Sark's Directory

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WELCOME TO SARK'S DIRECTORY
Aggregated sports wire for The Stoic Community of the Delte Valley

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OSWARK-UPON-DELTE: The editors of the Oswark Parish Advertiser sports desk, Sullenden Morning Bugle sports desk, Ughmirren Broadsheets sports desk, Deltemouth Tide Times sports desk, Toddwardine Beastmarket Journal & News Of The World sports desk, Burye News sports cupboard and sports desks of other reputable media organisations of the valley are pleased to reissue the highly collectible SARK'S DIRECTORY, renewed for the year 2023. If you are looking for the 2022 edition or the previous 127 annuals, we're afraid they are already sold out bar the odd battered-looking copy on dbay going for the price of a month's rent on that Georgian town house of yours.

Once again we are delighted to be sponsored by Sark's of Oswark, the family sportsmongers, who lend their historic and reputable name to the directory for the eighteenth time since we banned big-tobacco, big-vape, big-oil, big-agg and big-pharma from sponsoring our beloved annual. Long gone are the days of the MonShanto-Cola UniSpanner Galacto-Smutt-deCline Sporting Directory and its 9,000px-wide graphic headers, saving your pixels and your conscience.

Questions, comments, complaints or compliments? Please do not post in the thread - address your concerns to the editor via TG

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EDITORIAL: THE SPORTING YEAR
Another busy year awaits - what to look forward to in 2023

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Will Oswark Statuettes retain their surprise Friday Night & Saturday Morning Ultra Premier League indoor women’s fútsal title? Will newly-promoted Oldny FC hold on to their Delte Valley Tuesday Evening & Sunday Lunchtime Super League place as favourites to go straight back down, and speaking of the boing-boing effect, can we expect Askirk Rangers to bounce back from their shock relegation to the Early Closing Wednesday Afternoon Parish Championship? It’s not all about football of course - we have motorsports aplenty throughout the year, athletics in various guises, gentlemanly Cracquet come the summer and other bat & racket sports to suit all types, river contests at the height of the tourist season and naturally we see out the year with the annual elf hunt up to the Sirque mountains after a good round of tractor racing and some mistlemas pudding with lashings of treble cream.

But of course we begin 2023 with the hardest event of them all in the season of discontented weather - it has been four years since anyone crossed the finishing line of The Wetlands Tribulation, the Valley’s super tough winter endurance race up in the Garga Marshes, when Percy O’Maugh was the only finisher of the 2019 edition. It has been five years since we had multiple completions, when Percy came third behind Vera Thirstmorten and Thrand Thundy. All three are among the field of twenty-eight for this January’s challenge and the campsites and B&B’s of Marshlock Parish are fully booked for a highly anticipated - if bitterly cold - start to the sporting year. Can we finally get some finishers after all entrants being defeated by the environment for three consecutive races? There’s only one way to find out - see you there! (Or buy your copy of the Directory of course, and save on the chillblaines and pneumonia).

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INFOMERCIAL: SARK'S FAMILY SPORTSMONGERS
A few words from Quarden Sark, President and Grandfather of our illustrious sponsors

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Here at Sark’s we are once again delighted to be associated with the premier sports publication of the Valley, and we like to think that as the premier sports supplier of the Valley, it’s a perfect match. From our first store on Aughtshambles Street in Oswark, founded by my grandfather Burt G. Sark in 1927 to sell ‘tennés shoes, cracquet hats and association footballs to the general public at trade prices’ we have come a long way with several shops up and down the Valley plus a new superstore in faraway Taxhavn, a manufacturing arm, export contracts for our own sports line, and now, thanks to the eminent Mister Raul Valk, a commercial tie-in with Starblaydi superior wicking suppliers ediraf. But despite our growing international portfolio, we remain a humble family enterprise with our feet very much on the riverbed, as we say in the Valley. And as a family we like nothing better than a week out together in a freezing tent in January up in the Garga Marshes to witness the Wetland Tribulation, or a picnic on the waterfront for the Summer River Festival, or a bracing ride around the circuit of the Delte RR. What better way to show our appreciation to the sporting efforts of the valley than to sponsor this remarkable Directory?

With fond wishes for the year, and looking forward to seeing you in the marshes!

