World Cup 51 roleplay thread

[Pays de Horreur]

Pays de Horreur’s criminals still have shot at reaching the World Cup. A stage that has eluded the professional players of the Rushmore nation is still within grasp of a group of convicted killers.

Star man Karim Lafayette, of the Horreur’s bayou has been inspirational in leading the team’s scrap among the top. The captain and former alligator enthusiast has proven he’s got a great left leg on him, something which most of his victims can’t say. Top scorer Raymond Zidane has also proven his worth scoring 11 of Pays de Horreur’s 46 goals.

In the leadership stakes, Rene Blanc has done something which previous coaches Eorl Vandenbussche (R.I.P) and Malcolm MacDowell failed to do, and that’s bring a bunch of misfits within touching distance of the World Cup. Even if the side drops the ball against Khytenna Rene has far surpassed any and all expectations of his side.

The Horreur do however need one or both of the sides above them to fall on their faces to reach the World Cup, with Kelssek playing Tarrentum and Sargossa facing The Shinnian Islands the chances of last day qualification look slim. All across the country today fans will sit, fingers crossed and pray for a upset (and hope to Christ we don’t get beat ourselves).

On the back of the national team’s success the Pays de Horreur football association is close to re-establishing the long since forgotten Pays de Horreur Premier League. The league played one successful season then descended into chaos as rival groups clashed across the country. League chiefs are now suggesting integration of different species amongst teams rather than banding groups together and forming teams.

A second option has also been offered following in the recent tradition of joint leagues. The Pays de Horreur football association and the association of neighboring islands Palacios and Rodallega may form a joint league. This move would intensify competition and would also prove to be a boost to the local economy – something desperately needed in Palacios and Rodallega.

A third, much quieter option is currently being whispered. The Pays de Horreur F.A are looking into joining the Rushmore Overseas Football League. However with no firm proposal in place and the inaugural season already underway, the ship may have well and truly sailed on that possibility. So, for now you can ignore we even said that.

Current national team captain, Karim Lafayette is keen to see a Pays de Horreur football league suggesting “It would be great for the country and a good chance for guys like me to be rehabilitated into “normal” society.”

However his current coach is less enthusiastic about the idea “What do we need a professional league for. I’ve taken 17 killers to within touching distance of the World Cup. Pampered, preening, pretty boys are going to be a waste of time. If you want compelling football, lets get all the prison teams together and form a league.”

[West Zirconia]

The Daily Herald

For all your World Cup news

Price WZC1.25

WEST ZIRCONIA QUALIFY FOR WORLD CUP FINALS!!

Nationwide shock as Meerkats make competition proper

Alun Lydiate - scored two vital goals

West Zirconia's usually inept national football team made history by qualifying for the World Cup Finals, to be held in Paripana and Septentrionia. A stuttering 3-3 draw against Barnettsville ensured that third-ranked Kosovoe could neither catch them nor Candelaria And Marquez, who join the Meerkats in the Finals.

Despite letting in three relatively soft goals, they fought back, with two goals from Alun Lydiate and one from Steve Allerton. While Candelaria And Marquez won, 4-0 at Kazzoria, the Meerkats can still win the group if they win their next game and the Big Blues fail to win theirs. The controversial method of separating teams on equal points by head-to-head results means that West Zirconia would be placed higher than Candelaria And Marquez because of a 3-2 aggregate (the scores being 1-2 in Arrigo and 2-0 in Moorcroft).

Coach Liam Simpson is not expected to take the last match, against Mount Shavano, lightly - after all, there is always the chance of that top spot, and with it invaluable Rushmori bragging rights.

In other news, a religious sect committed mass suicide in its compound near Taylor's Cross on hearing the result, allegedly believing West Zirconia's qualification for the World Cup to be a sign of the end of the world.

[Newmanistan]

(OOC: You’ve likely read my post a week ago in the discussion thred where I said I was no longer participating in the World Cup. This is to serve as an in-character reasoning for why we will no longer be).

Emperor Michael IV had been visiting the Tundra Falls area to meet with city leaders about some funding for a couple projects they had been interested in. Nothing terribly exciting, and certainly His Highness would have preferred to be in The Babbage Islands to watch the Rockets win the World Baseball Classic 15 championship, but being an imperial ruler of an Empire approaching 10-billion people has to come before being a sports fan. After the meeting, he went to the Proving Grounds and discussed the future of the Bird on Skates competition with Dancougar, while holding the trophy, he heard a voice...

“Michael,” said the voice. “Mikey,” it said again. It sounded just like his sister, his deceased sister Empress Jessica, and no one else other then someone in the Royal Family had better never call him Mikey. He looked around to make sure no one was pranking him. But he was in Tundra Falls, the place were the spirits reside (allegedly). If he was going to be hearing a paranormal voice, hearing it at the Proving Grounds would be more normal as opposed to abnormal.

“Jess-i-ca?” asked Michael, “Wh-what is it?”

“Michael its time. What happened to our friends in Dancougar was terrible. I have talked to King Daniel up here. Out of respect, please never speak of the Bird on Skates again.”

“Uhm, ok.” responded Michael.

“In fact, King Daniel and I would like the trophy. We have some heavenly chess games we would like to add a little extra incentive over for us to win. Place the trophy down by your feet, and it will disappear before your eyes. It will be come up here, with us. This way, too, you will know it is not a prank.”

Michael said ok, and did as asked and sure enough, the trophy disappeared right before his eyes. “Anything else?”

“There is one more thing. To show our respect for our fallen rival, pull the team out of the World Cup. Never allow Newmanistan to return. I wish you would have done this already, but how else can one explain all those bad losses? It wasn’t because the team played bad, or because the other team was getting lucky. The Rockets were being punished by us. Well, really by King Daniel more then me, but you get my point. The Bird on Skates should have been retired and never spoken of again, but you continued to display it. If you pay this sacrifice, Michael, and pull the team out of the World Cup, then that storm expected to rain out the baseball game in Armagh today will miraculously miss the stadium. There will be one rain shower, and there will be strong wind to serve as a reminder of the sacrifice. If so, the Rockets will win.”

“It’s a deal.” the Emperor said.

[Toiletdonia]

Milak and Tota arrived in the Jungle and got to the TV show filming area.

"So," said Tota. "When do we start filming?" The director came over to him with a bag full of fat cockroaches, Kangaroo testicles and a box with something squeaking in it.

"Soon you first challenge will be to get the shelters up then you must do the challenges for the meal. You'll be happy to hear you have to do them tonight first." replied the director. "You will also need to look like you have been mauled by a wild animal before you start."

"Okay," said Tota. "How much are we getting paid?" He asked. The director rolled his eyes and slapped his face. He shook his head and looked at them like idiots.

"Did you even read the broacher?" He said patronisingly. "You only get paid if you make it to the final two. That means you'll need to be loved to win come over poor or something." He walked back over to his camera. "Shooting in 5 people!"

"So we could still come away poor?" Said Milak. "I've had enough already and we haven't even started. I don't like this we could be drinking tea at home right now but were here."

"Yeah we should have brought a load of lottery tickets anyway." said Tota. "I would still like to do this anyway I always eat Kangaroo testicles and cockroaches so it won't be to bad. They'll take care of us I'm sure they think were rich anyway you can' hurt us we would sue."

"Shocked breath intake. Your not rich!" Said the director. "Well we can't have you on the show then!"

"Oh come on it isn't like you can drop us in the jungle or something," said Milak. Suddenly the guards advanced on them and picked them up. They then were drugged and driven off into the jungle.

"So here we are stuck in the jungle left to fend for ourselves." Said Tota. He walked towards a tree and grunted. "Do you think we could kill a monkey?"

"Yes we have to or will die. What do you think we should do?" Said Milak.

"Well by now I've would have called my agent and he would have used a false smile and lies to sort it all out." Said Tota. He sighed and sat down. Milak sat down.

"Well maybe we should call someone and they can pick us up." Said Milak.

"OK I'll get my phone out then and straighten this whole mess out." Said Tota. Who took his phone out of his pocket and dialled in the number.

[Sargossa]

Five Of The Best



Plucky underdogs? Pah! Take that. And this. And three more of those. To be honest nobody back home really expected the Corsairs to go to Tarrentum and score five but it was one of the more pleasant surprises the side have thrown up over the years. In fact Gabriel Vizcarra's short, by normal standards anyway, by our standards he's been around ages, term in charge has been marked by an ability to bounce back from disappointing results. After a poor draw in Khytenna the side hit back with a comfortable win in Loonaterian. More impressively, after twice dropping points against Pays de Horreur Sargossa struck back hard to beat second seeds Bostopia twice. And now, having lost in Kelssek, Vizcarra's charges rolled over a Tarrentum side that has impressed in this campaign.

The Falcons started solidly but were soundly undone when Marcos García Fernández curled a trademark freekick over the wall and past Tremi Bodacello. Dani Bravo drilled a low left footed drive across the keeper for two nil after good work from Gómez and Jorge Alberto Carmona looked to have killed off the fixture when he arrived late to connect with another Fernández set piece. Full credit went to Gregori Burindi's side in the second half as the Falcons threw all caution to the wind and surged forward. Sadly for the home fans their side were caught on the break and Sargossan sub Luís Jiménez showed a killer instinct in front of goal to make it four. But the hosts were relentless and both Henry Qund and veteran Rubinu Warti scored to add some respectability to the scoreline and just hint of a potentially stunning comeback. Fortunately Jiménez was on hand to bag his second late on and make certain of all three points.

