World Cup 83 - Roleplay Thread

[The Sarian]

The Cappuccino Catch-up

Chaos as Forty-Three Candidates Certified for Presidential Election

The impact of last year’s Henrikson versus the Union Election Board has been made clear after it was confirmed last night that forty-three individuals have been certified as candidates for the May Presidential election. The ruling, which ruled that the eligibility rules for the ballot were unconstitutional, means that prospective candidates needed the signature of just one member of the Union Convention or the signature of a thousand voters to make the ballot.

Despite the huge numbers, the candidates from the four main parties remain the frontrunners and the smorgasbord of other candidates are widely expected to end up as 'also rans' with less than one percent of the vote. However, broadcasters have warned that impartiality laws will make covering such a wide variety of candidates 'virtually impossible' and that there shall be insufficient opportunities to scrutinise the top contenders. There have also been worries that such a large ballot paper has the potential to confuse voters, with the 'major candidates' buried in-between unknowns. Additionally, due to the Electoral Procedure Act, ballot papers are printed in batches of five hundred with a different random ordering of candidates in each batch thus preventing campaigns from directing voters to their candidates location of the ballot paper.

SariVision Television Network (SVTN) have already pulled out of hosting a debate citing logistical difficulties, with STV set to follow. Though plans have been muted to have candidates debate across multiple nights, media industry insiders have warned that they could be opening themselves up to a lawsuit mean that differing rating numbers across the week could break strict impartiality laws.

The campaign officially kicks off tomorrow, where strict spending laws come into place. The first round of voting shall take place on the 14th of October where all candidates polling below three percent, when second preferences of eliminated candidates are re-distributed, shall be eliminated. There shall be further rounds each subsequent week with higher thresholds until one candidate receives a majority.

Candidates: H. Abaqq (Harmony), S. Adams (Patriotic Front), J. Ali (Radical Democratic Movement), M. Anchorage (Class War), L. Bradgate (Left Unity), L. Breen (Tax The Rich), S. Bright (Legalise Cannabis), S. Brown (Patriots League), H. Budgen (Sari National), H. Burlington (Prosperity and Growth), S. Cornell (More United), S. Crenshaw (One Nation), R. Dave (Hindu Grand Assembly), L. Elliot (Save Our Villages: No More Wind Farms),J. Elmire (Justice for Men and Boys), S. Evans (Mothers United!), K.M Fallsop (Popular Movement), M. Gorridge-Fortitude (National Liberation), H. Gould (Equality - The Rainbow Alliance), B. Grant (Agrarian Alliance of Farmers and Labourers), O. Hawking (Communist), S. Hoo (Green), H. Johnson (For A Nuclear Free Union), I. Jones (Sari People's), B. Lawson (The Establishment), G. Lowe (National Renewal), J. Lukasson (Florican), B. Meadow (Committee for Better Public Transport), E. Merkel (Patriotic Socialist Party), I. Mornington (Union of Working Patriots),B. Paulson (Progressive Democrat), N. Reid (Unite!), E. Richards (National Liberal Coalition), T. Score (Get Money Out Of Politics), M. Scott (Taxation is Theft), I. Shah (Radical Association), A. Short (The Movement), B. Stokes (Ecology), M. Tukan (United Liberal), E. van Buren (Reform Alliance), C. Wallington (Alliance for Green Socialism), S. Williamson (Healing The Sari Soul), H. Wu (Immigrants)

The Cappuccino Catch-up is a daily service run by The Union newspaper, a liberal leaning paper which distributes across The Sarian. Costing just one imperia a month, the Catch-up provides short form stories straight to your inbox every morning. With exclusive content across politics, business and sport, the Cappuccino Catch-up is a must read for working professionals across the nation.

[Saint Emelie]

LA POSTE D'ÉMELIE

Analyse: Do Saint Émelie really live up to their label?

Jannick Vasellin

Thanks to a series of heroic victories against some of the best teams in the world, Saint Émelie have earned themselves a reputation as one of the Giant-killing teams of the modern international football world.
Their most recent triumph came a couple of matches ago against Darmen, kicking off another wave of Euphoria after a bleaker AOCAF. Individual performances are of course enough to earn a team their reputation, but does the evidence really point to Saint Émelie being that good at cutting their superiors down to size?
Here's a look at some of the matches that have got them where they are, and some of the stats behind them.

The Debut: Saint Émelie 4-3 Vilita and Turori

The first match ever played by the national team produced the first, and arguably greatest, shock result by a Saint Émelie team and was possibly the most unexpected in AOCAF history.

Amélie Martín's side went toe to toe with many of the players that now make up the top two teams in the world and the overwhelming pre-tournament favourites. Les Insulaires' long-balls and counter-attacking play seemed to catch their more experienced opponents by surprise as they crept into a 3-2 lead.
Sustained pressure from the favourites led to a late equaliser, but there was incredibly still time for some Saint Émelie heroics as captain Florian Bastereud powered home Simon Pelletier's cross with just seconds left on the clock, sparking wild celebrations.

Vilita and Turori went on to win the tournament despite the fallout to the defeat, whilst a 2-0 defeat in the subsequent match against Mriin consigned Saint Émelie to an agonising group stage exit. Still, the result showed the squad and its fans just what was possible for them.

The Thrashing: Saint Émelie 4-1 Farfadillis

Following a debut world cup qualifying campaign in which Les Insulaires looked competitive, but failed to punch above their relatively light weight, Amélie Martín and a squad very similar to their debut one returned to regional football. Their first match was a low-key 1-0 loss to Tropicorp, but they kept themselves in with a glimmer of a hope of qualification with a 4-2 win against pot 4 Geisenfried.
To do so however, they would have to better the result of Tropicorp, who would be playing whipping-boys Geisenfried whilst Saint Émelie took on 3rd-seeds Farfadillis.

Things looked even bleaker when Holsteiner gave the Farves the lead after just 8 minutes, but Saint Émelie rallied and dominated the rest of the match. A brace from top-scorer Sara Katjanovic as well as goals from Simon Pelletier and Florence Caseille earned them a 4-1 win in a performance that Amélie Martín described as her side's best ever.

There was more to come from Saint Émelie in the tournament whilst Farfadillis went on to beat Saint Émelie in the teams' quarter-final rematch. In fact the number 3 seeds continued Les Insulaires' trend of beating the eventual winner as they beat Cosumar in a gripping penalty shootout in the final.

The Nervy Knockout: Saint Émelie 0-0 Eshan (4-2 on penalties)

If Saint Émelie's first unexpected triumphs came in free-scoring thrillers, their third was as far from the status quo as possible.

Les Insulaires' round of 16 match as AOCAF 57 was an utterly dour affair, with barely any chances thanks to an impressively stout defensive performance, but a toothless attacking one. Inevitably, the game finished goalless after 120 minutes and went to penalties, where Katjanovic, Bastereud, Pelletier and Marine Fouche all scored before Hubert Joubert made the winning save to earn the side a 4-2 shootout win.

The Stats:

AOCAF stats:

P  W  D  L  GF   GA  GD 
11 6  0  5  16   12  +4

Against AOCAF pot 1 teams:

P  W  D  L  GF  GA GD
5  3  0  2  10  8  +2

When looking at Les Insulaire's AOCAF record, it's pretty clear that there's something going on. They have won over 50% of their matches against pot one opposition, eclipsing even their overall record, and also have a positive goal-difference, mainly thanks to the 4-1 win against Farfadillis.

