World Cup 53 RP Thread

[Alasdair I Frosticus]

Dear Lord Jagged of Caneria,

Congratulations on captaining the team to World Cup qualification, though - quite frankly - many football supporters here are a little disquieted at the Holy Empire's four losses in qualification, including managing to lose 5-4, at home, to Jasiyun in the final qualification match after taking a 4-0 first half lead. Are you quite sure Lord Mongrove is an adequate goalkeeper?

Either way, play like that in the finals, and you'll be lucky to get out of the first round.

But that's not why we're writing.

What we're writing about is the pantochronometer, and specifically the side-effects of your research so far. Over the course of the World Cup qualifiers, you have:

A) Caused the entire team from the Ursine Northlands to temporarily disappear from all realities.

B) Caused the Holy Empire to lose a game against Polythinia that we never even played.

C) Caused the Holy Empire-Tyrrin return match to be called off after you warped reality around the Imperial Hippodrome.

This must cease. Immediately.

Our informal and unwritten sporting contract with Ordinary Reality means that we never use the nature of the Dreamed Realm to change football results. To do so would reveal our potential power over the mundies, and cause us to be kicked out of the tournament. More to the point, it would breach the Basileus' instruction that we must - wherever possible - avoid interfering in Ordinary Reality. We observe, but never interfere.

You have now interfered three times. Fortunately, few have noticed so far (though the Ursine Northlands realised that something had happened). This is three times too many. Further interference will not be tolerated, and may have serious consequences for your and your team.

We know what the pantochronometer is for, and we know what you intend to use it for. We have no objection to exploration, and are even prepared to help you synchronise it to your DNA so that you alone can use it.

But no more interference with the mundies, or you will face consequences.

We cannot, under any circumstances, face a repeat of the Aztec Incident - and we are quite prepared to kill to preempt the possibility.

Yours,

The Imperial Secretariat of the Purple Inkwell

[Milchama]

"So the World Cup is over"

"Oh great"

"Yep"

"And how did we do?"

"6th place in our group with a +2 goal difference"

"How did we do so bad?"

"8 draws in 18 games"

"That's too many"

"Yep"

"How many wins?"

"Only 5 and 5 losses as well"

"That's just depressing"

"Oh yes it is"

"Well at least we have the CoH right?"

"Yep"

"That's good"

"Very good we can gain experience for our young team and probably do a lot better the next time"

"Oh yeah absolutely"

"100%"

"So then when is the CoH coming?"

"No idea"

"That's good"

"Yep"

"Go Cubs!"

"Something like that"

"Do you think we'll ever qualify again?"

"Yeah we will, don't you worry. Soon we will be better than we ever were. We're not going to become the next Rejistania!"

"Ok then"

"Come on You Warriors!"

"Come on You Warriors!"

[Somewhereistonia]

Official Somewhereistonian Stadium Listing; World Cup 53.

With the Finals For World Cup 53 just around the corner - a full list of stadiums to be used and each game to be played in each stadium is to take place. We decided that the best way to start would be with a snazzy map.



So, we have 10 stadiums for a total of 32 games. Groups E-H will be held in Somewhereistonia, with the preceding four groups to be held in Pasarga.

Stadiums for Group E
Spektakl-3-Arena (National Stadium) [85,100] [1v4; 3v1; 3v4]
Viella Stadium (Home of ISC Rig) [57,000] [2v3; 2v4; 1v2]

Stadiums for Group F
Metall Staadion (Home of Metalurgs) [65,000] [1v4; 3v1; 3v4]
Dynami Arena (Home of Dinamo Karrakiv) [57,000] [2v3; 2v4; 1v2]

Stadiums for Group G
Atlantic Staadion (Home of Atlantas Klaipaada) [75,000] [1v4; 3v1; 3v4]
Ventspils Staadion (Home of Ventspils Redwings and Ventspils Bluewings) [68,000] [2v3; 2v4; 1v2]

Stadiums for Group H
Dežnëv Staadion (Home of Vaska FK) [90,000] [1v4; 3v1; 3v4]
Värske Kuressaare Staadion (Home of Tammeka Kuressaare) [60,000] [2v3; 2v4; 1v2]

Round of 16 Stadiums
R16 Match 5: Dežnëv Staadion (Home of Vaska FK) [90,000] [E1 v F2]
R16 Match 6: Atlantic Staadion (Home of Atlantas Klaipaada) [75,000] [F1 v E2]
R16 Match 7: Spektakl-3-Arena (National Stadium) [85,100] [G1 v H2]
R16 Match 8: Liberation Staadion (Home of Volodiscow Resistance) [108,000] [H1 v G2]

Quarter-Finals Stadiums
QF 3: Spartas Staadion (Home of Qasarian Sparta) [95,000] [R16-5 v R16-8]
QF 4: Liberation Staadion (Home of Volodiscow Resistance) [108,000] [R16-6 v R16-7]

Semi Finals Stadium
SF 2: Spartas Staadion (Home of Qasarian Sparta) [95,000] [QF3 v QF4]

Final Stadium
Liberation Staadion (Home of Volodiscow Resistance) [108,000] [SF1 v SF2]

[Pasarga]

Map


Pasarga (pronounced: pah'sar'ja) is a dual island nation in the region of Rushmore located south of Nethertopia. It is known for being home to a group of Persian descendants, as well as its' unique moon shaped main isle. This island is the largest of the two and is named Pargis, while the smaller island is named Peynol. Pasarga's main industry is toy making, which has only recently developed since it emerged from isolation eight years ago. They practice Zoroastrianism as their main religion, although other religions are allowed though frowned upon. Torgos is the largest city in Pasarga, as well as being the capital. It is the economic and political hub of the nation, with nearly all important political and financial dealings taking place within the cosmopolitan city.

Football(soccer) has recently become a popular past time of the masses, with the growing success of the national team on the international stage. Numerous high-tech stadia have popped up over the last few years to accompany the growing surge of success for the sport. However some of the older stadia, predating the the emergence from isolation eight years ago, are still in use, including the Stadium of the Moon, Stadium of the Sun, and Fire Park. This mix of old and new is seen to be in perfect Harmony for the nations' first attempt at hosting a major international competition.

On a last note, while Torgos might be the poltiical power of the nation and have the most stadia, Stein-los is seen as the footballing capital of Pasarga with its' numerous clubs having won the majority of the PSL titles and with the two most advanced and high-tech stadia in the nation. Visitors and squads that make it to Stein-los will be treated with first class football fanatics and facilities, as well as the general welcoming mood that the Pasargan people possess.

Stadia
Stade de Torgos (Torgos) - 90,000
Taltron Park (Torgos) - 66,000
Silverthal (Torgos) - 60,000
Kilmonarch (Stein-los) - 72,000
Stein-Los Stadium (Stein-los) 59,000
Stilinkeep Stadium (Stilinkeep) 64,000
Telathron (Targas) 72,000
Stadium of the Sun (Belja) 56,000
Fire Park (Troubalose) 62,000
San Daros (Paulinthal) - 64,000
Myrkan Stadium (Myrkan) - 58,000
Stadium of the Moon (Lunas) - 84,000

Sections
Torgos: Stade de Torgos, Taltron Park, and Silverthal
Southshore: Kilmonarch, Stein-los Stadium, and Myrkan Stadium
Peynol: Stadium of the Moon, Stadium of the Sun, and Stilinkeep Stadium
Farshore: Telathron, San Daros, and Fire Park

Group A will be played in the Torgos Section.
Group B will be played in the Peynol Section.
Group C will be played in the Southshore Section.
Group D will be played in the Farshore Section.

Group A
MD1: (Stade de Torgos, Silverthal)
MD2: (Silverthal, Taltron Park)
MD3: (Taltron Park, Stade de Torgos)

Group B
MD1: (Stadium of the Sun, Stadium of the Moon)
MD2: (Stadium of the Moon, Stilinkeep Stadium)
MD3: (Stilinkeep Stadium, Stadium of the Sun)

Group C
MD1: (Stein-los Stadium, Myrkan Stadium)
MD2: (Kilmonarch, Myrkan Stadium)
MD3: (Kilmonarch, Stein-los Stadium)

Group D
MD1: (Telathron, San Daros)
MD2: (Fire Park, San Daros)
MD3: (Telathron, Fire Park)

[Queer Poco el Mono Ara]

Final kick in the teeth as gutless Whites fail to reach World Cup.

