Campionato Esportiva 34 & Sport. Fest. 2 - Everything Thread

by **Har Yarok** » Sat Jan 07, 2023 12:21 pm

Mammoth win for Green & Blues in sensational CE first

Ha’Yarok have qualified for the CE knockouts for the first time in dramatic fashion after dumping out hosts South Newlandia on the final matchday. A capacity crowd at the Stadium of Friendship had little room for friendship as they cheered on the home side, but were left heartbroken by Smuel Kahn’s late winner for the Green & Blues, which dumped the Elephants out in their home tournament. A disappointingly tame draw against an Acadiana side who they perhaps should have beaten, followed by a more predictable defeat to Natanians and Nosts, left the Green & Blues on the precipice, once more staring at group stage elimination in a tournament in which they have struggled to gain much of a footing, and they needed a win against the Elephants to progress. For South Newlandia a draw would have sufficed, but they showed no signs of playing negative football and had the first chance of the game to draw a good save from Javan Ran.

The veteran Ha’Yaroki captain broke the deadlock in the 16th minute with a fine goal that showed Green & Blues football at its attacking best: a fast counterattack after turning the ball over into midfield, Jaydon Kosmin releasing a long pass down the right flank for Orin Lachman to run on to and hit a dangerous first time cross across the box. Kosmin’s clever dummy fooled the central defenders and, whether or not the backheel he got to the ball was intentional or (as it appeared on replay) perhaps not, it guided the ball perfectly into Kahn’s path to slide in and curl his finish in off the far post. The Elephant Valley crowd were momentarily stunned into silence, but they came roaring back just a minute later as Timothy McCoy and Reid Gomez played a 1–2 into the heart of the Ha’Yaroki defence, ineffectively cleared by Johnathan Poupko, and left-back Leon Mazza charged in to bury the chance and be the (slightly unexpected) hero of the hour.

An hour it was. The South Newlandian team brought with them experience, but also age, and in the second half signs of fatigue began to show as Ha’Yarok attacked relentlessly in search of a second goal. Just as Ha’Yaroki hopes were starting to look bleak, Caleb Sutro won a free-kick from a tired challenge from Mike Sloah. Avidor Speyer fired the free-kick into the box, Zachary Sherman flicked the header on, and Kahn was there with an outstretched boot to just tip the ball past Edward Khan (no relation). The Stadium of Friendship fell silent again, but back in Yamera and Bnei Lodibe, and in the small contingent of Ha’Yaroki fans who’ve made the trip to South Newlandia, the celebrations were ecstatic. The Green & Blues held on for a famous victory, Ran again providing a good save from an in-dipping free-kick that nearly soured the broth, and have been rewarded with a trip to Newport where they will play Cap Nord, who topped Group F with an undefeated record.

Acadiana 0–0 Ha’Yarok

Ha’Yarok 1–2 Natanians and Nosts
Goals: Dusl 37’; Munteanu [R] 49’, da Silva 80’

South Newlandia 1–2 Ha’Yarok
Goals: Mazza 17’; Kahn 16’, 78’

by **Nova Anglican Admin Zone of Esportiva** » Sat Jan 07, 2023 12:39 pm

Football papers over poor play with 5-0 pasting of Vielfaltig

1-0-2 isn't exactly how the national football team thought they might begin their Campionato Esportiva 34 campaign. They hadn't exactly harbored hopes of winning their group, but two losses in three games was unacceptable, especially the 3-0 loss to Cheetahs and Reptiles Coalision. They didn't exactly cover themselves with glory in their next game, a 2-2 draw with Ancherion.

The Lions have clashed fairly often, it seems, with Ancherion, sometimes getting the better of them and sometimes not. In this game, the Lions blew leads of 1-0 and 2-1, seemingly unable to put together a consistent stretch of football. There were flashes, such as Sara Harper's excellent through ball onto the boot of Rosalie Grenier, who poked it past the Ancherion keeper in just the sixth minute. But in the 24th minute, it was Ancherion's turn to strike, with a long ball intended for Maria Nichols going awry and the Ancherites recovering the ball. Some careful buildup and a key stumble by Lila Hale left a gaping hole in the defense and Ancherion took advantage, with an unmarked player beating Karla Craig to the near post to tie the game. Similarly in the second half, the Lions got an early goal from Maggie Shelton, but lost focus in the 80th minute and a poor challenge by Amelie Chabot led to a free kick from a dangerous angle and a tying goal. The Lions had won the possession, shots, and passes completed battles, but lapses in concentration meant they could only extract one point from this key match.

Going into the game with Vielfaltig, the Lions and their opponents had had similar Campionatos up until that point. Both at 1-1-2, both with negative goal differentials, both with a chance to qualify as one of the best third-placed teams. Everything would come to down to this. The Lions' run of play hadn't exactly inspired confidence, but their opponents weren't world-beaters either. Just a chance to pretend that no other games mattered. A fresh start. And boy, did they deliver. The Lions came out of the gates as if they were starving for goals and a victory. Sara Harper in the 9th, Maria Nichols in the 20th, Liz Pope in the 35th, and all of a sudden, the game was practically over. The wind had been knocked out of the Vielfaltig team. They would not recover and reserves Lea-Rose Baril and Caroline Clements would tack on goals in the second half, the latter on a penalty shot. 5-0 does a lot to make a team feel on top of the world.

The Lions managed to scrape through and will face Natanians and Nosts. N&N and the Lions have gotten very acquainted with one another over the past several Campionatos, with Campionato Esportiva 29 seeing a 3-2 Lions win to break a streak of many winless games in a row, CE 30 playing host to a game where the Lions blasted N&N 3-0 with PM Josephine Clark in attendance, and CE 33 actually having two matches, a 4-1 N&N group stage win and a 3-3 (3-3 AET, 5-4 pen.) victory for the same team in the quarterfinals. There is a lot of history, and a lot of close, back-and-forth, even nasty history between the two teams. The Lions would love to rout N&N just like they routed Vielfaltig here, but one good game (or two, if you count the sloppy 2-0 win over Lozho) does not make them locks to advance to the quarterfinals. They'll have to keep their focus and channel their emotions into brilliant play instead of aggressive tackles and unsubtle elbows.

Baseball team continues strong pitching as group stage wraps up

In the Lions' third game of the Baseball Trophy, they got seven strong innings from their starter, but saw their bullpen crash and burn, surrendering six runs in an eventual 7-1 loss. Determined to avoid that situation, the Lions have tossed back-to-back shutouts in wins over the Licentian Isles and Kalush, working their way to a 4-1 record and a bye into the semifinals of the competition. The team still has to win two games to try to claim the title, but they are in a good spot.

Xavier Beaulieu was the starter in game four against the Licentian Isles and pitched very well, even when his team didn't seem capable of supporting him at the bat. He used his curveball to rack up seven strikeouts through six innings, but was lifted in the seventh for a pinch-hitter. The team led just 1-0 going into the seventh, courtesy of a Mitch Baird RBI single, so with two outs and two runners on, manager Rick McDonald wasn't about to let a prime run-scoring opportunity go by. Reserve outfielder Brant Finley came on and knocked an RBI single into left field, scoring left fielder Robbie Overton. Shortstop Christopher Larsen followed with a two-run double to score Finley and center fielder Nick Sheridan, making it 4-0. With a bit of room, Mark Quinn and Darren Powell had the ability to pitch a bit loose, and maintained their composure, shutting down the Licentians in the seventh and eighth innings. During the ninth, the Lions forced three Isles relievers to take the mound, picking up three walks and six hits, batting around and scoring six runs in the inning. Edouard Martel, pinch-hitting, and right fielder Alex Kaplan, with his first hit of the night, had the big blows, each smashing two-RBI doubles. With a 10-0 lead, it was no problem for Evan McCormick to set down the side in order to complete the shutout victory.

In the final game, the Lions faced Kalush, a newcomer to Esportivan and perhaps multiversal baseball as well. Kalush had managed a respectable 2-2 record, with wins over the Fhulghamous Peninsula and Licentian Isles, and close losses to Le Choix and Super-Llamaland. They would maintain that close-game spirit against the Lions, with their starter heroically going seven innings, and despite frequent traffic on the basepaths, only allowing one run. They managed this by inducing three double plays and walking just two batters, despite striking out only four. Casey Flynn, the first baseman, had led off with a solo home run in the second, but otherwise, the Lions were unable to draw any blood. Keeping the Lions alive was fifth starter Matt Fuller. Fuller has a blazing fastball, but has struggled with control in the past. In this game, he was excellent. He walked single batters in the second and fifth innings, but otherwise permitted no baserunners and struck out six in his six innings of work. He was lifted in the bottom of the sixth for a pinch-hitter as the Lions threatened to add to their lead. Fuller was understandably unhappy about being taken out of a no-hitter, and Rick McDonald didn't exactly sound happy about it after the game, but he justified it, saying, "Matt was pitching well, but we had to take advantage of the opportunity. We can't assume a 1-0 lead will stand up." Guillaume Saint-Cyr took care of three Kalush lefties in the seventh, and Colin McGregor got two outs in the eighth before losing the no-hitter on a dying quail to right, but he and Conrad Coleman effectively slammed the door on any Kalush hopes. The game finished 1-0 and the Lions were on top of the group.

They'll get to rest before taking on the winner of South Newlandia-Le Choix. The Lions would understandably prefer to face the weaker Le Choix side rather than the literal team that won the last World Baseball Classic. It doesn't look likely, but if the Choughs of Hannasea could upset the Elephants, perhaps Le Choix, or even Nova Anglicana, can as well. Whichever team emerges will face Dave Caldwell, who gave up two runs in seven innings to a good Super-Llamaland team. The starting rotation, in fact, pitched 33 innings and surrendered just four runs, for a minuscule ERA of 1.09. The Lions will hope that they can ride their strong arms to the championship, as the offense has managed a healthy run-scoring average, if not exceptional. They probably have the best chance of any team of claiming some hardware here.