Not that the three points assured Sargossa of a place in the Finals after both the other contenders rudely refused to lose. But it did keep the Corsairs two points clear at the top of Group 9, incidentally the only group without at least one confirmed qualifier. Which, with a single fixture left to play, is a rather nice place to be. It's Kelssek who now occupy second place after edging a seven goal thriller in Loonaterian and skipping past Pays de Horreur who were held in Bisgea. The maths is simple. If Sargossa beat The Shinnian Islands in Maturín then we will be off to the World Cup Finals for only the second time. Anything less than that and, well, let's not go there.

[Pasarga]

It is here, the defining moment of a generation. This will undoubtedly be my last stint with the national team program, at least as a player, and how I and this first generations of players from Pasarga will be remembered rests solely on the events of tomorrow night. We face down the door of destiny while it is not completely in our own hands. A single victory over the nation of Chocolate Pencils will not be good enough for me and the rest of the squad to make it to our third world cup, our third out of our first five entries into the global game's ultimate competition. We will be relying on Sarzonia to beat our neighbors to the north of Nethertopia as well if we are to make the World Cup Proper. While we normally would not wish ill for our regional neighbors, when situations like this arise, then it must always be Pasarga that becomes the priority over the likes of Nethertopia, Sargossa, and the rest of Rushmore.

It is odd that Sarzonia will be the ones to hold the keys to our fortunes, as if we would have defeated them a few matchdays ago, we would have been in control of our own destiny. They however came and took revenge for their shocking loss to us in front of a sold out stadium in Sarzonia in the first half of qualifying, with us never looking properly up for the match. Nethertopia has twice made us drop points as well and yet here we are, still on the verge of making what could arguably be the greatest competition in the World. That we are in this position is a remarkable sign that the determination that the people of Pasarga have and the idea that one is never to give up even when all seems lost. A disappointing draw following the loss to Sarzonia could have seen this squad throw in the towel and prepare for a second straight trip for the Cup of Harmony, which would be a first in our history. Yet the rose to the occasion and defeated a game Valladares side in Valladares, the same side who stunned us in Torgos.

While a trip to the Cup of Harmony may still be where we end up, the fact that the side is forcing the Nethies to have to get a draw against the group leaders and a top ten side in the world on the final matchday to knock us out is remarkable. For me, it is the end of a long journey that has had many twists and turns, ups and downs, high and many lows. For Pasarga however, it is just another step towards the eventual goal of becoming a mainstay of world football power and the chance to win a World Cup.

~ Ausilio Calabrese

[Undeadzombiee]

Arrigo Calabresi, the leader of the rebels, was smiling. He was smiling because the president of Undeadzombiee had contacted him, with a message of peace. It was a huge day for all of the rebels, and one to be remembered.

He picked up the phone, and dialed the president’s private number. 911-000-0000. Simple enough.

Eli Smith answered one the first ring. “Hello?”

“Eli, this is Arrigo. We have some business to discuss.”

“The terms of surrender. Actually, I was thinking about that. Our army is in a great position. You have only two cities, and are in a state of Lockdown in both, because heavily armed troops are marching towards you. I am still willing to recognize you as an independent nation, but at a price.”

“You’re kidding right? This isn’t the best time for jokes.”

“No, I’m serious…”

“WE HAD AN AGREEMENT! Eli, we outnumber your assaulting forces 3-2, are fighting defensively, and have enough provisions to last three months. You know that. I also have spies in the government, who could kill you at a moment’s notice. So please, just let us be independent, or I will have to kill you.”

“Hmm… Well, I have a last ditch offer.”

“What?”

“Pay us ten billion dollars, over the course of ten years, disband all military, and place no tariffs on goods from us. We, in return, will recognize you as an independent nation, and bring our military to 50,000 men.”

“Five billion, and let us have 100,000.”

“Five billion and you get 100,000 and we get 150,000.”

“Deal!”

It was finished. They were free, but yet were in the worst situation. The only ones on the planet Lornoc were them, Undeadzombiee, and Puppett Nation. And if Undeadzombiee were to declare war, Puppett Nation would ally with them.

But right now he had bigger things to do. He called in his military advisor, and said, “We are free. Disband all but one hundred thousand units, and spread the word that we are free.

“Yes sir.”

He had done it!

[Kosovoe]

Port Kosovoe Courant

Blue Tornado Fail to Qualify Again

All eras have to come to and end. In Kosovoe an era is coming to an end. National team coach Duggie Smith has been fired after 23 long seasons as national coach of the team. As well as being fired many of the elder members of the team have been asked not to return for the next Cup of Harmony and it seems that an era is over in kosovoen soccer. The high scoring teams of the past are sure to be replaced now as new Manager Lincoln White manager of the Kosovoen Soccer Leagues Bohemian East Lawn team has been named manager. The low scoring manager will look to install his ideals as the team moves onwards in the coming seasons.

[Queer Poco el Mono Ara]

TO: Princess Marie-Antoinette Dallas of Jeruselem, Countess of Palestine
FROM: Joseph Hamburgstein

Thank you for your kind words and wishes of good luck for the up coming tournament. Good luck yourself and to the rest of Jeruselem, if we don’t (can’t) win, I hope it’s you.

There’s a rumor going round that I’m going to be knighted, I’ll send you a pic in exchange for a calendar.

Once again, good luck to the national team and fingers crossed we don’t have to play each other in the finals.

Ta and such
Joe

P.S. We’re going to be having a “going-away” party before we leave for the World Cup, just a couple of footballers and the coaching staff having a few drinks, you’re welcome to come if you’re interested.

---

Joe had sent out the reserves to play Newmanistan in a lackluster performance as the team crashed to their first defeat in this World Cup qualifying campaign. In a move that some would suggest was disrespectful, Hamburgstein maintained it was for the best of the team and was to aid in his final selection for the World Cup.

The Whites play Swilatia in their final game and will want to head into the post-quali friendlies with a spring in their step.

[Taeshan]

X Island Inquirer

Team Squanders Hele's Last Chance at Glory

It seems that in the last season of the illustrious career of former National Coach Zeke's son, and National team member Zeke Jr's brother Hele, once again the Purple Knights of Taeshan failed to make it to the world cup and once again will have to look to the next year of qualifying to have their hopes finally fulfilled with a qualification to the worlds grandest stage of the sport once again. The team overall had one of their best performances in history putting more goals in the net then possibly any team before them over the long qualifying campaign, but it just wasn't enough for the retiring player. Hele being the only retiree this season will surely be missed in the seasons to come.

[Virabia]

The Vonghurst Star
HIV/AIDS Game and a look back...

VONGHURST - The end of the qualifiers are within sight. Virabia has already been eliminated, and the group has been sealed up. The Holy Empire and Vephrall are going to the World Cup, and Rick Roll land did better than us. However, the tournament is still not over and Virabia can still make an impact. However, that impact is not on the group table but it's on people's lives, as the VFA have announced that all of the proceeds from tonight's game against Vephrall (at Estadio Norte del Vonghurst). This game's tickets started at £20 and have already sold out, and if you include concessions, more than £1 million will be donated to fighting the disease all around the world. The reason the team is holding the game was at the suggestion of team captain Joaquin Gurule, who revealed to the press today that he is also suffering from the disease. The team also announced that they will be wearing red jerseys for the occasion.


Virabi Special Edition AIDS Kits
courtesy of Kappa Kits n' Kicks
_____________________________________________________
A look Back

The road to match day 18 has been a long and painful one. It's been marked by losses, regret and the team will surely be coming out of it for higher hopes next time. However that road began long before the actual beginning of the Qualifying Campaign, when the Virabi National Team made a suprising announcement that they would be participating in the Oxen Cup. The team didn't have high hopes for the cup but, before the cup could even get started the Oxen Cup was postponed for the World Cup Qualifiers. So, in lieu of missing out the team entered. The roster they entered was a whole new cast of players who had never been capped internationally. Initially there was some concern on whether or not the team would have good chemistry. However, those concerns soon proved to be wrong as from the first practice the team formed a bond.

With the team selected (which can be a hard thing (see Olympic Hockey Selection debacle)), the team was just about ready to go. However, the team needed a stadium. This proved to be hard as the larger stadiums rejected the team, and if the team were to play in parks they would be laughed at. However, as the team was just about to give up and do what they did in World Cup 50 (play matches abroad), the Weston Institute of Technology stepped in and offered the team the use of Chris Alabaster Stadium.

With a team and stadium secured the team was ready to begin play. They were drawn into group 13 which contained (4) The Holy Empire, (UNR) Novikov, (197) Catmeowland, (69) Carpathia and Ruthenia, (290) Aluetiva, (30) Vephrall, (236) Rick Roll Land, (49) Somewhereistonia and (89) F1-Insanity. On paper, this seemed like it would be a relatively easy group and that the 150th ranked Virabi team would be able to finish at least 6th or so.

