Kylaris Satirical Newsthread [ARCHIVED]

by **Kylaris** » Sun Mar 12, 2017 1:08 pm

Kylaris Union of Nonsensical Transmitting.

'For Dishonesty and Half-Assedness'

Welcome to the Kylaris Union of Nonsensical Transmitting, an international news association - and underling of an other great news mega-conglomerate - dedicated to delivering only the greatest pieces of trash in any form of media; tabloids, internet articles and bad reruns of shows on Challenge. Through K.U.N.T affiliates, readers have at their disposal a large collection of worthless trash.

by **Cyrisnia** » Thu Mar 16, 2017 8:34 pm

STOP BLAMING ME FOR TERRORIST ATTACKS.
If one more Hellenese "news" outlet asks me about how I keep getting away with it, I'm actually going to shoot up an office complex in downtown Gayneva.

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Samuel Ukryćski (@IDoDrugsInFrontOfChildren)
^{March 16th, 2017 | Inside of your Dad:}

me irl

Bottom Text -

Hey guys, Sam here. Real talk boi.

It has come to my attention that in recent months I've been the target of more and more people online blaming me for fake terrorist attacks, some of these have been reported on the news outlets in shitty 3rd or 4th world nations like Gaullica and that place full of black people (I think its called Glytter).
Anyways I'd just like to say that it'd be amazing if you all could stop blaming me and reporting that I did it each time some white kid in Asteria decides that he's had enough of the popular kids doing the hanky spank inside of his sister's cooch and shoots up his school.

I keep getting asked by various news outlets such as In Publicae, GBF, AIDS, Le Monde, ANN, and the Jade Star Media Group (along with others) about how exactly I "keep getting away" with it. It being the various terrorist attacks I have committed.

As of now; I have been blamed for the following terrorist attacks.
- The August attacks in Glytter
- Fake October attacks in Glytter
- A truck rampage in rural Soled
- At least 16 school shootings in Asteria
- At least 3 school shootings in Senouillac
- The beheading of 2 bishops in what is now Suladin
- Nuking some fake nation known as "Portugal"
- Illegal logging in the Celestial Isles
- Shooting tourists in the Celestial Isles
- Shooting natives in the Celestial Isles
- Killing Roland Paweł
- Killing Rand Paweł
- Joining Al-Haras (this was true)
- Shooting cops in downtown Verlois
- The Wacoa bombing

I get that the 4san shit is funny and all (trust me, I've done it too) but the fact of the matter is is that as I've typed this out (apart from jerking off) I've had 3 calls from some shitty news outlet in Hellenos asking me for an interview because I'm apparantly part of Al-Haras. Because of this, I'm hereby declaring war on the Hellenese state, and I will not rest until every last Hellene is dead. That's all I ask.

Please stop. I have the same right to life as a black guy in the Asterias in the 1800s.

Anyways, I guess that for the time being, as head of The Commonwealth's biggest satirical news website, I shall take the beacon/tiara upon my head and begin to faithfully combat the demon known as "FAKE NEWS." How will I do that, you ask?

Simple.

Porn.

Every news outlet accused of being fake news by one outlet or politician or another will be bombarded with porn. I've paid out roughly 1000 Asterian dollars to purchase roughly 10,000 twitter bots that will DM and @spam every news outlet and twitter handle associated with said news outlet with mountains upon mountains of pornography, all kinds too.

Sam out. Stay real boi.

(My standup tour begins May 3rd, you can buy tickets and see the schedule here. It begins in Ustowanię and ends in Verlois.)

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AverysSoupCookingShow · 8,124
This is some potent and pungent 7d chess being played right here. This will make a fine addition to my Gaylic soup.

IDoDrugsInFrontOfChildren · 5,125
If that Avery soup fucker posts one more time I'm gonna shoot up a zoo.

AverysSoupCookingShow · 4,414
This is some potent and pungent 7d chess being played right here. This will make a fine addition to my Gaylic soup.

IDoDrugsInFrontOfChildren · 12,124
say no more fam

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by **Legatia** » Sat Apr 01, 2017 1:26 pm

-redacted-

by **Lupolska** » Sat Apr 01, 2017 1:26 pm

COALITION ALLIES LIBERATE GLYTTERONIAN KINGDOM
International coalition have stormed the beaches and cities of the Glytteronian Republic in what they have announced is a ‘War for Righteousness'

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Adrian Smalls (@AdrianTheSmall)
^{1 APR 2017 - 10:31 AM WST | CARISCI, WACOA}

Wacoan MBTs patrolling the Glytteronian wilderness outside Snarksburg.
Photo courtesy of Max Cardano.

