Ted Cruz is Running for President

[Fralinia]

Eh. If he makes it out of the Chinese fire drill that's setting up to be the Republican primaries, he'll have had to have said above and enough silly things to convince the swing states he's a bit off, assuming they aren't already firmly of the opinion.

There's really a relatively low risk of him actually assuming office.

[The Batorys]

You are literally the worst voter ever.

The name is very important.

I'm more likely to vote for someone with a very alliterative or catchy name. For example I would be more likely to vote for someone called Jaime Lannister (even if his policies might not be the best) compared to someone called Paul Gervais or Matthew Davenport.

It's an important (though not the only) factor.

Ted Cruz. It's short and its simple. This militates in his favour for me.

That is the stupidest shit I've seen all day.

That is ridiculous. Even for you. Good thing we don't let preteens vote.

[Saiwania]

Ted Cruz has my vote if he becomes the Republican presidential nominee.

[Beta Test]

Apparently he compared climate change scientists to flat-Earth people and said deniers like himself were modern day equivalents of Galileo.

What a great guy.

[Tsaraine]

So I GIS'd Ted Cruz to see what he looked like, because of course one can form an accurate and comprehensive opinion of a politician and their policies based on the first image which pops up in Google Image Search.

This is a problem for Ted Cruz, because the first image that popped up was an unfortunate one - probably an official portrait, it depicts Cruz against the background of an American flag and the mottled blue-grey background of a photographer's studio. The presidential hopeful is attempting to smile, but failing; it looks rather like someone inexpertly tried to craft him a smile out of play-doh and plaster it across his face. It is the smile of a shark attempting to reassure other fish that it's a herbivore really. It's a smile which says "Please accept my insincere non-apology for finding out about the horrible things I did to that troupe of Boy Scouts; my lawyer says that if I manage to convincingly simulate contrition he might be able to plea-bargain my sentence down to only one life sentence!"

Do I think Ted Cruz is actually guilty of flaying alive Boy Scouts, draping himself in their bloody skins, and performing profane rituals to propitiate the dread and terrible Aztec god Tlaloc, in an effort to bring much-needed rain to Texas? No. Almost certainly not. Probably not. It's possible he didn't. But based on my infallible "first image in GIS" psychological profiling technique, as President Ted Cruz will sacrifice your first born to the bloody-handed gods of the Aztecs.

And then, in the interests of fairness, I GIS'd Hillary Clinton. Oh dear. That's ... also bad. Similarly pictured against an American flag and the backdrop of the photographer's studio, Clinton's smile looks insincere in an entirely different way. It is the look of a robotic infiltrator attempting to simulate surprise, hampered by malfunctioning facial actuators. It's a look which says "This - is - how - you - hu - mans - smile - affirmative - query".

Again, is Hillary Clinton actually an early-model Terminator, fresh off the line from Cyberdyne Systems? Will a new Clinton presidency usher in an age in which gleaming steel skeletons stalk across a blighted wasteland of human skulls? I don't know if anyone has ever introduced her to a German Shepherd. It's possible she's made entirely of meat like a real human woman. But, based on my infallible "first image in GIS" psychological profiling technique, as President Hillary Clinton will have you ushered into the processing yards to be disassembled for parts.

To test the reliability of this method, I projected it backwards to predict the presidential career of Barack Obama. Obama wins a sort-of-point because the first picture to appear on GIS is not against the backdrop of a photographer's studio (although there's the requisite American flag framing the left side of the shot). He loses the sort-of-point because the backdrop appears to be the Oval Office, which seems somewhat like rubbing it in the faces of his opponents. Obama's smile does not look particularly insincere, though it's clearly not spontaneous; it's the smile of the junior partner in a law firm, having his photo taken for the company wall. The only suspicious thing is that his teeth appear to be huge, raising concerns that he is in fact a werewolf.

Is Obama in fact a werewolf? I don't know, since I can't be arsed to research whether the murder rate in Washington DC has peaked on full moons since January 2009. Suspiciously, Obama does also have big ears, all the better to hear us with. Has anyone seen him wearing silver?

In short, it's entirely possible that President Obama is a werewolf, and that the 2016 Presidential election will come down to a choice between annihilation by rampant AIs or mass human sacrifice to bloodthirsty ancient gods. Fortunately, it's still early in the campaign season; we may yet see a merely human challenger appear.

[Edgy Opinions]

Is Cruz pronounced like ''Cruise''? ... or is it ''Crer-z''?

Crewth in Spain, Crewss in Latin America, Crewsh in Rio de Janeiro and Portuguese-speaking countries other than Brazil.

[Yumyumsuppertime]

So I GIS'd Ted Cruz to see what he looked like, because of course one can form an accurate and comprehensive opinion of a politician and their policies based on the first image which pops up in Google Image Search.