However, within the first few games this notion was proven horribly wrong. The team struggled against even the lowliest of teams. In their first match they posted a scoreless draw against Rick Roll land. This result would both serve to demoralize the team and set the tone for the first half of the qualifying campaign. This result was followed by an 4-3 away loss in neighbouring Somewhereistonia and a 4 nothing defeat at one time World Cup champions The Holy Empire. Then came yet another scoreless draw against unranked Novikov.

By now, it was obvious that the team was grossly under-performing, as they had failed to win two matches against easy opponents. This resulted in manager Brett Sampson going under heavy fire and, it became obvious that he would be fearing for his job in the not too distant future. However, these reports were silenced a little bit as the V-Team pulled out a surprise win against F1-Insanity. However, this spell of victory would be brief as the next game was back to draws as the team would draw Catmeowland 0-0. However, this game did mark a small victory, as the stadium had to bring in extra bleachers to deal with the extra crowds which were out in droves because the game was free (in order to get people interested in the sport. This stunt was ultimately successful as the revenues were made up in concession sales and the fact that every home game since then has required extra seating for the fans.

The next game for Virabia was a 1-0 loss to Carpenthia and Ruenthia, this was followed by a 0-0 draw to Alluetiva, who at that point had gone 0-0-7. These two matches in effect sealed the fate of Brett Sampson at the position of manager. However, instead of being fired he was promoted tp being director of the newly formed VFA, with his first task being to find his replacement. The search did take a few days but eventually the VFA did get two people who were willing to take the job. One was Hal Baker and the other was Waldendyr Caldas, who had led his native Cafundelense team to the Round of 16 in World Cup 50. Caldas eventually proved to be the final choice of the FA, as Baker revealed he only applied at a friends urging, and because he wasn't sure if anyone would take the job. Thus upon the application of Caldas he happily stepped out of the race.

As for results, the V-Team finished out their first round of qualifying with a 1-nil loss to Vephrall. At this point it looked like their wouldn't be much hope for the Virabi team as they were stuck in the bottom of the table, and it didn't look like they were going to win any time soon.

Then in their only mid-qualifying friendly, the team won their match, but this was not received all to warmly by some in the media who claimed that the team should win when it counts. However, in their rematch against Rick Roll land, the team did begin to look like they would turn around as they beat Rick Roll Land 1-nil. But, this didn't last long as Virabia would suffer a 3-0 loss against neighbours Somewhereistonia. This was followed by a 5-2 away defeat to the Holy Empire.

By now teams had already began being eliminated and Virabia would soon meet this fate as they lost to Novikov 0-1. Thus sealing their fate as a team that would most likely be destined for the CoH. The rest of their tournament would contain two bright spots and that was another 1-0 win against F1-Insanity and a 3-2 victory over Carpenthia and Ruenthia, as the rest of their results would be a 1-0 loss to Catmeowland (followed by the afformentioned 3-2 win). The Virabis then finished out their qualifying campaign so far with a 1-0 loss to last placed Alluetiva.

VIRABI STATS

GOALS:

3: Conquest, Gurule,
2: Bass, Rangel
1: Nomsky

Assists:

5: Nomsky
2: Bass, Conquest
1: Gurule

⁠   Group 13                   P    W   D   L   GF   GA   GD  Pts 
 1 The Holy Empire           17   12   5   0   59   24  +35   41 Q
 2 Vephrall                  17   10   4   3   36   23  +13   34 Q
 3 Carpathia and Ruthenia    17    7   6   4   27   17  +10   27
 4 Somewhereistonia          17    7   5   5   48   41   +7   26
 5 Novikov                   17    5   6   6   22   25   −3   21
 6 F1-Insanity               17    6   2   9   30   38   −8   20
 7 Rick Roll Land            17    4   7   6   24   27   −3   19
 8 Catmeowland               17    4   6   7   19   32  −13   18
 9 Virabia                   17    4   4   9   10   22  −12   16
10 Aluetiva                  17    2   3  12   21   47  −26    9

And yet there is still one game left...

[Krytenia]

"OK lads, ninety minutes and eleven...rodents stand between you and glory. You know what you have to do. You know what's at stake. Show your mettle. Show your bottle. Let's get three points, get the plane tickets, and we will SHOW THE WORLD WHAT WE'RE MADE OF! Get out there and make history! COME ON!!!!"

[Delaclava]

DNBSports.com

YES! YES! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you believe it? I mean, can you freaking believe it???

Delaclava is IN THE 51ST WORLD CUP!!! Delaclava, with one game to go, has gotten to the final 32!!!

It happened with, in conjunction with Tonarius' 2-1 win over Delaclava's fellow chasers Jesselton, a 3-0 win over Euroslavia for the Phoenixes. That leaves Delaclava three points ahead of Jesselton, and due to head-to-head Jesselton cannot make up the difference.

The team was missing Jamal Pacheco, who got a minor concussion after hitting his head on the post while saving a ball from going into the net, and Lucio Magnani picked up the start instead. Coach Anatoliy Titov said, "I was worried that losing a starter would get in the players' heads. But they focused at the right time and got to business."

The first goal came right in the 1st minute. Geraldo Ayala tipped the ball to Simon De Braden, who dribbled straight through most of the Euroslavia team. With Ayala and De Braden facing the back three, Ayala dropped back to Mose Fuentes, who slammed the ball from the left side of the box into the top right corner. 1-0.

The next goal came in the 37th minute. Stanley Ichtyelkov took a corner kick from the left side, and Calvin Castillo put a head on it. It hit the crossbar, but past the diving fist of the Euroslavian goalkeeper, who was then on the ground. Easy pickings for the incredibly accurate Alessandro Campeon Berrera, the hero of the the Jesselton game, who carefully but effortlessly passed it into the back of the net. 2-0.

The last goal was in the 56th minute. On a Delaclava siege of the Euroslavian net, Ruben Hester struck the ball just inside the left post, hitting the bottom of the goalkeeper's fist and bouncing out quickly. Calvin Pope retrieved it and passed it to Sheldon Berrera in the middle of the Euroslavian half, hoping to restart the attack. Berrera had other ideas; he instead tried the 43-yard shot with the right and, to everyone's shock, tucked it just inside the top right corner, uncontested. 3-0.

As the game went on, Delaclava pressed on, but others got a chance to play. Most of the starters were subbed out for the substitutes and reserves. But the depth players fought hard and looked good. No goals resulted, but the backups had a great attack and failed to score only because of lacking to finish it off. When the final whistle sounded, the whole Delaclava side, knowing of the Jesselton-Tonarius result already, stormed the field and jumped up and down in celebration. They were joined by 50,000 Delaclava fans, outnumbering even the amount of Euroslavia supporters at the Euroslavia pitch, on the field. Security initially tried to stop the stampede but eventually joined the fray as well.

One more game against Milchama remains. The starting line-up will be: Jim Molina, Lucio Magnani, Devin Santana; David Ward, John Ewing, Darcy Mulrooney, Gordon Compton, Chet Hardy; Marko Berrera, Mikel Berrera. Titov said "we want to stay the course and focus, but these guys are capable of beating Milchama. I'm confident of it."

I'm going out to party. Bye!

[Zarbli]

From Tribunis Kanibaldis Sports page

Gomen Fired
Miagi to Assume for the Cup of Harmony

It was already well known all around the Twelve Nations that Paulo Gomen's position as coach of the Zarblese National Team would be gone after the World Cup Qualifying. Before the game against Cosumar in Orient, the ridiculous 2-6-8 campaign of the team made clear for everyone that Gomen would lose his job. Some even said it was already decided as soon as the first leg was finished. But the Green Tigers' defeat home defeat against unranked Cosumar made SEFZ* president Hikardo Texeira rush the announcement.

"As up from now, Paulo Gomen is no longer the Manager. Even though he is a great professional, he clearly isn't fit for the job", said Texeira in a press conference. When asked if the team's campaign had something to do with that, he replied "Of course it does."

Now, if Gomen is not the right man for the job, then who is? Well, according to Texeira, that would be Warriors coach Senior Miagi. "Mr. Miagi has shown all the qualities we expect the team manager to have. He has already accepted the job and will begin his time as manager of the Zarblese team during the preparations for the Cup of Harmony", said Texeira.

Miagi has talked briefly to Tribunis in the phone. He said he was deeply honored to be called for the job, which he accepted with humility and great pride. When asked what he would do different from his predecessor, he said he will "manage the team with more balance, focus and discipline", the exact keys he used to ein the Duke League as head of Warriors.

What about Gomen? According to sources close to the coach, he already has some proposals from big clubs in the Zarblese League, but has not made any decision yet. Let's wait and see which team he will coach in the next DL.

As for the 2 games left to finish the qualify, Zarbli will be coached by Gomen's assistant manager Gaius Simplisius until the end of the qualifying, when the new coach will take his place.


* Sosianis Entrenasanalis Futboldis Zarblidis (Zarblese International Football Assossiation)

[Septentrionia]

And we close these qualifiers with Matchday 18 scores

[Aguazul]

La Verdad

We score five goals

The national football team set a team high by scoring five goals against The Ursine Northlands. "Count 'em!" exclaimed General Carlos Lopez, staring down at several outstretched fingers. "Or, you know, don't. Five, it's a lot." With the hosts scoring four, it was also Aguazul's highest scoring game in ninety minutes.