SPÁLGLEANN, GLYTTER - Joining a host of other nations, the Wacoan Military Command, with the authorization of President Marsden, has ordered the deployment of troops to the Kingdom of Glytter, with orders to liberate the country from it’s current ruling dynasty and help reestablish the government based on ‘the Universal Eastern Values which bind us all’, as quoted by Marsden’s press secretary in a recent conference. The Wacoan Armed Forces join those of Asteria, Nematsu, Risorgimentia, Roeselle, and Wazovia in their crusade to reclaim the land of Glytter for the people.

In the early morning hours of the so-called G-Day, Wacoan landing craft were deployed from Asterian warships in the North Sea, landing upon the western shores of the cold island nation. Within hours, the combined military forces had entered and occupied the city of Snarksburg. The Glytteronian Army had already abandoned the city for the wilderness, leaving behind only a small contingent of Glytteronians armed with traditional melee weapons to resist the liberating forces. They quickly laid down their ‘weapons’, and were taken into captivity to be tried for crimes against humanity and morality. Military forces have already begun to make advances into the interior of Glytter, where the Wacoan doctrine for Arctic Warfare, often considered unneeded, is being put to a live test.

Shortly after the routing of the enemy, the Wacoans and Risorgimentians set to work jointly rebuilding the nation, beginning with the establishment of each nation’s respective laws in their zones of control. “It is important to expose these people to the rule of a just, and moral, and proper law, rather than the contrived, baseless excuse for one that Glytteronian lawmaking activists have forced upon the nation for centuries,” says Colonel Eric Harris of the Wacoan Army. “These poor people have been brainwashed into an utterly unnatural way of life, which can only serve to benefit the ulterior motives of a national elite. A modern-day secret aristocracy, oppressing the peasantry below, if you will. That’s not something that Wacoa will stand for in this world.”

Though Colonel Harris’s concerns definitely echo those of the Wacoan public, they are not the sole reason for the entry of Wacoa into this alliance. “It’s quite simple. While Glytter has always been one of the most despicable, inhospitable nations in the world, we have been willing to deal with it nonetheless in our pursuit for peace between Wacoa and each of the world’s other nations.” explained Congressman Dylan Fletcher, a prominent Wacoan lawmaker who supports the Wacoan intervention. “For a time, Glytter was willing to overlook the cultural barriers to our two nations on this basis. However, the Glytteronian Kingdom has since turned a full 180 degrees, completely facing its back to Wacoa and many other nations and instead opting to pursue the dangerous, yet vain prospect of shaping the world to its own liking through the vile Walker Doctrine. This is a policy that Wacoa was never willing to tolerate- and, by God, we have ceased the toleration of this egregious offense against all that we hold dear in the community of the overarching culture of the East.”

In the coming days, it remains to be seen how the coalition will win the hearts and minds of the local populace, and rescue multiple generations of a national populace from the inhumane mindset drilled into them by their former rulers. Re-education resorts and a renaming of the isles are both being considered, among other options, according to a source within the government of Nematsu, a fellow allied power in the liberation effort.

War correspondents from each nation are accompanying their respective armed forces as they advance in the field in their liberation of the Glytteronian Isles. Likewise, journalists from the Sanremo Herald will be stationed alongside Wacoan military elements in the country.

by **Alinora** » Sat Apr 01, 2017 1:29 pm

INVASION OF GLYTTER!
The Federation, in coordination with other states, has launched a full-scale invasion of Glytter,

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Adam Bell (@AdamBell_ANN)
^{March 31st, 2017 | Columbia}

Federal Marines land on the shores of Glytter’s southern coast

Glytter - It now seems clear that any hope of repaired relations with Glytter are... impossible, for the Federation seems to be re-implementing it's 1930s-era policy of control over the island nation. This morning, at approximately 3:30am Euclean time, a series of non-nuclear ballistic missiles - launched from Wazovia and from the Asterian mainland - made contact across Glytter's military bases, especially it's airfields. It was not long after that Asterian jets passed into Glytteronian airspace, launched from aircraft carriers with the 5th Fleet, and also proceeded to systematically target military assets of the country's military. Then, in coordination with Nematsu and other nations, air and naval forces began bombarding Glytteronian cities across the board - landing Marines near Intertwinc.