Basketball squad slops way to playoff appearance

The basketball team certainly felt high and mighty after blasting overmatched teams in Kalush and Neomaris, along with a strong win over well-regarded South Newlandia. That confidence was destroyed in their fourth game, an astounding 90-60 loss to the Fhulghamous Peninsula. The Lions turned the ball over six times in their first ten possessions, missed their other four shots, and found themselves down 14-0 before they could blink. Under that kind of game pressure, they came apart at the seams. They trailed 21-4 and 33-10 even before point guard Brad Gray got hurt trying to defend his 6'7 opposite number Xalbador Bidarte. The team had thirteen turnovers by halftime, and faced a 44-20 halftime deficit. Reserve guard Jake Hamilton was just not up to the task, and without their 1-2-2 press working, they couldn't force turnovers to get back in the game. The Colonists opened the second half on a 17-5 run, peaking at 61-26. All but the staunchest of Lions fans fled the stadium, and although the Lions' reserves got valuable playing time and Chris McLaughlin even scored 10 second-half points, they were thoroughly dismantled. Lyle Montgomery, head coach, said, "We just got outmatched by a veteran team. They put pressure on us and we didn't have the composure to handle it and respond well. We'll be ready for the Licentian Isles."

"Ready" is a subjective term. Without Brad Gray, whose high ankle sprain will keep him out for the rest of the tournament, the team didn't seem composed at the beginning of the game. Usual shooting guard Justin Craig handled point guard duties and multi-talented Ricky Hunter joined the starting lineup, but the Lions ended the first quarter down 16-14 to the Islanders. They hadn't gotten their feet under them yet. They struggled to a 34-32 halftime lead, but nobody felt good about it. Craig had four turnovers and the team was shooting under 40% for the game. Ricky Hunter, who had played so well in the second half against South Newlandia, again showed up, nailing two 3-pointers and making several key layups on his way to 12 second-half points and leading the team. They extended the lead to 58-48 after three quarter, but the Licentians just wouldn't go away. The Lions needed a 4-4 performance from the free throw line from Max Carpenter in the final minutes to pull out a 74-67 victory.

After these two disheartening games, the Lions will play in the opening playoff round against Katterimunk. Fortunately for them, Katterimunk do not look to be too much of a threat. Just 1-3 going into the final game, they blasted Esportivan Darmen by 30 points to emerge with the third-place spot in Group B. But perhaps they are not to be underestimated. With the Lions under strength, and Katterimunk having only lost their three games by a combined twenty-seven points, very competitive, there's room for a surprise. Tariq Khan and Jack Dawn have twenty-point games to their credit, and the smaller Katteri lineup might be more of a match for the small-ball Lions than a taller team. Whoever wins will play Hannasea, probably the best team in the multiverse other than the #1-ranked Lions senior team. The bad loss has condemned the Lions to the hard road, but they still have a shot at victory if they dig deep.

Field hockey gains valuable experience in Esportiva

Coming into the 2nd Esportivan Sporting Festival, precisely nobody expected the Nova Anglican field hockey team to make much noise in the competition. And precisely everyone was right, as the inexperienced side managed just one victory, over the even more hapless Licentian Isles team, who failed to win a single game. Halfway through the tournament, the Lions were 0-3, having squandered an opportunity at a win or draw in a 2-1 loss to Neomaris, along with larger losses to more experienced sides. The offense had managed just 4 goals while conceding 13, but exploded in their fourth game against the Licentian Isles. Gwen Barber and Kelly Wise combined for 5 goals between them, leading the team to the 8-5 win. The team was notably enthusiastic, with several players spotted in Elephant Town's late-night museum district following the game. However, it didn't carry over to their final game against unheralded Kings Park. The tiny dependency of Lozho matched the Lions' 1-3 record coming into the match, but jumped out to an early 2-0 lead, led 3-1 at the half, and held on for the 4-2 win.

Despite their poor performance, head coach Warren Larson was not unhappy with his team. "Obviously, we could have played better, and I think the game against Neomaris especially was a missed opportunity. But overall, this team is young and hasn't competed much against international foes, so it was a good learning experience." Larson hopes to return to another Sporting Festival and show the region how Nova Anglican field hockey has improved: "The next time they see us, I think we'll be more than some teams can handle."

Rugby sevens team flops, but survives

A 3-0-0 start couldn't have been better for the rugby sevens team. The Lions had smashed Natanians and Nosts, Le Choix, and the Fhulghamous Peninsula by a combined score of 122-19, sitting atop Group A and feeling mighty fine about themselves. That all came crashing down in the team's final two games against The Shambia and South Newlandia. Head coach Denís Ferrer had promoted captain Will Greenlee to conversion-taker following fly-half Graham Fredericks' 55% rate in the previous three games. His misses hadn't mattered much in blowout wins, but they might if the Lions faced closer matches. However, Greenlee proved to be even worse than Fredericks in a small sample size, making just one of three conversions. Those missed conversions would prove to be crucial, as the Lions led 17-14 late in the second half, but conceded a late try to Adam Lutangu, putting The Shambia up 19-17, the final score. Elijah Mbambo missed his conversion, which didn't end up mattering, but might well have. Had Greenlee made either or both of his missed conversions, then the Lions might have escaped with a 19-19 draw or even a 21-19 victory.

The loss to the team that only brought seven players and of whom Shambian media expected little sent shockwaves through the Nova Anglican squad. Unfortunately, those shockwaves carried over into the crucial game against South Newlandia. As the Lions were fumbling their way to a loss, the Elephants eased by Le Choix, 24-14, putting them at 4-0-0 and in the drivers' seat for the playoffs. If the Lions could win, they might be able to force a 4-0-1 three-way tie with The Shambia and emerge in first due to their impressive point differential. But this was not to pass; the Elephants scored twice to the Lions' once in the first half, and they made both their conversions, while Greenlee missed his. Thus, the Lions put themselves in a 14-5 hole that they would fail to climb out of. Michael Monteiro extended the lead to 21-5, and Axel Schmitt made it 26-5. Reserve fly-half Guillaume Pouliot would nail both of his conversions after his and Francois Laferrière's late tries, but it was too little, too late. Even worse, The Shambia would rout the Fhulghamous Peninsula to snag the #2 spot and bump the Lions down to third place.

Now, the Lions will need to win three games, beginning with 4-0-1 Neomaris in the first playoff round. The Neomarisians, for an amateur side, have performed very well. Following what could have been a demoralising 49-7 opening defeat to Esportivan Darmen, the debutantes reeled off four straight wins, including routing Cap Nord 45-7 and Kings Park 33-5. They will not have faced a team of the Lions' caliber before, a team who has played in multiple other international sevens competitions and even ranked very highly in the world once upon a time, but one never knows. Nobody would have pegged the Lions as loser to The Shambia, but they dropped that game. They will need to find some anger at dropping down to third place in the group and unleash it, as well as a functioning conversion-taker, to overcome Neomaris and get a second shot at South Newlandia.

by **Tumbra** » Sat Jan 07, 2023 12:40 pm

Boring Paradise 0-2 Tumbra

TMB (4-3-3): 1 - R Brennan; 2 - H Willoughby, 20 - L Pearson (14 - C Bond, 72'), 4 - S Kerr (5 - B Proudfoot, 79'), 19 - J Larkin; 15 - A Hewitt, 16 - C Maguire, 25 - W Thomas (8 - V Hicks, 79'); 7 - I McDermott (17 - R Haines, 72'), 9 - J Hardaker; 22 - H Canavan (26 - G Deighton, 82')

TMB scorers: H Canavan (8'), I McDermott (12')

Player of the Match: Heidi Canavan [TMB]

Never Too Old: Rumours surge that Robin Vaughn could be considering walking back international retirement

LAKEWOOD: Most Tumbrans don't enjoy talking about World Cup 92. To supporters of the Black Eagles, what transpired during the World Cup was less about the festivities that saw Zwangzug win its first World Cup, and more the disappointment of crashing out of a group stage that should have been easy pickings en route to matching — or even bettering — the country's magical run to the semi-finals during World Cup 91. The competition was meant to be a farewell to those who'd brought Tumbra from footballing minnow to footballing powerhouse; the generation of Craig McGrath, Harry Henderson, and the like.

And, it was initially assumed, Robin Vaughn.

The country's most-capped and highest goalscorer would play a bit part as Tumbra limped to draws against Baker Park and Nephara, while he would be, in a shock performance, be largely invisible in the deciding game against TJUN-ia. He would end up being substituted off minutes before the end, his effort spent, as Tumbra would continue desperately searching for a goal. The goal would never come. Vaughn, who had announced his international retirement before the World Cup having seemingly thought that the country's national team would be in a good place before he handed the armband off to Trudy Harrison, would end his time in black with not a bang, but a whimper. An ignominious end to a storied career.

Now, if the rumours are true, he could be considering walking it back.

The announcement by the World Cup Committee to award the hosting rights of the 93rd World Cup to Tumbra and Chromatika was what seemingly presaged his cryptic comments on walking back his retirement made on Friday, on the eve of Tumbra's final Campionato Esportiva group stage game against Boring Paradise. The comments dominated social media over the weekend — overshadowing what turned out to be a routine, if slightly unexciting, 2-0 victory over the Paradisians in which the game was wrapped up in twelve minutes — and was the topic of hot discussion during most sports segments as well, seemingly elbowing out previews of an exciting game against Katterimunk. Was it more of a lack of excitement in the proceedings of the Campionato, given that the nation's seemingly everlasting love affair with the beautiful game had tempered itself somewhat following the elimination in Vilita? Or was it just a nation hungering for the return of an icon, one whose story never really felt finished with that unsatisfying full stop against the Jaguars? It could be either.

For his part, Tumbra manager Yuan Zilai was reluctant to address the issue following the Boring Paradise game — but he did indicate that he would be open to selecting Vaughn for the national team should he perform "well." There have been rumours — albeit unsubstantiated — that Vaughn's retirement was not really wanted by the player himself, nor Yuan, but ultimately Vaughn decided on doing so because "the time was about right." Since then, several players close to Vaughn have been instrumental in attempting to convince him to unretire, including former teammates Phil Cole, Ian Ashburn, and Neil Fraser, alongside national team colleagues Vincent Hicks, and retired goalkeeper John Lennon.

Whether Vaughn officially unretires and puts on the black kit once more for what will truly be his final chapter with the national team, nobody really knows. But a door that almost everyone thought had shut is now slightly open once more, and the Black Army can begin to dream again.

by **Hannasea** » Sat Jan 07, 2023 12:53 pm

Butterfly City Mercury
Black Butterflies defy laws of football, science, human nature to top qualifying

Hannasea’s hateball team, once routinely ranked among the worst in the region, will enter the CE playoffs for only the second time ever, and do so as a totally unprecedented #2 seed, after their final matchday defeat of The Licentian Isles confirmed a perfect qualifying record of played 5, won 5. More than half of all the victories ever won by the team in a decade of footballing history have occurred in this last month in South Newlandia. The win propels them into the Round of 16 to play Robostania and, though it could be admitted they benefitted from being drawn into one of the weaker groups, their tidy play and commitment despite absolutely hating soccer has to be commended.

