[PASSED] Commend Sionis Prioratus

[Quadrimmina]

This is my first SC proposal, so please go easy.

THIS WORLD ASSEMBLY,

RECOGNIZING the enormous service that Sionis Prioratus provided to the world as a member of the World Assembly.

HOPING to commemorate their accomplishments and achievements by providing them the highest honor the WA can.

DECLARING that Sionis Prioratus's tenure at the World Assembly has made the world a better place.

UNDERSTANDING that Sionis Prioratus's delegation provided just representation for the region "The Eastern Islands of Dharma" during the delegation's tenure as its regional delegate.

HEREBY commends Sionis Prioratus.

[Embolalia]

Good idea. SP deserves it. I support this.

[Quadrimmina]

We request further delegate support before we send this. We are not sure of the protocols of the Security Council, but this is the forefront of our national agenda and we will not rest until it is done.

[Adamalk]

is undicided

[Ardchoille]

You're not writing for a captive audience: some delegates never go near the forums where Sionis Prioratus is active. No need to go into every last detail -- you can do that in your first post -- but you need at least to say what service he provided, why it's significant, and so on.

Try the old newspaper mantra of 5Ws + H: Who, What, Where, When, Why and How.

[Quadrimmina]

You're not writing for a captive audience: some delegates never go near the forums where Sionis Prioratus is active. No need to go into every last detail -- you can do that in your first post -- but you need at least to say what service he provided, why it's significant, and so on.

Try the old newspaper mantra of 5Ws + H: Who, What, Where, When, Why and How.

Thank you. I will work on this and try to improve the language. We will not rest on this proposal.

[Unibot]

You're going to have to submit fast!

Might I suggest some of these 'edits', or else a full re-draft...

THE PEOPLES OF THE WORLD ASSEMBLED,

NOTING that the delegation of Sionis Prioratus worked tirelessly to pass resolutions in our hallowed halls to establish an inalienable access to pharmaceuticals for the benefit of sapientkind (GA#41) in addition to quality health services (GA#97) which no doubt improved the international quality of life by combating disease and illness all across the impoverished world,

FURTHER NOTING that the delegation of Sionis Prioratus also succeeded in resolving a lack of education in the most impoverished member-nations with a basic education program (GA#80) and the advancement of scientific education (GA#48),

REMEMBERING the international contributor of these ambitious projects as a courageous and venerable national federalist that was not afraid of providing assistance to those who needed it when those who claimed sovereignty over them did nothing to prevent their suffering,

ENDEAVORING not to commemorate Sionis Prioratus's international accomplishments as 'supererogatory' but instead to commemorate Sionis Prioratus for showing us how we can all make the world a better place if we make the effort to do so,

BUT NEVERTHELESS ACUTELY AWARE that this commendation is not only a means to communicate the warm gratitude from all those who have benefited from the social work of the Sionis Prioratus delegation, but that it also immortalizes a fearless and amiable spirit in our hallowed halls forever if the betterment of the world that they've ensured was not enough to indefinitely enrich the lives of the neglected,

CELEBRATING the enormous service that Sionis Prioratus provided to the world as a member nation of the World Assembly by authoring numerous resolutions that sought to provide social justice and a healthier, more educated and free world,

HEREBY COMMENDS Sionis Prioratus.

I don't regularly use "THE PEOPLES OF THE WORLD ASSEMBLED", "BUT NEVERTHELESS ACUTELY AWARE"^[1] or "sapientkind", but I can't think of a better way to commemorate his work.

Cookies to anyone who can figure out why I specifically shuffled the clauses around to end the preamble with the "CELEBRATING" preambalatory verb.

[Sanctaria]

We request further delegate support before we send this. We are not sure of the protocols of the Security Council, but this is the forefront of our national agenda and we will not rest until it is done.

It's got our support, both as a nation and as a Regional Delegate.

Yours.,

[Quelesh]

SP deserves it 100%. It's very fitting too. I'm behind it completely.

[Glen-Rhodes]

Cookies to anyone who can figure out why I specifically shuffled the clauses around to end the preamble with the "CELEBRATING" preambalatory verb.