In fact, half of Saint Émelie's total AOCAF wins have come against pot 1 teams, with their three other victories coming against those ranked bottom of their group. That means that Les Insulaires have never won a game against a pot 2 side in the AOCAF.

Nevertheless, the fact that Saint Émelie's record against the best in the region is better than their overall regional record is impressive and shows that when it comes to the AOCAF, Saint Émelie really are giant-killers.

Unfortunately, their record in the World Cup is not so good. Saint Émelie have played 5 games against pot 1 opposition, won 1 and lost 4. They did taste victory for the first time a few matches ago against Darmen however and sit in a comfortable mid-table position ahead of the second half of the campaign. Overall, there's no major record to suggest there's anything special going on though.

Or is there?

[Dreamplanet]

THE CHASE IS BACK ON

With a 4-2 win over Freeport, Dreamplanet now have Eura in their sights.

Os Tricores had an opponent the likes of which they had never seen, ponies (with the exception of Torvald Royle) but they were Dreamplanet's opponents still, Os Tricores were able to knock Freeport off the saddle as they are still in a desperate fight to get to Eura, now that Flavovespia tied with Eura, is a play-off place possible?

Yet in the first half, everything looked so bleak for Dreamplanet, Torvald Royle opened the scoring in 9 minutes via a expertly placed penalty after being tackled by Luis Silva as he attempted to clear the ball, Torvald Royle got his second of the game just 9 minutes after his 9th minute goal as he hit a low shot under the diving goalkeeper, with Dreamplanet 2-0 down there was only one thing to do, try to get as much goals as possible. Aaron Hungar would respond in less than 5 minutes when he had an amazing run through the midfield and then was able to hit a low shot past Kukiri who couldn't get her hooves to it. Luis Silva would make it 2-2 before half time when Miguel Benedito ran down the wing, passed it down the inside to Aaron Hungar who then passed it to Luis Silva, able to score easily to make it a tied game before the half.

The second half was where Dreamplanet showed their confidence that had been missing since the Western Bjornaic match, however Freeport did have a chance when Puzzle Piece attempted a header from a corner, however Filipe Vaz was able to catch it, Aaron Hungar gave Dreamplanet the lead when he was able to wriggle free of his marker and tap-in a corner, Os Tricores were looking relaxed but were also wary to keep Freeport at bay. Storm Chill was able to storm through the defence in the 73rd minute, looking for an equaliser she hoofed the ball as hard as possible, it went straight at Filipe Vaz but he spilled it, it was going into the goal until Jorge Cardozo was there to boot the ball into safety, and finally Luis Silva wrapped up the game with 9 minutes of regular time left with an eccentric bicycle kick from a cross, everyone was stunned by what he just did, including Luis Silva himself, wrapping up the much needed 3 points for Dreamplanet.

With Eura's 1-1 draw against Flavovespia, Dreamplanet find themselves seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, it will require beating Eura and getting a good result against Ko-oren, not to mention a win against Western Bjornaic, but it's now looking possible for Dreamplanet.

Dreamplanet 4 - 2 Freeport
(Luis Silva 41', 81', Aaron Hungar 21', 65' - 9' (pen.), 18' Torvald Royle)
Libon, Dreamplanet

Fixtures:
August 1st - MD1: Western Bjornaic 2-6 Dreamplanet
August 2nd - MD2: Dreamplanet 3-4 Eura 
August 4th - MD3: Ko-oren 3-2 Dreamplanet 
August 5th - MD4: Dreamplanet 1-1 Flavovespia
August 6th - MD5: Torisakia 1-1 Dreamplanet
August 9th - MD6: Bye
August 10th - MD7: Dreamplanet 4-2 Freeport
August 12th - MD8: Dreamplanet vs Western Bjornaic
August 13th - MD9: Eura vs Dreamplanet
August 14th - MD10: Dreamplanet vs Ko-oren
August 16th - MD11: Flavovespia vs Dreamplanet
August 17th - MD12: Torisakia vs Dreamplanet
August 19th - MD13: Bye
August 21st - MD14: Freeport vs Dreamplanet

Group M                             Pld   W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Ko-oren                            6    4   2   0    12    5   +7    14
2 Eura                               6    3   3   0    15    9   +6    12
3 Dreamplanet                        6    2   2   2    17   13   +4     8
4 Freeport                           6    2   2   2    13   11   +2     8
5 Torisakia                          6    2   2   2    11   14   −3     8
6 Flavovespia                        6    1   3   2    11   13   −2     6
7 Western Bjornaic                   6    0   0   6     5   19  −14     0

Qualified for World Cup
Qualified for Playoffs
Eliminated

[Krytenia]

A Schott In The Arm
By Rami Niblick in Stanton

SOMETIMES the stories write themselves. With the Dragons returning to the scene of the crime that was their five-four defeat to Schottia four decades ago, the narrative asked for someone to step up and deliver the goods. It seemed almost too good to be true that said saviour would be the Dockers' own local hero. Then again, few footballers have the footballing DNA that Selaphiel Kennedy has. In a game that went back and forth throughout the ninety minutes, young Selly was the maestro putting his stamp on the game and bringing Krytenia right into the qualification mixer.

Alexander Sampson, too, will take praise from a performace that showed the Dragons' new look defence's resilience. There were none of the faltering steps, wandering full-back issues, or players woefully out of position we'd seen in the early stages of qualifying. True, Schottia did score twice, but as one was a thirty-yard screamer that whizzed past Marcus Washington and the other, though a header Miguel Torres was beaten to, was hardly his fault, that can perhaps be forgiven. Certainly, the mature manner in which Stephen Mariner and Josh Coquelin pulled the strings in midfield serves as evidence that Sampson has found the balance in the squad.

With all this being said, what does the second half of qualifying have in store? Well, the flippant answer is "six more games". The crux of the matter, though, is were it not be for the slip-up against Sinyal, the Dragons would be two points clear atop the group. Six wins may be a big ask, but given the side are hitting top form, it might just be possible. Onward!

KRYTENIA - 3
Kennedy 25, 51, 82

SCHOTTIA - 2
Someone 18
Someone Else 75

[HUElavia]

Matchday 7 involved HUElavia playing their 6th match of the Qualifiers, hosting Sinyal at the newly renovated and redesigned Estadio Ronaldo Assis in San Rafael. In a sold out crowd, HUElavia expected to get an easy win against Sinyal, but alas, the Football Gods had other plans.

Starting out with their B-Team, HUElavia started out with a fantastic strike by Eduardo going past the goalkeeper at the 10th minute of the match, which was set up by a long and low pass by Suzuki. But 5 minutes later, Sinyal tied the game at 1-1. Right before the end of the half, at the 44th minute, a foul was done on Nakata in the penalty box, allowing Vazquez to convert the penalty kick and make it 2-1 for the end of the 1st half.

In the 2nd half, the match went by smoothly until the final 10 minutes of the match. A foul committed by Prso in the penalty box allowed for Sinyal to equalize a penalty kick of their own and made it 2-2. A few minutes later in the 86th minute, Nakata intercepted a pass in the center circle, and ran down with the defense off their marks, and ran along with Suzuki, having a one-on-one with the goalkeeper. Right before the goalkeeper could dive, Nakata passed to his left and Suzuki tapped in the ball into the net, sending the stadium to erupt in joy for the 3-2 lead. Celebrations would not last, as on the final movement of the match, a long shot by a Sinyal fullback slid past Armelino, ending the game at 3-3, a disappointment for Los Amarillos as they expected to have been able to win the match by a large margin.