This is a problem for Ted Cruz, because the first image that popped up was an unfortunate one - probably an official portrait, it depicts Cruz against the background of an American flag and the mottled blue-grey background of a photographer's studio. The presidential hopeful is attempting to smile, but failing; it looks rather like someone inexpertly tried to craft him a smile out of play-doh and plaster it across his face. It is the smile of a shark attempting to reassure other fish that it's a herbivore really. It's a smile which says "Please accept my insincere non-apology for finding out about the horrible things I did to that troupe of Boy Scouts; my lawyer says that if I manage to convincingly simulate contrition he might be able to plea-bargain my sentence down to only one life sentence!"

Do I think Ted Cruz is actually guilty of flaying alive Boy Scouts, draping himself in their bloody skins, and performing profane rituals to propitiate the dread and terrible Aztec god Tlaloc, in an effort to bring much-needed rain to Texas? No. Almost certainly not. Probably not. It's possible he didn't. But based on my infallible "first image in GIS" psychological profiling technique, as President Ted Cruz will sacrifice your first born to the bloody-handed gods of the Aztecs.

And then, in the interests of fairness, I GIS'd Hillary Clinton. Oh dear. That's ... also bad. Similarly pictured against an American flag and the backdrop of the photographer's studio, Clinton's smile looks insincere in an entirely different way. It is the look of a robotic infiltrator attempting to simulate surprise, hampered by malfunctioning facial actuators. It's a look which says "This - is - how - you - hu - mans - smile - affirmative - query".

Again, is Hillary Clinton actually an early-model Terminator, fresh off the line from Cyberdyne Systems? Will a new Clinton presidency usher in an age in which gleaming steel skeletons stalk across a blighted wasteland of human skulls? I don't know if anyone has ever introduced her to a German Shepherd. It's possible she's made entirely of meat like a real human woman. But, based on my infallible "first image in GIS" psychological profiling technique, as President Hillary Clinton will have you ushered into the processing yards to be disassembled for parts.

To test the reliability of this method, I projected it backwards to predict the presidential career of Barack Obama. Obama wins a sort-of-point because the first picture to appear on GIS is not against the backdrop of a photographer's studio (although there's the requisite American flag framing the left side of the shot). He loses the sort-of-point because the backdrop appears to be the Oval Office, which seems somewhat like rubbing it in the faces of his opponents. Obama's smile does not look particularly insincere, though it's clearly not spontaneous; it's the smile of the junior partner in a law firm, having his photo taken for the company wall. The only suspicious thing is that his teeth appear to be huge, raising concerns that he is in fact a werewolf.

Is Obama in fact a werewolf? I don't know, since I can't be arsed to research whether the murder rate in Washington DC has peaked on full moons since January 2009. Suspiciously, Obama does also have big ears, all the better to hear us with. Has anyone seen him wearing silver?

In short, it's entirely possible that President Obama is a werewolf, and that the 2016 Presidential election will come down to a choice between annihilation by rampant AIs or mass human sacrifice to bloodthirsty ancient gods. Fortunately, it's still early in the campaign season; we may yet see a merely human challenger appear.

This is the greatest thing that I have read in many weeks.

[Grenartia]

are you new to politics?

1. how was I supposed to know they don't really cut your taxes when they promise/give a representation that they would cut your taxes

2. I'm surprised no one has sued the Republicans over this

3. people shouldn't be allowed to lie like this

1. Aren't you supposed to be some sort of straight-A law student? Y'know, the field of study that literally deals with shit like this on a daily basis? I mean, fuck, I'm not even in college yet and I know this shit. Is majoring in law really that easy that somebody who doesn't know how politics works can ace it?

2. Says the self-proclaimed law major.

3. Yeah, no fucking shit, Sherlock. What's the next big discovery you're gonna drop on us? The Earth isn't flat?

Seriously, good fucking luck getting it to change anytime soon.

[Scomagia]

snip

The Goat Lord is pleased by this post and so has sigged it.

Anyway, there's no way Ted Cruz makes it long in the Republican Primary. It's absolutely impossible that he gets the nomination. He should just give up.

[Grenartia]

snip

The Goat Lord is pleased by this post and so has sigged it.

Anyway, there's no way Ted Cruz makes it long in the Republican Primary. It's absolutely impossible that he gets the nomination. He should just give up.

I hope he wins it, just so that in the general election, he'll be utterly unelectable.

[Godular]

The Goat Lord is pleased by this post and so has sigged it.

Anyway, there's no way Ted Cruz makes it long in the Republican Primary. It's absolutely impossible that he gets the nomination. He should just give up.

I hope he wins it, just so that in the general election, he'll be utterly unelectable.

I hope they all lose. Like, somehow they all manage to withdraw from the primaries in a cataclysmic storm of bruised egos that leaves their entire party a laughing stock.