Because Right to a Lawful Divorce started its preamble that way?

P.S. I demand mention as the #1 source of his inspiration in debates.

P.S.S. It's 'international federalist', not 'national federalist'.

[Ballotonia]

NOTING that the delegation of Sionis Prioratus worked tirelessly to pass resolutions in our hallowed halls to establish an inalienable access to pharmaceuticals for the benefit of sapientkind (GA#41) in addition to quality health services (GA#97) which no doubt improved the international quality of life by combating disease and illness all across the impoverished world,

FURTHER NOTING that the delegation of Sionis Prioratus also succeeded in resolving a lack of education in the most impoverished member-nations with a basic education program (GA#80) and the advancement of scientific education (GA#48),

Much more briefly stated: "authored four passed GA resolutions." By mentioning the topics you position the object of the commendation as leftist (healthcare and education), which might cost you the right-wing audience.

REMEMBERING the international contributor of these ambitious projects as a courageous and venerable national federalist that was not afraid of providing assistance to those who needed it when those who claimed sovereignty over them did nothing to prevent their suffering,

Uhm, ok? But what did Sionis Prioratus DO? How about something like "Sionis Prioratus provides assistance to other nations in ..." ? And then you can make clear what kind of assistance we're talking about. Encouraging words? An RP'd fleet of goods being shipped? Personal assistance in writing resolutions authored by others? The verbiage above doesn't make sense to me... something about sovereignty and suffering, so I tend to think it's some sort of RP-like assistance (and did that assistance go beyond typing "I'm hereby providing you assistance" ? Part of your audience knows nothing about RP, and I'm one of them...)

ENDEAVORING not to commemorate Sionis Prioratus's international accomplishments as 'supererogatory' but instead to commemorate Sionis Prioratus for showing us how we can all make the world a better place if we make the effort to do so,

I had to look up what 'supererogatory' means (part of your audience won't bother...) It sounds like a good thing, and you make a point of it to say that's NOT what Sionis Prioratus does. How about not mentioning that then?
As for the showing how to make the world a better place... Did Sionis Prioratus provide directions? Was it by exemplary behavior, if so which behavior are we talking about that is deemed worthy of a commendation? Please be more specific...

BUT NEVERTHELESS ACUTELY AWARE that this commendation is not only a means to communicate the warm gratitude from all those who have benefited from the social work of the Sionis Prioratus delegation, but that it also immortalizes a fearless and amiable spirit in our hallowed halls forever if the betterment of the world that they've ensured was not enough to indefinitely enrich the lives of the neglected,

Great prose, but I had to reread it several times to finally grasp what the "was not enough" clause means. One could rewrite this entire run-on sentence by using a structure like "if ... was not enough... then ..." This not only switches the order of the sentence, but by trying to phrase it in a logical manner it exposes its current lack of logic. This paragraph, I'm sorry to say, makes no logical sense. Note that while it all sounds nice and dandy, by not being clear you risk alienating the non-native English speakers in the audience who would like to comprehend what they're voting on.

CELEBRATING the enormous service that Sionis Prioratus provided to the world as a member nation of the World Assembly by authoring numerous resolutions that sought to provide social justice and a healthier, more educated and free world,

That's a repeat of the first two paragraphs.

Ballotonia

[Glen-Rhodes]

Much more briefly stated: "authored four passed GA resolutions." By mentioning the topics you position the object of the commendation as leftist (healthcare and education), which might cost you the right-wing audience.

I think I can speak for Sionis Prioratus that he wouldn't want to pander to 'the right-wing audience'. If anything, he'd want them to crawl away in disgust at all his liberalness.

[Topid]

Hmm, why was this proposal deleted?

[Omigodtheykilledkenny]

Eh. The Eternal Kawaii's version was funnier.

[Unibot]

Cookies to anyone who can figure out why I specifically shuffled the clauses around to end the preamble with the "CELEBRATING" preambalatory verb.

Because Right to a Lawful Divorce started its preamble that way?

