Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2020 9:22 am
REPORT OF THE INDEPENDENT COCOA-BO COMMISSION
Appendix A: Brief Summary of the Commission's Findings
As the full report of the Independent Cocoa-Bo Commission is 2,367 pages long (not including appendices), the commissioners thought it would be helpful to provide a brief summary of key findings of their thorough cross-multiverse investigation.
1) Is Cocoa-bo Addictive or Performance-Enhancing?
- Yes; for some species, or genetic subgroups of broader species, Cocoa-bo can be performance-enhancing and/or addictive. In an infinite multiverse, almost any product will be addictive or performance-enhancing to someone/thing.
- However, the Commission acknowledges that no more than 10% of species or genetic subgroups of species tested while the commission was sitting proved vulnerable to the more insidious impacts of Cocoa-bo.
- The Commission notes that in some cases a belief that Cocoa-bo can be performance-enhancing could lead to a placebo effect; but this does not confer an unfair advantage.
2) Which Species or Genetic Subgroups of Species Are Known to be Vulnerable?
A- the fluffy bunnies of Fluffy Bunny World [both addictive and performance-enhancing]
B- the teenaged human females of Cheergirls [performance-enhancing]
3) Which Species or Genetic Subgroups of Species Are Not Impacted by Cocoa-bo?
A- Humans of Quakmybush
B- Humans of Petroslovania
C- Humans of Atheist Democratic Freehold
D- Humans of Ko-oren [the commission clarifies at the request of Senator Copronymuso that no dragonflies were tested]
E- Humans of Port Ember
F- Humans of Vlasisitan
G- Humans of Devonta
H- Humans of Daskel
I- Humans of Mattijana
J- Humans of Indusse
K- Rambunctious and enthusiastic Cocoa-bo-swilling humans of Tequilo
L- Immortal Starblaydi humans now residing permanently in the Dreamed Realm
Note that the Commission makes no judgement on whether all humans from the above nations/realities are immune from the negative impacts of Cocoa-bo, only the test subjects. Genetic variation within individual species can sometimes be extensive, and the test subjects came from multiple realities where superficial similarities in species may also mask genetic variation of cognate species between realities.
4) Is Cocoa-bo Performance-Enhancing to Vilitans?
The Commission is unable to answer this question; no Vilitans were tested.
5) Are the Authorities and/or Relevant Corporate Entities in Turori Aware That Cocoa-bo May Prove to be Performance-Enhancing and/or Addictive in Some Cases?
The Commission is unable to answer this question; the witness from Inura Extracts did not expand on this issue, and Professor von Madscientisto explicitly stated that he was unable to establish intent or lack thereof.
6) Which Offers the Most Accurate Reporting on the Commission? The Beet or The Turnip?
The Beet; though Mr Minett wishes to acknowledge the passion of The Turnip's staff.
7) What Are the Commission's Recommendations?
We recommend the following steps:
A- Introduce an immediate rigorous programme of Cocoa-bo testing for all species of those nations reaching the knock-out stages of World Cup 85 (though the Commission acknowledges that the current sociopolitical situation in Farfadillis may make this hard to implement for half of the draw), and all species of those nations not previously tested entering World Cup Qualifiers starting from World Cup 86.
B- Immediate testing of the entire Vilitan national squad - preferably voluntary, but with more intrusive measures to be considered by the World Cup Committee as necessary - in order to set minds at rest on this important issue.
C- An immediate ban on the consumption of Cocoa-bo by all football teams containing players from species or subgroups of species that are impacted by Cocoa-bo; no more milkshakes for the Cheergirls.
D- An embargo on the sale of Cocoa-bo to nations and/or societies where all resident species suffer addicting or performance-enhancing side effects from Cocoa-bo consumption.
E- Where Cocoa-bo is shown to have a negative impact, support for the development of non-Turorian commercial alternatives with a similar flavour profile - but without deleterious side effects. At least one Jeckland company has shown an interest in exploring this option more closely.
F- Ban the use of puppies in the testing or implementation of any of these recommendations.
The commission would like to stress in closing that it has no objection to the continued consumption of Cocoa-bo within nations where one or more species or subgroups of species do not suffer ill-effects from the chocolaty drink. It only wishes to establish which species or subgroups of species are impacted so that the entire World Cup community can trust that World Cup results are not impacted by the negative side-effects of Cocoa-bo shown to exist in a minority of participating species (or subgroups of species).
