Radio Fatatatutti News [closed]

[Fatatatutti]

An explosion at the Puffa Puffa Rice factory early this morning brought emergency crews from all over the Fat City. There were no serious injuries but traffic was stalled in much of the east end by large drifts of puffa puffa rice. The problem is expected to ease by lunch time.

Some critics have questioned the wisdom of locating the Puffa Puffa Rice factory in the heart of the fireworks district but the President of the Fireworks Manufacturers Association points out that the explosions at the Puffa Puffa Rice factory don't add much to the statistical frequency of explosions in the fireworks district. The fireworks district has been known for frequent "incidents", especially the Great Fire a couple of decades ago which destroyed several city blocks. Since that time, the fireworks manufacturers have been distributed over a wider area, which doesn't decrease the number of incidents but reduces the danger of them spreading.

Reports of Alphonse eating puffa puffa rice at the scene have not been confirmed.

[Fatatatutti]

Tonight on FatatatuTV, Fish plays an elaborate April Fools prank on Alphonse, which is even funnier since it's September. Fish pretends to have caught agoraphobia from a doorknob, so Alphonse volunteers to go downtown to renew his bus pass for him. While he's gone, one of Alphonse's old Army buddies comes by looking for help with a problem and Fish masquerades as Alphonse. Meanwhile, Alphonse displays his usual incompetence and is arrested for stealing a bus.

[Fatatatutti]

The Va'a One orbiter is on schedule for its second mission, to be launched next week. EVA Specialist Sean McMurdo is expected to do the first EVA in high geosynchronous orbit. In the second phase, Mission Commander Major Alicia Thompson is expected to do the second EVA in low orbit, which will involve attaching a retro-rocket package to a foreign satellite to bring it down out of orbit and burn it up in the atmosphere. Flight Engineer Kingston Appleyard will be suited up to assist in case there are any complications arising from the foreign engineering.

The Manned Spacecraft Center has contracts with several foreign nations to destroy their obsolete satellites.

The anticipated first mission of Va'a One's sister ship, Va'a Two, has been delayed due to problems with the development of its remote manipulator arm. Because the turnaround time for Va'a One has been faster than originally planned, it is possible that the third mission of Va'a One will be scheduled before the first mission of Va'a Two. The Cape Carnival Space Center only has facilities for one launch at a time, though a second launch facility is planned for the near future.

[Fatatatutti]

Questions were raised in Parliament today about the Army's commitments to new peacekeeping initiatives in Africa and Asia. Foreign Minister Carmen "Shimmy" Dijkstra said that her Ministry and the Council of Generals have discussed a number of requests to determine which areas are the best prospects for peacekeeping, one of the major requirements being that there must be a peace to keep. The list has not yet been finalized.

General Tatacumbe, representing the Army, said that at least four thousand troops will be required for two full rotations. Despite the unanticipated delays in Fatatatutti's withdrawal from the Southland Sudan theater, he believes that the Foreign Legion will be able to make up the numbers by calling up its reserves. The Legion is also accepting new volunteers to replenish the reserves.

In related news, General Castro-Stalina was in Fat City today to visit sick and injured soldiers in several hospitals. The Foreign Legion and its peacekeeping activities are under the umbrella of her Air-Mobile Command but she could not be reached for comment.

[Fatatatutti]

FatatatuTV begins its new fall season next week.

Returning favourites include the ever-popular action-adventure series, Alphonse and Fish. Fish continues to renew his bus pass on an almost daily basis while Alphonse is eager to help his old Army buddies with their problems - though he invariably makes things worse rather than better.

Last year's spin-off, Alphonse Dynasty also returns with Alphonse's hillbilly relatives still feuding with Fish's hillbilly relatives.

And Alphonse continues to dominate the small screen in Baking With Alphonse. An endless lineup of celebrity guests are waiting to be covered in flour.

