Narodna Vesti: The National News of Mouchova: Current Events

[Mouchova]

Thursday, October 10th, 2013
Mouchova

PRESIDENT COMMITS TO PEACEKEEPING ACTION IN MAXTOPIA

Madame President Marijana Dragovic
after her press conference in Novisad

NOVISAD – Madame President Marijana Dragovic announced her commitment this afternoon to support the people of the neighboring country of Maxtopia, whose government was recently overthrown in a sudden coup by a mercenary organization.

“This is just as much a tragedy for all Mouchovins as it is for the Maxtopians,” Dragovic stated at a press conference earlier in the day. “Not only are the citizens of a peaceful nation being oppressed by an unlawful regime, but the leaders of that regime happen to be Mouchovan private military contractors and retired Mouchovan military officers who work for the Tepes Grupa. To hear rumors that the Tepes Grupa may restore civil rights to the Maxtopians and may allow for elections should not reflect poorly upon the values we Mouchovins hold dear.”

NV reporters have confirmed that Maxtopia’s government was driven from the country by an elite group of soldiers working for the Tepes Grupa, a successful private military contractor with its corporate headquarters in Sevica Province. The Tepes Grupa is managed by CEO Anton Niveski, a retired VS Brigadier General who was an ally of General Zoran Dragovic during the Civil War only a few years ago. The Tepes Grupa has since recruited many elite Special Forces commandos from Mouchova’s armed forces, and it is these men who staged the coup in Maxtopia and drove that country’s government officials from the capitol city of Maxbaristan.

President Dragovic, however, did not seem to hesitate knowing of the Tepes Grupa’s association with Mouchova and the government she represents.

“Contrary to any beliefs of the Tepes Grupa or Mr. Niveski, they are still in fact citizens of Mouchova,” Dragovic stated. “That means they are still subject to our laws no matter where in the world they may commit unlawful or criminal acts. Their status as private military contractors, mercenaries, or any other title they may call themselves by protects them from nothing. To this end, I am approving a delegation of military advisors and armed peacekeepers to be deployed to Maxtopia to work with the Tepes Grupa in transitioning the government back into the proper hands in a lawful manner.”

President Dragovic declined any details of the pending peacekeeping mission in Maxtopia due to the necessity of maintaining operational security. NV reporters will continue following this developing story as more information is obtained.

Representatives from the Tepes Grupa have not released a public statement as of the date of this publishing.

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Prime Minister Intervenes on Behalf of Tourists

PM Dražen Radic

NOVISAD – Prime Minister Dražen Radic spoke to the National Assembly today, announcing his intentions to seek sanctions against the new regime in Maxtopia that has arrested several Mouchovin tourists for drug possession. In addition to the proposed peacekeeping action Madame President Dragovic is pushing for in Maxtopia, Radic is concerned about the harsh laws under Maxtopia’s new regime that calls for the death penalty for drug-related crimes.

“Although possession of narcotics in Mouchova is also a crime, the criminal penalties for similar crimes in Maxtopia are far too excessive,” Radic said. “Our federal investigators have learned that our citizens are being denied access to attorneys and will face trial soon, and no fair and lawful trial can come from that as we have no legitimate means of establishing the innocence or guilt of their alleged actions. With that being the case, it is my assumption at this time that our citizens are innocent of the charges being made against them." Radic declined to provide the names of the accused Mouchovin citizens due to the fact that not all of their families have been notified.

"We will demand a fair investigation of the evidence, and work to ensure a fair trial with representation in their courts. Ideally we'll secure their release into our custody for a fair and just trial in Mouchova if the evidence warrants one," Radic said. "In the meantime, we will enforce sanctions against the unlawful regime in Maxtopia until a mutually beneficial conclusion is established.”

The pending peacekeeping action in Maxtopia may interfere with Radic's intentions, but he was confident that the Mouchovan suspects facing a death penalty in Maxtopia would be released very soon.

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Prime Minister Staunches Violetists

PM Dražen Radic

NOVISAD – After hearing reports of a radical group of protesters calling for human sacrifices in Mouchova, Prime Minister Dražen Radic announced an emergency conference with State and Provincial law-enforcement officials.