After a dismal World Cup Qualification campaign, group 12’s second seeds bowed out with a disappointing 2-1 defeat to the Whirl Islands. With the make or break tie set in place QPeMA needed another big win over the Islands in order to secure their place in Somewhereistonia or Pasarga but failed to deliver.

The defeat has since proved to be coach Joe Hamburgstein’s last action in charge with the Pocoan F.A terminating his contract and placing his assistant Javier Martinez in place as interim manager until a new coach can be put in place. Hamburgstein isn’t the only name White’s fans will no longer see associated with the squad as long term striker Enrico Dosenna bowed out of international duty with the consolation goal in the final game. After the match the Cafundeu based attacker stated “I have been playing for the national team for a long time, we have been to two World Cups and they are the highlights of my career. I do not want to play in the Cup of Harmony as it feels like a step backwards.” Dosenna may not be the only top player to leave the White’s international fold after the qualification debacle with a number of other players suggesting they will no longer play for the international team and want to concentrate on their club form. One player who has however pledged his future to the national team is captain Rudolpho, who at 34 is starting to show the tell tale signs of age. “I am aware the campaign hasn’t gone as planned, but I will do everything in my power to guide this team to Cup of Harmony glory and hopefully erase the nightmare that has been World Cup 53.”

The campaign has been one fraught with disappointment with the Whites succumbing to defeat to much lower ranked opposition on several occasions – including a 4-0 thumping at the hands of unknowns Tretskivucia and a 5-3 defeat to Churchma. Many fans are still bemused as to how the team performed so poorly and are searching for excuses. Mediocre match day officials, poor conditions of away pitches and burn out have all be cited as possible explanations.

It was said a long time ago by a kindly foreigner that Queer Poco el Mono Ara were the best team never to qualify for the World cup, there’s a feeling around the country that the White’s are the best team to fail to reach this world cup.

However, there is little time to reflect with the Cup of Harmony just around the corner – or as it is being referred to here in Queer Poco el Mono Ara The Cup of Gah, It’ll Have To Make Do, Cup Of Freaking Discontent.

-----

“Is that the fountain of youth?”

“No Mr. Sloan, the fountain of youth is a myth, this right here, is fact.” The Chairman thrust his arm under the running water. He had his sleeve rolled back and the flesh on show grew visibly younger.

The same could be said of Raul who had been forced to play guinea pig. He didn’t mind, the sudden surge or vitality that coursed through his veins made him feel alive, made him feel electric. It was pulsing through him as his heart pumped stronger than ever before, with each thumping beat he felt younger and younger as he sat completely bare, except for some now very transparent boxer shorts in the pouring water.

Quite how they had got here still left Mark dumfounded, they had been in the Chairman’s office at the QPeMA FA Headquarters then, they were stood before this magnificent marble sculpture of the virgin Mary. The theme of the statute was of no relevance, she was merely present for pomp, she had no ceremonial bearing, she was simply something pretty to look at as the water cascaded from above her into a 3 foot deep marble basin.

“So what magic is this?”

The chairman laughed, there was no such thing as magic, only the heathens of Pays de Horreur believed in such nonsense.

“This isn’t magic Mr. Sloan, there are no smoke and mirrors here, no inconceivable tricks which require belief as much as they do imagination, no, here there is just simple fact.”

“Fact?”

“Fact. The liquid which so freely flows from the fountain above this magnificent statute has the capability to restore a man’s youth.”

“It is some miracle then? A work of God?”

“God? God has no place here, beside the visage of the blessed Mary, God’s power is not on show here. The liquid which so freely flows from the fountain above this magnificent statute has the capability to restore a man’s youth.”

“How?”

“We do not know, we do not care to know, we just know that it does. You can search for any answer you wish – God’s work, magic, some form of radiation in the water.”

On hearing that Mark backed away from the basin, he had been watching the ripples of water as Raul lathered himself in it. How gently they lapped the sides of the marble without ever leaving the basin, no speck of water could be seen on the surrounding area. It was peculiar, as if the water physically did not want to leave the area. Raul splashed harder and a larger ripple of water lashed at the side, but gently fell back into the basin, curling back upon itself.

“Mr. Sloan, this is a one time offer, should you refuse the position as manager of the national football team, you will not be permitted use of the fountain.”

Mark had seen enough, he slowly began to strip, gently kicking off his shoes, he could feel the cold floor through his socks and suddenly found himself dreading the idea that the water may be cold. He couldn’t possibly bare it if the water was cold… and how would he dry off? This wasn’t the time for sensible questions he told himself, gingerly dipping the big toe of his right foot in the water. But before he could delve any further into the mysterious water the Chairman had hold of his shoulder.

“There is still one thing Mr. Sloan.” He held out the contract and a pen with his free hand.

“Fine” said Sloan quickly scrawling his name on the dotted line as he felt the effect of the water around his foot. It was pulsing, almost as if the water was alive.

[Cosumar]

Cosumar Sports Digest
Dragons fail to qualify...again

For the third consecutive World Cup, the Cosumar Dragons have failed to earn one of the top two spots in their group and advance. With an experienced team that came very close to qualifying in World Cup 52, many fans had a hunch that this would be the Cup where the Dragons emerged as an elite football nation. However, with teams like Rejistania, Babbage Islands, and Bears Armed in your group that can be a difficult feat to accomplish. For the 53rd World Cup, which I'm sure all of you have been following avidly, the Dragons placed 5th in the group for the second consecutive year. For a team that placed 9th in their debut two cups ago, this is not poor progress at all. In fact, there has been remarkable improvement for the squad, despite the same overall result as last time. Defeats at the hands of superpowers such as Babbage Islands and Sarzonia, while thrashings last Cup, were well played narrow losses for this Cup. This was the current roster' second Cup together and is quite obvious they are growing more comfortable playing with each other and are bonding as a group. Led by players like Irvinn Rincon and Jakk Klyde, it is apparent that the Dragons have evolved from a group of highly talented individuals to a single body of teamwork and skill.

"Yes, our team's chemistry and confidence has grown since our first Cup and even the last Cup. We all know each other's weaknesses and strengths and guide each other as we improve and become better players. We have made significant improvement from each Cup to the next and are confident that the World Cup 54 could be the one we sneak in and suprise some people" Team Captain Irvinn Rincon said.

Manager Dunsk also had a few words to say about World Cup 53 and the team in general.

"Yes, we got 5th in our group, we were consistantly outplayed by Bears Armed and Babbage Islands as well as Novikov and Rejistania. We played them well but it wasn't enough. This is the closest we've ever gotten to qualifying and I'm sure the progression will continue at its current rate in future World Cups. I was very pleased by the play of FW Varshney and DF Hair especially and the roster in general, I do not plan on making any changes before World Cup 54 begins."

Indeed, sign ups for World Cup 54 opened earlier this week and the Dragons are already among those listed to participate. Manager Dunsk will be sure to have another excellent team put together in time to compete and this time, qualify for a World Cup. Be sure to go to dragonsfootball.cos for more information, and remember, Go Dragons!


Standout defender Thomas Hair in a match against Novikov

[Bostopia]

Emperor Boston opened his pad of paper and picked up a biro, filled with green ink. Pressing the nib to the open page, he tried writing a letter to various heads of state, informing them of what was going on in Bostopia lately, as he tends to do every few years. Strangely enough, he usually did it when Bostopia had a football match, though mentioned the games themselves less and less with each year.

The Emperor though was distracted – he was between listening to music, paying attention to his computer and attempting to figure out what to say – not to mention the everpresent throbbing in his mind that was regrets of words unsaid and deeds uncommited. His mind needed clearing.

He noted the beers in the fridge did too.

---Olisfeld, Mannfield State---

Groat looked around the square as the Dino-Tanks seemed to shut themselves off, or at least the whirring noise that had been eminating from inside of them stopped. Most of the Olisfeldiens hadn't paid much attention to the Dino-Tanks in the first place, likely due to having lived in Bostopia for so long, causing them to being quite used to odd things by now. A few people had glanced at Groat, mainly to hand him "cooler" clothes, though some handed him self-produced CDs, claiming it would be the next big thing.

Groat later learnt this music would mainly come to use from keeping people the hell away from his room when he and his girl were having a private moment. Unfortunately, his new Lance Corporal – who also happened to be New Fentonish - had once burst into the room blind drunk, wearing nothing but a loincloth made from bark while waving a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle in the air, demanding to know what the track was.

