[PASSED] Ensuring Safe Syringe Use

[Morover]

OOC: Well-written first draft (er, second draft rather).

Just a few critiques.

DIRECTS the World Health Authority's EPARC to develop international standards for:

This can be just "EPARC" - drop the "World Health Authority's." It's clunky and you already said it and defined it, for the purposes of the proposal.

a. The cleaning of syringes that will adequately disinfect such syringes;
b. The discarding of syringes that are no longer safe to reuse;

Correct me if I'm wrong, it's been quite a few years since I've taken an English class, but I believe this should be "which," as opposed to "that."

c. Determining when a repeatedly disinfected syringe must be discarded;

It's probably just me, but this seems to be worded awkwardly. Perhaps something along the lines of "Creating standards under which reusable syringes must be discarded," or something. Feel free to use that, if you like it. Mine isn't perfect either but hopefully you understand what I'm getting at.

In fact, I'd probably clarify "reusable syringes" whenever you can. I'm no expert on it, and it probably isn't 100% necessary, but I think it's worth saying, if nothing else.

3. ENCOURAGES nations to implement governmental regulation on healthcare industries to ensure these standards are applied to private health programs.

I'd argue that it's just as important - if not more important - for private organizations to have the same standards as the nation itself. This is really my biggest critique for this, I think it's a necessary change. But, of course, that's just my opinion.

-

And finally, I honestly think your formatting could use a bit of work, but that's personal opinion. If I were you, I'd do something along the lines of this:

Health | Healthcare

The World Assembly,

Acknowledging the high likelihood of transmitting communicable disease through reused syringes;

Aware that higher disease transmission rates in any nation place the international community at risk;

Believing that the World Health Authority's Epidemic and Pandemic Alert and Response Center (EPARC) are both uniquely equipped to address this problem;

Hereby:

1. Directs the World Health Authority's EPARC to develop international standards for:
   
   1. The cleaning of syringes that will adequately disinfect such syringes;
   2. The discarding of syringes that are no longer safe to reuse;
   3. Determining when a repeatedly disinfected syringe must be discarded;
2. Compels any government health programs of member nations to follow these international standards or utilize new, sterile syringes when treating illness or disease with syringes;
   
3. Encourages nations to implement governmental regulation on healthcare industries to ensure these standards are applied to private health programs.

But again, the formatting is up to you. Everyone is different, it just looks a bit odd to me.

[Sylvai]

Just a few critiques.

Thanks for your input, it was really valuable. I've reformatted the proposal to properly indent lists and un-capped the caps. I've decided to mandate that private health programs utilize safe syringes as well by rewriting point 2 to this:

Mandates that any health programs of or within member nations must follow these international standards or utilize new, sterile syringes when treating illness or disease with syringes, whether these programs are public or private;

Anything else I could improve? I'm wondering if the preamble is sufficient enough for the proposal, as well. Thanks again for your feedback.

[Terttia]

I'm wondering if the preamble is sufficient enough for the proposal, as well.

I believe that the preamble is good. It does a good job of explaining why this is an international issue and that the problem can be rectified. I’d definitely get others’ feedback though.

[Sylvai]

/bump

Thanks Terttia for responding, does anyone else have any thoughts on the preamble or proposal itself? Even if you have nothing to change and think it's good, I'd like to hear from you.

[Kenmoria]

“You don’t need the ‘for’ before ‘them’ in the last clause.”

[Sylvai]

“You don’t need the ‘for’ before ‘them’ in the last clause.”

Fixed, thanks.

[Sylvai]

/bump

It's looking like the proposal is pretty solid at this point, if no one has anything else to add. Could someone explain to me what the next steps would be to begin transparently submitting the proposal? Thanks greatly in advance.

[Kenmoria]

“The ‘believing’ clause should have ‘is’ rather than ‘are both’. There should also be a line break between the second and third clauses.”

[Sylvai]

“The ‘believing’ clause should have ‘is’ rather than ‘are both’. There should also be a line break between the second and third clauses.”

