Elfen High 2 News Thread (Closed to EHers)

[Nationstatelandsville]

Caliban smiled.

"Then I really don't have any place to say no, do I?" he asked, "That said, I don't see why you're talking to me about this. I'm just a journalist. You should be talking to some demon leader, except, no, we don't have those, do we, Raphael?

Anyhow, you'll want to talk to Lord Alastor. A lot of my brothers in Heavensgate worship him as a god. Some literally."

"We have made contact with Mr. Alastor already." Sanchez said.

"Bitch agreed after I reminded him I owned his ass and signed his bloody paycheck." Crowley said in a more concise manner. "In any case, we're going to begin construction on the city soon. A city named Auragrad. I assume you'll be moving in, no duh?"

"There will be fair access for angel immigration, however." Raphael said.

"But also fair for humans." Sanchez said in reply.

"How about we just say 'fair for everyone', have a cigar and move the fuck on, wankers?" Crowley questioned.

"I am all for cigars," Caliban said, smiling mischievously, "but Raphael is likely busy tending to his flower garden. How many are there now? A hundred?"

His eyes glittered the moon on water - he was being clever and enjoying it.

"But, anyhow," he added, "I'll see. My wife, I assume has given birth by now? I tried to go visit but it seems that doctors carry shotguns in Heavensgate. You learn something new everyday."

[Nightkill the Emperor]

Something relatively unexpected occurred on what was usually a dull spot, the American-Canadian border. It was such a dull spot that it tended to amaze many Yanks and Canucks when they found out it was a real thing.

But indeed it was, and this tranquil peace was interrupted very suddenly one evening.

Various headlines popped up on news screens everywhere.

Explosion in Okanagan
B.C Blast
Terror at America's Doorstep?

The blast had occurred a few metres short of the US border. A vehicle had stopped there, waiting for inspection, then exploded. Violently.

The death poll pushed one hundred and fifty, not counting those who were utterly vaporised in the blast.

It was, as they later found out, the fault of a man named Abdullah Rathore. A British-born man of Pakistani descent, Rathore grew up in a Cardiff slum and developed an addiction to heroin. With the aid of his local imam, he broke himself free of his addiction and been to be more interested in his Islamic faith.

He eventually went to UC San Diego for a degree in engineering, where he came in contact with the Free Earth underground movement. Nobody is quite sure what happened to the promising young Rathore in that time, but after he gained a Bachelor's degree he went back to Cardiff and blew up many busy bridges and several important buildings, killing up to three hundred and eighty people in total in late 2019. This had coincided with
Crowley's "world ending" announcement and caused a mass panic throughout the UK.

Now a wanted man, the twenty two year old Rathore disappeared from the Earth, but the CIA and M16 had information leaked via WikiLeaks that Rathore had been hiding out in Kuwait before attacking at the American-Canadian border.

His whereabouts are currently unknown.

[Nationstatelandsville]

From Wikipedia's article on Lewis Jameson -

Works

In August of 2020, family friend Aleister Crowley^[no] released Jameson's private journals (removing the entries about himself, citing 'compassion for my fellow human beings') to the public under the title The Jameson Journals: The Chronicles of a Knight Errant^[6}, purported to be the true story of Jameson's life. The book faced scathing reviews from human critics, calling it "winding" ^[7]. "trite"^{8], and "functionally retarded"^{9]. Despite this, the book was an instant bestseller on Earth^[10] and Hell^[11], and is now taught in many demonic English classes alongside classics such as To Kill a Mockingbird and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer as an exploration of American culture^[12]. Many home-schooled demons learn to speak English from this book^{[citation needed]}. Coincidentally, most demons "suck balls at spelling"^[13]. Many historians, archaeologists, sociologists, psychologists, biologists, physicists, and wizards have spoken against The Journals, individuals such as Warren G. Harding^[14] have come out as saying "This is all bullshit", before breaking down in tears^[15]. Regardless, Crowley and the Jameson family have held firm^[16] that these are the true events of Jameson's life, or at least as he recorded them.^[17][18][19]

[Individuality-ness]

From The Washington Post 10 April 2020.

Obituaries

---

Washington D.C.—A beloved wife and daughter, Hazel Carter [nee Fuse], United States ambassador to the Middle East, was declared to be deceased in Cairo April 4, 2020, aged 29.

Graduating magna cum laude from University of Michigan in 2012 with a BA in History, Hazel moved to Washington D.C., where she pursued a MA in Middle Eastern History. She found work in the State Department in 2013, and has served as an ambassador in countries all around the Middle East, including Iran, Iraq, Egypt, and Saudi Arabia.