The radical protesters belong to a group calling themselves the Order of Violetists, a self-proclaimed religious cult that believes their deity, a “bloodthirsty goddess” named Violet, demands the blood of human beings to be sacrificed on her altars. One of the Violetists priests, Yuri Pucek, stated that it wasn’t as bad as it sounded.

“We’re not like the Aztecs who slaughtered thousands at a time on their blood soaked pyramids to some ridiculous sun god with a name no one can pronounce,” Pucek said. “We’re only asking for a few homeless people here and there, a worthless criminal now and then. You know, the people society doesn’t want around anyway. You already spit on them, so why not offer their blood to Violet and receive her blessings? It’s a win-win for all, really.”

“We encourage religious freedoms in Mouchova, but freedom of religion does not equal freedom from consequences,” Radic said. “Mr. Pucek's statement meets our legal criteria for a wide-scale terroristic threat, which we take as seriously as his intentions clearly are. Effective immediately, we have enough evidence to conclude that the Order of Violetists is involved in a criminal and terrorist conspiracy to kidnap and murder Mouchovins. They are now officially classified by law-enforcement agencies and this government as a criminal and terrorist organization. I encourage anyone to disagree with me, but just keep in mind that I don’t need to wait for these Violetists to succeed before taking action.”

State and Provincial Police units are already mobilizing throughout the nation to begin questioning known and suspected Violetists. Citizens are being called upon to report any information regarding the activities of Violetists and suspects to local municipal or provincial authorities.

“If you see something, say something,” Radic said. “We have the highly effective Nadzora public surveillance system working twenty-four hours a day to watch for Violetist activity in our cities, and our police are second to none. With local neighborhood watches and vigilant citizens, I trust that these Violetists will be quite disappointed with their decision to bring their murderous scheme into Mouchova.”

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[Mouchova]

Sunday, October 13th, 2013

OPERATION: ENDURING DEMOCRACY BEGINS

Mouchovan Peacekeepers in preparation
for their deployment to Maxtopia

NOVISAD – The National Assembly announced it’s approval to send a peacekeeping mission to Maxtopia today in support of Madame President Dragovic’s proposal several days ago. Defense Minister Karolina Ranko Żuraw also attended a press conference for national and international reporters later in the afternoon. The peacekeeping mission known as Operation: Enduring Democracy consists of a delegation of military and government advisors, as well as KPS Marines and VS Infantry soldiers.

The peacekeeping mission was organized in response to a Mouchovan private military contractor known as the Tepes Grupa forcibly seizing control of the government of Maxtopia in a swift military coup. Although the Tepes Grupa initially delayed an immediate response, representatives of that private military corporation have since stepped forward to openly condemn the actions of CEO Anton Niveski, a retired VS General who led the coup in Maxtopia and has since established a new regime. The Tepes Grupa Board of Directors is cooperating fully with Mouchovan officials and has summarily fired Mr. Niveski and all the TG personnel working with him in Maxtopia.

“We’re appalled at the actions of Anton Niveski and regret any harm and loss of life that may have occurred due to his actions,” said Anja Matoušek, an attorney for the Tepes Grupa. “The Tepes Grupa never accepted any contracts from third parties to stage a coup in Maxtopia, and we condemn the use of our resources and personnel by Anton Niveski for that unlawful purpose. The Board of Directors has just appointed Mrs. Melanija Havelka as the new CEO of the Tepes Grupa, and we expect her to assist to the extent legally necessary to restore the government of Maxtopia to its rightful authorities.”

A division of peacekeeping soldiers have since been ordered to deploy to Maxtopia and are expected to cross the borders of the nation within the next forty-eight hours. Although they are prepared for the worst, the National Assembly has mandated that their role in Maxtopia is to assist the unlawful regime established by the Tepes Grupa transition back into the lawful and proper authority of the deposed Maxtopian government. They will also assist in maintaining civil order and unrest in Maxtopia while the transition is in progress. Minister of Defense, Mrs. Karolina Ranko Żuraw, stressed that although military personnel are vital to the success of the peacekeeping mission in Maxtopia, Operation: Enduring Democracy was not to be perceived nor is it being led as a wartime operation.

