Looking at Other Sports (KGL) | Published by Ñate
The KGL is a professional league that consists of 32 teams which compete in a select division out of the GFA and AFA, those being representative gridiron associations for the countries of Geektopia and Aimena, so you know it's a very rare process to have a sports franchise set in the latter of those places that has a history of economic depression, let alone sixteen. But someone found out a way to do it, and our blood boils from not being able to have a say in which country we want to compete with every year.
Nevertheless, these two divisions are split into four groups that have cardinal directions in their names like "Northeast", "Southeast", "Northwest", and "Southwest". So essentially, these geographic coordinators that are also working for the KGL are putting up these maps of our country on their bulletin board and are drawing a big black X, wherein it's lines would intersect at the middle of the country. Then, they're looking at the spatial coordinates of these cities that now have professional gridiron teams and are putting thumbtacks in those locations to select the groups. It's a totally businessmanlike strategy with no drawbacks at present, but these guys clearly haven't looked at the what-ifs, so I'll do it for them. In the case of Chinese Congo economically developing enough to want a land acquisition from this country that includes one of these cities, how would the KGA come to grips with that? In the history of domestic sport, a franchise has never had to relocate since the first basketball association popped up in 1020 and narrowly avoided picking Homewood as a franchise city, five years before Aimena took their independence and that city into their country.
An inclusion of football teams representing the three lands of Unimon, Chinese Congo, and La Fiorita in continental Kwandoa compete in a round-robin group that determines a spot on the postseason bracket versus what will measurably be the worst team on the KGA official table to make it to post-season after all twenty fixtures will have been played. I think that’s all there is to be said on the matter, now the season openers beckon and will end with some teams having a 1-0-0 record, a 0-1-0 record, or maybe even a 0-0-1 record, as in a draw.
Season Openers
Mordecai Miners (GFSE) 3 3 7 0 13
Isleshore Mighty (GFNW) 14 0 7 3 24
A thrilling encounter between two franchises in the same country, Miners and the Mighty. We got off to a very exciting albeit one-sided start that would determine the game more than the other three quarters. Bloise strung it all together with two touchdown passes in the first to two different young quarterbacks, Godzik and Marini. These were recorded at eleven from the throw and sixty two, which is just incredible. He had to have thrown upfield so hard, with such pressure, I reckon there must have been some fecal incontinence with Bloise rushing to the locker room faster than anyone after the half. Between these two touchdowns Isleshore was playing better still, with Rafaniello picking off the hurl sent by Cedre to no one on his team in particular. There were tradeoffs from both sides in the second and fourth quarters, particularly in the third, whereas a touchdown was scored twice by only twice.
Guhernig Sweepers (AFSW) 7 3 10 3 23
Nedseno Rockets (AFSE) 0 3 6 3 12
Guhernig swept and only swept, there was no moment wherein they were in danger of trailing and the Sweepers either led or stalemated in all four quarters. One player to notice on the losing team was Honebrink, either he had a bad day in the office, or this is a weekly thing because the man was sackstripped, picked off by Becera, and then picked off again as far as Fleharty caught it. For the third quarter, things really fell apart again as Guhernig on these plays were too terrifying, conducive to the Rockets whimpering into their own touchdown area two times, and then giving away a touchdown off of an open channel. Romeyn pretended he would get into the pile to try and gain some yards while he was already on the fifteenth from goal, but from there stuck his head out and ran on the whole left side to break free for TD! Conversion kick was missed by Becera.
Turinigre Rovers (AFNW) 0 7 7 7 21
Mukladrue Crows (GFSW) 7 0 3 3 13
With a city name as hard to pronounce as Turinigre, you’d have thought the commentary team’d’ve burst a blood vessel trying not to laugh at that spelling for the Rovers, but Ingran and his close friend Pieta announced the line-ups, called the plays, and agreed that it was a great honor to announce in these franchises debut game. There was a little quip by Ingran at the end in this footage, in which he observed that the town of Mukladrue sounded like an onomatopoeia of a man dissatisfyingly spitting out an ice cube from his cola that he was drinking. There existed a trade off of touchdowns at the first and second quarters, with Faulstich (Crows) and Fellenz (Rovers) running the pigskin forward a bit too much for the other team to take, coming into the second half then, Rovers took the lead and ran with it for the rest of the game after catches from young quarterback Gnewuch and company.