HUElavia finishes the first half of the Qualifiers for World Cup 83 in 1st Place with 13 points and a record of 4-1-1. Although tied for 1st with Mercedini, HUElavia leads on the merits of having scored the most goals (19 to 14), conceded the least amount of goals (8 to 9), having a better goal difference (+11 to +5), and leading the head-to-head results (HUElavia won 2-4 at Mercedini).

The next match will be HUElavia hosting Mercedini at Estadio Edison Arantes in the capital, Curumba. It is Sold-Out, meaning 80,000 HUElavians will be supporting Los Amarillos for one of two home games in what can be the direct qualification on the line. Mercedini are the favorite for the match, but HUElavia will not surrender for what can be their biggest game to date. There is a certain feeling in the air for HUElavia, the belief that they could sweep a Pot 1 team for the first time in team history, and possibly getting closer to their 1st ever World Cup appearance.

FORCA HUELAVIA! VAMOS HUELAVIA! GO HUELAVIA!

[Darmen]

From the Office of the President of the Republic

A Request for Reconsideration and Clarification

With regards to recent statements made by the Government of Qusmo on the issue of Immigration

Drolx-Dalox Aka
Qusmi Bez of the State of Qusmo

Dear Drolx-Dalox Aka,

I have taken note of your Government’s most recent statement with regards to immigration into Qusmo and am greatly alarmed by it. While I share your and so many other's concerns about the situation in South Covello and other locations throughout the multiverse, I can not bring myself to believe that the imposition of immigration restrictions is in anyway a solution. In fact, it is my firm belief that such restrictions will only further inflame the hatred that seems to be spreading ever faster and further through the multiverse.

I strongly implore you to reconsider your decision.

If you choose to maintain your Government’s current course with regards to immigration, I would like, on behalf of my own Government, to ask for clarification on two matters.

Firstly, what is your Government’s position on the international flights between Scott City International Airport and the Polan and Qanz International Airports? Will such flights be permitted to continue? Will the Government of Qusmo commit itself to ensure the safety of Darmeni and non-Qusmi’y travelers traveling on such flights if they are to continue?

Since their introduction, the flights connecting Darmen and Qusmo have been a significant benefit to both nations, and it is the Darmeni Government’s desire that both nations should continue to enjoy such benefits. If however the Qusma Government halts the flights between Darmen and Qusmo, Darmen will be forced to look for alternative means to provide our citizens with international travel options and we can not guarantee that Darmen will allow flights to resume should the Qusma Government decide to reverse its decision.

Secondly, what is your Government’s position on Darmenis currently residing in or visiting Qusmo? How will your Government’s decision to end all further immigration apply to them? Will the Government of Qusmo commit itself to ensuring their safety?

As a personal request, I would like to know how the Qusma Government’s most recently issued immigration policy will affect the status of Myrddin Falkenrath, a Darmeni national who is currently goalkeeper with KF Trew? Will the Government of Qusmo commit itself to ensuring their safety?

I look forward to receiving your Government’s responses to my questions and would once again like to reiterate my strong desire for you to reconsider your Government’s decision.

Sincerely,

Tor Tong Lee
President of the Republic

[Polkopia]

Chapter 1 • Chapter 2 • Chapter 3 • Chapter 4 (Part 1) • Chapter 4 (Part 2) • Chapter 5 (Part 1) • Chapter 5 (Part 2) • Chapter 6 • Chapter 7 • Chapter 8 • Chapter 9 (1) (2) (3)

The following passages are taken directly from Polkopian author, Yakub Orvin's novel, Pelyučidnost', in which he describes the novel as a sort of a revitalization of the "golden age" of Polkopian literature dating back to the 18th century. By releasing the novel to the public, Orvin hopes to grow his international fanbase, as well as showcase the "hidden treasure" of Polkopian literature to the multiverse.

---

09. Aleksis (Part 4)


Aleksis turned back to the Grand Duke but there was no longer anybody behind him. In a matter of seconds, Sentrov had turned around and immersed himself in the crowd once more and Aleksis couldn’t help but to smile, but quickly turned back to Kraster. Just as he did, his father barged in the room and shouted over the crowd.

“My lords and ladies, counts, dukes, and everyone else to whom every Polkopian owes their biggest praise, for it is the enlightened individuals in this room that bring this nation out of the stone age and into the modern world, for you think in place of those who cannot, you employ those who would otherwise be beggars on the streets, and you attract those from foreign lands who have since the birth of Feofan, have ignored this great and beautiful land, inhabited by the proudest and most resilient people this world has ever seen, and it is my honor to be in the company of such people.”

As he spoke, the room fell completely silent and the entire room looked upon the King who, in an elegant fur robe whose fur complimented the cub heads swung over his shoulder and whose heads lap limp over his left breast, strode around the room in an elegant fashion, commanding such a presence that not a single soul dared to speak in fear of either swift capital punishment or the immediate rejection and ostracization of all the greatest in Polkopia.

His father had once told Aleksis of Veronika Alveevna, wife of Lord Vanya Alveev who supported the Ka’an Vezhnenko in his failed attempt to instill himself, a Nogti and a heathen, on the Polkopian throne and depose the King Daarius. Once the revolt was snuffed out by the king’s forces, the Ka’an and his closest followers were hanged in Peeto and remained on the scaffold for many months until an anonymous figure stole the bodies and gave them a proper burial. This occurrence happened three days prior to a royal celebration, which was conducted in order to celebrate the King’s triumph, and the Madame Alveevna, who retained her position at court due to her charity work in Valinkova and had been invited to the event, interrupted the King during his commencement speech, chanting “Glory to Vezhnenko!” The King had her swiftly arrested, her tongue was snipped, and she was given fifty lashes on the knout. Only when she was released was she allowed to live on the condition that she live the rest of her life in a covenant and Madame Alveevna’s name henceforth was never spoken aloud by the high lords and ladies of the Polkopia high court although everyone remembered it as an incentive to never interrupt the king during one of his speeches again.

After a brief pause the king continued, “And among such a class of people has my son found a woman, who is as charming and beautiful as she is humble and intelligent, to call his own and take upon as his wife in the presence of God and men alike. The lovely Fiora Diga will dance the Šančečka tonight, but at this moment I’d like to invite everybody to cease socializing for the coming moments and join us in dance.”

At the notion of dance, several men dressed in bright red, green, and blue shirts, and who all wore sleeves that puffed out several inches apart from their wrists, opened one of the doors in the back end of the ballroom and scurried to a raised triangular surface positioned at the very back corner of the room, where they then positioned themselves in several rows, holding designated instruments among themselves, and instruments of all sorts were scattered among the group of funny men. In the few seconds of silence that followed, there came a tapping from one of the men and on the count of three the orchestra began to play. Once the orchestra played the majority of people in the middle began to retreat to the perimeter of the room with some even going so far as to leave through one of the doors and continue their conversations in other areas of the palace. The King barely seemed to notice and extended his arm to his side where his wife, the Queen Ekaterina seemed to appear out of thin air and who graciously took her husbands hand, standing at his side, and the royal couple proceeded to the center of the room and began to dance.