She is survived by her husband Nathaniel and daughter Alison.

Memorial services will be held April 16, 2020 at Washington National Cathedral at 10 AM.

[Nude East Ireland]

"And we're back to World News, with Ewan McGregor. All this week, critics have been raving about the recent box-office success, Aquaman III."

"Critics have called it 'a film masterpiece', and it has been placed in the rankings with such classics as Casablanca, Star Wars, and the grande finale of Doctor Who. Unlike the prequel, Aquaman II: Lost in Atlantis, Aquaman III has inspired many to take up cameras and make their own films. The main character, Aquaman, has become a success with this reboot of his origins, now ranked as number two on Stan Lee's 'Greatest Heroes of All Time' list, just underneath Batman and just above Spiderman."

"In other news, Futurama is back on the air forever."

[Astrolinium]

From The Times - 23rd April, 2020

Early this morning the BBC announced that Doctor Who would be returning to the air on BBC Two following its cancellation in 2018. The programme will return to the air headed by American head script writer Jonathan LandsVille and featuring Jim Broadbent as the aging Thirteenth Doctor, with Katie Leung as his companion. The programme, which began in 1963, was first cancelled following a ratings dive-bomb in 1989 only to return 16 years later. The show was cancelled again under the showrunnership of Mark Gatiss following the realization of a plan for the show first suggested in the late 1980's by script editor Andrew Cartmel and subsequent loss of interest in the show. New show runner LandsVille -- whom the fans are already hailing as "JLV" -- promises a darker, edgier Who with a focus on returning the Doctor to his mysterious roots, and was quoted as saying, "I plan to make Doctor Who scary again - the days when Cybermen would send children running behind the sofa are very much on their way back."

The series will return on 23rd November with Salvation of the Daleks.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

From The Times - 23rd April, 2020

Early this morning the BBC announced that Doctor Who would be returning to the air on BBC Two following its cancellation in 2016. The programme will return to the air headed by American head script writer Jonathan LandsVille and featuring Jim Broadbent as the aging Thirteenth Doctor, with Katie Leung as his companion. The programme, which began in 1963, was first cancelled following a ratings dive-bomb in 1989 only to return 16 years later. The show was cancelled again under the showrunnership of Mark Gatiss following the realization of a plan for the show first suggested in the late 1980's by script editor Andrew Cartmel and subsequent loss of interest in the show. New show runner LandsVille -- whom the fans are already hailing as "JLV" -- promises a darker, edgier Who with a focus on returning the Doctor to his mysterious roots, and was quoted as saying, "I plan to make Doctor Who scary again - the days when Cybermen would send children running behind the sofa are very much on their way back."

The series will return on 23rd November with Redemption of the Daleks.

Doctor Who message boards across the Internet are already going utterly bonkers at the thought of an American running Doctor Who.

JLV was found in a bit of a tight spot when British fans cornered him in Cardiff, and he tried to reassure them by stating that "Do not worry. The Doctor will fight many an angry in this season."

After The Angries appeared in the show, British fans grudgingly admitted there might be something to this, but still were angry at a non-Commonwealther running the show. As a result, Aleister Crowley gave JLV Elfen High citizenship as a compromise.

[Nationstatelandsville]

From The Times - 23rd April, 2020

Early this morning the BBC announced that Doctor Who would be returning to the air on BBC Two following its cancellation in 2016. The programme will return to the air headed by American head script writer Jonathan LandsVille and featuring Jim Broadbent as the aging Thirteenth Doctor, with Katie Leung as his companion. The programme, which began in 1963, was first cancelled following a ratings dive-bomb in 1989 only to return 16 years later. The show was cancelled again under the showrunnership of Mark Gatiss following the realization of a plan for the show first suggested in the late 1980's by script editor Andrew Cartmel and subsequent loss of interest in the show. New show runner LandsVille -- whom the fans are already hailing as "JLV" -- promises a darker, edgier Who with a focus on returning the Doctor to his mysterious roots, and was quoted as saying, "I plan to make Doctor Who scary again - the days when Cybermen would send children running behind the sofa are very much on their way back."

The series will return on 23rd November with Redemption of the Daleks.

Doctor Who message boards across the Internet are already going utterly bonkers at the thought of an American running Doctor Who.

JLV was found in a bit of a tight spot when British fans cornered him in Cardiff, and he tried to reassure them by stating that "Do not worry. The Doctor will fight many an angry in this season."

