the mere mention of playing Epicball, the game they invented some time back that basically involved making up the rules at random moments and using every and all of the sports equipment in the game, and sometimes not sports-related equipment, like a ladder.

But when Steve said that there was a ship coming closer, he looked up, straining to see it. It didn't look to him like a ship was coming closer. It was just a normal sunny day, almost noon. Maybe Steve had better vision than he had. "You say you see a ship coming towards us, Steve? Is it coming in fast?"

The police officer, annoyed at the paper airplane firing annoying paper missiles at everyone, told the group that whoever started this needs to knock it off. At which Coathangerman looked at Ed, and then at the police officer, and said, "You got it, Mister. Fantastic. We have an alien ship coming to Earth and we have to swat away animated paper airplanes."

by **Inoroth** » Wed Jul 26, 2017 8:28 pm

Mr. Hue Green aka "Prism"
Center of All the Action

"Fashionably late, as usual."

He thought, rounding a corner. Lectures were boring enough as it was, but outside, where the acoustics were terrible and the weather unreliable, it was stupid. But what it did do was gather everyone together and make them moderately annoyed, and if that wasn't the perfect opportunity for a prank, Prism didn't know what was. Maybe he would change their lab coats from white to green, or turn the grass purple, or...

Hue stopped dead in his tracks.

'Or some kind of can on a chord sucking up a bunch of rocks...'

Looks like he wasn't the only one who thought pranks in the park was a cool plan. Hue casually strolled over to the knot of people gathered underneath where the sky can had been. Nobody seemed particularly alert, and he managed to essentially walk up to them unchalleneged. Although he had only been a part of the Orient Chapter of the Infinities for, like, two weeks, he recognized a few of them -- Coathangerman, Quizling, Pillow-something?, and of course, Calculator Man. As he got closer, he noticed there was some kind of model airplane shooting at everyone and annoying them. Someone else was taking his job as prankster.

"Hey all, I like how the team has a flying plane now, but it's missing something extremely important: decorations!"

Hue concentrated on the model, and suddenly it was all red, then the wings were white. That was better. Now among the other Infinites, he made an exaggerated salute and in his comedic idiot voice said.

"Prisim reporting for duty!"

by **Ort** » Thu Jul 27, 2017 4:00 am

Terry Mayhew a.k.a. Quizling

There seemed to be a growing consensus amongst his teammates that they should volunteer themselves for the extra-terrestrials’ gladiatorial games, at least Terry thought that they’d begun to agree on this particular course of action: it wasn’t easy to concentrate amidst the chaos that had begun to erupt around him. A paper airplane had started shooting paper missiles at him that didn’t cause any real harm, but did prove incredibly irritating. Terry was suitably confident that the man in white spandex, a pillow strapped to his front and … rear, supported the suggestion to enter the intergalactic murder-bowl. He also thought that the not-altogether unattractive blond woman also supported this motion, she’d effectively said as much. “We volunteer as tribute,” a touch too trite for Terry’s taste, but it functioned as a declaration of her support nonetheless. Although he wasn’t entirely sure on where everyone else stood on this position, he knew that the elderly, monocle-wearing man - a tea cup emblazoned on his chest - was against the idea. He’d suggested that they let their more competent counterparts on other Infinites teams handle it but Terry had a decent rebuttal to that argument. Turning to face his tea-themed teammate, Terry spoke. “If you consider the Minnesota Infinites sole responsibilities are to prevent jaywalking and rescue cats stuck in trees, then it won’t greatly impact the world if we are destroyed,” Terry paused momentarily, catching his breath. “It doesn’t make any sense to allow Earth’s actual superheroes to put themselves in harm’s way like this if we have an opportunity to do so. Worst case scenario: we all die gruesome deaths but are remembered as heroes. Best case scenario: we save the day, everybody lives, and I get my peanuts back.” Terry affected a sympathetic smile, hoping that it would seal the deal: although he knew it probably wouldn’t.

by **Zjaum** » Thu Jul 27, 2017 10:21 am

Aubree "Goldilocks" Lincoln

It hurt quite a lot when the young rascal bit her hand. Her hand may have been metal-infused, but it still had a nervous system. She yelped a little a shook her hand and listened to both the Teetotaler and the police officer give her flak.

