Yes! They said it would never happen, but it's finally here: the XVI Game Mod Olympics! For those not born during the previous Games, this is where Game Moderators step from the shadows to compete in a range of events that test their strength, endurance, and mental sanity.
Two years ago, at the previous Mod Olmpics, Frisbeteeria performance-enhanced his way to victory over stiff competition from Kryozerkia, Katganistan, and Sedgistan. It's taken us all some time to recover from the sight of Fris parading his naked, oiled body around the stadium, flexing and posing. Some of us may never fully recover. But mods haven't merely spent the last two years undergoing intensive counseling and eyeball-scrubbing: They've also been training hard! In fact, rumor has it that they're determined to push the envelope like never before.
And here they come! The audience rise to their feet as the stadium speakers announce fan favorite Kryozerkia! Last time we saw her, she had unfurled a pair of surgically-grafted wings. This time, she's preceded by what appears to be a tribe of bowing, scraping worshipers! And behind them... it's Kryo! And she... she has the head of an actual bird! She appears to have ascended to become some kind of hybrid bird-human deity! Her worshipers scatter seed for her and she swoops down and begins pecking! What an entrance!
And now it's Katganistan! Last Games she transformed into a being of pure light, so surely this envelope can't be pushed any further. But where is she? The audience shift impatiently in their seats. I'm just getting word... oh! I'm informed that Katganistan has become a concept! That's right, she will be competing in these Games as a series of theoretical constructs! It's a hard one to wrap your mind around, and tough for her competitors to beat, too! What a strategy! She has taken it to the next level after all!
Now comes Frisbeeteria! You may recall a minor scandal when official drug testers tried to ban him after a blood test revealed that 80% of his body was liquid steroids and testosterone. I believe the recovery team has almost finished bringing their remains down from orbit. But good ol' "Roid Rage" is back and fighting fit! Just look at him punching the air in excitement! Actually, no, that's pure anger! He needs to be hitting something at all times! Don't do drugs, kids!
And speaking of old-timers, that creaking noise can only be Reploid's Productions joints! Actually, no, wait, it's the squeaking wheel of a hospital trolley. And here she is! Fully encased in liquid nitrogen, Reploid Productions's life support system is constructed from diamond-wafer and titanium to keep 98% of her body in suspended animation at any time! It's a real honor for us to be granted these precious moments of the scant days of lucidity she has left. And I tell you what, for a withered white corpse-thing animated by banned science, she's looking terrific!
A hush falls over the stadium as the speakers announce the impending arrival of Sedgistan. What a history this guy has. From plucky upstart to global sensation to arrogant diva to sweaty embarrassment, he's really had the journey. But the talk has been that he's spent the last two years knuckling down, focused on redemption. And here he comes! Whoa! He's huge! Can this be right? He's so... fleshy! And what... what is that... there are little limbs waving from Sedgistan's body! It's as if there are people trapped in there! Oh! Sedgistan has absorbed the bodies of Issues Editors into his own form to help him compete! I knew he was building that team for something!
And here comes the new kids on the block, Mousebumples and Luna Amore! D'awww, Mousebumples is scampering over to the kids and letting them pat her! She's so cute. Some say she's a real medal threat here, if she can avoid being stepped on, which the bookies are calling "inevitable." And Luna's so happy to be here, he's beaming! I mean that literally! He's shooting moon-beams from his face! Spot fires are erupting throughout the stands wherever they touch!
But there's no time for evacuation: here come the others! Dread Lady Nathicana arrives in her M1 Abrams battle tank, which looks seriously beefed up. Scolopendra is announced but scuttles in so fast nobody can actually see him and there's some question as to whether he's here at all. There's Farnhamia! Mallorea and Riva! Crazy Girl! NERVUN! The Blaatschapen! Euroslavia! Transnapastain! The Archregimancy! Ballotonia, who keeps being told he's not eligible, but does he care? Yes, he does! He will cut you for saying that! Ardchoille! Tsaraine! Cogitation! Flibbleites! Lunatic Goofballs! Jenrak! You really forget just how many of them there are until they line up in a relentless, mind-numbing stream!
This year the Games kick off with the headline GHR events, in which moderators attempt to deliver worms into the gaping beaks of hordes of screaming baby birds. Variously compared to Sisyphus' torment, drinking the Atlantic Ocean with a straw, and attempting to swallow your own tongue, this is what the crowd has come to see!