Lunadoyato Aimenans (AFNE) 0 0 14 7 21
Luzarai Bolts (AFSE) 6 0 0 3 9
For our first all-Aimenan bout of the week, we had Lunadoyato and Luzarai. Now, you want to know why most of these countries towns start with an L? It’s there, it’s because they lose a lot, hahahaha! We had most of our industry firing on all cylinders to overperform Aimena’s by ten-fold. Let’s talk about it, they’re economically losing it, as well as politically. You don’t just fall asleep and wake up to see the same anchorman drone on and on, stipulating about the economy, and showing us highlight reels of “Times Aimenans wiped the floor against Geektopians”. Seriously, if there’s not an solo anchorman queering around while questioning the stability of his country, the ANN shows these videos of their civilians beating the snot out of their international neighbors civilians to keep everyone entertained after too much news. While I have to admit that those Aimies got some good swings on us, Geektopians knock around Aimenans ten times more often. And that’s what gridiron is about, yeah? Some good old offensive fun with the football, which is not shown here. Out of four quarters, these franchises in Aimenans scored in only two quarters, leaving a half’s worth of zeroes on the board. It’s simply unbelievable. Damask of Lunadoyato and Imbornone of the Luzarai Bolts got their names on the sheet post-game.
Clarashiraze Razors (AFSE) 0 0 3 0 3
Desa Sirens (GFSW) 0 7 7 10 24
Wow, the first true washout of our multinational gridiron league and this is Clarashiraze’s field goal against a touchdown from Moreen, another touchdown a quarter late from the wide receiver Henna, and then big Moreen cokes in again to separate Desa by eighteen and no way back. This was a perfect display of one team taking the football and running with it all evening with only a slight spell of ball possession off of a thrown pick from the Sirens which put Clarashiraze past scrimmage for the team to challenge for a field goal in the third. There were a lot of safeties in the college draft whose names were swept under the rug for Steffensmeier’s, and there are reasons that panelists were surprised about his move to Desa, mostly as every lineup player was assembled from a trashy college team and it’s really why you hear nicknames being thrown around calling the Sirens the “High School Dumpster Medley” of our time, not only because they had a really unlucky draft made up of young players who were on starting and got blew out by nine touchdowns in historic college games, but it’s also because there was this one safety who was controlling the runs in this game more than the Sirens’ own professional offensive coordinator, it’s really unusual to see.
Nrina Submarines (GFSE) 0 0 10 3 13
Buya Tsunamis (AFSW) 3 7 3 0 13
A spectacular Sunday afternoon in the coastal city of Nrina, it was eighty four degrees outside and the wind blew northeast at eight miles an hour. This wind direction clearly helped the Subs, who were needing something more than a field goal, but settled anyways. For the GFSE team, Nrina’s franchise quarterback Hean scored and called the shots for a field goal kick which he surprisingly planted into the middle. Hean says that this is only the start of his MVP campaign and also states that a lot of rainy nights are yet to come for Nrina, the same rainy nights in which he exclaims that he won’t request for a trade. The offensive coordinator is inspired, the defensive coordinator is inspired, and the coach claps for a while.
Flurobo Confederates (GFSE) 14 7 0 6 27
Kussore Riflemen (GFNW) 7 7 0 7 21
Riflemen won the coin toss, but that should that really define anything? I know there are a lot of nerds scrambling, getting their calculators out to see how many won coin tosses contribute to losing by six points, or even losing at all, and making their hunt for such trivial knowledge a name-brand thing, almost to give it meaning. I’ve seen people telling me this “Curse of the Copper” thing really existed while I was in the slump of my life, working at a cubicle job half of the time while I was also looking up get rich quick schemes on the Internet, let me tell you, these bullshit stats should not exist just because you want them to. From the games I’ve looked over so far it’s been a 60 to 40 ratio of teams having won coin tosses and winning, but does that really matter? Also, Flurobo are just asking for it with that nickname. I mean, the Confederates?! This franchise seriously knew what they were doing when they called themselves that, it’s really just a wow moment in the history of naming a franchise anything. It’s 6300, we’re living in a time where it’s only been just under five thousand years after that independence event occurred, you fuckers really have the gall to call yourselves the Confederates, literally meaning “a person one works with, especially in something secret or illegal; an accomplice.”?! For me, this is a disgrace to the city of Flurobo south east, and if this whole nickname-picking shenanigan was done with the people choosing this as their alias, we can call Flurobo “the implosion city” as it looks to be where our people turn into theirs within the country. You are imploding into a woman-stealing Aimenan by visiting the city of Flurobo in Geektopia, this is absolutely ridiculous.