Fatatatutti's longest-running TV show, The Fishingtons, returns with the conclusion of last season's cliff-hanger finale: After being charged with murder countless times and after having been murdered every day for a week, family patriarch Tweed Fishington was finally arrested for murdering himself. Will he be able to escape the noose this season?

A rare TV show with a human-only cast, Cunliffe and Clitherow was the first series to feature two lesbian detectives, though it has since spawned any number of imitators. Tracy Cunliffe and Tracy Clitherow are back to scour the streets of Fat City for tourists who have forgotten to go home.

New this season is Alphonse and Fish Theater, a late-night movie show expected to consist mostly of the low-budget "Road" pictures that they made on their recent whirlwind international tour.

Another newcomer, O.J. Quackenbush, has a somewhat far-fetched premise: A hunter shoots at a duck but causes a geyser of oil instead. The oil-soaked duck is rescued by an environmentalist and (somehow) becomes an oil millionaire and moves to the big city. Colourful supporting characters include Grandpa Quackenbush, whose home-made fireworks provoke frequent complaints from the neighbours, and dim-witted nephew Lemuel (if you can imagine a dim-witted duck).

Yet another spin-off from The Fishingtons is Sniddler. The Fishingtons' sinister gardener, Sniddler, gets involved in a series of get-rich-quick schemes. Watch for the catch-phrase, "We've been sniddled!"

Also new is Husky and Starch: Mismatched detectives - one a muscle-bound hulk and the other a fussy neurotic - still manage to solve cases.

[Fatatatutti]

The Fatatatutti Relief Organization (FRO) has announced that it will coordinate humanitarian relief with the Army's Foreign Legion in its new peacekeeping initiatives in Africa and Asia. FRO Director Sunny Choi said that the hospital ship Dr. Lucille Teasdale-Corti and its auxiliary, the Pelican, are currently on station in the Indian Ocean and are expected to arrive in East Africa next month. Health Minister Dr. Alessandra Nobile has confirmed that her Ministry will assist with medical supplies and staffing.

Besides medical assistance, the FRO will provide food aid where necessary as well as long-term aid in the form of hospitals, schools and water wells. The Ministry of Foreign Affairs and the Ministry of Trade are expected to make contributions from their foreign aid budgets.

A second hospital ship, the Dr. Norman Bethune, and its auxiliary, the Dove, are expected to attend to the Asian theater as soon as their current assignment is completed.

[Fatatatutti]

At a press conference this afternoon, General Castro-Stalina defended the performance of the Air Search and Rescue division in a recent incident. According to critics, a busload of tourists stopped on the Cross-Island Highway so that some of the passengers could hike approximately one kilometer to a "scenic point" while other passengers stayed on the bus. When the hikers didn't return after several hours, police were contacted and eventually Air Search and rescue was called in. The criticism was that it took almost forty-eight hours to find the lost tourists, who had to spend two nights in the bush.

The General explained that the initial search began along the trail and the surrounding area and then expanded out from there. Expert trackers eventually found traces of the hikers and followed them back toward the road, then across the road and back into the bush away from the bus. She said that the searchers had followed logical procedures and if the hikers had had any sense they would not have gotten lost in the first place. When asked if she was blaming the hikers for their predicament she said, "Yes." She added that the Fatatatutian wilderness is relatively benign and a seven-year-old cub scout can survive quite comfortably - but if tourists want to explore our wilderness, they should use their heads.

The Air Search and Rescue division falls under the umbrella of the General's Air-Mobile Command.

[Fatatatutti]

Traffic was disrupted for several hours today along the Coast Highway northwest of Fat City as an Army airship used the roadway for an unscheduled landing. The A-10 hovered peacefully at a height of several meters, moored to a signpost, while crew members worked at fixing an engine problem. The roadway was not actually blocked and road trains continued to hurtle past at speeds upwards of a hundred kilometers per hour with their air-horns blaring but hundreds of cars were stopped along the shoulder so that their occupants could watch and take pictures.