After The Angries appeared in the show, British fans grudgingly admitted there might be something to this, but still were angry at a non-Commonwealther running the show. As a result, Aleister Crowley gave JLV Elfen High citizenship as a compromise.

He immediately erected a statue of John Paul Jones in his yard, because he was that kind of asshole.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

BBC

After a long process, the new Cuban Constitution has finally been designed and approved by Raul Castro, who stepped down from his position today. Castro, who originally was to step down in 2018, stayed to formalise Cuba's new democratic government.

Castro states that the decision was necessary. "With this changing world, the Cuban people cannot continue to suffer under the embargo. This is not a decision I make lightly, but a sacrifice must be made to end the American embargo and aid the people of Cuba."

Fidel Castro, now deceased, wrote from Hell that "I support my brother Raul's decision and plead the Cuban people support the new government...the embargo has lasted far too long and we cannot continue to request the American government negotiate fairly with us and end it."

Rick Sanchez stated to BBC that he supported the decision of the Cuban people and that the President personally had assured him the embargo was over.

The Cuban government's elections saw three major parties arise. The Social Democratic Party, considered as the successors of the Castros, the Cuban Nationalist Party, a economically conservative and socially liberal party focused on Cuban nationalism, and the Miamian Party, made up of pro-American Cubans and Cubans who have returned to Cuba from exile. This party advocates Cuba join the United States.

In the meantime, the Cuban baseball team has been doing spectacularly on the world stage.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

"This is CNN. Construction of Auragrad seems halfway completed after a peaceful compromise had been reached with the rabble-rouser Jones and various other demons who followed him, oil prices in the Middle East have plummeted and Robert E. Lee is running for political office as a governor in New Virginia, an area recently carved out by the ISSR in Hell as an American colony." explained an American newscaster.

"We would have interviewed Aleister Crowley, but it appears the magician has done a no-show yet again. As known, the wizard has not left Elfen High- or has not been seen outside of the school- since he aided in negotiating a peace between Jones and Raphael. Who is Aleister Crowley then? An extravagant figure, certainly, and one who had seemed fond of the spotlight until the Abrahamic War. All we seem to know of him are rumours and heresay."

"Join us now as we begin a documentary detailing the life of Aleister Crowley and what we know of-" The newscaster paused, placing his hand to his ear. A pause. "All the tapes were deleted? What about the hard copies? Burned? How? Who the hel-" the man took his finger off his ear. "We apologise for the technical difficulties." he said, obviously flustered.

---

Crowley turned off the TV in his office, nodding to himself. "Good. I like my privacy." he sighed, glancing at the remaining tapes of the documentary which he stole out of curiosity. He spat in disgust. "Shitty video anyhow." he muttered, chucking them in a fireplace.

[Condunum]

The Japanese Baseball Riots: What caused them?

Surely, you've all read about the Japanese Baseball Riots. You know, the ones that evolved into a civilian war, complete with armored personnel carriers, technicals, barricades and all? Yeah, that one. The one that put the city on lockdown for two months, and caused over a thousand arrests. Well, what caused them? I'm here to answer that question.

It was thought that the riots began as a result of a particularly nasty on-field battle between struck batter Nihata Teko charged the mound in fury, screaming obscenities and family curses. Well, that would be the obvious cause, right? Wrong. See, it turns out that the long streak of injuries were the cause of a rigged game, something that hasn't occurred in Japanese baseball since the scandals of 2014, which brought the game to screeching halt for three years. The motives behind this was simple. Create fury in the players, and let drunken Japanese rage do the work.

The man behind the scandal, going by the name "Lobster claw" (we know, stupid name), paid pitcher Lihata Nariho to murder every player of the opposition. Obviously he didn't, as he only put them all out of play - permanently. A mere ten minutes after the fight broke out, shots were fired by henchman hired by mister Lobster Claw in the underbelly of the stadium killing dozens and wounding more. It's clear that this was intended to be a terrorist attack, but the motives have escaped all until a week ago, when Lobster Claw was captured. In his words, "Kyoto is the modern day Gotham City, and I intend to destroy the city, block by block. You think this is the start? HAH!"

It's unsure whether his threats are true or not, but all sources indicate that the threats are legitimate, as bombs went off in Tokyo's subway just two weeks ago, killing hundreds of passengers, and collapsing two lines.