The Corporal, however, was polite, telling Groat he would wait until he and his girlfriend were finished before taking the CD. Amazingly, that hadn't been the most awkward fifteen minutes of his life, as Groat had once accidentally enquired to a Krytenian what colour shirt he thought would be best if he wanted to be noticed.

Groat looked around and got his surroundings. There was a statue of a donkey in the town centre, probably symbolising Bostopia and Oliverry's friendship with Sorthern Northland. Groat was pleased to see the statue hadn't been defaced at all. To the south-west of the town was some very well defended cliffs, with what looked like night-watchmens posts dotted around. Why the Olisfeldiens would feel the need to defend cliffs so rigorously was beyond Groat, but he wasn't going to start critisising.

The old town hall was still there, built by the Bostopians when the Olisfeldiens originally settled here, so Groat took it upon himself to wander inside. The sandstone building, which looked well maintained and in use, loomed over the town square, though Groat didn't think placing the rear-end of the donkey facing the doors of the town hall wasn't in the best taste.

"Êtes-vous Bostopien?" an accented voice called, half unaware of what to make of the man who had just wandered into the old building.

"Urm... oui. Je suis un soldat Bostopien." Groat replied, not sure whether his service revolver was about to come in very handy.

"Soldat?" The response came, now definately unaware of what to make of Groat. "I must make haste and consult my peers. Wait 'ere!"

Groat looked around, listening to the quickening footsteps of the man he had just spoken to become less and less audible as the vibrations dissipated into the carpet and stone upon which it was laid.

[Somewhereistonia]

The Draw - World Cup 53 Finals

The Draw has just concluded in the Conference Room of Spektakl-3-Arena here in Qasarian, we can reveal the results now (if you didn't send any delegates or watch the show live).

Groups:

Group A
Pasarga (36)
Rejistania (53)
Jeru FC (9)
West Zirconia (19)

Group B
Capitalizt SLANI (33)
Pays de Horreur (8)
Sorthern Northland (4)
Albundania (29)

Group C
Kelssek (21)
Nethertopia (6)
Delaclava (11)
Tarrentum (56)

Group D
Bostopia (25)
Valanora (1)
Andossa Se Mitrin Vega (37)
Krytenia (14)

Group E
Aguazul (13)
Bears Armed (31)
The Archregimancy (28)
Somewhereistonia (45)

Group F
Kulverint (40)
The Babbage Islands (3)
The Holy Empire (10)
Starblaydia (17)

Group G
Jeruselem (22)
Cassadaigua (2)
Dorian and Sonya (39)
Sarzonia (7)

Group H
The Han Empire (5)
Cafundéu (12)
Tretskivucia (58)
Valladares (24)

As a reminder, Groups A-D will be in Pasarga [scorinated by Somewhereistonia], Groups E-H will be in Somewhereistonia [scorinated by Pasarga/ESF].

That is all,

Kukas Rüütel, Chair of BSA

OOC: Matchday 1 will be on Saturday at around 00:00 UTC.

[Aguazul]

Alvaro would have said that it couldn't have been better.

Alvaro would have had a point. There were Aguazul, just thirteenth in the world and yet, somehow, the best team in the group. They had the Archregimancy to face; they'd been crushed the last time around, yes, but things had changed. So much changed.

They had the...the third seeds. Or fourth seeds. The team they faced on the last matchday (of the group stage). They...had also defeated Aguazul in their last meeting. Also five to two. Well, maybe things weren't so great. But they'd drawn, before that...

And they had the Eagles. Hosts, in the first pot. Alvaro would have said they'd gotten lucky. Alvaro probably was saying they'd gotten lucky in an interview somewhere.

Which, of course, they had. Gerardo didn't deny any of it. He just didn't get excited the same way other people did.

Alvaro wouldn't necessarily have noticed the way Gunsedal practiced, there in Qasarian. Practiced, with Coach Sortani glaring at him and yelling him on. Was urged to work, never something he'd liked, but something he'd been at least used to before. Before atrophying. It wasn't that he didn't have the talent, he was still contributing to the team, but he needed to get back in shape before the finals.

Maybe Alvaro wouldn't have noticed Bruno, either. On the phone with his agent so often; frenetic one moment and jubilant the next and uncertain all the moments in between. Bruno, at least, had left Mapabore on good terms and could return there if they had money and a way to fit him in across from Noé. The same could not be said for Gunsedal and Ciruelas.

What was he supposed to do? It wasn't like he could say "hey, guys, remember the Vahala Invitational"? Even had he said it in Spanish, the answers he would have gotten would have been on the order of "yeah, I only got my big transfer break there" and "of course, there was just that little matter of a handball".

Maybe not. Gunsedal would be the type to just write it off. Wherever he went, he'd be fine. They were all there now, all practicing, all excited. Hopeful for the tournament ahead, just like all the fans back in Aguazul. It was just Gerardo who worried.

It had been there he had convinced himself that the beauty of the game was all that could matter. Why didn't that same logic work anymore?

Because last time it was about what we've lost. This time it's about what we've done.

And if the game really was everything, what was the point in leading his own "nation"'s team? Weren't the fans of Somewhereistonia, the Archregimancy, even Bears Armed just as hopeful? Just as desperate for success? What right did he have to get in that way?

Emilio, though bitter himself, had tried so hard to protect Gerardo. He couldn't let that be in vain. Where is the guy when you need him?

Unbeknownst to Gerardo, at that very moment (or at least a moment not dissimilar to that one), almost dead south of the practice field Gerardo was on, Emilio was huddling in the rain, irked in multiple senses.

The nice thing about scouting a benchwarmer in the fourth division of an association ranked 21st and dropping in the UICA sheets was that you had no competition. The downsides were that benchwarmers were on the bench, and really, nothing in the stadium was warm.

[Tarrentum]

[OOC: posting on an iPod Forgive the punctuation]

From the Tarrentian newswires comes word that the Tarrentian National Squad, led by Manager Dlartanina, stunned the football world and has advanced to the Qualifying Round of World Cup 53. The squad, who has been performing mediocre in this last week, dropped their last match against Bergnovinaia 2-0. Daestegwen Dlartanina said to a Sarzonian reporter that she was "as unimpressed as the lightning bug is to a full moon" with her team's recent performance.

However the thrill of advancing for the first time in the World Cup was not lost on the Falcons and they celebrated, albeit subduedly, on the pitch after the match. The response from the Tarrentian media and football enthusiasts was unabashed joy. with the World Baseball Classic rumored to be starting soon, the nation is preparing itself for some exciting athletic times.

[Jeruselem]

Jeruselem Government News

Mixed fortunes for Jeruselem World Cup 53 teams at the draw

The World Cup 52 finals draw brought different reactions from our teams. Jeru FC got themselves an easy group but Jeruselem copped two top 10 ranked teams.

Jeru FC were placed in Group A with one of hosts Pasarga, fellow Great Prussians Rejistania and West Zirconia. Jeru FC is only team seeded in the top 10 here and they really can't complain too much considering the other teams are ranked 19, 36 and 53.

Jeruselem copped strangely female but brutal group. 2nd seed former World Cup champs Cassadaigua and 7th seeded Sarzonia head the group joined by 39th seed Dorian and Sonya. It is a funny group with the best all-female team from Cassadaigua and their all pinky flag. Dorian and Sonya are a team of female elves in bikinis. Jeruselem's team is half-female but unlike other two female teams - our girls aren't known for their good behaviour or wearing clothes in the bedroom. Sarzonia must be wondering how they have to play a whole lot of girls. This group would be a dream for our Jeru FC team in terms of hot female talent.

There was a raft of complaints from Jeruselem management considering Group G was only group with two top 10 teams but Jeru FC boys were happy and got really drunk later. Watching Group G games will prove a little hard as Jeruselem wear pink and blue - with the Cassadaigua and D&S team strips being rather pink - so they'd be using their alternative strips if needed. No issues with Sarzonia as they are in blue and whites.

If Bears Armed was in this group instead of Sarzonia, it'd a Women's World Cup 52 group. Well, we'd like that as them Bear Belles are only ranked 31. Needless to say, guys would be excited about Group G. G for GIRL POWER. The crowds will be a sea of pink for the girl/girl games or pink and blue if Sarzonia is playing.

Princess Helena Troi Dallas is now walking again but is no state to play football as she's still a bit stiff in the knee and can't get proper movement. The team mamagement say they won't risk her unless they really need to. Dallas girls are not known for having the best knees in the business and take a while to recover.