--- Help Requests Processed ---
13,086: Katganistan
12,389: Kryozerkia
6,412 : Reploid Productions
4,770 : Frisbeeteria
3,681 : Dread Lady Nathicana
3,487 : Luna Amore
3,007 : Sedgistan
1,789 : Scolopendra
1,312 : NERVUN
1,249 : Mousebumples
1,210 : Crazy girl
792 : Mallorea And Riva
597 : [violet]
368 : Euroslavia
341 : Farnhamia
277 : The Blaatschapen
111 : Ardchoille
104 : Transnapastain
--- Help Requests Resolved ---
9,337 : Katganistan
8,593 : Kryozerkia
3,007 : Frisbeeteria
2,628 : Reploid Productions
2,298 : Dread Lady Nathicana
1,952 : Luna Amore
1,319 : Sedgistan
1,233 : Scolopendra
819 : NERVUN
770 : Mousebumples
494 : Crazy girl
360 : Mallorea And Riva
257 : Euroslavia
254 : [violet]
140 : The Blaatschapen
Kryozerkia flies out of the blocks and begins distributing worms! I mean literally flies! She's really in her element! Meanwhile Frisbeeteria is force-feeding those baby birds whether they want it or not. And look at Reploid Productions! Her piercing gaze from beyond the grave draws the birds to her! So clever!
But what's this? Katganistan has transformed into the concept of all life being inextricably bound, thus making her birds and worms one and the same! Is that quite fair? I don't know, but in theory she's won!
The leaderboard:
Katganistan: 2 gold
Kryozerkia: 2 silver
Reploid Productions: 1 bronze
Frisbeeteria: 1 bronze
A great showing by the newer mods, too! A couple of times Mousebumples almost went under Fris's heel or Nathi's treads, but she's racing around out there!
On to the Watchful Eyes events. These are a lot like discus and javelin, if some of the discuses and javelins were shape-shifting horrors from an alternate dimension that would devour everything around them if given the chance.
--- Watchlist Updates ---
1,862 : Sedgistan
1,197 : Frisbeeteria
807 : Reploid Productions
491 : Scolopendra
364 : Katganistan
356 : Dread Lady Nathicana
275 : Luna Amore
255 : Kryozerkia
136 : Tsaraine
74 : Mousebumples
64 : Euroslavia
47 : NERVUN
32 : Mallorea And Riva
31 : The Archregimancy
17 : Ardchoille
17 : Transnapastain
--- Warnings Issued ---
8,124 : Kryozerkia
6,056 : Katganistan
5,600 : Reploid Productions
4,898 : Dread Lady Nathicana
4,547 : Frisbeeteria
2,829 : Sedgistan
2,758 : Scolopendra
2,606 : Mousebumples
2,042 : Luna Amore
1,193 : Farnhamia
1,140 : Ballotonia
959 : NERVUN
908 : Crazy girl
882 : The Blaatschapen
669 : Mallorea And Riva
650 : Euroslavia
198 : Tsaraine
181 : The Archregimancy
170 : Ardchoille
126 : Transnapastain
117 : [violet]
109 : Flibbleites
Sedgistan's many limbs come in handy here, as his waving hands scoop up hell-javelins. And Reploid's icy fingers grasp two more bronzes! But Kryo swoops on a gold, and Katganistan theoretically deserves a silver! It's so even! This is anyone's Games!
Katganistan: 2 gold, 1 silver
Kryozerkia: 1 gold, 2 silver
Sedgistan: 1 gold
Frisbeeteria: 1 silver, 1 bronze
Reploid Productions: 3 bronze
Now it's now time for some less family-friendly events. Just a warning folks, there will be some dismemberment, so wear your goggles! And please fit your children's goggles before doing your own.