[Astrolinium]

From The Times - 16 May, 2020

This afternoon the BBC announced that cult science fiction programme Doctor Who's return to television will be pushed back following the unexpected death of Jim Broadbent last Tuesday. Broadbent, aged 70, was slated to play the Thirteenth Doctor when the show returned to screens in November. Head script writer and producer Jonathan LandsVille has announced that he will make an announcement later this week about when he plans to announce the new lead actor, and was quoted as saying that this is, "a very hard time for all of us working on Who; Broadbent was absolutely a national treasure and he will be sorely missed. Nonetheless, the show must go on no matter what, and I and the rest of the team will begin looking for the new Thirteenth Doctor as soon as possible -- it's what Jim would have wanted."

It is unclear in what manner the footage of Broadbent already shot as the Thirteenth Doctor may or may not be utilized in the actual programme.

[Individuality-ness]

From the Nabu, a local newspaper in Hell, 5 May 2024

Goat/spider hybrids and now Spidergoat. What now?
Sandra Huang, editor in chief

Dr. Cassandra Bergman, professor at Resheph University, released a press statement today regarding the genetic engineering of something that has been fondly dubbed “Spidergoat”.

“The applications of spidergoat creations are enormous. Spidergoats can make much larger amounts of spider silk, which are needed to create parachutes, specialized suits for space travel, strong rope for climbers, and other things. We are excited on the possibilities that have now been opened up to us, and we hope that the governments of Earth will further support our work here at Resheph University.”

Spidergoat was created in vitro, and is now 2 months old.

A blog, whose owner was suspected to be an intern working for Dr. Bergman, was later quoted to saying the following:

Why did we create "Spidergoat"? Because it was fucking awesome. Period.

[Astrolinium]

From The Sun - 27 May, 2020

Following the announcement that the show would go on over at Doctor Who following the death of Jim Broadbent, we at The Sun talked to an insider source at the BBC about the casting of the next Doctor, and he confirmed that head writer LandsVille has already had several candidates in mind for the last month, when Broadbent first began to undergo chemotherapy treatment for Azbrag's Disease, the new supervirus that's literally from Hell. Our insider source said that those on LandsVille's shortlist included Rupert Grint, Karen Gillan, and Simon Pegg. The source said that LandsVille has often been seen leaving working muttering feverishly to himself about hordes and piles of gingers.

---------------------------------------------

From The Telegraph - 30 May, 2020

Infamous tabloid paper The Sun was finally sued today by the BBC for numerous violations of the new Fair Reporting Law on the grounds that The Sun -- affectionately dubbed "The Scum" by some readers -- has been misleading license fee payers for years with libel, lies, and outright fables.

[Nationstatelandsville]

From The Sun - 27 May, 2020

Following the announcement that the show would go on over at Doctor Who following the death of Jim Broadbent, we at The Sun talked to an insider source at the BBC about the casting of the next Doctor, and he confirmed that head writer LandsVille has already had several candidates in mind for the last month, when Broadbent first began to undergo chemotherapy treatment for Azbrag's Disease, the new supervirus that's literally from Hell. Our insider source said that those on LandsVille's shortlist included Rupert Grint, Karen Gillan, and Simon Pegg. The source said that LandsVille has often been seen leaving working muttering feverishly to himself about hordes and piles of gingers.

---------------------------------------------

From The Telegraph - 30 May, 2020

Infamous tabloid paper The Sun was finally sued today by the BBC for numerous violations of the new Fair Reporting Law on the grounds that The Sun -- affectionately dubbed "The Scum" by some readers -- has been misleading license fee payers for years with libel, lies, and outright fables.

From The Sun - 31 May, 2020

OhmygodwereonfirestopthatcrazysonofabitchEVERYONEISDEAD!

Ahem. Nothing to see here, folks.

[Astrolinium]

From The Chicago Sun-Times -- November 2026

For the first time since 1908, the Chicago Cubs have won the World Series. They won 18-17 druing Game 7 last night after five extra innings against the Mumbai Maharajas, in a historic series that marked the first time a non-North American team has been allowed to participate in the event.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

From The Chicago Sun-Times -- November 2026

For the first time since 1908, the Chicago Cubs have won the World Series. They won 18-17 druing Game 7 last night after five extra innings against the Mumbai Maharajas, in a historic series that marked the first time a non-North American team has been allowed to participate in the event.

December 2026-

The Mumbai Maharajas all quit drugs, disbanded the team and admitted they were so high they confused cricket and baseball.

[Astrolinium]

From Entertainment Weekly -- November 15th, 2020

Entertainment Weekly has been on the trail of James Cameron and Stephen Spielberg's latest project for the past several months, and ace reporter Don Fresno has finally got them to talk about the much anticipated motion picture which audiences glimpsed in the trailers of Jurassic Park V as nothing more than an explosion set to a voiceover by Ben Kingsley in Marathi. Spielberg, whom EW tracked down in his pool this week, had this to say about the project:

How the fuck did you people get into my house? I'm calling the goddamn cops!

