NationStates

Kenmoria wrote:“In clause 1a, ‘Includes childbirth and abortion’ isn’t a proper sentence. I recommend changing it to ‘including childbirth and abortion’ and making it a clause of the previous sentence.”

Zodiac scribbles a bit more on the copy.

"I have now done something similar to this, though I wonder now if it might come across as a run-on sentence."

Godular wrote:

Kenmoria wrote:“In clause 1a, ‘Includes childbirth and abortion’ isn’t a proper sentence. I recommend changing it to ‘including childbirth and abortion’ and making it a clause of the previous sentence.”

Zodiac scribbles a bit more on the copy.

"I have now done something similar to this, though I wonder now if it might come across as a run-on sentence."

“Since ‘including childbirth and abortion’ is a subordinate clause, this shouldn’t be an issue.”

"How's the current phrasing though? Does that attend to the concern sufficiently or should I go with your suggestion verbatim?"

Godular wrote:"How's the current phrasing though? Does that attend to the concern sufficiently or should I go with your suggestion verbatim?"

“Oh yes, I hadn’t seen the new phrasing. The new version is excellent.”

OOC:

Small grammatical quibble -

In the definitions, the word/phrase you are defining is written in title case (where the first letter of each word is capitalized) - that does not mean, however, that those words need to be written in title case throughout the proposal. If you insist on leaving it as-is, though, you should be consistent. In clause 2b, you say "At-Risk households", refraining from capitalizing the "h" in households.

In 2c, you should say "members" as opposed to "nations" in order to ensure consistency.

---

Alternatively, you can ignore everything above this line if you simply get rid of the definitions, and put what the definition is in place of the defined words themselves. In fact, I recommend this route - other than "Members," you only use each defined word once (unless I'm missing something somehow), so by defining it, you're really only making the proposal beefier. In place of "members," you can use "member-states" or "member-nations," which is known terminology that does not need definition.

If you decide to do this, I've included how it would look + the BBCode below, for your ease.

Morover wrote:OOC:

Small grammatical quibble -

In the definitions, the word/phrase you are defining is written in title case (where the first letter of each word is capitalized) - that does not mean, however, that those words need to be written in title case throughout the proposal. If you insist on leaving it as-is, though, you should be consistent. In clause 2b, you say "At-Risk households", refraining from capitalizing the "h" in households.

In 2c, you should say "members" as opposed to "nations" in order to ensure consistency.

---

Alternatively, you can ignore everything above this line if you simply get rid of the definitions, and put what the definition is in place of the defined words themselves. In fact, I recommend this route - other than "Members," you only use each defined word once (unless I'm missing something somehow), so by defining it, you're really only making the proposal beefier. In place of "members," you can use "member-states" or "member-nations," which is known terminology that does not need definition.

If you decide to do this, I've included how it would look + the BBCode below, for your ease.

The Nations of the World Assembly,

ACKNOWLEDGING that access to abortion services is one of the most heavily ensconced rights among the nations of the WA, yet also one of the most heavily debated and contentious issues on the floor, that many nations have moral qualms regarding abortion access, and often feel disenfranchised by the prevailing atmosphere of perceived lack of compromise and understanding;

COGNIZANT of the fact that many abortions are taken because of the impact that such a pregnancy would have upon one's economic and educational circumstances, in addition to any medical or psychological ramifications, and that the costs of medical services are often seen as prohibitive to unplanned pregnancies, thereby preventing them from becoming unwanted pregnancies;

RESOLVED to put forward a means of reducing abortions in member states by presenting a means to ameliorate the financial and physiological ramifications of unplanned pregnancy, which are often among the root causes of the need for abortion services,

Hereby enacts the following:

1. Healthcare: Member-nations must enact policies enabling any form of health care pertaining to a person's pregnancy, inclusive of diagnostic, surgical, and pharmaceutical extents, as well as childbirth and termination of pregnancy to be offered free-of-charge to those persons that would fall under the purview of such policies.
   
2. Welfare: Member-nations must enact policies providing any form of financial assistance afforded to households so as to remedy any financial or psychological strain that single parents might experience with the result of an unplanned pregnancy, including child-care services, tax relief, subsidies and any other services deemed appropriate options to any family that is experiencing circumstances that could lead to potential financial, psychological, or physiological detriment to the parent(s) due to pregnancy- or child-related circumstances. Such measures must include occupational child care, financial assistance for pediatric healthcare, and financial assistance for low-income or single-parent households. Such supports can and should remain subject to any currently established eligibility requirements.
   
