Elfen High 2 News Thread (Closed to EHers)

[Astrolinium]

From Doctor Who TV -- 10 September, 2020

Today we caught up with executive produce Jon LandsVille to talk about the new arrangement of the theme song that we'll be hearing come January. When asked, he said, "OH GOD, THE 80's! THE 80's ARE BACK!" and then promptly set a trash can on fire before running out of the room.

When questioned, composer Eli Manischewitz gave us an unmarked CD with this track on it.

[Nationstatelandsville]

From Doctor Who TV -- 10 September, 2020

Today we caught up with executive produce Jon LandsVille to talk about the new arrangement of the theme song that we'll be hearing come January. When asked, he said, "OH GOD, THE 80's! THE 80's ARE BACK!" and then promptly set a trash can on fire before running out of the room.

When questioned, composer Eli Manischewitz gave us an unmarked CD with this track on it.

11 September, 2020

Executive producer Jon LandsVille was located in London after a two day disappearance today. He was found inexplicably wearing rags, despite having vanished in a full suit, stating when questioned "THEY'LL NEVER FIND ME LIKE THIS!"

LandsVille was found, curled up in the empty lot that was once the Sherlock Holmes museum on 221B Baker Street, clutching a replica of the coat of the Sixth Doctor (Colin Baker), weeping blood and vomiting profusely.

He then spent the afternoon recovering at his home in Wales, before being interviewed by the BBC.

"Hide yourselves," he is quoted as saying, "He is returning."

In other news, interim showrunner A. Crowley has announced that this year's series finale will be penned by Classic Who alumni Eric Saward, and will feature both the Cybermen and the return of 80's Who villain, Sil.

[Astrolinium]

From The Washington Post -- October 4, 2027

The Great Gatsby has been removed from all high school curricula today by presidential order following research by Harvard University showing that it is now literally impossible to write anything about the book without accidentally plagiarizing someone in some form. Professor Evan Molina had this to say: "There's literally nothing left to say about the book -- we've been doing this research for four years now and we've found no new combinations of words that are able to actually pertain to the book's symbolism. I guess it's time to finally put the old girl to rest."

[Nightkill the Emperor]

New York Times, January 1st 2021

Every last copy of Catcher in the Rye was found burnt and destroyed. A. Crowley tweeted a gif of him laughing hysterically.

[Nationstatelandsville]

New York Times, January 1st 2021

Every last copy of Catcher in the Rye was found burnt and destroyed. A. Crowley tweeted a gif of him laughing hysterically.

From The Daily Show - January 2nd, 2021

Stephen Colbert, widely recognized as The Best Man, has recently announced the publication of his new book, The Rye in the Catcher.

"It's exactly what you think it is," he said, "unless you think it is what you think it is, in which case it isn't."

Colbert - a fan of the works of J.D. Salinger - has compared it to said author's works, saying "Plagiarism is relative; I have lawyers".

"I can recite The Catcher in the Rye by memory," he told The New Yorker with pride, "That was a really big help in writing this book."

Noted literary critic John Oliver is quoted as saying, "You sneaky son-of-a-bitch!"

Colbert's home state of South Carolina has announced their intention to work the book, to be published on July 16th, into their state educational curriculum. Similar measures have already been proposed in seven other states.

[Astrolinium]

Wall Street Journal, January 2nd 2021

The Salinger estate's net worth has shot up by 300% as The Catcher in the Rye returns to print following the mysterious destruction of all copies yesterday. On its first day back in stores it sold seven hundred million copies. The estate's lawyer had this to say: "Whoever did that, I want to shake his hand. He's made us all very rich, and he's put The Catcher in the Rye fresh into the minds of the public once more for years to come. God bless the internet and Project Gutenberg for preserving the text."

The estate is also preparing to launch a lawsuit against Stephen Colbert.

[Astrolinium]

From Doctor Who Magazine, November 2020

Series 12 Premiere Details!

The BBC has revealed several details about the New Year's Day premiere of Doctor Who's 12th series. The episode will be thirty minutes long, the first of four parts, and will be entitled The Salvation of the Daleks: Part 1. The episode will be penned by Jon LandsVille and will introduce Katie Leung as Sydney Linders, the Doctor's latest companion.

Asked about her character, Leung said, "I can't say much -- they've threatened to take away my mother if I do (you think I'm joking; that's adorable) -- but I can say that my character isn't exactly human. I'm very excited to be appearing in the show; we've already done filming and Rowan's an absolute delight to work with."