When the repairs were completed and the airship majestically floated away, there was applause from the "audience". The worst snarling of traffic occurred when the parked vehicles tried to re-merge with the road-trains. Some minor accidents were reported but no serious injuries.

The Army and the Navy each operate several lighter-than-air ships for reconnaissance, anti-submarine warfare, search-and-rescue, etc. A spokesman for the Air Corps said that they have had chronic engine problems with their airships because they operate at speeds too slow for the cooling system to work efficiently.

[Fatatatutti]

Best-selling author and former President Mickey Chang told reporters last weekend that he plans to temporarily set aside the final installment of his "Geese" trilogy to write an illustrated history of Fatatatutti's movie industry. He said that the project was suggested by a meeting with current President Fish, who is also one of Fatatatutti's most prominent actors. Between the two of them, he hopes to have access to the archives of most of Fatatatutti's major movie studios.

The first volume of the "Geese" trilogy, The Geese in Winter, is about the coming of age of a young boy in Fatatatutti. It was also published in a popup version for children. The sequel, The Geese Remain, is about a young man's political awakening. The third installment, tentatively titled Geese Into Ducks, is expected to be an old man's reflections on the changes he has seen in Fatatatutti and in himself.

Mr. Chang has published more than a hundred books from The Big Book of Poi to A Short History of the Fatatatutian Revolution.

[Fatatatutti]

As the sun rose over Fat City today, the early morning silence was interrupted by heavy gunfire from the old warehouse district. Military transports and helicopters filled the sky and by noon there was a pall of dust and smoke over the old harbour. But the Ministry of Defense assures us that we are not being invaded; it's only an exercise.

Since the opening of the new container port, the old warehouse district has been virtually abandoned and has been slated for demolition to make way for a complex of tourist-oriented hotels and shops. In the meantime, the Army has rented the district to practice urban warfare.

Several thousand troops including paratroopers, heliborne troops and ground troops will be involved in the exercise. Many more will assist the police in keeping civilians way from the area. A temporary granstand has been built at the end of Wong Street for people who want to watch and bus service will be provided from various points in the city.

The exercise is expected to last more than a week and several buildings will be destroyed by artillery.

[Fatatatutti]

"Good evening, Fatatatutti and all the rest of the world if you're listening. This is Alicia Thompson on board Va'a One. We're flying in a geosynchronous orbit at an altitude af almost thirty-six thousand kilometers and a speed of approximately three kilometers per second. You probably can't see us without a telescope but in a little while we're going to put on a show that should be visible all over the island if it isn't too cloudy. We're deliberately doing this at night so you can see that we're not wasting your tax dollars up here.

"With me is Sean McMurdo, who is upside down for some reason. Earlier today he went outside for a little walk and attached a retro-rocket package to the satellite that you can see just outside the window if you're watching our video feed. Over there is King Appleyard, our engineer. Right now he's trying to back us away from the satellite a little bit so when the rockets fire we won't get burnt.

"This satellite is part of our FatSat network. It's considered obsolete. It has already been replaced by a newer model with better resolution, more bandwidth, more gigabits, more everything. We're going to try to knock it down out of orbit, to get it out of the way. Rght now it's just so much junk so we're going to burn it up in the atmosphere. That's what you're going to see any minute now. It should look a bit like a falling star.

"We're getting the word from the Cape. It's go for retro burn. Mr. Appleyard has the panel armed. This would be a good time to start your video recorders. Depending on where you are in Fatatatutti, we're a little bit to your left or right and a little bit south of due up.

"And we're counting... five seconds four... three... two... one.... And we have retro burn. It's going... going... gone.

"Well, we can't see much because our windows are too small. I hope you got a better view down there. We'll be hearing from the Cape when it goes off their radar....

"Okay... well, no word from the Cape yet. I guess we'll see the footage when we get back down to earth.

