“So, fuckers, listen up.” Crowley said calmly. “Jimmy, if you even consider throwing that paper airplane, I will make it so that you cannot even think about your own dick without whimpering and screaming. Now, your normal History teacher is not here today. Therefore, I am left with the attempt of trying to educate you.”
Crowley really did not particularly wish to do this right now. But when you’re left with no other option…And besides, what was his other choice? Paying for a substitute? Pah!
After seeing the terrified expression on Jimmy’s face, Crowley decided that perhaps he did in fact want to do this after all. It was, in hindsight, tremendous fun. “Now, boys and girls, let’s begin on a topic…hmm…I got one. The American War Against Tea.”
“You mean The American Revolution-“ brought up one American student.
“Shut up Yank, I know what I said. The American War against Tea. Now, I was there for a lot of it, seeing the sights in America. And what nice sights they were in many cases. I was even in Boston when the Tea ‘Party’,” The wizard put air quotes around the word “party”. “took place. If I had any idea what was going to transpire there, I would have stopped it. Seeing all that tea wasted…well, I’ll just admit to you now that it was one of my greatest failures. And it was a fixed point in time too, so the man in the telephone booth can’t help…” Crowley saw the confused looks from some of the students.
“Alright, never mind.” He said. “Look, it was an horrific atrocity on the part of the Americans and the British Empire was fully justified in trying to punish them. Just pay the goddamn taxes, Americans, for crying out loud. It’s not that hard.” Crowley sighed. “I did, however, like George Washington. Hell of a wizard.”
“George Washington was a wizard?” the same American kid asked.
"No shit he was." Crowley replied. "How do you think he survived such bizarre events? Though he was not trained at all. Just a lot of potential and untapped power. Now, I was in the Revolution, helping my Brits, but I stopped after I had a dispute with one of the generals. You see, he did not like that I was fucking his mistress. I kindly informed him that I was fucking his mistress and his wife. Then we had a bit of an argument and then I decided the British army could go fuck itself and I went back to Europe. And soon after, the French Revolution started. Ah, now that was a hell of a lot of fun." Crowley laughed. "Well, fun for a while, then you realised that this was a fucking civil war and that all this bloodshed and violence and the Terror...well, I've met men like Robespierre. Robespierre, what a man. Hated the death penalty as a youth, perfected it later on when it suited him."
One boy piped up. "So, what about the American War Ag-" When another girl elbowed him in the ribs.
"Shut up, this is better."
Crowley waved a piece of chalk vaguely in the air as he continued his memories. "Ah, quite a few interesting things were going on in that time, indeed." he smiled.
"The hell is with this place?" I muttered to himself, walking through the underground of Paris. I knew full well where I was. The Catacombs of Paris, the grave of six million people. "Six million dead...Well, there's a sizeable number." Absentmindedly, I raised a hand, producing a cup with tea.
I proceeded a spoon in the other hand, mixing it with the tea before throwing out the spoon. I walked along while drinking the tea-
"Did you just litter in the Catacombs of Paris?" asked one asshole kid.
"Did you drink tea in the grave of six million people?" asked one American boy not yet well informed about British culture.
"Shut up, I'm telling a story." Crowley snapped back, duct tape finding itself covering the mouths of the two kids speaking.
Walking along while drinking the tea, I was exploring the Catacombs of Paris. I didn't particularly have much else to do at the moment, after all. The Terror had made aboveground Paris interesting, but also something I didn't want to ruin my vacation with.
But then I saw a madman smashing out of a portal in the darkness, a man covered entirely in a cloak. I couldn't see him properly, but he was an asshole. He ended up shoving me and making me drop my tea. I stumbled backwards a bit, looking to see exactly who this bloody bastard was-
But then he disappeared just like that. I pulled out my axe- I loved axes back then, I was an axe man- and looked around. And I felt one bloody bastard coming up behind me, and I sliced him in half with my axe before he could say a word.
I grabbed his upper body, muttering a spell and slamming magic through it to keep him awake. I wanted to talk to the jackass, after all. "Who sent you?" I asked in French. "Who sent you on this suicide mission, hmm?"
Well, then he said something I found interesting. "The universe sent me." he had said to me in English, coughing and spitting once on my face. "The universe sent me to kill the man who calls himself Aleister Crowley."
"So I killed him, of course." Crowley said. "Now, the universe has obviously failed to kill me, no matter what some people might think of that." he grinned. "But let me tell you what happened after."
I ripped off the man's hood, revealing he was a brown-skinned chap. African, perhaps? Haitian revolutionary, maybe. He had a knife and a musket, but he was otherwise unarmed. Don't know how he expected to kill me like that.
But I ripped his head off, quite miffed he and his mate had decided to ruin my tea. That reminded me of his mate. I picked up the dead assassin's knife, looking around for the other man. "Come out, come out wherever you are!" I had yelled. "Come now, don't be shy! You tried to bloody well kill me first, least you can do is come out and do it in the open, hmm?"
Then I saw the other man there, walking out into plain view in front of me. A man I knew and loathed. Last time I met him was centuries prior, in the Great Fire of London. "Dr. John Dee." I said quietly. "We meet again."
RING
RING
"Class time seems done." Crowley noted, hearing the ringing of the bell. "Well then, I suppose you lot should be getting along." He snapped his fingers, removing the duct tape.
"Who's John Dee?" asked one student, now that the tape was off.
"You have the fucking Google thing! You look him up!" barked Crowley. "Now go off, go fuck and masturbate and occasionally study. Your homework is to grow a pair, including the girls. Dismissed!"