The special will also feature Peter Capaldi playing the Twelfth Doctor for his regeneration scene and Brian Blessed as an unnamed guest character.

[Nationstatelandsville]

From The New York Times - March 5, 2023

The Russian government announced today that Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, aged 77, has died his second death. An autopsy has suggested he died quietly in his sleep, of a heart attack caused by severe blockage in his humerus artery.

His first death occurred in 2017, during a terrorist strike in Moscow. Putin killed twenty civilians before being stopped by a tactical nuke.

Incumbent President Dmitry Medvedev delivered a teary speech to the Russian public earlier this morning, honoring Putin and hailing him as "Russia's greatest hero and my best friend".

"Vladimir is - I mean, was a great man," he said, affecting a tone that many noted was similar to that of Putin's own, "I shall miss him, as shall all Russians, whether they like it or not." This was accompanied by Medvedev tearing his podium in half and swearing violently in the language of the bears, as Putin was known to do when intimidating his foes.

Medvedev's speech, overflowing with love and adoration for Putin, lasted for three hours, breaking only so that Medvedev could take eye-drops in his personal room, citing a recently developed eye condition. However, many have noted that Medvedev returned with a fresh layer of tears on his cheek, suggesting that Putin's death had affected him more than he was willing to divulge.

Putin was a controversial figure in Russian politics, recently having come under fire for his violent enforcement Russia's strict anti-demon policies, involving Putin personally riding into a St. Petersburg protest on horseback with an oversized king chess piece. There were no survivors.

Putin had also been accused of arranging and, according to some, personally carrying out the assassination of beloved Russian demonic rights leader, Abram Blokhin, himself the son of a human father and demon mother.

"Abram's severed head was found on the Moon," said Blokhin's brother and fellow activist Mikhail last month, just tow days before his own mysterious disappearance, "The. Fucking. Moon. I don't know of anyone but [Putin] who could do that. Superman, maybe. But Superman is not real. Superman is not real."

In response to the increasingly violent strikes against Putin, he had increased his security detail greatly in the past two months.

Medvedev, whom witnesses have noticed seems to have spontaneously grown taller and more robust since Putin's death, has promised to continue Putin's policies exactly as he would have.

"Vladimir Putin was a great man," Medvedev continued, "All of you agree with that. All of you. It would be unforgivable to let Medvede- I mean, Vladimir's death get in the way of his vision. Haha, yes. Vladimir is dead. I am Medvedev. Ha."

His eyes arenoted as taking on a striking steely quality, reminiscent of Putin's, while violently swearing to continue "fucking Vlad's wife" in his memory. Many Russian political analysts are confident that Medvedev will continue on the Presidency just as Putin, who would have run for President in the coming election in Medvedev's place, would have.

"Putin is Medvedev," joked one anonymous source, who has since been arrested on charges of treason and erased from the annals of history.

Those close to Medvedev have noted that, since Putin's death, Medvedev's personal character has changed dramatically. Medvedev has reportedly taken on many of Putin's qualities, such as his cold manner, iron will, love for dramatically petting cats, and habit of referring to himself as "Vladimir Putin", likely as way of remembering his fallen ally and easing the transition to a complete Medvedev reign. It has been announced hat Putin's duties as Prime Minister will be folded into Medvedev's as the President, and that the Federal Assembly will go on a temporary respite until Medvedev (now to be referred to as "the General Secretary") has settled into his new position.

Medvedev closed the speech with an ideological assurance to the Russian people, "Putin's will will be enforced. His destiny will come to fruition. I promise you this, or my name isn't Vladimir Putin. Wait, shit. I meant Medvedev."

Medvedev then turned and returned to the presidential estate, displaying his bold fashion statement of running a zipper down his back.

"Vladimir Putin will live on in all of our hearts, minds, and suits made of human flesh," his speech says, "For some of us more literally than others."

[Nightkill the Emperor]

From The New York Times - April 2nd, 2023

The Demonic Civilisation Schools have officially been built in all American and European Hell provinces. Rick Sanchez, who helped spear-head the movement, stated that the intention of the schools is to civilise demonic culture.

"Let's face it." the ISSR commander said bluntly in his military office. The decorated veteran went on to explain. "It's been corrupted and tarnished by Azazel, which is why they were so blasé about attacking humanity- not just military, but innocent civilians, men, women and children. It was horrifying and nobody wants to repeat that." Sanchez went on to cite the demonic rebellious groups forming in many areas of Hell, which the ISSR has been fighting off from attacking human settlements.

