Den Konstitution - A Reliable Newspaper from Luziyca

[Luziyca]

Den Konstitution is a newspaper that is extremely popular in Luziyca and the most popular. Established in 1973 by businessman Adam Varanken, distantly related to Huswa Varanken, it has grown to be the most popular paper, with circulation of eighteen million per day (or 108,000,000 per week). Issued from Monday to Saturday, from 1991 to 2012, it had the Sunday edition, The Presidential Sun, but in 2012, due to its dwindling popularity, it was replaced by The Sunday Constitution.

It is far right and supports the Whig Party, the governing party of Luziyca since 1976. It is known to report the truth (what communist outsiders say is lies, falsifications and opinions) which makes it greatly appreciated amongst the Luziycans. It openly opposes communistic nations and is very blunt and obvious. That means we write it, you read it. We are staunch supporters of the current President, Sobeck Shjoraski. And yes, we make even the Daily Herald (of Hippostanian fame) look leftist, and FOX News communist.

Thus, the first articles are to be up soon. As always, questions and comments are welcome, as well as criticism of our reporting.

[Legokiller]

"Is the Constitution are against LGBT rights and do they write interviews?"
-Foreign Minister Snow Berry

[Brystolville]

Community Ministry of Peace
Official Telegram

Dear Madam, Sir, or Appropriate Bigendered, Gender Neutral, or Other Appropriate Form of Address,

After review by analysts from the Ministry of Public Information and the Ministry of Communications, it has been found that the Constitution contains material of a counterrevolutionary, bourgeois, and socially unprogressive nature. This content was deemed serious enough by our analysts for them to recommend that your publication be banned under the terms of the Free Press Act (1976), Progressive Media Act (1995) and Cultural Imperialism Resistance Act (2004). The Freedom of Expression Commission has acted on their advice and imposed a permanent ban on the Constitution in our free national community.

Please be advised that any copies of this publication or materials containing quotes or citations herefrom will be destroyed on sight, and anyone found posessing, distributing, or informing for it will be enrolled in the Reactionary Reintegration Program.

[Luziyca]

---

16 years after the Stephinev Study: Its Effects on the Northern Slavic languages?

Gregory Stephinev visiting Los Vientos to lecture
university students regarding the Northern Slavic
languages, such as Luziycan and Iglesian.

LOS VIENTOS, IGLESIANTIS - In the past 16 years since the controversial 1996 study, challenged by Professor Juan Sauve in 1999, Professor Gregory Stephinev, M.E. of Luziyca, Honorary Doctor of the University of Sperani and Jeremiah Job University, and former Professor of Linguistics from 1961 to 2004, has proven that Luziycan and Iglesianic are two languages distantly related to each other, but both related to Ojiran, spoken by only 60 persons, of the Ojiran minority, most of them over the age of 65. Only 13 are unilingual, only able to speak Orjiran.

Since the study, in 2003, he was granted an honorary Doctorate from the University of Sperani in the capital of Nyanasherva, Sperani, and the honorary Doctorate at the Jeremiah Job University in Varanken, Kofeiya. In 2004, as he retired, he was given M.E. (Meritum Eius) by the President of the day, Phoebe Wilhelm. He had a doctorate in Linguistics, and graduated in 1959. As such, the studies of the Northern Slavic languages now include Iglesianic as part of the Eastern branch of the Northern Slavic languages.

His hypothesis was that 27,000 years ago, early man, wrote inscriptions in Early Luziycan, in pictographs but their records show they spoke Luziycan. Around 10,000 years ago, it split into Western Luziycan, which is the father of Luziycan and Arazei, and Eastern Luziycan, which became Orjiran. Orjiran, from there split into two, Orjiran and Iglesian, as Iglesians sailed to the Iglesian Archipelago, which then developed their own script and grammar. As such, the largest group of Slavic languages is Northern Slavic languages.

In Iglesiantis, it has garnered plenty of controversy, and is dismissed as false by the communist majority, claiming that Iglesian is a language isolate, developed natively on the archipelago. Despite that, a majority of Nyanashervans said that Stephinev's study was true, and that it was a single language. It was easy for Iglesians to learn Luziycan, but difficult for them to learn the other language, unless if they learned an intermediate language (Orjiran) and then learned Iglesianic. As such, during his recent lecture in Los Vientos, he was critcized, and his lecture was shown on AITV.

[Luziyca]

"Is the Constitution are against LGBT rights and do they write interviews?"
-Foreign Minister Snow Berry

To answer that question, we are pro-LGBT (it is legal, but slightly frowned upon), and we do interviews.