Federation and allied forces seem to be implementing a policy of "Shock and Awe" as they launch their assault against Glytter, the State House saying only that "proof has been discovered that shows a complex plan by Glytter and it's affiliates to undermine, and bring down, our nation, and our allies." The Administration is yet to mention the presence of Nematsu forces, nor has it taken questions from the press - but millions are on the edges of their seats as they watch the events unfold. The Citadel, speaking on behalf of the Administration, issued a warning to "opposition" states - claiming that "interference will result in full retaliation in all forms", a statement that likely means that the Federation will retaliate with nuclear force, if unaligned nations involve themselves.

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by **Cyrisnia** » Sat Apr 01, 2017 2:15 pm

GLYTTER LIBERATED BY COALITION FORCES!
"Enough is enough. We have been pushed into a corner by them and this is what they get." - Prezydent Drzal.

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Wisław Radzikowski (@RadzikowskiWFT)
^{March 31st, 2017 | Ustowanię District, Ustowanię:}

Commonwealth Forces of the "Winter Warfare" brigade commandeering Glytteronian transport technology during the invasion.

Ustowanię -

Today marks the beginning of a new Era in Euclean and World history. The nation known as “Glytter” has been invaded by a brave coalition of multiple nations, ranging from our homes in the Commonwealth, to Asteria, along with other nations such as Wacoa, Nematsu, Roselle, and Risorgia. These nations, despite everything, have recognized a common enemy in Glytter, and despite being from both the CIS/CSS and DITO, have put aside their differences in combatting this threat to the world.

As we speak, forces of the coalition of nations, known as the “Group Operation Yesternight’s Intimate Moment,” or GOYIM, have landed on the beaches of Glytter and are currently pushing into the countryside and cities as we speak. Cities such as Spagleann, Gayneva, and Snarksburgh have been the scenes of heavy urban fighting between Glytteronian Police, Military, and “Resistance” movements and the forces of the coalition. Ballistic missiles have struck strategic targets in all cities, including the various airports around the nation. Clochnoc Fortress in Spagleann has been destroyed by Asterian missiles.

Spagleann is currently the scene of aerial bombings by the Nematsujin and Commonwealth air forces. Asterian troops have landed in Gayneva and are in the process of bombing it as well. Wacoan forces, along with Risorgia's air forces, are currently bombing Snarksburgh. Rosellean forces are currently bombing the cities of Invertwinc.

It is currently unknown how many remain, but a “good number,” according to military advisors and spokespeople, of people serving in the Gaylic government are “captured or deceased.”

Whilst it is currently unknown what plans are in store of occupied Glytter, or if it will be partitioned, as some have proposed -- it is known that whichever areas of the island nation is controlled by those liberating it will have their laws imposed on it.

Governor Mykolas Petrulis giving a speech to Commonwealth troops on the ANS - Dixon.

Governor Mykolas “Elektromas” Petrulis, of Lothuye, had this to say on the matter:
“For far too long, the bankers and aristocrats over in Spagleann and Gayneva have pushed their demanding and unequal wills forcibly down the throats of other nations. They spread their harmful agenda, forcing other nations and cultures to butcher their traditions, values, and history to appease both their narrative, and their wallets. They, and their Walker Doctrine, are the AIDS of Eastern Civilization in our world. It has been us in the past, and now, today, we get what was taken from us against our will. I will have you know, that we do not seek war with the world -- but rather justice for what wrongs have been done to us. They have sent their bankers and their diplomatic barbarians to rape our coffers and wallets like they have done in Caesoux. They have tried to destroy Asteria and her allies. They’ve aided the disgusting threat known as Communism in the Asterias.”

A photograph of Invasion Plans sent to us by an anonymous member of the Risorgian military.

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BRAP · 166
sniff...pungent...is that chutney of garlic and onion i smell my dear?

Ledditor · 5,787
eksdee

OogalaBoogala · 87,856
OOGA OOGA OOGA CHAKA OOGA OOGA OOGA CHAKA

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Kylaris Satirical Newsthread [ARCHIVED]

Kylaris Satirical Newsthread [ARCHIVED]

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