"Ultimately, we need to coexist with demonkind. More importantly, they also need to coexist with us. I recall just after the war when some people on both sides were advocating for the genocide of the other- and they're still doing it. That has to stop."

However, some have criticised the plan, including Elfen High headmaster Aleister Crowley, who interrupted a live broadcast of CNN's interview with Rick Sanchez to proclaim it was all bullshit, before teleporting away. Mr. Crowley, who was in the middle of an orgy that this reporter was then included in, elaborated.

"That's right, harder- I personally feel that this is something that the international community must better observe - that's right, who's your daddy, bitch? - and that this has to be carefully examined. Don't just trust the military boy's words on that one."

When asked for clarification, Crowley merely scoffed in between orgasms. "Tell me, are they ever going to allow any journalists into the schools?" The ISSR is currently not allowing any journalists and reporters into the DCS, for the protection of the students.

Sanchez, upon hearing of Crowley's words, merely laughed uproariously. "Yes, do trust the centuries old sex addict magician over the decorated war veteran." he rolled his eyes. "The schools are with the best of intentions...and I promise they're much safer than Elfen High."

And that is likely an inarguable fact.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

From The BBC, April 7th, 2023,

The Prince of Nigeria, recently out of hiding, has sent billions of USD to his various supporters across the world. "I'm a man of my word." said Prince Nogo. Mr. Nogo had been hiding with his family in Hell for decades, only revealing their existence in public after the Abrahamic War. The Prince stated he had been hiding due to a vengeful wizard hunting after his crown.

With tears in his eyes, Mr. Nogo stated his gratitude to his legion of supporters, who responded to his Internet emails, the Prince's only way of communicating with Earth. "I cannot tell you how grateful I am for those heroes...this money is nothing, and barely eases the debt I feel to them." the monarch choked out. "Thankfully, the wizard hunting after me was very poor with technology, and was killed in the Abrahamic War. Now I can restore my reign over my people, though I am certain the country has been fine in my family's absence."

(Continued on page 3).

[Nightkill the Emperor]

August 12, 2023

"Anderson, what can you see out there?" asked some CNN cunt, looking at his television monitor as Anderson Cooper stood in the middle of Lesotho, giving a whistle.

"Impressive development, certainly." the actual reporter said. "The people here have benefited hugely from the help of Taka-Jameson, who have, as you know, sent in a lot of funding and job development the way of this nation." He stood outside a Starbuck's. Not the dangerous areas he was used to, but nobody else wanted to leave the nice, air-conditioned studio. Cooper, on the other hand, leapt at the chance. "Overall, people are just happ-"

"What about the AIDS?" asked the cunt desperately, trying to find something bad to report on.

"The treatments are going well, the demons shared some of their knowledge on the subject, since they're used to STDs and curing them-"

"Are the people adjusting to technology?"

"Yes, astoundingly well, in fact-"

"Anything bad or dangerous to report on?"

"No, not really, but there's a lot of astounishing stories here and-"

"They don't sell." the cunt interrupted. "Alright, there was Anderson Cooper, live from Lesotho, now let's discuss 'yerking', the new fad that's sweeping the nation."

Yerking was shaking your dick around and about. America picked it up from Crowley, who now denied any association.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

The following is an excerpt from Magical Histories, an exhaustively researched and collaborative textbook written by various authors. The book covers all sorts of information about magic, the world, the Abrahamic War and other topics.

The Splitting of Hell

After the Abrahamic War, various diplomats from many nations of Earth gathered together, joined also by Aleister Crowley of Elfen High, the Archangel Raphael of Heavensgate and the demon Lord Alastor of his own domain in Hell. The diplomats discussed what to do with the lands of Hell - they agreed to give Dys and much of its surrounding areas to Alastor, deciding the demon would be able to do nothing with such destroyed land (something which they later turned out to be quite wrong about). They also gave the Hellenic population more land and more money to defend themselves with, seeing them as a bastion of civilisation in a barbaric Hell.

However, then came the matter of the humans dividing up land. America took the most, justifying it due to their large power on Earth, and the fact they contributed most to the war effort. France took second, as they had contributed the second most, followed by the United Kingdom, now a struggling power that was sticking to European affairs, thank you very much.

In these proceedings, Aleister Crowley had grabbed his head and moaned, also saying that the diplomats were being "bloody morons" and that "this is going to fuck you in a big way", before departing to his room to get whiskey.