-CEO Adam Varanken

Community Ministry of Peace
Official Telegram

Dear Madam, Sir, or Appropriate Bigendered, Gender Neutral, or Other Appropriate Form of Address,

After review by analysts from the Ministry of Public Information and the Ministry of Communications, it has been found that the Constitution contains material of a counterrevolutionary, bourgeois, and socially unprogressive nature. This content was deemed serious enough by our analysts for them to recommend that your publication be banned under the terms of the Free Press Act (1976), Progressive Media Act (1995) and Cultural Imperialism Resistance Act (2004). The Freedom of Expression Commission has acted on their advice and imposed a permanent ban on the Constitution in our free national community.

Please be advised that any copies of this publication or materials containing quotes or citations herefrom will be destroyed on sight, and anyone found posessing, distributing, or informing for it will be enrolled in the Reactionary Reintegration Program.

It is quite hilarious that you claim that these titles of laws seem to support freedom and democracy, but upon closer examination, it is communistic propaganda. Eh, we'll find a way to bring these newspapers in.

-CEO Adam Varanken

[Zokoria]

We really like your newspaper, since its ideology is purely unbiased. And we would like to have copies of your paper in our country. By the way, though, our newspaper is Zokoria's largest and most influential, and our opinions are pretty much the same as yours.

-Jan Korst, CEO of Dagsrekord (Daily Record), Zokoria's largest and most popular newspaper

[Sedikal]

The constitution is read a lot via Internet in Sedikal and we would accualy like to ask if we could legally distribut it in stores and stalks as well as giving it out by sign-up's to people for a fee of $3.00 a month.

[Luziyca]

We really like your newspaper, since its ideology is purely unbiased. And we would like to have copies of your paper in our country. By the way, though, our newspaper is Zokoria's largest and most influential, and our opinions are pretty much the same as yours.

-Jan Korst, CEO of the Dagligs Rekord (Daily Record), Zokoria's largest and most popular newspaper

In regards to that, we are proud to accept your offer to have it circulate within Zokoria. We really hope that the people enjoy reading The Constitution.

-Adam Varanken, CEO of The Constitution

The constitution is read a lot via Internet in Sedikal and we would accualy like to ask if we could legally distribut it in stores and stalks as well as giving it out by sign-up's to people for a fee of $3.00 a month.

The Board of Directors will (reluctantly) accept your offer to have it legally circulate within Sedikal.

-Adam Varanken

[Luziyca]

---

Exclusive Interview with the President of Legokiller!

Legokiller's current President, Littlepip

LAS CANTERLOT, LEGOKILLER - Earlier today, the reporters of The Constitution had an exclusive interview with the President who overthrew President Nutcase in a coup d'etat who in turn seized power in August and was in office for only one day. Thus, we have gained rights for an exclusive interview with President Littlepip! Thus, as such, I, Adam Varanken gained rights to interview her.

"What is your opinion on the Christian Republic of Luziyca?" I ask the new President.
"My opinion on the Christian Republic of Luziyca, oh yeah, they’re a loony bunch of people that heavily endorse the former state of Hippostania and practice its doctrines," she replies.

"Would the late President Nutcase impact our future relations?" I then suggested.
Interestingly, the new President said, "Nutcase was never President of Legokiller at all, only a murder that seeks power to dictate the people of United Pony States and worship that damned High Chancellor Lyra when Princess Luna herself condemn. The United Pony States see that these lunatics desire to twist our good name into those irrational people of Hippostania and we won’t allow that to happen."

"Do you think 'The Constitution' is biased?" I asked, about my own newspaper.
"I personally haven’t read the newspaper, however our Foreign Minister “Dee Dee” holds a subscription to the Constitution."

"What ideology do you follow?"
"I was a military filly during my whole life so you can freely declare I’m a militaristic pony. I’m quite a social liberal. Pinkie Harmonism is basically my moral stands which I follow and desire to spend happiness for all ponies and beings. And no I’m not a communist," she lied.

"If you had to side with Hippostania, or Luziyca, who would you choose, and why?"
"Neither, I wouldn’t stand to support any of these State Terrorist’s governments."

"Do you think the CIA had a hand behind Nutcase's regime?
I haven’t bothered reading parts of the dossier on any hooves that aided Nutcase's 'regime' but I heard from Snow Berry it was some Derpy Pegasus that was tricked."