3. Funding: Resources from the World Assembly General Fund shall be utilized to address the needs of any member-nations that are verifiably unable to financially adhere to the mandates presented in this legislation.

Code: Select all

The Nations of the World Assembly,

ACKNOWLEDGING that access to abortion services is one of the most heavily ensconced rights among the nations of the WA, yet also one of the most heavily debated and contentious issues on the floor, that many nations have moral qualms regarding abortion access, and often feel disenfranchised by the prevailing atmosphere of perceived lack of compromise and understanding;

COGNIZANT of the fact that many abortions are taken because of the impact that such a pregnancy would have upon one's economic and educational circumstances, in addition to any medical or psychological ramifications, and that the costs of medical services are often seen as prohibitive to unplanned pregnancies, thereby preventing them from becoming unwanted pregnancies;

RESOLVED to put forward a means of reducing abortions in member states by presenting a means to ameliorate the financial and physiological ramifications of unplanned pregnancy, which are often among the root causes of the need for abortion services,

Hereby enacts the following:

[list=1][*][b]Healthcare:[/b] Member-nations must enact policies enabling any form of health care pertaining to a person's pregnancy, inclusive of diagnostic, surgical, and pharmaceutical extents, as well as childbirth and termination of pregnancy to be offered free-of-charge to those persons that would fall under the purview of such policies.

[*][b]Welfare:[/b] Member-nations must enact policies providing any form of financial assistance afforded to households so as to remedy any financial or psychological strain that single parents might experience with the result of an unplanned pregnancy, including child-care services, tax relief, subsidies and any other services deemed appropriate options to any family that is experiencing circumstances that could lead to potential financial, psychological, or physiological detriment to the parent(s) due to pregnancy- or child-related circumstances. Such measures must include occupational child care, financial assistance for pediatric healthcare, and financial assistance for low-income or single-parent households. Such supports can and should remain subject to any currently established eligibility requirements.

[*][b]Funding:[/b] Resources from the World Assembly General Fund shall be utilized to address the needs of any member-nations that are verifiably unable to financially adhere to the mandates presented in this legislation.[/list]

Might you agree that definition 2C could simply be removed, while the other two could remain intact without otherwise affecting the legislation?

Godular wrote:

Morover wrote:OOC:

Small grammatical quibble -

In the definitions, the word/phrase you are defining is written in title case (where the first letter of each word is capitalized) - that does not mean, however, that those words need to be written in title case throughout the proposal. If you insist on leaving it as-is, though, you should be consistent. In clause 2b, you say "At-Risk households", refraining from capitalizing the "h" in households.

In 2c, you should say "members" as opposed to "nations" in order to ensure consistency.

---

Alternatively, you can ignore everything above this line if you simply get rid of the definitions, and put what the definition is in place of the defined words themselves. In fact, I recommend this route - other than "Members," you only use each defined word once (unless I'm missing something somehow), so by defining it, you're really only making the proposal beefier. In place of "members," you can use "member-states" or "member-nations," which is known terminology that does not need definition.

If you decide to do this, I've included how it would look + the BBCode below, for your ease.

The Nations of the World Assembly,

ACKNOWLEDGING that access to abortion services is one of the most heavily ensconced rights among the nations of the WA, yet also one of the most heavily debated and contentious issues on the floor, that many nations have moral qualms regarding abortion access, and often feel disenfranchised by the prevailing atmosphere of perceived lack of compromise and understanding;

COGNIZANT of the fact that many abortions are taken because of the impact that such a pregnancy would have upon one's economic and educational circumstances, in addition to any medical or psychological ramifications, and that the costs of medical services are often seen as prohibitive to unplanned pregnancies, thereby preventing them from becoming unwanted pregnancies;

RESOLVED to put forward a means of reducing abortions in member states by presenting a means to ameliorate the financial and physiological ramifications of unplanned pregnancy, which are often among the root causes of the need for abortion services,

Hereby enacts the following:

1. Healthcare: Member-nations must enact policies enabling any form of health care pertaining to a person's pregnancy, inclusive of diagnostic, surgical, and pharmaceutical extents, as well as childbirth and termination of pregnancy to be offered free-of-charge to those persons that would fall under the purview of such policies.
   
