Mike's Monkey House!

by **New Edom** » Fri Oct 19, 2012 8:55 pm

HAVEN’T YOU ALWAYS WANTED A MONKEY?

THEN COME TO MIKE’S MONKEY HOUSE!

MIKE’s MONKEY HOUSE HAS THE MONKEY FOR YOU! ANY KIND OF MONKEY YOU NEED, WE GOT!

HEAR NO EVIL OF OUR QUALITY!
SEE NO EVIL OF OUR SERVICE!
SPEAK NO EVIL OF YOUR SATISFACTION!

Our Company Information
Revenue Growth: 33%
Profit Growth: 66%
Total Return: 81%

Two years ago Mike Mallarhyde was quick off the bat to capitalize on an unprecedented local monkey glut. Using a highly synergistic merger of dynamic markets as the company's sales platform, Mallarhyde leaped from a local to an international consumer base that seems to be in fevered monkey lust that just won't let up.

Although using innovative business systems and a highly competitive price point certainly helps; Mallarhyde's personal charisma and vision cannot be overlooked. Market analysts believed that the primate market had peaked 3 years ago and competitors returns through this period have remained flat. But Mallarhyde's drive and success have proved the pundits wrong showing strong quarter over quarter growth and profits while keeping a thrifty handle on overhead. Mike's Monkey House cannot even keep 'laboratory seconds' in stock - product most companies think of as unmovable.

High quality products
Great service
Reasonably priced

“When I started my monkey selling business two years ago, people said: “Mike, you’re out of your mind! Who would want to buy a monkey?” But I knew that there’s one important thing that you do in business, and that’s to provide service to ordinary people who have a need. And in this case, the need was monkeys!”
Mike’s Monkey House owner and founder Mike Mallarhyde

CHECK OUT SOME OF OUR MONKEY PRODUCTS!

by **New Macureus** » Sat Oct 20, 2012 10:04 pm

YES, I WANT TO BUY A MONKEY OR EVEN LOTS OF MONKEYS!
(please fill in the form below as follows: example Monkey Type (s) Baboon – 20) )
Then please add in the price. All shipping and handling covered by our company for first time shipments.
Nation Name New Macureus
Person Name (if applicable) the National Institute of Tactical Research (state defense laboratory). Unir Avin, Director.
Monkey Type(s) Including Number of Type(s): Japanese Macaque for bionic studies. Prefer amputee monkey if possible for experimental use of bionic parts. 100 NSD per monkey, making 1,000 for ten monkeys at first.

by **New Edom** » Sat Oct 20, 2012 10:47 pm

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ORDER!

Our team of vets and animal handlers will make sure that your shipment of ten Japanese Macaques will soon be on their way! Members of our team will prepare shipping and handling and make sure the monkeys you have ordered will be safety and soundly delivered to the location of your choice.

Remember, Mike's Monkey House is the first stop for quality monkeys!

Have a nice day,
Mike Mallarhyde, CEO and Owner, Mike's Monkey House

by **Gehenna Tartarus** » Sun Oct 21, 2012 2:11 pm

P.A.C.T
People Against Cruel Treatment
PO Box 1567, Ven Corda, E of Tartarus

Dear Mr Mallarhyde

It has recently reached our attention that you are a trader in primates. This cruel and sadistic trading must stop right away. These graceful creatures that should be in the wild, swinging in the trees are sold by you to laboratories to be experimented on, or worse, to people as pets, who parade them around in silly little human costumes, dressing them up as dolls and thoroughly degrading these splendid creatures.

We are sure that you are a decent human being, even though your current behaviour makes us believe otherwise. We are appealing to you to turn your monkeys over to our organisation so that we may return them to the wild, where they belong.

Yours sincerely

C Delmartin

Cassandra Delmartin
P.A.C.T. Executive Director

by **New Edom** » Sun Oct 21, 2012 4:50 pm

To Cassandra Delmartin
P.A.C.T. Executive Director

Dear Ms. Delmartin

Your well intended but misguided letter came across my desk this morning, and I thought a nice gal like you might want to be set straight.

First of all: our monkeys are nearly all taken from places where they just would have been eaten by fierce tribesmen, jungle cats, huge flightless birds or crocodiles, which is a fate I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. So we saved them from a terrible fate worse than death--including death.

Second: you wouldn't believe how well our monkeys are cared for. Why if I could check myself into a hotel that was as good as our monkey care I'd think I'd died and gone to heaven.

Now if you'd like to buy a whole bunch of our monkeys, we'd be glad to give you a 10% discount so that you could buy as many as you liked to if you felt the absolute need to bring them back to those jungles, forests and mountains which they once were forced to live in.