--- Nations Deleted ---
4,500 : Reploid Productions
3,834 : Dread Lady Nathicana
3,114 : Katganistan
2,706 : Frisbeeteria
2,677 : Sedgistan
2,546 : Kryozerkia
1,903 : Luna Amore
1,696 : Scolopendra
1,287 : Mallorea And Riva
1,108 : Mousebumples
723 : Farnhamia
663 : The Blaatschapen
472 : Crazy girl
394 : NERVUN
390 : Ballotonia
373 : Euroslavia
169 : Tsaraine
144 : The Archregimancy
74 : Transnapastain
35 : [violet]
24 : Lunatic Goofballs
22 : Ardchoille
--- Nation Edits ---
3,692 : Mousebumples
3,524 : Dread Lady Nathicana
2,396 : Frisbeeteria
1,979 : Reploid Productions
1,890 : Farnhamia
1,515 : Kryozerkia
1,204 : Katganistan
806 : Luna Amore
659 : The Blaatschapen
374 : Euroslavia
336 : Sedgistan
308 : Crazy girl
233 : Mallorea And Riva
166 : NERVUN
133 : [violet]
132 : Scolopendra
49 : Ballotonia
36 : Tsaraine
26 : Transnapastain
11 : Ardchoille
--- Region Edits ---
542 : Sedgistan
131 : Luna Amore
81 : Mousebumples
74 : Crazy girl
61 : Scolopendra
54 : Reploid Productions
26 : Katganistan
23 : Frisbeeteria
17 : Kryozerkia
16 : The Blaatschapen
14 : Ballotonia
10 : Dread Lady Nathicana
--- RMB Deletions ---
565 : Kryozerkia
164 : Luna Amore
110 : Frisbeeteria
86 : Reploid Productions
38 : Ballotonia
37 : Testlandia
36 : Sedgistan
28 : Mallorea And Riva
15 : NERVUN
10 : Mousebumples
10 : Dread Lady Nathicana
No-one's more comfortable around the icy shadow of death than Reppy, and she takes out gold in the Nation Deletions! And Nathi is happily blasting away... but wait, the officials are challenging her, saying that her tank is illegal equipment, and she needs to get out of it! But she's refusing! Oh! I see the problem! She's become a cybernetic fusion of biology and firepower! Nathi is the tank! That official should really stop arguing with her! His prattling is causing her missile launchers to dilate! If he's not careful she's going to-- oh! Yes! Let's consider that argument resolved!
Kryozerkia: 2 gold, 2 silver
Katganistan: 2 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze
Sedgistan: 2 gold
Reploid Productions: 1 gold, 3 bronze
Mousebumples: 1 gold, 1 bronze
Frisbeeteria: 1 silver, 3 bronze
Luna Amore: 2 silver
Dread Lady Nathicana: 2 silver
Now for the Voice of Mods, where moderators attempt to communicate with lifeless objects. It's not great TV, but it's tradition!
--- VoM Telegrams Sent ---
7,455 : Katganistan
6,417 : Kryozerkia
3,151 : Frisbeeteria
2,423 : Reploid Productions
1,745 : Dread Lady Nathicana
1,388 : Sedgistan
1,211 : Luna Amore
1,075 : Mousebumples
858 : NERVUN
695 : Scolopendra
483 : Crazy girl
425 : Farnhamia
342 : Mallorea And Riva
340 : Euroslavia
247 : [violet]
224 : The Blaatschapen
148 : Ardchoille
--- RMB Posts ---
633 : Reploid Productions
204 : Katganistan
112 : Dread Lady Nathicana
87 : Frisbeeteria
33 : Luna Amore
33 : Sedgistan
30 : Kryozerkia
15 : Mousebumples
The usual suspects dominate again, with Katganistan theoretically the best! Let's check the leaderboard!
Katganistan: 3 gold, 2 silver, 1 bronze
Kryozerkia: 2 gold, 3 silver
Reploid Productions: 2 gold, 3 bronze
Sedgistan: 2 gold
Mousebumples: 1 gold, 1 bronze
Dread Lady Nathicana: 2 silver, 1 bronze
Frisbeeteria: 1 silver, 4 bronze
Luna Amore: 2 silver
But wait, where is Nathi going? She's off-course! Officials are trying to tell her to turn around but she's not one to take direction from underlings! She's going to crash right through the stadium wall! Watch out, children! Watch out for the--! Oh that's a shame. But there she goes! Trundling off into the distance! I don't think she's going to turn around! Farewell, Nathi! Farewell!
On to the World Assembly events!