"So, that's about all we have for you tonight. Tomorrow we'll be dropping down to a lower orbit to take our first shot at a foreign satellite. We have permission, so don't worry about that. That's a new challenge for us so we'll have to see how it goes....

"Anyway, that's it from me, And good night from Va'a One."

[Fatatatutti]

A long-standing tradition was re-enacted today at the Banana Exchange when growers from all over the island brought bunches of bananas for the first sale of the season. After the stylized auction, the bananas were shared with the public.

The practice is thought to have originated when the first outsiders came to Fatatatutti and the islanders swarmed their ships with gifts of fruit. When bananas began to be grown as a cash crop, the Banana Exchange was founded as a sort of club where growers could meet to discuss banana-related issues; sometimes they banded together to get better prices. Eventually, the Banana Exchange grew into Fatatatutti's major commodity exchange, handling everything from pineapples and coconuts to bacon and wood chips. Recently the brokerage moved to a new building in the new financial district and the original building on Wong Street has reverted to a clubhouse and museum.

[Fatatatutti]

Earlier today, the crew of the spacecraft Va'a One failed in their first attempt to bring down a satellite under contract to an unnamed foreign nation. According to sources at the Manned Spacecraft Center at Cape Carnival, the retro-rocket package was successfully attached. However, the satellite soon began to wobble, which made it impossible to orient it properly for a safe re-entry. The satellite's own maneuvering system is no longer operational but officials are negotiating with the owners to determine the possibility of re-activating it. Meanwhile, engineers at the Manned Spacecraft Center are attempting to improvise a maneuvering system from materials available on Va'a One.

Two days ago Va'a One successfully brought down a Fatatatutian satellite but its sister ship, Va'a Two has been delayed due to problems with its remote manipulator arm. If the arm had been available for va'a One, the problem might have been averted.

[Fatatatutti]

The Manned Spacecraft Center at Cape Carnival has given Va'a One the go-ahead for another day in orbit. It is expected that Mission Commander Alicia Thompson and Flight Engineer Kingston Appleyard will do a second spacewalk to try to correct the problem which is preventing them from bringing down a satellite under contract to an unnamed foreign nation.

Earlier this week they brought down an obsolete communications satellite but the unfamiliar foreign technology presented unforeseen problems. The satellite developed a wobble which made it impossible to fire the retro-rockets safely. The Manned Spaceflight Center has been collaborating with the satellite's owners to find a solution.

[Fatatatutti]

General Marie-Louise Castro-Stalina was a special guest at a ceremony today to welcome home some of the last troops from the peacekeeping mission in Southland Sudan. She was instrumental in the creation of the Foreign Legion after the Crozet Peace Force debacle and she was the first commander of the Southland Sudan theater, where she was injured rescuing children from a school fire.

The General inspected the troops, stopping to talk to many of them, while the regimental band played her theme song, Roddy McCorley.

The returning troops are expected to be retrained for ongoing peacekeeping commitments in Africa and Asia. It is not certain at this time whether the few remaining troops in Southland Sudan will also be withdrawn or whether a token force will be maintained there.

[Fatatatutti]

The Va'a One spacecraft has returned from orbit and has landed safely in a cow pasture in southwest Fatatatutti. Army helicopters arrived shortly afterward to pick up the crew and to transport the orbiter to a nearby airbase, from which it will be returned to Cape Carnival to be refurbished for its next flight.

The Director of the Manned Spacecraft Center, Harlan Escrow, declared that the mission was a success even though it took a day longer than originally scheduled. He also announced that the next flight of Va'a One will have two new features: first, it will be the first to attempt to repair an existing satellite rather than destroy it; and second, it will be the first to try a water landing. Escrow added jokingly that the Va'a One has a typically Fatatatutian crew: a pilot who doesn't like heights and two divers who don't like to get wet.

He declined to say when the sister ship Va'a Two will be ready for its first flight.