Quarden Sark, President
& the Sark kids, the Sark grandkids, a couple of Sark great-grandchilder & the extended family of Sark employees

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SARK'S SPORTING CALENDAR
Plan your sporting diary with Sark’s Sports Calendar

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JAN	Wetlands Tribulation									
FEB	Indoor Pétanque season		| NSGP Delte Falls Sprint									
MAR	Start of the football season:	| Womens | Mens & Mixed | NSWC 		
APR	Honrad Hill Gravitational								
MAY	Oswark Sports Day		| Outdoor pelota season					
JUN	The Delte RR			| Football’s summer break			
JUL	River Festival			| Cracquet/crackitt 			
AUG	The Gyro			| Football restart					
SEP	RallyeDelte											
OCT	End of the football season:	| Womens | Mens | Mixed								
NOV	Indoor pelota season									
DEC 	Tractor GP			| Elf Hunting Season	

…not to mention the NSWC Continuous World Cup, which happens… continuously.

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THE WETLANDS TRIBULATION
Typically tough conditions confound many but not all

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Medals
1. Oslo Mossage			
2. Arda Lorondon			
3. William Ghonkin

Day Wins
Monday:		Vona Ryne
Tuesday:	Sulra Haughfrost
Wednesday:	Leigh Shyke
Thursday:	Oslo Mossage
Friday:		Percy O'Maugh
Saturday:	Numhon Sark

MARSHLOCK SPA: Mr. Oslo Mossage, a chipper 48-year old farmer from Sullenden Parish, emerged victorious in his fifth attempt at The Wetlands Tribulation following a magnificent final Sunday of the seven day endurance race which saw him finish twenty-four minutes clear of Arda Lorondon. After the last three races failed to produce a singe finisher, hopes were high of a competitive field coming into the last day with a record ten competitors still standing, including former winners Percy O’Maugh and Leigh Shyke. William Ghonkin took third place on the day and Percy was the last finisher in fourth, with Leigh and five other competitors finding the last leg too tough after a week of hard slogging - six withdrawals on the final leg made Slogger Sunday the most attritional of the whole race.

Finishers		 		Time	Day Wins
1. Oslo Mossage				19:34	[Thursday]
2. Arda Lorondon			+0:24
3. William Ghonkin			+0:38
4. Percy O'Maugh			+1:06	[Friday]

Non-Finishers		Withdrew
Cyril Ildmore		Sunday		16:08
Numhon Sark				16:02	[Saturday]
Dynumi Tonpole				13:17
Leigh Shyke				13:00	[Wednesday]
Charadda Olde				11:30
Sulra Haughfrost			10:13	[Tuesday]

Taigh Ustny		Saturday	15:47
Nirentha Poltinque			14:39
Ricky Rynild				DNS

Jackie Perryl		Friday		12:29

Attin Nala		Thursday	16:59

Agë Kelden		Wednesday	13:12
Samson Ine				DNS

Vona Ryne		Tuesday		16:05	[Monday]
Tortia Olde				11:50
Eckelmenna Isselring			DNS
Thrand Thundy				DNS

Vera Thirstmorten	Monday		11:31
Serettia Kight				10:06
Addellorda Vesquena			09:53

Non-Starters
Jimmy Arkangel		Start Line Bottler		
Dight Olden		Sick Note
Paul de Mattoe		No show
Sam Illmorrow		No show

A field of 28 entries was soon reduced before a metre had been run when a very unstoic argument broke out several days before the race between Paul de Mattoe and Sam Illmorrow, who insisted on making things difficult for themselves by deciding to cycle up to the start line on Oughatt Pike from Marshlock by way of proving which had the better legs for the riding stages: shouting and goading all the way, they took a wrong turn on the pike track in heavy fog with evening descending and cycled clean over the hills into the next valley where they were temporarily lost in a fluid time bog, missing the race*. As is often the way of the Tribulation, the steep decline from the top of Oughatt Pike down into Garga Vale proved too intimidating for some, with two competitors pulling out on Monday morning as the racers lined up for the first leg - Dight Olden not emerging from his tent and sending a sick note to the starting steward, and poor old Jimmy Arkangel freezing on the line as he did in 2019 and 2020, his only other Tribulation attempts.