Fixed the first thing, thanks--I can't fix the second because of how bbcode handles lists though. There's a line break in the raw bbcode but it doesn't show up with one. Sorry.

[Terttia]

“The ‘believing’ clause should have ‘is’ rather than ‘are both’. There should also be a line break between the second and third clauses.”

Fixed the first thing, thanks--I can't fix the second because of how bbcode handles lists though. There's a line break in the raw bbcode but it doesn't show up with one. Sorry.

Place two lines in between; it will show up as one line.

[Kenmoria]

“The ‘believing’ clause should have ‘is’ rather than ‘are both’. There should also be a line break between the second and third clauses.”

Fixed the first thing, thanks--I can't fix the second because of how bbcode handles lists though. There's a line break in the raw bbcode but it doesn't show up with one. Sorry.

(OOC: You need to put in two line breaks in the BBCode.)

[Sylvai]

Place two lines in between; it will show up as one line.

(OOC: You need to put in two line breaks in the BBCode.)

Oop, you're right. Thanks guys. It should show up now.

[Araraukar]

OOC post.

My apologies for taking ages to get back to this. This time of the year is somewhat hectic as you might be aware.

Acknowledging the high likelihood of transmitting communicable disease through reused syringes;

Given your okay for reuse later on, you should make that something like "through the re-use of inadequately sterilized syringes". I'd also change "ackhowledging" to something like "concerned of".

Aware that higher disease transmission rates in any nation place the international community at risk;

This is inadequate. Make it clearer that communicable disease outbreaks can become an issue, especially if they're spread by inadequate healthcare systems. Like, it's no use vaccinating people against Disease X, if they get Disease Y from the vaccination needle. That would also help tie this whole thing into healthcare rather than international aid.

Believing that the World Health Authority's Epidemic and Pandemic Alert and Response Center (EPARC) is uniquely equipped to address this problem;

No. You don't want to make this be only about the committee. You can use the committee, sure, but you don't want to put it in the preamble. Also, like others have said, drop the "World Health Authority's" entirely from the committee name. As far as proposal rules are concerned, WHA and EPARC are separate committees.

You'll also need a clause to clarify why the existing anti-epidemic resolutions aren't enough. Because there are at least two extant ones, and I would imagine that mandating clean syringe use would be a no-brainer in preventing epidemias.

Directs EPARC to develop international standards for:

Given the strike-out, you need to spell out the committee name. However, I'm not entirely certain why you think you need the committee, given that you spell out the standards. Couldn't you just make the standards standalone mandates applied to the nations directly? Why involve the committee at all? Also, you don't need text effects (bolding) for first words.

The cleaning of syringes which will adequately disinfect such syringes;

Or, in more common language, "Adequately disinfecting syringes".

The discarding of syringes which are no longer safe to reuse;

Leave the "the" out of the start. I'd probably add "despite disinfection" at the end.

Determining when a disinfected syringe must be discarded;

...but you just said that. In the above subclause.

Mandates that any health programs of or within member nations must follow these international standards or utilize new, sterile syringes when treating illness or disease with syringes, whether these programs are public or private;

Unnecessary, given you can only mandate for member nations. If you meant it so that, say, vaccination campaigns carried out by member nation personnel in non-member nations, then change the language to apply to all member nations healthcare personnel instead. That way you don't need to specify any "healthcare programs" or public or private, as it'll apply to all.

Encourages member nations to further restrict syringe usage to only new, sterile syringes through regulation if they have the means to provide them.

Make this a mandate instead of just an encouragement. And "use" instead of "usage". And minus "only".

You probably should include some lines about spreading awareness of the importance of proper disinfection and use of clean syringes, as well as training healthcare personnel to use them safely. If you want to be thorough, also add a clause about safe disposal of the dangerous waste (syringe needles are sharp).

[Sylvai]

OOC post.

My apologies for taking ages to get back to this. This time of the year is somewhat hectic as you might be aware.

OOC: No worries! Looks like it's time for me to do another rewrite. Thanks for taking the time to give all this feedback during holiday times, it's much appreciated

[Sylvai]

OOC.