Have a nice day,
Mike Mallarhyde, CEO and Owner, Mike's Monkey House

by **Gehenna Tartarus** » Sun Oct 21, 2012 5:26 pm

P.A.C.T
People Against Cruel Treatment
PO Box 1567, Ven Corda, E of Tartarus

Dear Mr Mallarhyde

It is clear that you do not have the tiniest shred of decency in your body and you pretend to be doing an honourable thing by capturing monkeys and putting them into lives that they were not supposed to live.

Firstly, although you claim to be saving these animals from a life of danger, I might point out that natural selection is part of the way the world works and it is sad but true that some monkeys would face death in the way you describe, but it would only be a small percentage and many of them would go on to lead full and natural lives. Whereas, you taking these monkeys from their natural environments and condemning them to lives of living in cages or in people’s homes puts more stress on these creatures and they live miserable lives.

Secondly, no matter how well you think you are caring for these animals, you are robbing them of their natural environment, which are large areas of open ground. I am sure that none of the people who purchase your monkeys have any intention of letting them loose in large habitats. Perhaps you should try living in the worlds that you sell these monkeys into and then you can tell me how much you enjoyed living in a cage, being injected or having who knows what kind of tests carried out on you. Or even more alarming to a New Edomite, being dressed in clothing that you were not supposed to wear.

As much as I want to save these monkeys, I will not be doing so by lining the pockets of the person who is basically forcing these wild animals into lives of slavery and imprisonment. Again, I appeal to you to allow us to release these monkeys back into their natural environment.

Yours sincerely

C Delmartin

Cassandra Delmartin
P.A.C.T. Executive Director

by **New Edom** » Sun Oct 21, 2012 5:40 pm

To Cassandra Delmartin
P.A.C.T. Executive Director

Dear Ms. Delmartin

You sound pretty upset at the moment, and that's understandable, I realize that sometimes women get all hormonal and don't really think before they write things. Having said this, I like women a lot. Maybe we could get together for dinner sometime and talk about this?

Mostly I write this because you're kind of confusing me. On the one hand you want to save the monkeys, as you put it, from mean old Mike Mallarhyde, and yet on the other hand you don't want to buy any even at a discount? I'm not quite sure what you're driving at here--do you want a bigger discount?

And also you think it would be better to be eaten by a giant snake or a hungry elephant or something, and yet you think I'm being hard on these monkeys? I love these monkeys like they are my own children--and if you bring up the fact that I'm selling them, let me point out to you that selling your children is okay in the Bible as long as you do it ethically, which I am doing. And even if selling children is against the law these days because of this WA treaty that bans it, we can still sell monkeys. If the WA passes some act saying I can't, maybe I'll worry about that then.

Meanwhile just to show there's no hard feelings, that dinner option is still open.

Have a nice day,
Mike Mallarhyde, CEO and Owner, Mike's Monkey House

by **Gehenna Tartarus** » Mon Oct 22, 2012 1:07 pm

P.A.C.T
People Against Cruel Treatment
PO Box 1567, Ven Corda, E of Tartarus

Dear Mr Mallarhyde

It is clear from your letters that you do not take my requests seriously and you have chosen to ridicule me rather than listen to the important message that I am trying to convey to you. I may be hormonal, but at least I have the ability to act like a rational human being and not have to delve into petty insults to make my point.

Your rudeness aside, let me reiterate for you that monkeys are not children and you are not their parent. You have stolen these animals from the wild and you are using them to make a quick profit and you have no regard for the harm that will come to these creatures once they are in the hands of their new owners. You probably assume that they are not your responsibility and you would be right about that. You have no responsibility for these animals as they are not yours. You have no right to sell them and I promise you that I will do everything in my power to stop this cruel trade.

I demand that you turn over these monkeys to us within the week or we will up our efforts to close your business down.

Yours sincerely

C Delmartin

Cassandra Delmartin
P.A.C.T. Executive Director

by **New Edom** » Mon Oct 22, 2012 1:17 pm

To Cassandra Delmartin
P.A.C.T. Executive Director

Dear Ms. Delmartin

There's an old saying: mess with me, and you can't fool me again with that bird you have in your hand. Some people say that because I didn't complete eighth grade in that Lamonian school that I didn't get a good education and don't understand how life really works. But I am a graduate of the University of Life and the School of Hard Knocks, and I don't take threats lying down OR sitting up!

You can interview or question any of our satisfied customers and they'll tell you that none of our monkeys are mistreated or living any life they wouldn't enormously prefer to living in the awful wilderness that you and uncaring people like you want to send them back to. Do your worst; Mike Mallarhyde doesn't bow to threats.

