The Garlic - The Finest News on the Web

by **Virana** » Fri Apr 05, 2013 8:48 pm

The Finest News on the Web

The Garlic is an Emmerian news network dedicated to providing true coverage of world events, rather than the common inferior "news" that other networks provide. The Garlic's reporting dominates the modern journalism landscape, so much so that it would be accurate to say that The Garlic has invented news.

by **Virana** » Fri Apr 05, 2013 8:49 pm

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by **Virana** » Fri Apr 05, 2013 8:51 pm

The Garlic: War of Worlds rages on
Martians to hold exercises in Pardes as Pravene missiles point towards Havenwalder capital

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^{32 March 0000 6:04 | By God (@GodoftheGarlic) (UP)}

Editor's note: The Garlic is a UP blog. Its content is guaranteed to be 100% accurate and reliably sourced; please do not contact the UP or The Garlic staff regarding informational accuracy in this article. Doing so may result in a severe fee.

Oured, D.A., UNITED REPUBLIC (UP) — The interplanetary War of Worlds has heated up in recent days with Castille de Italia's newly declared exercises outside of Pardes. The War of Worlds, a term coined by a Havenwalder News (propaganda) Association article from Tuesday March 26 (but since unfortunately edited to the vastly inferior term "War of Words"), is a bloodless conflict between the martian alliance "Air Conditioning Association" ("ACA") and nations in the Pardes region.

During the latest ensuing battles (mostly consisting of angry words from both sides), Castille de Italia also announced a test of a brand new nuclear missile system that it intends to use against the United Republic.

"This one is bigger than my dick," new Castillian Secretary of Defense Tiberius told reporters. "I can't wait to see it come out of its hole."

The Garlic was unable to independently confirm whether the latter statement referred to the missile or Secretary Tiberius's dick.

U.R. President Luis Castilla denounced the nuclear missile test yesterday, calling it "maddening" during a speech while wearing his best bandana and wifebeater and holding a flaming pitchfork.

"Their latest actions make us angry!" President Castilla announced with a thunderous voice. "Down with Castille de Italia!"

As the War of Worlds has raged on, a number of smaller conflicts have intertwined themselves with it. The most apparent of such is the potential war between U.R. ally Pravengria and Tehraanian ally Havenwalde. Pravengrian propaganda outlet PNN reported that Pravengrian missiles were pointed at Havenwalder capital Bechstadt.

"We have removed our missiles from their silos," a Pravengrian military official who requested anonymity told The Garlic. "They are now lying on the beaches of our west coast, pointed towards Bechstadt using highly advanced GPS technology implemented in 1968."

When asked how the missiles would launch, the military official shrugged. "Our orders were to point them at Bechstadt, and that's what I'm doing."

In response to Pravengria's clearly provocative move, Premislydic propaganda station Premislyd Today aggressively ordered "Step Down Pravengria".

"Our highly accurate news networks are so informative that they can order other countries to step down," an anonymous Premislyder in the street told The Garlic. "I feel so sooty for other countries that are not blessed with such unbiased and neutral media."

Revolutionary Premislydic leader Ajatola Taras Yakiv Kozel, 12, told The Garlic that everyone else was acting too old.

"They are essentially behaving like adults. Throwing around long and difficult words in order to draw my attention to them so they can 'show off' to the martians and fellow Earthlings how 'smart' and 'mature' they are."

Premislyd has strongly sided with the martians in this conflict, despite its firm anti-air conditioning beliefs. International analysts say it may be because Ajatola Kozel is secretly a raging martian alien.

One analyst said there was "no doubt" Ajatola Kozel was an alien.

"The Ajatola has hair that looks like a turban. Who else does that?" the analyst remarked. "And look at his eyes. It's as if he's wearing some sort of extraterrestrial reading glasses!"

However, the analyst asserted that the Ajatola was at least at one point a human.

"He has criticized the martians' actions, their policies," the analyst said. "It is very clear that some sort of alien disease has consumed his mind."

This article was retrieved from The Garlic, a UP blog. The Garlic is devoted to providing highly accurate news reporting from around the world.

FAR INFERIOR NEWS

Lazin trial begins in Afalia [ 5243 ]
Castille de Italia calms rhetoric [ 9429 ]
Elcric Kcalb radically modifies policy [ 1375 ]

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by **Virana** » Fri Apr 05, 2013 8:52 pm

The Garlic: World surrenders to Titianicia
As Lazin becomes first man in space, world leaders bow down to Dear Leader

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^{30 March 2013 6:04 | By Harry Denver (@HarryDenver) (UP)}

Editor's note: The Garlic is a UP blog. Its content is guaranteed to be 100% accurate and reliably sourced. Please do not contact the UP or The Garlic staff regarding informational accuracy in this article; doing so may result in a ~~severe fee~~ mandatory payment of funds to The Garlic (original content removed due to a copyright claim by uneasyJet, the world's greatest airline).

Opexion, TITIANICIA — Following reports yesterday that Titianician Ditor Jack Lazin became the first man in space, every nation on this planet has surrendered to the almighty Tyrrhenian dictatorship.

Contrary to international claims, Jack Lazin was not captured during a U.R. Navy SEAL raid. Instead, a massive crowd of 45 people gathered in central Opexion this past Friday to observe the launch of Titianicia's first rocket that has not exploded in mid-air—one that held the Dear Leader of the country. Jack Lazin then became the first man ever to go into space.

Less than 24 hours after Titianicia's overwhelmingly neutral media outlet TSM reported the rocket successfully exiting Earth's atmosphere with the dictator, world leaders quickly got on their knees and bowed down to the powerful nation. Castillian Chancellor Victoria Mede promised to "suck Lazin's obviously massive penis".

"Their highly advanced technology is just unbearable," President Luis Castilla said. "I... we've got no choice. We are giving in." President Castilla then joined Akimonadi President Johnathan Quigley, New Belhavian Emperor Ryan Adrian I, and other world leaders in submitting to Titianicia's power.