Excuse the bump, I finished writing a new draft that addresses many of the problems Araraukar has brought up, which can be found below:

Health | Healthcare

THE WORLD ASSEMBLY,

CONCERNED with the high likelihood of transmitting communicable disease through the reuse of inadequately sterilized syringes;

AWARE that higher disease transmission rates in any nation place the international community at risk of an outbreak, especially when they result from unsafe treatment;

ACKNOWLEDGING that previous healthcare legislation has neglected to address the incredible importance of safe syringe use;

HEREBY

1. Directs Epidemic and Pandemic Alert and Response Center to develop international standards for:
   
   1. How to adequately disinfect used syringes for reuse;
   2. How to safely discard syringes that are no longer safe to reuse;
   3. How to determine when a syringe is no longer safe to use and therefore must be discarded;
2. Mandates that any healthcare organizations follow these international standards or utilize new, sterile syringes when treating illness or disease with syringes;
   
   
3. Requires that any healthcare organizations further restrict syringe use to new, sterile syringes when treating illness or disease with syringes if they have the means to provide them;
   
   
4. Charges healthcare organizations with training any medical personnel who treat disease on proper syringe usage in accordance with this resolution and retrain them in the event of an outbreak or epidemic.

I want to address a few of the things in this new proposal:

• I did my best to rewrite some of the preamble clauses for clarification, and used language to stress the importance of the proposal. This could probably use some work, so feel free to point out what I can do to bolster it.
• I've decided to keep the mention of EPARC because in my opinion, it's not enough to simply say "clean syringes well, dispose of them safely," etc., and on the flip side I don't really think I can go into more specifics of how to disinfect syringes properly or dispose of them properly because I'm not a healthcare professional.
• I rewrote the language I used what EPARC is supposed to create standards about because that was causing some confusion.
• I took out mentions of "member nations" and "private or public" and just made the standards apply to all healthcare organizations.
• On that note, I changed "health programs" to "healthcare organizations" because the former doesn't mean what I thought it meant (the latter).
• Added a clause for training healthcare workers who use syringes on these standards.

Thanks again to Araraukar; hopefully, this version of the proposal will be more robust than the previous versions. Nevertheless, I invite feedback and thoughts on the proposal and how it can be improved.

[Terttia]

1. Directs Epidemic and Pandemic Alert and Response Center to develop international standards for:
   
   1. How to adequately disinfect used syringes for reuse;
   2. How to safely discard syringes that are no longer safe to reuse;
   3. How to determine when a syringe is no longer safe to use and therefore must be discarded;

I’m not sure if it’s just me but using the words “...to develop international standards for how to...” doesn’t form a good syntax.

[Sylvai]

I’m not sure if it’s just me but using the words “...to develop international standards for how to...” doesn’t form a good syntax.

I think it flows fine but for clarity's sake I've changed it to read: "...to develop international standards that explain how to..." which should flow better.

[Terttia]

I’m not sure if it’s just me but using the words “...to develop international standards for how to...” doesn’t form a good syntax.

I think it flows fine but for clarity's sake I've changed it to read: "...to develop international standards that explain how to..." which should flow better.

Place “how to” before the colon in that list; using “how to” three times is superfluous in my opinion.

[Sylvai]

I think it flows fine but for clarity's sake I've changed it to read: "...to develop international standards that explain how to..." which should flow better.

Place “how to” before the colon in that list; using “how to” three times is superfluous in my opinion.

You got it.

[Sylvai]

/bump

Checkin' if there's any more feedback on the current draft. If not, I could use some help figuring out what the next steps are for the proposal. I'm relatively new to this, so I'm not sure if there's anything customary I should do before submitting this to the queue.

