The Bastard Mentor from Hell

[United Gordonopia]

The Bastard II Mentor from HELL!
Year 1 - Volume 1
Brownshirted
By: United Gordonopia - Bastard Mod alter-ego "Untersturmführer Gordonopia"

16:10 <Jenreich> Ein Volk! Ein Reich! Ein Roleplay!
16:10 <UG> Heil Jenreich!  Purify the roleplay!
16:11 <Jenreich> Now go, instruments of the site!  Go and purify our great roleplay so that we may 
                 return to the glory of old!
16:12 *** UG quit (Signed off)

A new day is dawning on International Incidents forum. Today, our great Führer Jenreich has succeeded in creating the II Mentors, the moderators of roleplay. With our new brown names, I and my comrades will bring purity to the chaotic roleplay of this site by whatever means necessary.

As I enter the forum I am pleased to see that the familiar green circle of the II forum is now a light blue, signifying that I have access to Mentor Party Headquarters. After checking the headquarters for any announcements, I quickly head to the forum where my work is waiting. Almost immediately, I find a post entitled "Anyone want war" that nearly causes me to enter into a screaming rage; thankfully, my training has taught me that we must keep an appearance of patience so that the luser masses do not reject us on the spot.

Sup, im new hear. Any1 wanna do a war?

Straightening my party armband, I set to work writing a telegram.

To our newest Luser, the Kingdom of Anglica,

Have you not heard of writing conventions? Does the word 'grammar' mean nothing to you? Do you know how to articulate a full sentence without resorting to text-messaging language, which we know as Newfag Speak on this glorious site?

Were it not for the fact that you refrained from resorting to Communism as your choice of government, unlike so many of your brethren, I would have had you sent to the camps for moderation deletion immediately. However, you are fortunate that I have taken mercy on you. In fact, I have chosen to to a roleplay with you.

Within the hour, I shall have the opening post for this roleplay up. It shall revolve around the magnificent rise of the Fascist Party in your nation, which will propel your inferior people to a place among the respected nations of the NS World.

In order for you to participate, however, you will need to remember the site's new rules for roleplaying, lest I decide to change my mind and have you carted away. Remember, this is the only method of roleplaying accepted on this site.

1 - All posts must be written with proper grammar and spell-checked using a word processor.
2 - No post may have a word count below 750. Out of Character notes to not count towards this total.
3 - All detail in a scene must be elaborated upon so that any well-educated reader is able to visualize the scene correctly.
4 - Any material deemed to be objectionable by either a Forum Moderator or an International Incidents Mentor will be deleted on the spot and will result in appropriate punishment.

With your cooperation, we can purify the roleplaying if NationStates

Satisfied with my short message, I returned to my patrol. After voicing approval of the 14th edition of the Mandatory International Incidents Grammar and Syntax Guide, I found that I had a telegram in my inbox.

The Kingdom of Anglica (seconds ago)

That would be great! I can't wait to get some training from an experienced player like you. Whatever you need me to do, I'm willing to play along.

From,
Anglica

P.S. I used spell check

Damn emoticons; the scourge of true roleplayers everywhere. No matter, those are beaten out of lusers fairly easily. I am intrigued, however, by this new luser's enthusiasm. He seems almost happy to be brought into the fold. Someday, he may be useful.

After a quick 45 minute grind, I have a post complete. I quickly check my flawless spelling, just to be sure, before running it through word count; 1,567 total. Adequate.

I copy and paste my work into the forum before resuming my patrol once again. A few communist nations crushed under my jackboot here, a 'Democratic Socialist' blacklisted there, and then I return to Headquarters. Now, it's only a matter of waiting for this Anglica to report for the roleplay as I remove the lint from my carefully ironed uniform. Another day, another luser brought into the party.