Hannasea’s win against the Cyan-and-Golds came on the back of a tense victory over The Five United Clans, who played with the desperate throbbing urgency of a team used to mounting insurgent battles. A rough-and-tumble game did not suit the Hannasean style at all, though Remi Gray wasn’t complaining when presented with an opportunity to score from the sport after being mangled in a clumsy challenge. Tempers sparked throughout the game (The Hannasean Federation’s support of the Tumbran operation in the Northlands perhaps the proximate cause) and eventually led to an all out shoving match that saw Aisha Connell rather sully the historic moment of being the first black woman to represent the Black Butterflies by moments later being the first Black Butterfly ever to receive a red card in international play.

The game against The Licentian Isles started badly, with Anne-Linde van Oers hitting the post in the opening minute, and went downhill from there as Mitch Louws charged in and struck in the rebound with a bullet strike that gave Natasha Green no chance despite her excellent form to date. Gianna Espinoza and Mikayla Ross played well to develop chances on the left wing, however, and despite some poor finishing from Emma Terrell, a goal could not be far away, eventually coming through Remi Gray, continuing her hot goal scoring streak. After feeding Terrell, who had already missed twice, she took it on herself and thrashed a sharp finish low past Aimil MacGowan.

The winner came in the second half, when Terrell’s free-kick forced a fine save from MacGowan, bundled out for a corner; from the resulting corner, Kelssek-based Karina Wilkinson got free to a head in the second. It was an uncharacteristic goal for a team not known for its towering size at set pieces, but then, this is a new year. The Hannasean Federation has a new Grand Warden. A new currency is being traded on the markets on the streets. And, seemingly, a new energy runs through this Black Butterfly side.

The Five United Clans* 0–1 The Hannasean Federation
Goals: ; R. Gray 23’ (pen.)
Red cards: Mackenzie 74’; Connell 74’

The Hannasean Federation 2–1 The Licentian Isles*
Goals: R. Gray 22’, Wilkinson 55’; Louws 1’

** Assuming same Five United Clans and Licentian Isles teams from last roster.

by **South Newlandia** » Sat Jan 07, 2023 1:03 pm

Cutoff for the Round of 16 and Sporting Festival Playoff Round!

If you notice any mistakes, please alert me ASAP!

Campionato Esportiva 34

Esportivan Baseball Trophy II

Playoff Round:

A2 South Newlandia vs. B3 Le Choix

Le Choix               1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0  1
South Newlandia        0 0 4 0 6 0 3 0 X 13

B2 Super-Llamaland vs. A3 Ha'Yarok

Ha'Yarok               0 4 0 0 1 0 0 0 0  5
Super-Llamaland        0 0 0 0 0 0 2 1 0  3

Semifinals:

B1 Nova Anglican Admin Zone of Esportiva vs. A2 South Newlandia
@Seaside Park, Walstreim

A1 The Hannasean Federation vs. A3 Ha'Yarok
@Elephant Stadium, Elephant Valley

Esportivan Basketball Trophy II

Esportivan Field Hockey Trophy

Esportivan Handball Trophy

Esportivan Rugby Sevens Trophy

by **Tumbra** » Sun Jan 08, 2023 12:19 pm

Tumbra 1-0 Katterimunk

TMB (4-2-3-1): 1 - R Brennan; 2 - S Kemp, 14 - C Bond (24 - G Steel, 75'), 5 - S Kerr, 19 - J Larkin (3 - T Mercurio, 75'); 6 - T Harrison (15 - A Hewitt, 82'), 8 - V Hicks, 10 - N Coleman (23 - S Knight, 68'); 17 - R Haines, 9 - J Hardaker; 11 - C Henshaw

TMB scorers: Julie Hardaker (90' + 1')

Player of the Match: Vincent Hicks [TMB]

Published in the magazine The Humanist.

Football in Tumbra has a western problem. Though, to be fair to the sport, so does almost everything else.

STRATON: Ask anyone living in the western half of Tumbra — most would draw that line as anything west of Nantwich, though an academic study really places the line west of the Brigham Hills Shopping Centre in Readale, Gamaliel — and they'll say the region has a unique charm. It's more laid back than the east; it's less fast-paced, people generally look happier here, and the landscape is generally more beautiful. Yet that does obscure some of the more deep-seated problems with the region. In almost every census metric, the states usually associated with the west lag behind in most quality-of-life and economic ones. Life expectancy, on average, is nearly five years behind that of the east; the median take-home pay is usually somewhat lower, and so on. When the relative outlier of Bencoolen is removed from the equation, however, things only get worse for the rest of them. It's no wonder that people seem to be fleeing the region for economic opportunities in the east. After all, almost every multinational conglomerate in the country is based either in Couno, the Serrapince-Straton agglomeration, Kingsbury, Lakewood or Hesham; the west, despite the federal government's best efforts to entice more businesses to establish themselves there and reduce the yawning regional inequality, has still been falling behind.

And why is this so? Some point to worse connectivity — the west is by far less dense than the east, and population centres, more often than not, are spread out further than those in the east. Some point to history — the west has by far been historically more reluctant to surrender its power to the federal government, scarred by experiences during Empire that have essentially burnished themselves into the culture of the region. And yet others just point to that same laid-back culture the West holds so dear, which translated into lower economic productivity and so on. The last one of these has been a source of major academic conflict; Dr. Jacinta Moon's 1986 monograph The Myth of the Lazy Westerner has largely put that image to rest, however.

The problem of unequal wealth distribution, interestingly enough, has also manifested itself in other ways — chiefly, football. This image of the 20 teams taking part in the Tumbran Football Division highlights just how stark the regional differences in football present themselves. Only five clubs ply their trade west of Nantwich; and, discounting Macarthur, who make their home in the fourth richest state in the federal republic, Georgia, that number drops to four.

These four clubs aren't exactly swimming in success, either. Bencoolen, Sturrey and Colbrook are perpetually attempting to stave off relegation, while Ridgewell is a well-established midtable side. The last time a Premiership winner came from the west was in 1981, when Fontwell tackled the rest of the league en route to a heavily disputed title amidst allegations of doping. Since then, every Prem winner has come from the east of the country. In today's money-driven football world, where adding a touch of foreign talent is often considered key to even surviving in the league, the western clubs' collective lack of resources is often detrimental to developing their edge further. The lack of attractiveness can often turn off foreign investors — when Henza Architecture decided to expand into Tumbra, the club they decided to buy, Newark Argyle, fit the bill for almost everything an investor would want out of a club. It was cheap (thanks to it being in a lower tier), it had good facilities that could be steadily improved, transportation links, good corporate governance even before the takeover, and so on. It had also aggressively marketed itself to foreign investors, positioning itself as a field ripe for improvement once the next Helmuth Kerner (the Kotzellachian owner of Bencoolen City) stepped in to develop a club. And the team have improved greatly, breaking into the Prem (albeit with some teething issues).

Football may not be a be-all, end-all way of viewing the world — at least, not to some people — but when society's inequalities manifest themselves at even this high of a level, there is a cause for concern. With the sport being even more capitalist than the regular market, however, there's virtually no way to step in and regulate it. But when the western problem in football is viewed as a symptom of a greater economic problem, then perhaps there is hope that this ever-growing gap will close. Should, of course, the correct solutions be put in place.

by **Sylestone** » Sun Jan 08, 2023 8:48 pm

Sylestone (4-4-1-1): Fuller; Holt (Ironing Board 76’ ( 118’)) - Mornington - Hand Sanitiser - Dishwasher; Henling (Stanton 87’) - Rodway ( 98’) - Brown (Bar Stool 90+2’) - Jones (Fridge 76’); Fleetwood (Keyes 76’ ( 111’)); Hightower (Tumble Dryer 115’)

Brenecia (4-3-3): Corder; Culpepper - Shrine - Kellen (Fitz 90+4’) - Sidle ( 20’) (Hadley 85’); Byrne (Carpenter 68’ ( 98’)) - Conway (Covolan 113’) - Briggs ( 81’) - Wake; Stokes (Baker 68’) - Lofthouse (Tristam 90+4’)

Sweat dripped down Hugo Mornington’s brow as he positioned the ball on the spot, taking an eternity to ensure it was positioned perfectly, much to the frustration of Brenecian goalkeeper Phoebe Corder, obviously eager to do her bit in keeping the five-time regional champions alive and avoid a shock exit from the Campionato Esportiva after a rather disappointing group stage result. The shotstopper had done her best throughout the shootout, saving two of Mornington’s teammates shots, but there was little doubt that in the end, Georgina Fuller had one-upped her. Despite all six Brenecian penalty takers hitting the target, only three of them could also hit the back of the net, with Fuller reading the rest perfectly and never looking uncomfortable against them, holding onto each of the shots as if her life depended on it.

Throughout the game, Fuller was instrumental in cleaning up at the back, making two excellent saves to stop Brenecia from taking a 2-1 lead late in the second half. If it weren’t for Gemma Rodway’s work ethic in the midfield, the player of the match award would have undoubtedly fallen to her in the post-match ceremony, although the party animal aspect of the 25-year-old would have much rather hung around to quietly celebrate one of the nation’s most impressive triumphs. Quietly, because if Mojmir Anac heard anything too loud or against the strict rules he had set for the tournament and while he hadn’t openly said it, he was not against sending players home early to teach them a lesson. Having only retired a few years back with memories of his playing days still fresh, he seemed to understand the want for celebration following a monumental victory and occasionally turned a blind eye, but if things began to get out of hand, everyone was clear that punishment would be swift.

And while players might’ve been tempted to fall foul of the Mytanar’s rules after Mornington sent Corder the wrong way to seal quarterfinal progression, they knew that the stakes were too high. There was nothing a Sylestonean wanted more than to have another go at Tumbra - the only side to beat them thus far in the Campionato - and that was back on matchday one. Since then, they’d slaughtered Gouvanarch and Macbon and now, had sent the second-ranked Esportivan side packing after a successful penalty shootout.