2. Welfare: Member-nations must enact policies providing any form of financial assistance afforded to households so as to remedy any financial or psychological strain that single parents might experience with the result of an unplanned pregnancy, including child-care services, tax relief, subsidies and any other services deemed appropriate options to any family that is experiencing circumstances that could lead to potential financial, psychological, or physiological detriment to the parent(s) due to pregnancy- or child-related circumstances. Such measures must include occupational child care, financial assistance for pediatric healthcare, and financial assistance for low-income or single-parent households. Such supports can and should remain subject to any currently established eligibility requirements.
   
3. Funding: Resources from the World Assembly General Fund shall be utilized to address the needs of any member-nations that are verifiably unable to financially adhere to the mandates presented in this legislation.

Code: Select all

The Nations of the World Assembly,

ACKNOWLEDGING that access to abortion services is one of the most heavily ensconced rights among the nations of the WA, yet also one of the most heavily debated and contentious issues on the floor, that many nations have moral qualms regarding abortion access, and often feel disenfranchised by the prevailing atmosphere of perceived lack of compromise and understanding;

COGNIZANT of the fact that many abortions are taken because of the impact that such a pregnancy would have upon one's economic and educational circumstances, in addition to any medical or psychological ramifications, and that the costs of medical services are often seen as prohibitive to unplanned pregnancies, thereby preventing them from becoming unwanted pregnancies;

RESOLVED to put forward a means of reducing abortions in member states by presenting a means to ameliorate the financial and physiological ramifications of unplanned pregnancy, which are often among the root causes of the need for abortion services,

Hereby enacts the following:

[list=1][*][b]Healthcare:[/b] Member-nations must enact policies enabling any form of health care pertaining to a person's pregnancy, inclusive of diagnostic, surgical, and pharmaceutical extents, as well as childbirth and termination of pregnancy to be offered free-of-charge to those persons that would fall under the purview of such policies.

[*][b]Welfare:[/b] Member-nations must enact policies providing any form of financial assistance afforded to households so as to remedy any financial or psychological strain that single parents might experience with the result of an unplanned pregnancy, including child-care services, tax relief, subsidies and any other services deemed appropriate options to any family that is experiencing circumstances that could lead to potential financial, psychological, or physiological detriment to the parent(s) due to pregnancy- or child-related circumstances. Such measures must include occupational child care, financial assistance for pediatric healthcare, and financial assistance for low-income or single-parent households. Such supports can and should remain subject to any currently established eligibility requirements.

[*][b]Funding:[/b] Resources from the World Assembly General Fund shall be utilized to address the needs of any member-nations that are verifiably unable to financially adhere to the mandates presented in this legislation.[/list]

Might you agree that definition 2C could simply be removed, while the other two could remain intact without otherwise affecting the legislation?

All of them can remain intact - it just doesn't make much sense to define something that's only used once. It's up to you, really.

Wait... sorry, I misread, my question was in regards to section 1D.

Would it be workable to simply incorporate the definitions into each of the mandate clauses?

Godular wrote:Wait... sorry, I misread, my question was in regards to section 1D.

Would it be workable to simply incorporate the definitions into each of the mandate clauses?

If you're going to keep the definitions, keep them in their own distinct section. I just think that the definitions are unnecessary - but it doesn't detract from the actual content of the resolution (it may make it more readable, too, so I do understand why you included it the way you did).

If you do keep the resolution as-is, though, you may want to take a look back at the title case issue I arose in that first message of mine.

Morover wrote:

Godular wrote:Wait... sorry, I misread, my question was in regards to section 1D.

Would it be workable to simply incorporate the definitions into each of the mandate clauses?

If you're going to keep the definitions, keep them in their own distinct section. I just think that the definitions are unnecessary - but it doesn't detract from the actual content of the resolution (it may make it more readable, too, so I do understand why you included it the way you did).

If you do keep the resolution as-is, though, you may want to take a look back at the title case issue I arose in that first message of mine.

Already addressed... I think... gonna check again.

Edit: Yup! Did it! Just needed to update the changelog.

OOC: Title needs changing from "parents" to "households" to match contents. I'll check the actual contents tomorrow/after sleeps. Right now literally only one eye open anymore...

