The World Assembly Strangers' Bar

[B1G JIM SLADE]

Meanwhile the skull sat on the counter, its eyes glowing a malevolent red as it seemed to take in the surroundings.

Big Jim walks over and starts to offer a friendly handshake, then realizes the skull doesn't have hands. He awkwardly withdraws his hand and speaks.

"Say my man, you own that birdhouse shrine thing? How that thing work? Oh, sorry not to introduce myself. I'm Big Jim Slade, former WA ambassador for the now utterly destroyed former nation of Great Beulah Land, wiped out in a fierrry cauldron of nuclear armagideon. Me and my wife and kids is the only survivors since we was here in the WA building instead of back home. Can you believe that? Praise God for sparing us!

While we on the subject, I'm currently lookin' for work. I'm a fully qualified WA ambassador, so if you happen to know any nations that's in search of a diplomat could you put in a kind word for me? Times is hard, I'll represent anybody. Here's my card."

Big Jim starts to hand Murray a card, then remembers he has no hands, so he just sort of puts it on the bar in front of the disembodied skull, and backs away.

[Murray the Evil Skull]

Greetings, Mortal! You may call me Murray. I am the harbinger of you Doom. Myuhshahahahaha!

This is the Shrine to the Cute One...at least thats what the Kawaiians called it. I never got too much more than that, as the Grandmother who took care of it tended to act like Willie Stargell at home plate when I asked too many questions. Kawaiian Grandmothers are not to be triffled with, Mortal. In their absence, I just have it lightly dusted every one in awhile.

As to your employment situation. How are you with Evil Schemes, Mortal? As you can see, I have no body, but with your body and my brains, we could CONQUER THE WORLD! MYUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

As for the benefits, apart from causing pain and misery and the joy that entails, the pay is generous, thanks to my franchising and merchendise profits, paid holidays and vacations, and insurance, dental included. You don't have a problem working with catgirls from Thessadoria, do you?

[B1G JIM SLADE]

As to your employment situation. How are you with Evil Schemes, Mortal? As you can see, I have no body, but with your body and my brains, we could CONQUER THE WORLD! MYUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

As for the benefits, apart from causing pain and misery and the joy that entails, the pay is generous, thanks to my franchising and merchendise profits, paid holidays and vacations, and insurance, dental included. You don't have a problem working with catgirls from Thessadoria, do you?[/i]

"Why, I got quite a talent for Evil Schemes, Mr. Murray! An I got no problems workin' with them catgirls. Them benefits sounds good too!

I accept your offer and will get to work representin' you immediately! Can I get you somethin' to drink? You look like you might have a powerful thirst this fine mornin'."

[Murray the Evil Skull]

"Why, I got quite a talent for Evil Schemes, Mr. Murray! An I got no problems workin' with them catgirls. Them benefits sounds good too!

I accept your offer and will get to work representin' you immediately! Can I get you somethin' to drink? You look like you might have a powerful thirst this fine mornin'."

"Glad to have you on board, Mortal. All I need is a Boat drink with a straw, and a curry. My girl, Clarice will be here shortly with the contract and forms that need signatures. The bar here is pretty much my office, but if you need a place to crash, just go to the Palentine's or the Kennyites offices. I'm the regional gatekeeper/greeter for the AO, so they owe me.

Other than that all that currently needs done is preperation for the next election for WA General Secretary. I'm running. My slogan is "Vote for Murray, in your heart you KNOW he's right!" You'll have plenty of time in the meanwile to get acclimated to the new job, and make any connections. So you have a family, Mortal?"

At this point Murray begins to hack, sputter, shake and cough. Finally the skull seems to spasm as it yeets some tickets out of it's mouth. Many of the bar patrons turn away looks of utter disgust.

"Gah, I hate it when something gets stuck. Heres some free passes to Murrayland, the AO's EVILEST amusement part. Feel your soul get gently seperated from your body in a family friendly atmosphere while eating a corn dog."

[B1G JIM SLADE]

"Glad to have you on board, Mortal. All I need is a Boat drink with a straw, and a curry. My girl, Clarice will be here shortly with the contract and forms that need signatures. The bar here is pretty much my office, but if you need a place to crash, just go to the Palentine's or the Kennyites offices. I'm the regional gatekeeper/greeter for the AO, so they owe me.

