National Profile
On the top, there's a confusingly written encyclopedia entry with attempts clearly made at blacking out the sections marked "Crime", "Eco-Terrorism", "Organ Smuggling", and "Oh No, Please Tell Me We Didn't All Get Drunk And Wake Up In A Different Region Again". Between the smudged marker, a few details of the country's history and culture are still legible. Golgothastan is a nation that has been through many transitions, most notably renaming everything in the country after Sigur Ros songs in deference to President-for-Life (now “Staralfur”) Bort Chocowitz, who is constitutionally prohibited from resigning and whom the Secret Service work tirelessly to keep from escaping, as he is the only competent person in the entire country. Golgothastanis speak a mixture of English, Icelandic, Hopelandic, and completely made-up words, making them highly accessible to tourists: simply screeching in high-pitched wails will likely get you the right order at a restaurant (so long as you ordered turnip). Additionally, Golgothastanis are sporting enthusiasts: though their own teams can rarely afford to participate in international competitions, Golgothastan is extremely highly ranked in football hooliganism, and is the birthplace of many of the leading tactics in this regards, such as the “4-4-2” formation (where 4 people kick the police in the nads, 4 people tip the squad car, and 2 people get the Molotov cocktails ready).
Golgothastan is not a wealthy country, and therefore offers an affordable option for hard working football teams on a budget. Most meals come accompanied by free drinks, as do purchases at shops, visits to museums, attendances at religious services, testimonies before Congressional committee, and refills at petrol stations. Compared to foreign markets, items such as food, clothes, and 16 year old hookers can be bought very cheaply. Teams will stay at EconoHeima hotels (including a free traditional Golgothastani breakfast of fried liver, blood pudding, and mixed meat sausage) and travel around the country on the Super!! Andvari!! bus service (where they will be invited to share in a complimentary "one for the road" with their friendly driver, every four miles). The people of Golgothastan are very welcoming of foreign visitors, especially rich ones. It is strongly advised that teams and supporters considering the trip to Golgothastan take out insurance beforehand, and where possible avoid bringing expensive items such as jewelry, electronics, and children. Visitors need not worry about xenophobia, however: Golgothastanis are equal opportunities swindlers, and will take advantage of anyone, no matter their skin colour or cultural background.
Bid Format
A tourist map of the country advertising notable Golgothastani tourist attractions – their rusting, never used Olympic stadia; their art galleries and museums hosting many priceless artifacts, all of them showing up on stolen lists from foreign collections; Mount Golgothastan, the only elevation in the country, about which many locals harbour the secret fear that it is the product of a giant radioactive mole that will one day emerge to devour them all; and head shops that sell everything from glittery bongs and “Keep Out Mum and Dad!” bedroom stickers to black tar heroin and human adrenal glands – has the various stadia that will be used circled, and other details scrawled in the margins. If they manage to stay reasonably sober, the Golgothastani authorities will invite 32, 40, or 48 nations, with preference given to (in order) those actively participating, those who are not puppets, and then those needed to make up the numbers; they'll then devise a round-robin group stage leading to a single elimination Round of 16.
Guys, that's a pretty big “if”.
Hosting Experience
Among the papers are some well-worn ticket stubs that Golgothastani tourists have brought home from such competitions as the Introduction of Fire (Baptism of Fire 38), World Baseball Classic 16, World Cups of Hockey 11 & 12, the Six Nations Trophy, and some smaller tournaments, all in Quintessence of Dust, and a rather fresher photograph of two Golgothastanis grinning and doing a thumbs-up to the camera next to a blood-spattered chalk outline in a Dark Star Republic hotel room following International Basketball Championship 13. There are also newspaper clippings of the “War of the Salty Turnips” that occurred following Golgothastan's controversial foray into World Cup participation, where their players stole the Baptism of Fire trophy off Somewhereistonia and only gave it back after facing military aggression.
Technical Information
The technical details of the bid have been scrawled on the back of a takeout menu promising “authentic Groonburger cuisine”; on the inside flap is a graphic depiction of a woman and a horse engaged in an eye-wateringly biologically impossible act, intended as a charming homage to the current World Cup hosts. Golgothastan was able to purchase a “nearly new” version of xkoranate 0.3.3 that “fell off the back of a lorry”, and have tasked the actors from their knock-off sitcom “The Big Bamm Bamm Bamm Theory” with loading the highly technical SQIS formula, the post-qual KPB rankings, 5/-5 style modifiers, and a daily RP bonus plus a one-off roster bonus and a couple of other spot bonuses, to generate results – despite the actors' protestations that they really are just actors, and not literally the nuclear scientist characters they portray on the heavily laugh-tracked show.