Araraukar wrote:OOC: Title needs changing from "parents" to "households" to match contents. I'll check the actual contents tomorrow/after sleeps. Right now literally only one eye open anymore...

OOC: I was actually wondering about that, myself. Change incorporated.

OOC: Gonna go into the last-call stage, I think. If there are any other suggestions/concerns, I'd like to hear 'em.

From a practical point, how is this resolution enforceable because how will parent(s) prove to the government that a pregnancy is “unplanned”? We wouldn’t mind if you expanded this to all at-risk households’ pregnancies, but we may be somewhat alone in this viewpoint. Anyways, our critique:

1. This needs a new title. We’d go with something like “Prenatal Care For At-Risk Households Suffering from Unplanned Pregnancies” (inspired by Separatist Peoples, and yet still probably too long). When we saw the original title, we thought you were going to go give out food stamps or something like that to all poor households, not just pregnant ones. TLDR: Title too broad.

2. 1b defines welfare supports in terms of only “single parents”. This needs to be broadened to “at-risk households”

3. “Pregnancy- or child-related circumstances” in 1c can be replaced with “an unplanned pregnancy”

4. “This is in addition to any extant welfare supports that might already be in place, unless such measures are already accounted for” achieves what exactly? Did you intend to append this to the end of 1b instead?

5. 1d can be removed. We don’t think we’re the first delegation to tell you this, by the way.

6. “Those persons that would fall under the purview of such policies” in 2a can be replaced with “at-risk households” for clarity.

7. “Low-income or single-parent households“ in 2b can be replaced with “at-risk households”

We’ll probably have more to say, but this is more than enough for now.

OOC: This is nowhere close to last call, BTW.

Flying Eagles wrote:From a practical point, how is this resolution enforceable because how will parent(s) prove to the government that a pregnancy is “unplanned”? We wouldn’t mind if you expanded this to all at-risk households’ pregnancies, but we may be somewhat alone in this viewpoint. Anyways, our critique:

1. This needs a new title. We’d go with something like “Prenatal Care For At-Risk Households Suffering from Unplanned Pregnancies” (inspired by Separatist Peoples, and yet still probably too long). When we saw the original title, we thought you were going to go give out food stamps or something like that to all poor households, not just pregnant ones. TLDR: Title too broad.

2. 1b defines welfare supports in terms of only “single parents”. This needs to be broadened to “at-risk households”

3. “Pregnancy- or child-related circumstances” in 1c can be replaced with “an unplanned pregnancy”

4. “This is in addition to any extant welfare supports that might already be in place, unless such measures are already accounted for” achieves what exactly? Did you intend to append this to the end of 1b instead?

5. 1d can be removed. We don’t think we’re the first delegation to tell you this, by the way.

6. “Those persons that would fall under the purview of such policies” in 2a can be replaced with “at-risk households” for clarity.

7. “Low-income or single-parent households“ in 2b can be replaced with “at-risk households”

We’ll probably have more to say, but this is more than enough for now.

OOC: This is nowhere close to last call, BTW.

The intent of this proposal is rather specifically that which you asked for. While the proposal aims to address unplanned pregnancies and offer support to them, the proposal makes no distinction between a planned and unplanned pregnancy, and simply endeavors to remove any potential complications that could cause a pregnancy to be no longer considered feasible.

1. I'm hesitant to alter the title, as it has already been shifted around a few times and I'd like more feedback before I make another change.

2, 4, 5, 6, 7. Fixed.

3. I'm hesitant on this one, specifically for the reason stated at the beginning of this post. A portion of this proposal also aims to ensure that child health care is accounted for.

I've been getting remarkably little feedback for a while. Kenmoria and Araraukar have offered a goodly chunk of advice, with Morover and Separatist Peoples also contributing a bit. If doing a last call gets this the attention that it needs to finally pass muster, I'm inclined to let it sit as such for a little bit.

Godular wrote:

Flying Eagles wrote:From a practical point, how is this resolution enforceable because how will parent(s) prove to the government that a pregnancy is “unplanned”? We wouldn’t mind if you expanded this to all at-risk households’ pregnancies, but we may be somewhat alone in this viewpoint. Anyways, our critique:

1. This needs a new title. We’d go with something like “Prenatal Care For At-Risk Households Suffering from Unplanned Pregnancies” (inspired by Separatist Peoples, and yet still probably too long). When we saw the original title, we thought you were going to go give out food stamps or something like that to all poor households, not just pregnant ones. TLDR: Title too broad.