Group A
Pasarga (36)
Rejistania (53)
Jeru FC (9)
West Zirconia (19)

Group G
Jeruselem (22)
Cassadaigua (2)
Dorian and Sonya (39)
Sarzonia (7)

[Sarzonia]

Some might call Group G, the World Cup qualifying group that Sarzonia has been assigned to, the Group of Death. In Sarzonian parlance, another term often used for such a group is El Grupo de Muerte, or the Spanish term for Group of Death.

With two of the teams being all-female, or at least predominantly female, with Cassadaigua having a reserve player who happens to be male, it has also been called the Girl Power Group. In fact, all four teams have women with significant roles on their respective teams. Sarzonia's team is the only one which is predominantly male, but several Stars players are female.

"It's not something we really think about," said team captain and forward Matt Lynch. "Cassadaigua are two-time World Cup champions and are number two in the world. That weighs much more on our minds than the gender of the people we play against."

Sarzonia's previous experience against Cassadaigua happened during the World Cup 49 quarterfinals, as Sarzonia escaped with a 4-3 victory in penalties after regulation and extra time ended 2-2. That match was better known for the tribute both teams paid to fallen Babbagian footballing heroes.

Jeruselem comes in ranked 22nd and has a recent history with the Stars, having faced Sarzonia during the World Cup 48 group stage. Sarzonia played to a goalless draw and eliminated Jeruselem thanks to a 1-0 victory over the Stars' longtime nemesis Starblaydia.

"Jeruselem have shown themselves to be a consistently difficult side," manager Franz Braddock said. "We know they're rather ... unconventional outside the stadium, but inside the lines, we have our work cut out for us."

As for Dorian And Sonya, their rank of No. 39 may be the lowest of anyone in the group, but defender Ben Davis warned against taking the Mystical Unicorns lightly.

"They're a quality side, and they've shown that by qualifying for the proper in consecutive World Cups," he said. "This is a team that consistently gives great effort. We're going to have to match, if not exceed, their intensity if we want to pick up three points from them."

Prognosticators may be predicting that the Stars would be "lucky" to earn a draw against the Dagans, but defender Carletta Ryan warned that Sarzonia would not just mail in their performances.

"We've shown that we play especially tough when our backs are to the wall," she said. "Make no mistake: In this group, our backs are definitely to the wall. We're going to have to earn everything we get."

[Tretskivucia]

Tretskivucia Qualifies!
Much Celebration nationwide

After 3 attempts to qualify, the Tretskivucian national team has managed to qualify for World Cup 53 thanks a lot to coach Boris' coaching methods and tactics. As the results were revealed as to who would qualify, bears and Tretskivucians alike stood silent. When it was revealed that we qualified, the whole country was in excitement. Bears could be seen dancing in the streets with Tretskivucian citizens and Bear kills had a record low with none today. Tretskivucian officials are considering giving bears the vote and making this an official public holiday. Happy Qualification & Bear Day!

[Jeru FC]

Naked News Jeruselem's Sam Sallad with former Jeru FC player Henry Champagne (who just happens to be her husband)

Sam: Hello, I'm Sam Sallad! Today we're talking World Cup 53 draw. I'm with former Jeru FC player Henry Champagne, who retired a few cups ago. Yes, he is also my husband.
Henry: Hi everyone
Sam: Group A looks a like a nice for Jeru FC but Group G for Girl Power is not so nice.
Henry: Yes, we're the top seeds in Group A. Yes, the hosts are there too but West Zirconia and fellow prussians Rejistania aren't the hardest teams to beat in this cup.
Sam: Which means we should do well.
Henry: If Jeru FC can't make it with this kind of opposition, we don't deserve to win this cup.
Sam: Who's the biggest threat to us?
Henry: I think the hosts actually with all their home support.
Sam: Now to Group G for girl power. All teams in Group G have girls in their teams.
Henry: I'll be watching every one of those games in Group G.
Sam: It's tough ask for Jeruselem, who face the 2nd and 7th seed as well as those bikini clad Elves who aren't bad themselves.
Henry: No easy games for Jeruselem. People expect the Cassadaigua and Sarzonian teams to progress.
Sam: What about Jeruselem?
Henry: We need to put a big effort, beating Cassadaigua isn't easy. Jeruselem lost to them 4-2 in a friendly. Sarzonia are stubbornly hard to beat and never discount them sexy elves from Dorian and Sonya.
Sam: A big blow is Princess Helena unable to play still.
Henry: She's walking but I can't see her running out on the field at the moment.
Sam: So it looks Jeru FC should be OK but Jeruselem need to kick some ass.
Henry: I think everyone thinks Group G to be most interesting with girl power on display even in the Sarzonian team.
Sam: Jeruselem's team is only really half-female but no one notices the men on the team.
Henry: True dat, the girls are the equal of any in the sexy stakes.
Sam: That's all from us, see you all later. We have to go home to make dinner.
Henry: Good luck to our boys. And our Princesses need even more luck.

OOC

Group A
Pasarga (36)
Rejistania (53)
Jeru FC (9)
West Zirconia (19)

Group G
Jeruselem (22)
Cassadaigua (2)
Dorian and Sonya (39)
Sarzonia (7)

[Dorian and Sonya]

Pink Pride Faces Off In Group G
Should We Paint Sarzonia Pink As Well?

My Queen,

I know, that upon your direct order, I was to bring you a report on happenings at the Sylvanaes National Pushcart Derby rather than any information regarding to the performance of the Mystical Unicorns. That will be a bit impossible today as the Derby had to be postponed due to extreme celebrations over the Mystical Unicorns’ unbelievable rally to qualify for World Cup 53 despite all the struggles that surrounded the squad early on in the group stage.

One point. That is the margin we were able to advance by. One point over both Ad’ihan and The Ottish Empire. The former was a huge upset win for us late in the stage. A win that finally moved us into the second and final qualifying position. And the latter being the upstart that doggedly held onto second for the majority of the stage. Both sides deserve our respect for the way they played.

But our deepest debt at this point is owed to the nation of Sillar. A meager campaign for the new nation was marked by one remarkable win and an equally remarkable draw. It was us they dropped in the early matches of the stage and it was us they sent into the Cup proper by earning an unlikely draw with Ad’ihan on the final match day after we had dropped our own match against the group leaders, and fellow Elves, Valanora.

It took some time for your decision to axe Rhys and replace him with little known Maelwen Maridilyon, but in the end it was the perfect move for a squad that had become complacent in its play. The addition of younger girls into the lineup also paid huge dividends late in qualification as they finally began to grasp the game at this level. Solid play from the front keeps the pressure off of the defenders shoulders, and for us that is a great thing as they tend to break down late in matches and allow easy goals.

But here we are now with another shot at World Cup glory. Last time out proved that there is a huge difference in the level of talent between the qualifiers and the Cup itself as we failed to even gain a point finishing at the bottom of the group. This time around will be no easier but our goals are now tampered with reality as we simply hope to have a solid showing and do more than watch the rest of the group breeze by.

Several of the girls were interviewed by numerous media outlets and they came off quite humble and gracious. I am still not quite sure as to how they managed to pull that off. Girls who choose to play primarily in little more than bikinis, namely our own, are a bit arrogant and brash. Maelwen must have solid control over every aspect of the squad for them to seem so proper. Here are a few of the better quotes…

J’hys Ickaeth: “We have been here before. That gives us room to focus on what we need to do rather than the spectacle that is the World Cup.”

Wend Rayghaest: “We worked hard to make this late run and squeeze through. We will work even harder to prove that we belong here this time around.”

Jacina Elminster: “Those of us who are new to this whole experience will rely heavily on the leadership of the girls who were here last time, just as we have done during the qualifiers. They know what we have to do. We just have to listen and then execute.”

Maelwen Maridilyon: “I was brought in here to instill discipline and a hard-nosed attitude. Those things have been done. Now it is my job to guide these girls on their quest to succeed here and I will do that with the same zeal.”

The Mystical Unicorns now await the all-important group draw to find out what competition they face as they look to make some noise in the World Cup. Rest assured that despite any former misgivings the girls are ready and able to have a great showing.

As soon as we can resume the Derby I will be returning with the news you did want to hear.