~Untersturmführer Gordonopia
~Goosestepping Purifier of the Roleplaying Forums
~Bastard II Mentor... from Hell

---

DISCLAIMER: All names and personalities in this post are intended for parody and the content of it should not be taken literally. This thread is intended to be a place for myself and my fellow mentors to get a bit creative by writing alter egos all while letting frustrations out harmlessly through humor. If you have a Basterd Luser post or something such as that, please give it its own thread.

[United Gordonopia]

I was bored. Yes, I am bringing this back. Don't know if I'll keep it up, though

---

The Bastard II Mentor from HELL!
Year 2 - Volume 1
Capitalizm
By: United Gordonopia - Bastard Mod alter-ego "Untersturmführer Gordonopia"

Free market. Pah. Give me some forced labor and self-sufficiency over that laissez-faire rabble any day.

Nevertheless, I can't deny that I have a bit of a soft spot for peddling my wares to the other lusers, the ones not part of the master RPing race. I love the look on their faces when they realize that Gordonopian goods have filled every corner of their feeble nations, suffocating their own corporations under an ocean of industrial might.

Perhaps that is what drew me into Global Economics and Trade in the first place. Hell, my cutthroat mercantilism may have been what bought me admission into Mentor Party in the first place. Well, that and the fact that I look absolutely dashing in the armband.

Of course, my fetish for business also makes me one of the chosen few who must wade through the marketplace's muck. Woe is the Mentor's Burden.

'Gunz 4 Sale?'

Purged. Get your 'Xtreme Kool Letterz' out of my forum. Numbers instead of letters? Are they even aware that they need to be 13 to access the forums? Scratch that, even a 13 year old isn't yet out of that hellhole they call middle-school.

'Buy invincible shields here (MT)'

Well, at least they managed proper grammar. Even put the time into writing a Star Trek-worthy explanation of how the damn things are supposed to work. Of course, the appearance of adherence to the Official Guidelines for the Creation of a NationStates Storefront - 4th Edition (written by myself, of course), does not mean that a luser has avoided the most grievous error of all.

Godmodding.

Oh how I loathe that word.

Of course, with my pure roleplayinging blood, I knew from my nation's creation that a forcefield had no place in Modern Technology role playing, but I would have at least expected this luser to have grasped the concept by now. Their nation was a year old, after all.

Well, at least they had made the effort to stay away from Future Technology. Nearly as bad as the ponies. It was a shame to have to exterminate a luser that had at least put a modicum of effort into creating their first storefront, even if it was impure...

Wait, I cannot let myself get soft. I must move forward with my mission. For provoking this distraction, this luser will pay dearly.

Cracking my knuckles, I set about writing a telegram to the new luser.

To The Republic of Azhuria,

It has come to my attention that you have chosen to post a 'storefront' entitled "Buy invincible shields here (MT)" in the Global Economics and Trade sub-forum. While you may have put some effort into it, I am obligated to inform you that you have strayed from established storefront conventions in your creation, specifically section four of the Official Guidelines for the Creation of a NationStates Storefront - 4th Edition pertaining to 'Godmodding'.

I have taken the liberty of drafting a sample layout to help you avoid this problem in the future. Please copy and paste the following into the pertinent sections of your opening post, removing spaces within tags of course.

Main Header: [img ]http://ugfactbook.com/images/1244[ /img]

Introduction: [floatright ][img ]http://ugfactbook.com/images/1245[ /img][ /floatright]The Republic of Azhuria has worked hard to develop...

It is only censorship if they do not think we are helping them. Besides, I am simply facilitating the poor bastard's liquidation from the site, which would have inevitably happened had they continued with their foolish path. Once a godmodder, always a godmodder.

My heart leaped when I received the reply.

The Republic of Azhuria (seconds ago)

Awesome! I'm so thankful that someone like you actually took the time to help me out! I put a lot of time into that storefront, but I'm sure your layout and copy changes will help it out a lot. I really enjoyed your guide, by the way. Must have missed that section.

Hook, line, and sinker. If he had really read the guide, he would have evaded my trap. Always host your own images. It was only a matter of changing a few links on my offsite domain.