As Fresno was escorted out by police, however, he did happen to notice a set of files on Spielberg's desk related to something called Mumbai Tea Party.

[Nationstatelandsville]

From The New York Times - December 2nd, 2020

Legal Action Pursued in Apple Inc. v. Taka-Jameson Inc.

Earlier today, Apple Inc. CEO Tim Cook announced at a press conference in Cupertino, CA that the former technological titan has filed to bring Taka-Jameson Inc. to court, saying; "No, really? I mean, does no one else see this? This is bullshit."

Taka-Jameson Inc. is a wildly successful technology empire from the small city-state of Elfen High, located on the edge of Norfolk, England. Taka-Jameson was founded only earlier this year, but has already cornered a unique place in the market for its unparalleled ability to blend magic and technology together into one device, easily used by normal human beings. Though many have attempted to make the connection since late 2012, the year in which the two worlds first spilled into each other, none before Taka-Jameson have so effortlessly meshed the two styles of living into one futuristic package.

Taka-Jameson's success can be traced back to its origins - Daisuke Taka and Franklin Jameson are both second-generation citizens of Elfen High, as well as students in its magical school. They, unlike anyone on the outside of Elfen High, have the advantages of both constant magical exposure and the affluence to reach a customer base. Most magic-users either dwell in the abject, war-torn poverty of Hell, or are insane hermits in the fringes of society. Though neither Taka nor Jameson are magic-users themselves, they still have a staff ripe with power to work with.

"Aleister Crowley is the greatest wizard alive," Taka (CEO) said in an earlier interview with Wired, "Yeah, he's a really big help. When he isn't being a cunt, that is."

Taka-Jameson has dominated a wide variety of technological markets with their revolutionary "magitech", as Taka calls it, ranging from weapons to transportation to communications. Though most are appreciative of the company's physics-defying, convenient devices, not all are pleased. Taka-Jameson's recent attempts to break into home computing through the HAL 9000 artificial intelligence has drawn scorn from some, calling it "an asshole".

"It fucked my wife," wrote one anonymous writer for Holyfuckingfuckweliveinthefuture.com, "It. Fucked. My wife."

Taka responds to criticism of the product with a shrug, "Don't look at me. D built it."

Franklin Damien "D" Jameson (founder/co-owner/VP of Special Research and Development) and his HAL computer are the cause for Apple's recent litigation. Cook has this to say -

"This is... I mean, no, really. We've patented some crazy bullshit before, but come on, we actually have a case here. Look at that smug asshole. Look at him. Arrogant genius with no fashion sense? Completely insufferable, but entirely revolutionary? Weird-ass birth story? He IS Steve."

Cook, of course, refers to former Apple CEO, chairman of the board, and co-founder, Steve Jobs, who passed away in late 2011. After recent expeditions to Hell found Jobs' head mounted on a wall in the eastern regions of Azazel's empire, Apple managed to trademark Jobs' likeness and mannerisms for holographic advertisement purposes. They now seek action against Taka-Jameson for violating said copyright, with Cook further describing Jameson as "a shallow parody - oh, and a smart-ass".

"I mean, really, he's just an extraordinary dick - just like Steve! I bet he even has children working in sweatshops somewhere, just like we don't. I bet, if you check out his factory, you'll find a whole bunch of atrocious human rights abuses. Like, nets to prevent suicides and shit. Starving kids banging out cellphones for pennies. Elevator music. Trust me here - I know this stuff. Because reasons."

Cook continues, "And now he's trying to get into computers? Uh, hello! That's our thing! Apple already won computers. Look at our ads. Look at them! You can't beat that shit. It's got the human spirit, and, like kids and shit. I'm pretty sure that Jameson guy's a kid, too. I think we own those. Larry! Check if we own kids!"

Most interpret this as a weak attempt by the faltering behemoth to lash out at its competitor before it can drain even further funds from the company, but Cook refutes this, saying; "No, guys, it's cool. I've got this." Despite Cook's getting this, Apple has taken massive blows in business after, simultaneously, everyone realized that, behind the sexy covers, Macs are actually kind of stupid.

"I mean, like, what the fuck is a safari?" said former chairman Arthur D. Levinson, "Is that a black kid's mating call or something? I want to fuck my iPhone - doesn't mean I know how to use it. No one does." Several moments later, Levinson orgasmed all over his phone while staring our reporter in the eyes.