Indeed the drop from the top of the Pike into the hostile vale below provides every reason for caution and in particular the fence at Delch Corner, coming down the hill at full sprint and barely in control of one’s forward momentum, was as usual a brutal introduction to Foul Weather Running for the brave competitors of the Tribulation. Addellorda Vesquena took an early and near-suicidal lead coming down the pike - she was the first to hit the fence and she didn’t make it over in a crunching pile of yelps, cries, sprains and breakages. Barely clear of the fence with the assistance of the Delch Corner ambulance volunteers, she was soon followed by Serettia Kight and then one-time winner of the Tribulation and race favourite Vera Thirstmorten, who had enough about her to get up and carry on, but withdrew just an hour later with injuries sustained at the fence. Both Eckelminna Isselring and Thrand Thundy, two experienced Tribbers, picked up injuries at Delch Corner which they managed to ignore to finish the first day, but forced their withdrawal overnight. Even Vona Ryne, who had a fall at the fence but carried on to win the first day, was nursing enough Delch Corner hurts to finish her off in Gortaine Bog late on Tuesday afternoon.

With four non-starters and eight out by Wednesday morning - Samson Ine was bitten at Tuesday night camp by a boiler midge and had to withdraw when he couldn’t get his shorts on - it looked as if the Tribulation was going to make it so tough that another year without finishers was in the offing. But things settled well with only six more drop-outs over the next three days, though that included two-time winner and much-fancied Ricky Rynild who didn’t start on Saturday after getting lost in the fields the night before and missing the bridge over the River Ursam - he didn’t make camp until gone 2am with a search helicopter scrambled and fearing the worst, having had to ford the Ursam on his own in the dark and suffering several bouts of acute cramp. He woke up on Saturday with a stinking cold.

And so to the final day and the run-cycle-swim-climb back to Marshlock Spa and up to the Tribulation Camp on Oughatt Pike, with ten still in the field - the most on Slogger Sunday since the race began in the nineties. Numhon Sark, of the famous sportsmongering family, had taken the Saturday win and was now a clear favourite for the title, although Oslo and Arda had also shown their mettle, while Percy of course was an experienced campaigner with four finishes - and one win - under his belt. Former winner Leigh Shyke was still in the mix too though she had a bad start in Kelty Meadow when she flipped her ankle and fell down a bog well, never quite recovering and withdrawing just after lunch.

Numhon over-extended himself and tragically found he just couldn’t get up Oughatt hill after reaching the pike track in first place, and seeing Oslo Mossage confidently rope past him around four o’clock was enough to finish him. Arda Lorondon managed to keep Oslo in sight until tea time but his sudden spurt of power and a relentless whistling cheeriness sapped her morale and she looked for all the world that she would concede in despair as Numhon had. The famous spectators-on-the-mountain, crowding the cliff edges and available ledges all the way up to the finishing camp, had other ideas and cheered her on passionately in a very unstoic-like manner to get her to the top of the hill in second place and several minutes ahead of the rapidly closing William Ghonkin in third. Veteran tribber Percy O’Maugh had to settle for an honourable mention in fourth place after getting turned around in Cherkins Wood and losing the track, dropping from second place when he went in to fourth when he finally came out.

Year	Winner			Second			Third			# Finishers
1996	Ada Arrinburton		Nysene Itkin		Del Yackins		6
1997	Ada Arrinburton		Ness Itkin		Nysene Itkin		8
1998	-			-			-			0
1999	Kinnalan Ackerbell	Delladia Taigh		Ness Itkin		5
2000	Ada Arrinburton		Nysene Itkin		Issnail Lerd		3
2001	Delladia Taigh		-			-			1
2002	Ada Arrinburton		Delladia Taigh		Nysene Itkin		7
2003	Ada Arrinburton		Delladia Taigh		Weaver Anglerine	3	
2004	Ada Arrinburton	[6]	Banesskimald Archer	Nysene Itkin		5
2005	-			-			-			0
2006	-			-			-			0
2007	Queold Lorme		Ness Itkin		Nyurna Nagha		4
2008	Delladia Taigh [2]	Toright Stynton		Nina Itkin		5
2009	Weaver Anglerine	Nyurna Nagha		-			2
2010	-			-			-			0
2011	Nyurna Nagha		Weaver Anglerine	Ness Itkin		7
2012	-			-			-			0
2013	Ricky Rynild		-			-			1
2014	Ardarse Daresay		Herris Poldare		Eckelminna Isselring	8	
2015	Dai Cherkins		Orqueth Skissa		Dena Tasghar		3
2016	Ricky Rynild [2]	Percy O'Maugh		-			2	
2017	Leigh Shyke		Samson Ine		Arda Lorondon		4	
2018	Vera Thirstmorten	Thrand Thundy		Percy O'Maugh		5
2019	Percy O'Maugh		-			-			1
2020	-			-			-			0
2021	-			-			-			0
2022	-			-			-			0
2023	Oslo Mossage		Arda Lorondon		William Ghonkin		4

* They have since been located by Untto Squaker and his salvage workers, and returned safely to Oswark for recuperation. No serious damage appears to have affected them bar some temporal displacement shock, emerging from the Smite Valley as they did on early Victorian wood-framed penny farthing velocipedes wearing top hats and bloomers.