Appendix A: Brief Summary of the Commission's Findings
As the full report of the Independent Cocoa-Bo Commission is 2,367 pages long (not including appendices), the commissioners thought it would be helpful to provide a brief summary of key findings of their thorough cross-multiverse investigation.
1) Is Cocoa-bo Addictive or Performance-Enhancing?
- Yes; for some species, or genetic subgroups of broader species, Cocoa-bo can be performance-enhancing and/or addictive. In an infinite multiverse, almost any product will be addictive or performance-enhancing to someone/thing.
- However, the Commission acknowledges that no more than 10% of species or genetic subgroups of species tested while the commission was sitting proved vulnerable to the more insidious impacts of Cocoa-bo.
- The Commission notes that in some cases a belief that Cocoa-bo can be performance-enhancing could lead to a placebo effect; but this does not confer an unfair advantage.
2) Which Species or Genetic Subgroups of Species Are Known to be Vulnerable?
A- the fluffy bunnies of Fluffy Bunny World [both addictive and performance-enhancing]
B- the teenaged human females of Cheergirls [performance-enhancing]
3) Which Species or Genetic Subgroups of Species Are Not Impacted by Cocoa-bo?
A- Humans of Quakmybush
B- Humans of Petroslovania
C- Humans of Atheist Democratic Freehold
D- Humans of Ko-oren [the commission clarifies at the request of Senator Copronymuso that no dragonflies were tested]
E- Humans of Port Ember
F- Humans of Vlasisitan
G- Humans of Devonta
H- Humans of Daskel
I- Humans of Mattijana
J- Humans of Indusse
K- Rambunctious and enthusiastic Cocoa-bo-swilling humans of Tequilo
L- Immortal Starblaydi humans now residing permanently in the Dreamed Realm
Note that the Commission makes no judgement on whether all humans from the above nations/realities are immune from the negative impacts of Cocoa-bo, only the test subjects. Genetic variation within individual species can sometimes be extensive, and the test subjects came from multiple realities where superficial similarities in species may also mask genetic variation of cognate species between realities.
4) Is Cocoa-bo Performance-Enhancing to Vilitans?
The Commission is unable to answer this question; no Vilitans were tested.
5) Are the Authorities and/or Relevant Corporate Entities in Turori Aware That Cocoa-bo May Prove to be Performance-Enhancing and/or Addictive in Some Cases?
The Commission is unable to answer this question; the witness from Inura Extracts did not expand on this issue, and Professor von Madscientisto explicitly stated that he was unable to establish intent or lack thereof.
6) Which Offers the Most Accurate Reporting on the Commission? The Beet or The Turnip?
The Beet; though Mr Minett wishes to acknowledge the passion of The Turnip's staff.
7) What Are the Commission's Recommendations?
We recommend the following steps:
A- Introduce an immediate rigorous programme of Cocoa-bo testing for all species of those nations reaching the knock-out stages of World Cup 85 (though the Commission acknowledges that the current sociopolitical situation in Farfadillis may make this hard to implement for half of the draw), and all species of those nations not previously tested entering World Cup Qualifiers starting from World Cup 86.
B- Immediate testing of the entire Vilitan national squad - preferably voluntary, but with more intrusive measures to be considered by the World Cup Committee as necessary - in order to set minds at rest on this important issue.
C- An immediate ban on the consumption of Cocoa-bo by all football teams containing players from species or subgroups of species that are impacted by Cocoa-bo; no more milkshakes for the Cheergirls.
D- An embargo on the sale of Cocoa-bo to nations and/or societies where all resident species suffer addicting or performance-enhancing side effects from Cocoa-bo consumption.
E- Where Cocoa-bo is shown to have a negative impact, support for the development of non-Turorian commercial alternatives with a similar flavour profile - but without deleterious side effects. At least one Jeckland company has shown an interest in exploring this option more closely.
F- Ban the use of puppies in the testing or implementation of any of these recommendations.
The commission would like to stress in closing that it has no objection to the continued consumption of Cocoa-bo within nations where one or more species or subgroups of species do not suffer ill-effects from the chocolaty drink. It only wishes to establish which species or subgroups of species are impacted so that the entire World Cup community can trust that World Cup results are not impacted by the negative side-effects of Cocoa-bo shown to exist in a minority of participating species (or subgroups of species).