The World Assembly Strangers' Bar

[Herby]

Two bowls of cream in one day was a jackpot! "Was it because you's so talky?" he asked.

Ehhh what? Okay yeah I know I can get chatty but naw, it was more ehhhh I dunno, just bein’ stuck there with his family, his wife, his rugrat grandkid, it was nuts, just nuts.

Ya know, Chief, it started out okay, see he had this video that Icky gave him, Chickie Tam it was called, and it.... was.... Hill.....LARious! Oh man I couldn’t stop laughin’, those Essu Betians they know how ta do satire, like, they make fun of everybody an’ everything, from women to woman haters, and these racist caricatures that are so over the top it’s like, it was meta, so meta, like like like okay like South Park cubed if you get my meanin’. Anyways we watched a couple o’ episodes, an’ after that...... after that..... ehhhhhh yeah that’s when things got weird.

[Essu Beti]

“Hey!” Iksana calls out. “Blame Creatan for that garbage, not us; we weren’t even a nation when that was produced!”

[Imperial Polk County]

Drane looks up to see who Iksana is barking at. When he notices Herby across the bar, he furrows his brow, and lowers his voice. "Pay no attention to her. Anyway, where was I. Yes. So. That's about the time my kids came over to the house, and my granddaughter, she looked so cute in her little red and green dress, and a white bow in her hair, from wrapping presents that morning. And when she saw Herby, she was instantly infatuated with a talking car that reminded her of... some cartoon character, I don't know which. So she slowly approached her and went to give her a hug on a tire, just to say hello, and that nincompoop jalopy lurches forward, and down goes the baby."

[Herby]

...So the little kid comes in, starts callin’ me Bug Bug, which ehhhhh yeah okay that was pretty cute, until she got near me and I could catch the ehhhh the stifling aroma of people poo. Okay okay look I get it with you mammals, your shit stinks, that’s fine but ehhhh I don’t get why these little tykes start out with no control. I mean ehhhh in my species if we were that leaky right off the assembly line that’s a quality control problem, we don’t start leakin’ ‘til we’re older. So ehhhh anyway this smelly little child, hands covered in ehhhh who knows what, mebbe it’s grape jelly or mebbe it’s coal tar, tries to wipe it off on my newly polished rims, so I back away a bit, and she tumbles right over onto her soggy diaper.

Splorsh.

It was pretty funny at first, just the sound of it, so ehhhh o’ course I let out a giggle but ehhhhhh.......

[New Vragoltinus]

"Y'know, I've been wondering. What is gravity? Why does it exist? Why when a thing gets more dense does it attract things to it? Why does anything work like it does? Anybody had one of those days? Like wondering why it all goes about? Maybe there's a God of some kind. Maybe it happened at random. Who knows. But what I know, is that rules like gravity were meant to be broken y'know? Or semi-broken, but what matters. Is that during this whole rant of mine, nobody has noticed that I'm currently standing on the roof."

Indeed it was true, that he had by someway, possibly clamped his feet to the roof of the room and was just sort of standing there.

[Dirty Americans]

"Y'know, I've been wondering. What is gravity? Why does it exist?..."

Bill's eyes suddenly lit up. It seemed that for a moment the world was ready for one of his great scientific diatribes that he was recently known for. Not even global warming could compare to the power of the force of gravity. With a firm conviction, and the possibility of another breathtaking performance he rose from his chair and ...

"Oh shut up," Rosie suddenly exclaimed, from her seat, to Bill.

"But I didn't say anything," Bill replied.

"Good," Rosie replied. "Sit down and keep it that way."

"Yes dear," Bill said as he timidly sat back down.

"Damn, your good," Michelle said to Rosie.

"You have to know how to control your 'guests,'" Rosie insisted.

John Henry, fresh from making his latest revision to some proposal to put shrubs around every farm, enters the bar. "So what were you just talking about?"

"Bill here," Rosie replied, "wanted to do some lengthy lecture on gravity."

"Oh," John replied. "You mean the only known force in the universe that can cause other people to be attracted to you."

"Shut up," Rosie replied.

[Imperial Polk County]

Drane looks towards Iksana, who seems to have lost interest in the story; yet, he goes on, if not to the Essu Betian then to no one in particular. "So my wife, who, let's face it, had to be convinced that we should allow a car in our living room in the first place, picks up the baby and soothes her, then politely asks Herby if she'd be more comfortable in the driveway while the baby was out and about, since, you know, Volkswagen Beetles are hardly baby-proof. But Herby, I can tell, is quite hurt by the suggestion, so I take her aside into the garage, and let her know that, you know, my wife is one of those overprotective grandmothers, you know, every electrical outlet covered, even those five feet off the floor, a gate at the bottom of the stairs, and piles of blankets a foot deep surrounding the crib, so I try to explain all this to Herby, but...."

[Herby]

.......Okay so Q-Bert takes me out into the garage, where it’s all hot an’ stuffy ‘cuz apparently they don’t air-condition garages in Florida — you believe that crap? You know what that stale humidity does to us? Anyway so he tries to explain to me why his wife is bein’ such a bitch and I’m like no no no no Q-Bert, how would you like it if I invited you over to my house then said sorry but we don’t let your kind sit under the sunport, that’s just for cars, you gotta go sit over there in the sun, that seem right to you? And he’s like okay okay I can tell he’s stuck between a rock and a pothole, cuz he agrees with me but ya know his wife is queen o’ the castle so ehhhhh okay so he sez he’ll go inside to talk to her so I sit there an’ wait. An’ wait. An’ wait. An’.......

[Essu Beti]

Iksana may look like he's just sorting objects into piles, but he's listening all right. He's just not commenting on it right now.