Defense Minister Mrs. Karolina Żuraw
after leaving the National Assembly

“Operation: Enduring Democracy or OED was organized for the purpose of maintaining civil order and assisting in the transition of a foreign government from one regime to another,” Żuraw said. “OED is not expected to be a long-term occupation of Maxtopia, nor will we need to maintain peacekeepers in Maxtopia once a lawful government has been returned to the people of that nation.”

A timetable for the duration of Operation: Enduring Democracy was requested, but no conclusive answer could be provided at this time due to the delicate nature of the operation itself. “We can’t offer a timetable, as we can’t predict every possible outcome, nor can we simply force a deadline and expect a reasonable conclusion,” Żuraw said. “The Tepes Grupa is one of our own, and we know what the capabilities are that Anton Niveski has at his disposal. We expect his immediate cooperation and wise decision to surrender without incident.”

When asked if the Tepes Grupa would also be involved with any aspect of Operation: Enduring Democracy, Żuraw declined to respond due to the necessity of maintaining operation security for the peacekeeping mission.

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Mouchovan Internet, Telecommunications Networks Protected by Artificial Intelligence

Tsaritsa: Is an artificial intelligence
a wise decision to secure our networks?

NOVISAD – Mouchovan information technology giant Sakarov Systems announced this week that they accepted a contract from the federal government to implement a new antivirus program to protect the nation’s growing Internet, telecommunications, satellite, and computer networking infrastructure. The powerful new program, known as Tsaritsa, is an artificially intelligent or A.I. program that learns as it goes, allowing it to quickly respond to antivirus attacks and hacking efforts made across the networks it monitors.

“Tsaritsa is a wonderful program,” said Ivanna Sakarov, the CEO of Sakarov Systems. “The antivirus program has demonstrated time and again that she can actually learn and adapt as she goes, and she becomes more intelligent and responsive as we expose her to more viruses. The user interface allows network and systems administrators to have interactive conversations with Tsaritsa just as if she was a real person. This makes it easier to troubleshoot network solutions and provide a more secure service for anyone using our networks.”

Critics of the A.I. program believe that Tsaritsa’s capabilities are a hoax or are being exaggerated. Civil rights activists suspect that what may be purported as an antivirus program is really a sophisticated form of trackware the government will use to intercept and spy on anyone using the information and telecommunication networks in Mouchova.

“The program is continuing to be tested and upgraded by our systems engineers, but Tsaritsa is not being tested or developed for internetwork tracking," Sakarov said in response to her critics. "Tsaritsa is designed to aggressively monitor, seek out, and quarantine computer viruses in any system she's linked into automatically. This allows networks to be protected and secured more efficiently as viruses are identified and stopped as soon as they touch the network."

"In time we see Tsaritsa being able to field customer service calls directly from our clients," Sakarov added. "When you have a connectivity problem or virus in your home or business network you could Tsaritsa as if she was a call center, allowing you to speak directly with her in whatever language you need. It’s very promising for solutions delivery and customer satisfaction.”

Sakarov Systems is the leading information technology service provider in Mouchova. Their Insight operating system is used for personal, business, and defense applications, while their Daedalus network of switches and routers provides millions of customers with Internet and cable connectivity. The Omni search engine developed by Sakarov Systems is used by most Mouchovins and millions of customers worldwide, generating over a billion search engine hits per day. Sakarov’s satellite systems also provide one of the most efficient telecommunications systems in the world.

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[Mouchova]

Wednesday, October 16th, 2013

Defense Minister Karolina Ranko Żuraw
at a meeting today with civil rights activists

NOVISAD - Civil rights activists received a snub on the chin today after Defense Minister Karolina Żuraw took a hands-off approach to a decision on whether to allow homosexuals to openly engage in their relationships while in their respective branches of service.

"The armed forces of Mouchova are already governed by the Articles for Military Discipline and Justice, or CVDP (Clanovima za Vojnu Disciplinu i Pravosude)," Żuraw said. "The CVDP already addresses the issues of sexuality and sexual conduct among servicemembers, as well as discriminatory and criminal actions committed by all servicemembers." Under the articles of the CVDP all military personnel are expected to maintain moral discipline at all times. The issue of their sexual orientation is never addressed.