"Lastly, any plans for your nation?"
"Of course I do! The United Pony States of Legokiller haven't earned a decent reputation amongst the Pony Lands during the President Aqua Crystal administration.Instead, we had a more embarrassing position, and lost membership in valued organizations. However I don't view those alliances as not important nowadays. My plan is to change that status quo to build a better future for all Legokillerans and strengthen our diplomatic relations with numerous nations within the Pony Lands. "

In the end, we all know that her plan is to transform Legokiller into a Stalinist dystopia, where any pony who supports true freedom and democracy will be executed. We predict that within the next 3 years, there will be more refugees fleeing from the restored communist regime, after a single day of true freedom and democracy. The fact that these commies have rights to say their mind is disgusting and quite contrary to the ideals of freedom and democracy.

[Luziyca]

---

Exclusive Interview with the Prime Minister of Malgarve, Rachel Berry

Malgarve's current Prime Minister, Rachel Berry

EPPING, MALGARVE - Earlier today, the reporters of The Constitution had an exclusive interview with the Prime Minister, Rachel Berry, of Malgarve. Thus, we have gained rights for an exclusive interview with the Prime Minister, and thus, a reporter, Jack Suggs has been sent to report.

"What is your opinion on Luziyca?" I, Jack Suggs ask.
"I dislike the socially conservative values of the country and the closeness of religion and state however I do not dictate the internal policies of others and the people of Luziyca are free to conduct their own internal affairs and change it via the ballot box if needed," Rachel answers.

"Do you approve of our (Luziyca's) foreign policy?
"Malgrave has a strict non-interventionist policy permitting intervention in cases of extreme violence, however, we also follow the principle of non-alignment so whilst we don't subscribe to the aggressive foreign policy of Luziyca we respect their choice."

"If there was a war between Luziyca and Hippostania, which side would you choose, and why?"
"We have no reasons to get involved on either side, if genocide was involved however by any side that would be a different matter."

"What is your opinion on 'The Constitution'?"
"I think it has proven itself to be a quality newspaper so far."

"What is your own ideology?"
"I follow the principles of progressiveness, which advocates socialism, a 'fair' tax and support total equality."

"If President Sobeck came to your office and asked YOU to support Zokoria, would you do so?"
"It would entirely depend on the circumstances surrounding the request for support and how Zokoria conducts it's internal affairs. Malgrave is not defending dictatorships however if the country was undergoing something like a large scale natural disaster or food crisis then I would support the country to ensure the protection of sentient life."

"What are you going to do while in office?"
"I wish to continue the stable economic growth of the country whilst ensuring the scientific expansion the country has harbored since it's foundation. I would like to be known for opening the country completely to the international community following decades of isolation and creating an environment in which international and national companies compete together and provide stable economic returns for the people."

In the end, we all know that Rachel Barry is a socialist, willing to be allies, but not willing to spread the true cause of freedom, liberty, and democracy that is given to us by God. She endorses communist concepts such as progressive tax, and 'total equality' which is really code for genocide on the levels of Pol Pot in Kampuchea (Cambodia) from 1975 to 1979. The so-called total equality would only end in genocide. However, she does not oppose Luziyca and Zokoria, and is... somehow willing to co-operate with our free nation. In the end, she is seen as a socialist, a firm socialist, not too far left to become Stalin, but not center-left, like the Tatra Party. She is just a plain old leftist, an incompetent ruler with zero powers and who would most likely see her regime crumble.

[Luziyca]

---

The Experience of a Kofeiyan-Luziycan in Swilatia

Typical cityscape of Swilatia

VILVEK, SWILATIA - Just a week ago, one of our reporters, Jacob Kuyumbaye, born in 1982, moved in 1983 to West Luziyca and fled the same year has returned from the communistic nation of Swilatia. He went on an undercover assignment and returned, in advance for Stevan, a communist spy who is sent to tour Esquarium against his own will. Thus, we now allow him to read his experiences while visiting Swilatia.

"When I landed," Jacob said, "I went a torture session for a 'security check.' At least in Luziyca, we are much more merciful. After 40 days of torture, with beatings, and waterboarding, I was allowed in and I was on a guided tour. Early on, I wandered away by accident and saw the horrors of Swilatia for what it really was. Their swilla was much worth LESS than even a Zimbabwean dollar, let alone the Hungarian pengo. I saw people starving on the streets, begging for food, for swillas, so to buy burlap sacks to dress their children. I gave them a 1,000 swilla bill, but it turns out that a single lira, used in Kofeiya, Luziyca, and Nyanasherva, was worth one octillion swillas. One OCTILLION. As I walked down, I saw the ugly buildings falling, sometimes vanishing, before creating a horrifying Jenga structure, as if their God, Stalin was dropping gigantic gray Tetris blocks onto the ground."