Then she realized something, remembering back to when she was a child, on the internet for the very first time. She was looking up auto insurance (as most kids did in those days; the Internet wasn't as fun then, you see) when she saw something flashy to the side. They had won an all-expense-paid trip to Nigeria! But they hadn't signed up for anything, she recalled. Perplexed but curious, she clicked the flashy picture. Immediately, the house caught on fire and her mother contracted the bubonic plague.

She snapped out of her recollection. Hey, guys, what if it's a scam? I mean, nobody signed up for this, and they sure seemed in a hurry to get us to commit. I know it might not seem all that characteristic of us, but maybe we should send someone who isn't as valuable in our stead, just in case someone gets hurt at the competition."

As she looked around, though, she realized that everyone in the room was, in some way or another, more valuable than the Infinites. She sheepishly bowed her head. "Sorry, never mind. Forget I said that."

Henry "Blimp Man" Hinshaw

The police guard and all the security were now focused on the Infinites. Now was his chance to strike! As he descended, though, he remembered that the aliens had stolen his thorium rockets. Now he didn't have a plan of attack!

He was still determined as ever, though, to prove that he was there, at least for posterity's sake. He dropped down and immediately grabbed all the custom-made laboratory pens from the sign-in table. He shoved them into his pack and took off, chuckling at how easy it was. Success.

Well, it was easy to be successful once you redefined "success" after the fact.

by **Mirigli** » Thu Jul 27, 2017 11:52 am

"NO!" Cinderella yelled in agony.

Ever since she was a child, the only true test of how quality a business establishment was was its little treats and trinkets. Cinderella had been the type of obnoxious child to take the entire bowl of mints, or all the pens, or all the silverware off the table to the waitress' pain, or the tables, or the waitress. And she had been dragged to this boring science blablabla and the least she should get from it was a pen!

What about the children? WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN? All the poor children of the town, doubtlessly dragged to boring science conventions, the only glimmer of hope being the shiny pens you could stuff in your pockets that your mommy would make you return later. Their hope, shattered. This thief was cruel and inhuman indeed. Simply sadistic.

Running after him, she grabbed one of his ankles, but it didn't slow him down. Hmm. Where was a police officer when you needed one? She couldn't commit not-assault so Cinderella needed a new plan. She needed a distraction. "Yo momma's so fat, she doesn't need the Internet, cuz she's already worldwide! HA! I INSULTED YOUR MOM!"

by **Talchyon** » Fri Jul 28, 2017 10:16 am

Entering Earth's atmosphere in a huge ship
Spasticus the Snarler

As the minutes raced by full of discussions on Earth as to who would be champions and what was at stake, the large alien ship (roughly the size of Detroit and all its suburbs) began to enter the atmosphere. Again, the correct physical angle was taken so as not to burn the whole thing up. But this was quite the ordeal, since the ship was shaped not like a typical star ship, such as this...

Nor was the ship shaped like this...

Nor was the ship even shaped like this...

But the ship was shaped something like this. And because of this, it wasn't really a ship-shaped ship. Nor did it ships ships, or shipping ships, or chips.

That's right. The ship resembled a giant rickshaw, complete with a huge figure sitting in the carriage and another figure with robotic legs and an ancient Oriental hat pulling it. Both figures were part of the ship and were not sentient beings. Everything was all a silvery-gray, except for a few spots in there for shading and a couple of dark spots of white. The figure sitting in the carriage had a glare on his face, and the figure pulling the spaceship-rickshaw looked hot and bothered.

It was this Detroit-sized monstrosity that somehow entered Earth's atmosphere that fateful day. The ship of Spasticus the Snarler, otherwise known as The (some really hard to translate alien language that only dogs can hear), but perhaps best translated as "Squelch". (OOC - That last sentence is not the whole name, just so you are all aware, just Squelch).

And the huge, giant rickshaw from space sent down another can from an energy string, coming out of the bottom of the carriage portion of the ship. As before, the can announced its message to the fearful, watching planet, covering the whole planet with its news and translated into every language known to man (and a few not known to man). The same, nasally voice who spoke before now said,

"Hey! Planet Earth! Great place you have here. Can't wait to try some of your gyros. Oh. Wait. I've got a message. Right. And the message is... This... that I'm going to say to you... that's the one... right... Now where'd I put that wording? I had it all written out, but now it's gone. Did I leave it in my other pants? I think I left it in my other pants. Great. Guess I'll just have to wing it. Ok. Uh, here goes.