Your humble servant,
Khyber

* * * * *

My Queen,

Yet again I fail in my designated task in that there is no news to report from the Pushcart Derby. The Celebration caused by the Mystical Unicorns’ qualification for World Cup 53 has carried on all through the night and, as of this writing, shows no signs of slowing from its fevered pitch any time soon. If anything the level of partying has increased since the announcement of the draw for the World Cup, as there are some very close friends that will be joining us in Group G.

Cassadaigua and Jeruselem join us in that group as all three of the Pink Pride nations will face off against each other in the group stage. Rumors of conspiracy to limit the Pink Pride threat have come to surface, but let us be reasonable. Sometimes the luck of the draw has a way of creating groupings that seem far too hand-picked to be random. But in the end Margaret has her hand in such things as well.

The oddball of the group is Sarzonia, who does allow women to play on its squad but does not wear some shade of pink as the rest of us do. We can only hope the sea of pink that will fill the crowd will be enough to distract them. Not likely though as Sarzonia are ranked seventh in the world.

Perhaps tomorrow will see the Derby resume and I will be able to bring you that report.

Your humble servant,
Khyber

* * * * *

Queen Sonya gazed into the elaborate crystal ball where she had watched the World Cup 53 draw take place. There had been nothing out of the order to suggest someone had placed all three of the Pink Pride nations in one group. No magic at all beyond her own had been detected. The groups had been chosen randomly despite the fact that it seemed a bit of a long shot to assume all three would end up in the same group.

So this was the group that the Mystical Unicorns would have to take on in order to advance. Cassadaigua, Sarzonia, and Jeruselem. A group of death that any World Cup in history would be hard pressed to match. She took a few minutes to reflect on the competition.

Cassadaigua. The world’s number two side and recent champions of back-to-back world cups. A friendly rivalry had grown between the two since the advent of the Pink Cup. A rivalry that had, as of yet, been completely one sided. The Mystical Unicorns had never even made a close match with the Dagans thus far and it was almost impossible to think they would do so here.

Sarzonia. The only non-pink nation in the group. But the number seven side in the world would care less about the colors on their opponents kits than they would about anything other than winning their matches. A dangerous side to day the least, we can only hope that the Stars overlook the girls in bikinis as the concentrate on the better ranked sides in pink.

Jeruselem. We have played them a few times and can hold our own most of the time. Sylvanae males loved it when the Princesses came to visit in World Cup 51 and local media named the squad as a bunch of whores. This match is key for both of us if we wish to take over one of the top two spots and move on. Expect this one to be heatedly contested by both sides.

Las time around, the Unicorns left the party without a sound. No points, no goals, and no respect. Queen Sonya could only hope that this time her girls could manage to earn at least some of the latter.

She moved away from the crystal ball and thought of young Khyber waiting for the Pushcart Derby to resume. In all actuality, she didn’t even need the reports as she could see things first hand, just as she had done today. But she did enjoy the young elf’s reports. So emotional. Khyber would one day be the best reporter in all the Queendom. Someday.

[Andossa Se Mitrin Vega]

Sea Dragons Added List Of World Cup Qualifiers
Tough Group D Awaits

The entire Sea Dragons squad sat quietly in their locker room underneath the stands of Stadii Se Draggonnii Arcea. They had failed to qualify for the World Cup yet again, though this time around it could not be said that they had been an easy out. In fact, things had gone quite the opposite way this time around. These qualifiers had seen the squad hand two defeats to the mighty Krytenian squad while pushing them hard for the chance to move on. In the end it had come down to the final matches for both sides, and both had won keeping them even at 39 points on the Group 4 table.

Most Vegans felt a bit slighted that it was to be Krytenia moving on rather than the Sea Dragons. Head to Head results were always the deciding factor in domestic sports and to see Krytenia get the nod because of goal-differential, a statistic most Vegans care very little about as it tends to reward offensive minded squads over more defensive ones such as our own, was a bit annoying. Most Vegans were also quick to point out that they held no ill feelings for the Kryties, whom we have always gotten along quite merrily with. To make things worse, the 39 points would have sent them through in 7 of the 15 groups and had them even on points in one more besides their own.

Now the weight of more than 4 billion disappointed fans crushed down on the squad as they sat in silence. Only the shrill ring of a phone from somewhere down the hall could be heard, followed by quick footfalls headed in their direction. Manager Ibrihim Kali’Kalii answered the loud knock at the door and a few moments of course whispers exchanged between himself and the unseen messenger on the outside. Slowly he turned to face his squad.

“It seems that two nations have been disqualified from the World Cup. And no, neither one was Starblaydia or Krytenia.” he paused for a moment before continuing on. “The hosts of the World Cup have decided to reward our play with an invite to the World Cup 53 proceedings. We are in!”

Cheers errupted from the locker room and soon after from the still crowded stands of Stadii Se Draggonnii Arcea. The Sea Dragons would return to World Cup competition at long last.


Sometime during the draw being televised…

Jahirii sat alone and watched the draw take place. Finally they were ready to announce the placements for Pot 4, the pot the Sea Dragons were a part of. Some of the possibilities weren’t really that bad. Groups A and E seemed a nice place to fall despite the fact that each held one of the hosts.

Group G would suck completely. Cassadaigua and Sarzonia had both been drawn there. Number 2 and number 7. Jeruselem had joined them to make a very tough group for whoever was unlucky enough to get that placement.

Group D was little better. The current Champions Valanora headed up the group while Krytenia had the second spot ranked 14th. Sure he and the Sea Dragons had beaten the Kryties in both meetings, but three in a row was highly unlikely. Bostopia was the other side here. Jahirii knew little of them save the fact that they were a very tough side in their own right.

Jahirii’s heart sank when he heard the announcement. Group D it was. Valanora. Krytenia. Bostopia. This was going to be fun - and not in a fun way. But the fact that the Sea Dragons had performed well against Krytenia in this cup and other top sides in the past did give the captain some encouragement. It could be done. Now they all would simply have to go out and prove every critic in the world wrong.

[Kulverint]

Kulverint get tough group draw!

Things are looking bad, but not impossible. Kulverint, now ranked 40th, are playing The Babbage Islands, 3rd, The Holy Empire, 10th & Starblaydia, 17th. Whilst this is looking like a desperate group to be in, we must look up. Pays de Horreur, a team we beat at home and ran close for top of the qualifying group, are ranked 8th, only behind The Babbage Islands in this group.

Although we musn't flatter ourselves. Tommi Jakinen and his men, notable the Milverki brothers, have a chance to showcase their talent on the major world stage for the first time. Any wins we get in this group will be highly satisfying and notable. Though don't get ahead of yourselves, as we'll be lucky to finish 3rd in such a though group.

Group F
The Babbage Islands (3)
The Holy Empire (10)
Starblaydia (17)
Kulverint (40)

[Rejistania]

It was dark outside and inside, only a single light bulb spread light in one of the rooms of the flat, this narrator seems to focus on. The light shone on the 'calm place' as Rejistanis euphematically call the restroom. As it seems, someone was doing business there. Suddenly and unexpectedly to everyone in the household, but probably not to the readers of this story, the phone rang.

The person occupying the bathroom seems to be undisturbed by this and continues doing what he was doing. The phone also continued doing what it ws doing, namely ringing in an annoying tone. It was as if they were fighting a battle of endurance. It kept going for minutes until eventually, a small, darkskinned person in a neon-green bathrobe (with the logo of a H3SR team on it) left that specific place and answered the phone with more than a bit annoyance in his voice.

"Who is calling me at.." he glanced at a clock on the wall, "4 am?"

"Kiras here. Am I speaking to Sinkit?" the person, who indeed is Sinkit I Landaxa, the coach of the rejistanian national team, makes a derogatory gesture, which fortunately for his carreer was invisible to the calling president of the ASR.

"Hejida Lahedile'he, you are indeed speaking to me." He used a more formal way of addressing the president but could not quite muster the humility to use "tahoj xesyn" like U21 coach Samika does.

"You are going to the world cup."

He looked confused. "I thought the cup of Harmony was simultaneousl... oh, you mean that I am fired and can watch world cup matches if I so desire?"

"No, I mean that the Orange-Blues go to the world cup."

Sinkit supressed a sigh, Kiras did not sound drunk but he surely was and decided to do drunk calling. "If that is a joke, it is certainly not funny."

"It is not a joke. There has been a problem during the qualification: two nations ceased to exist despite having qualified. Nations ceasing to exist during qualifiers is always a bad thing, especially when they have home matches. So to replace those who no longer can compete, the hosts decided to qualify two nations to replace their ranks, Rejistania being one of them."