"Our space program is the greatest in the world," a Titianician official told The Garlic. "The rocket is proof. It uses highly advanced fuel systems and technology that allow it to overcome this ambiguous force that pulls us towards the Earth's surface. Our scientists are calling it 'gravity' now, and it perplexes me how we were able to overcome it."

The powerful Titianician scientist corps is renowned worldwide for its stunning discoveries. A month ago, prominent high-level Titianician scientists became the first ever to prove that water is wet.

Reports indicate that Lazin will not return to the surface, instead ruling his country from space. He is not expected to make any more public appearances.

As nations around the world surrender to Titianicia, Titianician diplomats are overseeing the transfer of goods, services, and food to its country, which it will most likely distribute to its subjugated peoples as it deems necessary.

"The United Republic is proudly handing over its supplies, manpower, and capabilities to our new Titianician overlords," President Castilla said. "Long live Titianicia!"

Hëgegovernor Iyæn Stratovimä, who is standing in for Lazin as the Earth-based ruler of the country, told reporters that world leaders bowing down was absolutely expected.

"Their surrender was completely inevitable," Stratovima said. "The overwhelming power of our technology was impossible to resist."

Editor's note: As the inferior peoples of the world surrender to Earth's sole cultural and political power, The Garlic would like to publicly affirm its longstanding support for the Titianician regime. As world ruler Jack Lazin is aware, The Garlic has always firmly stood by the Titianician government amidst its criticism and been a strong voice for Titianicia's ascent to such power. It is foolish to resist our all-powerful regime.

This article was retrieved from The Garlic, a UP blog. The Garlic is devoted to providing highly accurate news reporting from around the world.

FAR INFERIOR NEWS

U.R. military to begin mandatory technical training [ 5243 ]
Joint Tyrrhenian exercises set to kick off [ 9429 ]
Castille de Italia threatens to kill one of its own [ 1375 ]

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by **Virana** » Fri Apr 05, 2013 8:52 pm

The Garlic: Titianicia's military remains prepared for all threats
Amidst international criticism, Titianician military vows to protect glorious country

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^{30 March 2013 6:04 | By Harry Denver (@HarryDenver) (UP)}

The glorious Titianician Navy is one of the strongest navies in the world. Pictured is Hëgegovernor Iyæn Stratovimä waving (in black) from the deck of the massive TAF Lazin, the most powerful warship of the almighty navy, off the coast of New Alotos.

Editor's note: The Garlic is a UP blog. Its content is guaranteed to be 100% accurate and reliably sourced. Please do not contact the UP or The Garlic staff regarding informational accuracy in this article; doing so may result in a ~~severe fee~~ mandatory payment of funds to The Garlic (original content removed due to a copyright claim by uneasyJet, the world's greatest airline).

Opexion, TITIANICIA — As the United Ditorates of Titianicia faces constant threats from imperialists that surround the Tyrrhenian dictatorship, senior Titianician regime officials assert that Titianicia is prepared to defend itself if needed.

"We have over 30 million well-trained troops and 1,944 warships that stand at the ready to defend our country," a regime spokesman told The Garlic. "Our technology far exceeds that of our enemies—we are a bastion of science. We cannot be defeated."

Titianicia recently suffered a major defeat during its invasion of Afalia. International analysts estimate that the country lost thousands of ships and over 20 million lives during the conflict. However, these claims are simply imperialist propaganda; in reality, Titianicia only lost 4 million troops and 456 warships during the invasion against an inferior race of peoples who were begging for enslavement.

Titianician warfighting technology is among the world's very best. As pictured, the most powerful of Titianician warships are armed with advanced propulsion mechanisms constructed of complex hard structural tissue fibers that can double as offensive weapons.

"These technologies allow Titianician warships to deal severe damage to their opponents," the regime spokesman asserted.

It is impossible to assume that the mighty Titianician military, whose annual defense budget is 7,194,339,194,798.44 Lazins (approximately $4.21 Universal standard dollars), would falter against the inferior forces of imperialists.

Now with a leader that rules from space, Titianicia has broken all known bounds in regards to ~~geo~~astropolitical power.

When asked how the mighty war machines of Titianicia lost to the inferior Emmerians, Arthuristans, Itailians, Phonencians, and Afalians during the Invasion of Afalia, the regime spokesman glanced towards security and the reporters were never seen again. The Garlic would like to apologize to Titianicia for the bold and disappointing behavior of its employees; the fact that they questioned the regime warrants their punishment of life imprisonment.

This article was retrieved from The Garlic, a UP blog. The Garlic is devoted to providing highly accurate news reporting from around the world.

FAR INFERIOR NEWS

U.R. military to begin mandatory technical training [ 5243 ]
Joint Tyrrhenian exercises set to kick off [ 9429 ]
Castille de Italia threatens to kill one of its own [ 1375 ]

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by **Virana** » Fri Apr 05, 2013 9:20 pm

The Garlic gains its independence from the UP after one-day Revolutionary War
Long, bloody revolution ends oppressive reign of UP over true news

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^{6 April 2013 12:07 | By Harry Denver (@HarryDenver) (The Garlic)}

CHALEUR, CA, United Republic — After a terribly long, one-day Garlican Revolutionary War, The Garlic has finally won its independence from the tyranny of the United Press.

Formerly, The Garlic was an organization forced to operate under the auspices of the "UP Blogs" program, and attempted to provide actual news coverage amidst imperialist propaganda. However, all limitations are now off—after fighting for its independence, The Garlic secured a victory.

Gone are the days when the world would access the Web's finest news source filtered from all coverage due to constraints brought about by the UP's policies. Now, The Garlic can provide the world its news without the overwhelming oppression of the UP.

This article was written by a The Garlic contributor. As the world's premier news reporting agency, The Garlic ensures that all content is 100% accurate. Please do not contact the UP staff regarding informational accuracy in this article; doing so may result in severe fees.

