Script
From cycles 40 to 49, four footballing dynasties dominated. The start of the ‘decade’ saw Valanora and Starblaydia divide five tournaments between them, with Starblaydia kickstarting the post-Jolt era by defeating Valanora in the World Cup 47 final.
The other three of the other four World Cup finals in the 40s were fought between two sides. The Holy Empire and Candelaria and Marquez.
Candelaria and Marquez were the sublime masquerading as the ordinary. The Big Blues bounced onto the world stage for cycle 45, their tenth entry into World Cup football, with the following footnote:
“RP Permissions: Do pick scorers, etcetera, and godmod away – with the proviso that almost anything that would be considered impossible in the “real world” (see gnomes, elves, dwarves, androids etcetera) would likewise be dismissed as such by most Candelariasians and, in many cases, removed from TV coverage.”
:- Candelaria and Marquez, WC45 Roster Thread
“Anything that would be considered impossible in the real world would be dismissed by most Candelariasians”. Somewhat ironic, then, that they’d become associated with a Holy Empire team that is known for going to World Cups with teams of Mexican Jumping Beans, harmless little old ladies and characters from Doctor Who. In World Cup 45, The Holy Empire were still in their prehistoric period. Literally. They fielded a team of cavemen, played in a fetching leather singlet and forced visiting teams to use a large spherical rock as a ball.
The first of three finals between the two teams went the way of Candelaria and Marquez. After the first 90 minutes had finished level, C and M stormed to victory via three almost identical goals in the early stages of extra time to win out 4-1. Three crosses, three goals, the first of which bundled over the line by Abdul Ibadulla from Adekunde’s downward header.
By this time, Candelaria and Marquez had already garnered something of a reputation for posting long, yet engrossingly written match reports. Their output after the World Cup 45 final was no different. The cavemen of the Holy Empire were somewhat less erudite.
By cycle 48, the oppressively ‘normal’ Candelaria and Marquez were beginning to accept the nature of the multiverse in which they found themselves...
“It’s impossible to deny not only the singing beans, giant toad and seemingly immortal footballers, but the whole complicated business with the not-actually-faeries, who (as most Candelariasians are now dimly aware) have settled in the southern Candelarian town of Gordon Bay City”
:- Candelaria and Marquez, WC48 Roster thread
...which is handy, considering The Holy Empire were, at that time, suffering the aftershocks of the event known only as ‘The Event’.
“Reality still seems a little soft around the corners. Distant mountain ranges occasionally seem to shift slightly; people's faces might briefly 'melt' for a split second before returning to normal; fountains spout blood; two giant wrestling figures, one in imperial robes, the other wearing a shimmering cloak, occasionally appear in the sky; distant ethereal screams occasionally pierce the air”
:- The Holy Empire, WC48 Roster Thread
The team they put out for this cup contained some names that were unusual, but somehow familiar, and included the much-loved Ug-ug from the World Cup 45 final.
Once again, The Holy Empire met Candelaria and Marquez in the final, yet this time the imperials would win out. In a bitter blow to Candelaria and Marquez’s sense of normalcy, the only goal of the final was attained when Simeone di Bradini, a man who had also represented Starbaydia sixty years prior and thus should not even have been eligible to play, crossed the ball for someone to score. The identity of the scorer depends on who you ask. Some say it was Ug-ug, others say Juan Tzimisces - a veteran of the very first World Cup who’d been retired for what mortals would call ‘decades’
“In the 76th minute, time seems to freeze. Coccino releases the ageless Di Bradini with an exquisite through ball, and Lopulalan struggles to keep up. Di Bradini crosses. O'Brien tries to head the ball away, but misses. Davies and Wilkinson are marking Comneno and Boradiates, caught static as both Tzimisces and Ug-Ug make surging runs from midfield. They simultaneously jump to head the ball, and for years to come, fans across realities will argue over who had the final touch.”
:- The Holy Empire, WC48 RP thread
In the next World Cup, the two sides would meet for the third time. By now, Candelaria and Marquez had learned to embrace their inner surrealist.
“All this used to be because of malevolent faeries, but isn’t any more, on account of the fact that we now know that they never actually existed, much to the surprise of the faeries themselves as much as anyone else… Oh, and because of the ongoing hidden conflict against the insane half-elf Sam Mc O’Neil and his army of mindless drones and waterfowl.”