Other than that all that currently needs done is preperation for the next election for WA General Secretary. I'm running. My slogan is "Vote for Murray, in your heart you KNOW he's right!" You'll have plenty of time in the meanwile to get acclimated to the new job, and make any connections. So you have a family, Mortal?"

Big Jim orders Murray a double daiquiri (with a straw) and a curry.

"Oh, thanks, but we stayin' in the former Great Beulah Land offices until the WA kick us out. I got some ideas for the WA General Secretary election. How you feel bout schedulin' a debate, an once all your opponents at they podiums we just open trap doors and they fall into a pit of alligators and get eaten alive? We done that in a governor's race in Great Beulah Land once and it work pretty well. Except for the screams."

"And yes, I am a family man! Me an my wife Florida have three children: Jim Junior (We call him JJ), Thelma, our daughter, and the baby Michael. He ain't a baby no more but his mama still call him that. Great Beulah Land had a pro-family policy. Strong Black families makin millions of beautiful Black babies, and every Sunday they pile into the family station wagon and go to Church. I sure miss them good old days, but I guess they gone forever now."

At this point Murray begins to hack, sputter, shake and cough. Finally the skull seems to spasm as it yeets some tickets out of it's mouth. Many of the bar patrons turn away looks of utter disgust.

"Gah, I hate it when something gets stuck. Heres some free passes to Murrayland, the AO's EVILEST amusement part. Feel your soul get gently seperated from your body in a family friendly atmosphere while eating a corn dog."

"Wait'll I tell the wife an kids about this! Them youngsters loves amusement parks an I can eat my weight in corn dogs!"

[Wallenburg]

Trevanyika, on her third kiba now and still in her Secretary-General cosplay (which is starting to look a little tired after so many hours spent in it), turns her attention to the skull. "Hey, you know this whole getup was just a big joke I was playing on the Simonians. I can't say I recognize your face--if you can call what you have that--but you most certainly aren't the real Catherine Gratwick come to exact punishment on me, and I don't think she'll take well to you making a highly publicized attempt to feign some election to her position."

[B1G JIM SLADE]

Big Jim digs through the boxes of cassettes and finally finds an ancient yellowed one. He places it in the karaoke machine and hits play.

"Here a song my dopehead neighbors used to play back in the 70's"

"I would love to tour the Southland
In a traveling minstrel show
Yes I'd love to tour the Southland
In a traveling minstrel show

Yes, I'm dying to be a star and make them laugh
Sound just like a record on the phonograph
Those days are gone forever
Over a long time ago, oh yeah

I have never met Napoleon
But I plan to find the time
I have never met Napoleon
But I plan to find the time, yes I do

'Cause he looks so fine upon that hill
They tell me he was lonely, he's lonely still
Those days are gone forever
Over a long time ago, oh yeah

I stepped up on the platform
The man gave me the news
He said, you must be joking son
Where did you get those shoes?
Where did you get those shoes?

Well, I've seen 'em on the TV, the movie show
They say the times are changing but I just don't know
These things are gone forever
Over a long time ago, oh yeah"

[The Palentine]

After Jim finished his song, Empress Jhessan found another song...

"Roland was a warrior from the land of the midnight sun
With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done
The deal was made in Denmark on a dark and stormy day
So he set out for Biafra to join the bloody fray.

Through 66 and seven they fought the Congo war
With their fingers on their triggers, knee-deep in gore
For days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees
They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese.

Roland the Thompson gunner
Roland the Thompson gunner

His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest
But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best
So the CIA decided they wanted Roland dead
That son of a bitch Van Owen blew off Roland's head!

Roland the headless Thompson gunner (time, time, time for another peaceful war)
Norway's greatest son (time stands still for Roland, 'til he evens up the score)
They can still see his headless body stalking through the night
In the muzzle flash of Roland's Thompson gun
In the muzzle flash of Roland's Thompson gun.

Roland searched the continent for the man who done him in
He found him in Mombasa, in a barroom drinking gin.
Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word
But he blew Van Owen's body, from there to Johannesburg

Roland the headless Thompson gunner!
Roland the headless Thompson gunner!
Roland the headless Thompson gunner (talking about the man)
Roland the headless Thompson gunner!