--- World Assembly Cheat Checks ---
6,470 : Mousebumples
5,648 : Kryozerkia
3,956 : Reploid Productions
2,477 : Frisbeeteria
881 : Katganistan
611 : Sedgistan
309 : Scolopendra
85 : Dread Lady Nathicana
32 : [violet]
30 : Mallorea And Riva
27 : Crazy girl
19 : NERVUN
16 : Luna Amore
14 : Cogitation
--- World Assembly Warnings Issued ---
4,420 : Kryozerkia
3,852 : Mousebumples
2,870 : Frisbeeteria
1,933 : Reploid Productions
240 : Katganistan
120 : Sedgistan
100 : Mallorea And Riva
57 : Dread Lady Nathicana
37 : Luna Amore
18 : Scolopendra
--- World Assembly Ejections ---
1,740 : Kryozerkia
1,013 : Frisbeeteria
900 : Mousebumples
647 : Reploid Productions
210 : Sedgistan
146 : Katganistan
68 : Luna Amore
47 : Mallorea And Riva
31 : Scolopendra
17 : Dread Lady Nathicana
12 : NERVUN
11 : Crazy girl
And on the legislative side:
--- World Assembly Proposals Removed ---
1,683 : Kryozerkia
282 : Sedgistan
251 : Crazy girl
112 : Flibbleites
88 : NERVUN
86 : Ardchoille
64 : Frisbeeteria
43 : Luna Amore
28 : Mallorea And Riva
24 : Katganistan
13 : Mousebumples
11 : Reploid Productions
10 : Euroslavia
Kryo swoops on three golds, pipped for the last one by Mouse! It really is amazing that Mousebumples hasn't been eaten or flattened by now. Look at her sitting up on her hind legs, smiling around. She has no idea how close she is to death. They call the Game Mod Olympics a "sickening charnel house of self-indulgent depravity," but who can't smile at this good news story?
Kryozerkia: 5 gold, 4 silver
Katganistan: 3 gold, 2 silver, 1 bronze
Sedgistan: 2 gold, 1 silver
Mousebumples: 2 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze
Reploid Productions: 2 gold, 4 bronze
Frisbeeteria: 2 silver, 5 bronze
Dread Lady Nathicana: 2 silver, 1 bronze
Luna Amore: 2 silver
Crazy Girl: 1 bronze
The mods settle down to some vital school work:
--- School Class Registrations ---
43 : Kryozerkia
37 : Katganistan
36 : Frisbeeteria
10 : Dread Lady Nathicana
6 : Mousebumples
And Sedgistan puffs himself up for his favorite event, the Issues!
--- Issues Promoted/Modified ---
353 : Sedgistan
297 : Luna Amore
265 : Sanctaria
31 : [violet]
24 : Lenyo
16 : Gnejs
6 : Kindly Professor Hell
3 : Ballotonia
What's this? Sedgistan's body has split into its constituent parts! He's got little Issue Editors running around everywhere! Officials confer, divided (not literally) on how to award this. Sedge argues that he should get the gold, silver, and bronze! I don't think so, Sedge! They're awarding a special bronze for non-mod Sedge-derivative Sanctaria!
That leads us into the final event! Can Kryozerkia hang on? She looks very focused... on the tasty treat of Mousebumples. Don't do it, Kryo! Think of your gold medals, and our PG-13 rating!
--- All Moderator Actions ---
89,372: Kryozerkia
86,653: Reploid Productions
80,681: Katganistan
59,007: Frisbeeteria
48,443: Mousebumples
47,657: Dread Lady Nathicana
41,454: Sedgistan
29,534: Luna Amore
21,303: Scolopendra
12,164: Farnhamia
9,090 : Mallorea And Riva
8,796 : Crazy girl
8,587 : NERVUN
5,649 : The Blaatschapen
4,873 : Euroslavia
3,159 : [violet]
2,768 : Ballotonia
1,728 : Transnapastain
1,587 : The Archregimancy
1,366 : Ardchoille
1,338 : Tsaraine
1,297 : Cogitation
438 : Flibbleites
216 : Lunatic Goofballs
90 : SalusaSecondus
29 : Eluvatar
22 : The Most Glorious Hack
10 : Jenrak
10 : Pythagosaurus
Kryo soars to victory! What a performance! And she's hugging Mousebumples! And not in a predator-prey way! This is genuine affection! It's bird and mouse co-existing together! What a day!
FINAL MEDAL TALLY
Kryozerkia: 7 gold, 4 silver
Katganistan: 3 gold, 3 silver, 2 bronze
Sedgistan: 3 gold, 1 silver
Reploid Productions: 2 gold, 1 silver, 4 bronze
Mousebumples: 2 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze
Luna Amore: 3 silver
Frisbeeteria: 2 silver, 6 bronze
Dread Lady Nathicana: 2 silver, 1 bronze
Crazy Girl: 1 bronze
Sanctaria: Commemorative bronze
Congratulations to all our moderators, who have cranked out a total of 567,321 actions since May 2014, at a rate of 750 per day. They do this voluntarily, purely out of a love of crushing their enemies' spirits, and without them, there would be no-one to keep the world safe from vicious hell-javelins.
Please join me in thanking all our moderators today!
The newest Olympics have occurred? Praise be to Violet, o omnipotent one! 
for all the Mods!