"Planet earth. You're supposed to have a champion, or champions, or something like that who will represent you in the upcoming intergalactic battles in the far-off Fuschia Quadrant. These battles will test your abilities - uh, good luck, guys. You're going to need it - I mean, sorry, these battles not only are for bragging rights and that kind of stuff, but also to spare your planet. Because whoever loses these battles, their planet will be put in slavery to the winners for a thousand of your Earth years! Whoever wins the battles, his planet will be spared and will not be enslaved! So, uh, Earth, I'm really surprised you entered this contest. You normally don't go out for things this extreme, but oh well. You can't back out of it now. So I await to hear who your champions are!"

by **The Irish County of the Beare-Mor** » Sat Jul 29, 2017 8:01 pm

Mikael
~Guess who's back, back again....me...the answer is me~

"1,000 years, huh? Well, I for one wouldn't want to be a, what was it, a slave for that long. I wouldn't have time to make more Kitten Cannons™." Mikael said, studying the, er, rickshaw ship thing flying stuffamajig. "But a champion, or more? How can we decide upon a champion? I wouldn't mind a little fight, I need to stretch my legs. Just let me go get my gun. I don't like being without it."

Mikael then pulled out a suitcase, from somewhere, and set it on the ground. It was approximately yay wide, by yay long, and was at least 2 deep. He opened up the padlock on the front, the zipper on the sides, the old rusty keyhole on the top, the clasps on the back, the vortex emulator on the bottom, and the cheesy combination lock behind him. Upon doing so, the top of the case burst open and inside held........

He proceeded to open locks, he opened the caps lock, the num lock, the bicycle lock, the vapor lock, the mortise lock, and the air lock.

From within he pulled out a balloon, and blew it up until it resembled a sphere about the size of Glitch's head. Mikael popped it, and apart from a long, drawn out, meowing noise, a kitten cannon was inside.

Mikael took it, and smiled. "There we go. So, I suppose I could be one of these champions. What do you guys think?"

by **Zanera** » Sat Jul 29, 2017 9:00 pm

The Irish County of the Beare-Mor wrote:Mikael
~Guess who's back, back again....me...the answer is me~

"1,000 years, huh? Well, I for one wouldn't want to be a, what was it, a slave for that long. I wouldn't have time to make more Kitten Cannons™." Mikael said, studying the, er, rickshaw ship thing flying stuffamajig. "But a champion, or more? How can we decide upon a champion? I wouldn't mind a little fight, I need to stretch my legs. Just let me go get my gun. I don't like being without it."

Mikael then pulled out a suitcase, from somewhere, and set it on the ground. It was approximately yay wide, by yay long, and was at least 2 deep. He opened up the padlock on the front, the zipper on the sides, the old rusty keyhole on the top, the clasps on the back, the vortex emulator on the bottom, and the cheesy combination lock behind him. Upon doing so, the top of the case burst open and inside held........
.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................another Suitcase!

He proceeded to open locks, he opened the caps lock, the num lock, the bicycle lock, the vapor lock, the mortise lock, and the air lock.

From within he pulled out a balloon, and blew it up until it resembled a sphere about the size of Glitch's head. Mikael popped it, and apart from a long, drawn out, meowing noise, a kitten cannon was inside.

Mikael took it, and smiled. "There we go. So, I suppose I could be one of these champions. What do you guys think?"

"Cats are the kings of Egypt, so maybe we can make everyone in the contest bow down to the kittens."

by **The Last Abode of Pando** » Sat Jul 29, 2017 9:02 pm

Ed and Aesculapius

That neatly folded red and white paper airplane was flying around, shooting at everything that moved, and half the things that don't, when it flew too close to former governor of the great state of Minnesota, former WWE superstar, and, perhaps most famous, former Captain Freedom in the 1987 movie, The Running Man, Jesse Ventura. The plane was quickly crushed into a ball, falling to the ground, as it's miniature paper people were destroyed.

The panic ceased.

Mostly.

Mainly just the paper panic. The alien panic was still in full swing.