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THE INDOOR PÉTANQUE CHAMPIONSHIPS
The Cooperites Dominate All Month Long

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Summary
Date*		Location	Masculins	Féminins	Équipes
Qualifiying Rounds

Sat 06 & Sun 07	SULLENDEN	Triple		Double		Mixtes	
Tue 09 & Wed 10	TESSAGE		En simple	En simple	Hommes
Sat 13 & Sun 14	SEVERNIGHT	Double		Triple		Femmes
Tue 16 & Wed 17	USKORANTON	Triple		Double		Mixtes
Sat 20 & Sun 21	TORNY		En simple	En simple	Hommes
Tue 23 & Wed 24	ASKIRK	 	Double		Triple		Femmes
Sat 27 & Sun 28	UGHMIRREN	Triple		Double		Mixtes
Tue 30 & Wed 31	DUSKARD	 	Double		Triple		Mixtes

BOULES d'ARGENT GRANDE FINALE
Championnes

Date*		Location	Masculins		Féminins		Équipes
Fri 33		OSWARK		En simple:		En simple:		Hommes:
				Noé Plusseruer		Arda Perkin		Tonneliers Ageness
				(Tonneliers A.)		(Tessage PC)

Sat 34 		OSWARK		Double:			Double:			Femmes:
				Noé Plusseruer		Océane Trouvés		Tonneliers Ageness
				Remi Deslauriers	Fabienne Bonnet de Mort
				(Tonneliers A.)		(Tonneliers A.)

Sun 35		OSWARK		Triple:			Triple:			Mixtes:
				Noé Plusseruer		Murielle Perdu		Boules d'Askirk 
				Jean Assassiné		Fabienne Bonnet de Mort
				Noël Évadés		Chloé Faucheuse				
				(Tonneliers A.)		(Tonneliers A.)

[*]Bonesea Symmetric Calendar applies - "35 days hath Windmarch..." (February)

OSWARK-UPON-DELTE: It's a chilly month in the valley when thoughts of outdoor sports are still a long way from being welcome by all but the hardiest and most foolish athletes (many of whom are still recovering from January's Wetlands Tribulation), and the heated indoor pétanque season remains the highlight of the month's sporting calendar. Players and spectators from all over the valley dust off their Sicoutinaise-Deltic translation dictionaries, as traditionally the game is mostly played in the Gallic language, including exclamations of triumph and disappointment (although these of course are subject to the usual Deltic stoicism and generally don't extend to anything terribly emotional). Even ahead of Community Whist Drives, Thermal Tunneling and Sauna Tennis, the indoor pétanque season is the most popular activity of the month, concluding with the huge Silver Bowl - that would be the Boules d'Argent Grande Finale - event at the Oswark Arena, where the winners of several qualification events throughout the month come to win the grand prizes in singles, doubles, triples and team events. But this year, things were a little different. This year, the Sicoutinaise was a little more polished.

Who knew, when the poor Rushmori boat people arrived on Deltic shores following the tragic Flight of The Mothball container ship and it's convoy of junk boats from the Cooper River humanitarian crisis, just how good the Cooperites would be at pétanque? Perhaps we should have guessed by their only speaking Sicoutinaise. Or when they were housed in the village of Ageness, how they requested fifty kilos of boules under their donated 'leisure budget'. Beginning with the Sullenden Pétanque Weekend at the beginning of the month, the Deltic people quickly realised that 'Tonneliers A.', the club the refugees had formed in Ageness, was going to dominate proceedings from start to finish. Everyone's stoicism was put to the test as the new neighbours took over the street. Not just the street, but the whole place. Here was a new standard of bouling. The Delts, mostly, could only stand back and admire.

A mention, first, of Arda Perkin, who won the Women's singles title for the third time in beating Cooperite superstar pétanquienne Fabienne Bonnet de Mort. It was one of only two titles won by the locals out of nine, with Boules d'Askirk Club taking the Mixed Teams title in a final victory over the Tonneliers. The Tonneliers themselves won all seven other titles in a remarkable weekend in Oswark. There are many things 'outsiders' can teach the parochial Delts, we know this to be true, and one of them - it seems - is pétanque.