"She's missing the point," said civil rights activist Agata Bartos, an active duty VS Captain who is openly involved in a lesbian relationship. "We want full recognition as members of the military without fear of reprisal or career-ending court martial proceedings for being homosexuals."

"That's where she's wrong and she should know better," Żuraw said in response to Bartos. "There are compulsory military service laws in Mouchova. That means you're serving in the military regardless of your religion, sexual orientation, race, or whatever. So we already know that homosexuals serve in the military. Due to this, homosexuals are never disciplined or persecuted in Mouchova's military just for being homosexuals. In CVDP court proceedings where homosexuals were disciplined in relation to their sexual orientation, they were disciplined due to their involvement with inappropriate relationships such as fraternization, engaging in acts of sexual harassment or sexual assault against their peers or subordinates, or participating in other offensive matters where their homosexuality became and was an integral part of their behaviors and actions that required disciplinary or criminal proceedings."

The Ministry of Defense has been contacted over the past several weeks by a number of civil rights activists in Mouchova, as well as from several international civil rights groups who advocate more tolerance and acceptance of homosexuals in the military.

"You won't believe some of the suggestions this Ministry has received," Żuraw said. "One suggestion was that the entire military should consist only of homosexuals. Yes, only homosexuals and no heterosexuals. Another was to ban all homosexuals from the military, and yet another was that we just ban the military altogether. Ridiculous."

Żuraw remained adamant in her decision not to push the National Assembly into making a ruling on the issue. As a VPSK Marine Colonel, Żuraw has firsthand experience interacting with all levels of the military chain of command, including several servicemembers who happen to be homosexuals.

"I'm simply not going to allow civil law to override military law, nor will I ever allow someone's civil rights agenda to influence the national defense and security policies of Mouchova," Żuraw said in a final defense of her position. "The CVDP works fine as it is and will remain as it is until a tribunal of judge advocates determines otherwise. Should that occur revisions to the CVDP will be discussed at that time."

[Mouchova]

Sunday, December 1st, 2013

HEALTH ADVOCATES, CANNIBALS CAN'T MEET ON MEAT

Riot police quell unrest over alternative
food choices in Jagoda

JAGODA - Health food activists grew outraged over the weekend in response to what appears to be a growing interest in soylent food products among a small minority of the population.

"We have an untapped natural resource walking among us," said Željka Stankic, a pro-cannibalism activist with CHOMP. "It's not like we're advocating kidnapping and murder. There are better solutions, like asking for willing volunteers! Plus, it'll help end hunger and offer more variety to Mouchova's menus."

Although it isn't known if CHOMP is an acronym for the organization or a suitable sound effect or rallying cry for their cause, CHOMP activists propose offering end-of-life or postmortem options to provide a suitable, willing supply of organs and meat for a market they believe exists.

"There is absolutely no demand for a market such as this," said Dobromil Jelinek, the Minister of Agriculture and Natural Resources. "You people are out of your damned minds, causing riots over this. Shame on you! These soylent products or whatever you want to call them will never be approved of in Mouchova, even if other nations like Maxtopia or Barrystan allow them. Food substances derived from human remains are simply illegal, if not amoral."

The Jagoda riots broke out shortly after Jelinek delivered his response, as a number of disgruntled and hungry CHOMP activists lost their tempers. Health food advocates were there to stand against them, but the situation got out of hand when a CHOMP activist tried to smear mustard on someone's arm. Police were able to quell the riots relatively quickly, and the civil unrest was over almost as quickly as it begun.

"They were just hungry, but I don't know why," said one law-enforcement officer. "We have plenty to eat in Mouchova, and all the rioters we arrested have good jobs and adequate incomes. For some reason they were on a hunger strike, so we just gave them roast beef sandwiches to distract them. Eat some meat, shut the hell up, now get in the back of the police van. You're under arrest for assault. Done."