"I finally returned to the tour, and was given 30 lashes, 1 lash for my age. I then visited an apartment, to see a 'happy family,' presented by the state. After they left, they ceased parroting the party line and spoke of the true horrors, executions, forced disappearances and murder. The mother of her two children, Karen and Lily said she wanted triplets but had to abort her third daughter because she had Down syndrome. Just because of a disability, the State felt they had to kill her daughter! HER DAUGHTER! They even subjected her to death councils, when she had pneumonia, and only managed to survive when the so-called 'members,' which I'd call more of a gang, or a blat, passed her survival 6-4. If it was 5-5, she would be killed anyways."

"Thus, I made a beeline to the airport, but there, I spent 40 more days of torture. Only one day and I had enough of Swilatia, but no, they wanted me to spend 81 days. 81 days in their communist land, of which 80 are quarantine. Finally, I was allowed to board, and return home. This is a wasted summer, that I'll NEVER, EVER GET BACK."

As such, that accurately describes his experiences in Swilatia. As Stevan is scheduled to arrive within Luziyca sometime during the week, we hope that his experiences of legitimate freedom and democracy, and stops his program, which the state broadcaster SBC impose on him to travel all over Esquarium to distract the Swilatians with something that can destroy their plans to destroy the liberty that God gave us. In essence, it would be 'panem et circenses,' or bread and circuses. So long as the Satan that is communism continues to reign over Swilatia, many more men, women and children will be forced to travel around the world, AGAINST THEIR OWN WILL. Why did they make him travel it AGAINST HIS OWN PERSONAL RIGHTS?

It is only for the benefit of the State, and that he does NOT leave his apartment building because if he does, he fears he will get caught. How else would stores be on the bottoms of each building, so they won't NEED to depart so to make Swilatia look nice? Yeah, it is because of the climate of fear and intimidation fed by the government of Swilatia. And we are lucky that a brave reporter, sent on an assignment has returned home 'safely,' and uncovered the truth of Swilatia behind its capitalistic facade.

[Swilatia]

Just a few short minutes after the article on Swilatia was published, it quickly spread across the internet. It quickly became infamous with Swilatians for its completely falsified and utterly absurd portrayal of their country. It was like absolutely nothing they had ever read before.

Here are just a few comments left on sites linking to the article:

"Did this guy even get on the right plane? I think he never left Luziyca."

"I didn't think any of this could be true, but then I saw it with my own eyes. They just finished a new building on my street. Suddenly, a whole bunch of apartments just disappeared and now I live on the ground floor. Seriously!"

"I thought this was satire, but I'm actually not sure what they wanted to make fun of. This is just stupid."

"Did this guy ever realise, he wouldn't have gone through any of that if he had just said nothing to declare?"

"Wait, Karen... is a girl? I think I'll call my first son Elena."

"If only I could get such an exchange rate when I come back from Wijaska Island"

"Idiot in Esquarium is obviously staged. I'm so through with that show"

"If we were really communist, there wouldn't be starving people on the streets - and there usually isn't. Wait, that didn't come out right..."

"It must be difficult, having to learn a completely new party line every few months. I swear the greens will be out of coalition soon, trying to take our power plants away."

"I bet Stevan wishes he could be a spy. He's just a drifter that knows some TV producers."

"Stevan's not actually visiting every country in Esquarium. I'm disappointed too."

"You do realise not all of Swilatia is like Rudolice, right? Hell, it's not even that bad there any more, I heard they just painted some of those blocks"

"I still have to go outside to get to the stores in my building. That's not fair, is it?"

"I swear, I saw that picture in some TV show a few weeks ago."

"Well, when I tried to visit Luziyca... OK, there's no way I can outdo this."

And many more.

[Luziyca]

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Luziycan Healthcare rated best in the region by Luziycan authorities

The privatized nature of Luziyca's healthcare sector is thought to
be a key reason for its success

BETHLEHEM - The Ministry of Health has recently released a study, showing that Luziycan healthcare is the best in the region (of Esquarium), and second best in the world, behind Hippostania. The study, which was made during the annual Autumn inspections of medical facilities was based on price, quality, average waiting times and mortality. Luziyca was ranked number one in all fields within the region, while Iglesiantis found itself at the bottom of the list.

The Minister of Health, Kertog Lhogenuv was not surprised by the results. "Our government has always known that the free market will be able to perform treatments better than 'universal healthcare' which is just plain socialist code for gas chambers. When we fully transferred the responsibility of healthcare in the West in 1996 to the private sector, and the East in 1989, we saw a significant improvement. Thus, we have reached a point where our healthcare system is best in the region and second-best in the world, behind our former allies, Hippostania." Lhogenuv commented after receiving the results that nations that have universal healthcare MUST disband these systems and hand over the responsibility of healthcare to the free market. "Universal healthcare is Kampuchean agrarianism," Lhogenuv remarked.