As the minutes passed, more and more men and women trickled into the middle and soon, the ballroom was filled with people twirling and waltzing around the room, with many onlookers surrounding the perimeter, who all scanned the dancers, hoping that they’d earn the right to dance with any charming fellow or dazzling lady that found themselves without a partner moments before the next song began. The time of dance was always a strange one to Aleksis, men danced with other men’s wives while the same women would go on the night dancing with countless other men. Aleksis took his place along the outside perimeter of the ballroom, but many were quick to approach him and ask to dance, requests which would be of poor taste for him to refuse, and he dare not embarrass the crown in such fashion, and he found himself parading in the center of the ballroom with several ladies of the court, making small talk with them as he led them in the same routine he had been taught thousands of times.

The first was Lady Jane Vivčenka, a peasant girl who had been a serf for most of her childhood before being rescued in a Kakan raid. She was bought and sold several times among the officials before fleeing to Restnov and becoming a serf yet again to Lord Vivchenko, who immediately recognized her beauty and offered to marry her on the condition that she bear him a son, a request which was fulfilled a year into their marriage. The second was Draaka Zonkovskaya, a woman who earned her rank based off of birth, and whose father married her off at a young age to Lord Boris Zonkovskiy, who resided just outside of Peeto and owned the King’s favorite vineyard, though he was far too young to remember any redeeming qualities about her. She was far more pleasant than Lady Vivčenka, though still had little of interest to say. On and on, these dances with random strangers persisted until bells erupted from every corner of the room., signaling that midnight had arrived and Aleksis was to dance with Fiora Diga. Aleksis scanned the room and locked eyes with his bride-to-be, who had just finished dancing with the Grand Duke Sentrov. Sentrov whispered something into Fiora’s ear and she nodded before shoving past some of the other dancers, who themselves in the process of leaving the floor, and Fiora met Aleksis at the very center of the stage.

Before the Šančečka began, the sound of tapping flooded the ballroom one final time and on the third tap, the song commenced. The entire center of the ballroom had cleared out and everyone stood along the perimeter to witness this ceremony. Aleksis held Fiora just above the waist with one hand and held her other hand at eye level, a short distance from both of their heads, moving their wrists around one another in a pattern that would have otherwise seemed very odd but when performed in a duet, the intertwining of one’s hand and fingers with another’s brings about a mirage of one’s extremities passing through his partner’s as if the lead possessed qualities similar to that of a phantom. Upon his placement of his hand upon her dress, Aleksis found his hand trembling and had to frequently move his hand across the fabric of her dress in order to wipe the sweat that had permeated across the surface of his palm. In this dance, he was expected to lead his bride-to-be, however throughout the intricate hand motions, he found himself stumbling and missing the cue on several of the most important gestures of the dance.

One, two, three clap
One two three spin
One two three clap
One two three twirl

Those were the movements he had been instructed to memorize. During the steps he was supposed to perform the same hand motions that he had been taught several times over, but he just couldn’t get them right. Over and over again, one misstep and his hands collided with Fiora’s in what had already became a clumsy ordeal and what was starting to develop into an embarrassing display of a royal performance. He spun away from her as he counted the steps in his head, and whilst they were in-sync with each other, Aleksis stumbled over his own foot and had to keep himself from falling over. Aleksis looked at Fiora, keeping her in his sights, but his vision started to become even more distorted than before and in the seconds it took for him to regain his senses, he failed to move closer to her on the next cue, and began the third set of hand motion out of sync with the music. Aleksis felt a hand grasp around the same hand which tried – and failed – to perform the motions and guided him in the pattern he needed to follow. Aleksis looked up at his hand, and then back at Fiora, who only looked at him with a stone-cold face. Throughout his missteps, an expression of pure elegance and passivity was frozen on her face and one could hardly tell that she had noticed all of his blunders. The two clapped and Aleksis thought he saw Fiora nod at him, but the procession into the next step happened far too quickly and Aleksis’s thoughts soon progressed to counting the cues in his head before he fully understood. Be that as it may, Aleksis caught himself from making further errors in his dance and soon caught on. Him and Fiora started to dance in one unit and the previous embarrassment which he felt was long gone.

[The Sarian]

The Cappuccino Catch-up

Who's who? The 43 candidates running for President in 100 words*:
*ish

Part One of Four

Hanif Abbaq (Harmony - The Alliance for Racial Justice)
Hanif Abbaq is a campaigner for racial equality, standing as the candidate for the Harmony Alliance. Last year, he ran for City Council in Beaumont coming a narrow second in the South Highfields Ward and has indicated that he will run in next year's Union Convention elections. His top priorities include: an independent body to investigate complaints against police, the lifting of bans against state-funded religious or cultural schools and a national holiday to celebrate immigrants and immigrant culture. Abaqq has a polling average of just 0.2% but believes that a strong campaign in inner cities can lift him into the second round.

Su Adams (Patriotic Front)
Su Adams is a former parish councillor and long-time far right activist and is the nominee for the Patriotic Front. After being kicked out of the Florican Party following their crackdown on white supremacists in 2997 (a recurring theme amongst Presidential candidates), she set up the Patriotic Front though has yet to see any electoral success. Adams' core pledge is to pay non-white immigrants to expatriate to their place of origin. She also opposes wind farms and government surveillance, claiming that her house is bugged by the Sari Internal Security Force. Our tracker has her polling below 0.1%.

Jacinda Ali (Radical Democratic Movement)
Jacinda Ali is the nominee for the Radical Democratic Movement. A lecturer in Forensic Chemistry at the The Commons University, Ali has gained an increasing media presence arguing for democratic reform. She pledges to serve just one term, with the soul focus to implement reforms to the Union Convention including: closed list proportional representation for the National Assembly, the right for the electorate to recall their delegates, the public funding of elections and allowing lay-citizens to initiate referenda by petition. She has indicated that she will appoint a cross-party Executive on consociational principles.

Michael Anchorage (Class War)
Michael Anchorage is the candidate for Class War, a militant socialist party who shockingly won five assembly seats in the last Election for the Union Convention. A former Left Unity Senator, Anchorage is the oldest candidate in the race at eighty-four years old. Standing on an 'unashamedly proletariat' platform, he pledges to nationalise and re-open large swathes of industry, make housing a human right and replace the Executive Office of Defence with an 'Executive Office of Peace'. Anchorage is becoming infamous for his use of 'memes' on social media though our poll tracker currently has him on 0.7%, well below the threshold for the second round.

Leonard Bradgate (Left Unity)
Leonard Bradgate was the surprise winner of the Left Unity hustings, defeating front-runner and Executive Councillor for Health, Louise Pollard. Nethertheless, the Governor of New Saria will look to use his distance from Left Unity's controversial coalition with the Florican Party to improve on their anemic poll rating. Whilst our tracker currently has him averaging at 12.2%, some polls before his selection saw Left Unity on as low as 4%. Core Bradgate promises include increases in the minimum wage, increased funding for schools and hospitals and the expansion of civic service to all school leavers.

Loras Breen (Tax The Rich!)
A convicted convict, Loras Breen only qualifies as a candidate as his sentence ends five days prior for the first ballot. We have been unable to reach out to Breen, as he and his entire listed campaign team are unable to be reached due to ongoing prison sentences. His campaign website indicates that he is running on a single-pledge campaign to implement a higher tax bracket of 99% for all earnings over a million imperia, including overseas wealth. A surprise candidate, he is yet to register on our poll tracker.