The hosts' performance of the harrdiharr seemed to inspire them to score an early goal, through Errmintrra o RedSun. The veteran forward received a pass from winger Harrla SalmonCatcher, and thundered past Chago Villalobos to score. Aguazul quickly pulled level through Gunsedal Cisneros, who evaded Urrsa o RedSun to score.

The Ursine Northlands' admittedly unimpressive defense features two pairs of twin sisters, both of who play well together; Aguazul needed to shake their rhythm before progressing further. This was helped somewhat when Sarra o Urrseorn and Rubén Saavedra collided in minute 26; while neither were injured, Emilio Guaman was able to slip between o Urrseorn and her sister Marra and score shortly afterwards. The Ursine Northlands compensated by passing the ball among their many attacking players, culminating in a Aderha o Morrtharhn goal shortly before halftime.

They took their only lead through SalmonCatcher, with Anbessa Unzues barely attempting to defend on the goal. Sergio Bustamante, however, helped swing the momentum back towards Aguazul. "Sergio's been around from the beginning and he's seen a lot," praised manager Cristian Delgado. "For some of the younger players, the away games can be a little...overstimulating, but Sergio's helping with the transition." The midfielder scored in minute 61.

Elga Thuleann sent the ball out of play after a later Saavedra attempt, and he took the corner kick. Aguazul's defenders came up, and Olivar Bravo headed it in for his first international goal, giving Aguazul the lead. Seven minutes later, Alvaro Sáez recorded Aguazul's final goal of the qualifiers. By that time, Tomás Ceballos had entered in goal; o Morrtharhn would send him the wrong way almost before she shot for a goal shortly before the end of the game.

"They're ursine, this team," remarked Beto between the two beers he had bought for the price of one. "Dunno if that makes a difference for this, though. Nine goals, that's just awesome." Delgado merrily described it as "exciting football for its own sake," without the need to worry about other teams' results. "I've missed that."

[Jeruselem]

The Jeruselem and Jeru FC team at a nightclub owned by the Dallas family. Willy Wonky hits on Princess Helena ...

Willy: Hey Princess.
Helena: Oh, it's you again.
Willy: This is a great party, all these girls and cheap drink!
Helena: I'm glad you're having a good time then.

Willy: Pity most of the girls them aren't single.
Helena: I dunno, there's quite a few single women here.
Willy: They don't want to talk to me though.
Helena: They have standards, there's plenty of single idiots around here.

Willy: There's only one winning girl here.
Helena: You are persistent Willy, which I guess is a good thing or bad.
Willy: I'm here for a good time.
Helena: Look at all those strippers! Pick one Willy.

Willy: I only insist on high class women!
Helena: Yeah sure, there's plenty on offer here.
Willy: I insist on the best, you know.
Helena: OK, I've got the girl for you today. This is ... Ginn.

Willy: Heya Ginn!
Helena: Look, redhead ... and she looks a bit like me. She likes to have fun too. And the best thing, she's not fussy who she sleeps with as long they aren't dickheads.
Willy: Some people call me dickhead, well lots ... well ... a lot of people!
Helena: Doesn't matter, you're here for a good time. Ginn knows a good time.

Willy: I guess I can't be too picky.
Helena: Don't worry about money, I'm paying for this party.
Ginn: Don't you worry Willy, you'll be a happy man today.
Helena: Now, off you go. Just have fun.

Ginn: I'll make sure Willy has a great time Princess.
Willy: YAY

<Later>

Ailill: Yo, where's Willy gone?
Helena: I lined a girl up for him today.
Ailill: I thought he was passed out outside or something.
Helena: He'll be OK, I've got one of my best girls taking care of him.

Ailill: You seem to know her well.
Helena: Well, she went to same school as me ...
Ailill: Actually you seem to know a lot of the girls around this place.
Helena: It's a small world Ailill.

Sam: Hello ...
Ailill: If it isn't mum-to-be Sam Sallad.
Helena: Growing fatter every moment.
Sam: Yeah, I know.

Ailill: Where's your clothes?
Sam: I just finished from work.
Helena: Nudity is fine her, it's a strip club anyway.
Ailill: The boys love this place.

Sam: I noticed that Ailill.
Helena: Well, some of the Jeruselem team used to work here anyway.
Ailill: Even your two Nuns are here.
Helena: I dunno, I wouldn't call them real Nuns.

Ailill: I love these parties, you meet lots of new people. Where's your Henry?
Sam: He's just feeding the strippers more money, but that's fine.
Helena: Dazza used to work in places like this.
Ailill: She must have been popular.

Sam: Helena's pretty good on the pole!
Helena: Thanks Sam ...
Ailill: No wonder Willy thinks you're so cool.
Sam: I'm bloody hopeless myself.

[Somewhereistonia]

Somesport.som

Renário fired by BSA

Following the failure to take Somewhereistonia to their second world cup, and a disappointing Cup of Harmony performance, Eagles manager; Renário has been fired with immediate effect. Assistant Manager José Marín has been appointed as interim manager until a full replacement is found and is likely to remain as assistant manager following the appointment of a new head coach.

Whilst Qasarian City manager, Aleksandr Roždestvenskij has already been suggested as a possible replacement for Renário (having already had an interview), the BSA has stated that "we are fully open to applications for the post of Manager of the Somewhereistonian National Football Team".

[OOC: Yes, this means that you can tg me with applications]

[Candelaria And Marquez]

“…ave indeed qualified for their tenth straight World Cup finals following a comprehensive victory over Group Two whipping boys Kazzoria. The Big Blues are believed to have subsequently fled the war-torn republic under the cover of darkness and will be returning to the Candelarias via Warkus sometime tomorrow lunchtime, but celebrations upon their arrival will undoubtedly be muted with what most Candelariasians were anticipating to be a routine campaign becoming decidedly dicey following a mid-qualifying collapse in form.

“For, while the trip back from the rising sporting region of Ebyria may be becoming increasingly familiar for Carlos Panadero and his side, the manager’s expected line-up for the World Cup opener remains anything but certain. If the last three games are anything to go by, the much-vaunted experimentation with a strikerless formation appears dead in the water, with Gabriel Macanás now looking more than likely to finally secure a regular starting spot following his hat-trick against the Pretty Awesome Persons and well-taken strike from distance in Cordian this afternoon.

“Both Jordan Hawker and Jacob Pond similarly appear to have played their way into the midfield five at the expense of Ogus Kures and twice World Cup finalist Koviljko Randjelovic. The Green Island native Pond in particular is widely perceived to have risen to the occasion, repaying Panadero’s faith in him on the left with a brace against Kazzoria an–”

“Still looked proper average,” said Dave, who was a security guard. “Apparently.”

“What, your guy Pond?”

“Nah, all of ‘em. What’s four-nil against Kazzoria, when all’s said and done? That’s not going to worry anyone, is it?”

“Guess not,” said Ht-Fz, who was also a security guard.

The security guards guarded for a bit.

“…any pundits still believe that Panadero’s late conversion back to one up front, with the supple skills of the retired Danny Adams replaced by the towering presence of the Marquezian Macanás, is still just a red herring; with the manager thought to be unconvinced that his own former protégé at Arrigo Portuguese is truly likely to worry the World Cup’s most experienced defences. Much may depend on whether the thirty year-old receives further outings in the dead rubber against Steroga and forthcoming friendly with the Babbage Islands, with Panadero clearly committed to playing both Jesse Nakatsuru and Jhanna Young despite the pair’s seemingly rising mutual antagonism. The Albrecht FC man’s initially sparkling form this season has fallen away just as Young has hit a rich vein of goalscoring, wi–”

“Made more substitute appearances than anyone else, y’know,” said Dave, who was fully human.

“What, your girl Young?”

“Nah, Macanás. Thirty-five off the bench. Thirty-two goals too, mind, which is more than Ramiro Novo ever managed. Or Tom Smith.”

“Fancy,” said Ht-Fz, who was mostly gnomish.

The human and the gnome, who were also security guards, guarded for a bit.

“…nd West Zirconia will top the group, but both Rushmori nations have secured qualification with a game to spare and join Queer Poco el Mono Ara and Peisandros in the finals, while one of Nethertopia and Pasarga, and one – or even two – of Sargossa and Pays de Horreur, will also secure qualification next week. Miceland still have a chance of making their own first finals, meanwhile, hosting Krytenia in a winner-possibly-takes-all conte–”

“Goes on a bit, doesn’t she?” said Dave, who was wearing clothes.

“What, your newsreader?”

“Aye.”

“Yeah,” said Ht-Fz, who was naked besides a strategically placed truncheon. “That’s Gordbaysian radio for you, isn’t it? They’ve got a whole load of dead air to fill…”

“Aye. ‘Specially these days,” Dave added darkly.

“Yeah.”

The naked gnome and the clothéd human guarded for a bit.

“…ack to the Big Blues, though, and questions still remain over whether Chris Stewart could be said to make a late charge into the first team following another assured performance in for the suspended Jacob Davies. The hundred-cap centre-half’s place is surely a given, but while Darren Hastings continues to make basic err–”

“What d’you you think, then?”

“What about?”

“Hastings or Stewart. Difficult call, that.”

“Yeah. Um. Don’t care, to be entirely honest.”

“No… No, suppose you wouldn’t.”