However, it was through no small chunk of luck that the Sentients qualified. Brenecia dominated the game and possession - something that Anac doesn’t necessarily mind - but they did this in a way that prevented Alyssa Hightower, Rose Fleetwood and their substitutes from forming a counter, by ensuring that they still had numbers back in case they lost the ball while pressing. Although the Patriots opened the scoring just before the half hour mark kudos to Maerhen Wake’s finishing touch, they could not stop Alyssa Hightower’s run in behind from a Raphael Brown set piece, leaving Athelney Shrine in her wake and Phoebe Corder with no hope at all as she chipped the Brenecian goalkeeper. Although multiple defenders were appealing for offside, the call was not forthcoming with reviews showing that the 31-year-old had timed her run to perfection, sending the blue and orange section of the stands into raptures.

Following the interval that almost directly succeeded Sylestone’s equaliser, the Patriots came out of the blocks firing, but through skilful defence and no small share of determination, the score remained level as the sixty-minute mark came and went. With Brenecia’s strangle on the game diminishing with every passing moment, the match entered a phase of tussle, with neither side able to take much advantage of the other, all the way until the dying moments of regular time, when Fuller was forced into a brilliant double save, twice denying the fresh legs of Siobhan Baker to take the game to extra time.

As if their hopes rested on a victory inside ninety minutes, Brenecia never seemed to dominate following that point. As extra time loomed, the Sentients began to gradually claw themselves in front of the game, beginning to cause more and more troubles for their opponents’ weary back line. However, despite the efforts of Cameron Keyes, Alyssa Hightower and her substitute, the Tumble Dryer, Corder remained strong between the sticks to take the game right to the death.

For the first time since the 78th Cup of Harmony - over twelve years ago - the Sentients had to partake in a penalty shootout. Back then, Sylestone emerged triumphant over co-hosts Ethane in the round of 32, the first knockout round. In fact, with Sylestone’s 1-1 draw with Tequilo resulting in a 5-4 penalty shootout win way back in the Miko Sarzo Memorial Trophy following the nation’s first World Cup foray, the Sentients had the enviable record of never losing on penalties.

And thanks to the sweat-ridden body of Hugo Mornington, that record would stay intact, as the nation’s shootout record improved to three progressions from three. With effectively four wins on the bounce - including one by three goals, another by six and a third against Brenecia - the only remaining question was just how far could this team go?

But there was one problem.

A quarterfinal against Tumbra.

Sylestone 1-1 (4-3 pen.) Brenecia
                               Hightower 45+2'                      Wake 28’

Starting Lineup vs Tumbra @ Walstreim Park, Walstreim

Fuller; Holt - Mornington - Hand Sanitiser - Dishwasher; Henling - Rodway - Brown - Jones; Fleetwood; Hightower

Schedule:

Matchday One: Sylestone 0-2 Tumbra @ Kinetik Stadium, New Colk, South Newlandia
Matchday Two: Sylestone 0-0 Racing @ Kinetik Stadium, New Colk, South Newlandia
Matchday Three: Sylestone 1-0 Boring Paradise @ Kinetik Stadium, New Colk, South Newlandia
Matchday Four: Sylestone 4-1 Gouvanarch @ Kinetik Stadium, New Colk,
South Newlandia
Matchday Five: Sylestone 8-2 Macbon @ Kinetik Stadium, New Colk, South Newlandia
Round of 16: Sylestone 1-1 Brenecia (4-3 pen) @ EsportivArena, Newport, South Newlandia
Quarterfinal: Sylestone - Tumbra @ Walstreim Park, Walstreim, South Newlandia

by **Lozho** » Mon Jan 09, 2023 9:34 am

"You what?" Raj asked angrily. "Now you're just making shit up. Get out of here and leave me alone."

"Really? I'm surprised. I thought the choice between going to jail and certainly ruining your reputation and a small chance of hosting a subpar hockey competition and slightly ruining your reputation was obvious. But I guess I don't really know you." Sonzha sheepishly replied, as he munched on a tomato puff. "Mmm, this IS good! No wonder you come here all the time."

"And even if these allegations you're peddling are true, what makes you so sure charges would even be pressed? I mean, the whole city is built like this. Not just my luxury shacks. They can't arrest every property developer in town." Raj scoffed.

"Oh, of course, the Lozhoan authorities wouldn't give a crap for everyone else. But you're special!" Sonzha chuckled. "You're organising a football tournament in honour of the President of the Loddamn United States. It would be pretty embarrassing for him and our government to be seen throwing money at a dirty criminal like you, especially after last time. Don't you remember what they did to those Jerry and Bartholozew fellas you shafted? Do you even know where they are now? You could end up sharing a cell with them in Guanobamano Bay for all you know. Are you ready to take that risk?"

Raj paused. He pondered. He slumped into his seat and sighed. "Okay then. If, hypothetically, this is true, why should I accept this offer? I'm submitting myself to being your bitch for all of eternity, and who's to say someone else won't find out about these supposed property purchases by certain Obaman-based crime families? If anything, going to jail sounds preferable to being blackmailed by you."

"Here's your real issue: your negative attitude! Don't think of it as being my bitch. Think of it as me guiding you to do things to benefit both of us! When you do things like vindictively vote against my Assembly of Esportiva bills, or not introduce a teeny weeny hockey element into your competition, you don't realise that you're hurting yourself too! It's time to grow up and realise that we can achieve great things together!" Sonzha extended his hand out. "Shake on it and we can make a shit ton of money."

Raj looked at Sonzha's grubby hand, which was full of crumbs from his tomato puff. "Let me think about it. This is a big decision."

"You have to do it now. It's like you said, right? Setting up a hockey tournament in 2 weeks is a big ask, so all this dilly-dallying will only make you more stressed out." Sonzha waved his hand at Raj.

Raj furrowed his brows. Something was off. "Take off your clothes."

"Excuse me?"

"Prove to me that you're not setting me up you slimy bastard. Take off your clothes so I can see if you're wearing a wire."

"You're SO paranoid. It's weird, man."

"Well, deal's off then. If I can't trus-"

"You know what? Fine, go home and think about it. You clearly have some issues. But when you realise that I'm NOT tricking you into going to jail and only tricking you into working for me so that you won't go to jail, give me a call. I'm outta here." Sonzha walked out, as Raj inspected the room's walls for any bugs.

by **Fhulghamous Peninsula** » Mon Jan 09, 2023 11:26 am

DISCLAIMER: Gaelic Gamers is an independents sports blogging website created by four cousins with a common liking and passion for sports of all kinds and is in no way or form affiliated with or organized by any official news organization in the Democratic Republic of Abanhfleft. All statements and opinions posted here are our own and not anyone else's.

Gaelic Gamers
Presents...

The Football Fallacies
with The Man from Markovsky

AGAIN WITH THE ROUND OF 16 ELIMINATION!

Hello and welcome to The Football Fallacies. Right, so who could have seen this coming, huh? Who could have seen this coming? Me, that’s who! Just when the Fhulghamous Peninsula finally managed to win their group in the Campionato Esportiva, the Round of 16 curse just had to rear its ugly head again and make a victim out of the Colonists! Yeah, this lot may have their own football association as far as both the NSWC and the Esportivan union of football associations (I don’t know what they’re really called so I put everything except “Esportivan” in lowercase letters because I don’t want to get vibe-checked in my own comments section), but as far as the football gods are concerned, since the Fhulghamous is a colony of Abanhfleft, they are a part of Abanhfleft; ergo, they are Abanhfleft and therefore their people must go through the same pain that their colonizers go through in (almost) every football competition. And it’s not just the Round of 16 curse that hit the Peninsula right in the gut; the own goal curse also got in a few licks of its own against the Colonists. Or more accurately, the own goal curse got in one lick that went straight for the jugular of the Fhulghamous, and now it’s game over for the Peninsula in the Campionato Esportiva. The only Fhulghamousian team left alive in the 2nd Esportivan Sporting Festival is the basketball team, and I have literally no idea how they managed to pull that off. For more on that, feel free to head on to David Norton’s part of Gaelic Gamers.

Before we get far ahead of ourselves though, let’s take a moment to recognize that this isn’t another Nilrahrarfan moment for the Fhulghamous. At least Zeta Reka and Hugeltaldom are actually a football powerhouse in Esportiva, even if they arrived at the scene later than we did. I mean, they’re the fourth best football team in Esportiva, for crying out loud! That being said, they sure didn’t look like the fourth best team in the region when they barely powered through the group stage with a 2-2-1 win-draw-loss record. I mean, yeah, you could see why they’re fourth best in Espotiva in short bursts here and there, but the fact remains that it still took one of the Fhulghamous’s own players to put the ball into the back of his own net for Zeta Reka and whatever to squeeze past the Peninsula into the quarterfinals! Look at the bloody statistics, guys! They don’t lie! ZRH had only eight shots on goal, and only one of them was on target. Meanwhile, the Fhulghamous had 19 shots on goal and seven of them were on target! Seven! If the ZRH goalkeeper hadn’t been playing the game of his life in this one, I’m pretty sure the Colonists would have been moving on into the quarterfinals themselves no problem. Anselmo Iñiguez and Julian Elvira and everyone else have nobody to blame but themselves for not bringing their shooting boots to this particular game when we needed it the most. Except for Mariano Suarez, that is. He brought his shooting boots, all right. Only he put the ball into the back of his own bloody net!

But real talk though, the Fhulghamous really should have taken the lead in this game way back in the first half. Both Anselmo Iñiguez and Julian Elvira were knocking on the door of ZRH relentlessly, and once again, if it wasn’t for their damned goalkeeper, the Fhulghamous would have had this game in the bag already. I can’t really blame the bastard though; he was just doing his job, and he was certainly earning his paycheck in this match. He was just like Thanasis Tsiros at the end of the day, although the ZRH was definitely the more successful one out of the two if this game is the only piece of evidence that we’re going to look at. But though Anselmo might be one of the quickest forwards who was still in the Campionato at this moment, his speed had its disadvantages, like the time that everyone thought that he had opened the scoring in the 35th minute before the linesman raised his flag to signal that the bastard was offside. I mean, the official was right; Anselmo was offside. But could you imagine if he wasn’t? What would this game have looked like then? Would it still end 1-0 but to the Peninsula’s favor, or would the scoreline have become something a bit crazy? Would it have been 2-1, 3-0, or even another 5-5? I guess we’ll never know because we don’t live in any of the timelines where those things happened. We’re stuck in the timeline where a Mariano Suarez own goal helped Zeta Reka and Hugeltaldom advance to the quarterfinals of the Campionato Esportiva despite having only one shot on target against the Fhulghamous Peninsula.