"I've never seen anything like it," said Dickie Lale, the Indoor Pétanque Commissioner, "we had no idea how bad we were at Boules. Or Sicoutinaise, for that matter."

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THE NSGP DELTE FALLS SPRINT
Tinni Kight and Eckford Racing Victory In The Valley

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DELTEMOUTH:The first international event of its kind in the Valley concluded with a home victory for exciting new driving prospect Tinni Kight as the NSGP jamboree came to the Delte Falls Raceway near Tessage. No-one was more surprised than Mosden Eckford, a secondhand car dealer from Deltemouth, when he was nominated to head up 'Team Delte' in the OWARS Open Wheel Auto Racing Series. Quickly assembling a crack team from his side operation, Eckford Kit Cars, of mechanic Ilda Husky and administrator Ghinnera Chattquiet, and recruiting Tinni Kight from The River Patrol's list of 'five most wanted' drivers (not that they are actually most wanted, but are - specifically - those with the most speeding endorsements on their driving licenses - or five most caught in the act, so to speak), he set about producing a competitive version of the Dallarma BatRacer that was chosen as the racing model of the fifth NSGP series. Using his knowledge of the kit car world and bringing in champion slot-racing consultant Eddie Scaléxtri as his 'gluesmith', Mosden turned out the now famous (in the Valley) golden-liveried mouthful of a racer dubbed the Airfix Dallarma BatRacer Husky, and set it to racing on circuits around the world driven by single-minded and some might say lunatic driver Tinni, who was at least putting her dubious motoring talents and interests to some positive use.

A shock podium finish in 3rd from the first race in Vilita suggested Tinni and the Husky had more about them than anyone ever imagined, but a less-than-shocking DNF on the first lap of the follow-up sprint race brought everyone back down to earth with a dose of concrete and crash-barrier reality. Thereafter Tinni and the team, which had become the Eckford Racing Team somewhere down the road, delivered a sublime-to-ridiculous sort of output that mostly featured Tinni Kight driving with zero hazard perception around and around circuits at highly competitive speeds usually ending in a collision and a DNF with the occasional point-scoring return when other drivers and the barriers managed to avoid her for the whole race. By the time the NSGP came to the Valley for the Delte Falls Sprint Event in February, Team Delte (Eckford Racing) was sitting pretty in 6th place in the standings having taken a couple more 3rd place podiums and a bunch of DNFs.

OWARS NSGP Delte Falls Sprint Results

 1 :: Tinni Kight                  [Team Delte]              - +6 Points
 2 :: Olavi Vile Ruusuvuori        [Team Kimi-Suomi]         - +5 Points
 3 :: Khalid Musa                  [Team Eastfield Lodge]    - +4 Points



 4 :: Nathaniel Van De Soubre      [Team Atheara]            - +3 Points
 5 :: Youhei Joho                  [Team Diarcesia]          - +2 Points
 6 :: Indori Volcanasaur           [Team Tropicorp]          - +1 Point
 7 :: Bismillah Untas              [Team Oontaz]             - 
 8 :: Giovanni Paolo               [Team Macbon]             - 
 9 :: Saturn Cosmos                [Team Space]              - 
10 :: Meline Agrakian              [Team Lisander]           - 
11 :: Lilly Nattmordsdottir        [Team Mlima Kijani]       - 
12 :: Brunilda Nespola             [Team Gemmisland]         - 
13 :: Adriana Kowalski Ela Lillian [Team Valentine Z]        - 
14 :: Owars Test Driver            [Team OWARS]              - 
15 :: Tisthe Season                [Team Vilita and Turori]  - DNF

Fastest Lap:  Tinni Kight [Team Delte] +1 Point

Local knowledge proved critical for Tinni even though, according to the River Patrol (that's the Valley equivalent of the police) she had confined most of her racing practice to illegally speeding up and down the T5572 (the main road of the Valley). With no qualifying for the sprint race, start positions were based on the previous feature race in Pyrolissus, Diarcesia where Tinni had managed to finish in the points in 6th, leaving her as a handy third placed starter on her home track, with only Saturn Cosmos and Giovanni Paolo ahead of her on the grid. Exploding out of the blocks and into first place before the first turn at the top of Tessage Rise, she was heard screaming down the intercom for the best part of the first four laps as she opened up an unassailable lead. On the fifth lap in heavy traffic passing through the back of the field she bumped off championship favourite Tisthe Season but a 10-second penalty was not enough for distant followers Ruusuvuori and eventual championship runner-up Khalid Musa to get even a sniff of her smoking behind come the chequered flag.