After the students left, Crowley gave a laugh. "Ah, Dee..." he muttered. "Hell of a story, how that encounter went. But that's for some other time."
Crowley really did not particularly wish to do this right now. But when you’re left with no other option…And besides, what was his other choice? Paying for a substitute? Pah!
After seeing the terrified expression on Jimmy’s face, Crowley decided that perhaps he did in fact want to do this after all. It was, in hindsight, tremendous fun. “Now, boys and girls, let’s begin on a topic…hmm…I got one. The American War Against Tea.”
“You mean The American Revolution-“ brought up one American student.
“Shut up Yank, I know what I said. The American War against Tea. Now, I was there for a lot of it, seeing the sights in America. And what nice sights they were in many cases. I was even in Boston when the Tea ‘Party’,” The wizard put air quotes around the word “party”. “took place. If I had any idea what was going to transpire there, I would have stopped it. Seeing all that tea wasted…well, I’ll just admit to you now that it was one of my greatest failures. And it was a fixed point in time too, so the man in the telephone booth can’t help…” Crowley saw the confused looks from some of the students.
“Alright, never mind.” He said. “Look, it was an horrific atrocity on the part of the Americans and the British Empire was fully justified in trying to punish them. Just pay the goddamn taxes, Americans, for crying out loud. It’s not that hard.” Crowley sighed. “I did, however, like George Washington. Hell of a wizard.”
“George Washington was a wizard?” the same American kid asked.
"No shit he was." Crowley replied. "How do you think he survived such bizarre events? Though he was not trained at all. Just a lot of potential and untapped power. Now, I was in the Revolution, helping my Brits, but I stopped after I had a dispute with one of the generals. You see, he did not like that I was fucking his mistress. I kindly informed him that I was fucking his mistress and his wife. Then we had a bit of an argument and then I decided the British army could go fuck itself and I went back to Europe. And soon after, the French Revolution started. Ah, now that was a hell of a lot of fun." Crowley laughed. "Well, fun for a while, then you realised that this was a fucking civil war and that all this bloodshed and violence and the Terror...well, I've met men like Robespierre. Robespierre, what a man. Hated the death penalty as a youth, perfected it later on when it suited him."
One boy piped up. "So, what about the American War Ag-" When another girl elbowed him in the ribs.
"Shut up, this is better."
Crowley waved a piece of chalk vaguely in the air as he continued his memories. "Ah, quite a few interesting things were going on in that time, indeed." he smiled.
"The hell is with this place?" I muttered to himself, walking through the underground of Paris. I knew full well where I was. The Catacombs of Paris, the grave of six million people. "Six million dead...Well, there's a sizeable number." Absentmindedly, I raised a hand, producing a cup with tea.
I proceeded a spoon in the other hand, mixing it with the tea before throwing out the spoon. I walked along while drinking the tea-
"Did you just litter in the Catacombs of Paris?" asked one asshole kid.
"Did you drink tea in the grave of six million people?" asked one American boy not yet well informed about British culture.
"Shut up, I'm telling a story." Crowley snapped back, duct tape finding itself covering the mouths of the two kids speaking.
Walking along while drinking the tea, I was exploring the Catacombs of Paris. I didn't particularly have much else to do at the moment, after all. The Terror had made aboveground Paris interesting, but also something I didn't want to ruin my vacation with.
But then I saw a madman smashing out of a portal in the darkness, a man covered entirely in a cloak. I couldn't see him properly, but he was an asshole. He ended up shoving me and making me drop my tea. I stumbled backwards a bit, looking to see exactly who this bloody bastard was-
But then he disappeared just like that. I pulled out my axe- I loved axes back then, I was an axe man- and looked around. And I felt one bloody bastard coming up behind me, and I sliced him in half with my axe before he could say a word.
I grabbed his upper body, muttering a spell and slamming magic through it to keep him awake. I wanted to talk to the jackass, after all. "Who sent you?" I asked in French. "Who sent you on this suicide mission, hmm?"
Well, then he said something I found interesting. "The universe sent me." he had said to me in English, coughing and spitting once on my face. "The universe sent me to kill the man who calls himself Aleister Crowley."
"So I killed him, of course." Crowley said. "Now, the universe has obviously failed to kill me, no matter what some people might think of that." he grinned. "But let me tell you what happened after."
I ripped off the man's hood, revealing he was a brown-skinned chap. African, perhaps? Haitian revolutionary, maybe. He had a knife and a musket, but he was otherwise unarmed. Don't know how he expected to kill me like that.
But I ripped his head off, quite miffed he and his mate had decided to ruin my tea. That reminded me of his mate. I picked up the dead assassin's knife, looking around for the other man. "Come out, come out wherever you are!" I had yelled. "Come now, don't be shy! You tried to bloody well kill me first, least you can do is come out and do it in the open, hmm?"
Then I saw the other man there, walking out into plain view in front of me. A man I knew and loathed. Last time I met him was centuries prior, in the Great Fire of London. "Dr. John Dee." I said quietly. "We meet again."
RING
RING
"Class time seems done." Crowley noted, hearing the ringing of the bell. "Well then, I suppose you lot should be getting along." He snapped his fingers, removing the duct tape.
"Who's John Dee?" asked one student, now that the tape was off.
"You have the fucking Google thing! You look him up!" barked Crowley. "Now go off, go fuck and masturbate and occasionally study. Your homework is to grow a pair, including the girls. Dismissed!"
After the students left, Crowley gave a laugh. "Ah, Dee..." he muttered. "Hell of a story, how that encounter went. But that's for some other time."
.