Have a nice day,
Mike Mallarhyde, CEO and Owner, Mike's Monkey House

by **Insel des Mondes** » Mon Oct 22, 2012 3:20 pm

YES, I WANT TO BUY A MONKEY OR EVEN LOTS OF MONKEYS!
(please fill in the form below as follows: example Monkey Type (s) Baboon – 20) )
Then please add in the price. All shipping and handling covered by our company for first time shipments.
Nation Name Insel des Mondes
Person Name (if applicable) Queen Marina Ingle
Monkey Type(s) Including Number of Type(s): Capuchin (10)

For a total of $1,000. Can you make sure that we get 6 females and 4 males?

by **New Edom** » Mon Oct 22, 2012 3:23 pm

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ORDER!
To: Queen Marina Ingle

Your Royal Majesty,

Our team of vets and animal handlers will make sure that your shipment of 6 female and 4 male Capuchin Monkeys will soon be on their way! Members of our team will prepare shipping and handling and make sure the monkeys you have ordered will be safety and soundly delivered to the location of your choice.

Remember, Mike's Monkey House is the first stop for quality monkeys!

Have a nice day,
Mike Mallarhyde, CEO and Owner, Mike's Monkey House

by **Gehenna Tartarus** » Thu Oct 25, 2012 5:25 pm

P.A.C.T
People Against Cruel Treatment
PO Box 1567, Ven Corda, E of Tartarus

Dear Mr Mallarhyde

It is perfectly obvious to me that you think that by acting like a fool, I will take my grievances elsewhere. If you were not trading in primates, my interest in you would have diminished by now, but you are selling monkeys, which is bad enough in itself, but worse you are selling them to people who do not have any idea of how to look after such animals and thus you are endangering their lives. Do you think that the quick death in the wild is less preferably to months or even years of mistreatment, malnourishment and humiliation at the hands of their misinformed new owners?

As you are unwilling to listen to advice, nor do you care for the wellbeing of these monkeys, we will be doing everything in our power to close you down and bring an end to this atrocious business that you have opened. Do not consider my request a threat, for if you fail to return these monkeys to the wild, where they belong, we will close you down by force.

Yours sincerely

C Delmartin

Cassandra Delmartin
P.A.C.T. Executive Director

by **New Edom** » Mon Oct 29, 2012 10:32 am

To Cassandra Delmartin
P.A.C.T. Executive Director

Dear Ms. Delmartin

I offered you the opportunity of a face to face meeting to discuss this, and yet you refused, insisting on simply threatening my business, my employees who work really hard, and my monkeys' right to live in luxury in civilization. I'm afraid you've given me no choice but to contact my lawyers (from the well known Fineberg firm of Dewey, Cheitim, and Lye) in order to protect said business, employees and monkeys from your radical bullying.

Have a nice day,
Mike Mallarhyde, CEO and Owner, Mike's Monkey House

by **Greymark** » Mon Oct 29, 2012 10:32 am

YES, I WANT TO BUY A MONKEY OR EVEN LOTS OF MONKEYS!
Nation Name: The Kingdom of Greymark
Person Name: Col. Aigheal ni Cian, 119th Gwyrdmaes Combat Air Reserves
Monkey Type(s) Including Number of Type(s): 1 Emperor Tamarin, for $100 NS. Funds to be transferred by wire via the 162nd Financial Management Regt, Gwyrdmaes. Note: this monkey is a birthday gift for a beloved commanding officer. Cuteness is the operational priority.

by **New Edom** » Mon Oct 29, 2012 10:36 am

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ORDER!
To: Col. Aigheal ni Cian

Dear Colonel:

Our team of vets and animal handlers will make sure that your shipment of 1 Emperor Tamarin monkey will soon be on their way! Members of our team will prepare shipping and handling and make sure the monkey you have ordered will be safety and soundly delivered to the location of your choice. Cute? Did you say cuteness? You can hardly beat an Emperor Tamarin for cuteness! Your commanding officer will probably go crazy with the cuteness! Just like this kid....

Remember, Mike's Monkey House is the first stop for quality monkeys!

Have a nice day,
Mike Mallarhyde, CEO and Owner, Mike's Monkey House[/quote]

by **Late Roman Empire** » Mon Nov 12, 2012 1:45 am

Nation Name Late Roman Empire
Person Name (if applicable) the Imperial Zoo.
Monkey Type(s) Including Number of Type(s): 4 Howler Monkeys for showcase.

by **Steelbaron** » Mon Nov 12, 2012 6:30 am

www.jpvan.eos

To: Mike Mallarhyde, CEO and Owner, Mike's Monkey House
From: Simone Parra
Subject: JP Commercial Vehicle Promotion

JT Supravan 100

Sir,
Greetings, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Simone Parra, and I am the CEO and owner of JP STrucks., the largest commercial trucks and pick-up company in the Empire of Steelbaron. we are very impressed by your company's achievement recently. Therefore we propose our range of commercial vehicle that can use by your firm's.