[Mouchova]

Thursday, February 20, 2014

MUSICIANS, FANS AT ODDS OVER ILLEGAL FILE-SHARING

Minster of Commerce and Industry
Mrs. Stanislava Sobol

NOVISAD - The recording industry won a major victory today as new copyright laws were passed in the wake over a massive raid on illegal file-sharing servers. Studios and musicians applauded the ruling, while many music fans across the nation lamented on their web blogs and MyCrap pages.

"The intellectual property of musicians and artists should absolutely be protected from illegal file-sharing and piracy," said Mrs. Stanislava Sobol, Minster of Commerce and Industry. "These new laws will allow investigators to quickly determine the parties responsible for stealing files from studios and artists without paying for them, and legislate appropriate fines and penalties for those who engage in such dastardly behavior."

One famous rapper in particular, Atticus, whose real name is Bert Nedved, was particularly pleased with the passing of the laws.

"Yo, dang, blizzity blang, yo!" said Atticus, who has three platinum albums to his name. "This ain't right, yo! Dang, yo! We dang needed to copy-protect my dang CDs, yo! That dang playability life dang decreases, yo, but it's the only way to stop this! Dang, yo!"

"I agree with Dang Yo," said Minister Sobol. "Dang Yo is one of Mouchova's hottest rappers right now, and it isn't fair to him and his possie of homies, or whatever they're called, to have Dang Yo's albums downloaded for free. Dang Yo deserves to make a living, too, so it's only reasonable for fans to not steal the fresh beats and hip-hoppity goodness he produces."

"Dang, yo!" Atticus interrupted. "The name's Atticus! Dang! I've got like three dang platinum albums, yo! My dang face is all over the dang city, yo! It's Atticus! Dang, yo!"

"Right," Minister Sobol said while regaining her composure and continuing. "In any case, artists like Dang Yo and the studios who support them can be rest assured that their music and videos will receive the fullest extent of protections under the new copyright laws."

Atticus and his entourage were escorted from the public event by Executive Guard special agents. In the chaos that ensued, Atticus may have hinted that his next album will be called "Bitch, Get My Name Right."

[Mouchova]

Sunday, May 10, 2015
Mouchova

THE MARIJANIC CHURCH - A CULT OF PERSONALITY OR A CONSPIRACY OF POLITICAL DISCIPLES?

Madame President Marijana Dragovic
after a press conference in Novisad

NOVISAD – Recent fundraising activities by the so-called Marijanic Church have caused quite a debate in Mouchova over the idolization of President Marijana Dragovic as a divine figure and her comparison to the status of a deity or demigoddess.

"All hail the glorious Marijana Dragovich, giver of safety and wealth!" said Lucija Bureš, the Madame Prefect of the self-declared Marijanic Church. "Are not the might and benevolence of the Holy Marijana manifest for all to see? Should we not respond in humble worship? Marijana should proclaim Her divinity before all, and Her people shall listen!"

"This isn't just heresy, it's ridiculous," said Cardinal Todor Banik of the Catholic Church. "Surely Madame President Dragovic can't seriously be entertaining delusions of divinity? That would undoubtedly bring divine wrath upon us! I urge the good people of Mouchova to speak out against these wayward souls and endorse the traditional teachings of our nation as the true path to righteousness. Only then can we be assured of continued providence."

The Marijans have elevated Madame President Dragovic to the status of a prophet, but Cardinal Banik dismisses this notion. "If Judeo-Christian beliefs and the writing of the Bible teach us anything, is that women may at times be chosen by God to be prophets. Women such as Miriam, Deborah, Huldah, Anna, and the daughters of Philip are all accepted as prophets of God, but not once have actual religions formed around them. To believe that Madame President Dragovic is a prophet - despite her overwhelming success as a politician, diplomat, and leader - is really just plain absurd. She is an amazing woman and certainly excels in her duties, but that is all she is; a mortal and not a divine representative of God."

"Of course she's not divine, we all know that," said Jelena Božidarka, a political analyst for Nardona Vesti. "Moses wasn't divine, and neither was Mohammad, but that didn't stop religions from evolving around their teachings. Even the science-fiction author R. Leon Hubble formed a successful Church of Logicology that has considerable influence among our nation's celebrities and business leaders. It can certainly be done, and the Marijans are protected under the nation's religious freedom laws."