ON THE WIRE

"I'm always locked up", says expensive jewellery [ 5243 ]
Republicans and Democrats join forces to ridicule Castilla speech [ 9429 ]
Reports: Woman in work uniform walks down street every morning [ 1375 ]

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by **Virana** » Fri Apr 05, 2013 9:50 pm

Titianicia mysteriously vaporized
Tyrrhenian dictatorship replaced with "hot water vapor", DoD says

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^{6 April 2013 12:07 | By Harry Denver (@HarryDenver) (The Garlic)}

OPEXION, Titianicia (or what... used to be it?) — The Department of Defense told The Garlic earlier today that the United Ditorates of Titianicia, an overwhelmingly superpowerful dictatorship in Tyrrhenia, was mysteriously vaporized.

A U.R. naval ship operating in Tyrrhenia, the URS Lolwtf, was the first to discover the cataclysmic event during joint naval exercises alongside allied forces.

"We wu zall lik dat shit cray nigga," Lolwtf Captain Friedchickeniqua told The Garlic via e-mail. "We had dem plainz go in der."

Air samples collected from the area by U.R. aircraft showed close characteristics of Titianician residue.

"Air and water samples showed a number of characteristics that match those of what was once Titianicia," a scientific analyst told reporters after having been part of the investigation first-hand. "We had air and water particles declaring war on each other and having their forces wiped out in catastrophic defeats. We are sure that this unique behavior matches only that of the world's most powerful former country."

World powers were ecstatic. President Luis Castilla told The Garlic while attending a college frat party and spraying a shaken bottle of champagne that he "don't care for no lives, them Titties are dead!" He then proceeded to step on a Lego, exclaiming "Fuck you Raskov!"

Other world leaders were also present at the frat party. New Belhavian President Eli Goldman told The Garlic, "Those fucking savages got what came to them," before telling The Garlic to hold on as Castillian Chancellor Victoria Mede, Castille de Italia's hottest politician, sucked his dick. "Oooh, ahh," he said, before reporters walked away.

Akimonadi President Johnathan Quigley also spoke with reporters. "The tyrants had it coming. No loss here," he told The Garlic before walking away to get some lemon curry.

German Empire Kaiser Steinbach said "these fools will not be missed" before going to take shots with President Castilla. The Kaiser drank from his own bottle of ~~high~~ low-quality German alcohol before scowling at everyone else's inferiority to him.

This article was written by a The Garlic contributor. As the world's premier news reporting agency, The Garlic ensures that all content is 100% accurate. Please do not contact the UP staff regarding informational accuracy in this article; doing so may result in severe fees.

ON THE WIRE

"I'm always locked up", says expensive jewellery [ 5243 ]
Republicans and Democrats join forces to ridicule Castilla speech [ 9429 ]
Reports: Woman in work uniform walks down street every morning [ 1375 ]

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by **Virana** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 7:12 pm

ACA's Gratenburg Orgy spreads AIDS across Tyrrhenia
Disease alliance promises to "fuck bitches, get money", overthrow region, says former Belhavian official

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^{22 April 2013 10:12 | By Joshua Rigalis (@JRig_Garlic) (The Garlic)}

Rumored video clip of top ACA leaders meeting in Gratenburg, Black Circle, to prepare for their orgy.

GRATENBURG, Black Circle — A former New Belhavian official told The Garlic that nations from the Allied Coalition of AIDS, or ACA, held a secret world-record orgy in February in Gratenburg, Black Circle, to spread the influence of AIDS to more countries in the region.

The former official, regional security consultant Sam Waterson of the Sam Rohr International Relations Policy Center and former Deputy Foreign Minister for Tyrrhenian Affairs, said that "the Gratenburg Pact [an organization within the ACA] will now control the region under the fist of its acquired immunodeficiency virus," Belhavian propaganda network The Provisa Times reported.

Reassuring reporters that there was little to worry about, Waterson said that all the orgy and resulting alliance would do is "fuck bitches, get money". Skeptics claim the historic orgy's goal was to allow more nations to spread the disease emanating from the ACA leadership and overthrow regional powers.

United Republic President Luis Castilla expressed concern over the spread of a disease the United Republic has been fighting worldwide since the issuance of the Castilla Doctrine.

"We should probably do something," President Castilla told reporters before leaving the press conference to call his counterpart in Akimonad, President Johnathan Quigley.

In his absence, Vice President Jaydee Kapel spoke about the newfound alliance.

"It is clearly an evil pandemic that will leap out of the Black Circle and give the Allied Coalition of AIDS more ground," he said. "We cannot have this happen. The Gratenburg Pact must be stopped."

At this point, Secretary of State Lana Basara interjected by saying, "I came up with that name!"

Later, Vice President Kapel told reporters that he will personally "fuck their bitches and get their money", and that he will win the bitches over with his "superior, almighty penis."

This article was written by a The Garlic contributor. As the world's premier news reporting agency, The Garlic ensures that all content is 100% accurate. Please do not contact the UP staff regarding informational accuracy in this article; doing so may result in severe fees.

ON THE WIRE

UR Airways/Air Emmeria merger promises to provide shitty services to record number of passengers [ 5243 ]
Reports: Titianicians have finally found rubber bands large enough to launch their missiles [ 9429 ]
American lawmakers and law enforcement officials: "Who is 'Miranda Wrights'"? [ 1375 ]

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by **Virana** » Tue Apr 23, 2013 8:18 pm

Modified Iranian constitution found in Segland national archives
Words changed to weird Christian sect; Iran sues Segland for plagiarism

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^{23 April 2013 10:45 PM | By Joshua Rigalis (@JRig_Garlic) (The Garlic)}

ZION, Segland — Reports confirmed earlier today that a modified version of Iran's constitution was found in the Segland national archives by a maintenance employee of the facility. The constitution replaced all references to Islam with words vaguely describing what was confirmed to be an unusual and exotic strand of Christianity.

In response to the discovery, Iran has sued the government of the Theocratic Republic of Segland.

"They have copied our Constitution and heretically torn it apart by ignorantly replacing Allah's name with that of their own god," said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. "We must deal with these infidels in the name of Allah and in the name of Islam." He then donned an elegant black wire-covered vest, exclaiming "We will do this for the Jihad!"

The Garlic attempted to contact the maintenance employee who found the constitution, but the individual no longer existed in any official records in Iran.

The Garlic spoke with Segland President Jacob Ramsey, who denied all allegations.