And there were still moments in the second half when Abanhfleft—I mean the Fhulghamous Peninsula could have taken the lead and won the game. Krystallis Antonakakis had a free kick that had only enough curve to go into the side netting instead of the inside of the right post. I mean, the guy is an accomplished footballer, but I don’t think his free kick technique is the reason why he’s in this team in the first place. He’s more of a distributor of the ball than anything else, and you all wanna know why I think that? That’s because that was the role that Krystallis played when he absolutely dismantled Ludogorets Markovsky for Sarvusdalamoive way back when! Imagine where he could have been playing now had he managed to keep his legs glued together for more than just six or seven months. He might even be representing Abanhfleft and not the Fhulghamous had that happened! Instead, the poor guy had to leave the Fleftic Premier League because his ligaments were going to tear themselves apart if you so much as coughed in their general direction, and he had to take a breather in the Fhulghamousian leagues. Now you would think that this is the worst possible place for someone with dry noodles for legs to try to resurrect their football career, but credit to Krystallis, the bastard actually did it. And now here he is representing the Fhulghamous Peninsula, not quite bossing Esportivan midfields but still doing a remarkably good job at it. It’s just a shame that nothing is going to come out of it once again, but that’s football for you. Such a cruel mistress, this sport is.

But when Mariano Suarez inadvertently shot the ball past Thanasis Tsiros and into the back of his own net, you could just feel the atmosphere inside the stadium disappear. Ever popped a balloon with a pin before? Well, that’s exactly what happened, with the atmosphere being the balloon and Mariano’s own goal the pin that burst everything. Things really looked like they were finally looking up for the Fhulghamous Peninsula in the Campionato Esportiva, and some were even saying that this was the Colonists’ best chance at finally lifting some silverware, but once again, the Round of 16 curse has struck with a little bit of help from the own goal curse. Christ above, it was literally against the run of play! Everything else up to that point had been Fhulghamousian dominance, with both Krystallis Antonakakis and Priamos Kontoulis (and, for a few minutes before the own goal, Magdy El-Romy) pinging passes left and right for Anselmo Iñiguez and Julian Elvira (and later on Gerasimos Mouratidis and Giorgis Agiasmenakis) to latch on to and make chances out of. Most of these unconverted chances was down the Zeta Reka’s goalkeeper, but the woodwork and the linesman played some part in it as well. But really though, who decided that it was a good idea for everyone to leave their shooting boots back at home (or hotel or training camp or wherever) in perhaps the most important game of their careers? That just screams of poor planning or even lack thereof to me! You all had your chance to become the hero of the Fhulghamous Peninsula Colony, and you blew it!

In a way though, I’m kind of glad that the Fhulghamous Peninsula is finally out of the Campionato Esportiva. I know, I know, this is blasphemy of the highest order for the fandom. It might even be apostasy if we’re being honest! But with the Fhulghamous’s time in the Campionato now done and over, I finally have some time to myself once again. Now I won’t have to worry about trying to catch games in the dead of night or even the break of day to be able to put together some thoughts and notes that I can use to gin up the bullshit that you’re reading right now. Yeah, there’s still one more Fhulghamousian team left alive and kicking in the Esportivan Sporting Festival, but since that’s a basketball team we’re talking about, that’s completely out of my purview now. Head on over to Binging on Basketball by David Norton if you’re still interested in keeping up with the Sporting Festival, but as for my involvement in covering the Campionato Esportiva, that’s now done and over with because the Fhulghamous Peninsula are now out of the competition. Anyway, that’s all that there is from me now. If you’ve got any thoughts or comments of your own about the game against Zeta Reka and Hugeltaldom then feel free to leave them down below. Until then, I’ve been the Man from Markovsky, still in disbelief that I’ve been disappointed by my country’s colony.

  FHULGHAMOUS PENINSULA 0 - 1 ZETA REKA AND HUGELTALDOM  
                              M. SUAREZ (69' o.g.)

by **Hannasea** » Mon Jan 09, 2023 12:16 pm

Butterfly City Mercury
Gray strikes in extra time to break Robostanian ~~hearts~~ whatever central pumping system things that robots have

Remi Gray’s fabulous breakout tournament for the Hannasean hateball team continued last night in Walstreim as she smashed home an extra time winner to send the Black Butterflies to their first ever Campionato quarterfinals. It was the first extra time goal in Hannasean history and Gray’s 4th of the tournament, passing the record for the most at one competition by any Hannasean woman in history. Manager Kate Grant said she was most proud of the team demonstrating the fitness necessary to play 120 minutes for the first time. Hateball in Hannasea is usually played for only 80 minutes (because of how much we hate it) so even the 90 minute international games are a step up, but this is a Hannasean team showing that new frontiers are no barrier and that there’s no sporting metaphor they cannot mangle.

Robostania struck first with an early free-kick sent soaring past Natasha Green after Annabella Rose tripped Hillary Masha just outside the box. The Robostanians held their lead through the first half and should have doubled it, with Mallard Trevuss getting an excellent chance but hitting the ball too softly and allowing Green, out of position, to scramble back and save. It was a quiet first half for the Black Butterflies who failed to put up a shot on goal, though they did control possession through Rose and Katie Thomas. In the second half, it took an inspired cross from Meaghan Earls to break the scores back level, perfectly splitting the Robostanian defence and allowing Mikayla Ross to volley in at a difficult angle, though the Robostanians protested her foot was too high and nearly clashed with defender Haridev Gummara’ head. Ross had a chance to win it in regulation when she broke free in the 2nd minute of added time, but her chance hit the post and rolled away.

Robostania started the extra time period more brightly, and came close to scoring from a corner when Lawrence Zirres had his header cleared off the line. Hannasea nearly struck back, as Ross looped a cross in that Gray stretched to reach but Honnor Gomez was quick off the line to make the block. Then, just as thoughts began to turn to penalties, substitute left back Karissa James put in a cross that was badly cleared by Gummara, allowing Ross to get to the ball and flick it back through for Gray to run onto. The diminutive striker raced to the ball and lashed in her finish past Gomez, sparking wild celebrations from the literally ones of Hannasean fans who’d made the trip to watch the game and hadn’t already left early to watch the far more popular national field hockey team (who weren’t even playing, they had a bye, but the fans still came to watch them hanging out at their hotel).

The Hannasean Federation 1–1 Robostania (2–1 after extra time)
Goals: Ross 55’, R. Gray 116’; Keville 14’

by **Cap Nord** » Mon Jan 09, 2023 12:35 pm

Every once and a while, if I sense my misogyny is insufficiently fueled, I take to the social media websites. The current topic which gets them buzzing, or rather act as a heap of flies around a steaming dumb, is the neverending merry-go-round discussion summarized in four letters. The GOAT. It is a topic brought up by people who lack the imagination to realize that seven decades of football cannot be summarized in a simple list, cleanly ranked from one to forty-two. Let alone that one can compare the modern professional wingback with a goalie who wore a flat cap, even on a dreary day. What annoys me more than anything is that this discussion resurfaces over and over, with the known names bringing their same argumentation before dying down on the consensus that there is no consensus.

There are two matters in which one should consult the elderly: those of extreme triviality and those which require the wisdom of the ages. It is clear that the question about the best Capnordic footballer of all times is neither, as the pensioners keep on insisting it must be Gérard Delbarge. The crackled images show a smart player, in all senses of the word: it includes backheels and moustachios. The most dapper footballer of his age, of their age. But not of all ages. As with the mullet and the sleeveless shirt, some things are best kept in their time. Statisticians might suggest that one simply needs to count silverware to find the greatest of them all. The commanding tower of air authority called Krijn Doornbosch definitely makes a great case if such would be the decisive element in the equation. With Sporting Noordende, the defender picked up trophies like ripe apples and it is in general agreement that he is one of the greats in the history of the Premier Division. One of ‘the’, but unless your love for the Royals knows no boundaries, never ‘the’.

The kind of people who insist that berets ‘got a bad rap’ and have an unhealthy interest in instrumental music make a claim for Mika Vornborg, the highly athletic and spectacular goalkeeper who never won a single title in his lifetime but brightened up every stadium he appeared in. I like Vornborg, in healthy doses, but anyone who gets vouched for by these sorts of people deserves to be dropped off the list. Sorry, those are the rules. And besides, is electing a goalkeeper as your nation’s finest not the clearest indication of a lack of decent football players within your borders? A best of all time must be creative, decisive, based on instinct, as goes the rule of thumb and scratched off are the defenders (with apologies, but not too many, to Petra Markdal). Purists will launch a battlecry for Mark Wheelan, but his early death only lands him the title of greatest ‘what if’. Fien van Pruis deserves a shout and what about Jonas Persson, whose career seems past its height despite FF desperately clinging on to contract extension-shaped straws?

A relative newcomer (a rarity!) under the arguments is that our greatest must be one that is weighed against the wealth of talent from the outer world, which automatically disqualifies ninety percent of our footballers. Ockham’s scythe does not diminish the debate. Some will vouch for Till Myrrheim, arguably the best goalscorer our grounds have seen. In a way, that is the target of the game: pushing that round thing between the sticklike thingies and no Capnordic has been better in doing so than Myrrheim (personal opinion ^TM). Blasting two more past an astonished Ha’Yarok confirms that the babyface assassin has no intention of stopping that streak but does it suffice? A greatest, is that not something that requires style on the pitch? If there is one thing that oozes from each pore of Rohan Williams, then it is style. That his nickname landed on the Mylesdale Maverick rather than the Ginger Frozone remains one of the great mysteries of my journalistic career. Williams is class all round and has a tendency to show up for the big games. Well, most of them. Often. If he is not going out. Or has fallen out with someone over something trivial. Or.