In response to the allegations, Taka had this to say, "Though we see this a serious legal matter and will deal with it accordingly, I'm not sure why Mr. Cook wants to associate Mr. Jobs with the Jamesons. Have you met them? Lewis once walked into my room naked, covered in toothpaste, demanding to know where Sesame Street was hiding. He had a blood feud with Oscar."

His partner and the subject of the case, Jameson himself, merely laughed in our reporter's face, drank his coffee, and attempted to create a miniature black hole out of our reporter's pen.

Despite Cook's vigorous campaigning, however, it seems that this case has already floundered. In a short, ten minute session in Elfen High's cafeteria today, presiding justice Aleister Crowley dismissed the case on grounds of "wanting to fuck the defendant's mom".

"Seriously," he told Times reporters, "have you seen her? Her tits are huge and she's a pretty heavy drinker. I think I have a good shot at this."

Said mother could not be reached for comment.

Cook, however, remains optimistic.

"We don't have anything else to do with our time," he said with a smile, "Nothing at all, really. We've already designed every iBullshit until 3035. It really frees us up for stupid lawsuits. We literally own the second dimension by now. That's a dimension."

[Nude East Ireland]

"This week on MTV, Viscount Tonypandy - lead singer for the metal band Duke of London - has been arrested on charges of drug abuse, grand theft auto, grand theft space-station, animal cruelty to Hellworms, and littering. In an official press release, Tonypandy stated, 'The system, man - it's all bullshit. I'm a true American hero!' The band's manager, Matt Tenant, has stated that Tonypandy is, in fact, from Copenhagen, and is in no way American."

[Nightkill the Emperor]

2023

"Elfen High has reportedly massively increased funding in boob-related scientific research in Taka-Jameson. Headmaster Aleister Crowley states that this is for 'human rights purposes' and that boobs are always a good thing." said a BBC reporter. "However, a recent explosion of the cargo over the fields of Glasgow have caused many inhabitants to develop these breasts. Including-"

"WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK IS THIS?" roared Peter Capaldi, pointing at his new rack and jumping into view. "I FUCKING LOVE TITS MUCH AS THE NEXT FUCKER BUT THE FUCKING SHIT DOES THAT CROWLEY THINK HE'S FUCKING DOING WITH THI-"

*the report was quickly removed as Capaldi began to play around with his new assets*

[Nightkill the Emperor]

DAMASCUS—Syria’s ongoing civil war entered a new and dangerous phase today as tens of thousands of bloodthirsty bears reportedly descended on the strife-torn country, charging from city to city on a murderous rampage.

Terrified witnesses confirmed that scores of semi-conscious residents have been dragged from their homes by their necks, torn limb from limb, and had their innards feasted upon by hordes of vicious bears, which appeared to target individuals regardless of whether they supported President Bashar al-Assad or the insurgent opposition.

“We thought the violence couldn’t possibly get any worse, and then all of a sudden the streets were crawling with ferocious, roaring bears, indiscriminately thrashing everything in sight,” said Syrian rebel commander Salim Idris, wearing an eyepatch from a fresh claw wound he sustained earlier in the day. “I directed my fighters to shoot them on sight, but each bear takes so many bullets to subdue, and when one finally goes down three more fill in to take its place.”

“I don’t know what side the bears are on, but at this point it might not even matter,” he continued. “They’re everywhere and they’re extremely angry.”

Reports indicate that numerous species of bears have taken up positions in Syria’s shelled-out towns and cities, with residents confirming sightings of brown bears, spectacled bears, Asian sun bears, panda bears, and polar bears, many of which are said to appear bright red as their coats have been stained with human blood and viscera. Sources also reported witnessing scores of wild-eyed black bears scrambling up fire escapes and telephone poles to claw their way into upper floors of buildings, as well as ferocious Kodiak bears burrowing into underground shelters where many of the nation’s fearful citizens have taken refuge from the constant fighting and threat of chemical weapons attacks.

Syria’s hospitals, already overwhelmed with casualties from the near-daily sniper and mortar fire, have reportedly found themselves struggling to keep up with a sudden influx of severe bear maulings, bear tramplings, and innumerable bear bites.

Humanitarian agencies have also been rushing to replenish the country’s supplies of emergency food rations, which are said to have been scavenged to the point of exhaustion by the legions of burly ursine foragers who can consume over a hundred pounds of food or flesh per day.