"Our constitution is just that—our own," he told The Garlic. "We did not copy anything, so I do not understand where these horrendous allegations come from." He then motioned for security guards to arrive, who promptly escorted The Garlic's reporters out of the facility.

United Republic President Luis Castilla said, "This is a severe blow to human rights around the world," before leaving to talk on the phone. After returning, he continued, adding that the revelation was "proof of the ACA's tyranny" and the "personification of the oppressive nature of the alliance".

This article was written by a The Garlic contributor. As the world's premier news reporting agency, The Garlic ensures that all content is 100% accurate. Please do not contact the UP staff regarding informational accuracy in this article; doing so may result in severe fees.

ON THE WIRE

uneasyJet wins The Garlic's 2013 Airline of the Year award [ 5243 ]
Scientists: A successful Titianicia may exist in an alternate space-time continuum [ 9429 ]
Oil discovered on Mars, George W. Bush calls for invasion [ 1375 ]
Therapists examine Ossorian leadership after their claims of the existence of a war that never really happened [ 922 ]

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by **Virana** » Fri May 03, 2013 7:47 pm

United Press sues UKH news outlet for plagiarism after gay announcement
Media organization La Presse Nationale allegedly "copied our shit without asking", says senior UP official

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^{3 May 2013 10:28 PM | By Joshua Rigalis (@JRig_Garlic) (The Garlic)}

CHALEUR, CH, United Republic — A press release from the United Press (UP), an Emmerian nonprofit news cooperative indicated its goal to sue UKH-based media outlet La Presse Nationale after a recent article announcing that the UKH was illegalizing the practice of homosexuality.

"Them niggas copied our shit without asking," UP President and CEO Mason Goldwater told reporters, many of his own. "That shit cray."

The announcement occurred after the United Kingdom outlawed homosexuality.

Senator Leroy Handers (R-Victoria), hardline conservatist and one of the loudest speakers against the LGBT movement in the United Republic, said that the UP's lawsuit was pointless.

"Those fucking gay-loving liberals are at it again," he said, referring to the UP.

United Republic President Luis Castilla participated in a press conference with reporters, where he said that "plagiarism is a blatant violation of human rights and the embodiment of ignorant oppression."

An official from La Presse Nationale told The Garlic that his organization did not copy anything.

"I think it's quite clear that we definitely did not copy and paste anything from the United Press's website—in fact, we haven't even heard of them before," he said. "It's just a coincidence that our news site uses almost the same fucking layout, the exact same #0080BF link text color, and all this other shit. I assure you we did not copy. And if we did, we would've asked them first."

UP President and CEO Mason Goldwater added, "a lot of organizations took our layout, but all of them asked us if they could take it and modify it. We're going to fucking court. This is straight-up tyranny."

Eventually, Senator Handers stormed out of the press room, angrily exclaiming that it was a "gay debate".

This article was written by a The Garlic contributor. As the world's premier news reporting agency, The Garlic ensures that all content is 100% accurate. Please do not contact the UP staff regarding informational accuracy in this article; doing so may result in severe fees.

ON THE WIRE

Experts: People take news seriously if it looks legit [ 5243 ]
Scientists: Plagiarism a serious mental health problem among today's teenagers [ 9429 ]
BREAKING NEWS: No news breaking [ 1375 ]
Study: People believe anything if you put the word "study" before it [ 922 ]

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by **Brocwika** » Fri May 03, 2013 7:49 pm

This thread.

by **Virana** » Sun May 05, 2013 10:32 am

Scientists: Xbox controllers more dangerous than guns
"Guns don't kill people, Xbox does," says prominent group of scientists

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^{5 May 2013 12:48 PM | By Joshua Rigalis (@JRig_Garlic) (The Garlic)}

The 265 gram, 154 × 105 × 61.3 mm Xbox 360 controller was identified to be far more dangerous than a bullet fired from a gun. Pending legislation may ban the gaming system and its associated "Assault Games". Carlos Santana, The Garlic.

CHALEUR, CH, United Republic — A group of scientists called the Foundation for outlawing Assault Games (FAG) announced the results of a study confirming that Xbox controllers are far more dangerous than guns.

"Guns don't kill people, Xbox does," the group's head Dr. Imret Arded told reporters. "We've got overwhelming evidence supporting this claim."

The group pointed to prominent ballistics expert Al Killeu, who took part in the study.

"After exhaustive analysis of the properties of ballistic trajectories and the physical characteristics associated with physiological damage at range, as well as performing extensive testing on the subject materials in a controlled environment, we were able to confirm that an Xbox controller produces a far larger wound channel when launched at 948 meters per second than any comparable small arms bullet," he said.

The announcement came two days after the highly accurate and totally unbiased British news network DailyFail Online reported that a 13-year-old in Clydebank, Scotland slashed a friend's throat over an argument over the ultra-nonviolent video game Gears of War 3. In the game, players are rewarded for rescuing kittens from trees and single-handedly building shelters for homeless people.

Although the game cannot be legally sold without oversight by an individual above the age of 18, the parents definitely made the right call in letting their thirteen-year-old child play the game. They also definitely made the right call in letting the child have sex and become a father.

Last week, a local ten-year-old in Jamestown, FR bashed his friend's head in with an Xbox controller after the two argued over rabidly popular and completely nonviolent Battlefield 3. He then attempted to resuscitate his friend using a power drill, saying "You can't die on me now."

In Battlefield 3, players receive points for adopting stray puppies and designing prosthetic limbs for disabled dolphins.

The tragic events in Jamestown promoted lawmakers in the United Republic push for legislation banning "Assault Games". Both the Senate and House have active bills that may completely outlaw these assault games.

Another member of FAG, Alfaqoor Mummie, told reporters that such legislation was absolutely necessary to progress as a society.

"Assault games are obsolete," he said. "All these other 'developed' countries have banned them. We need to come into the modern world and follow suit."

Both bills are expected to be unanimously approved by the House and Senate in the coming days.

This article was written by a The Garlic contributor. As the world's premier news reporting agency, The Garlic ensures that all content is 100% accurate. Please do not contact the UP staff regarding informational accuracy in this article; doing so may result in severe fees.