May this proposal get attention from your company, thank you

Regard

Simone Parra
Chief Executive Officer
JT STrucks Ltd

by **New Edom** » Tue Nov 13, 2012 9:34 am

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ORDER!
To: The Director, Imperial Zoo, Late Roman Empire

Dear to whom It May Concern,

Our team of vets and animal handlers will make sure that your shipment of 4 howler monkeys (which are one male and three females) will soon be on their way! Members of our team will prepare shipping and handling and make sure the monkeys you have ordered will be safety and soundly delivered to the location of your choice.

Remember, Mike's Monkey House is the first stop for quality monkeys!

Have a nice day,
Mike Mallarhyde, CEO and Owner, Mike's Monkey House

by **Steelbaron** » Tue Nov 13, 2012 3:30 pm

To: <Mike Mallarhyde, customer email>
From: <Simon Parra, ceo@jpvan.eos>
Re: Vehicle Procurement
Attachment:

Sir,
Your order is confirmed, and we thank you for your business. The vehicles will be delivered promptly per your instructions, once completed. The total amount of this purchase is $658,000.00 USD, and may be incorporated into the JP STrucks account at Steelian Bank (Account No. 1190-0090-AXR4). Thank You

by **RB Rebecca Black** » Tue Nov 13, 2012 6:56 pm

YES, I WANT TO BUY A MONKEY OR EVEN LOTS OF MONKEYS!

Nation Name: The Republic of RB Rebecca Black
Person Name (if applicable): National Department of Defense
Monkey Type(s) Including Number of Type(s): 50 Squirrel Monkeys

by **New Edom** » Tue Nov 13, 2012 7:05 pm

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ORDER!
To: National Department of Defense, RB Rebecca black

Dear to whom It May Concern,

Our team of vets and animal handlers will make sure that your shipment of 50 squirrel monkeys of assorted sex will soon be on their way! Members of our team will prepare shipping and handling and make sure the monkeys you have ordered will be safety and soundly delivered to the location of your choice.

Remember, Mike's Monkey House is the first stop for quality monkeys!

Have a nice day,
Mike Mallarhyde, CEO and Owner, Mike's Monkey House

by **Common Territories** » Tue Dec 04, 2012 8:49 pm

Nation Name The Empire of Common Territories
Person Name (if applicable): Emperor JC
Monkey Type(s) Including Number of Type(s): one spider monkey ($100 NSD)

The Emperor has been looking for a replacement companion since his pet Shepard died of natural causes. He grew up with this dog and has always wanted a pet spider monkey as well. The government is planing to surprise him with this gift.

by **New Edom** » Tue Dec 04, 2012 8:54 pm

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ORDER!
To: The Empire of Common Territories

To His Imperial Majesty,

Our team of vets and animal handlers will make sure that your shipment of one Spider Monkey will soon be on his way! Members of our team will prepare shipping and handling and make sure the monkey you have ordered will be safety and soundly delivered to the location of your choice. We hope that the Emperor's grief will be assuaged by his loving and friendly companion.

Remember, Mike's Monkey House is the first stop for quality monkeys!

Have a nice day,
Mike Mallarhyde, CEO and Owner, Mike's Monkey House

by **Marxist Equines** » Tue Dec 04, 2012 11:05 pm

~~YellowApple, Inc.~~ Pinkie Pie
~~Official Corporate Transmission~~ I can send official transmissions! Neener neener neener!

OHMYGOSH I saw that you sell monkeys and I have a friend who loves monkeys and she'd be totally stoked if she got a monkey for Hearth's Warming Eve so I asked Frankie if I could buy a monkey and she said yes so I'M TOTALLY BUYING A MONKEY!
YES, I WANT TO BUY A MONKEY OR EVEN LOTS OF MONKEYS!
(please fill in the form below as follows: example Monkey Type (s) Baboon – 20) )
Then please add in the price. All shipping and handling covered by our company for first time shipments. 
Nation Name Marxist Equines
Person Name (if applicable) Pinkamena Diane Pie.  Just call me Pinkie Pie.
Monkey Type(s) Including Number of Type(s): Squirrel Monkey.  That's $100, right?  So buying one.

by **Crystal Spires** » Wed Dec 05, 2012 1:37 am

Recipient(s): Mike's Monkey House

Encryption: Level Curious

Sender(s): Caltrean Central Zoo

Subject: A Large Order

To Mike's Monkey House,

Caltrean Central Zoo is willing to place an order for the finishing of our Ape house and small mammal house, which will require several monkeys. We also request that they be male and female for each order.

We thank you for your business.

Mike's Monkey House!

Mike's Monkey House!

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