P.S. I demand mention as the #1 source of his inspiration in debates.

P.S.S. It's 'international federalist', not 'national federalist'.

It's gone full circle, good catch, GR!

P.S You'll have to wait your turn for "Condemn Glen-Rhodes".

P.S.S It's been deleted for some reason, so I'll make sure that's fixed, thanks.

NOTING that the delegation of Sionis Prioratus worked tirelessly to pass resolutions in our hallowed halls to establish an inalienable access to pharmaceuticals for the benefit of sapientkind (GA#41) in addition to quality health services (GA#97) which no doubt improved the international quality of life by combating disease and illness all across the impoverished world,

FURTHER NOTING that the delegation of Sionis Prioratus also succeeded in resolving a lack of education in the most impoverished member-nations with a basic education program (GA#80) and the advancement of scientific education (GA#48),

Much more briefly stated: "authored four passed GA resolutions." By mentioning the topics you position the object of the commendation as leftist (healthcare and education), which might cost you the right-wing audience.

Trust me, if this commendation dies because these so-called 'right-wingers' are opposed to helping people who are suffering and in misery, Sionis would die a happy man for showing the world what ignorant bastards they are.

Partially what I'm trying to do is making sure that Sionis isn't getting commended for passing four resolutions, because any moron can pass four resolutions. It's not about quantity, and its not necessarily about quality either, because the definition of quality in the World Assembly is kind of ambiguous (it's typically used as a catch-all 'something this proposal is lacking' phrase if you don't know exactly what to complain about, but you don't support the proposal for some reason). Sionis had both quantity and quality, actually, being the WA's foremost resolution passer, next to maybe me (not sure, I'd have to count, we had a friendly competition going for a long time ) and is by far the General Assembly behemoth of adopted legislation. But quite a few authors have quality and quantity especially those from the NSUN days, it wouldn't be fair to commend Sionis and not commend them for the same reasons. But when I look back on Sionis' work, what sets him apart and places him with a much smaller group of venerable authors is that his resolutions really would genuinely help people.

Maybe other GAers have some thoughts on this matter, but I thought that was the fair way to go about it.

REMEMBERING the international contributor of these ambitious projects as a courageous and venerable national federalist that was not afraid of providing assistance to those who needed it when those who claimed sovereignty over them did nothing to prevent their suffering,

Uhm, ok? But what did Sionis Prioratus DO? How about something like "Sionis Prioratus provides assistance to other nations in ..." ? And then you can make clear what kind of assistance we're talking about. Encouraging words? An RP'd fleet of goods being shipped? Personal assistance in writing resolutions authored by others? The verbiage above doesn't make sense to me... something about sovereignty and suffering, so I tend to think it's some sort of RP-like assistance (and did that assistance go beyond typing "I'm hereby providing you assistance" ? Part of your audience knows nothing about RP, and I'm one of them...)

You're forgetting that he was an author not a roleplayer, he provided assistance by passing the resolutions, not specifically shipping goods himself.

ENDEAVORING not to commemorate Sionis Prioratus's international accomplishments as 'supererogatory' but instead to commemorate Sionis Prioratus for showing us how we can all make the world a better place if we make the effort to do so,

I had to look up what 'supererogatory' means (part of your audience won't bother...) It sounds like a good thing, and you make a point of it to say that's NOT what Sionis Prioratus does. How about not mentioning that then?
As for the showing how to make the world a better place... Did Sionis Prioratus provide directions? Was it by exemplary behavior, if so which behavior are we talking about that is deemed worthy of a commendation? Please be more specific...

He provided 'directions' by showing the world by example. What he did was already mentioned in the resolution, Ballo.