“What do you think?”

“About Hastings and Stewart? Er. I guess… I suppose…”

“Yeah…?”

“Honest t’God?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t think I care either,” said Dave, sagging slightly.

The gnome looked his colleague up and down, and then up again, with concern. “But… You’re Candelariasian!”

“We-ell… Sort of. Gordon Bay City citizen now, aren’t I?”

“Yeah, sure, but… even so…”

“S’funny, y’know? Jus’ lately, there’s been this…”

“Yeah…?”

“On wee, y’know?”

“Yeah,” said Ht-Fz, who didn’t.

“An’… This is going t’sound silly, now, but… I had this dream, right…?”

“No, Dave, not the one about the Vephrese exchange students again…”

“No… And you keep making that one sound worse than it was. Nah, this one, right, we qualified for the World Cup, yeah? As you do, right, qualified, made it there, everyone’s happy, we all sit down to watch… and then the Wurld ends.”

“The world ends?”

“The wurld, Ht. Honest t’God, the lot of it. Thynges descend from the heavens. Night turned to day. Hurricanes. Rivers of blood. And then we all died.”

“Gosh. Er. What about the World Cup? Did you win?”

“What about the…!? Ht, we died. Everyone. Everyone here, anyway. In the Candelarias, like.”

“Well, um… I’m sorry to see it affected you so much,” said Ht-Fz, who attempted to take a step back, realised that he was standing right in front of a wall, and took a step sideways instead. “You’re, um… You’re all right now, though?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dave nodded enthusiastically, the spell broken. The gnome relaxed. He hadn’t cared for the look in Dave eyes for a moment there, not one little bit.

“…ean personally, I’d still taken Aldren ahead of Gaggioli, but that’s clearly not the popular view these days. And don’t forget, he’s made this move to Mercia Bromham, he obviously won’t be playing domestic football again for a good couple of months until their league starts back up again, and when he does it’ll be against inferior opposition to what Aldren’s facing week-in, week-out…”

“That’s a bit harsh, Mick… Wouldn’t it actually be a positive thing to have at least one attack-minded midfielder with experience of playing overseas? ”

“You could make a case for that if you really wanted, yeah, bu–”

“On wee,” Dave repeated.

“We could just… turn it off?”

Dave’s eyes bulged. “What…? Turn off the radio?”

“Uh, yeah? Dunno why we have it on in the first place.”

“But… But how would we know who scored and stuff?” Dave protested.

“We wouldn’t, probably. So?”

“But… but…”

“Rivers of blood, Dave.”

Dave bit his lip. “Well… Alright. Gawd. Um… If you’re sure…”

“I’m really very sure, Dave.”

“I’ll um… I’ll go an’… go and switch it off, then.”

“Righto.”

“Um. Could you… could you come with me?”

With an exasperated shake of his head, the gnome pottered off after Dave down the corridor (we do like a corridor in these parts), the guards stopped guarding for a bit, and the man called Aino, on account of this being his name, swept by.

In truth, he knew, they would never have stopped him. He had a key, after all, even if it had taken him months to procure it, and everyone in Gordon Bay City knew that Lord Aino of the Kolan was a figure whose past exploits and standing within his community demanded respect. But these were difficult days for the fledgling state, and it paid to be careful. He shut the door behind him.

“Aino,” the inmate said flatly, her back still turned to him. She shouldn’t have been the first to speak, she knew, and cursed herself for it, but it had been a long time since she had had a visitor. Besides, he had to be wondering now how in the name of the gods she had known it was him without looking. That would help keep him suitably spooked.

“Sister…”

“Are these the new terms, then? Am I to be given my freedom on the anniversary of the day when our blessed land returned to the grip of the manthings and their repellent allies who you so foolishly brought upon us?”

Aino paused. “No,” he said, eventually, “No to so very much of that. For what you did, sister, there must never be a release. Not into the world outside, nor into death. Your presence here must stand as an example.”

“So the manthings have willed it?”

“So we have willed it! And do not call them that, Leohi. Those days are long passed.”

“As you wish it, Aino. And you and they are now one and the same, are you not? Brothers in arms. Humans. Candelariasians…”

“No! If we were they, you would not be here! There are many of those among the Candelariasians who wish you dead for your crimes, and many others who would have had you released by now and exiled to foreign fields, as a gesture to our people that the crimes committed by us all during the months of your Queendom are to be considered buried. But we did not wish for such a gesture. Not the nobility, nor the lesser castes… For your duplicity, a lifetime of miserable incarceration is the least than you deserve!”

“As you wish it, Aino”, Leohi repeated meekly. “Though I can only wonder at what you and your fellow nobles consider my ‘crimes’ to have been. I led you away from the nightmare realm to which our kind had been so cruelly banished by the Candelariasians themselves. I saved you all from a lifetime of servitude in the name of our decrepit Elders, I gave you a new start in a city that had always belonged to us by right! I even offered those among the Candelariasians who remained a role within the society that we would build together. Were there lies? Of course. There had to be. But it was never my intention to open our new, mortal borders to dozens of loathsome species from distant shores. Without their presence, without the treachery of you yourself, Aino, and my former mentor… I would have controlled the rebellion. I would not have needed to take such drastic actions as I did. And though I failed in that, just as I did in creating the new country beneath the sun and stars that we deserved… I would do it all again. I will never give up on restoring our people to their former glory, brother. Not until my dying breath…”

“No-one is giving up on us…”

“Truly? Then tell me of the Democratic Republic, Aino. Have our people found their utopia, alongside the Candelariasians and the Creatures?”

“There have been… compromises…”

“Does our heritage still live on? Or has it simply been protected, cosseted, as a museum piece? Do the Kolan still have their pride, brother? Or do they live a life in servitude to the Candelariasians, fearful of the foul species that stalk this city, emptying their minds with concoctions not of our world, to make the pain go away?”

“It is early days…”

“Oh, see what you have been reduced to!” Leohi shouted, turning on him angrily, “You may preach democracy, but the truth is perfectly clear!”

“Ssh, please…”

“The Kolan of Gordon Bay – all the Kolan of Gordon Bay, nobility, commoners and slaves alike – have found their place as the lowest, most wretched caste within this ‘Gordbaysian’ society! Even the camels and beans look down upon us. The Candelariasians label us as aborigines,” she continued, spitting the term, “To be pitied and patronised.”

“But Lord Makua ha–”

“Wherever Makua’s heart lies, his head is another matter entirely. He was never the sharpest among us. I kept him at arm’s length for a reason…”

“You cannot know all this… You have not been there!”

“I saw this pretty state of affairs fermenting even as they locked me away. And I am not without my resources. I know that they have taken the football team away from you…”

“It was… just a bauble. It mattered little.”

“It mattered to you. You were their captain, their leader. You led them to a World Cup, Aino! How many can say that? Such glory did you bestow upon our new land, only for them to wrest it from your grasp! The Candelariasians and the Creatures, the ruling council, they do not care about our people, Aino. Our needs, our desires… we are but an annoyance to be tolerated. Can you not see that I simply wanted to protect you from all that?”

“What is done is done, sister. There is nothing more that we ca–”

“Untrue. You lack vision, my brother, you always did. We can still take back what it ours…”

“The Candelariasians know what we are, now. They won’t be fooled again! They would never simply hand us great swathes of their land in which we could build a society on our own.”

“They would not, no. But there is always another place. Another people…”

Aino shook his head. “I understand the effect your solitude here has wrought upon your faculties, but they are gone, Leohi. You saw to that. We can never go… home.”

“Oh, you truly believe that? You accepted the forked words of the Candelariasians without question? Aino, I am truly disappointed… The most significant gateways to our former realm collapsed, that is untouchably true, but there is always another way. I alone among our kin learnt of the most secret, most ancient passageways. And our people await our return, brother. Whatever my mistakes, and those of the Elders, and your own… the Kolan should stand united. We can breathe new life into our former domain. We can revitalise our entire race. We can take our place in the worlds, free from Candelariasian interference!”

“And is that the price we must pay!? Eternity spent in the darkness, feeding on maggots? We have seen the sun, sister. We have feasted, we have ridden upon great seas of water! And now you are asking us to sacrifice all that we have found here?”

“Yes. To secure the free future of our people? Yes.”

Aino stared at her, and through her, and many minutes ticked by. Finally, he shut his eyes and turned away.

“How do we get there?”

Leohi smiled, broadly. “Fetch me a glass of water, Aino. We will go on from there…”

***

“…iscuss the matter with Brian Myers during tomorrow’s CAMRA committee meeting, given that he looks likely to be selected as the Candelariasian referee for the World Cup. I’ve also pencilled you in for a meeting with Rose Rogers at twelve, an–”

“Sorry, who…?”

John Patience sighed. “She’s on the Diversity Committee, Robert. She wishes to discuss recent incidences of homophobic abuse directed towards female players in the semi-professional divisions.”

Robert Morrison put a hand over his eyes. “Christ on a bike… Not really my sort of thing, is it? Don’t you think, what’s-his-face?, Farren, would be a better bet?”

“I’m asking you, father.”