You are now entering the official headquarters of the Mentor Party. Heil Jenreich! -Topic by UG - 
January 11, 2012, 00:15
8:01 <UG> Jenreich
8:05 <Jenreich> Ja?
8:06 <UG> Check Global Economics and Trade. It seems we have a porn spammer. First thread.
8:06 <Jenreich> Excellent work UG. Another item to add to your recommendation for the Order of Max.
8:07 <UG> Ein Volk! Ein Reich! Ein Roleplay! Heil Jenreich!
8:07 *** UG quit (Signed off)

~Untersturmführer Gordonopia
~Goosestepping Purifier of the Roleplaying Forums
~Bastard II Mentor... from Hell

---

DISCLAIMER: All names and personalities in this post are intended for parody and the content of it should not be taken literally. This thread is intended to be a place for myself and my fellow mentors to get a bit creative by writing alter egos all while letting frustrations out harmlessly through humor. If you have a Basterd Luser post or something such as that, please give it its own thread.

[United Gordonopia]

The Bastard II Mentor from HELL!
Year 3 - Volume 1
New Blood
By: United Gordonopia - Bastard Mentor alter-ego "Untersturmführer Gordonopia"

You are now entering the official headquarters of the Mentor Party. Heil Jenreich! Free Baguettes are for the weak!
Topic by UG - December 3, 2013, 17:22
8:01 *** Reploid_Seductions joined #nsmentors
8:01 <Reploid_Seductions> RP lusers, I'm afraid a shipment of your brown armbands were... mistakenly delivered to some of those, erm, people, over in Path to the Cosmos. Have fun with that.
8:01 *** Reploid_Seductions quit ("Oh no officer, I didn't even get the chance to meet him yet")
8:02 <Jenreich> Well...
8:02 <UG> Jenrich...
8:03 <Malformia> Jenreich...
8:03 <Chairman_Minnow> Jenreich... what is this... I don't...
8:03 *** Lil_Knight has joined #nsmentors
8:03 <Lil_Knight> Hey there!!!!! Hows it going!!!!! Look forward to working with you guys, even if our RPs are totally different!!! Cool lounge! So I like, I dunno, magic, and adventuring...
8:04 *** UG quit (Signed off)
8:04 *** Malformia quit (Signed off)
8:04 *** Chairman_Minnow ("I promise guys, Gameplay is just a hobby")

How could she do this. She's a bastard, no doubt, but we are the chosen people of the site, the Roleplayers of II. Or at least those of us in the Party are.

That short exchange had me fuming. The fact that we had to share the title of Mentor with lusers that other forum; they didn't even make the best effort to ensure that each nation's population was properly accounted for! How else would those who had been year for years win every confrontation, like Max intended?!? Instead, they just... roleplayed. None of the hours poured into designing an ORBAT to make your comrades jelous, none of the days spent perfecting a factbook so that you could begin a roleplay, none of the strictly mandated minimum word counts that made II such a pure experience! How could they have any fun?

Yet the mistress of DEAT had thrown us in with that lot, and now it couldn't be undone. Not even Jenreich could turn back the clock. We would have to deal with them.

After spending a few hours combing through every last word of several new lusers' posts to ensure strict adherence to Sections 1, 4, and 6 of Jenreich's Wilkomen: The Official and Only Proper Style Guide for Roleplaying in International Incidents, 3rd Ed. (every one of them was purged, of course), I felt that I had calmed down enough to try and approach the newcomers.

This wouldn't be easy, but it had to be done.

You are now entering the official headquarters of the Mentor Party. Heil Jenreich! Free Baguettes are for the weak!
Topic by UG - December 3, 2013, 17:22
11:46 *** UG joined #nsmentors
11:46 <Lil_Knight> Oh, hey there! You're back! o/
11:46 <G-Tick> Hey
11:47 <UG> Wait, haven't I seen you before?