The first and so far only international race event in Delte ended in a dominant victory for the home racer, nursing a few injured Detic egos back to health after the shocking performance of our pétanque boulers in the face of foreign competition. But any thoughts of a tilt at the NSGP championship were quickly doused as Tinni and the Airfix Dallarma BatRacer Husky rarely got in the points again and managed only one more podium finish in third in the Grand Prix of Rushmore, to finish eigth overall in their debut campaign.

[Delte]

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THE FOOTBALL SEASON IS BACK!
I Mean We've Had 1.5 NS World Cups Since The End Of Last Season, But...

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Things may be moving on double quicktime out there in the Ringworld but down here in the Valley, things couldn't have been slower and Delts have waited since last October in eager anticipation of the new season. Will Oswark Statuettes retain their surprise Friday Night & Saturday Morning Ultra Premier League indoor women’s title? In the inferior men's 11s code, will newly-promoted Oldny FC hold on to their Delte Valley Tuesday Evening & Sunday Lunchtime Super League place as favourites to go straight back down, and speaking of the boing-boing effect, can we expect Askirk Rangers to bounce back from their shock relegation to the Early Closing Wednesday Afternoon Parish Championship?

Let's not forget, of course, the oldest football competition in the Valley - and some say in the Multiverse (no such thing, of course) - The Mixed Nines FA Cup... ah, the Old Glory, as we call her, steeped in nostalgia and full to the very brim of hopeless optimism as the season opens with the preliminary rounds on a windy Tuesday night in Quathskelough, where literally anything can happen. Who's ribbons will be tied to The Old Glory come October, and the final football match of the season to decide who has the Magic of The Cup for 2023?

Finally, there's plenty of promised confusion to come this season with the opening of the inaugural season of Serie-T in direct competition with Mens & Womens codes... no rules, no refs, no hard and fast definitions of what constitutes a goal, pick your own dressing room, play for whichever team you like, and who says it has to be 5, 6, 7, 9, 11 or 17-a-side, anyway? Freeform interpretive football. Maybe there won't even be balls, it depends what the players decide.

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FRIDAY NIGHT & SATURDAY MORNING ULTRA PREMIER LEAGUE
A Preview Of The Best League In The Valley

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Although interest in Men's XIs is on the rise in the valley with the Representative team's recent engagement in the NS World Cup, the most popular code both in terms of participation and spectatorship is certainly the women's indoor 6-a-side game, which is faster, more technical, and better organised. Notable features include no heading or playing above shoulder height (1.5m), unlimited substitutions from a 12-player team, 20-minute halves, continuous play perimeter barriers, timeouts, refereeing from the sideline, sin bins, and four matches every weekend during the season. The Friday Night & Saturday Morning Ultra Premier League is a pyramid system that supports three valley-wide divisions and three or four tiers for each of the six parishes. The top flight is the Ultra Division, won last season by the Oswark Statuettes for the first time in their history.

THE LONG VIEW: Women's football dates back as far as the men's code, at least in the valley, and in the early days was often played as a mixed sport - hence the oldest organised competition being the Mixed Nines FA Cup. With the importation of fútsal from Tamarindia (via Taxhavn) proving a popular new variation in the 1940s, women especially recognised the potential of the fast and skillful small-form game and soon had local leagues attracting more players and more spectators than traditional football. The All-Valley Futsal League was founded in 1953, expanding gradually to the present Ultra Premier League, rebranded in the 1980s. The dominant teams in league era have been Matchbox FC, originally formed of a factory team and based in Oswark where they enjoy the biggest support of any organised team in the valley - in any sport - and Sullenden Sixers. The two teams have won more than half the league titles between them in the 69 organised seasons so far.

2013Oswark Town Futsal
2014Matchbox FC
2015Deltemouth Pacifics
2016Sullenden Sixers
2017Sycamores
2018Deltemouth Pacifics
2019Sullenden Sixers
2020Sullenden Sixers
2021Sullenden Sixers
2022Oswark Statuettes

LAST SEASON: The top prize in Valley football (with the possible exception of the Mixed Nines FA Cup) was won for the first time by Oswark-based Statuettes, who play their home games at the Oswark Parish Advertiser Arena where they share the venue with three other Oswark futsal clubs including the mighty Matchbox FC. Famously connected to the Statue-Makers School in the town, the Statuettes have always been a well-followed and competitive team since their inception in the Seventies, winning both the third tier All-Valley Division and the second-tier Premier Division on their rise to the top; but this is their first title after an unbroken stay of approaching thirty years in the top-flight Ultra Division. Veterans Selma Iske, Selkie de Geer and Ranger Toughmoss were the stars of the show.