More of a laughing stock.

And less of a threatening laughing stock because somehow they keep getting elected.

[Imsogone]

The Goat Lord is pleased by this post and so has sigged it.

Anyway, there's no way Ted Cruz makes it long in the Republican Primary. It's absolutely impossible that he gets the nomination. He should just give up.

I hope he wins it, just so that in the general election, he'll be utterly unelectable.

Eh. Cruz is just one of the initial throw-away candidates - like Michelle Bachman. By the time they've sacrificed him and some of the other totally out there crazies to the GOP masses, the candidate they finally settle on, though a complete moron and morally bereft, will look completely sane by comparison.

[The Rich Port]

Obama's mother's citizenship is irrelevant because his father wasn't American and he wasn't born in America so he can't be President.

All you need to know about my parentage is my mother is an American citizen. My father and place of birth are irrelevant.

... MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

I almost fucking broke my finger holding the MMMMMMMMMMMM key done because I'm so fucking disgusted they tried shilling this motherfucker to us like he was a Sofia Vergara gordita because that's what beaners like us fucking want.

[Ivory Praxis]

I seriously doubt Cruz would survived the early stages the election much less get the nomination. Not only because of the question surrounding his eligibility for the presidency ,but because he publicly opposes subsidies for ethanol. Rural areas benefit from the jobs created by ethanol refineries and the higher prices for corn they generate. By coming out against bio-fuel subsidies he has alienated the rural bedrock of the party. Cruz will be massacred in the Iowa caucuses considering that 39% of ethanol produced in the country comes from Iowa. He will have to put on really a strong showing in New Hampshire to survive the crippling blow he inflicted to himself.

[The Rich Port]

I seriously doubt Cruz would survived the early stages the election much less get the nomination. Not only because of the question surrounding his eligibility for the presidency ,but because he publicly opposes subsidies for ethanol. Rural areas benefit from the jobs created by ethanol refineries and the higher prices for corn they generate. By coming out against bio-fuel subsidies he has alienated the rural bedrock of the party. Cruz will be massacred in the Iowa caucuses considering that 39% of ethanol produced in the country comes from Iowa. He will have to put on really a strong showing in New Hampshire to survive the crippling blow he inflicted to himself.

Then again... Maybe you're placing too much emphasis on whether the American public knows this.

I think that's what Cruz is betting on, at least.

[Narland]

Baha! Tea Party Darling? In the news media's dreams. I suppose if you tell a lie long enough someone will believe it.

This Ivy League Renquist pet and Bush appointee is as much of a TEA Partier as I am a coffee drinking young Turk. Just because you hob-nob and court anti-establishment voters and croon their rhetoric doest make you one when you have always been an establishment crony. Rocking the boat against the progressive establishment fossils in your party so you can take their place doesn't mean you want to return to the conservative roots of freedom and liberty that TEA Partiers' desire.

Cruz may be running for prez, but he is positioning himself as the new centrist leader of the GOP and he needs to coddle the conservative base (and us TEA partiers) to do so. Like choosing Firefox because it is the least sucky browser, Cruz got his position much the same way. Some of us may be that desperate, but Cruz might as well be McCain, Boehner, Hilary or Kerry as far as getting support from the rest of us TEA (Taxed Enough Already) crowd in other parts of the country.

Paul, Walker, and Benson are more in touch with the TEA Party and Campaign for Liberty crowds than Cruz, Bachman, or whichever grandstander chooses to jump in front of the crowd pretending to be its leader and then "organizing" a following. TEA Party stands for 5 things--simplify taxes, abolishing the national debt, holding the bankers/financiers accountable for their fraud and negligence (full scale bank and money reform), return to constitutional governance, and promote free enterprise (not corporatism). Ted Cruz has no intention of doing these things. His intention is gaining a controlling hegemon within the GOP.

[Mittenstan]

luckily, i am optimistic and believe that Americans are too smart to vote for him

BERNIE SANDERS 2K16 ;D

unfortunately, i don't get a say in the 2016 election because I'll just barely be too young to vote

[Narland]

luckily, i am optimistic and believe that Americans are too smart to vote for him

BERNIE SANDERS 2K16 ;D

unfortunately, i don't get a say in the 2016 election because I'll just barely be too young to vote

Hopefully, by the 2020 election there will be an actual anti-establishment Republican nominated. After what they did to his father, I doublt that Paul has a chance. Bernie Saunders, lol. He should be tried for crimes against the American People, convicted, drawn and quartered, chopped into little pieces, and then buried alive, or given an appropriate sentence.