In related news, a Fattywood production company has announced a major motion picture depicting the life of Alicia Thompson, from Marine commando to Navy diver to Mission Commander of Va'a One. The proposed title is Tommy Girl.

[Fatatatutti]

The oceanographic research vessel Boatie McBoatface is on station in the mid-Atlantic Ocean over the wreck of the submarine Angelfish. It is expected to team up with the Navy's Deep Submergence Recovery Vessel or DSRV to assess the possibility of raising the wreck.

The Angelfish was lost after a series of freak accidents rendered it inoperable and the Captain, Helena "Leni" Keefer, decided to scuttle it because it was a menace to navigation. Captain Keefer led her crew in a ragtag flotilla of rubber rafts several thousand kilometers to the islands of Gidney and Cloyd in the Caribbean, a feat of seamanship which will go down in history.

The attempt to raise the Angelfish is the final test of the DSRV, which is designed to rescue crews from sunken submarines.

The Boatie McBoatface was named as the result of a contest among schoolchildren.

[Fatatatutti]

The Presidential election is still two years away but the capital is bubbling with speculation about whose name will be on the ballot.

Some say that incumbent President Fish will not stand for re-election. Others say that he's a fish and won't know whether he's in the running or not. Still others say that he's a fish and can neither stand nor run - but he might swim for re-election.

If Fish is not a contender, that may leave the field open for perennial runner-up Alphonse. Whether he knows he's running or not he has very short legs so he can't run very fast, which might help to explain why he never wins.

Beatrix "Kiddo" Harper has run for President twice and dropped out both times. Rumour has it that she will run again and drop out again.

Former President Mickey Chang has stated categorically that he will not seek public office again because he is busy with several writing projects. However, that hasn't stopped the rumour mill from speculating that he will try for a second non-consecutive term. He did, after all, serve as Prime Minister on eight or nine non-consecutive occasions.

And as usual, speculation is rife that General Marie-Louise Castro-Stalina will be the next President. It is widely believed that she could win any election in which she allowed her name to stand, even though she has stated repeatedly that she has no interest in political office as long as the Army has a use for her.

In related news, General Castro-Stalina's name is also being bandied about as the successor to General Kono as head of the Council of Generals. That appointment would likely result in significant changes in the Army's direction, since General Kono is a staff officer and General Castro-Stalina is a field officer. Her newly-created Air-Mobile Command has already caused some stirring in the Army's air transport capabilities.

[Fatatatutti]

The Manned Spacecraft Center has revealed that there was another problem on the recent flight of Va'a One that might not only have ended the mission prematurely but might have been a danger to the crew. A fire alarm in the spacecraft was going off persistently despite the crew's best attempts to find a problem. During the live broadcasts from the spacecraft the alarm buzzer was disabled by pulling out the wires and the camera deliberately avoided showing the flashing red light, which could not be disabled.

The orbiter landed safely and technicians are testing all of the components with extra thoroughness. When asked whether the problem will delay the next flight of Va'a One, the Director of the Manned Spacecraft Center, Harlan Escrow, said that it's too soon to tell.

Mission Commander Alicia Thompson told reporters that she wasn't overly concerned about the situation. "I suppose it's no worse burning to a crisp in orbit than suffocating at the bottom of the ocean." Major Thompson was a Navy diver before joining the space program.

[Fatatatutti]

A lawsuit by Albert Fonzenfisch against the FatatatuTV network has been dismissed. The complaint alleged that Al Fonzenfisch Motors suffered financially due to illegal use of its name by the TV series Alphonse and Fish. The counterargument by the network was that the stars of the show ought to be able to use their own names. After several attempts to settle out of court failed, the judge ruled for the defendants. There is no word on whether or not Fonzenfisch intends to appeal.

In related news, insurance companies are busy assessing the results of Typhoon Alphonse which ravaged the south and west coasts of Fatatatutti last month. Some claim that the storm caused almost as much damage as the real Alphonse while others disagree, saying that the real Alphonse causes much more damage.