The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night,
Now it's ten years later, but he still keeps up the fight.
In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine and Berkeley...
Patty Hearst heard the burst of Roland's Thompson gun and bought it!"

[B1G JIM SLADE]

While on his way to Church, as is his custom, Big Jim pokes his head inside the bar and shouts "Go To Church You Heathens!", then happily continues on his way.

[B1G JIM SLADE]

Jim walks over to Murray and asks him a question.

"Say boss, what you think about this grilled cheese thing about to go to vote? I'm leanin' towards votin' against it myself, but wanted to see what you think first."

[Murray the Evil Skull]

Jim walks over to Murray and asks him a question.

"Say boss, what you think about this grilled cheese thing about to go to vote? I'm leanin' towards votin' against it myself, but wanted to see what you think first."

Its absolute drek, Mortal. I'm hoping it fails in epic fashion. Its pure rubbish and nonsense that would have been deleted before it even made it to quorum years ago.

[B1G JIM SLADE]

Jim walks over to Murray and asks him a question.

"Say boss, what you think about this grilled cheese thing about to go to vote? I'm leanin' towards votin' against it myself, but wanted to see what you think first."

Its absolute drek, Mortal. I'm hoping it fails in epic fashion. Its pure rubbish and nonsense that would have been deleted before it even made it to quorum years ago.

“Next thing you know one of these fools gonna write a proposal in caveman language!”

[The Nameless Old Ones]

A beleaguered, disheveled, man, perhaps in his twenties, smelling of salt brine, sits at an empty width of bar, and as much mutters to himself as sings,

The bell has been raised from its watery grave,
Do you hear its sepulchral tone?
We call to all,
Pay heed the squall,
And turn your sail toward home

[Unibot III]

A beleaguered, disheveled, man, perhaps in his twenties, smelling of salt brine, sits at an empty width of bar, and as much mutters to himself as sings,

The bell has been raised from its watery grave,
Do you hear its sepulchral tone?
We call to all,
Pay heed the squall,
And turn your sail toward home

Ard Van Haldron raised an eyebrow from across the bar, humming a familiar chanty to himself while Franklin, the office cat, gobbled his cobb salad shamelessly.

“I think I recognize that tune from back home,” said Van Haldron.

Under a moon gleaming, the old sailor regals us,
Of this wreck of yore!
Its masts whisper tales untold,
Of tempests both, fierce and bold,
And dear ones wait no more

[77 Camaro]

Ard Van Haldron raised an eyebrow from across the bar, humming a familiar chanty to himself while Franklin, the office cat, gobbled his cobb salad shamelessly.

“I think I recognize that tune from back home,” said Van Haldron.

Under a moon gleaming, the old sailor regals us,
Of this wreck of yore!
Its masts whisper tales untold,
Of tempests both, fierce and bold,
And dear ones wait no more

Mickey Special hears the chanty and wakes from his years long slumber. He begins mumbling...

"It was on the good ship Venus
By Christ, ya shoulda seen us
The figurehead was a whore in bed
And the mast, a mammoth penis..."

He then takes a swig from a years old glass of rum and goes back to sleep.

[Murray the Evil Skull]

Ard Van Haldron raised an eyebrow from across the bar, humming a familiar chanty to himself while Franklin, the office cat, gobbled his cobb salad shamelessly.

“I think I recognize that tune from back home,” said Van Haldron.

Under a moon gleaming, the old sailor regals us,
Of this wreck of yore!
Its masts whisper tales untold,
Of tempests both, fierce and bold,
And dear ones wait no more

Mickey Special hears the chanty and wakes from his years long slumber. He begins mumbling...
"It was on the good ship Venus
By Christ, ya shoulda seen us
The figurehead was a whore in bed
And the mast, a mammoth penis..."

He then takes a swig from a years old glass of rum and goes back to sleep.

Murray was still sitting on the bar, this time a rather fetching Thessadorian Catgirl dressed as a saucy pirate wench was standing next to him, and about to feed him a curry. Murray looked around the bar, his eyes glowing a malevolent red, before he speaks,

So its sea shanties now, Mortals? Well I'm game...