I had, hadn't I. That second one, G-Tick... he was an FTer... nowhere near the pure, refined roleplay of MT, of course, but it certainly deserved a place even in II.

11:48 <G-Tick> Probably in some of the FT threads over in II, yeah. Mostly over here in the PttC these days, though.
11:48 <UG> Why?!?
11:49 <G-Tick> I mean, I like the fact that you build a new world every time. Makes it kind of exciting.
11:49 <UG> Wait... by build, do you mean?
11:50 <G-Tick> Yes, like you flesh out a new universe for every Roleplay. And they last for pages. And pages. And pages. And then you make a new one, or spend the time coming up with another one at the same time.
11:50 <UG> That sounds...
11:50 <G-Tick> Kinda cool, right?
11:51 <UG> I guess... in a way
11:52 <Lil_Knight> Oh, hey, UG

I had forgotten about that one.

11:53 <UG> Yes?
11:53 <Lil_Knight> So when we get lusers asking for our advice on crafting a great OP, does this seem like a good reply to you?

Be sure to have a really big form. Also a big map, the map is very important. Did I forget to say that the signup form needs to be long? Don't want to miss anything! Who knows when you'll need to know your character's blood type or Grandmother's maiden name! Here's a great example:

General Information
Name:
Sex:
Country of Origin:
Family Tree (Four Generations Minimum):
Eye Color:
Height:
Weight:
Daily Caloric Consumption:
Dietary Restrictions:
Blood Type (Don't forget RhD!):
Chronic Health Issues:
Back Story (At least 750 Words, please):
Handdrawn Image or Top to Bottom Physical Description:

(continued)

11:54 <UG> My god... the paperwork... its-
11:55 <Lil_Knight> Too much?
11:55 <UG> No... its beautiful. Do they have to fill this out for every roleplay?
11:56 <G-Tick> Oh god no. That's just a sample for an absolute beginner. The bare minimum. No, a decent roleplay needs a lot more than that.
11:56 <UG> And if they don't do it? Like if they just try to jump into your closed roleplay?
11:57 <Lil_Knight> Well, they usually don't...
11:57 <UG> But I mean, if it happens
11:58 *Lil_Knight looks at G-Tick
11:58 *G-Tick looks at Lil_Knight
11:58 <Lil_Knight> Purge
11:58 <G-Tick> Purge

Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all...


~Untersturmführer Gordonopia
~Goosestepping Purifier of the Roleplaying Forums
~Bastard II Mentor... from Hell

---

DISCLAIMER: All names and personalities in this post are intended for parody and the content of it should not be taken literally. This thread is intended to be a place for myself and my fellow mentors (if they ever decide to join in ) to get a bit creative by writing alter egos all while letting frustrations, real or imagined, out harmlessly through humor. If you have a Basterd Luser post or something such as that, please give it its own thread.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

The Bastard P2TM Mentor from HELL!
Year 1 - Volume 1
Insert Title Here
By: Nightkill the Emperor - Bastard Mentor alter-ego "Lil' Knight"

I glanced at my Internet browser with a bored expression on my face, music in the background. Google Chrome slowly loaded the NS forums to my delight, but I glanced at the side bar. A TG?

I clicked upon this TG, seeing one from Noobipore, a recently founded nation. Alright then, not sure why I'm getting a TG from this fuck ("this fuck" was my general way of referring to everyone, from family members to employers to deities), but I'll accept it. I focused my eyes on the content of the message.

hi, so i wondered if u could give me roleplay advice.

MY EYES. THEY BURN.

After I had recovered from my shock, I paused to wonder. Wait, why the fuck were they asking me for roleplay advice? I don't know anything. I just log in, make sex jokes in IC threads, and people respond to them. So why was this fuck asking me?

your a mentor, so u'd know a lot.

Oh.

I was a Mentor? When the fuck did this happen? It dawned on me that perhaps this was why I had a light green name. Oh. Things started to snap together in my mind. That's also why I could now see this new forum for Mentors only - I had wondered why only green and red coloured people posted there, but I figured that it was a ghetto like that. It was definitely a place of sin and depravity, even by my standards.