Here's a copy of the text of the current draft:

Health | Healthcare

THE WORLD ASSEMBLY,

CONCERNED with the high likelihood of transmitting communicable disease through the reuse of inadequately sterilized syringes;

AWARE that higher disease transmission rates in any nation place the international community at risk of an outbreak, especially when they result from unsafe treatment;

ACKNOWLEDGING that previous healthcare legislation has neglected to address the incredible importance of safe syringe use;

HEREBY

1. Directs Epidemic and Pandemic Alert and Response Center to develop international standards that explain how to:
   
   1. Adequately disinfect used syringes for reuse;
   2. Safely discard syringes that are no longer safe to reuse;
   3. Determine when a syringe is no longer safe to use and therefore must be discarded;
2. Mandates that any healthcare organizations follow these international standards or utilize new, sterile syringes when treating illness or disease with syringes;
   
   
3. Requires that any healthcare organizations further restrict syringe use to new, sterile syringes when treating illness or disease with syringes if they have the means to provide them;
   
   
4. Charges healthcare organizations with training any medical personnel who treat disease on proper syringe usage in accordance with this resolution and retrain them in the event of an outbreak or epidemic.

[Terttia]

Comments in red

Health | Healthcare

THE WORLD ASSEMBLY, You’ve capitalized each letter of the beginning words in each perambulatory clause along with “Hereby”, contrary to your draft 2 formatting.

CONCERNED with the high likelihood of transmitting communicable disease through the reuse of inadequately sterilized syringes;

AWARE that higher disease transmission rates in any nation place the international community at risk of an outbreak, especially when they result from unsafe treatment;

ACKNOWLEDGING that previous healthcare legislation has neglected to address the incredible importance of safe syringe use;

HEREBY,

1. Directs the Epidemic and Pandemic Alert and Response Center to develop international standards that explain how to This reads better without “explain how to”:
   
   1. Adequately disinfect used syringes for reuse;
   2. Safely discard syringes that are no longer safe to reuse;
   3. Determine when a syringe is no longer safe to use and therefore must be discarded;
   Each of these sections (a,b,c) in this list should begin with a lowercase letter; the whole clause should read like a sentence.
   
   
2. Mandates that any healthcare organizations follow these international standards or utilize new, sterile syringes when treating illness or disease with syringes Using “with syringes” here is redundant in my opinion;
   
   
3. Requires that any healthcare organizations further restrict syringe use to new, sterile syringes when treating illness or Illness and disease mean the same thing disease with syringes if they have the means to provide them;
   
   
4. Charges healthcare organizations with training any medical personnel who treat disease on proper syringe usage in accordance with this resolution and retrain Why do they need to be retrained? That only makes sense when there are new standards set by EPARC. them in the event of an outbreak or epidemic.

[Newark Aristocracy]

The Ambassador Of The Newark Aristocracy stands up.
He speaks.
I fully support this resolution,as I believe it will also have great positive economic impact,as nations that rely on making syringes and syringe needles will have more production than ever seen before,as a result of this,the nation will have a better economy,and henceforth,better quality of life,and more money to spend.

[Sylvai]

-snip-

Thanks for the feedback, especially on the formatting--I fixed a lot of it.

Couple of things I decided not to change:

• I think I would prefer to make it clear that they utilize clean/new syringes in place of syringes, because not including the qualifier "treating disease with syringes" makes it sound like member nations would have to use syringes to treat any disease even when they may not need to use them. If that makes any sense.
• I think it's important to retrain healthcare providers in the event of an outbreak so that they're aware of the proper ways to treat infection and limit its spread.

But everything else I did change. If you find something in the above two points objectionable, let me know.

The Ambassador Of The Newark Aristocracy stands up.
He speaks.
I fully support this resolution,as I believe it will also have great positive economic impact,as nations that rely on making syringes and syringe needles will have more production than ever seen before,as a result of this,the nation will have a better economy,and henceforth,better quality of life,and more money to spend.

"Thank you, Mr. Ambassador, for supporting my proposal. I had not considered your perspective until now, but I do agree this would be a great strength of the proposal were it to pass."

[The COT Corporation]

"I just have to say, amazingly written drafts."

[Terttia]

• I think it's important to retrain healthcare providers in the event of an outbreak so that they're aware of the proper ways to treat infection and limit its spread.

Forcing healthcare workers to be retrained with syringes every time there is an outbreak is counterintuitive; healthcare workers should be trained in such a way that they can apply their skills to almost all situations. Only when EPARC sets new standards should they be retrained.