Dear reader, you are ninety percent through my column and the hissing sound you hear in the background comes from my editor. ‘Niko’, he begs, “I gave you the simplest task, to discuss the upcoming quarterfinals and I get this drab summary of the Capnordic football internet. Why must I read this, painstakingly awaiting relevant information?” Because, my most beloved of audiences, we must enjoy it while it lasts. Right now, we can still have a full night in the pub, bringing up name after name and weighing the pros and the cons. Because a performance as the one in the round of sixteen starts to be used in the discussion. And there are reasons to believe that in the greatest of clashes against Zeta Reka, a confrontation basking in the atmosphere of a revenge (similar to the fly that will get back at the horse that whacked his tail on him), we will get another of those shows. The kind of element that will result in far shorter talks in a not-too-distant future.

“Who do you think is the greatest Capnordic player ever?”
“Simon Carstensen, probably.”
“Yup.”

by **Har Yarok** » Mon Jan 09, 2023 12:38 pm

The “Hebrew Hammer” crushes two homers to upset ~~Llamas~~ Tigers

Noah “The Hebrew Hammer” Ganani crushed two home runs off Savanna Wladecki to send the Silver Stars through past Super-Llamaland in the Esportivan Sports Festival in South Newlandia. Zane “The Jewish Juggernaut” Gestetner also homered in a monster second inning for the Silver Stars that saw them pile on four runs as Freddy “The Zionist Zreallygoodatbaseball” Duchen added a sacrifice fly. Ganani’s second homer in the fifth gave the Silver Stars an unprecedented 5–0 lead. The Tigers struck back in the 7th through solo shots from Jeff Huang and Ava Llorente, and when Sylvi Vermark doubled in the 8th, Huang added a 2-out RBI double to close the gap to two. But closer Zohar Mohilewer struck out Gabriel Acosta and retired all three batters on just six pitches in the ninth to seal a famous victory. The Silver Stars will play the Choughs of Hannasea in the semifinal while WBC veterans Nova Anglicana and South Newlandia take each other on in the other side of the bracket.

There was also a football match yesterday although the results are of trivial significance compared to this historic win.

by **South Newlandia** » Mon Jan 09, 2023 1:01 pm

Cutoff!

If you notice any mistakes, please alert me ASAP!

Campionato Esportiva 34

Esportivan Baseball Trophy II

Esportivan Basketball Trophy II

Esportivan Field Hockey Trophy

Esportivan Handball Trophy

Esportivan Rugby Sevens Trophy

by **Fhulghamous Peninsula** » Wed Jan 11, 2023 2:50 am

DISCLAIMER: Gaelic Gamers is an independents sports blogging website created by four cousins with a common liking and passion for sports of all kinds and is in no way or form affiliated with or organized by any official news organization in the Democratic Republic of Abanhfleft. All statements and opinions posted here are our own and not anyone else's.

Gaelic Gamers
Presents...

The Football Fallacies
with The Man from Markovsky

FIVE THINGS THAT WE LEARNED DURING THE 34TH CAMPIONATO ESPORTIVA

Hello and welcome to The Football Fallacies. Right, so this most recent Campionato Esportiva has been a bit of a topsy-turvy tournament, isn’t it? Even for the high standards of both the Fhulghamous Peninsula and the Campionato Esportiva itself, this tournament has had a lot of twists and turns. It’s almost like it was a bloody rollercoaster ride with all the ups and downs that the Fhulghamousian fans went through throughout the course of this tournament. But did we actually learn anything about the Colonists from this tournament? Of course we did! In fact, there are five things that we learned about the Fhulghamous Peninsula during the 34th Campionato Esportiva, and I’m going to tell you all about them right now. Let’s go.

1. This isn’t quite Wellington Acuña’s team yet
So this is Wellington Acuña’s first time managing the Fhulghamous national team, and it definitely showed in the man’s first few games with the side.Then again, when Acuña came into this side, it was still fresh from the nine-year reign of Antonis Papadimitriou, and here is your daily reminder that it was under Papadimitriou that the Fhulghamous had perhaps its best run in the Campionato Esportiva to date. Papadimitriou hadn’t been able to replicate that success afterwards, and some people blame the fact that he chose to call up players playing in actual professional leagues instead of sticking to the semi-pros and amateurs populating the Fhulghamousian league pyramid that had given him that one and only third place playoff victory over Brenecia of all teams. And after four attempts and trying and failing to get back into the final four of the Campionato Esportiva, Papadimitriou was let go by the FhFa and replaced by the aforementioned Acuña. By that point though, Papadimitriou had already passed on his defensive style of football to the national team, with both the veterans of the team and the newcomers being drilled to play defensive no matter what. And Acuña isn’t really a defensive minded coach, so immediately there was a conflict in how he wanted the team to play and what the team was trained to do. It wasn’t until the game against Drehda that Acuña’s tactics finally looked like they had gotten through to the players, but the jury is still out on whether it will stick or if the team will continue playing a weird hybrid of styles until Acuña can call up the players whom he thinks or knows will play well under his preferred system.

2. Abd El-Hafez Eldozwi needs to retire, stat
I’m sorry, Hafez, but when you’ve been burned time and time again by young strikers and wingers ever since you hit 30 years old, that’s when you know that your time playing as a fullback for a team aiming to be in the top level (of Esportiva, that is), then that’s probably a sign from the football gods that you should hang up your boots and call it a day. Sure, he might have been able to get away with it against the likes of Demyan Borisov and Burt Joseph in that first game against Esportivan Darmen, but against Christian Gastaldi from Neomaris, Hafez just got exposed! With the number of times that Gastaldi just ran past him, Hafez would have been arrested for public indecency if they hadn’t sent him to the burn ward of the emergency room already! I’m actually surprised that Wellington Acuña decided to let Hafez start the game against Brenecia after that horrible performance against Neomaris, because what ended up happening was that both Jadwiga Lofthouse and Katua Byrne did exactly what Christian Gastaldi had done to the poor bastard, except it was worse now the women were double-teaming him! I’m telling you all, if Acuña had decided to keep Hafez on the pitch in the second half instead of swapping him out for Mariano Suarez like what actually happened, then there’s no way in hell that that game was going to end 0-0. Someone would have found a way past poor Hafez and that would have most likely led to the opening goal. It’s quite telling that when Mariano Suarez began starting games for the Fhulghamous, their opponents suddenly found it a bit harder to score goals against the Colonists. But then again, if Mariano hadn’t started against Zeta Reka and Hugeltaldom, would they have made short work of them instead of having to rely on an own goal to advance? Questions, questions…

3. Julian Elvira can stay though
I wouldn’t quite say that Julian Elvira is on the wrong side of 30 just yet, but 33 years old is kinda old for a striker, don’t you think? It’s probably a good thing that strength is more Julian’s forte rather than speed because while Julian already didn’t have a lot of speed to begin with, we all know that pace drops off the older you get, and with Julian, we all got a front row seat to seeing that happen here in this Campionato Esportiva. But that’s all right as far as he’s concerned because he’s not here to bully the opposition with his speed. That’s Anselmo Iñiguez’s job. Julian’s job is to literally just bully the opposition’s defenders into submission. I’m telling you all, Julian knows how to throw his body around! In another life, the guy would probably be a professional wrestler, but on the other hand, the bastard should probably know how to sell contact against him a little better. I know that it’s the constant conundrum for players in football, whether they should go down inside the box if they’ve been fouled or if they should stay up and try to keep the chance going. But Julian just does not want to go down! It’s probably a bit too late in his career for him to get a reputation for being a diver but props to the guy for sticking to his principles no matter what, I guess? Then again, when you’re playing for a semi-professional team like Nuevo Guadix then you probably don’t want to be a diver unless you want to never get a penalty for your whole football career. In any case, before I get derailed any further, the point that I was trying to make was that Julian Elvira’s physicality is still an asset for Wellington Acuña and the Fhulghamous even if he is nearing the average footballer’s retirement age of 35.

4. Krystallis Antonakakis is finally playing at his proper level
Ah, Krystallis Antonakakis. One of the biggest, if not the biggest what-ifs of Fleftic football at the present time. What if Krystallis didn’t have legs with the durability of dried spaghetti? What if Krystallis hadn’t become the victim of training ground bullying in Sarvusdalamoive? What if he had moved to a different club earlier in his career? What if he wasn’t able to boss Ludogorets’s midfield on that fateful day? What if Krystallis tried to tough it out in Abanhfleft instead of returning to more comfortable surroundings in the Fhulghamous? A lot of things would have definitely changed if Krystallis had made a different decision to any of these questions. We might have been looking at star Fleftic midfielder Krystallis Antonakakis instead of just Fhulghamousian midfielder Krystallis Antonakakis. But going back to the Fhulghamous and playing for the Colony instead of the Democratic Republic might have vastly improved his chances of putting longevity into his football career. Now that he doesn’t feel like he’s got the massive weight of the expectations of a nation of 400 million plus people on his shoulders, Krystallis can now just let loose and play however he likes. Granted, he’s still got the expectation of 10 million people from the Colony weighing down on him, but that’s much better than 400 million, am I right? And this is coming from the guy who can only talk to other people from the other side of a camera! Also, Krystallis is just beginning to peak at the right moment. If Wellington Acuña utilizes him properly, Krystallis could very well be the linchpin that will hold together an actual Fhulghamousian challenge for the Campionato Esportiva.

5. The Fhulghamous is still a long way to go before winning the Campionato Esportiva
This is a counterargument to the point that I had just made previously about Krystallis Antonakakis potentially leading the Colonists to the Esportivan title. There’s no denying that Krystallis has got loads and loads of technique and skill in him, but all of that is going to mean nothing if the rest of the team either isn’t built completely around him or is complementary to his football skills. Him, Anselmo Iñiguez and Julian Elvira are currently thriving under Wellington Acuña’s new system since the two differing strikers provide Krystallis with options up front, but what happens when Julian finally retires? What then? Antonakakis can’t just keep lumping balls up top for Iñiguez to chase down, and there’s no way in hell that Anselmo would be able to outmuscle opposition center backs inside the box because that’s just not his job. And what about the midfield and the defense? I swear, at the current state of affairs, the Fhulghamous Peninsula is literally a bipolar team when it comes to defending. In certain games, other teams can pass through them like senior citizens cutting through queues thanks to their IDs and associated benefits, and then you have games where you had the Fhulghamousians defending the goal like what pro-government forces did against the Gullottists at the Battle of Yemblaux Pass during the 2008 Holy Revolution. And there’s really only one solution to this: Wellington Acuña needs to get some more players that he believes would thrive under his new system and call them up to the Fhulghamousian team while keeping those that actually work well already. Until then, while he’s still getting the team up to speed, he’s probably not gonna be leading them to any silverware anytime soon.