Sen Bright (Legalise Cannabis)
Readers will best know Senthuran 'Sen' Bright as a comedian on shows such as 'The News at Swen' and 'This Week Again'. A passionate Speaker, Bright has hit out at the networks refusal to show debates during the Presidential campaign, and has vowed to regularly hold Chirpr lives discussions between himself and other candidates during the debates. Legalise Cannabis have said that they will be submitting a full slate of candidates for next year's Convention Elections, and currently hold one councillor on the aptly named Highfields Ward Council.

Simon Brown (Patriots League)
A former Assembly Member for the Florican Party, Simon Brown has taken an explicitly white nationalist turn since being expelled in the cull of 2997. After narrowly failing to win the Tukanville West by-election, Brown has found an increased following though is currently polling at around 1% in our tracker. His key pledges include limiting state benefits to 'people with undeniable Sari heritage', seen as a proxy to ban people of colour from state welfare and a 'one in, one out' immigration policy. He has also argued for the government to have the power to shut down of Mosques and Temples 'that aid terrorists'.

Henry Budgen (Sari National Party)
Another white supremacist, Henry Budgen is the nominee for the Sari National Party. The party, which has fallen heavily since it won sixteen seats in the 2986 Convention Elections, has spent most of the campaign thus far arguing with the other far-right parties that they are the 'true believers' in the white supremacist cause. Perhaps the most authoritarian-minded candidate, Budgen has vowed to increase army spending and place curves on civil liberties 'where necessary to protect Sari lives'. Budgen has previously expressed his admiration for the Corvidae regime.

Henry Burlington (Prosperity and Growth)
Henry Burlington, Prosperity and Growth's Leader and sole Member of the Legislative Assembly is their candidate for President. A former member of One Nation, Burlington is running as the 'most economically liberal candidate'. With plans to cut regulation, he has faced criticism by some who believe he will reduce workers rights and increase poverty. Other key pledges include: the expansion of toll roads, educational tax credits and an investment scheme which will see tax breaks for people investing in small and medium sized businesses. Our poll tracker currently has him on 0.4%.

Sampson Cornell (More United)
A self described 'radical centrist', Sampson Cornell is running to 'bring to country together'. He previously ran in the Beaumont City Council elections; despite a headline pledge to make public transport free, he failed to be elected collecting just two hundred and six votes. His key pledges include the expansion of civic service, the raising of the threshold to pay income tax and increased funding for education. He has said that he will not to attack the other candidates, instead focusing on the positives of his own campaign though has also refused to debate with 'white nationalists'. Our poll tracker has him currently on less than 0.1%.

The Cappuccino Catch-up is a daily service run by The Union newspaper, a liberal leaning paper which distributes across The Sarian. Costing just one imperia a month, the Catch-up provides short form stories straight to your inbox every morning. With exclusive content across politics, business and sport, the Cappuccino Catch-up is a must read for working professionals across the nation.

Lineup vs Kelssek (4-5-1 DM): O. Bernstein; B. Saxon-White, P. Fitzsimons, A. Grieg, K. Sinclair; E. Pointing; F. Hawking, F. Da Souza, I. Stanway, M. Jones; L. Pieterson

[Sajnur]

WCQ83: Half Way

The Sajnuran national football team sits fourth in Group B after six of twelve matches having won two, drawn two, and lost two. Sitting seven points from top seeds Audioslavia, direct qualification is extremely unlikely, but a spot in the second group stage is still possible as the team is just three points from the surprise performers of the Tornado Queendom team, who currently sit an improbable second. While fourth could be considered an expected position for the fourth seeds, the current situation could be considered a disappointment after the defeat of Filindostan on Matchday Two, especially as the second seeds sit fifth. Something much better than two wins in six matches will be required for Sajnur to reach the World Cup, even through the second group stage.

Part One

Sajnur v Brusseldorf

Sajnur opened its World Cup qualifying campaign in front of a sell-out crowd at the National Stadium, with 84th ranked Brusseldorf the visiting adversaries, and Los Alrededores left the encounter with a point, two evenly matched teams playing an evenly matched match. The back and forth affair produced plenty of shots and chances from both teams, but the defences and the keepers were largely up to the job preventing the score from ballooning out to obscenity.

The first half was an exciting, if aesthetically unpleasing, 45 minutes of football, with the frequent attacks interspersed with equally frequent fouls, resulting in a whopping seven minutes of added time before the break. Sarah Pickett kicked off the fouls early with a 3rd minute foul on Sajnur captain Jessica Siafik while trying to put the visitors ahead. Brusseldorf captain and striker Teddy Wolfenden was awarded two fouls via VAR, resulting in two free kicks for Giroud Sidi, both shot high, and two spells of booing from the more than 100,000 home fans, who drowned out the cheers of the thousand or so Brusseldorf fans. Pickett finished off the half by getting sent off chopping down Zain Hasan in the centre circle, the scores empty at half time.

The second half was a more subdued affair, or at least started that way, until Richard Sciolan took out Kaori Hajat in midfield, resulting in him being stretchered off and replaced by U-21 alumni Kabas Verjez, who proceeded to blast the free kick from 40 yards past Antony Providence to give Sajnur the lead and trigger deafening cheers from the home fans. Sadly, Verjez and co were unable to stop the Brusseldorf attack as Kahala Murje hacked down Wolfenden, receiving a yellow card for her troubles as the visiting captain placed his penalty off the post and into goal to equalise. The Sajnuran defence did hold out for a draw, but a disappointing, if not surprising, opening day was the result.

Sajnur v Filindostan

Sajnur’s first travelling fixture was to the archipelago nation of Filindostan, whose team seemed, and still seem, in fact, to be unprepared for this season of international football, and despite being ranked 41st, the hosts were soundly beaten by our Sajnurans, conceding three goals and scoring none. What can you expect when you only have 23% possession on home turf?

Other than the three goals, there really wasn’t all that much to write about. Sajnur played conservatively, with the main aim being to keep the ball away from the hosts and to expend as little energy as possible in the tropical conditions. The first half had two of those goals, starting with Andre Naulo going Geronimo and dribbling through most of the Filindostan team before curling past their keeper for the opening goal. The rest of the half saw more showmanship from the players, including several nutmegs and rainbow flicks before Kahala Murje sent in an early low cross to Sian Levici who dragged the ball away from an onrushing defender and rolled it past the keeper for a half time score of 2-0. The second half started with Andre Naulo being substituted off for Parjazu, the U-21 player making his senior debut. Even less happened in the second half, with the only real excitement being the elements of flash woven into the tiki taka and the odd shot being saved by the Filindo goalkeeper. The third goal came midway through the second half as Parjazu sent through an adventurous Taulant Haji, coming inside to receive the ball well forward of the usual fullback position, not that Sajnur really heeds such concepts, and Haji shifted past two defenders and curled in nearside to make it 3-0.

Sajnur v Audioslavia

It was back to mediocrity for our players as top seeds Audioslavia came knocking at the Niurka, and they received all three points as expected. Ranked 14th in the world, the visitors put up a display of ability that could not be matched by our Sajnurans, the 98-rank difference showing on the field despite the efforts of Sajnur and the cheers of more than 60,000 Sajnurans in the stands. Sajnur held 40% possession and had six shots at goal, of which three were on target, while the top seeds had 15 shots at goal, of which ten were on target.