Ed, meanwhile, was listening to the alien talking about his pants. He caught onto one sentence, "Can't wait to try some of your gyros." "Oh no! The aliens want to eat us! We're heroes."

Aesculapius heard the sentence also, as did the rest of the world, but thought Spasticus was referring to the TV show Heroes.
"Hmm. Why would they want to watch our mid-2000's superhero propaganda? It wasn't even accurate. The characters didn't even have
codenames. Wait. Ed... We don't have codenames. We're just as fictional as that show."

"Stop worrying about TV shows: they're going to eat us! Codenames! That's why it doesn't feel right in this RP. Um. How about from now on Aesculapius Johnson will be known as Schrödinger's Height-Related Person Thing, The Rather Tall Midget And Rather Short Giant At The Same Time Man."

"Great idea. You could be... um... Second Plague of Egypt Man, Ed!"

Lost in useless conversations betwixt each other, the twins didn't hear the part about the Earth being enslaved if the champions lost. Or the part about the champions.Or the part about the Fuchsia Quadrant.

Narrator, stop getting side-tracked.

"It's that voice, again."

"I heard it too."

"Never mind the voice, look at Mikhael."

"Hey, Mikhael. Are you sure that's enough security on your kitten cannon case? It seems kind of lax to me. Maybe you could use a guard dog or something."

It appeared that Glitch was flickering in and out of existence, but only to the twins. They didn't take any notice of it, mainly because the other characters had been doing the same thing off and on, almost as if they were slowly becoming inactive.

by **Inoroth** » Sun Jul 30, 2017 1:15 pm

Mr. Hue Green aka "Prism"
Center of All the Action

Have you ever had your dreams crushed? Like, physically crushed by a massive man who may or may not have been your state's governor? Most of you probably haven't. Hue hadn't either, until today. Even though he hadn't known the paper airplane long, and even though it wasn't his, he felt like he had been a part of its construction, and like it was a part of him. Now, it was mashed into an indecipherable mess of neat creases and messy crumples on the floor. Falling to one knee, Hue gingerly picked up the wreckage and searched for survivors -- there were none. He then took what was left of the origami masterpiece and tucked it into his pocket for proper disposal later -- full honors.

His grief was interrupted by calls directing him to consider the youth, or more accurately, to "think of the children". Turning, he saw a man wafting down, grabbing all of the pens from the collapsible table with all the papers blowing around... another danger of having these lectures outside. The man was then quasi-tackled by a young women who began shouting yo mamma jokes to slow him down. Hue didn't recognize either of them, so he wasn't sure what was going on, but he figured the guy fleeing the scene was probably in the wrong. Jogging up to the pair (he was completely averse to the concept of running), he joined in the name-calling.

"Yeah, and yo mamma so big, Jabba the Hutt said 'Daaaaaaang'!"

Before he could insult further, a massive object descended from the sky, blotting out the sun. It was not the space-ship-shape of staple science-fiction, no, it was not something that immediately registered as a ship at all. The thing descending from on high looked like it might be more suited to be on the cover of National Geographic magazine than suspended in the sky, burning through the atmosphere. Yet there is was, larger than life. Hue felt the urge to shout, though to no one in particular:

"What is that thing? It looks like it's the size of, I don't know, Cleveland? No... no no, now that it's closer, it seems more like it's the size of Detroit. No, Cleveland... No, I am certain it's Detroit."

His estimations were interrupted by that "Spasticus the Snarler" fellow, who delivered his message like a distracted puppy. His attention span was clearly not long, his meandering speech touched on a lot of things, mostly about competitions and slavery and earth-food. Things did not look good for the planet, not at all.

"So, what are we going to do? We should really formulate a plan..."

by **The Irish County of the Beare-Mor** » Sun Jul 30, 2017 6:24 pm

Mikael shrugged, "I don't really know that these aliens are as Egyptian as we might like. Maybe they might believe cats are their rulers, but probably not. But I can still shoot kittens from it. And that could help."

Mikael turned to Aesculapius, "Hmm....no, I think that might be enough security. It even has a caps lock. Also, I have the only key!"

Mikael reaches in his pocket and pulls out a key, and raises it above his head.

"Although, I do hope nobody with malice tries to harm us. I do so not like getting hurt."

The Infinites: And Beyond! (Comedy, Supers, Space, OPEN) -IC

Who is online