2022
Ultra Division Standings

    Team                      P   W   D   L For  Ag  +/-  Pts
  1 Oswark Statuettes        52  34  11   7  97  34  +63  113
  2 Sullenden Sixers         52  27  20   5  88  42  +46  101
  3 Matchbox FC              52  31   8  13  81  46  +35  101
  4 Mountain Hearts          52  21  14  17  64  61   +3   77
  5 Deltemouth Pacifics      52  23   5  24  58  53   +5   74
  6 Ughmirren FFC            52  18  14  20  58  65   -7   68
  7 Oswark Town Futsal       52  17  16  19  48  55   -7   67
  8 FC Spa                   52  15  18  19  54  63   -9   63
  9 Queens                   52  16  13  23  50  60  -10   61
 10 Sycamores                52  14  15  23  45  69  -24   57
 11 Copa Askirk              52  16   8  28  47  70  -23   56
 12 Inter Sark               52  12  19  21  43  67  -24   55
 13 Toroldyn Longhorns       52  12  16  24  46  77  -31   52
 14 Shepherds Inn            52  11  17  24  48  65  -17   50 Relegated

GREAT EXPECTATIONS: Matchbox FC have not won a title in almost a decade and will enter the season as favourites, while their deadly rivals Sullenden Sixers, with all-time superstar Nya Tinnund leading the way, will be looking to regain the crown they surrendered to the Statuettes last season. The reigning champions themselves were a surprise last season, and with their top players all looking a little past prime, they may have peaked now. Ambitious Deltemouth-based Pistacchio FC, newly-promoted and looking to make a mark, could be an outside bet to become the first team since the infamous Rake Teinton All-Star WI team of 1983 to win the title immediately after a first promotion to the top division - let's hope it doesn't turn out like that did...

[Delte]

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DELTE VALLEY TUESDAY EVENING & SUNDAY LUNCHTIME SUPER LEAGUE
A Preview Of The Mens XI Top Tier Football

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THE LONG VIEW: Though distinctly second rate compared to Women's football in the Valley - both technically, and in terms of popularity - the men's XI code has featured a valley-wide league in various guises for over a century, becoming, eventually, the Super League in the 1990s when it became fashionable to over-inflate the standard of the football on offer. Today twelve teams compete in the top men's tier and recently the Deltic FA introduced automatic relegation for the bottom team in the league, with Askirk Rangers becoming the first team to be hit with such ignominy, and managing to do so three times in five seasons as the Valley's first official boing-boing team. This season they start in the lower-tier Early Closing Wednesday Afternoon Parish Championship. Prior to the automatic trapdoor, exit from the league was by secret vote, was usually controversial, and almost always favoured the status quo of no relegation. The traditional giants of the division are the three Oswark teams - Town, United, and Brewery - although Brewery have fallen on harder times and have become something of a mediocre team by their own historic standards, not winning a title since 1991. Town are the most successful side overall with 22 titles, United with 18 and Brewery with 14. Ughmirren FC are a more recent powerhouse, winning three of the last four Super Leagues and hoping for their tenth title overall this season.

2013Oswark Town
2014Oswark United
2015Marshlock Spa FC
2016North Pacific FC
2017Oswark United
2018Sullenden Parish Rovers
2019Ughmirren FC
2020Oswark Town
2021Ughmirren FC
2022Ughmirren FC

LAST SEASON: Last year, with the introduction of NS World Cup football to the valley, there was a distinct uptick in interest in the Super League with some attendances, particularly in Oswark, tipping over 200 spectators. A crunch derby between Town and United broke league records at the end of the season when 418 people passed through the turnstile at Ildemorton Road - Oswark United going down 0-2 to miss out on the title at the last hurdle with Ughmirren securing the championship thanks to a win across town at Oswark Brewery.