It sounded not completely as if he was hallucinating but it did not sound as if it could be correct either. "So, Bears Armed or The Babbage Islands ceased? I have not seen that coming."

"Tyrrin and Yafor 2 did. But the hosts chose to qualify the two teams with the best results who missed qualification. And given the fact that you were able to teach your team how to score goals, Rejistania is among them."

Sinkit breathes in audibly. "Tahy! That is amazing! Are you serious?"

"Serious as relegation*!" the voice from the phone tells you.

"No way! No way in one hundred*!" Sinkit shouts!

"Groups were drawn today. We are in a group with Jeru FC, West Zirconia and Pasarga. in order of confrontation."

"Eeek! Why have I not been informed about this earlier?"

"Because I didn't believe it either. I have just made it to the hotel from the group draw."

"The groups, they are already drawn and I only now are informed about it? I was planning for a cup of Harmony here is the -tani."

"You need to change your plans! And better start now!"

"No way in 100*! I have a bed to crawl into!"

"You won't get any sleep anyways, the media is going to demand soundbytes."

"You said Jeru FC, West Zirconia and whom?"

"Pasarga."

"I do not have to prepare anything for them, I know already what to say. I think one word suffices."

"An expletive?"

"Xen'ki'oki'itva.** And now, I have sacks to hit! Fare well*!"

"Fare excellently*!"

*OOC: for flavour, I left these expressions unchanged and did not replace them by other idioms.
** We will certainly fail.

[Rejistania]

From the blog of Maritil Hitaril

Xamjona['het] Tekne!

*sings* Xen'la'aru lasane sejil, xen'la'xkora -'la'viki venil.

Okay, moment of optimism is over! The Orange-Blues qualified for the world cup, despite not qualifying. What a bizarre things to happen. I mean, sure some nations suffered critical existance failure, but we are not even in their group, we just... had a not-all-that-bad (non-)qualification. I mean, it was not a good one, no matter what the media says since we only reached the third place, but it also was not a bad one for the very same reason. There is no English term to express the sentiment of mesit, but this is how I would describe it: Between being good and being bad but without the bad connotations of the word mediocre.

And now we have gotten into the world cup and to Pasarga. I cannot say that we deserved it since we failed against the teams which qualified in our place in group 8 quite spectacularly, but okay, we did kick some nominally-higher-ranked backsides, like Cosumar's. My prediction for the world cup is quite simple: We will not reach the vinali'het johim, and we probably will finish last in the group. Yes, I know that some people are going to flame me for that, but accept it. These teams were quite good. On the other hand: West Zirconia put fewer soccer-dwarfs* in their place and only reached 33 points in the qualifiers and Jeru FC reached just one victory more in its group....

I think someone needs to send an ambulance! I am getting optimistic! *screaming smiley is inserted here*

* If someone makes jokes about the low height average of Rejistanis, I will get angry. Unless the jokes are funny!

[Daehanjeiguk]

Roster

World Cup 53 Qualification - Group 6 Qualified 1st
MD1: 4-2 v [?] Meddicia (@ The Lions' Den, Yangseo - ???)
MD2: 0-1 @ [?] Albundania (@ Albundania - ???)
MD3: 7-2 v [?] TailsPrower (@ somewhere - ???)
MD4: 3-2 v [?] Warkus (@ somewhere else - ???)
MD5: 2-2 @ [?] Jepstonia (@ Jepstonia - ???)
MD6: 3-0 v [?] Raludcia (@ some place - ???)
MD7: 7-2 @ [?] Sierra Apathia (@ dowereallycare? - ???)
MD8: 6-0 v [?] Osarius (@ somewhere nice - ???)
MD9: 4-1 v [?] Xalisco (@ someone not as nice - ???)
MD10: 5-0 @ [?] Meddicia (@ Meddicia - ???)
MD11: 8-2 v [?] Albundania (@ Shinhan Jung-an Stadium, Gyeongju - 108,000)
MD12: 2-1 @ [?] TailsPrower (@ TailsPrower- ???)
MD13: 2-0 @ [?] Warkus (@ Warkus - ???)
MD14: 9-1 v [?] Jepstonia (@ yep, ouch - ???)
MD15: 5-0 @ [?] Raludcia (@ Raludcia - ???)
MD16: 3-0 v [?] Sierra Apathia (@ eek! - ???)
MD17: 6-0 @ [?] Osarius (@ Osarius - ???)
MD18: 2-1 @ [?] Xalisco (@ Xalisco - ???)

World Cup 54 - Group H
MD1: v [24] Valladares (@ Dežnëv Staadion - 90,000)
MD2: v [58] Tretskivucia (@ Dežnëv Staadion - 90,000)
MD3: v [12] Cafundéu (@ Värske Kuressaare Staadion - 60,000)

MBC Sports

Predictions and Predations that Pre-date Predominantly Predicamental Predicrotic Palpations

GYEONGJU - Group H, dead last and against some tough and worthy foes from Trestkivucia, Valladares, and Cafundéu. It's always a tricky travel to Somewhereistonia, where alligators outnumber humans 1093 to 984, medical experimentation laws are non-existent (along with any other laws), Kyrinskaia is still a bogeyland ruled by an iron fist communist (who apparently died a few years ago in a random fireworks explosion in his palace...), and the otherwise anarchic conditions do not complement the otherwise serene images that you routinely see on the streets. But make no mistake - Somewhereistonia is a paradise for fans, hooligans, and nut-pitching Sortherners alike. Of course, Sorthern Northland is on the other island, but that won't stop the renegade fans from joining their Septentrionian compatriots (who apparently did not even sign up for the World Cup this cycle...) to avoid the malingering crowds of geese (Rushmore is renowned for its geese, ever since that great migration so many years ago put them literally on the map). Similarly, former world champions Starblaydia and the Holy Empire line up for an intriguing group stage match-up that begs for fire and ice.

But back to the Han, who stormed through Group 6 in qualification after a few early hurdles to crush all opposition, racking up 78 goals in 18 matches, with a goal difference equally unmatched in the qualification stage. Unfortunately, the trigger-happy offense has had problems with a struggling defense conceding on average one goal per game (slightly less actually... no consolation for that fact...). Nonetheless, Lii Chong-Sun, who is nearing the age of death for many in his country will be certainly looking for a very long retirement after this World Cup. And after getting fourth in the world last Cup, the Han will be keen to replicate their success and go further than any other team in Han history. But you know, it's always been those damned elves that have gotten in the way, beating the Han last time around in the semifinals before going on to lift the trophy over Sorthern Northland. This time, if there is an epic Han-Elf encounter, it will be in the Final Match. But let's not be too hasty - the Han have always struggled against the pace-setting newbies, and this time, it's a double-whammy as our commentators will fiddle their dictionaries to explain Tretskivucia to the home crowds. Let's just hope that they don't score too many goals, because that would be just disastrous trying to fiddle that many syllables on live broadcasts. Then, we've got the ever-present Valladares, who will again play up to their strengths with a distinctly Roman (ooc: read Latin) squad and super-hot-n-sexy players featured on stunning calendars as far and wide as from Jeruselem to Krytenian fried weiner stands. The only super-hot-n-sexy star on the Han squad is an perhaps Kim Il-Tae, and he isn't the likeable type (Yi Mi-Tae, on the other hand, is always presentable, except she's a girl so it doesn't really count...). And Cafundéu... need we say anymore?

It's not easy if we manage to escape this deathly football trap of Group H, because awaiting us are the equally imposing Cassadaigua, Sarzonia, Jeruselem, and Dorian and Sonya. Cassadaigua are most certainly the most vociferous bloggers while Sarzonia have a certain edgy gutsy duh! (as opposed to d'oh!) mentality about their games. Jeruselem, with whom we have been very well acquainted, have not typically performed up to their high standards in the World Cup, not since that World Cup 34 Final (which we missed on account of being somewhere else at the time), and so will likely be consigned to elimination with Dorian and Sonya, but no excuses for us if we play them... because they're always flirtatiously rapid on the ball (kinda like those anime characters who always appear bipolar in fight scenes - where is Dancougar when you need a good picture?).

Anyway, it's a unusual custom for us... your unofficial predictions for the World Cup.