(continued on next page)

[Nightkill the Emperor]

Recently, a comment made on the language that is a part of our identity, Demonic, left me in utter shock.

A friend of mine told me about an incident that took place with his sister, who’s an Demonic teacher for grade one and two in Grenja. A student, in one of her classes, was refusing to speak in Demonic during the period. When she asked him as to why he was being so difficult, his response was nothing less than shocking and disappointing.

"My mum told me that Demonic is a servant’s language!"

Please take a moment, sit back and let that phrase sink in.

A servant’s language?

Our mother tongue, the language that unites all the provinces, the language that was at the centre of the movement of our freedom, is a servant’s language?

The language that was used to bring about change and which is respected all over the world is now considered unspeakable by the Demon elite.

Infuriated with this remark, my friend’s sister requested a meeting with the child’s mother and, lo and behold, the audacity of the mother when confronted with this news was even more startling.

“Well, I will allow my son to speak in Demonic while in your class only, but you do realise that if my son is to get anywhere in this country, leave alone the world, he must be fluent in English. Demonic for him is not important, at all.”

I am ashamed of myself to admit this, but don’t you think she has a point?

I mean look at our job market. You might not know anything about the job but, if you can speak English, you’ll be preferred over the rest.

Let’s say you and another candidate have the same knowledge base, but you’re fluent in English and he’s not, who do you think will get the job?

Even on our so-called Demonic channels, we see the younger generation speaking in Engmonic – partial Demonic and a whole lot of English.

When I look at our nations, I notice the increasing importance given to English and the vilification of Demonic, and it begins with the mindset that you see in this particular case. The mother is adamant that without English, her child is going nowhere and achieving nothing.

I wonder who is to blame – ourselves as parents, humans, or the institutions that have shaped us this way?

Article was submitted to The Burning Stone. It was written in English.

[Individuality-ness]

Copypasta posted throughout Eden, in order to combat feminist propaganda that has been proliferating the country as of late.

ALPHA COCKS FOR THE WOMEN, FRIENDZONE FOR THE MEN, FEMINISM FOR EVERYBODY!

Everybody says there is this SEX problem. Everybody says this SEX problem will be solved when women pour into ALL of the men's spheres and ONLY into men's spheres.

The friendzone and creep-shaming are just as sexist to men as so-called "rape culture" and "slut-shaming" is for women, but nobody says that MEN should have a movement of their own to fight these wrongs.

Everybody says the final solution to this SEX problem is for EVERY men-only space and ONLY men-only spaces to “assimilate,” i.e., share spaces, with all those women.

What if I said there was this SEX problem and this SEX problem would be solved only if hundreds of millions of men were brought into EVERY women-only sphere and ONLY into women-only spheres?

How long would it take anyone to realize I’m not talking about a SEX problem. I am talking about the final solution to the WOMAN problem?

And how long would it take any sane woman to notice this and what kind of psycho woman wouldn't object to this?

But if I tell that obvious truth about the ongoing program of genocide against my sex, the male sex, Liberals and respectable conservatives agree that I am a misogynistwhowantstorapeallthembitches.

They say they are anti-sexist. What they are is anti-men.

Anti-sexist is a code word for anti-men.

[In an alternative universe, a university student made this up to satirize the MRM as a joke.]

[Nationstatelandsville]

The following is an excerpt from Sulfur: Life in Hell, the autobiography of journalist Caliban Jones, published in June of 2029.

I sometimes wonder why I'm alive. Do I deserve to be anymore than my brother or my sister? No.

I was lucky.

"Hell" is not enough of a word for my life; and I did not live through the worst of it all. That was a burden for the less fortunate and it was they who, by soaking up the wrath of evil with their own lives, saved me. The angels pray to a God of love and forgiveness, but the demons pray to one of vengeance and anger. And who can blame them? They have suffered and can have no justice.

They lived as I did - in the crowded ghettos of Heavensgate. There were five families to what was in Heaven a one family home; parents and children crammed like packing peanuts into one room, stuffing more and more in until the walls burst. It was dirty, for there was no waste disposal and none of us had the energy to do it ourselves. It was cold, for all the wood shipped into this desert hell was taken by the angels - torn from our fires for their monuments and fine art, sometimes for no better reason than to watch us freeze. It was hungry, for we labored all day in the yawning mines and sweltering forges for naught but halfpennies. It was suffering, but we could not know pain; we weren't thinking creatures. We were "sulfies". We were "Satan's spawn". We were "beasts" and "animals" and "savages", but most of all, we were "demons". Who can stir up sympathy for such a hated name?