Super League Standings 2022

    Team                          P   W  D   L For  Ag  +/- Pts
  1 Ughmirren FC                 22  14  2   6  33  13  +20  44
  2 Oswark United                22  12  5   5  28  19   +9  41
  3 Sullenden Parish Rovers      22  11  5   6  31  24   +7  38
  4 Toddwardine Athletic         22  10  6   6  23  15   +8  36
  5 Oswark Town                  22   9  7   6  23  20   +3  34
  6 Ildemorton                   22   7  9   6  20  16   +4  30
  7 Oswark Brewery SSC           22   8  4  10  17  16   +1  28
  8 Rothwarrodton                22   7  6   9  22  26   -4  27
  9 North Pacific FC             22   7  6   9  29  28   +1  27
 10 Marshlock Spa FC             22   8  1  13  23  32   -9  25
 11 Burye Deltic                 22   6  4  12  18  28  -10  22
 12 Askirk Rangers               22   4  3  15  14  44  -30  15  Relegated

GREAT EXPECTATIONS: Can Ughmirren FC go three-in-a-row to become the first team outside Oswark to achieve such an honour since the mighty Sullenden Parish Rovers team of the 1930s? 'The Pies' will become the sixth team to reach double figures of championships if they take what will be their tenth title overall. Only one team in the Super League has never won a championship before but they'll likely have other goals in mind - can newly-promoted Oldny FC hold on to their Delte Valley Tuesday Evening & Sunday Lunchtime Super League place as favourites to go straight back down, and speaking of the boing-boing effect, can we expect Askirk Rangers to bounce back from their shock relegation to the Early Closing Wednesday Afternoon Parish Championship yet again? Not that it was really a shock - since automatic relegation was introduced they have suffered it in three seasons, achieving promotion each time straight back. Its been a rollercoaster...

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EARLY CLOSING WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON PARISH CHAMPIONSHIP
A Preview Of The Mens XI Lower Tier Football

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THE LONG VIEW: The Early Closing Wednesday Afternoon Parish Championship is the present iteration of the second and third tier Mens' XI code, with two Southern divisions and two Northern. Running since the late twenties under one guise or another, just about every team has won the the lower league title at some point, other than three teams who have never been outside the top division - the three Oswark sides, Town, United, and Brewery. With one team relegated into the Parish Championship each season from the Super League, four teams - the two regional winners and runners-up - compete in a knockout play-off round for the promotion. This season Southern champions Oldny FC were overall winners, defeating Nallery Reds in the play-off final to secure their debut appearance in the top flight. They replace Askirk Rangers, who have been relegated out of the Super League for the third time in the five seasons since relegation was automatic. Naturally they are favourites to win a third promotion back this season.

2018Toroldyn Villa
2019Askirk Rangers
2020Isray Fishers
2021Askirk Rangers
2022Oldny FC

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THE MIXED NINES ASSOCIATION FOOTBALL CUP
A Preview Of The Oldest Cup In The Multiverse

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THE LONG VIEW: Considered the longest-running sports competition in the valley* and possibly the whole ringworld, the competition celebrates its 150th anniversary this season. Whilst played as a mixed-gender 9-a-side, the teams have traditionally been organised by the clubs that were or became the mens XIs clubs, and the history is retained by them. As such, Oswark Town are the most successful team with 21 cup wins in the history of the competition, whilst Oswark United (19), North Pacific FC (15), Ughmirren FC (12) and Sullenden Parish Rovers (11) are the nearest competitors. The cup is both harder and easier to win that the Mens' XI league competitions - with nearly fifty years of additional opportunities to win it, the best team, Oswark Town, have in fact won it less often than the league. At the same time, there are a lot more clubs from lower down the pyramid who have won it, and even won it multiple times. Lye Battalion, the first ever winners and based in the Early Closing Wednesday Afternoon Parish Championship second tier, have won it five times, and Ardkellen Ramblers of the same tier, six times. Tordelden Rovers were the last lower-league team to win it, as recently as 2019. The present holders are Ughmirren FC, who won the league and cup double for the first time in 2022. Only Oswark United (4 times), North Pacific FC (3), Oswark Town (2) and Oswark Brewery (1) have also achieved the elusive double.

2013Ughmirren FC
2014Oswark United (double)
2015Ughmirren FC
2016Smite Bay Deltics
2017Oswark Town
2018Ughmirren FC
2019Tordelden Rovers
2020Oswark United
2021Sullenden Parish Rovers
2022Ughmirren FC (double)

* This is disputed by the Rake Teinton Women's Institute Whist Drive Committee, who claim their drives have been running for at least a decade longer. The Deltic FA argue that whist is hardly a sport, which makes them tremendously unpopular in Rake Teinton.