Group A: Beached whales will surface and bring great fortune for the winners of this group, because environmentalists will close down the matches to protest the cruel treatment of animals by sonar equipment in use by navies. Pasarga will have a tough time explaining to protesters (most of whom are underpaid Septentrionians trying to find their way into the World Cup and would just as easily surrender when presented with a gun silhouette, even if they're the ones holding it) that the beached whales were actually attempted to attend one of the matches, but couldn't quite make their way to the stadia. A counter-protest will urge Pasargans to move one of their stadia to the sea, so the whales can watch too.

Group B: Crap. That's all we have to say about this one. Crap. It will rain crap from the skies, and as the umbrellas unfold, they will yield to the intense stench of crap, forcing the polymerized transesterified-hydrocarbon elements to disintegrate and make way for a crap freefall. Crap will be served at dinner, crap will be served on the volleyball court, crap will be served on the dance floor, crap will be served period. And when you thought you were done with crap, crap will spontaneously combust into crap flames, which SLANI vendors will attempt to sell to locals as crap retardant. Eventually, someone will figure out a way to blow out the crap, but not before it leaves an indelible mark on everything and everyone involved. Then you'll wake up and realize that it was all just a crappy dream.

Group C: If TotalnUtterInanity actually qualified, this would be their group. In fact, with the recent announcement by the hosts concerning the disqualification on account of failure to properly register a geographical location for the territorial environs of a country of two participants, I feel that the hosts should have invited TnUI to come instead of the other two, because in terms of inanity, they would fit it so perfectly. And everyone would pay to watch the nil-nil Yafoties (ironically, they were eliminated... it seems that even cartographers hate Yafoties...), and the hosts would make millions, because no loves a Yafotie more than Yafotie lovers and TnUI. In fact, if you were to calculate all of the possible score permutations, the Yafotie is the most statistically sound investment, since it incurs the fewest tax penalties in Cafundéu (at least, it would if it could avoid the least-possible-cost-permutation tax...) and it improves the ratings of a team in Yafor II (which is the only country that cares so much about statistics that they named their national frog after a famous statistician from that country, who ironically was named after a frog...). Anyway... inane. Try putting words to that.

Group D: Bostopia will invade Pasarga after making a wrong turn at Nethertopia again. And this will lead to the subsequent elimination of the Bostopian national squad, because the SLANI refs will FIX! the results against Bostopia, such that they exit the Group Stage on negative points, having scored negative goals, but conceding positive goals nonetheless. In return, Emperor Boston will appear on national TV to apologize for stealing all of the ice cream from the fridge, which will totally confuse all of the eavesdropping international community as they begin a vain search for the ice cream in their fridge. In the meantime, Krytenia will emerge with a new record of having conceded the most number of goals against the Elves again, this after Delaclava had broken said record in the qualifying stages.

Group E: The Holy Bears of Count Almavida de Algunaparte! It's the pan-Orthodox flying circus of trained bears, who will mystify you and stupefy you and otherwise tear your wallets asunder! Every performance will be preceded by a liturgical incantation of the Vespers, complete with free-floating orbs of burning incense, folk dancers, and rice grains to pelt the crowds. We humbly predict that the bears will turn wild and start eating people while the organizers will hurried pick the pockets of the dead while offering a seldom vow to commit their souls to the Lord. In the meantime, Count Almavida de Algunaparte will make an unheralded appearance mostly to satiate the crowds, but they won't be too pleased to see his sparkling smile. They'll feed him to the bears, and soon it'll be known as the Sacrilegious Ursines of the Count who was Killed by them and everyone will become too perplexed by the grammatic structure of that phrase to care that their arms are being gnawed off.

Group F: Aw, fishcakes. That's all we've got to say about this one.

Group G: The latest and greatest in fall fashion will drop down as the fiesty fans will feed upon the glamour galore of the hottest girls wearing nothing but the finest clothes. Pink will be the newest fad, with a splash of deep, dark, and conservative navy blue to add a bit of flair to the show. But everyone's going to be talking about the running competition between Madame de Bonbon and Madame de Nubnub as they face off their styles for the hearts and attention of dressy folk all around the world. Of course, I would watch for the ceremonial pelting of the models with pistachios from the visiting Sortherners and Septentrionians, and perhaps an occasional fairy nut (the nutty fairies will be too busy for these fixtures, I'm afraid) to grace the sidelines of the show. In all, it should be exciting and delightful fun.

Group H: SHOES! Lots and lots of shoes!!! Get'em before the bears eat them!


In the meantime, we will go on a limb and say that Septentrionia will not win the World Cup this time. It's a fair bet to say the least.

[Jeruselem]

The MAN Blog

Football and Pink Pride

Well, our Jeruselem team made finals again and got placed in an interesting group. It just happens all the teams in this group feature female players and two are all female. Group G for Girl Power or Pink Pride according to who you want to ask.

Jeruselem (22)

Our own team called the Princesses even there are men on the team. It's just no one talks about them. I wouldn't want to wear the Jeruselem kit although compared to the kit on other teams, it's not too bad. While everyone talks about our girls banging around being hos, our men quietly do their job. The girls are seen on TV and well we don't complain. Our Jeruselem women maybe slutty but at least they look good and give us Jeruselem men some fun. Jeruselem is not total girl power but our media is dominated by women. We forget about the men in our team.

That all said, we here at MAN network still support our team as well as those Jeru FC boys. We may complain the women take too much of the TV bandwidth but we all know it's us men who still keep the show running.

...

Cassadaigua (2)

A talented team of women (and one man in the team somewhere). Oddly, they play more like men than women. They are the best team in this group and even if the whole team save for the one lucky man are girls - they show playing like men is the winning strategy. They are militant females are far as we are concerned still. Men have far to little say in football there. Sure women run the football teams in Jeruselem and Cassadaigua but women run the country in Cassadaigua.

Dorian and Sonya (39)

We can't hate this nation. Sure like Cassadaigua, the women run the country and football but the team play in bikinis. We know they are Elves but elves are sexy too. Pretty much everything we said about Cassadaigua except they aren't quite as good as the former World Champs.

The pink strip for Jeruselem is bad, the one for Cassadaigua is worse but one needs sunnies for this team. It's bright but it's a bikini so we can't complain.

...

Sarzonia (7)

Finally, the odd team out. A good team with women but there's plenty of men in here and no pink to send a man blind. This is our fave team in Group G in terms of manhood. The blue and white color scheme is man friendly no bloody pink. Ranked 7, they are good but are they better than the Dagans?

...


Our predictions? We'd love to see Jeruselem and Sarzonia in the next round. But most would say it's the Dagans and Sarzonia. Group G is most female of all the 8 groups. We think we could create the ultimate female team out of this group even if we leave out them belles from Bears Armed. Whatever happens, there will be one pink team making the 2nd round. Will the Princeses finally rule? Will the Dagans grab another cup? Will the elves take over as new super-elves as Valanora plan to leave? Will Sarzonia go blind from too much pink?

[Tarrentum]

Daestegwen Dlartanina, Gabriella Delphine Italiana and Alexander Italiana sat in a conference room on Napoliroma, the capital of Tarrentum. Their national team had made it to their first Qualifying Round of the World Cup. Yet the news that they were discussing was no cause for celebration.

Alexander Italiana sat across from Dlartanina and Gabriella Italiana. He cleared his throat once again but was cut-off again by his niece.
"Uncle, I don't give two shits about what the TSC [Tarrentum Sports Committee] says, that man is an animal clothed in a human's body. You saw him in Cassadaigua during the Queen's Cup. How do you, or the TSC for that matter, think that he will act differently?"

"My dear niece, Mr. Burindi will only be there in name. His company will be providing security for the squad, nothing else."

"Security how?" Dlartanina, the Falcons Manager, asked in her flowery and wise voice. She gave the elder Italiana a smile that showed she already knew the answer.

Alexander cleared his throat. "Personal bodyguards."

"Those girls he had with him in Cassadaigua?" the Head Coach asked reprehensibly. Alexander nodded his head.

"And more like them I suppose Gabriella." Dlartanina said as she leaned in towards her head coach. "I see folly arising from this situation Alexander; yet the TSC is set in this course." Dlartanina got up from her seat. "Please have your people keep me aprised of the situation duringy time in my homeland. I will be back in two days in time for our firstatch," she looked at Gabriella. "We spoke on this earlier, keep the players well trained. I will return."

With that the Sylvanae woman swept out of the room as graceful as leaves kicked up in an autumn breeze.