Anyway, that’s all that there is from me now. If you’ve got your own thoughts and comments about the five things that we learned about the Fhulghamous Peninsula during the 34th Campionato Esportiva then feel free to leave them down below. Until then, I’ve been the Man from Markovsky, still in disbelief that I’ve just been disappointed by my own country’s colony again.

by **Lozho** » Wed Jan 11, 2023 9:49 am

Raj dug into the pile of fried tomato peels in the plate in front of him. It had been three days since his last meeting with Sonzha Sozha, and of course the one time he actually planned one with him the guy's late. Was he trying on some elaborate waiter disguise again? Who knows? Was all of this one big prank?

"I'm late." Sonzha hurried into the Golden Tomato's private room and took a seat opposite Raj.

"Thanks for informing me." Raj tutted. "Let's get down to business."

"Let's get this out of the way. You no longer believe that I'm trying to sting you for money laundering? Because if you still think I'm untrustworthy then the deal is OFF." Sonzha exclaimed as he pulled out a mountain of crumpled-up papers from his briefcase.

"Yes, yes. Sorry about the other day, I was stressed. No thanks to you by the way, with your blackmailing and other shit." Raj replied.

"Yeah, yeah, that's ancient history now. So, I will allow you to use the brand new Catroza Cassowaries Hockey Ground for this hockey tournament that you will include in the President's Cup. Right?" Sonzha read off a yellowed piece of paper from the bottom of the case.

"That's right. We intend to invite some prominent hockey-playing nations to play in the cup as well. We've contacted a few for preliminary discussions and things are looking solid." Raj responded.

"Yeah. As the Catroza Cassowaries hasn't even played any games yet we can let you use our sticks and pucks. Try not to break any though as I got them custom made and they were EXPENSIVE." Sonzha warned.

"Sounds go- wait, I'm sorry, pucks? Hockey is played with balls." Raj asked, visibly confused.

"Nope, pucks. I mean, we could try balls. It would be quite hard though, trying to use those on an ice rink. We could chalk it down to experimentation! Great thinking, I didn't want my precious pucks damaged anyway." Sonzha replied. His eyes had not been lifted from his mess of papers since the conversation began, and now he was scribbling notes on the back of a tax invoice.

"Ice rink? What the hell are you talking about!?" Raj started fuming. "Don't tell me that the Catroza Cassowaries are an ice hockey team, you tit."

"Umm... yeah. What's the problem?" Sonzha instantly replied.

Raj grabbed Sonzha's briefcase and threw it against the wall, with his papers flying everywhere. "Oi! You're paying for that!" Sonzha cried out. "Look what you've done! Now my notes are all crumpled, you-"

"Don't you dare give me that shit. You idiot. You've killed me, you know that?" Raj growled. "I can't believe you span me that bullshit about having infrastructure for hockey. Did you know that the team in the finals of the Esportivan Sporting Festival play field hockey? Or were you too thick to see that there was NO ICE on the pitch."

"Dude, relax. No one's going to tell the difference. They won't care." Sonzha took a deep breath. "None of the chumps who have been denouncing football for this run of poor results is going to care which version of hockey is on screen. Anyways, even then, it's still your fault for not double-checking whether I had the facilities to host what you're expecting me to host."

"Okay, so we won't get blasted by the public mobs before we start playing. But once they realise that we're actually crap at ice hockey and don't even have any squad or coach, they're on my ass. The Field Hockey Federation or Association or whatever doesn't even have a proper office, what do you think the ice hockey one has?" Raj's face was completely red at this point.

"I prepared for this. The Catroza Cassowaries has a coach and a full team! Okay, they're all youth players we poached from around the area. But it's better than whatever ragtag team of amateurs the Obamen send around. Please, just relax. Everything will be fine if you trust me. Get back into your seat, and we can discuss this. Like gentlemen." Sonzha gestured towards Raj's seat. The pair sat back down and resumed discussion.

"Fine." Raj accepted defeat. Sonzha Sozha had broken him. He looked forlornly at the shredder in his corner and daydreamed about destroying each and one of that tool's crumpled-up papers, from which Sonzha resumed blabbering off of. It was a sorrow state.

by **Cap Nord** » Wed Jan 11, 2023 11:01 am

"Simon Carstensen here with us, author of the second goal and man of the match, Simon, tell us, how are you feeling?"
"Exhausted but delighted. Ahead of the tournament, we wanted to go as far as possible and reaching the semi final confirms our capacity to do so. If you can do so in this atmosphere, carried by the fans against a neighbor and rival, that only adds to it all."
"It was a tight game and then came that free kick that turned everything upside down. Can you talk us through that moment?"
"It came off the wing, Erik I think, who passed it between the lines and the Rekan hit me straight on the ankle, so yeah, a just decision. I knew the distance was an option, far enough to curve it over the wall at full power but close enough to hit the goalie with surprise."
"Again the match winner, again a decisive goal. Some people have already started talking about the Man of the Tournament trophy, have you ever felt better on the field?"
"I want to stress that games like this are won by the collective, not one or two players. For myself, playing in this collective stimulates me to bring out the best and I want to keep that feeling, hopefully as long as possible."
"Nonetheless, Zeta Reka came very close: a ball on the post, one on the outside of the crossbar, …"
"We had ten really hard minutes under pressure after the lead, that's true. At such moments it only stays upright if we all dig in and go that extra mile. And after the substitutions, we were better equipped to do so."
"Do you mean that without Williams and Bissett, it is easier to defend a result?"
"It has nothing to do with Williams or someone else, there's nothing personal to it. We just got a bit more oxygen after that point, that is all."
"Now up next, the semis, an improvement of the last edition and an unanticipated result. Can we already consider the tournament a success?"
"Yes and no. I think, if we bring in a good performance against the Ceyne Isles, we will be able to look back positively to this tournament, disregarding the result. But if you get here, one can not be satisfied. Both of us made it further than most pundits expected in advance, so it is a chance for both to reach a final. It will be a tight game but with the right focus and with the same hard work as tonight, we can dream on."

With a short nod, Simon indicated the interview was over and before awaiting some additional compliments from the interviewer, he turned away and marched to the dressing room. Postgame interviews always were a bit of a trap, Simon felt. With the blood still rushing to your head, it was hard to stay coherent and calm. He believed he had made it past most of the cliffs, even if he had to bite his tongue not to complain about the lack of effort from Williams. He was a star, a goalgetter, so there was no way McEather would consider benching him but for Carstensen, the flamboyant winger nearly cost them the game (even if he darted in the goal that called the final score). Hopefully his facial expression had been on point, Simon hoped. And he was rather satisfied with the outcome of his final words, he thought as he took the handle of the dressing room door in his hand: if everyone kept his focus and realized that they were not there yet, who knew what could happen?

"Simo, watch out!"

A boisterous laugh came out of the door Carstensen just opened, but it evaporated in a scare as a projectile went millimeters past his left eye. Two more popping sounds brought him back to this world and the scenario that unfolded in front of him. After a large swig, Rohan Williams handed him a stupidly large bottle of champagne, burped obnoxiously and declared.

"Chug, chug, Simo! Tonight we all go apeshit!"

The roars behind his back disgusted and disappointed Simon in equal parts.

by **Xanneria** » Wed Jan 11, 2023 11:13 am

Despite Short-handedness Xanneria Prevails

SOUTH NEWLANDIA - With The Play off for the Campianato Esportiva in full bloom, it's always interesting to see what storylines come out of the Campianato, especially with all the sports going around. One thing that dominated the storylines for the Xannerian Maroons is the fact that there's been an illness going around for them as they compete for the regional title. One of the big stories in Xanneria is the fact a bug has been going around the team.

The Xannerians have been playing both the round of 16 game against Esportivan Darmen and their quarterfinal matchup against Nova Anglican Admin Zone of Esportiva, with a unique 3-3-3-1 line up. This has been in part to a flu strain thats has hit 4 of the six listed strikers. Only the duo of Dillon Hailey and Yolinda Sequin were able to suit up for the Maroons as Burns, McKenna, Ingram and Juups all got the flu after the Ancherion game. That game was a 3-1 loss and many fans are wondering what happened, Fan speculation has been harsh on the strikers as many theories about the Ancherion game have popped up, but most have been debunked and proven baseless.

The Maroons took on Esportiva Darmen with a 3-3-3-1 lineup, and to avoid having to make a large amount of substitutions, the team also played at a slower pace than traditional Xannerian games are played. The idea worked! Esportiva Darmen could not keep ball possession as Xannerian did their best to play keep away. In a 93 minute game, the time of possession was Xanneria 57 minutes and Esportiva Darmen 36 minutes. Two goals from Dillon Hailey and one from Paul Gessecki were enough to beat the Darmeni team 3-1.

As for the Nova game, the NAAZE team had lost to the Maroons in the first match day of the CE34 tournament. The game was a massively defensive battle, something Maroons fans may not be accustomed to but the Maroons team did well to adjust, converting to a 4-2-2-1, with no other reason than according to coach

"To keep the Nova's on their feet, they played us already and have footage from the last game, better to mix it up"

They kept the same slow pacing from the Esportivan Darmen game, but in return the time of possession was a lot more equal between the two teams, with Xanneria at 49 and NAAZE at 46. For the Maroons Bryse Papp played hero, a header on a cross in the 56th minute propelled the Maroons to what would be the only goal of the game, With that 1-0 game the Maroons will play Tumbra in the Semi-Finals with a trip to the finals on the line.

XANNERIA - 3
D. Hailey 18' 77'
Gessecki 43'

ESPORTIVA DARMEN - 1
Jepson 62'

XANNERIA - 1
Papp 56'

NAAZE - 0
NONE

by **Tumbra** » Wed Jan 11, 2023 12:36 pm

Tumbra e1-0 Sylestone

TMB (4-2-3-1): 1 - Brennan; 18 - Willoughby, 24 - Steel, 4 - Kerr (14 - Bond, 83'), 19 - Larkin (3 - Mercurio, 75'); 6 - Harrison, 8 - Hicks, 10 - Coleman (23 - Knight, 108'); 17 - Haines (7 - I McDermott, 83'), 9 - Hardaker (21 - Baker, 90 + 3'); 11 - Henshaw

TMB scorers: Vincent Hicks (117')

Player of the Match: Vincent Hicks [TMB]

Government faces flak after license to prospect for natural gas in Northlands sold to company associated with former Liberal MPs and Senators

STRATON — Amidst the building of "peace walls" in the Northlands and the beginning of construction of five more settlements along the River Vanendyne, the Liberal government was caught in what has the potential to become a major political scandal after it was revealed that the Ministry of Agriculture and Natural Resources had auctioned off one of the permits to prospect for natural gas in the resource-laden area to Crowfoot Gas, a company which sports as many as three former elected Liberals on its board of directors, including former MP for Huntingdon Jonathan Scott and former Westmond Senator Joe Whyte.

