unday 7:46am
I love you...I miss you...I respect you...and I have wanted to say those three things to you for a very long time. I miss you in the kind of way that a brother can miss a sister even though we don't honestly know each other in that intimate a manner...I guess it is because I always imagined we would... likely because you were warmer, kinder and more patient with me than my elder brother ever was. I mourn the loss of possibility, ostensible opportunities and the consequent shards of any shared pain, life, laughter, awkwardness, tedium, wisdom, knowledge, affirmation, embrace, charity, silence, beauty, and joy that we could have had together...even as a small boy I would beg my parents to take us to your door but the relationship between and among our separate nuclear groups never seemed to find the congealment it needed in order to fully foster a symbiotic bloom. I mourn days past but I cannot stand in the way of my own future. I know what you are now going through and have survived...I have known the same with real and true intimacy...I have always dealt with incredibly strong and intense depression, my father has as well, my mother has as well, my sister has as well, my brothers have as well..I cannot speak to the felt quality of any of their own experiences but as to my own I am an undoubted expert. Today as I type this I am without a shadow of a doubt a complete and full-blown alcoholic...I drown the darkness out with another darkness with a character of its own...I have no healthcare or drug plan nor any sort of therapeutic stasis as far as I can identify aside from one small thing - playing games, make believing with my seven year old niece when I get to see her. That is however, as fleeting as it is unscheduled. My days are consumed with an uncompassed job, social anxiety, bizarre obsessive compulsions, unrequited desires, fantasies, ceaseless doubts, redoubts, a partnerless home, uncertainty and a strong desire to turn the page without ever being able to find a strong enough grasp in order to do so. The nadir of my hopelessness happened one day 9 or 10 years ago when walking home to my parents home and back to my bedroom from a job at Mcdonald's wherein a completely rudderless empty and nebulous state bereft of emotion was temporarily but convincingly lifted by an absolute surrender to the belief that my next course of action was clear and that I would find a release in my own suicide.
Monday 1:05 am
As time passed the insanity of that non-sense abated
Wednesday 1:53 am
that was a bizarre thing to share I apologize and regret having done so, forgive me
Today 12:58 am
what im saying to you is that thats the problem...you have to embrace your sanguinity..we are all red-blooded human beings...there ain't no such a thing as perfect