:- Candelaria and Marquez, WC49 Roster thread
Their roster looked as standard as ever, consisting of good footballers plying their trade at home and abroad, with the team, and the stories, centering on the talismanic Jhanna Young.
The Holy Empire, on the other hand, decided to field a team of vengeful trans-dimensional aztec gods, still ‘managed’ by Tzimisces and di Bradini, if it is indeed possible to ‘manage’ a god.
In a pulsating final, Candelarissian normality and Imperial surrealism clashed for one final time.
“It was, of course, the end of the world.
As the Candelarians rose to celebrate their third goal in the World Cup 49 final, a goal which gave them a surely unassailable come from behind 3-1 lead against a bunch of gods with 9 minutes left to play, the apocalypse began.
The sky turned the colour of fire; the rain that had marked the second half turned to ash; the centre circle began to spew lava; and the Aztec gods seemed to grow in size until their terrifying countenance seemed to tower over all of Tundra Falls.
As the harvest of the damned began, and those who were not immediately sacrificed in the name of the dread Aztec gods began to run and scream with terror, as each member of the Candelarian squad - a team who were now paying the ultimate price for their temerity in victory - fell dead to the burning grass, it seemed over”
:- The Holy Empire, World Cup 49 RP thread
On this occasion, reality - or, at least our plane of it - was saved thanks to the unfolding, and firing, of a five-dimensional Reality Cannon. The three gunmen were The Holy Empire’s World Cup winning heroes of World Cup 48. Tzimisces, Ug-ug and Simeone di Bradini.
Through Jhanna’s wonder-strike, Candelaria and Marquez took the rubber match of the trilogy and, within two cycles, retired from the world stage. The Holy Empire play on, the Dreamed Realm now at peace.
Notes / Extras
Originally entitled Ug-Ug Knows Not How to Lose
Preceded by this trailer, released on March 31st 2020.
Completed and released early on Discord due to COVID-19 becoming a thing.
Written around March 3rd 2020. The sixth script to be started, but the second one to be finished.
Original idea was to compile a ‘Greatest XI’ of weird Holy Empire players, but the amount of research for that would have killed me.
Hopefully the last Idiot Project video to be recorded using Jeremy’s laptop mic. Audio quality (no pun intended) is better for the other Jeremy-narrated videos.
Originally supposed to only be five minutes long.
Partially inspired by the Genocide ending of Undertale.
The first song is a slowed-down version of by Creative Source’s cover of Bill Withers’s ’Who is He and What is He to You?’
Credits for this video, and only this video, feature the phrase ‘compiled by Jeremy Jaffacake’ instead of ‘written by Jeremy Jaffacake’, as C&M and THE do all the heavy lifting for this chapter.
Early music-only version
Various images. Some used, some not
Script
When you look at the most decorated teams in history, there’s a nation right at the top that you might not have heard of. Ten regional titles. Four more than any other nation in history. Pacitalia.
The Blue Foxes are one of many sides, along with Lamoni, 95X and Hypocria, who are noted for having largely ignored the World Cup in favour of Atlantian Oceania’s regional tournament - the AOCAF Cup.
Pacitalia had already won the cup four times when they travelled to Delaclava for AOCAF Cup 31. They would face the hosts in the quarter-final.
Delaclava had every reason to be confident going into the game. The AOCAF Cup hadn’t actually been contested for three cycles, meaning their opponents hadn’t played a competitive game for a number of years before the tournament. As of cycle 56, the side had qualified for the World Cup in each of their previous five attempts. Playing at home, they could even be considered narrow favourites for the tie.
What happened next is probably the most ridiculous result in the history of NS football. Had this match been in a World Cup, they would have broken the Scorigami chart.
“The scorinator will be Commerce Heights' xkoranate 0.3.2, using the NSFS formula with xkoranate-style modifiers …. Scorination will occur at 10-11
PM Eastern Time.”
:- Delaclava 2011-JUN-24
Notes / Extras
Star’s first vocal contribution so far.
Original version had a different half-time scene (3:21 - 4:00). Star recommended changing it. Two of these shots featured in the trailer for the series despite technically not appearing in the series itself.
The first chapter to be written. Originally the first chapter of Episode 3.
When this chapter was written, TIP3 was supposed to be a series of short 3-5 minute videos. Hence the lower run-time.
Features the track Devour which has a very cool video. The album, Vae Victis! is on Spotify and it’s epic.
Images from the video