The study accounted those who did not afford healthcare insurance at around 0.01%, or 42,518 persons which did NOT make a significant overall in regards to the quality of healthcare. In regards to the 42,518 persons, he said, "These communists are so poor that they can't afford healthcare? Well, don't SUCK the government teat, go on, WORK, and maybe God might give YOU the chance to survive." The study determined that nearly 93% were content with the private healthcare system that is used in Luziyca. A significant portion also confessed that they'd rather die than use the universal socialist healthcare system. Death councils are commonly found in nations with universal healthcare that determine who is allowed to live and who is not are the main reason behind Luziycan's vehement opposition to dictatorial left-wing universal 'healthcare,' which are often arbitrary and rigged.

It was estimated that 99.98% of the population has access to healthcare, and that unlike other countries, waiting times are low (in Iglesiantis, a coronary bypass surgery would take 75 years to wait as of Sept. 20, 2012, whilst in Luziyca, it only takes 3 weeks), as well as the price and quality of treatment, with minor exceptions, mainly within the sparsely populated territories of Newfoundland and Eastern Luziyca. It does not account for those living in the Associated Free States and the Overseas Territory of Sakhalin.

We have interviewed doctors and nurses from the Bethlehem General Hospital, who nearly all of them stated that "we are trying to uphold the HIGH quality of our healthcare, and that we are doing everything we can to keep Luziyca's healthcare system one of the best in the world." They also stated that "we are proud to work such rewarding jobs. They may be hard, but we do not throw the towel at the patient and leave, no, we keep working. I'd rather be sick with H1N1 and working here, than sick with H1N1 and staying home." That clearly shows their dedication to preserving the integrity of the Luziycan healthcare system.

One doctor however, Yarel Shekayof said that "I used to work in Iglesiantis and I can honestly tell you, their healthcare sucks. Why is it that so many people from all over the world come to see us? It is because we are MUCH better than any nation on Earth, save for Hippostania. They don't really have any medical advances, while we, Hippostania and Luziyca do. Thus, I quit after paperwork, moved here and now a citizen, as a doctor, and I am earning high wages. This job is extremely rewarding, more so here than in Iglesiantis."

Lhugenov then finally says, "The fact that everyone is willing to co-operate, work hard and the fact that we are privatizing healthcare is making it one of the best on Earth. We will soon end all regulation on medicine, so to become one of the greatest, but we will continue to monitor them to ensure they don't violate Prohibition."

[Luziyca]

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The Constitution's 39th Anniversary

Bethlehem Hood Building, where it all began.

BETHLEHEM, LUZIYCA - Earlier today, the reporters of The Constitution met at the Bethlehem Hood Building to celebrate 39 years in existence since its first report when the Bethlehem Hood and the Jerusalem Parchment merged, with their last reports on the twenty-sixth of September. Since the merger of these two popular papers, it is the most popular national paper.

During the past 39 years, it had covered many stories, from the merger of the two papers, to the Luziycan War when the communists launched a chemical weapon "by accident" which triggered an invasion. Despite a 40 kilometer advance by the communists, by 1994, they were driven back at Green Hill. The reunification in 1997, was again covered and support from both sides. During that time, it has changed formats, and reporters, but in the end, Editor and CEO, Adam Varanken has not changed, and so has 25 staff, working since 1973, and 4, 3 from the Hood, and 1 from the Parchment still work here, proud of working at The Constitution.

Nearly four decades on, this newspaper remains one of the most popular, but as the internet grows, our presence grows too. In recent years, broadsheets are showing a decline in sales, and we are no exception, but remain a reliable resource within Luziyca, for all Luziycans who love freedom to see. In recent years however, many are switching to the "compact newspaper" format (tabloid format). The Constitution, however remains determined to be unique and show off to Luziyca and the world that we are NOT afraid to be unique. While the Sunday Constitution uses a tabloid format and is more popular (plus, it is free), many prefer the old Constitution, and would trust it more than other newspapers.

Thus, as we celebrate 39 years, we hope that 11 years on, we will be the envy of the newspaper world (or what is left, anyway).

[Luziyca]

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Piercings and Tattoos to be banned in Hippostania

Luziycan and Hippostanian researchers
had proved the co-relation between
communism and the amount of tattoos
and earrings one has.

WAVERLEY, HIPPOSTANIA - Today, Bill 3537 is being debated within Parliament, with full backing from the High Chancellor, Colin Townsend, to much support by Luziycans and Hippostanians worldwide. Tattoos are seen as communist, and that there has been proof that the more tattoos/piercings one has, the more likely they are closet communists.