“Yes, yes, alright… I live to serve, I’m sure…”

“And don’t you forget it,” Patience said lightly. “Now, I’ve taken the liberty of securing hotels and training facilities in both Paripana and Krytenia, we can drop whichever one necessary when the time comes, so… Oh, I need you to run your eyes over the new guidance for pregnant match officials at some point…”

“I… Really?”

“I made some additions to Miss Livermore’s earlier efforts late last night. I don’t want anything overlooked. The CAMAFA must place itself beyond all reasonable criticism wherever possible, Robert.”

“Yes, no… Absolutely…”

“I also want you to help me put together a six-man coaching squad to host a week-long series of workshops in East Lower Timonium. If you can make some suggestions as to available figures…”

“I… Yes. Probably. Um, why, John?”

“We cannot simply ignore our international duties. Our principle responsibilities are to developing the potential and safeguarding the futures of our own young players and officials, naturally, but we have a standing, father. A greater role within the international footballing community than simply turning up and playing!”

“We do?”

“We should have! You were CAMAFA President, all those years ago. But perhaps your scope was limited then…”

“I can assure you, we never had a problem with ‘scope’,” Morrison muttered.

“No… No, I suppose you didn’t. I’m living testimony to that. But… We’ve achieved great things, father, great things. Things your generation believed could only be possible with creations like me! Instead, hard work, organisation, gov–”

“Shit loads of money.”

“That as well, yes… But we can be so much more than that! We can achieve so much more than that!”

“Look, lad… I’m pleased for you. You’ve found your calling, clearly. The CAMAFA’s in safe, if… slightly unhinged, hands, that’s great. The national team’s going t’get the kind of practical support it hasn’t received for years. You’re restraining the excesses of the CMSC, that’s fine in my book too. And you’ve helped those poor children over in Green Island. Just… all these directives and guidelines and such forth? I know your heart’s in the right place, but let’s not try and run before we can walk, hm?”

“I could run before I could walk. I could deliver a pin-point cross before I could hold a fork. I could understand complex tactics before I could talk. I could… something involving pork, possibly, look… I had to watch, from my little room inside the asylum, as my would-be countrymen achieved what should have been my destiny. It almost sent me mad…”

“Never!” Morrison enthused loyally, rolling unseen eyes to the heavens.

“But now, I have a new destiny. A new role. The CAMAFA must take a position of leadership in the worlds, father…”

“Oh, lords…”

“Victory is not enough. Standing on the sidelines is not enough. Occasionally bothering to vote for stuff is not ENOUGH!. We have responsibilities! The ad hoc nature of World Cup organisation must be put to rest, and not before time. The competition is beset by too many failures. A blind eye is turned to avoidable casualties, to stadium disasters, to rioting, far, far too often! Too many nations remain untouched by the beautiful game. Too many children do not receive the opportunities of their Candelariasian cousins, or risk exploitation of a hundred kinds. A new era approaches, father! One with the CAMAFA, and Candelaria And Marquez, and, and… and me at the forefront! Here!” the President added, jamming a thick wodge of papers into Morrison’s hands.

The old man rifled through them muzzily. “Wossiss, then…?”

“Andrew Walker put it together at my behest. Plans for the dissolution of the World Cup Committee and its replacement with a new, effective, democratic World Football Federation. One in which all voices will be heard equally! A permanent base of operations in a suitable sporting city of international repute…”

“Four sporting cities, according to this,” Morrison commented dryly, flicking through the pages with rising concern.

“Naturally, the elected representatives of the member associations would need to move on a regular basis for the sake of climactic variation.”

“Ye-es… In order to get the best sun during the summer and skiing during the winter, by the looks of it… Bringing all international tournaments at any level under the WFF’s auspices? That’s a little dictatorial, don’t you think?”

“It would only be to the benefit of such competitions in the long run.”

“A thorough review of the involvement of the Holy Empire in international football? And Miceland? And Sarzonia?”

“Far too many nations have been permitted to gain an unfair advantage over their peers one way or another. The degree to which the Empire’s metaphysical doping has been overlooked over the decades is nothing short of scandalous.”

“Throwing out Jeru FC…? Alright, maybe you’ve got a point there, but… A WFF Executive Committee? A General Committee? A Congress. The World Cup Organising Committee. The Media Committee. The Security Committee. The Finance Committee. The Diversity Panel. The Committee for Ensuring Diversity Within the Make-up of the Diversity Panel… For heaven’s sake, man! The Dispute Resolution Chamber? The Doping Control Committee! The Referees Committee! The Committee for Fair Play and Social Responsibility! The Disciplinary Committee. The Goal Development Panel. The Marketing and Television Advisory Board, John…”

“A new era, father!”

“And you really think all that would make any difference? Hundreds of bloated old men sitting on a self-sufficient merry-go-round of committees and panels and boards, enjoying big dinners in plush headquarters? Walker’s playing you for a fool, man! International football doesn’t need any of this nonsense…”

Patience slumped into his office chair and placed his head on his desk. “No… No, perhaps you’re right. And it doesn’t need me, either… Does it?”

“John… I know you want to make a difference, son, I know you want to make me proud, but…”

“YOU!? You think I care about you!? I let you live because you serve my purposes, nothing more! I deserve a place of pre-eminence in the multiverse! It’s what I was created for!”

“Oh, we can all say that!” Morrison snapped, weeks without sleep finally pushing him beyond breaking point. “The rest of us have to make do with what life hands us, so should you! You’re President of the CAMAFA now, is that not enough for you?!”

“Evidently not…”

“They’ve qualified for the damned World Cup again, focus on that. Yet another bloody tournament… And there’s that friendly with the Babbage Islands coming up, you…”

“Every last detail is arranged. I saw to that myself. And no, before you ask, I did not interfere with Panadero’s team selection. If he wishes to return to his reactionary roots, play Macanás alone up front, rely on safety of Pond over the game-changing brilliance of Randjelovic… Then I must let him. But I was meant for greater things than this…”

“I know, son, I know,” Morrison yawned. “And you’ll get them. And, y’know, if we somehow go and win it again this time, well… No doubt everyone will appreciate what you’ve done at the top…”

“You sound wholly unconvinced.”

“No, I sim–”

But Morrison never got to finish that sentence, for a somewhat more dramatic series of events followed suddenly over the next few minutes.

We-ell… We think it did. But the old bugger was out cold for most of it, and that leaves the only onlookers as a genetically-engineered super-footballer with a serious screw loose and a mob of crazed Candelariasians suffering from severe goblin-induced sleep deprivation, neither of which really represent particularly reliable witnesses. There is such a thing as journalistic integrity, even in this part of the worlds. Frankly, we’re far from confident about publishing any mention of the whole ghastly business.

However, what we think happened was that Patience held up a silencing hand, marched out of his office and strutted through the meandering corridors of the CAMAFA’s Brewer Street headquarters until he confirmed the presence of flame as well as smoke. Then he ran back the way he came with a speed that would have stunned anyone around to see him, grabbed a spluttering Morrison, threw him over one shoulder, and made his way to the front gates.

What he saw – what he later said he saw – was a baying crowd, demanding that the Big Blues not be sent to the World Cup, lest darkness descend and the hatching begin.

What they saw – what those who survived the coming weeks say they saw – was a giant of a man, his garments still smouldering, march towards them, through them, and past them; stones and broken bottles rebounding off his body like a shower of ping-pong balls and jelly babies as, still tightly cradling the body of the little old man, he strode away into the Albrecht night.

Well alright, it was quite dramatic. So they say, anyway. Maybe you just had to be there.

[Alasdair I Frosticus]

"...at last! The Lair of the Invigilator! Our quest is at an end!"

"Thanks be to God!"

"I think... I think I see someone... moving dimly in the candlelight..."

"Does it look like him?"

"No, I don't think so... he seems to be wearing some sort of robe, or..."

"Welcome, Pilgrims. Welcome, Euphemia and John. I am the First Acolyte of the Invigilator. You are expected."

"Expected? And how do you know our names?"

"I serve the Invigilator. There are no secrets here. He is in all places in all times. There is nothing he does not see. No academic wrong that goes unnoticed. He is beyond time and space. But follow me. Your journey was no doubt long and arduous. Perhaps you would like some sustenance before entering into His presence?"

<clap of hands>

"His servants shall feed you now. A light meal of locally-grown organic free-range produce hand-picked by academic virgins under the light of the full moon, and served with refreshing flavoured sherbets made out of ice from these very peaks."

"We thank you..."

"Call me 'First Acolyte'. I need no other name."

"And how long have you served the Invigilator, First Acolyte?"

"My entire life, good Euphemia. I have no memory before coming to this place. All my life I have sought to do naught else but serve Him."

"Has it been difficult?"

"No, friend John. He is strict, but He is just. None need fear him if they are pure at heart. But come. Now that you have finished your repast, it is time for you to meet him."

"I'm scared, Euphemia."

"Me too, John. What if he's some... hideous monster? Some scarred and unholy thing..."

"Enter now, my friends. He awaits you..."

Euphemia Iakovido. John Lascaro. You have sought me. You have found me. Enter.

"We can't see you, sir... it's so dark."

And dark it will remain while I judge the darkness in your souls. Euphemia. You hold a secret from University.

"Yes! Yes, it's true! I once wrote a history paper for two classmates for... just two crates of beer! I admit it. I'm not proud, but I did it! I truly repent!"

And you John, what secret do you hold?