The adults bore it worst, the evolutionary stupidity that is parenthood driving them to commit slow suicide for the stomachs of their sons and daughters. My mother fell sick when I was young - the angels had cured her disease decades ago. A vaccination, a simple needle-prick, could have prevented it in the first place. She died. The angels were not actively malevolent to us, for the most part; it was their indifference to us that was the true evil. It was their indifference that killed my mother. We cried and they did not hear us. What centuries ago was a great injustice to the demonic race has long since settled into normalcy; the wound is no longer fresh. It is simply "how things are" and no one can manage to be upset by it any longer. We are forgotten.

Why were we there? Because we were poor. Why we were poor? Because we were hated. Why were we hated? Because one man millennia ago had committed crimes worse than evil and the angels sought revenge tenfold. It was the same rage that drives the demonic race now to cry for angelic blood, the same justice of present that makes the injustice of the future. Perhaps we should spill their blood as compensation, measure it out and make it even. Perhaps we should forgive them for their unknowing crimes. I cannot bring myself to either. Maybe that is weakness or maybe that is strength, but I know that whatever it is, I wish I did not have it.

I do not know why I am writing this. Others will surely tell me. I only know that the angels of Heavensgate will not believe a word of it - because I am demon. My Lord is one of lies. My words will change nothing, I am not so pretentious to think otherwise.

[Nude East Ireland]

"Yo yo yo, welcome to Volcano FM: 'Rock by Day, Love by Night'. I'm your host, Jizz Baldwin. Today we'll be discussing the rights of LGBT communities in the Middle East, specifically the justification of the attack on them by right-wing Islamists in Amman. We also have a special guest for later, John Oliver the host of The Late Show with John Oliver, during which we will discuss his role in the new hit show, Produced by Abed Nadir. It is a spin-off to the famous Community, on which Oliver had a role as Dr. Ian Duncan.

"For now, the feud between the world-famous bands Nearly-Soulless Human/Jameson Hybrid and Sex Vents came to a head when the lead singer of Nearly-Soulless Human/Jameson Hybrid - Freddie 'The Anal Magistrate' Wonder - allegedly had sex with every ex girlfriend and current girlfriend of Alexander A. Aragon, the base player of Sex Vents. Sex Vents lead singer and former Prime Minister of Sweden Carl Yeormum commented, saying 'The Anal Magistrate is a fuckwad and literally the biggest faggot I've ever known. I heard his dick is so small, it actually doesn't exist; it's a tiny black hole that wipes the memories of anyone he tries to fuck. I have sources.' Louis Gonzales, Nearly-Soulless Human/Jameson Hybrid drummer and former meth kingpin, said that 'Sex Vents? More like 'Our Mothers Are Whores and We Suck at Music.' No members of Sex Vents has replied. More on this later. For now, let's kick back and relax to Sex Vents' latest hit, 'Shit Face Cunt Fuck', which has sold over four million copies on iTunes in the last two months alone."

Seriously, not everything is about fighting Angels and dragons.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

10 May, 2014.

Some radio station

"A local Indian man named Khan, as well as two American children known only as Jon and Kevin, were commended for burning NBC down completely. Every member of NBC's board of directors died brutally in the disaster.

"The terrorist group known as NBC was destroyed today." commented Joel McHale, host of The McHale Report. "As a victim of NBC's torture for several years now, I only wish it had happened sooner."

The heroic action was supposedly sparked by NBC's shit coverage of the Olympics, NBC being loathsome in virtually every way, for hurting Conan O'Brien's feelings and more recently, for daring to cancel Community.

Dan Harmon has announced Community will indeed have a season six and a movie, no matter what occurs. They will be working with Madmen in a Box productions, the same men who made the film series/war crime known as Mumbai Tea Party. Season six is confirmed to feature Stephen Colbert, Hugh Laurie, Patrick Stewart, Odin and Joe Biden, and will be at least thirty episodes.

More on this story as it develops."

[Astrolinium]

From the BBC, 25 September, 2023 --

Nothing of any importance happened today.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

.

[Nationstatelandsville]

From the Associated Press on January 2nd, 2031 -

Holy flipping fuck, you guys. Tell me you felt that.

No? Stop giving me that look! I'm telling you, shit went down.

So, like, first of all - and I know this is crazy, but bear with me - all of you fuckers died. Charles Dance came out of nowhere, and I think Bryan Cranston was with him, and whoosh! Suddenly, there's no plant and Aleister Crowley is Peter Capaldi or something.