ON THE WIRE

Local AR-15: "It's a tough life when people don't let you do what you're made to" [ 5243 ]
DailyFail surpasses The Garlic as world's premier news reporting agency [ 9429 ]
Ahmadinejad: Israel really is not real [ 1375 ]
Al-Qaeda terror summit in Alana, GE to educate next generation of Jihadists [ 922 ]

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by **Virana** » Mon May 06, 2013 8:09 pm

Analyst: Prussian news outlet gets the story right
Former reporter confirms that PrussCorp actually reported accurate news and not nonsensical bullshit

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^{6 May 2013 10:48 PM | By Joshua Rigalis (@JRig_Garlic) (The Garlic)}

BERLIN, German "Empire" — In a unique and historic turn of events, completely unbiased news network PrussCorp reported a story with accurate facts instead of the normal completely nonsensical bullshit, according to media analyst Jason Keyes.

"I mean, it's clear that they put a lot of effort into the informational accuracy of their articles," Keyes said. "They even got Premislyd's official name right. It's obviously not 'Islamic Social Republic', unlike what Premislyd's government documents state. PrussCorp, who called it 'Islamic Social Union', definitely got it right. Premislyd is wrong about their official name."

The article in question said that the United Republic of Emmeria "vowed to support Pravengria's anti-ACA threats", and then proceeded to quote U.R. Defense Secretary Aiden Lawson and an Emmerian economist bashing Pravengria's decision.

It is clear to The Garlic that this represents the pinnacle of accurate reporting.

"There's this new thing they invented that generally prevents such informational fallacies," the U.R. Defense Secretary told The Garlic. "It's something they started teaching to first-graders about 100 years ago, and it's called 'reading'."

The Garlic does not officially support Secretary Lawson's opinion. Obviously Secretary Lawson has not been paying attention to world events in his criticism of PrussCorp. In order to support its opinion, The Garlic is hereby suing Secretary Aiden Lawson for prostitution, and is willing to donate PrussCorp 160,000 prescription lenses to aid them in their cause.

This article was written by a The Garlic contributor. As the world's premier news reporting agency, The Garlic ensures that all content is 100% accurate. Please do not contact the UP staff regarding informational accuracy in this article; doing so may result in severe fees.

ON THE WIRE

American Bill O'Reilly claims Prussian political pundit Maximilian Pflanz is his long-lost twin [ 5243 ]
PrussCorp soars past The Garlic and British network DailyFail as world's greatest news network, say analysts [ 9429 ]
Pravene cruise ship captain: "It takes effort, but I finally fulfilled my goal of capsizing my huge-ass ship" [ 1375 ]
Titianicia to be spacelifted out of Tyrrhenia [ 922 ]

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by **Virana** » Tue May 07, 2013 7:21 pm

Gallup Poll: 80% of rural Emmerians would prefer Kaiser Steinfuck to Pres. Castilla
Poll confirms widely held opinion favoring German emperor to incumbent U.R. president

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^{7 May 2013 10:08 PM | By Joshua Rigalis (@JRig_Garlic) (The Garlic)}

Rural town, UNITED REPUBLIC — A recent Gallup poll reported that 80% of rural Emmerians would prefer German Empire Kaiser B.E. Steinfuck over current United Republic President Luis Castilla.

"We don't need no damn gay-lovin' liberal as prez-ee-daynt!" rural Emmerian Doug Smith told The Garlic. "What we need is a conceited, self-centered, arrogant man! And Kaiser Steinfuck is the perfect choice!"

Gallup indicated that Kaiser Steinfuck comprised 81% of poll answers. Other high vote-getters were New Belhavian Emperor Ryan Alien (7%), Rodarian Pope Suburban (5%), and Titianician dear leader Jack Laggin' (2%). President Luis Castilla received .005% of the 9,213,294,293,291,243,000 votes.

The poll may end up determining the outcome of the election later this year.

This article was written by a The Garlic contributor. As the world's premier news reporting agency, The Garlic ensures that all content is 100% accurate. Please do not contact the UP staff regarding informational accuracy in this article; doing so may result in severe fees.

ON THE WIRE

Rodarion Electric Army cyberattack prompts The Garlic to change all passwords to "GarlicMan77" [ 5243 ]
Pravene National News network manages to use same image in three consecutive articles due to budget cuts [ 9429 ]
Capsized cruise captain: "You see that shit? It was all fucking skill" [ 1375 ]
Premislyd Otveronronoronrowonsronrost reforms may succeed in doing absolutely nothing [ 922 ]

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by **Virana** » Thu May 09, 2013 5:42 pm

Adolf von Welf: ACA will not soften its dick in Pardes
German Deputy Foreign Minister: "No, we will stick our penis farther up Pardes's ass"

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^{9 May 2013 7:53 PM | By Joshua Rigalis (@JRig_Garlic) (The Garlic)}

BERLIN, German "Empire" — German Deputy Foreign Minist~~ress~~er Adolf von Welf announced that the ACA, including the German Empire, was indeed not going to remove its abnormally small penis from Pardes.

"Because of our kind words to the United Republic of Emmeria after the death of its late President Castilla, people have considered the possibility for us and the rest of the ACA to soften our dick in Pardes. That is not the case. No, we will stick our penis farther up Pardes's ass, until Pardes is begging for us to leave."

The Deputy Foreign Minister was then informed that Pardes has been begging his dick to be removed for a while.

"NO THEY DON'T," he replied furiously. "YOU ARE OF QUIGLEY CABAL!" He then pulled his hand out of his pants and jumped onto The Garlic's reporter.

The reporter was never seen again, his last known words being "THE BALLJUICE! IT BURRRNNSS!"

This article was written by a The Garlic contributor. As the world's premier news reporting agency, The Garlic ensures that all content is 100% accurate. Please do not contact the UP staff regarding informational accuracy in this article; doing so may result in severe fees.