"I once told my geology lecturer that I'd ordered books on inter-library loan - and was lying! Worse, I implicated an innocent assistant librarian when she asked me who had lost my imaginary loan form! I too repent!"

You have done well to confess your academic sins to me. They were many years ago, but they hang heavy on your brow. I give you absolution.

"But there's something else we must ask you about..."

I know. Will I captain your World Cup 51 team. And yes, I will. Yes, I will join the Great Eon, Minimus Sin, Edson the Reality Hunter and the others on this field of play. But first, I must moderate this large pile of second year archaeology data processing assessments. Go now. I shall join your team in due course.


<later>

"He didn't look like a football star..."

"I know, John. Early forties; terribly, terribly slim; thinning on top; wears glasses - appears a bit pale and drawn. Are you sure HEFA, SBIS and ISPI know what they're doing with this one?"

"All I know, Euphemia, is that for whatever reason, he strikes a greater terror into the hearts of billions than even Great Cthulhu - and that has to be worth something...."

[The Archregimancy]

OOC - for fair RP attribution... below is adapted from: http://www.oca.org/news/2168

The Monastic Times

Episcopal Assembly of Canonical Sporting Orthodox Hierarchs of the Archregimancy issues message, ends with the celebration of the Divine Liturgy

By Fr. Nicholas the Scribe

The Episcopal Assembly of Canonical Sporting Orthodox Hierarchs of the Archregimancy closed with the celebration of the Divine Liturgy at the Greatest Lavra here on Friday morning, following the Archregimancy's qualification for the finals of World Cup 51.

His Beatitude, Metropolitan Jonah of New Nicea, and several diocesan and auxiliary bishops of the Orthodox Church of the Holy Empire, were among the hierarchs who communed at the Divine Liturgy celebrated by Metropolitan Mark of the Greatest Lavra.

Assembly sessions came to a close on Thursday afternoon with the signing of a statement by the sixty-some hierarchs, the text of which reads as follows.



Episcopal Assembly of Canonical Sporting Orthodox Hierarchs of the Archregimancy

MESSAGE

We glorify the name of the Triune God for gathering us at this Episcopal Assembly in response to the qualification of the Archregimancy, at the invitation of His All Holiness the Patriarch of the Holy Empire.

Gathered together in the joy of the Feast of Pentecost, we humbly recognize our calling, in our unworthiness, to serve as instruments and disciples of the Paraclete, who “holds together the whole institution of the Church” (Hymn of Vespers of Pentecost).

We honor and express gratitude to the Primates and Representatives of the OCHE who assembled at the Ecumenical Patriarchate fto affirm their “unswerving position and obligation to safeguard the participation of the Archregimancy in international sport” and emphasized their will and “desire for the recognition of the Archregimancy's unique place in Orthodox monasticism and international sporting participation that has arisen from historical circumstances and pastoral requirements”

We call to mind those who envisioned this participation and strove to transcend the canonical irregularities that some believed had resulted therefrom, resulting for many reasons, including the interaction with geographically overlapping Orthodox jurisdictions in Ordinary Reality. For, just as the Lord in the Divine Eucharist is “broken and distributed, but not divided” (Divine Liturgy of St. John Chrysostom), so also His Body comprises many members, while constituting His One Church.

We are grateful for the gift that we have been able to share via the Archregimancy's footballing endeavours, and we are inspired by our leaders in the Holy Synods of the Archregimancy and the OCHE, who proposed that which we continue to participate in the World Cup. We are also grateful that they established a fundamental process toward a canonical direction for the team and resolution of all irregularities that result from our Monastic Republic's sporting activity.

We are thankful to almighty God for the growth of Orthodoxy, for the preservation of our traditions, and for the influence of our communities in this region and in Ordinary Reality. This is indeed a miracle and a mystery.

During our gathering, and in accordance with the rules of operation of Episcopal Assemblies promulgated by the Fourth Pre-Conciliar Conference of the OCHE, we established:

1. A registry of canonical monasteries that have supplied players to the football squad in the past (Article 6.1)

2. A committee to determine the canonical status of local communities in Ordinary Reality that have no reference to the Most Holy Autocephalous Churches (Article 6.2)

3. A registry of canonical clergy in Ordinary Reality who have interacted with our football squad (Article 6.3)

4. Committees to undertake the work of the Assembly, among others including liturgical, pastoral, financial, educational, ecumenical, and legal issues arising from football matches against heretical Ordinary Reality nations(Articles 11 and 12)

5. A committee to plan for the recognition of the Orthodox we encounter a canonical basis (Article 5.1).

In addition to the above, we agreed that a directory would be created and maintained by the Assembly of all canonical congregations we have encountered in Ordinary Reality.

As Orthodox Hierarchs in this blessed region, we express our resolve to adhere to and adopt the regulations proposed by the OCHE, and to do everything in our power by the grace of God to advance actions that facilitate canonical order in our land and in Ordinary Reality.

We confess our fidelity to the Apostolic Orthodox faith and pledge to promote “common action to address the pastoral needs of Orthodox living in our region and in Ordinary Reality through the medium of football” . We call upon our clergy and faithful to join us in these efforts “to safeguard and contribute to the unity of the Orthodox Church in its theological, ecclesiological, canonical, spiritual, philanthropic, educational and missionary obligations through the medium of football” as we eagerly anticipate the Holy and Great Council.

[Pays de Horreur]

“And as you can see, our patented football rehabilitation program has worked wonders.” Dr. Phrost motioned towards the Pays de Horreur World Cup squad.

“These men were once dangerous and sadistic individuals vilified and feared by the majority of the populace, now they are heroes.”

A minute smile crossed the lips of all 17 members of the squad. They were pleased with their performances. Not so much that they had changed the minds of their detractors, but they were moving closer to becoming footballing heroes and celebrities.

Although they weren’t treated like celebrities. Instead they traveled in chains, shackled to one another while the assistant coach clutched a shotgun. They weren’t allowed to use the bathroom unattended. And as for giving their autograph to fans, well, that was a code 3 violation as they were expected to maintain a pre-determined distance from non-football affiliated individuals.

“We are now entering our final stage of rehabilitation and will be able to see the full power of the technique after the group stages. By then, our 17 men should be able to ingratiate themselves back into society.”

The collective members of the Pays de Horreur science community gave a round of applause as the players shuffled off the stage, their ankles still in chains. As they clanked off the stage and were bundled back onto the grey bus with the bars on the windows and the divider separating themselves from Rene and Bob, the driver.

Dr. Phrost wasn’t the only one in attendance with an agenda. His rehabilitation through football technique had somewhat detracted from Dr. Caine’s efforts to create the perfect footballer and the doctor had sat and seethed quietly all through the seminar.

To be referred to as a mad scientist and a grave robber made Dr. Caine quite angry, and so what if in order to create the best footballer the World has ever seen you needed the greatest football mind, the most skilled feet and the perfect physique from deceased former international superstars – it didn’t make you a graverobber. At least not in his book. Instead it made you a maverick – someone willing to push the boundaries of science in order to achieve your goals.

Kevin Thorn had been his prototype and was part of Pays de Horreur’s international team for three consecutive World Cup qualifying campaigns. He had been un-officially retired after the previous tournament and had developed into quite the handy lab technician. His successor Kevin Thorn II was close to being completed, however Dr. Caine was just waiting on locating a brain. He wanted a high profile one for Thorn II.

He cleared his throat and addressed the assembly. “Ladies and gentlemen, as you may be aware it is customary for a World Cup roster to have 23 players listed. Our nation has only 17 players named. I move that we include the 6 players, in preparation for all eventualities.”
The packed auditorium fell silent. There was a quite rumbling echoing around the hall. This was after all a meeting of scientific minds and not the football association.

“Dr. Caine, please sit down.” Insisted the chairman. “If you would like to take this up with the F.A. I insist you do so at the correct time and sharpish – as the team are set to travel abroad at the end of the week.”

The team was of course in transit as the chairman spoke. They were to be his last words as Dr. Caine ushered in his monster army to eliminate the scientists. Dozens of men, whose limbs were stitched to their bodies and their hearts replaced by large pumps marched into the hall and on his instruction began to kill all those in lab coats (yes, it was peculiar that they had turned up to a conference in their lab coats, but they were scientists in a strange country).

Needless? Perhaps. But with the majority of Pays de Horreur’s scientific community in attendance, he would be one of the nation’s brightest minds, an honor which would surely guarantee him being able to persuade the F.A. Kevin Thorn II would go to the World Cup and would prove the genius of Dr. Caine to the world.

He’d clearly gone mad, but then again, who wouldn’t, spending all their time in a laboratory splicing bits and pieces of deceased human beings together.

[Sorthern Northland]

Beningrad Morning Star

World Cup qualifying ends – Bring on bagpipes

Qualifying for the fifty-first World Cup finally came to an end last night with a fairly straightforward four two home win over Shivat for Sorthern Northland. Whilst Sorthern Northland's matchday 15 qualification may have put them among a group of early qualifiers, and a seven point gap over second placed Bears Armed may mean that the Náisiúnta won the group fairly comprehensibly, World Cup 51 qualifying looks set to go down as one of the most turgid, dreary, and downright dull World Cup qualifying campaigns in Sorthern memory.