[Fatatatutti]

Questions were raised in Parliament today about the sporadic leopard sightings in the interior.

The Member from the Middle of Nowhere constituency asked if the Ministry of Education would fund an investigation of the areas in which most of the incidents occur. Prime Minister Schuyler Marmish, who is also Minister of Education, reminded the Member that there was such an expedition two years ago, funded by Fatatatutti University and led by General Marie-Louise Castro-Stalina, which failed to find any definitive evidence. The General has eighteen years experience in the bush with the Light Infantry and few people in Fatatatutti would be more capable of finding leopards if they were there.

The Member pointed out that the Biology Department of the University has acknowledged the fact that leopards are elusive predators and that it would be entirely possible for a population of them to exist in the remote parts of the island without being detected. The Prime Minister countered that if they are impossible to detect, there is little point in spending the taxpayers' money trying to detect them.

[Fatatatutti]

The Manned Spaceflight Center has announced that the latest test of Va'a Two's Remote Manipulator Arm was successful, which clears the main obstacle to the launch of Va'a Two and the first test of the arm in orbit.

The arm is intended to make rendezvous with satellites easier and possibly avoid the complications involved in the recent flight of Va'a One. During that mission a satellite began to wobble, making it dangerous to fire the retro-rockets until the wobble could be corrected. Attaching the satellite to the orbiter via the Remote Manipulator Arm would minimize such problems.

Meanwhile, technicians are still examining the Va'a One spacecraft for possible causes of another problem, a malfunctioning fire alarm. The Director of the Manned Spaceflight Center, Harlan Escrow, declined to speculate on whether the third flight of Va'a One would be delayed or whether it was still expected to go before the first flight of Va'a Two.

The final crew selection for Va'a Two has not yet been announced.

[Fatatatutti]

Health Minister Dr. Alessandra Nobile announced in Parliament today that her Ministry will contribute one billion USD to the Fatatatutti Relief Organization in conjunction with the upcoming peacekeeping initiatives in Africa and Asia. The money will be used to rebuild hospitals in the war-torn nations and to equip and staff them.

Education Minister Schuyler Marmish added that her Ministry will contribute a further one billion USD toward rebuilding schools and training teachers and medical professionals. Foreign Minister Carmen "Shimmy" Dijkstra also added that her Ministry will contribute another one billion USD for rebuilding infrastructure and homes.

The money will be administered by the civilian FRO which is already providing short-term medical aid via its hospital ships, the Dr. Lucille Teasdale-Corti and the Dr. Norman Bethune as well as dealing with short-term food aid and temporary housing.

The three billion USD is a fraction of one percent of Fatatatutti's annual budget.

[Fatatatutti]

Preparations are almost complete for the annual running of the Coast Road Endurance Race, Fatatatutti's premiere auto-racing event. Despite the name, the race doesn't actually take place on the Coast Road, which is dangerous enough already. Instead it is run on side roads and service roads that roughly parallel the Coast Road, for a distance of more than twelve thousand kilometers.

Theoretically the course could be run in five days but even without breakdowns it is expected to take more than twice that long. Teams typically consist of a driver and mechanic. They are required to stop at regular checkpoints but only the time between checkpoints is counted. More than a hundred entries have been registered but less than half are expected to finish.

Highlights of the race will be featured on FatatatuTV on a daily basis. Motorists are advised to avoid the race routes as much as possible.

[Fatatatutti]

Police are on the lookout for a missing tourist who may or may not have gone off the reservation deliberately.

He is described as about forty years old, medium height and medium build, with brown hair and brown eyes. He was last seen wearing a straw hat, sunglasses, Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts, Argyle socks and sandals and he was carrying nine Japanese cameras. He is not believed to be dangerous.

Anybody who has any information on this individual is asked to contact Fatatatutti Five-O as soon as possible. His relatives have an urgent message for him.