I will never forget the things that had been done on Christmas. Nobody had deserved that.

But now as the memories rose up, a dormant personality also awoke. He was now in the front and centre of my mind, a personality that I keep buried. But I cannot handle responding to this creature named Noobipore, for I refuse to believe a human could spell like that.

I have to awaken the other. Lil' Knight.

---

I suddenly found myself in control of the body, staring at the TG from this poor, unfortunate and misguided soul. Oh, but he had potential in his own way, I'm sure! Everyone has talent deep down!

Smiling, I removed the message from Nightkill in the text box where he had written "Fuck off kindly and leave me alone". I just didn't think that sort of criticism was very constructive, though I'm sure that it's helpful in some cases!

I replied back as thus:

Hi there! I'm glad that you're on NS and have chosen us as your newfound home for roleplay, it's great to have you here! I'm indeed a roleplay mentor and I'll be thrilled to help you out.

Soon after sending, I waited for a response. When I got one, it read thusly, beautiful words crafted by our aspiring writer.

well, i sorta wanted to make a gr8 academy rp like urs.

I replied to that as well:

I just don't think academy rps will attract much attention right now, though it's great you're taking inspiration from others here! It's just not very popular amongst the userbase due to overuse.

A follow-up from the potential Shakespeare (as we all have that potential in us):

but i gotta really cool idea for it. i'm gonna make a magic school rp.

Now I frowned. How best to phrase this?

I appreciate your interest, certainly - I just don't think that another academy rp will do well. Do you have any better ideas?

ok. what about a magic school rp with ponies?

Now I sighed, only slightly disappointed. Sure, this genius in the making may have some potential. But for now, it was best he didn't try to intrude upon P2TM, or not before he was ready. We had rules there, after all. I may have to take drastic actions-

---

Fuck. I was back, just for a bit. Lil' Knight was gaining control, growing in strength. Oh shit. Oh God. I tried to fight him, but it was too late, he was gaining control, God help us-

---

I blinked, shaking my head from that last profanity laden interlude. I liked my other self enough, but he had a bad habit of swearing quite a lot. I didn't entirely approve, but what could you do? He was still a great guy in his own way!

But now, time to deal with Noobipore. With some regret, I composed a final TG. And it would be final.

I'm afraid you aren't suited for P2TM. I think I have somewhere better for you, actually.

The gates of General opened, horrors and nightmares beyond.

"Should Jesus have been aborted?"
"Gays: People or Gods?"
"Why do brown people rape so much and how can we stop it?"

It may have been a bit harsh, but this may have been a good place for Noobipore to start, actually. I sent him a link to the forum, watching the new player being utterly massacred for briefly entering a religion thread and mentioning he was a Christian.

I heard my other self try to gain control, try desperately to stop this, but I clamped it down. I watched Noobipore struggle in the mass of bigotry and destruction, breaking him down from the top to bottom. He would grow from this - it built character!

I reflected upon my Mentoring efforts for the day. It was almost as good as the Christmas Event in the Mentor's forum! I'm glad that everyone was willing to clean up the corpses with me - it's that teamwork spirit that I love about the Mentors.

And I think that it's best that Nightkill take a break for now. He's overworked, obviously. I think I'll stay in control for a while.

A good long while.

[Swith Witherward]

The Bastard P2TM Mentor from HELL!
Year 1 - Volume 2
Harvest
By: Swith Witherward - Bastard Mentor alter-ego "MysSwith"

Weak winter sunlight streams through the Multiverse undeworld yet finds no purchase upon blackened and withered corner where I make my lair. Skin dander and the shed husks of dust mites glitter and swirl in the sunbeams outside my door, a reflection of my thoughts but certainly not my mood. My mood is always monochromatic and my presence heralded by a foreboding sense of malaise that only the Amanojaku to which I’m betrothed appears to be immune.