While some leftist Conservative Party members stated their opposition to the bill, a majority, to the wishes of all Hippostanians support the ban on tattoos and piercings. The staff here at The Constitution support the bill, for these reasons. First, they cause unemployment, depression, allergies and infections. Secondly, they are more likely to engage in communistic and antisocial behavior. Thirdly, the ban on tattoos and piercings will benefit the poor in the long run, for they will have more money to spend on food, than drugs, tattoos and piercings, all of these things seen as communist.

Tattoos and piercings were banned due to violating moral decency laws but in recent years, it was legalized, save for the ban on leftist symbols. Members of the National Luziycan Party and the Christian Luziycan Party occasionally introduce bills into Congress would ban tattoos and piercings, to much delusion. However, it is only popular amongst gang members and criminals, which is why they are extremely unpopular here inside the free nation of Luziyca. Thus, the bill, if passed will bring social morality, freedom and liberty closer to the goal given to us by God for a free, democratic Earth, where the red menace has disappeared altogether. Thus, we express our proud support for the bill.

As for the poor, many of the poor who cannot afford it are closet communists, who will suck off what is left of the teat that is the Hippostanian government. They want more government, but all true Hippostanians and Luziycans know that the government is not the solution to all problems, no, it is the CAUSE of all problems. The true supporters of freedom and democracy, guided by the way of Bethlehem and the Pope believe in LESS government, and during the time we were allies, we exchanged ideas, concepts and even immigration. If they cannot afford it, they DESERVE to be in prison, and deserve to rot there until there is nothing but bones.

[Swilatia]

After having read the article about a Luziycan visiting Swilatia, millions of Swilatians were waiting to see what the editors of "The Constitution" would come out with next. The previous article had attacted many different comments pointing out the inaccuracy and utter absurdity of the article, comparing it with the reality of life in Swilatia. The differences were truly vast, with some comments suggesting that the descriptions in the article fit Luziyca more closely than the actual Swilatia. As for the new article, about the Luziycan healthcare system, the vast majority of comments all had the same message:

"Didn't the daily herald have that same article a few weeks ago?"

[Auzkhia]

So, I wonder these right wing newspapers have to say about our monarchy and Emperors

[Agymnum]

"The Constitution" is widely read by the Agymnum populace, and for that we congratulate it's writers. They have managed to create something so inherently biased and funny that even our rather serious culture is willing to spend money on copies of it to read, laugh, and generally mock over a beer or a glass of wine.

[Luziyca]

---

The Sedik Regime: Uncovered

The cult of personality revolves around 'President' Dimitri Al'Qwelik

SH'QURI, SEDIKAL - Today, a reporter has returned from the communistic nation in the Middle East, ruled by a despot, President Dimitri Al'Qwelik. Ruling since he was 'elected' by unfair voting, due to corruption, brutality, intimidation and vote-rigging. Hassan Sumervik is a Sedik-Luziycan, and had been working here for three years. As such, we allowed him to describe his experiences while visiting the communist dictatorship that is Sedikal.

I traveled here on an assignment to report on living conditions inside Sedikal, and can be compared to Niyazov-era Turkmenistan in Sh'quri and Neccerech, and Pol Pot-era Kampuchea elsewhere. When I arrived, I received 3 days of torture, after I said "I had NOTHING to declare." Afterwards, I went on a guided tour and visited apartments in Sh'quri, where an old lady, claimed to be 130 years, Sahan Jesova lived in squalor and poverty. I had an interview with her in which she expressed the claim that it was the highest living conditions on Earth. Despite my efforts to point out that it was blatantly fake, she denied it, and kicked me out, literally, of her apartment.

I continued on, and visited Neccerech, the largest city within Sedikal. I then tour a 'special-education school' which purports to be for the disabled, but was harsh in conditions. Its brutality can be easily compared to that of the Judge Rotenburg Center within Massachusetts, and I quickly got out of here. I then visited some more flats and interviewed others, but it became quite clear that it was a human rights violating nation. It was 4 days, but I already yearned to leave the nation AGAIN. I was a refugee, and I knew it first-hand. Now, I wanted to leave, but I can't. Next, I tour a nuclear plant which was dangerous and was poorly-built and designed. When I left, I knew that yes, it would explode. A week after I left the facility, it exploded, plunging a third of the grid into darkness.

Enough about the plant. I headed back to Sh'quri and then visited museums, monuments and zoo, and then I finally got tortured for 3 days. I then was able to board the plane AGAIN and depart back to Luziyca.