2. 1b defines welfare supports in terms of only “single parents”. This needs to be broadened to “at-risk households”

3. “Pregnancy- or child-related circumstances” in 1c can be replaced with “an unplanned pregnancy”

4. “This is in addition to any extant welfare supports that might already be in place, unless such measures are already accounted for” achieves what exactly? Did you intend to append this to the end of 1b instead?

5. 1d can be removed. We don’t think we’re the first delegation to tell you this, by the way.

6. “Those persons that would fall under the purview of such policies” in 2a can be replaced with “at-risk households” for clarity.

7. “Low-income or single-parent households“ in 2b can be replaced with “at-risk households”

We’ll probably have more to say, but this is more than enough for now.

OOC: This is nowhere close to last call, BTW.

The intent of this proposal is rather specifically that which you asked for. While the proposal aims to address unplanned pregnancies and offer support to them, the proposal makes no distinction between a planned and unplanned pregnancy, and simply endeavors to remove any potential complications that could cause a pregnancy to be no longer considered feasible.

1. I'm hesitant to alter the title, as it has already been shifted around a few times and I'd like more feedback before I make another change.

2, 4, 5, 6, 7. Fixed.

3. I'm hesitant on this one, specifically for the reason stated at the beginning of this post. A portion of this proposal also aims to ensure that child health care is accounted for.

I've been getting remarkably little feedback for a while. Kenmoria and Araraukar have offered a goodly chunk of advice, with Morover and Separatist Peoples also contributing a bit. If doing a last call gets this the attention that it needs to finally pass muster, I'm inclined to let it sit as such for a little bit.

Fair enough. I think you forgot to add change 6 to the draft though

Flying Eagles wrote:

Godular wrote:
The intent of this proposal is rather specifically that which you asked for. While the proposal aims to address unplanned pregnancies and offer support to them, the proposal makes no distinction between a planned and unplanned pregnancy, and simply endeavors to remove any potential complications that could cause a pregnancy to be no longer considered feasible.

1. I'm hesitant to alter the title, as it has already been shifted around a few times and I'd like more feedback before I make another change.

2, 4, 5, 6, 7. Fixed.

3. I'm hesitant on this one, specifically for the reason stated at the beginning of this post. A portion of this proposal also aims to ensure that child health care is accounted for.

I've been getting remarkably little feedback for a while. Kenmoria and Araraukar have offered a goodly chunk of advice, with Morover and Separatist Peoples also contributing a bit. If doing a last call gets this the attention that it needs to finally pass muster, I'm inclined to let it sit as such for a little bit.

Fair enough. I think you forgot to add change 6 to the draft though

Whoops.

Fixed.

OOC: I would not recommend changing the title. "Supporting At-Risk Households" accurately describes what the proposal does, as providing welfare and healthcare services to poor families expecting a baby is one of the most fundamental ways of supporting them. In terms of length, it's good to choose the shortest title that manages to say what you want it to say.

The obvious question is "At risk of what?". A good title ought to answer that.

"Expanding Household Safety Nets"

Imperium Anglorum wrote:The obvious question is "At risk of what?". A good title ought to answer that.

At risk of a goodly number of things, but the primary focus is on parent(s) choosing to terminate a pregnancy. The initial title was 'Encouraging Pregnancy Retention' but it was shifted away from that later.

Godular wrote:

Imperium Anglorum wrote:The obvious question is "At risk of what?". A good title ought to answer that.

At risk of a goodly number of things, but the primary focus is on parent(s) choosing to terminate a pregnancy. The initial title was 'Encouraging Pregnancy Retention' but it was shifted away from that later.

Honestly, that title is better than what is currently proposed

Flying Eagles wrote:

Godular wrote:
At risk of a goodly number of things, but the primary focus is on parent(s) choosing to terminate a pregnancy. The initial title was 'Encouraging Pregnancy Retention' but it was shifted away from that later.

Honestly, that title is better than what is currently proposed

I thought it was pretty decent as well, but this legislation also works to assist such households after birth, so focusing on pregnancy felt a bit like a misnomer.

Title suggestion: "Free Abortion"

Access to Pre-Natal Healthcare