ON THE WIRE

People still dying in cruise ship crash; Pravene government still wondering why no one else cares [ 5243 ]
BREAKING: Anonymous beaner shot in head while talking to a group of people on a microphone in Premislyd [ 9429 ]
Quigley on cruise ship crash: "This is tyranny" [ 1375 ]
ACA leaders to participate in annual Crypto-Fascism Summit in Provisa [ 922 ]

3511 comments

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by **Virana** » Fri May 10, 2013 4:54 pm

Castillian people demand sandwich welfare program
Citizens: "We have a woman leader, so give us our Sandwicare already!"

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^{10 May 2013 7:53 PM | By Joshua Rigalis (@JRig_Garlic) (The Garlic)}

PRESLAFF, Castille de Italia — Citizens held a riot in Preslaff earlier today demanding that Chancellor Victoria Mede finally institute the Sandwicare reforms she had promised long ago.

However, government officials denied that she had promised such reforms.

"Even though it'd be great to have that bitch making us sandwiches," one official told The Garlic, "I don't think she promised anything."

The opinion was opposed by the rioters.

One rioter told The Garlic that "the fact that she became chancellor should've been enough to assure us that we would receive free sandwich welfare, I mean goddamn."

Another said: "I don't understand how these women think it's okay to lead an entire country and then turn around and don't even make sandwiches for us men. It's really sad what this world is coming to."

Womens rights activists were also part of the thunderous rally. One of them said that it is "an embarrassment to women as a functionally equal sex if they refuse to even make sandwiches. It is an inherent right of women to make sandwiches for men and I believe that it should be implemented as law."

Akimonadi President Johnathan Quigley said during a media conference that he was on the peoples' side.

"Their lack of a sandwich welfare program with a female leader is without a doubt unspeakably tyrannical," he said. "Akimonad will stand by the people of Castille de Italia in their bid for increased freedom."

He then added, "If their bid fails, we will not hesitate to take action and make Ms. Mede pay the price to her people by giving away her sextapes for free."

Rioters were enthusiastic of the support they garnered from foreign governments.

"Hell's yeah," one redneck-looking man remarked. "I want big fat Belhavian salami," he concluded, wearing his best "I Heart ACA" t-shirt.

The crowd of rioters then gangbanged the reporter, stealing his wallet for money to buy sandwiches because they still couldn't afford them.

This article was written by a The Garlic contributor. As the world's premier news reporting agency, The Garlic ensures that all content is 100% accurate. Please do not contact the UP staff regarding informational accuracy in this article; doing so may result in severe fees.

ON THE WIRE

Castillian chancellor almost well enough to return to kitchen, reports say [ 5243 ]
Prussia to become ACA's new motivational buttplug; status downgraded from "Founder" to "Cheerleader" [ 9429 ]
Pravene government calls for anti-ACA summit, wonders why no one else cares [ 1375 ]
ACA leadership: Global Crypto-Fascism Summit (GCFS) a huge success, "we learned a lot" [ 922 ]
Provisa to Berlin: "We give the fuck up, I mean come on" [ 922 ]
Waterson: "Congrats to UP to figure out I was lying" [ 1242 ]
Ghost of Rodarian president Ion Iliescu to follow in Pres. Luis Castilla's footsteps [ 815 ]
Pravengria: "We sunk a ship and no one cared, they killed their president and everyone feels fucking sorry?" [ 1851 ]
President Hayes: ACA an "alliance of illegitimate turds" [ 751 ]

3511 comments

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by **Virana** » Fri May 10, 2013 10:04 pm

by **Virana** » Sun May 12, 2013 5:12 pm

Dangerous "Quigley Cabale" outlawed in United Republic
Scientists: Santheres beer has a number of harmful side-effects

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^{12 May 2013 7:53 PM | By Joshua Rigalis (@JRig_Garlic) (The Garlic)}

OURED, D.A., United Republic — The Senate and House unanimously passed a joint bill outlawing the notorious "Quigley Cabale", a beer produced by the Santherese Porto Viro Microbrewery, due to its gruesome side-effects.

During testing on live humans, scientists were alarmed at their results.

"Quigley Cabale test subjects resorted to tossing their computers into a lake and eating their eyes out. They were jumping and screaming and yelling at us for some unspecified abomination that they said was destroying the world," one scientist said in a presentation before a joint session of Congress. "The only other way to produce these effects is by forcing test subjects to read PrussCorp," he added, referring to the renowned Prussian media outlet known for matching American ~~Fucks~~ Fox News and British ~~DailyFail~~ DailyMail in terms of journalistic content value.

Other subjects were reported as having been inflicted with Steinfuck's Syndrome, a disease in which they experienced unparalleled delusions of grandeur and became highly conceited and arrogant. They also began to call everyone except their closest friends "minions of Quigley", although scientists were unable to determine the nature of the statement or what it was supposed to mean.

The disease, discovered just two months ago, is named after C. F. Steinfuck, an insignificant man who became the first to be diagnosed with it when his relatives noticed that he was exhibiting the aforementioned symptoms.

However, scientists confirmed that the newly discovered disease is not very contagious. Despite this fact, they stated that it could be spread through the air and recommended that Emmerian citizens breathe less in order to lessen their chance of acquiring Steinfuck's Syndrome.

This article was written by a The Garlic contributor. As the world's premier news reporting agency, The Garlic ensures that all content is 100% accurate. Please do not contact the UP staff regarding informational accuracy in this article; doing so may result in severe fees.

ON THE WIRE

German emperor, Castillian chancellor "really hitting it off" [ 5243 ]
Reports: Steinfuck confirms raging desire to get into bed with Akimonad President Johnathan Quigley [ 9429 ]
Reports: Castille de Italia pussied out of Lyramoni war, still refuses to man up [ 1375 ]
Estovakiva Viking Navy to retake world, enter Valhalla to prepare for Ragnarok [ 922 ]
United Republic purchases "IASM Territory" from Ralkovia, forecloses current tenant; "Ditor behind on rent", says Hayes [ 922 ]
Rodar Pope Prius to Castillian Pope Guilty: "Nigga I'm the only pope" [ 1242 ]
Prussian government: "If we say 'Quigley Cabal' enough, it might actually catch on" [ 815 ]
PrussCorp Emmeria branch goes bankrupt due to lack of profit [ 1851 ]
UP CEO to PrussCorp: "No, you use #808080, we use #0080BF, so suck my dick you lying cunt" [ 751 ]

3511 comments

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by **Virana** » Sun Jun 09, 2013 10:13 am

Random Belhavian man to cry
Man: "They insulted Silverman D:<"

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^{9 June 2013 7:53 PM | By Joshua Rigalis (@JRig_Garlic) (The Garlic)}

This random Belhavian man is on the verge of tears because, after deeply analyzing an Akimonadi article with a fine-tooth comb, he felt that the Akimondi government insulted the Belhavian president, Silverman.