[WA Kitty Kops]

so I sit there an’ wait. An’ wait. An’ wait. An’.......

The Chief Inshpekshuuner, having finished his cream, hopped down from the bar counter and then hopped up onto the car's hood, settled down comfortably and started to purr. He could tell that Herby was unhappy, and contrary to common belief, cat's don't purr just when they're happy; they also purr when they're trying to comfort someone, whether that someone is themselves or a talking car with baby issues.

[The South Falls]

"Hey." A short, cold man would walk in the doors of the bar. This was Stanford Brassington, the South Fallsian WA mission leader. "Hello, everybody." "I just got a SFD3,000 pay bonus, and drinks, or comfort for the talking car over there, are all on me." He plunked the 3,000 on the bar table.

[Allied Sapients]

The door to the bar opens and in walks what appears to be a bobcat-sized, feathery lion wearing a respirator and a pair of saddlebags. It walks up to Ambassador Olsh, gives her a friendly huff in greeting, then climbs up into a seat at the bar next to Stanford Brassington. "I'll have whatever you have that has methanol in it," they say to the bartender.

[Dolor Mortis]

Walking into this "bar" of some sort, Ambassador James Earl Jones was out of his league. The myriad of characters and other-worldly beings was interesting... to say the least. He walks up to the bartender amd orders a 50/50 Mt. Dew Orange Fanta combo. Sitting between Olsh and another stranger, Jones turns to alien and says, "well... life has to exist and yet, my philosophical existentialism and interpersonal suicides are the stuff of legends. How do you do?"

[Allied Sapients]

Ambassador Olsh keeps a careful eye on the feathery lion alien even as she tilts her head in Ambassador Jones' direction. "I am doing well, thank you for asking; I have found a way to both enjoy myself and perform my primary duty at the same time, and there can be nothing better in this life than that. I hope you are equally well. Are you a philosopher as well as an ambassador?"

[Dolor Mortis]

"Not in the classical sense. You see, unintentional social isolation in my childhood has made me turn my mind to two things: faith and science." He sighs, and orders a drink of stringer substance. "I could go on and on about the uncertainty of electron orbital positions as they relate to the cloud, the smallest distance known, and Quantum Entanglement; yet you throw me into a room full of people my age and I balk." He takes a pauses to take a drink. "My high intelligence and complete ignorance of these "memes" and "social clues" has me feeling isolated on an intellectual level."

[Allied Sapients]

"Not in the classical sense. You see, unintentional social isolation in my childhood has made me turn my mind to two things: faith and science." He sighs, and orders a drink of stringer substance. "I could go on and on about the uncertainty of electron orbital positions as they relate to the cloud, the smallest distance known, and Quantum Entanglement; yet you throw me into a room full of people my age and I balk." He takes a pauses to take a drink. "My high intelligence and complete ignorance of these "memes" and "social clues" has me feeling isolated on an intellectual level."

Ambassador Olsh raps her fingers on the counter. "While I was trained for human interaction, I do not have the same natural instincts that humans would have, so I may be mistaken in this. Why don't you correct your unsocialization with controlled social interaction? Perhaps in a small group of two or three people? Is that possible for adults, or only juveniles?"

[Dolor Mortis]

"Not in the classical sense. You see, unintentional social isolation in my childhood has made me turn my mind to two things: faith and science." He sighs, and orders a drink of stringer substance. "I could go on and on about the uncertainty of electron orbital positions as they relate to the cloud, the smallest distance known, and Quantum Entanglement; yet you throw me into a room full of people my age and I balk." He takes a pauses to take a drink. "My high intelligence and complete ignorance of these "memes" and "social clues" has me feeling isolated on an intellectual level."

Ambassador Olsh raps her fingers on the counter. "While I was trained for human interaction, I do not have the same natural instincts that humans would have, so I may be mistaken in this. Why don't you correct your unsocialization with controlled social interaction? Perhaps in a small group of two or three people? Is that possible for adults, or only juveniles?"

"That is why I have come here, to make some friends." James smiles.

[Imperial Polk County]

Ambassador Olsh raps her fingers on the counter.

Ambassador Drane is jarred awake. As he slowly lifts his head from the counter, he notices a line of spittle running from his cheek to the bar. He quickly grabs a napkin and wipes his cheek. That's when he notices the splitting headache. "Oof. Neville, how long have I been out?"

[States of Glory WA Office]

A familiar figure enters the Bar, wearing sunglasses, an Aloha shirt, red boxer shorts and brown sandals, and carrying a briefcase.

Fairburn: Ah, it sure feels great to be back! What'd I miss?

[Dolor Mortis]

"Just an existential crisis and their merits in societal interpersonal relationships." says Jones looking at the strange man with an Aloha shirt. "Welcome, Ambassador Fairburn."

[States of Glory WA Office]

"Just an existential crisis and their merits in societal interpersonal relationships." says Jones looking at the strange man with an Aloha shirt. "Welcome, Ambassador Fairburn."

Fairburn: Do I know you?

Neville: They must have joined while we were away. Welcome!

[Dolor Mortis]

"Thanks for the intro, Neville." Jones says earnestly. He sits next to Fairburn. "Hello, I am Ambassador, James E. Jones, of Dolor Mortis. I am here to have fun and meet new people."

[Imperial Polk County]

"Can you two not whisper so loudly?" Drane croaks as he fumbles around in his satchel for his sunglasses. "Neville, a glass of water, please. No, I don't want 'the hair of the dog that bit me', thank you."

[Allied Sapients]

"Here, will my drink help?" called the feathered lion across the bar. "I tasted it, and it is ethanol, not methanol. Maybe your biology can tolerate it better than mine can."

[Dolor Mortis]

"If that's pure ethanol, then perhaps. But giving that to a human will cause some problems."