Audioslavia took control of the match immediately, starving Sajnur of possession for most of the first half and forcing the defence to make tackle after tackle, and eventually the fouls piled up, with Taulant Haji, Zain Hasan, and David Kiral all receiving yellows in the first half. The pressure eventually worked its way through as Audioslavia scored their first goal. The second half was largely the same, as the tourists scored a second goal soon after the break, and Sihano Kerero, having come on for Hasan, was sent off late in the game for a crunching tackle on an Audioslavian about to shoot for goal. The penalty was, however, kept out by Piotr Laghiev, his fingertip save keeping the scoreline respectable and lifting the spirits of the home fans.

[Tamgu]

TAMGU PLAYER GONE MISSING

Last night after the match against Ancherion, Tamgu National Team Defender Han Tekran has gone missing after last being seen by his teammates. He is reported to have driven off to an unknown place in his Farlare X100 Sports car.

He has not answered to any calls to his cellphone, his relatives and friends don't have any information as to why he has disappeared. Almost all of them have told that they thought it might be because of his mental problems. His favourite restaurant and bar have been checked with no answers. He seems to have stopped at a gas station, but the worker there has told that he hadn't recognised him but has confirmed that he had seen a Farlare X100 on the night of his disappearance.

The camera shots aren't clear enough to confirm his license plate or face, so it is only a possibility. If you see Tekran anywhere please contact our WozzUp number, (+2440) 660 342 12 32.

Han Tekran

[Abanhfleft]

CRESCENT NEWS NETWORK
SPORTS CHANNEL - OFFICIAL WEBSITE
ABANHFLEFT • PRIDNESTROVIA • OONTAZ DERT LI NG • COPPER CUPRUM • TRENDSTART • FHULGHAMOUS PENINSULA

RANULPH BUSTAMANTE SACKED AFTER "SHAMEFUL" NT PERFORMANCE IN WC QUALIFIERS
By Malik Qazizadah


Former Abanhfleft men's national football team manager Ranulph Bustamante reacts to the Revolutionaries conceding a goal during a World Cup 83 qualifying match. (Courtesy of Crescent News Network Sports Channel/Andros Tasasa)

RIUWIEE - Ranulph Bustamante's time as manager of the Abanhfleft men's national football team has come to an end after the Samahang Futbol ng Abanhfleft announced that it has terminated his contract "with immediate effect".

The decision came after Abanhfleft succumbed to a 2-1 defeat away to Axuva in the qualifiers for the 83rd World Cup, where the Revolutionaries have only managed to collect 5 points out of a possible 18.

"The current performance of the men's national team is nothing short of shameful and a disgrace to the Samahan and the people of Abanhfleft, and it is for that very reason that the Samahang Futbol ng Abanhfleft has decided to terminate Mr. Bustamante's contract to manage the Abanhfleft men's national football team with immediate effect," said the official statement released by the SFA on Sunday afternoon.

Prior to his sacking, Bustamante had been at the helm of various Fleftic senior football teams for over eleven years, taking over the women's team from Kasper Molak before the start of the World Cup 74 qualifiers before becoming sole manager of the men's team in time for World Cup 75 qualifying. Bustamante then led Abanhfleft to three World Cups, but he was unable to take the Revolutionaries further than the group stage.

Following what has been now accepted as a general and common downturn in Abanhfleft's sporting fortunes in recent years, in the buildup to the current World Cup qualifiers Bustamante has all but practically admitted that he was "living on borrowed time" as Abanhfleft manager depending on the results that he could produce on the pitch, and with the Revolutionaries' performance being among the worst among Pot 1 and Pot 2 nations participating in the qualifiers, it was clear that the bell had finally tolled for this loyal and hardworking public servant.

However, it appears as if the SFA has already had its mind set on letting Bustamante go sometime in the current qualifying cycle since, hours after announcing Bustamante's sacking, the SFA then announced the appointment of Ignatius Braun as the Revolutionaries' new manager. Braun, a former Pridnestrovian international and previously manager of Pridnestrovia's Sheriff Tiraspol, is known in his home country as being an expert in defensive football and has on more than one occasion that "winning 1-0 is preferable to winning 5-4".


Pridnestrovian manager and former international Ignatius Braun was announced as Ranulph Bustamante's replacement by the SFA hours after Bustamante's contract was terminated by the federation. (Courtesy of Pridnestrovian Central News Agency/Barfolomey Fisenko)

While a lot of local and international pundits are all in agreement that it was time for Bustamante to go, the very same pundits are now disunited on what kind of effect Braun's appointment will have on the future of the Revolutionaries. Many agree that Braun will bring some desperately needed defensive solidity into the team, but whether this new team will be able to live up to Abanhfleft's reputation as a creative and attacking side has now got analysts up in arms.

"Ignatius Braun is precisely the man that Abanhfleft needs at this very moment," CNN Sports analyst Bohuslav Gavrilyuk said on the program Kick-Around. "He knows how to plug the leaks in a team, and that's clearly the reason why the SFA brought him on. I don't really care whether Abanhfleft continues being the attacking side that we've become used to see; they need to fix the problems with their defense and throwing more and more goalscores, proven or otherwise, into the team is not going to mean a thing unless they stop leaking goals themselves."

Gavrilyuk's fellow Kick-Around panelist MacArthur Jackson begged to disagree, at least with Gavrilyuk's latter points. "The fans expect to see this team playing a certain style of football whenever they go to the stadium or turn on their televisions or computers or tablets or wherever they're watching," he stated. "They have become used to watching Abanhfleft play in a certain style for over eleven years, and unless Braun brings us some form of success I don't see him winning them over anytime soon. I know that he has the football brains to bring us success and he still hasn't won me over just yet. Ignatius Braun needs to convince me, and Abanhfleft, that he is the right man for the job."

Neither Bustamante nor Braun were available for comment when they were contacted by CNN Sports.

(OOC: To the hosts, starting from this post, please give Abanhfleft a style modifier of -2. Thank you.)

[Flavovespia]

Flavovespia 1–1 Eura

A major shock happened at the Hornet's Nest, as unranked Flavovespia managed to hold world #7 Eura to a 1-1 draw. The result is undoubtedly one of the shocks of the whole World Cup qualifiers, let alone just in Group M, and it's a result that will be remembered by the nation for a long, long time.

Eura had drawn with Ko-oren in their previous encounter, but were safe in the knowledge that a win over Flavovespia puts them back on top of Group M. It was no surprise to see the visitors attack vigorously at the start of the game, keen to get an early lead and impose the gulf of quality between the teams onto the scoresheet. However it was not going to script. The back 5 of Flavovespia, with Ronald Maddox and Stephen Moore playing as full backs and not wing backs, were going a stellar job of keeping play ahead of them. Through balls were struggling to work, helped by Henrik Jensen and James King also tracking back to help the defence.

The story of the first half was largely that of Eura fighting it out with the Flavovespia defence and midfield. One shot on target and one shot off target was all the hosts got, and the shot on target was little more than a softly scuffed shot by Andrew Mason, fortunately not in a clear cut scoring opportunity. The less said about Eura's best chance, the better. Dion Underwood broke free of the Flavovespia defence, and his fierce shot was tipped away by Conor Harrington, but into the path of Anthony Townsend. The attacking midfielder stormed in, but somehow completely blasted his shot high and wide, with almost all of the goal free for him. Michael Brandon could not believe it, with Eura somehow blowing up yet another great opportunity, their attacking woes continuing.