Stop laughing. I'm serious. I was there. The world ended. Well, the world, except Elfen High. Because of course. Because of course the second they send me to cover this shitty funeral, the world ends. I shouldn't have gone to this goddamn school - I told them that. Fuck you, Frank. I know I fucked your wife, but c'mon. Couldn't you have sent me to a warzone instead? Iraq might be a shithole, but at least it obeys physical laws.

Right. So. A bunch of B-list TV actors from the mid-2010's beat the shit out of each other and then the spaceships... look, I get it. I know this sounds insane. I know you think I've finally snapped, that all those years covering fiscal policy finally got to me. And I know that bitch Caroline is going to try to make this about my drinking. But it's not, it's real. I swear to God.

Also, God was there. He, also, is Charles Dance. He's brothers with the other Charles Dance, or maybe one is the other's father. I don't know, at that point, I was hiding in this big tree, trying to avoid getting killed by the robot angels.

Except the tree had a dragon in it. Actually, I think the dragon was god.

Anyways, then Aleister (who is also John Hurt) killed the dragon, and Tom Baker was there. So, naturally, Aleister rode the dragon into the school, and then rode the school through all of space and time. I passed out at some point, or maybe died, but when I woke up, I was in the school cafeteria, and everything was back to normal.

But the fucking thing talks now.

Listen to me. Yesterday, the universe was destroyed, and Aleister Crowley rebuilt it. I don't expect you to believe me. I get it. Just... just check your stuff, alright? Just look around. Make sure he didn't fuck anything, or everything, or ohmygodIthinkwewereallinsidehim.

Fuck it. Fuck it all, man. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I should be dead, we should all be dead, and I have kids. I quit, man. I... I need to get my life together.

Just... fuck.

And I think I saw Clint Eastwood and Jack Nicholson fucking in a dumpster.

[Nationstatelandsville]

From the Associated Press on January 2nd, 2031 -

Holy flipping fuck, you guys. Tell me you felt that.

No? Stop giving me that look! I'm telling you, shit went down.

So, like, first of all - and I know this is crazy, but bear with me - all of you fuckers died. Charles Dance came out of nowhere, and I think Bryan Cranston was with him, and whoosh! Suddenly, there's no plant and Aleister Crowley is Peter Capaldi or something.

Stop laughing. I'm serious. I was there. The world ended. Well, the world, except Elfen High. Because of course. Because of course the second they send me to cover this shitty funeral, the world ends. I shouldn't have gone to this goddamn school - I told them that. Fuck you, Frank. I know I fucked your wife, but c'mon. Couldn't you have sent me to a warzone instead? Iraq might be a shithole, but at least it obeys physical laws.

Right. So. A bunch of B-list TV actors from the mid-2010's beat the shit out of each other and then the spaceships... look, I get it. I know this sounds insane. I know you think I've finally snapped, that all those years covering fiscal policy finally got to me. And I know that bitch Caroline is going to try to make this about my drinking. But it's not, it's real. I swear to God.

Also, God was there. He, also, is Charles Dance. He's brothers with the other Charles Dance, or maybe one is the other's father. I don't know, at that point, I was hiding in this big tree, trying to avoid getting killed by the robot angels.

Except the tree had a dragon in it. Actually, I think the dragon was god.

Anyways, then Aleister (who is also John Hurt) killed the dragon, and Tom Baker was there. So, naturally, Aleister rode the dragon into the school, and then rode the school through all of space and time. I passed out at some point, or maybe died, but when I woke up, I was in the school cafeteria, and everything was back to normal.

But the fucking thing talks now.

Listen to me. Yesterday, the universe was destroyed, and Aleister Crowley rebuilt it. I don't expect you to believe me. I get it. Just... just check your stuff, alright? Just look around. Make sure he didn't fuck anything, or everything, or ohmygodIthinkwewereallinsidehim.

Fuck it. Fuck it all, man. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I should be dead, we should all be dead, and I have kids. I quit, man. I... I need to get my life together.

Just... fuck.

And I think I saw Clint Eastwood and Jack Nicholson fucking in a dumpster.

A retraction published on the 3rd -

We would like to correct yesterday's article, "Gott ist Tot" by Earl Mason. The author refers to President Eastwood and Vice President Nicholson as "fucking in a dumpster". Further research indicates that they were, in fact, fucking in a discarded refrigerator, which happened to be inside a dumpster. Fucking like animals.

The author would like to apologize or any confusion or misconception born of his error.