The conditions were absolutely terrible, and is one of the worst nations, just barely above the "Democratic Republic" of the Congo, formerly known as Zaire. It was just below North Korea in media freedoms and had the lowest life expectancy: at the age of 22. Thus, I can clearly blame the government for the policies, but Sedik Orthodoxy now functions in exile. Save for when they tried to reform the government to ensure true freedom and democracy, before it was averted by those who were brainwashed by the communist regime "opposing" the new methods.

[Sedikal]

This is an official statement from president Dimitri Ál'Qwelik

"this man can write I'll give him that but there's a lot that's wrong with this article.
The way you portrayed are nation and people was false I mean how can a nation be like that but yet have a HDI of .814? Then he said we are in the middle east which makes me think he ended up in Iraq not Sedikal as Sedikal is in eastern Europe. Also the statue that is shown is not in Sedikal at all as we don't have statues of are leaders we have statues of are brave fighting men and women. Also it is illegal under Sedik law to torture anyone unless they are are a POW and then it's only water boarding that is allowed. And as well you clearly can not say that the Sedik Oethodox Church is in exile as the clergy meets every week in St. Ãnbvįoń chathidral in Sdín Sedikal I even went there after my inauguration. I am a pracisioner of the faith as well. Also you may think what you want but the fact is that the votes were tallied in Nordengrund and with there nations support of the moralist parties candidate Loskin Hiskose dont you think if it was rigged it would have come out in favore of Loskin? and with no one of Sedik off limitation in nordengrund there was no way a Sedik could have riged the vote. Also we don't make anyone declare in air travel. Also don't you ever call us communist again! That part of ate history end along with the first civil war. I'm not a communist it would be illogical if I was as I fought to oust the communist regime in 1964 so why would I be something I fought to destroy."

We also found a Luziycan immigrant on the streets of Awékiön Sedikal.
"well as far as info structure goes it not much difrant then Luziyca. I don't mind paying taxes I mean I do wish they were lower but I get free healthcare and the unemployment benifts are really good I mean when I first came here I got something called a start up check. Petsonally the only reason I moved was because i didn't want to stay there when they arrested my brother was arrested for being a communist. I didn't want to live in a place that didn't let people believe in what that want. In light of this I am a proud member of the conservative party of Sedikal. There isn't to much of a difrance between Sedikal and Luziyca but I just feel freer in Sedikal then I did in Luziyca." he told reporters.

[Luziyca]

This is an official statement from president Dimitri Ál'Qwelik

"this man can write I'll give him that but there's a lot that's wrong with this article.
The way you portrayed are nation and people was false I mean how can a nation be like that but yet have a HDI of .814? Then he said we are in the middle east which makes me think he ended up in Iraq not Sedikal as Sedikal is in eastern Europe. Also the statue that is shown is not in Sedikal at all as we don't have statues of are leaders we have statues of are brave fighting men and women. Also it is illegal under Sedik law to torture anyone unless they are are a POW and then it's only water boarding that is allowed. And as well you clearly can not say that the Sedik Oethodox Church is in exile as the clergy meets every week in St. Ãnbvįoń chathidral in Sdín Sedikal I even went there after my inauguration. I am a pracisioner of the faith as well. Also you may think what you want but the fact is that the votes were tallied in Nordengrund and with there nations support of the moralist parties candidate Loskin Hiskose dont you think if it was rigged it would have come out in favore of Loskin? and with no one of Sedik off limitation in nordengrund there was no way a Sedik could have riged the vote. Also we don't make anyone declare in air travel. Also don't you ever call us communist again! That part of ate history end along with the first civil war. I'm not a communist it would be illogical if I was as I fought to oust the communist regime in 1964 so why would I be something I fought to destroy."

We also found a Luziycan immigrant on the streets of Awékiön Sedikal.
"well as far as info structure goes it not much difrant then Luziyca. I don't mind paying taxes I mean I do wish they were lower but I get free healthcare and the unemployment benifts are really good I mean when I first came here I got something called a start up check. Petsonally the only reason I moved was because i didn't want to stay there when they arrested my brother was arrested for being a communist. I didn't want to live in a place that didn't let people believe in what that want. In light of this I am a proud member of the conservative party of Sedikal. There isn't to much of a difrance between Sedikal and Luziyca but I just feel freer in Sedikal then I did in Luziyca." he told reporters.

Well, one of the major benefits of capitalistic society is that their grammar is typically correct. Either way, it might be there, but you would have requested that it come in YOUR favor.