At the end of the first half, despite the pressure from Eura, the score was 0-0. It was certainly the hosts the most happy with that, having held on for 45 minutes against the group's top seeds, and hoping that they could do so again for another 45 minutes to secure at least one famous point. Meanwhile the visitors wondered how they weren't ahead, and what the options were going forward.

Eura seemed to be even more frustrated in the 54th minute, when Brian Bond chested a ball down under pressure from John Calvert, and hit a beautiful half volley. It flashed past Harrington, and looked to be going in, but it caught the inside of the post, and Calvert was able to then scramble the ball away off the line. Protests by the Euran striker and some teammates that it was a goal were nullified by the video reviews, showing that not all of the ball was over the line.

Finally Eura got a breakthrough in the 66th minute, and it's hard to argue it was undeserved, given the Euran dominance. Monica Rowland was proving to be a Euran fan favourite, and took the ball close to the box. Ronald Maddox and Calvert were closing her down, but the midfielder got away a beautiful curling shot. The ball flew perfectly into the top corner of the goal, a shot Harrington could do little about, and Eura had the breakthrough. 1-0 to the visitors, and the valiant efforts of the hosts were looking for naught once again.

Eura pressed on for more goals, but Flavovespia weren't looking too keen to push up and give up space behind in the attempts for an equaliser. Patrick Cannon came on for John Calvert, the former bringing some muscle to the defence in an attempt to frustrate the Eura forward line. Despite good defence, as the minutes kicked on, Flavovespia had to go forward to get anything from the game.

In the 88th minute, an in a dramatic reversal of previous games, the moment many dreamed of but felt was slipping away finally happened. Maddox had bombed down the wing, in a rare adventure forward this game. Hitting a cross towards the far post, the ball was knocked away by Charles Roberts, with Andrew Mason and Scott Coleman waiting to head the ball home. However the ball fell into the path of Steven Hall who was rushing in to the attack. With the ball teed up perfectly at his right foot in the D of the penalty box, Hall put his laces through it, and Robert Griffin couldn't reach the ball as it flew past his left side and buried itself in the net. Flavovespia had pulled off a dramatic equaliser in the dying minutes, sending the crowd into pandemonium.

Nick Cole didn't even try and hide the fact he would now take a point, subbing off both Andrew Mason and Scott Coleman for central defenders Mark James and Tony Gardner. Flavovespia now had 5 centre backs, 2 wing backs, 2 defensive midfielders and a lone attacking midfielder/striker. Indeed goalscorer Hall was content to loiter on the halfway line, as a counter-attacking threat. Eura tried desperately to find a winner in injury time, but there were far too many bodies in front of them, as Flavovespia saw out the game.

There was a huge wave of celebration in the crowd when the whistle finally went, Flavovespia had pulled off a major shock. Even though it was just a draw, the players, coaches, and manager stayed for several minutes on the pitch, celebrating and taking in the applause. As for Eura, the visitors walked off despondent, knowing they'd dropped 2 points on leaders Ko-oren, and now needing a win against them to guarantee qualification without help from another side.

At the halfway point, Ko-oren on 14 and Eura on 12 are the leaders of Group M. They've opened a gap to the chasing pack of Dreamplanet, Freeport and Torisakia all on 8, those nations probably in the hunt for a Cup of Harmony spot, or an outside shot at the qualifying playoffs. Flavovespia are 6th on 6, a little below initial expectations, but results are looking much stronger now and hopefully the Hornets will be feared in the 2nd half of the group. At the bottom lie Western Bjornaic, sadly pointless so far. They're almost already mathematically eliminated, and look set to play for pride, with a draw in the Baptism of Fire their only non-loss in international football.

Domestic News

In the managerial merry-go-round, the 2 big vacancies have been filled, in both cases from a fellow Super League team. After 5 years at Sporting Towerhaite, Charles Morgan, 42, will leave to take over at Marthorpe City. The move has surprised some, with critics of the move believing Morgan hasn’t really done much at Towerhaite other than win promotion as a favourite and them keep them just out of relegation danger each season. However others think he is well suited to taking on a more prestigious team, and he’d reached the end of his ambitions at Towerhaite. Only time will tell.

The St Astons City vacancy goes to the Vale FC manager, Charlie Holton, 43. Taking them back to the Super League and to a 12th place finish, Holton is seen as quite an astute manager, able to set up his tactics well to the opposition faced. Many had him pegged down as a potential favourite to move to one of the bigger vacancies, and so it has happened. With a poor finish for St Astons City last season, Holton should at least have a little time before too much pressure is put onto his shoulders.

Vale and Sporting Towerhaite now have the task of finding their new managers. Of course there’s been a few sacked at the end of last season, and the Challenge League and National Leagues are full of ambitious managers keen to get their shot in the Super League. Who knows how what the future holds for those 2 sides.

[Taeshan]

While everyone else in Group J was playing their final matchday fixtures the Purple Knights had a different topic on their mind with a friendly rivalry match against Jeruselem. Visiting Jeruselem for the 13th time the Knights were looking to get the 11th victory overall for the nation in the Purple Princess cup. The matchup, played 14 times more than their second most battled matchup with Eura, was a two-pronged effort for the side in Purple and Gold. A strong rivalry matchup, but also a good road test between fixtures at Darmen, and next at Mytanija. The Knights going into the second half of qualifying now hold a 3 point lead over their next opponent who played to a 2-2 home draw with Darmen on the final first leg matchday. The Knights victory in the opener in Taeshan gives them a slight head-to-head lead, but going into the second matchup any sort of slip-up could break open Group J.

For their part the Knights came into the friendly looking to learn some things about their bench, but also looking to keep the squad intact as they push for their first World Cup qualification since World Cup 64, almost 40 years ago. The Knights brought in some youngsters with Yoshimi Hirahito, Nycolas Jackson, Victor Borja, Aysa Madison, Aidan Foster, and Desmond Cavanaugh starting for Randall Abl Bakr, Geoffrey Klingenberg, Daigo Coshan, Jacob Jingleheimer-Smitt, Edison Trueblood and Jamie Fasnacht. The young side was the youngest in team history and proved it with some early mistakes, but for the 7th game in a row, in fact every match since the opener against Mytanija the Knights were able to keep their opponents off the board.

The Knights attack has been less than electric over the qualifying campaign, but their defense has been one of the best in the world, as is often expected. With the only holdover on the back four, Santiago Santiago, proving a strong defensive leader and Alson Figueroa captaining the young Taeshan side they proved a strong matchup for their Jeru opponents. It was a good back and forth and a huge test for the side as they got into the second half of qualifying. In the end it was some moments of magic as Captain Figeuroa scored just before halftime to get the visiting end enthralled, and substitute Sahler Moon making it 2-0 in the second half. Figeuroa's goal marked the 1400th in national team history.