“Before, all we had to worry about were gunfights and bombings, but now it’s gunfights, bombings, and bears,” said Raqqah resident Mustafa al-Khatib, who, like most Syrians, said he avoids venturing out onto streets strewn with rubble, body parts, and bear droppings. “Waiting in line each morning for our bread was already practically a suicide mission with all of Assad’s airstrikes, but now we have to watch out for bears who are just there for the bread. Things were better when it was just a ruthless government onslaught.”

According to local sources, at least 5,000 Syrian men, women, and children have been confirmed killed by bears in recent days, though the number is widely considered an underestimate as many bodies are believed to have been entirely consumed by the hungry omnivores.

“My son was eaten by a bear, my brother was shot by rebels and then eaten by a bear—this is the reality we have to live with every day,” said 32-year-old Amira Najjar, who noted that her entire refugee camp was recently torn to shreds by a family of Alaskan grizzlies. “And they can’t be reasoned with. They have no allegiance to any side. If Bashar al-Assad walked into the street right now he would absolutely be killed and eaten by bears.”

“I honestly don’t even know what’s going on here anymore,” added Najjar, dazedly shaking her head.

According to Syrians on both sides of the conflict, entire swaths of the country are now off-limits for fear that bombed-out buildings and blast craters could be harboring bands of angry scorpions, komodo dragons, mace-wielding cavaliers in full chain mail, or, as children recently swimming off the country’s coast discovered, giant piranhas.

“We’ve tried laying traps, blanketing the streets with land mines—we’ve even imported several dozen cargo planes full of Africanized bees to combat the bears, but the bees just ended up attacking us, too. Nothing has worked and we’re running out of options,” said Ahmed Rahmoud, a spokesman for the embattled regime. “While President Assad is, at present, willing to sit down and negotiate, these creatures are not only leaderless, they seem completely unwilling to compromise.”

-Washington Post. (However, in a weird alternate universe, this was published by satirical newspaper The Onion)

[Constaniana]

February 4th, 2025

"Today is a momentous day that will not be forgotten in the body wash industry for centuries. On the 15th anniversary of the beginning of the greatest advertisement campaign ever, Old Spice announced in a press conference today in Portland, Oregon, a site of pilgrimage for the many millions who wouldn't have been conceived had their fathers or grandfathers not worn Old Spice, that they would begin filming the greatest advert ever made. Featuring Neil Patrick Harris, Terry Crews, Patrick Stewart and Stephen Colbert as supporting characters, the ad is reportedly being called "Mano a mano in El Baño Dos: La Volve", and will feature another climatic battle as Fabio returns, with even longer hair to blow around in the wind and more Italianness, to once again try taking the sacred title of Old Spice Guy. Other plot details are still unknown as of now, as well as whether Isaiah Mustafa will star in it, but the announcement has already impacted the world. Other men's products giants, such as Axe and Gillette, have been greatly affected. In an interview, the CEO of Axe said:

"Yeah, we're pretty much done. We figure no man is going to want to buy our lady-scented bodywash anymore, not after this. Seriously, trying to top Mano a mano in El Baño Dos: La Volve is like trying to beat Super Saiyan Vegeta with a bendy straw when you're a chubby white boy with the flu. Now we're looking for new job opportunities while waiting for our company's inevitable demise."

The U.S Supreme court reportedly thought about ordering Old Spice to stop production of Mano a mano in El Baño Dos: La Volve for a total of 2.7 seconds before dismissing the idea completely. John G. Roberts, Jr released a statement on behalf of the Supreme Court, stating:

"Look, this is too awesome to prevent from happening. Besides, Axe has been douchey for Lord knows how long, and we don't want Terry Crews punching us with the power of Old Spice."

In other news, the number of men taking up horseriding and silverfish hand catching has increased."-U.S.A Today

[Individuality-ness]

Some typical OPs in NationStates General regarding demons.

What is the demon's role in the modern economy/society?
by Sanguria >> Sun, 31 May 2021 3:14 pm

So my best friend and I were talking together on Facebook a few hours ago when the subject of demon's place came up with the general conclusion that we don't know.

We accept that the demons are currently in need of jobs and of money, but we heard that the demons are terrible workers and that they're just sitting around scratching their butts and cursing God all day. We know that we humans are the innovators of the world, because we were the ones who created the computer, the air conditioning, the phone, the MP3 player, the microwave, and the stove, among other things such as figuring out math and discovering the Higgs boson.

So NSG, what do you think the role of demons are in the modern economy and of our society? Do you think they really have anything to offer us?