Tentacles shamble across the floor. Good demon. You’ve brought me coffee. But you are naked again. Let mama provide you with new skin. The timing is right; I have been summoned by hapless noob. When will they learn not to mess with the evil things beyond their ability to control?

I brush aside the rotting skull of an II denizen who had the misfortune to wander into my territory and I peer into the depths of the multiverse’s portal.

It’s always the same. Always. They have the answers; indeed, great tomes exist which guide them in nearly every last nuance of role play yet they seem incapable of locating anything on their own. They are little fish who have delved beyond the euphotic zone to find themselves lost and blind in the mystifying pelagic zone. My green mask is the bioluminescent lure and they, incapable of seeing all the stickied threads at the tops of forums, make their way towards me. Just keep swimming.

“O hai. I wan 2 no about faction rp.”

Are you tasty?

No, this isn’t right. How selfish of me. This morsel belongs to G-Tech. I respond with the link to my fellow mentor’s page and then ring the dinner bell by firing off a quick message to the foreboding beast. Dinner, darling. The euphoric quiver all but shatters my spine as I anticipate the Rhodesian Ridgeback’s glistening teeth flashing and latching on.

That isn’t to say that I farm everything to my fellow mentors. There are only three of us at the moment; the hunting meadows are plentiful with game and we are the infinitely patient trapdoor spiders who nest behind the green. Nightkill (how apropos a name!) is perfectly capable of feeding himself but I love him thus I throw fresh souls his way when my appetite is satiated… or when the little blind fish have truly begun to annoy me.

“Will you look over my RP and give me feedback before I put it up?”

You communicate in full sentences? Refreshing.

My obliging disposition is short-lived as the wall of text arrives in my TG box; I seriously consider succoring myself to the omnipotent [violet] to plead for shorter character limitations on these things.

Thus does my day begin and it flows in an unremitting stream of questions. Thither I come swithly in guise of nonsense verse and prose.
I am the MysSwith, the churning subconscious, the alter ego, She ̧Wh̢o ͞Ẁa̢it̛s ̕Beh͜in̸d the̕ Po̶rt̡a͞l, a͘ B҉̪̦̲̜̥á̧̭̱͉̻͖̳͚́s̻̠͓̭̥̝̫t̖̳̗̙͠a̢̛̦̺̲͟r̯̻͖͍̼̠͙͔d҉͉͍͈͢ ͝͏͕̺͚̳́M̵̨̜̥̤̲̹̘̬e̡͓̺̰̩̗̘̥͢ͅn̵̡͍̝͙͓̲̬t̝̫͎̹̩̺͉ọ͍̪̙̕ŕ͏̼̥̰̼̪̞̩ͅ


Pleased to meet you, by the way. Excuse me, but I utilize NS++; the numbers on the sidebar have changed. Someone has summoned me. My Amanojaku still needs flayed skin.

“Oh hai! I’m nu. Can u tell me about the RP training thing?”

Derisive laughter rings through my lair. Another one has slipped their head through our snare! I crawl through the portal to emerge on the hapless noob’s screen. Tainted scales coalesce into kitten whiskers and capering fennecs. My buoyant tone and seemingly incessant willingness to help suit my needs well.


☼ ¸¸.✿¨¯♥ :3 - Hi! I’m Swith, a P2TM Mentor. Welcome to Portal to the Multiverse! You’re gonna love it here! - :3 ♥¯¨✿.¸¸☼

---

DISCLAIMER: All names and personalities in this post are intended for parody and the content of it should not be taken literally unless you really wish to. I'll of course deny anything and everything that could possibly land me in trouble. In fact, I didn't even write this. I was hacked. I ran out of coffee. I had a moment of indiscretion. I didn't have enough money for therapy. The fumes from the meth lab next door got through my windows. Night made me do it. Someone stole my laptop. There was an earthquake... a terrible flood... locusts.. it's not my fault, I swear to God.