[The Babbage Islands]

Twenty-four hours to go before our fifth World Cup begins. And it still gives me goosebumps.

We've drawn into Group F, a group that has attracted surprisingly little notice in the press despite being the only group with three top-twenty sides. All three of our group stage matches will be in the 57,000 seat Dynami Arena, home to the Somewhereistonian side Dinamo Karrakiv. Our opener is against #10 The Holy Empire who have one previous championship, followed by #17 Starblaydia who own five. We need to play well coming out of the gate or we could easily be on the outside looking in by the time we face #40 Kulverint.

Defender Matt Chauvin will be sitting out a suspension for this match, having picked up one too many yellow cards of late. Chloe Morris will start in his place at fullback, with Lucy Barton on the opposite side and Jerry Kirkpatrick and Ronald Dennis at centre back. In the midfield, Glen Brown will partner me with Veronika Hennicke and a rising Tad Hollister on the wings. Striker Jason Olson remains our top recent scoring threat, and Bethany Martin will start for an injured Kelli Alder one more time. Elizabeth Hanna has a solid grasp on the #1 spot between the posts.

The really big news going in, of course, is Ganz Ijak's announcement that this Cup campaign will be his last. It's not a complete shock, of course. He's had an extraordinary run here in leading us through five World Cups. Managers don't tend to last this long--more than a decade--in the same spot in top-flight international football. Personally I'm grateful to count him as both a mentor and a friend.

Naturally the rumour mill is grinding away, with most speculation surrounding assistants Michelle Germaine and Allison Salamida as possible successors. Diogo Avarel's name has also been dropped in some quarters. I was amused to see a couple of pundits throw my name into the mix. But in the first place I'm not yet done as a player. And secondly I'm not sure I can make that smooth switch from the pitch to the sideline in any case. Allison has done it brilliantly, Magnus Svoboda blended the two under great pressure. But the skills of a great footballer don't always match up with management, no matter how many owners have shelled out the edisons to back a contrary view.

Speaking of Magnus, I look forward to his upcoming posthumous induction into the World Cup Hall of Fame. His widow Melody Svoboda-Donaldson will stand in his place for the ceremonies, and his son Glen Svoboda will be there as a member of the same Bumblebee squad his father helped build.

To all you matchmakers out there: Steve Erickson and I are good friends. For now, just good friends. We've been out a fair amount after winning that tournament, but the real Cupid-plays-chess story is with Rick Cornett and Kelli Alder. He's been very attentive while she heals.

Smile!

[The Archregimancy]

It's back! The Holy Empire Football Association has decided, despite a total lack of popular requests, to fill a much-needed void by bringing back...

THE MAMMOTH COMPENDIUM OF WORLD CUP LIES
World Cup 53 Edition

Your handy guide to the history and culture of all 32 World Cup participants!

Group A is full of goats.
The best-known geographical feature in Pasarga is a remarkable goat-shaped island.
In Rejistanian, the word for 'goat' sounds much like the Rejistanian word for 'syphilis', which has led to many hilarious misunderstandings.
The Jeru FC national team, well known for their pacifism, will only eat goats that die of natural causes.
The president of West Zirconia is a goat in human form.

Group B is all at sea.
The Capitalizt SLANI team once spent 40 days and 40 nights in the belly of a whale following a shipwreck at sea.
In Pays de Horreur, the sea is an off-mauve colour reminiscent of certain popular floral arrangements.
Sorthern Northland's national football team will only train knee-deep in the sea at high tide.
No one knows why, but the entire Albundania squad have a morbid fear of spending the night at sea.

Group C is all about music, sweet music
The most famous piece of classical music ever composed in Kelssek was written by a stripper called Patrick O'Toole.
Nethertopia is well-known as a land utterly without song.
In Delaclava, the best-known football chant proclaims the inherent niceness of nice things, but only on nice days.
The capital of Tarrentum was once buried under a massive deluge of sheet music that mysteriously fell from the sky.

Group D likes tea
The Emperor Boston of Bostopia once opened a chain of tea shops called "Big B-Boy's Bostopian Tea Boutique".
Valanora's tea plantations are the most extensive in the entire multiverse, covering 97% of the nation's entire land mass.
Tea only became known in Andossa Se Mitrin Vega thanks to the missionary activities of the Teanians, now the nation's most popular religion.
The Krytenian national football team famously wears a tea-coloured kit.

Group E is made of win
In Aguazul, children who have not won at least one match of football by the age of 12 are put to death.
The ursines of Bears Armed dream only of winning during hibernation.
Astoundingly, the Archregimancy keeps qualifying for the World Cup despite never having won a single international football match.
The citizens of Somewhereistonia fully expect their team to win Group E with a 100% record, without conceding a single goal.

Group F is full of secrets.
The greatest secret in Kulverint involves cheese.
Secretly, everyone in the Babbage Islands loves nothing better than canapes of fried dormouse hearts.
Everyone knows that The Holy Empire is easily the least secretive and mysterious land ever to participate in the World Cup
Starblaydia harbours a dark secret: everyone in the nation secretly despises purple, but is too afraid to admit it.

Group G is all about testosterone-fuelled heterosexual men.
Promiscuity was banned centuries ago in Jeruselem, at the request of the governing class of testosterone-fuelled heterosexual men.
The women of Cassadaigua live lives of oppressed toil in the service of testosterone-fuelled heterosexual men.
In Dorian and Sonya, you'll be hard pressed to see anyone on the streets during the day except testosterone-fuelled heterosexual men.
Jokes about testosterone-fuelled heterosexual men are considered so tasteless in Sarzonia that they carry a prison sentence if repeated in public.

Group H is in the dark
The Han Empire was once cast into the darkness for all eternity, only to be saved by a virgin sacrifice.
In Cafundéu, the moon refuses to shine at night until taxes on revolving celestial bodies are revoked.
The sun never shines in Tretskivucia.
No one knows why, but on the third day of the fifth month, the first born sons of Valladares insist on spending the entire day with the curtains drawn.

[The Archregimancy]

Monastic Press Release

MFA Announces Goals for World Cup 53

Following the stunning - and, frankly, rather unexpectedly total - success of the Archregimancy's World Cup Qualification Campaign End the Oppression of the One True Church; Recognise that the Vegan Orthodox Church Exists and Grant Them the Freedom to Interact With Other Orthodox Jurisdictions in Keeping with the Canons of the Seven Ecumenical Councils, Thereby Allowing the Appointment of New Priests! (or 'E. T. O. O.T. O. T. C.; R. T. T. V. O. C. E. A. G. T. T. F. T. I. W. O. O. J. I. K. W. T. C. O. T. S. E. C., T. A. T. A. O. N. P!'), the Monastic Football Association has been required to find new goals for the World Cup Finals.

We rejoice at the success of E. T. O. O.T. O. T. C.; R. T. T. V. O. C. E. A. G. T. T. F. T. I. W. O. O. J. I. K. W. T. C. O. T. S. E. C., T. A. T. A. O. N. P, but with the Vegan authorities now fully cooperating in investigating the Orthodox past of their nation, we must set out a new path.

We therefore announce that we wish to honour the consubstantiality of the Holy Trinity by finishing with a record of one win, one loss, and one draw, with three goals for and three goals against, with a wholly equal goal difference.

Heathen cynics will no doubt point out that the Archregimancy have achieved this goal in past World Cups, but we would note that we often fallen short of the three goals for, three goals against, and equal goal difference. Therefore we strive with monastic humility, and faith in the Lord our God, to achieve the full set of Trinitarian results this Cup.

Therefore we announce that we anticipate losing to Aguazul 2-1, defeating Bears Armed 2-1, and then drawing against Somewhereistonia 0-0 (though not necessarily in that order). Failure to achieve those results - or a close equivalent thereof with the same final set of results - shall be taken as a sign of an anti-Orthodox conspiracy against the Monastic Football Association, and a formal protest shall then be filed with the World Cup Committee.

We would also note that our use of the English term 'consubstantiality' in this press release should not be taken as accepting any Western - whether Roman or Protestant - heretical conceptions of the relationships within the Holy Trinity. We remain wholly committed to the Nicene doctrine of homooúsios, as set out at the First Ecumenical Council, but without any of the subsequent heretical emendations to the Nicene-Constantinopolitan Creed, and that we continue to wholly reject the false Roman doctrine Et in Spiritum Sanctum, Dominum, et vivificantem: qui ex Patre Filioque procedit