BUT NEVERTHELESS ACUTELY AWARE that this commendation is not only a means to communicate the warm gratitude from all those who have benefited from the social work of the Sionis Prioratus delegation, but that it also immortalizes a fearless and amiable spirit in our hallowed halls forever if the betterment of the world that they've ensured was not enough to indefinitely enrich the lives of the neglected,

Great prose, but I had to reread it several times to finally grasp what the "was not enough" clause means. One could rewrite this entire run-on sentence by using a structure like "if ... was not enough... then ..." This not only switches the order of the sentence, but by trying to phrase it in a logical manner it exposes its current lack of logic. This paragraph, I'm sorry to say, makes no logical sense. Note that while it all sounds nice and dandy, by not being clear you risk alienating the non-native English speakers in the audience who would like to comprehend what they're voting on.

I'll switch it around, I really wasn't happy with it when I wrote it.

How'll about this...

BUT NEVERTHELESS ACUTELY AWARE that if the betterment of the world that they've ensured was not enough to indefinitely enrich the lives of the neglected, this commendation immortalizes a fearless and amiable spirit in our hallowed halls forever via the inspiration it will ensue to the next generation of General Assembly authors,

CELEBRATING the enormous service that Sionis Prioratus provided to the world as a member nation of the World Assembly by authoring numerous resolutions that sought to provide social justice and a healthier, more educated and free world,

That's a repeat of the first two paragraphs.

It's a summary clause. I suppose I could partially gut it and use the scratched line from the above...

CELEBRATING the enormous service that Sionis Prioratus provided to the world as a means to communicate the warm gratitude from all those who have benefited from the social work of the Sionis Prioratus delegation,

[Unibot]

Eh. The Eternal Kawaii's version was funnier.

I've already condemned one of my heroes in the GA, if I do it again, I might scare my other heroes away.

[Unibot]

New Draft...

THE PEOPLES OF THE WORLD ASSEMBLED,

NOTING that the delegation of Sionis Prioratus worked tirelessly to pass resolutions in our hallowed halls to establish an inalienable access to pharmaceuticals for the benefit of sapientkind (GA#41) in addition to quality health services (GA#97) which no doubt improved the international quality of life by combating disease and illness all across the impoverished world,

FURTHER NOTING that the delegation of Sionis Prioratus also succeeded in resolving a lack of education in the most impoverished member-nations with a basic education program (GA#80) and the advancement of scientific education (GA#48),

REMEMBERING the international contributor of these ambitious projects as a courageous and venerable international federalist that was not afraid of providing assistance to those who needed it when those who claimed sovereignty over them did nothing to prevent their suffering,

ENDEAVORING not to commemorate Sionis Prioratus's international accomplishments as 'supererogatory' but instead to commemorate Sionis Prioratus for showing us how we can all make the world a better place if we make the effort to do so,

BUT NEVERTHELESS ACUTELY AWARE that if the betterment of the world that the delegation has ensured was not enough to indefinitely enrich the lives of the neglected, this commendation immortalizes a fearless and amiable spirit in our hallowed halls forever via the inspiration it will ensue to the next generation of General Assembly authors,

CELEBRATING the enormous service that Sionis Prioratus provided to the world as a means to communicate the warm gratitude from all those who have benefited from the social work of the Sionis Prioratus delegation,

HEREBY COMMENDS Sionis Prioratus.

Co-authored by Unibot

[Topid]

So... Do we know why it was deleted?

[Ardchoille]

Are you talking about this?

[Kosmanium]

SP deserves it 100%. It's very fitting too. I'm behind it completely.

As am I

[Ainocra]

I fully support this

[Dottiestan]

Doesn't the Security Council have better things to do?

Does this REALLY belong in the Security Council?

[Quadrimmina]

Doesn't the Security Council have better things to do?

Does this REALLY belong in the Security Council?

Isn't this the POINT of the Security Council?

[Unibot]

Um... what happened to the proposal, Quad? It had like two days left to voting, and was well on its way to attaining quorum when I left for work... granted, I didn't started till a day later than I usually would 'cause I thought you had, but still, this should have been in the queue by any reasonable estimate. Did you ask to remove it?

EDIT: Oh, that happened.

[Dottiestan]

Doesn't the Security Council have better things to do?

Does this REALLY belong in the Security Council?

Isn't this the POINT of the Security Council?

No. If people want to pat each other on the back, it should be done in the General Assembly.