Brusak Comets (AFSW) 7 7 3 3 20
Kuatuofuroo Seniors (AFNE) 3 3 10 7 23
The Seniors won the first possession through an unsightly method, flipping a brown cylinder and seeing which side it lands on, so they got started for us at the twenty five yard line through a deep kick, wherefore this was followed by some really good play which led to a throw where Madolet saw some on the ball rushing a pass to Tdusi, that is a good way to start the season, gaining eight yards, you know. This was pretty much all Kuatuofuroo on ten minutes left until some fan threw calamari onto the channel in which Madolet was going down, he didn’t know what he slipped on and couldn’t handle the pressure while he got tackled, so the football isnt just out of the hands, onto the ground for a fumble, this was thrown the entirely wrong way. Comets pick up for the restart and say “Hey Seniors, we’ll see you in the future” as they don’t just make a deep run for TD, the quarterback Nimzo has the experience to pick out his running back to make some gains on the 20, but exceeds expectations by lateraling to Nimzo who again is involved in play. He makes some yards and gets his upper half past the 1 for six points to nothing Comets. Inpe is the kicker for this one and doesn’t miss. Just before the quarter ends, Seniors get enough past scrimmage to challenge for a field goal and their punter and duly doesn’t miss either. Brusak repeat their score in the second quarter and get trashed in the second half, losing their lead from the addition of a field goal and a touchdown in the third quarter.
Musek Dinos (GFNW) 7 0 7 3 17
Kummaboule Molecular Disintegration (GFNE) 3 10 0 7 20
Pretty unspectacular game, this will be a trend where I list the scorers for each quarter; for the first fourth, Rongione out on a spectacular show where he ran with the ball for two football fields, that would logically tell me he got all of the touchdowns for Musek. Our punter for the Dinos that made his field goal conversion was Zook, Musek’s amazing efforts only narrowly lost out to a complete team effort. On touchdowns for Kummaboule, Montague and De Matos were protected and thrown the ball to get a combined twelve points. Interestingly, there were two punters who pulled and pushed down themselves to prove that they could kick it in between, these individuals were Lupercio and Petzak, who booted in the first and fourth quarters respectively.
Runlue Buzzards (GFSE) 0 3 14 7 24
Homewood Settlers (AFNW) 6 3 0 9 18
Now this really pisses me off. We settled Homewood as it was in our country first, is everyone trying to have a controversial nickname? Anyways, this affair was known for Homewood’s coach, who took a big hit from Runlue’s wide receiver Granzin and stood in front of it like a concrete wall.
Zurubinisukui Black Labs (GFNE) 10 0 14 10 34
Bragremeightre Bucks (GFNW) 10 10 0 7 27
First quarter was an intriguing look at both coaches, 10-10 and the guy in charge of the Bucks called a timeout from five minutes and lined up his receivers, running backs, quarterbacks, special teams, sat them down on the bench, and had them have a talk about performance before the first time out out of three ended. I mean, whatever sort of mental tactic wins this guy games, I’ll go with it, sure. Bragremeighte lost this one, though, so you’d have to ask why Fattal didn’t brief the team on protecting quarterbacks or sensing deep runs.
Nyakitaa Shamans (AFSE) 0 6 0 3 9
Redtough Blimps (AFNW) 10 0 0 6 16
And the Shamans were just about to make the comeback as well. Might as well have been a stingingly late touchdown to hit Nyakitaa like a train. Shouldn’t have that nickname been the “Redtough Trains” or something? Also, Shamans are the only team this far with no gas in the tank in terms of touchdowns.
Torahora Sideliners (AFNE) 7 10 0 6 23
Lito Ancients (GFNE) 3 7 10 6 26
Rasheed Senators (GFSW) 14 7 0 14 35
Bashi Branches (AFNE) 0 7 0 21 28
Offtsutare Whitehares (AFSW) 0 7 6 0 13
La Toray Cannoneers (GFNE) 3 10 0 7 20
Musatobotita Otters (AFNW) 0 0 7 0 7
Lare Icicles (GFSW) 0 7 3 3 13