EARTH FOR THE HUMANS, HEAVEN FOR THE ANGELS, HEAVENSGATE FOR EVERYBODY!
by CUNTDEMONSSUKMYDIK >> Sun, 4 Jun 2026 9:14 pm

EARTH FOR THE HUMANS, HEAVEN FOR THE ANGELS, HELL FOR EVERYBODY!
Everybody says there is this RACE problem. Everybody says this RACE problem will be solved when the non-demons pours into EVERY demon country and ONLY into demon countries.

Earth and Heaven are just as crowded as Dagon or Yaw, but nobody says Dagon or Yaw will solve this RACE problem by bringing in millions of non-demons and quote assimilating unquote with them.

Everybody says the final solution to this RACE problem is for EVERY demon country and ONLY demon countries to “assimilate,” i.e., intermarry, with all those non-demons.

What if I said there was this RACE problem and this RACE problem would be solved only if hundreds of millions of demons were brought into EVERY angel country and ONLY into angel countries?

How long would it take anyone to realize I’m not talking about a RACE problem. I am talking about the final solution to the ANGEL problem?

And how long would it take any sane angel to notice this and what kind of psycho angel wouldn't object to this?

But if I tell that obvious truth about the ongoing program of genocide against my race, the demon race, Liberals and respectable conservatives agree that I am satanwantingtohaveeveryonesinandsufferdeath.

They say they are anti-racist. What they are is anti-demon.

Anti-racist is a code word for anti-demon.

Would you date a demon?
by Penultimate Peril >> Sun, 10 Jun 2028 1:01 pm

NSG, would you date a demon?

I know a few demons, and I have a few demon friends, and they seemed to be really nice. But as a human, I don't think it's right for demons and humans to date if they should wish. They're hellspawn, and they're ghastly and ugly looking. Can you imagine what kind of kids could spawn between a demon and a human relationship? The horror!

What do you think, NSG?

[Astrolinium]

From The Times -- 16 August, 2020

New Dr. Who Announced!

The BBC announced this morning that acclaimed comedic actor Rowan Atkinson will be portraying the Thirteenth Doctor Who. Atkinson was selected after several months of auditions following the unexpected death of Jim Broadbent, who had previously been slated to play the role when the show returned later this year. Executive producer Jon LandsVille had this to say regarding the choice: "Holy fucking shit. Rowan Atkinson. No, fuck you, you don't understand: Rowan Goddamn Atkinson. It wasn't even a choice; it only took this long because I like to watch the fans squirm as they wait in anticipation."

Atkinson, aged 65, previously played the Ninth incarnation of Doctor Who in the 1999 Red Nose Day special Doctor Who and the Curse of Fatal Death, penned by former executive producer Steven Moffat. When asked about the fact that both of current producer Jon LandsVille's choices for the Thirteenth Doctor Who played the character in the aforementioned special, he said only, "Moffat sits inside your head, Moffat lives among the dead, Moffat sees you in your bed and eats you when you're sleeping."

As a primarily comedic actor, there was considerable flurry among the Whovian community following the announcement. We at the Times took to the streets to interview several fans about the choice; here is a selection of responses.

"Oh, it's a complete and utter fucking cock up. I can't even believe they've let an American have the reigns and now look what he's bloody done; he's turned the Doctor into a complete fucking joke, you know? Oh, sure, Atkinson's a bloody brilliant actor, but for Doctor Who? No thanks, I had enough of him in 1999 when I was just a wee lad -- mum says I started crying as soon as he came on screen. Don't think I'll be watching anymore when the series returns." -- D. Buster, Internet Blogger

"I don't care what he's like; the new showrunner's a fan of the black and white stuff so I won't be watching. He'll probably phase out the picture and by the end of the next season it'll just be sound!" - A. Meri, American Tourist

"Well, I think it's an absolutely fantastic choice. Yeah, Rowan and I go way back, and I know he'll do the role justice. I just hope that he'll have a better time than I did; I really regret the way I left the show. I got back into it when Peter [Capaldi] was in his second season and I thought Mark was doing an absolutely wonderful job writing for him, so hopefully this American fellow they've got can live up to that." - Christopher Eccleston, The Ninth Doctor

"You know, I think Rowan'll be lovely. I remember, back when I was a girl, they had Jon Pertwee as the Doctor, and everybody was in a bad way because he was a comedic actor, and now he's remembered as one of the best Doctors of all time. Goes to show, you can't always judge an actor by the depth of their previous roles." - E. McKinney, Old Lady

"Mr. Bean? Mr. Bean's gonna be the Doctor? Oh, bloody fucking hell." - N. Bloomburg, Car Salesman

Doctor Who is slated to return to our television screens on BBC One New Year's Day, 2021.