PROVISA, Belhavia — In a whirlwind of events, a random Belhavian man told The Garlic that he was going to cry.

"They [Akimonad] insulted Silverman D:<," he spoke to The Garlic reporters. "They make me angry!"

The Garlic believes that the man is absolutely right; after analyzing the meaning behind every single word of the report by Akimonadi outlet RFH, The Garlic found blatant disrespect for the Almighty, All-Knowing, All-Powerful, All-Seeing, Most-Merciful Belhavian Silverman, who happens to be the president of the country.

In one instance, Akimonadi President Johnathan Pigley made a direct appeal to Silverman, saying "I tagged you Silverman, now it's your turn to be it!" Belhavian government officials were also outraged because President Pigley forgot to say "president" before Silverman.

One Belhavian official, also on the verge of tears, told The Garlic that "If they disrespect the The One Ruler, The One Master, The One Almighty again, we will dismiss them [the Akimonadis]!" The scary and utterly inhumane threat by this official could possibly shift the Akimonadi position a couple inches.

The Garlic was unable to independently confirm these allegations. However, The Garlic would like to let the Belhavian government and the All-Knowing Ruler Silverman know that The Garlic is on their side.

This article was written by a The Garlic contributor. As the world's premier news reporting agency, The Garlic ensures that all content is 100% accurate. Please do not contact the UP staff regarding informational accuracy in this article; doing so may result in severe fees.

ON THE WIRE

Steinfuck: "Oh my god Quigley, your monocle is soooo sexy" [ 5243 ]
Pravengria to break out War Dildos in face of recent Pardes conflicts [ 9429 ]
Castillian news network CNN "totally not biased and definitely privately-owned" [ 1375 ]
Estovakiva admiral still shittin and Putin [ 922 ]
Castillian people: "CNN is so neutral that we read The Garlic instead" [ 922 ]
Titianician Ditor successfully brings his country to space outside of hellhole called "Tyrrhenia" [ 1242 ]
Rodar Pope Prius: "God will shoot down any n00ks they fire" [ 815 ]
Belhavian officials "puzzled" at Akimonadi demands, unable to comprehend simple sentence construction [ 1851 ]
Pravene admiral: "Don't worry economists, our Almighty Oil tankers have been cleaned of Oil" [ 751 ]

3511 comments

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by **Virana** » Sat Jun 29, 2013 2:30 pm

Desperate Rodarian police break out salad dishes against intense riots
Police use advanced techniques to counter protestors

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^{9 June 2013 7:53 PM | By Joshua Rigalis (@JRig_Garlic) (The Garlic)}

This image, featured on a report by all-neutral, all-objective Rodarian state news network PRRB, depicts police officers arresting a blasphemous rioter while using advanced salad bowls to defend against objects thrown their way.

ROMULÂ, Rodarion — As riots by evil infidels continue in Rodarion, police have resorted to unique technologies and techniques to counter them safely.

One method is the use of salad dishes to block objects thrown at police officers by police. Police, however, refused to call them salad dishes.

"We utilize advanced hetergenous edible mixture carriers constructed of sophisticated silvery-white, highly reactive composites with 13 protons in each atom to block common items thrown at our law enforcement personnel, such as Solanum lycopersicum and solid mineral aggregates," the Romulă police chief said. "This ensures our uniformed officers remain well-protected in the face of angry rioters."

This advanced technology is coupled by the police's use of synthetic organic material-constructed correctional crowd dispersal systems, which provides officers with an edge over violent protestors.

If worst comes to worst, officers are armed with lachrymatory aerosol agents in pressurized elongated dispensing systems to cause temporary blindness to rioters, making them easier to subdue under the fist of the Regime. Such a system not only makes it easier to destroy freedom, but also makes for brilliant photograph moments.

This article was written by a The Garlic contributor. As the world's premier news reporting agency, The Garlic ensures that all content is 100% accurate. Please do not contact the UP staff regarding informational accuracy in this article; doing so may result in severe fees.

ON THE WIRE

Study: New Belhavia is secretly Islamist-dominated terror state [ 5243 ]
Akimonad President Pigley: ACA disbanding is a ruse to give worldwide fascists more power [ 9429 ]
Pravene government unsure why people don't care that it doesn't want Hardenburgh independence [ 1375 ]
The Garlic to become official news network of New Belhavia [ 922 ]
Random man: "Chancellor Victoria Mede, how do you rule from the kitchen?" [ 922 ]
Pope Prius wins award for most pussy pope in history [ 1242 ]
Rodarion police: "No srsly, we didn't mean to kill 180 unarmed people" [ 815 ]
World wonders why Havenwalde needed government proposal to recognize country that hasn't declared independence yet [ 1851 ]
U.R. President Washing Ton Craze to give up black instincts and stop stealing from local market [ 751 ]

3511 comments

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by **Virana** » Thu Aug 29, 2013 2:21 pm

Tyrrhenia Today: Despotic despots fail at despotism in Bulgislavia
Experts blast Tyrrhenian tyranny for not being tyrannical

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^{29 August 2013 7:53 PM | By Joshua Rigalis (@JRig_Garlic) (The Garlic)}

A sign alerting travelers of oppression ahead of them. Such a sign definitely does not exist for entering Bulgislavia.