[Mittenstan]

luckily, i am optimistic and believe that Americans are too smart to vote for him

BERNIE SANDERS 2K16 ;D

unfortunately, i don't get a say in the 2016 election because I'll just barely be too young to vote

Hopefully, by the 2020 election there will be an actual anti-establishment Republican nominated. After what they did to his father, I doublt that Paul has a chance. Bernie Saunders, lol. He should be tried for crimes against the American People, convicted, drawn and quartered, chopped into little pieces, and then buried alive, or given an appropriate sentence.

WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH THINGS TO SUCH A SWEET OLD MAN. POOR BERNIE :'(

[Farnhamia]

luckily, i am optimistic and believe that Americans are too smart to vote for him

BERNIE SANDERS 2K16 ;D

unfortunately, i don't get a say in the 2016 election because I'll just barely be too young to vote

Hopefully, by the 2020 election there will be an actual anti-establishment Republican nominated. After what they did to his father, I doublt that Paul has a chance. Bernie Saunders, lol. He should be tried for crimes against the American People, convicted, drawn and quartered, chopped into little pieces, and then buried alive, or given an appropriate sentence.

A bit of advice from your friendly neighborhood Mod: I'm sure everyone's enjoying your clever remark about Senator Saunders but it's not something you want to make a habit of. Advocating horrific punishments for actual people is trolling and will get you warned. There are better ways to get your point across.

[Mittenstan]

yeah mod, you tell him!

[Aszakaeria]

Well, living essentially in what has become "Libertyburg" Virginia, I unfortunately have had the unpleasantness of bearing the full brunt of this bid for presidency by Cruz. I can see why an extremist would choose this campus, that doesn't shock me in the least bit. What did surprise me was the large audience he gathered, until I realized they had all been forced to attend.

Anyways, I personally think he's an awful choice for candidacy. But I can't say it won't be absolutely hilarious to watch. And God forbid if he were to win. Can you imagine? "President Cruz reads lullaby to gathered NATO delegation" "President Cruz declares America a Christian nation" "President Cruz declares war on Iran, North Korea, China, and Russia"

I am relatively concerned about his place of birth however. I'm not sure how Republicans are going to throw in their vote for a candidate who fails one out of the only three requirements for presidency this nation has. And legitimately fails it too. Not that Obama "Hawaii is really far away crap" but actually born in a whole other sovereign territory, which, like it or not, was the North American right arm of the very tyrannical Empire we first sought to escape so valiantly, and our fledgling nation's first and greatest enemy until the latter 1800's. So, in all respects, Ted Cruz is technically a traitor to the state by birth. But I'll leave that to the Democratic bids to tear up in the race for presidency.

[Farnhamia]

yeah mod, you tell him!

Yeah, cheerleading is not something you want to make a habit of, either. It's also actionable.

[Geilinor]

Apparently he compared climate change scientists to flat-Earth people and said deniers like himself were modern day equivalents of Galileo.

What a great guy.

Which in itself is historically inaccurate as Galileo wasn't opposing flat-Earthers.

[Grenartia]

Baha! Tea Party Darling? In the news media's dreams. I suppose if you tell a lie long enough someone will believe it.

This Ivy League Renquist pet and Bush appointee is as much of a TEA Partier as I am a coffee drinking young Turk. Just because you hob-nob and court anti-establishment voters and croon their rhetoric doest make you one when you have always been an establishment crony. Rocking the boat against the progressive establishment fossils in your party so you can take their place doesn't mean you want to return to the conservative roots of freedom and liberty that TEA Partiers' desire.

Cruz may be running for prez, but he is positioning himself as the new centrist leader of the GOP and he needs to coddle the conservative base (and us TEA partiers) to do so. Like choosing Firefox because it is the least sucky browser, Cruz got his position much the same way. Some of us may be that desperate, but Cruz might as well be McCain, Boehner, Hilary or Kerry as far as getting support from the rest of us TEA (Taxed Enough Already) crowd in other parts of the country.

Paul, Walker, and Benson are more in touch with the TEA Party and Campaign for Liberty crowds than Cruz, Bachman, or whichever grandstander chooses to jump in front of the crowd pretending to be its leader and then "organizing" a following. TEA Party stands for 5 things--simplify taxes, abolishing the national debt, holding the bankers/financiers accountable for their fraud and negligence (full scale bank and money reform), return to constitutional governance, and promote free enterprise (not corporatism). Ted Cruz has no intention of doing these things. His intention is gaining a controlling hegemon within the GOP.

If any of yall actually supported that stuff, or at the very least bothered to do your research, you'd all be voting Democrat. Your darlings would be Warren and Sanders, not Paul and Walker.

The corporate puppetmasters of the GOP/tea party have you hook, line, and sinker if you think "kill the unions" Walker will do anything against the will of the Kochs (and holding the banks responsible, returning to constitutional governance, simplifying taxes, getting rid of the debt, or promoting free enterprise instead of corporatocracy).