Murray then begins to sing

"Some girls work in the marketplace,
Some girls work in stores.
My Lulu works in a dockside house
with forty other wh*res!
My Lulu had a baby,
it was her pride and joy!
She wanted to name it Lulu,
But the b*stard was a boy!

Bang away Lulu,
bang it good and strong!
What the hell will the Navy do
Now that Lulu's gone!"

[Hiriaurtung Arororugul]

Hiriaurtung Arororugul puts down his mug of kumis and speaks.

"Well, if we're doing traditional folk songs, here are my nephews Ghugtai and Turgothat singing a little thing I wrote about my recent observations of the modern GA. A traditional Aundotutunagirian throat singing piece, I call it Parade of the Midwits."

Arororugul's nephews appear, and do this.




OOC: sorry if this upsets your dogs and cats

[B1G JIM SLADE]

Big Jim peeks inside the bar and sees what's going on.

"Go to church you heathens!"

Big Jim continues on to church, humming "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot".

[Separatist Peoples]

Big Jim peeks inside the bar and sees what's going on.

"Go to church you heathens!"

Big Jim continues on to church, humming "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot".

Bell looks up from his somewhat stale drink when he hears this unusual demand.

"Quit bothering God on his day off you absolute Karen."

[B1G JIM SLADE]

Big Jim peeks inside the bar and sees what's going on.

"Go to church you heathens!"

Big Jim continues on to church, humming "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot".

Bell looks up from his somewhat stale drink when he hears this unusual demand.

"Quit bothering God on his day off you absolute Karen."

"Unusual? Man I holler that in here every Sunday. And did you know I'm a mind reader? Let me buy you a fresh drink."


OOC: posting in a hurry and not paying attention. I had him respond to the line where you were thinking instead of the line where you were speaking.

[B1G JIM SLADE]

Big Jim, in a jubilant mood, goes over and rummages through the cassettes. Once he finds what he's looking for he pops it into the karaoke machine, hits a few buttons, and speaks.

"Hope y'all can bear with me tonight. My falsetto ain't all that great, but I'm gonna give it a try."

The music starts

"Say, it's all right
Say, it's all right
It's all right, have a good time
'Cause it's all right, whoa, it's all right

We're gonna move it slow, when lights are low
When you move it slow, it sounds like more
And it's all right, whoa, it's all right

Now, listen to the beat, kinda pat your feet
You got soul and everybody knows
That it's all right, whoa, it's all right

When you wake up early in the mornin'
Feelin' sad like so many of us do
Hum a little soul, make life your goal
And surely something's got to come to you

And say, it's all right
Say, it's all right
It's all right, have a good time
'Cause it's all right, whoa, it's all right

Now, everybody, clap your hands
Give yourself a chance
You got soul and everybody knows
That it's all right, whoa, it's all right

Someday, I'll find me a woman
Who will love and treat me real nice
Then my woe's got to go
And my love she will know
From morning, noon and night

And she's got to say, it's all right
Say, it's all right
It's all right, have a good time
'Cause it's all right, whoa, it's all right

Everybody clap your hands
Now, give yourself a chance
You got soul, and everybody know
That it's all right"

[B1G JIM SLADE]

Big Jim, accompanied by his wife and children, is on his way to the World Assembly Memorial Chapel to hear the preaching of Reverend Lyndon Love. Passing by the Strangers Bar, he opens the door and shouts...

"Go to Church you heathens!"

....then the family happily continues on their way, anticipating an exciting and inspirational service.

[Simone Republic]

The Milky white bear turns up with his own Acme time travelling machine. All the other assistants, human and ursine, also snap over from the office.

"How's the barbecue?" The Milky white bear grabs a drink. "Where's the HP source? And A1 source. And Dijon mustard."

"We have a few buckets coming in a few minutes."

"Ok. Did you read that I am now the Minister for the Statistics Agency as well as Minister of World Assembly Affairs? The Right Honorable Milky Way the Splendid..."

"Yes we know your full name. And we saw that news on our tablets. Congratulations."

"Thanks. Anyway how did the WA think of my current resolution at vote? You know, I edited the name of the body to Principal Directorate of Administrative Affairs."