PROVISIONAL ASSEMBLY, Revolutionary Revolution of the Revolutionary Proletariat's Glorious Worker's Republic of the People's Revolution of Bulgislavia — A Communist revolution spurred the political landscape in Levantian hellhole Bulgislavia recently, as the glorious people's proletarian revolutionary republic began to eradicate the evils of capitalism from its lands in favor of the all-glorious ideology of Communism.

However, following a statement from the Bulgislavian government that it was a democracy, the country took fire from political experts for its lack of tyranny.

Pundit Ron O'Donnel called it "wannabe oppression" in his statement.

"It's clear that Bulgislavia needs to up the ante when it comes to the systematic destruction of all previous order and common sense, and the implementation of a faceless, anti-individual, counter-productive Society like true Communists," he told The Garlic. "Elections are vehicles of the capitalists that violate the ideals of a true revolutionary revolution of the worker's proletariat. The Provisional Assembly and Workers International are spineless organizations hellbent on preventing tyranny from entering the country."

The statements came when the Provisional Assembly, the organization currently in control of the country and soon-to-be Stalinist rulers, announced the country was a "Revolutionary People's Democracy".

Bulgislavian businessmen: "Nigga we ain't scurd"

According to a report by the Bulgislavian People's Propaganda Network, many wealthy businessmen fled the country before facing the destruction of their companies in order to go to countries that support free enterprise. However, the report made clear that many businessmen stayed in the country.

One businessman, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told The Garlic: "Why should I be worried? They are just going to come in and eradicate everything I've tirelessly worked my ass off to put together. I'm excited!" The businessman was never seen again after a group of men in trench coats and peaked caps dragged him away.

Yet another said: "Nigga we ain't scurd."

Additionally, a travel advisory was issued for the Revolutionary Revolution of the Revolutionary Proletariat's Glorious Worker's Republic of the People's Revolution of Bulgislavia.

This article was written by a The Garlic contributor. As the world's premier news reporting agency, The Garlic ensures that all content is 100% accurate. Please do not contact the UP staff regarding informational accuracy in this article; doing so may result in severe fees.

ON THE WIRE

Inside Bulgislavian culture: January 10, the Revolutionary Republican Proletariat Day of the Revolution [ 5243 ]
Provisional Assembly chairperson: "I am sexually attracted to... la Revolucion" [ 9429 ]
Belhavian politicians: "Yeah we got billions from German super-PACs, but srsly it wasn't our fault" [ 1375 ]
Lanos initiates moon colonization program [ 922 ]
Rodarian elections promise to continue prosperity for the world's only Democracy, God says [ 922 ]
New Belhavian government contemplating between the only option in regards to intervention in Bulgislavia [ 1242 ]
Report: Millions of courageous Belhavians overcoming media pressure to become thin [ 815 ]
Study: People far away from you are not actually smaller than you [ 1851 ]
Leading Tyrrhenian auto manufacturer designs SUV that runs purely on gasoline [ 751 ]

3511 comments

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Last.fm · by **Bodobol** » Thu Aug 29, 2013 2:38 pm

This is so realistic-looking I actually tried to leave a message in the little box at the bottom of the articles.

by **Virana** » Mon Sep 02, 2013 5:20 pm

Obnoxious five-year-old at it again, say experts
Local kid calling himself German Kaiser cries because another kid got a different color toy

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^{29 August 2013 7:53 PM | By Joshua Rigalis (@JRig_Garlic) (The Garlic)}

Allegedly, German Kaiser B.E. Steinfuck at a photoshoot during the 2013 ACA-Pardes crisis.

BERLIN, Nazi German Empire — Local child B.E. Steinfuck, 5, continued his obnoxious behavior earlier today according to senior German officials, upsetting a long period of silence.

"He entered his 'big-and-scary-words' mode," a senior official told The Garlic. "It's so cute watching him bring out his older brother's SAT vocab book and make intimidating statements."

According to the official, the child was upset because one of his neighbors got a toy similar to his, but in a different color.

"He was very angry that someone would get a red toy instead of a blue toy," the official said. "The child was threatening to eradicate the evil of the red toy."

The official statement from the child: "The Red Toy is a disease, for which the only cure is the prosperity and and success of blue toys!" he exclaimed slowly, flipping through the red SAT vocabulary book. "The tradition and stability of the great monarchies and empires of the world only speaks to the righteousness of our cause. Only by force will Tyrrhenia be rid of the vile ideology of the Red. Let us return these pitiful untermensch to their chains!"

At the time of this article's publishing, the parents were unsure what the child meant.

"I don't know what this kid is up to," an absurdly poor man in the streets of Germany said. "He should just shut up already."

This article was written by a The Garlic contributor. As the world's premier news reporting agency, The Garlic ensures that all content is 100% accurate. Please do not contact the UP staff regarding informational accuracy in this article; doing so may result in severe fees.

ON THE WIRE

The Garlic subsidiary Leeks information on next-generation Bulgislavian missile defense technology [ 5243 ]
Bulgislavian man: "These umbrella gatherings are so annoying" [ 9429 ]
PrussCorp finally decides to switch to professional logo; experts say Provisa Times may be next [ 1375 ]
Militant organization P74 to hold annual conference in New Belhavia [ 922 ]
Belhavian CEO has special knack of taking great ideas and ruining them [ 922 ]
Local man's political views universally hated in real life, flees to online web forum termed "NSG" [ 1242 ]
Reports: German government may seek restraining order against B.E. Steinfuck [ 815 ]
Study: Bulgislavians "converge" in massive, umbrella-covered rallies where they can act like crazy monkey banana people [ 1851 ]
Tyrrhenian powers prepare black nuclear-powered, underwater war dildos to fire missiles [ 751 ]

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by **Virana** » Sat Feb 08, 2014 6:10 pm

News in Photos: Ultramodern Papal Army deploys to Belfrasian border
Most advanced army on earth, equipped directly by God, sends troops to the Rodarion-Belfras border

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^{29 August 2013 7:53 PM | By Joshua Rigalis (@JRig_Garlic) (The Garlic)}

The Papal Army lining up on the border with southeast Belfras. As clearly displayed in this photograph, the Papal Army's advanced technological warfare equipment derives its origins from development conducted inside God's own R&D department on Jesus Street, Heaven.

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