A Political Conspiracy?
Although the debate continues over whether the Marijanic Church is a mere cult of personality that will quickly pass, an organization of pseudo-religious philosophers that mean well, or a gathering of disaffected and misguided persons with nothing better to do than create any form of purpose for themselves to give their lives meaning, Božidarka offered additional insight to consider.

"From a political perspective, is there really any harm in letting these Marijans believe that Madame President Dragovic is divine, or that she's at least a prophet or messenger from God?" Božidarka said. "I mean, nothing begets obedience like the command of one's god, after all. God-kings have successfully ruled kingdoms and empires in the past, so the notion isn't as ridiculous as some proclaim. Perhaps a carefully constructed public statement is in order, one that gives legitimacy to this Marijanic Church while avoiding any claims of divinity outright. Let people read into it what they want, and if they flock to this 'religion' in droves, well, would it really be so terrible if a large percentage of Mouchova's citizens became Dragovic's devoted disciples?"

The President has not yet issued a press release, but she has been in contact with clergy from the Marijanic Church and is aware of the neo-religious teachings of Marijanism that have been preached by the religion's followers. An unconfirmed rumor from an even more unconfirmed source has it that Dragovic wants to at least drop one more dress size before appearing in all Her Divine Glory as a representative of the Marijanic Church.

One critic of the Marijanic Church and the quiet acceptance of its existence by the President is Tamar Valery of Conspiracy International, a political watch group that seeks to warn the public about the machinations and schemes of governments and politicians.

"This is exactly how the downfall of our great nation begins," Valery posted on her blog. "Ordinarily, if a cultist was running for president or any political office they'd be shut down immediately, but it's painfully obvious that Madame President Dragovic has planned her ascension from her earliest days of childhood. She married well, assumed the mantle of leadership after her husband was assassinated, and then she was instrumental - instrumental, I say - in the formation of this so-called Marijanic Church. She planned this from the beginning! Why not call them the Church of Narcissistic Ascension and address her as the Lady of Asinine Idolization? What better way for a politician to secure one's power than by allowing legions of quasi-religious fanatical followers to organize and legitimize themselves under the trappings of a hokey religion? Laws may be passed according to her alleged divine will rather than accepted legislative procedures and judicial review, and if that's the case we're just screwed. Screwed, I say! This is the path of the Anti-Christ! It just stinks and makes me so mad!"

Who Are the Marijans?
The Congregation of Marijans of the Holy Immaculate and Most Blessed Lady is a confraternal community or sodality of consecrated life in the Marijanic Church. Both men and women are permitted to join the Marijans as clergy and laity. In Mouchova, the members of the Congregation are perhaps best known for their work promoting the message of Marijanic Divinity and Mercy from Novisad. They are also known for their devotion to Marijana Dragovic the Immaculate, dedication to praying for poor souls, and active service to the Marijanic Church.

The titular Patroness of the Congregation is Marijana Dragovic the Immaculate and, according to the Congregation, the Mother of the Marijanic Church, to whom the Marijans show special veneration, filial love and devotion. She is their Queen and Lady, their very powerful Helper and most loving Mother. Madame President Dragovic has not yet officially announced her affiliation with the Marijanic Church, but she has not spoken against them either and is actively engaged in a dialogue with the Congregation.

According to Madame Prefect Lucija Bureš, "We go through Her to God, invoke Her frequently in prayerful pleas, run to Her with the greatest confidence in all our needs, and imitate Her virtues with all our strength. Through Her deeds Marijana urges us to trust in the unlimited fruitfulness of the work of redemption, to avoid all sin, even the slightest, to hold in highest esteem purity of heart, to imbue life fully with divine grace and charity, and to so strengthen the Marijanic Church in unity that it be holy and immaculate."

From their headquarters in Novisad, Marijanic printing presses produce religious artwork, pamphlets, magazines, prayer cards, books, and appeals – millions pieces of literature and images a year – which are sent out to a world yearning for meaning, mercy, and healing.