Signed,
Adam Varanken

[Luziyca]

---

The Quebecois: A Puppet State of the "Democratic People's Republic" of Korea

The monarchy of Quebec is actually ruled under the influence of Kim Jong-un

QUEBEC CITY, QUEBEC - A week ago, one of our fellow Korean-Quebecois-Luziycan, Ju Mu-Yong, has returned from the "Royal Kingdom of Quebec." HIs family moved from there, before the communist dictator, "Comrade" Henri IV. Ju Mu-Yong thus gets to report on Quebec.

When Ju arrived, he went on a guided tour, after being given 48 lashes, one for his own age. Despite its French architecture and culture, there was virtually no French-speakers there, save for those that he was allowed to speak to. On the streets, paintings of Henri IV, Kim il-Sung, Kim Jong-il and Kim Jong-un are everywhere to be seen, as well as statues and crumbling apartment blocks, as if they were made of Tetris blocks. While many claim to be French, there are barely any French speakers, let alone ANY English speakers. Almost everyone is mandated to SPEAK and WRITE Korean, thereby ensuring that it would be aligned with North Korea. Quebec has covertly supported the DPRK during the Korean War from 1951 to 1954, and now, it follows "Juche," a brand of Stalinism and communism, but under a different name and form. But, this chameleon, Juche, is a paper chameleon, for we can actually see what it actually is.

He had to remain in Quebec, and had to be shown propaganda. Once, he was actually lucky to stay with some distant relatives and actually, they criticized the pro-DPRK regime within Quebec. Throughout the streets, all Ju could read was the Pyongyang Times, and the Rodong Sinmun, both of them North Korean propaganda. After 7 days, he was allowed to leave, after given another 48 lashes. He had to spend two weeks in a Luziycan hospital to recover from the torture he suffered whilst in Quebec, and now says that it is a third world communist country, that "like my colleagues and even my friends in government, should be avoided AT ALL COSTS."

[The Royal Kingdom of Quebec]

Surprisingly or not so surprisingly,this quickly became viral issue on the internet. Over 378,570 comments were posted in the first day,all of them negative. Some. f those were:

"Why are they having a grab at us instead of Canada and their Harper Government? Seriously, F**k Harper, who must've orchestrated this to happen!" -Mathieu Lynche, Montréal

"Um....This must've been done with some sorcery,considering how 97% of all Quéécois speak all 3 Official lamguages of the nation:English, Korean and Français!"-Luna Thornton, St.John's

"Is this the same nation that staged its crusade for Democraty against Lanos? Not so surprising..."-Louis.Svghrda,Gaspé

"Um....They obviously went to visit a random communist nation. Particularly when they forgot about the large First Nations population nationwide. Additionally,Korea was never called DPR Korea,but the Empire of Korea,which is mixed-market like us!(ICly:Our economic system's similar to the Canada's)
-Gilbert Atanarjuat,University of Attawapiskat ,Attawapiskat

"Another garbage. Good enough for keeping a campfire alive."
-Tanatos_Lemieux,Acadie-

"Of course being fluemt in Korean is mandated,but unlike some racist nations,we also allow them to be fluent in either Emglish or French if they can't!"
-Seung_Joon,Montréal-

Obviously, some of the comments were aimed at the article 's view of His Imperial Majesty the Pierre Henri IV.

"Our emperor as a dictator? Well,I say, "Go to hell,idiots!"
-Goodol'_Lumberjack,Abitibi-

"Please don't tell me that they're aiming our queen as its topic for the next article. Vive La Rhine Natalie III!"
-Suza.na,Attawapiskat-

"One thing they got right is that there're lots of the pictures of the King and Queen in the streets and buildings. However,it's done because we love our HIM Pierre Henri IV! Vive les Jeongs!"
-Merc.1412,Québec-

[/box]

[Umbra Ac Silentium]

The Foreign Affairs Council of The United People's Democracy of Umbra Ac Silentium sincerely wishes to arrange the purchase of a single newspaper to be sent by mail to its office. Such a wonderfully hilarious newspaper could hardly be passed up; and was declared by the Foreign Affairs council in a vote of five to one to be superior in humor to the Mors Somniorum Chronicle's comic section.

[Luziyca]

The Foreign Affairs Council of The United People's Democracy of Umbra Ac Silentium sincerely wishes to arrange the purchase of a single newspaper to be sent by mail to its office. Such a wonderfully hilarious newspaper could hardly be passed up; and was declared by the Foreign Affairs council in a vote of five to one to be superior in humor to the Mors Somniorum Chronicle's comic section.

We accept the offer for daily deliveries, and hope that it is taken seriously as a legitimate news source. As long as it is not banned, we do not give a damn about what others do with our paper.

Signed,
Adam Varanken