"Didn't Wellesley from Imperium Anglorum tell us to change it? "

"Well, he did, but I came up with the new name." The bear grabs a grilled salmon and starts to apply lemon juice." What did the other delegations think?"

"Let me select a few quotes." A human assistant says. "These are actual quotes:"

'Terrible'.

'Atrocious'.

'A pathetic excuse for the Yes Minister parody of the Department of Administrative Affairs'.

'A lousy joke about R vs Python in the Academic Senate'.

'An inescapable vortex of doom of micromanagement'.

"Wait," the bear says, "isn't the last one about food labelling laws?"

"We haven't resubmitted that one yet."

"Oh, ok, anyway. Good work." The bear turns around and says, grabbing a grilled kangaroo before it leaves. "I'd be at the Simone Republic Executive Secretariat at Mona. You folks sort out the rest. Any questions, buzz me." It turns around and leaves on its Acme time travelling machine.

The assistants head back to the office to play games.

[Simone Republic]

A couple of human assistants from Simone Republic sneak back to the bar for some cocktails.

“Gosh, how come it’s all hard liquor and Australian wine at the Simone Republic office?”

“I think we bought several Olympic sized swimming pools worth of Australian wine.”

“We really should hire a bartender.”

“But do you want to drink at the office though? They have a video feed back to the Ministry.”

“Not in Milky’s room.”

“Well, true… anyway, Neville - two Long Island ice tea please…”

Meanwhile, outside the Strangers Bar, an army of headless gnomes holding their heads float by. Their legs don’t touch the ground.

“What the hell are those?” One assistant chokes on the Long Island ice tea.

“Some of the Gnomes who went through Catherine Gratwick's Gnome Guillotine™️ yet survived due to their immortality. This dates back from Gratwick's own Reign of Terror ™️ - maybe 15 years ago I think.”

“Earth years?”

“Yeah.”

“But what are they here for anyway?”

“They’ve been shipped in on the Acme time machine as stand-ins.”

“For what?”

“For that legality challenge we filed over whether headless gnomes can serve in the IPF.”

At this point the songs get started by the gnomes:


"How members are chosen is up to us"
"It's not for the GA to just tell us"

"And Cathy G says "off with your heads!"
"But here we are cos we can't be dead"

"We can't go on Cathy's new warfare
cos they want us to wear headwear"

"We want GA to give the go-ahead"
"To join IPF though we don't have heads"




The orchestra with several ursine assistants in tow walks by.

“What?!?!”

“Yeah, that’s essentially the challenge we filed.”

“I thought it was an April Fool’s Day joke.”

“Yes, but we plan to re-use that same joke for Halloween this year as well.”

“Whose idea was it?”

“Upstairs. Simone Republic has a very absurdist sense of humour, as you know. But anyway it’s about something about forced RP in the GA and the rule about ‘how members are chosen’ or something.”

“And we got all these headless gnomes in?”

“Yeah.”

“We really have the budget for a high cost production, don’t we? I mean, the gnomes look a bit too tall to be actual gnomes, it's like we had costumes that look like headless gnomes worn by humans...”

“Yeah, there’s special effects and all that. Choreographers for the dance of the Survivors of Catherine Gratwick's Gnome Guillotine™️ . Make-up. Directors. Costumes. Rehearsals. A full orchestra. Some pretty expensive stuff. And our lyrics rhyme this year, unlike SC#482.”

"482 kind of rhymed, if you don't mind the fact that we had to fit so many RP references into that thing."

"Yeah, it's still quite hated."

“Anyway, our Ministry really has the budget.”

“Yeah, well, Simone Republic is quite rich. And we are cultured, so to speak.”

"Really depends on your definition of 'culture'", the assistant gestures with quotation marks.

“Well, pays my mortgage.”

“Pays my student loans too.”

[Simone Republic]

The headless gnomes float back to the Strangers Bar and board the Acme time travel machines.

Two human assistants resume their drinks.

"So they are heading back?"

"Well, we kinda won that legality challenge anyway, as [2023] GAS 6. Gnomes are mythical creatures."

"Are we getting them again for Halloween?"

"Think so, yeah."

"They're quite cute actually, if you get used to them holding their heads in their hands."

"Well, the costume designers were quite good."

"Anyway, let's have another cocktail before that fat **** comes back."