Even if memory for many a Sorthern doesn't venture back much further than having decided to pop down the local for a pint or two the night before.

Nonetheless, with the what often seems in these days of being a top ten KPB ranked nation rather simple task of qualifying complete, the nation can begin to look ahead to the World Cup finals. Tabloid newspapers can whip the collective fanbase within the nation into a frenzy of “believing” of “this is our year” hysteria. Even if for the past three World Cup Sorthern Northland has been utterly unable to cross that rocky windswept rope bridge that is the second round with any success.

Extra time against Jeru FC at 50, penalties against Sarzonia at 49, and The Holy Empire's destiny at 48. Each of those have prevented Sorthern Northland's progress from the second round at the last three tournaments. The possibility's of what it will be this time round are endless. The coming of age of Schiavonia's extremely young but supremely talented protégés will perhaps be what prevents Sorthern Northland's senior national football team reacquainting itself with the quarter-finals of the World Cup.

And that's even before injuries are factored in. Whilst the World Cup itself may still be some way away and the media still focusing on the post-qualifying friendly against The Weegies and upcoming draw for the World Cup, it won't be long until the media begins to fret over every possible tournament preventing injury the likes of Iñaki Arrigorriagakoa, Francisco Manuel Sánchez Garciá, Will Hooper or Siobhan Ní hÓgáin could be on the receiving end of.

For now though, the focus is on that friendly against The Weegies. Dubbed the 80 Shilling Trophy , a rather large piss-up is expected to celebrate the upcoming World Cup. Though with confusion abounding in the SNFA whether or the not the friendly has actually been arranged with the body within the WCC responsible for confirming friendly fixtures there is always the chance that a rather large piss-up can be expected just for the sake of it.

Nonetheless, manager Caio Meback has promised to test a new tactic out should the match go ahead. It would appear though that he is looking to keep the details of said tactic under wraps until the last possible moment. Question asked about it thus far have been met only by Meback shouting “BRING ON THE BAGPIPES!” in reply.

If it'll get a quarter-final place, Sorthern Northland may well agree to BRING ON THE BAGPIPES!

[Unitopolis]

So, qualification for the 51st World Cup is over, and, as expected, Unitopolis have failed to qualify. What wasn't expected was that we would finish fifth, following an incredible 8 game unbeaten streak. There were highs and there were lows, some of which we will go over below.

Highs:

Aleksandr Zukov, formerly manager of Ventspil Bluewings, is appointed manager of the national side, and signs an £87,500-a-year 3-year contract with the UFA. Zukov comes with experience and an impressive reputation

Unitopolis 0 - 0 Archregimancy: Unitopolis eke out a goalless draw with 16th in the world Archregimancy, thanks to a spectacular performance from the defence.

Unitopolis finish fifth out of ten, above higher ranked teams such as Brightonburg and Westmeadow Tavern

Lows:

A 1 - 1 draw with Toy Toy (ranked 285th in the world) means the UFA have no option but to sack Jack Beade. Beade soon finds a job with Elesbury FC (Cantwenic).

A 4 - 1 loss to Landau institute ends Aleksandr Zukov's 8-match unbeaten start.

Results

Westmeadow Tavern 1 - 1 Unitopolis: Corenhinho '77
Unitopolis 0 - 1 Kulverint
The Archregimancy 3 - 1 Unitopolis : Joliano '16
Brightonburg 1 - 2 Unitopolis: Corenhinho '50, Hutsa '87
Unitopolis 1 - 2 Hillpiece: Corenhinho '81
Toyur 2 - 1 Unitopolis: Van Muir '35
Unitopolis 1 - 1 Toy Toy: Joliano '70
Landau institute 5 - 3 Unitopolis: Corenhinho '21, '43, Aldé '81
Unitopolis 1 - 0 Kill and Death: Boyde '21
Unitopolis 3 - 3 Westmeadow Tavern: Flawsley '8, Scanlon '19, Van Muir '87
Kulverint 1 - 2 Unitopolis: Corenhinho '49, Hutsa '57
Unitopolis 0 - 0 The Archregimancy
Unitopolis 0 - 0 Brightonburg
Hillpiece 2 - 2 Unitopolis: Hutsa '16, Joliano '79
Unitopolis 1 - 0 Toyur: Hunt '83
Toy Toy 0 - 1 Unitopolis: Denzostropok '39
Unitopolis 1 - 4 Landau institute: Corenhinho '90
Kill and Death 2 - 2 Unitopolis: Adalykin '44, Olombo '59

Scorers Charts

1. Corenhinho..........................7 goals
2. Giuseppe Joliano...................3 goals
3. Kenil Hutsa..........................3 goals
4. Rob Van Muir .......................2 goals
5. Eric Aldé.............................1 goal
6. Jon Boyde............................1 goal
7. Seán Flawsley .......................1 goal
8. Dermot Scanlon.....................1 goal
9. Vladimir Denzostropok.............1 goal
10. Dmitri Adalykin ...................1 goal
11. Joseph Olombo ...................1 goal

[Queer Poco el Mono Ara]

“Tell me everything you know about Chrysler Sodje.” The detective slammed his palm on the desk. The slender gentleman before him didn’t flinch. He looked as if he hadn’t slept in days or changed his clothes. His three day old stubble was rough on his face and cast a dark shadow. His breath was ungodly, he hadn’t been allowed home in quite some time and the questioning he came under from the Belle-Isle Police Department had been never ending.

“I’m going to ask you one more time. Tell me everything you know about Chrysler Sodje.”

“I don’t know shit man.”

The detective slammed his palm on the desk once again. He looked annoyed, he’d been at this for days now and was getting nowhere.

“Get this mother fucker a coffee and a stick of gum.” He instructed one of the deputies.

The man’s face contorted as he drank from the polystyrene cup. The coffee was bitter and cheap. He’d long since run out of cigarettes so motioned to the deputy to see if he could spare a cigarette. The deputy slid one out of his pack and gave it to him, the pair never exchanged words. All this happened with the detective with his back to them, looking out of the window onto the car park at the back of the station. The man flicked his lighter open and went to light the cigarette but before he could do so the detective spun and snatched the white stick from between his lips.

“You tell me what you know first.”

“I’ve told you already. I don’t know shit. I don’t know who the fuck Chrysler Sodje is. I’ve never even heard of the motherfucker.” He became quite agitated as the words spilled forth, slowly becoming more vitriolic. “Now for the love of God, will you let me go home and take a shit in my own bathroom.”

The detective smashed the cigarette into the top of the desk, squashing it into an un-smoke-able mess.

“I’ve had enough of this clown. Get him out of here.”

---

Chrysler Sodje? That’s not even his real name. It’s a pseudonym and if I gave him up, he’d have my head on a platter. He’s responsible for some of the most atrocious acts of violence the country has seen. Oh, he never perpetrated them himself, but he had people and he knows people.

I’ve never even met him face to face, but I’ve heard of him. I just hope he hasn’t heard of me.
---

4 Months Earlier

“I’ll tell you a good way to make some money. If Queer Poco el Mono Ara wins the Cup of Harmony bid, you steal all the balls and ransom them back to the F.A. Without the balls they can’t play the matches and the CoH can’t go on.”

Quite how this bunch of misfits had stumbled across one another in this bar was by unsure. Whether it was by coincidence or by design their fate had been thrown together. Now they were listening to the ramblings of a drunkard who reckoned he had a money making scheme beyond compare. He’d also gathered the five of them together, but had become inebriated throughout the course of the evening, necking several gin and tonics before they had arrived.

“And how do you propose we steal 150 plus official match balls?”

“That’s the easy part. Make the swoop on a poorly guarded liner. Then send a ransom to the Chairman of the F.A.”

“How much do you think they’d pay to get all the balls back?”

“Hundreds of thousands. They’d be desperate just to get them back and stop the cup going tits up.”

“So now we just need to hope that we win the Cup of Harmony bid.”

“Ha, yeah, and we’ve got plenty of time to plan what we’d buy.”

The odd group was made up of 5 petty criminals. Horace Lovelace, Kenneth Rodriguez, Simon Marlybone, John Williams and Friar Edward Kitchner (he wasn’t really in the clergy, it was a character he’d been doing for quite some time and become far too comfortable.)

“Can you believe we’re going to the World Cup?” said Rodriguez.

“Yeah, we’ll get to that later. How come your telling us all this?” Marlybone quizzed the mystery man who had assembled the five of them together.

“My employer thinks you 5 are the best men for the job.”

They looked around one another, unaware of each others criminal past, but nodded quite contentedly when they thought that they had become notorious for some reason or another.

“And who do you work for?” the friar stared at the mystery man.

“Have you heard of Chrysler Sodje?”

---

The Whites squeezed past their final opposition of qualifying, beating Swilatia 1-0. The solitary goal of the game came for Enrico Dosenna in the first half hour when the striker found space inside the six yard box after brushing off his marker to slide the ball beyond the keeper.

QPeMA now face three S’s in their World Cup warm up. Firstly they play Starblaydia in the 3rd place play off match for the Mike Sarzo Memorial Trophy, then they face Rushmore neighbors Sargossa and Somewhereistonia.

Coach Joe Hamburgstein will be hoping wins are on the cards for The Whites before they head into their first ever World Cup.