Speaking in Parliament, Minister for Agriculture and Natural Resources Bryan Lockhart (Nationals, Findlay) detailed the proceedings of the deal and assured the House that the Government had taken "full and proper" due diligence in the conduct of its deal. That answer, however, did not seem to be enough for fellow MP David Okeke (Labour, Heffron North), who accused the Government of "selling off the progress that has been made over the past half decade off to their own friends, with nothing going back to the people." Speaking outside Parliament, Okeke, who was first elected in May 2029's election and currently sits on the backbenches, said that he would be reporting the matter to both the Parliamentary Ethics Committee, as well as the independent Federal Anti-Corruption Administration (FACA).

The deal, which would see Crowfoot Gas be awarded exclusive rights to prospect for natural gas in some of the most northern reaches of the Northlands for seven years — near the mountain border the territory has with Shintochi — was sold for $6.2 million dollars. Similar licenses in the third round of bidding — which was limited to companies established in Tumbra — have gone for an average of $10.4 million dollars, with the highest price of $18.7 million being paid by a joint bid from Ashburn Industries, the Waldron Group and tech billionaire Thomas Kim. The licenses for prospecting, which have of late attracted the attention of multinational energy conglomerates such as Taeria Petroleum of Tikariot and Hygolje of Audioslavia, have been released in batches as the government unveiled its plan to "push for energy independence." It was this low bid that attracted attention from anti-corruption activists and independent watchdogs, who organised a protest outside the Federal Parliament in order to bring the matter to greater public attention.

Once the infrastructure to export gas to Tumbra is complete, the country is expected to receive approximately $2 billion dollars per year from the revenue generated by the gasfields. The very presence of such an initiative, however, has drawn criticism from some parts of civil society, most notably the Progressive-Green Alliance, who have continually critiqued not just the potential extraction of gas, but of the Northlands project as a whole.

by **South Newlandia** » Wed Jan 11, 2023 1:12 pm

Cutoff! Time to decide the first five champs!

If you notice any mistakes, please alert me ASAP!

Campionato Esportiva 34

Esportivan Baseball Trophy II

Esportivan Basketball Trophy II

Esportivan Field Hockey Trophy

Esportivan Handball Trophy

Esportivan Rugby Sevens Trophy

by **Ceyne Isles** » Wed Jan 11, 2023 7:43 pm

CEYNE ISLES
Preferred Formation: 4-4-2
Style Modifier: 0
Playstyle: Like a crap lower-league Nepharan team, because they basically are. Big, strong and hardy.
Kit Supplier: from Anglatia
Captain: Vivi Conlan
Nickname: the Pirates
Pronunciation Guide: "You'd have to be insane to live in Ceyne."

why did this team make it to the fucking semifinals

I Give My Opponent Permission To:
=================================
Choose My Goalscorers:        Y
Godmod Goalscoring Events:    N
Injure Players:               Y
Godmod Injury Events:         N
Red Card Players:             Y
Yellow Card Players:          Y
Godmod Other Events:          N
=================================

Tactics

First-choice lineup.
Built together through a handful of journeymen, most of whom have little professional experience. The Ceynes league is about as bad as professional leagues go. They play a physical, aggressive and direct style, with a little bit of creative flair just enough to liven up an otherwise predictable attack.

Staff
Manager: Kaelin Nkruma - Age 45
Manages Roschester Pride full-time and is moonlighting here, trying to get this odd journeyman side over the line. Considered intelligent, progressive and innovative.

Goalkeepers
1 - GK - Leoni Joyce - Age 32 - Cranequin City (NPH)
12 - GK - Casey Stafford - Age 25 - Rutland FC (CDG)
18 - GK - Trish Kellermann - Age 20 - Arrowhead Lake

Leoni Joyce has long held the role, but Casey Stafford looks by far the more talented goalkeeper, athletic, powerful and agile. Marcus isn't in the conversation.

Defenders
2 - RB - Vivi Conlan - Age 32 - Southern Star (BRE)
3 - LB - Tyna Marsden - Age 29 - Freeport Sharks
5 - CB - Constance Dray - Age 32 - Herty Hat Tricks (KND)
6 - CB - Cromwell Thorne - Age 31 - Rosbank Town (BRE)
13 - CB - Gerhard Lukonde - Age 26 - Knetyohai City FC (CMT)
19 - RB - Arvis Klain - Age 29 - Arrowhead Lake
22 - LB - Trisha Nzonzi - Age 29 - US San Savola (SOR)
24 - CB - Gale Ngom - Age 25 - Roschester City

A decent defence has emerged, bolstered by the recruitment of Cromwell Thorne - a patchy defender at A-League level but top 32 is top 32. They'll all hopefully get through every match intact, because the backups are all locally-based, which is not a good thing.

Midfielders
4 - HM - Phenalope Carden - Age 29 - AFK Imperialismus (ZRH)
7 - RM - Niall Kuol - Age 25 - Thor's Rest Storm (COR)
8 - CM - Morgan Brandis - Age 29 - Randwick Town (BRE)
11 - LM - Meretricious Keane - Age 23 - Roschester Pride
15 - CM - Darling Keates - Age 33 - Old Boys Club (EUR)
16 - LM - Berenice Tzaha - Age 26 - Waterfleet (TLI)
18 - HM - Deandra Maker - Age 22 - Eriksson Icecaps (COR)
20 - RM - Beckett Carney - Age 31 - Swanguard Athletic (QUE)
25 - AM - Zander Coleman - Age 23 - Wyndham Athletic
26 - CM - Emile Cruickshank - Age 21 - AFK Imperialismus (ZRH)

A new core is starting to shine through, but there's still a role for the old guard to play. They'll be playing a straightforward 4-4-2 and the role of Carden and Keates is primarily to keep things quiet, win the ball and get it moving forward down the wings. They're seasoned and clever enough to get that done. Tzaha and Kuol are a bit more than just straightforward crossers, though, offering some trickery and deftness.

Forwards
9 - ST - Sanguine Kamau - Age 28 - Hanai Breakers (CMT)
10 - ST - Seneca Kemp - Age 32 - Newton Arran (TLI)
14 - ST - Tempest Birch - Age 32 - EFS (EUR)
17 - ST - Ingrid Gravehurst - Age 26 - Real Pablo FC (BOL)
21 - ST - Howe Carrigan - Age 27 - Baptists (SFD)

The Pirates actually have quite a capable striker corps at this stage, and it appears that for the most part the combination of Kamau's athleticism and Gravehurst easy ruthlessness in front of goal will be first-choice, with the towering figure of Birch an obvious Plan B.

by **Cap Nord** » Fri Jan 13, 2023 1:15 pm

It had not been a game. Only twenty-five seconds in, Constance Dray had completely missed her interception, allowing Till Myrrheim to progress towards the goal alone. Ceynian goalie Stafford had a list of options and picked the worst one: putting the hacksaw on Myrrheim's leg whilst being nowhere near the ball. The resulting free kick soared past reserve keeper Joyce and down to ten men and women, the Pirates were given the unlikable task to storm the Whalers' wall without the appropriate manpower. It showcased a new side of Capnordic football, one that stunned the domestic observers as much as the hapless Stafford: razorsharp counterattacks.

The score line already spelled out 5-1 and the fire in the Ceynian hearts had died down. When Gravehurst sent a cannonball on the inside of the post, narrowly missing the 2-2, Nkruma's team still had belief. Now the spirit had died and tasks were blatantly ignored. It was not even a good deep ball from Erik Brymsaeter: the defender just kicked the ball ruthlessly over the defense and into the void between the last Pirate and the goal. Still two players in red and yellow escaped, being given all the space in the world to wrap it up.

Rohan Williams was first on the ball. It had been a game that fit him like a glove: with copious amounts of space, his combination of technique and firepower had already amounted to two goals. Picking up the ball thirty meters from the goal, he darted on his way to a hattrick. In his slipstream, Simon Carstensen followed suit. His successful free kick had twisted the knife of the red card, but afterwards he had not really been able to make his mark. Of all Ceynian players, holding midfielder Carden had been one of the few to execute her tasks and keep him locked up. Still, with ample minutes left, she too had given up all hope.

With a few paces, Williams reached Stafford and seemed to try to surpass him with a long dribble to the side. He feigned, went wider, feigned, went wider, feigned again. Leoni Joyce seemed to stalk every move of his, with one important distinction. One his first feign, Williams had given a stealthy backheel and as such, Joyce was chasing a ghost as she stayed between the winger and the goal. Carstensen, who followed, was given an easy shot on an empty goal for the 6-1. The two Whalers were left to each other for a hasty celebration: Williams grabbed the head of the midfielder and seemed to scream as they ran to the fans. Every TV viewer saw it as a satisfied celebration.

"There you are Simo! So you still think I don't contribute?!"

Simon was stunned (and not just because he absolutely hated it when people called him Simo) as the brand-new Corinthians No Longer midfielder yelled on.

"You probably think I am a grade A prick, isnot?"

Even in a full Kinetik Stadium with excited fans, a silence can be deafening.

"You know what, Simo. I don't give a fuck if you do. Because maybe I am. But the next time you say I don't work for the team, I will break your shin. And now you fucking cheer as if it was the 2-1 instead of the sixth goal."

The morning paper had a beautiful image on the cover of Williams and Carstensen in front of a crowd going berserk. Both smiled, but one a bit more.

by **South Newlandia** » Fri Jan 13, 2023 1:22 pm

Cutoff! Time to see who takes home to big one!

If you notice any mistakes, please alert me ASAP!

Campionato Esportiva 34

Congrats to all the champions, and all the teams that had fun! Thank you all for coming out to the Elephant Island!

Campionato Esportiva 34 & Sport. Fest. 2 - Everything Thread

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