The matchup was a good test of the Knights strength as they head into the second half of this qualifying campaign. While maybe not as grueling as some recent campaigns of 18 games so far the Knights have had their less than stellar moments such as a home 0-0 draw with Senayan. Mytanija is the lone squad to score on them this season so the Knights will surely look to right that wrong, but with only 3 points separating them from their second place opponents they will have to make sure to win the day, and put some space between them. Darmen sits another 6 points back, but anything can happen. Only one squad's defensive record is better than the Knights with South Covello allowing 0 goals in this qualifying campaign and one squad tied with the Knights on 1 goal allowed in Reçueçn and if the Knights wish to qualify for the World Cup than this will have to continue as they look to get back where they belong.

[Timuria]

Ten Man National Team Gain Important Win

by Tufan Nursultan

Lavize 3–4 Timuria
Lavize #9 (15, 29), Lavize #11 (40);Caner Turan (5), Tayyar Ozel (53), Vatan Ercetin (77, 86)

The focus on the national team's defence will not be lessened after a red card for Osman Hasanoglu and an injury to Eyup Mustafa ruling him out for the national team's next match means there will be a shakeup along the back four. The defence was under pressure throughout, but was able to provide enough cover for Iskender Nur who was able to stake a claim to the starting keeper role.

The national team struck fast and hard with Caner Turan wreaking havoc on the way to placing the ball elegantly into the bottom corner. Though the game would be turned on its head as Osman Hasanolgu's rash challenge led to a red card after he denied the hosts a goalscoring opportunity with his foul, he could have no complaints as he fled to the dressing room under the furious eye of Bekir Altingunes who looked incredibly displeased. The hosts #9 scored the resulting penalty slotting past Iskender Nur who couldn't have done anything about the well placed penalty. Then followed a period of instability as the national team tried to adjust to playing with 10 men, with Ertan Renda coming off for Metin Boz to ensure a functional back 4. Unfortunately, the host's #9 got on the score sheet again with a thundering effort from close range.

Then came the host's final goal with an overhead kick from their #10 deflecting off the heel of Eyup Mustafa and squirming into the back of the net. With halftime rapidly approaching Eyup Mustafa went down with what was later revealed to be a severe cut on his leg, meaning he will be held out of the next match at Kavagrad as a precaution. A clearly frustrated Bekir Altingunes ushered his team into the tunnel.

The national team came out determined to overturn the 2 goal deficit they had been lumbered with at half time. Vatan Ercetin threatened early with a shot that hit the post, a sign of things to come as the team adopted a more counter attacking outlook and absorbed pressure much more effectively. Tayyar Ozel grabbed a goal that pulled the national team within one, with a lob that left the host's goalkeeper stranded. Then followed a period where the national team allowed Lavize to retain possession and patiently waited.

Vatan Ercetin brought the national team level with a placed shot from 10 yards following the ball bouncing around the box. Then came the winning goal after a cross from Caner Turan found the head of Vatan Ercetin and he managed to get just enough on it to glance it past the scrambling goalkeeper.

Elsewhere in the group, Valanora maintained their perfect record with consummate ease with a 4-1 victory over 95X leaving them 7 points clear at the top and very much favourites to qualify. Kavagrad earned a 2-0 victory over Kiryu-shi allowing them to keep up with the national team on 8 points. As it stands the race for qualification seems to be over and the interesting part will be which of the 4 teams, each within 3 points of each other will take the playoff spot.

What they said after the match:

Saban Inekci: "I'm happy to have come out of here with a win, there are no easy games in international football especially when you're traveling. In terms of the red card, we're disappointed that Osman had the lapse he did, but he'll learn and get better. As for Eyup's injury, we'll hold him out of the next game, this'll be an opportunity for us to try to finesse our defence and for some players to impress."

Player Ratings:

Iskender Nur 6/10 - Came into the team to allow Saban Inekci to rest after a stressful few games. May not have excelled, but at least he looked like he wanted to be there and had an excellent second half once the team settled.

Ozbek Sarikaya 6/10 - Given the mess in the centre of defence, he did well.

Osman Hasanoglu 4/10 - Got a foolish red card that will rightly call into question the management's faith in him.

Eyup Mustafa 5/10 - Was struggling before his injury and would likely have been substituted.

Gokdeniz Dag 6/10 - He had a quiet game in an otherwise bad day for the defence, but as always it feels a little harsh to blame him for woes in the centre of defence.

Atilla Acar 7/10 - Was an important component of all the attacking play as he bounded up and down the pitch, truly embodying a box-to-box midfielder today.

Yusuf Ihsanoglu 6/10 - Was leaned on after the sending off and bent, but didn't break. Needs to provide better positive passing, otherwise he risks being relegated to a basic role (though perhaps that would be for the best).

Caner Turan 8/10 - Got an important goal and assist, really showed why he was an asset today.

Ertan Renda 6/10 - Was substituted early due to the red card, unfair to give him a 6, but they make me give players a rating.

Tayyar Ozel 7/10 - Aside from the goal, he was a little quiet, but did cause some trouble for the opposing defence linking up with Vatan.

Vatan Ercetin 8/10 - Another 2 goal performance from the prolific striker, bringing him to 14 goals in 14 caps, an outstanding record so far.

Substitutes:

Metin Boz 6/10 - Came on and managed to play passably, will likely get a chance to start in the next match.

Yildiray Sabuktiginoglu 6/10 - Was likely sent on so that the management could get a better feel for him, did well, but won't start in the next match.

Man of the match: Caner Turan - He got an important goal and a decisive assist, he was in close competition with Vatan Ercetin for this, but since he contributed in a much more complete way he gets the nod.

Good news and bad news, the good news is the national team is outperforming expectations, the bad news is it means our editors are not gaining points for our promotion. However most fans will likely take 3 points in the qualifiers over 5 in the promotion.

Schedule and editor's predictions with the results so far:
MD1: vs Kavagrad, Manat School Sports Centre, L 0-2, Result: D 1-1
MD2: @ Kiryu-shi, W 1-0, Result: W 4-3
MD3: Bye
MD4: vs 95X, Tim-Enerji Park, L 0-3, Result: L 2-3
MD5: @ Balqia D 2-2, Result: D 3-3
MD6: vs Valanora, Hisar School Field of Excellence, L 1-4, Result: L 3-5
MD7: @ Lavize D 1-1, Result W: 4-3
MD8: @ Kavagrad L 1-3
MD9: vs Kiryu-shi, Maden-Is Stadium W 2-0
MD10: Bye
MD11: @ 95X L 0-4
MD12: vs Balqia, Manat School Sports Centre D 1-1
MD13: @ Valanora L 0-4
MD14: vs Lavize, Belediye Park W 1-0

Total points won: 8

The next match: The national team will play away for the second game in a row traveling to Kavagrad, Iskender Nur will remain the starting goalkeeper and Metin Boz will line up alongside Tuna Rustemoglu as the nationa team go into the must win encounter. Kavagrad are currently ahead of the national team on goal difference and are coming off a win against Kiryu-shi.

[The Macabees]

THE WITCH EMELIE,VIII
Previous: I, II. III, IV, V, VI, VII


When they arrived at Janis' apartment, her roommate — Anita was her name — was the one who opened the door. She said, "Um, yea, let me go get her. She's in her room."

Anita disappeared, closing the door behind her while Ineke and Leender patiently waited outside. Both of their phones beeped and they each took a glance at the screen, and at the same time said, "Toxicology report." Ineke opened the email application and read what it said. "Traces of aspirin and...fentanyl found. The two were packed together in a capsule, which was only half-dissolved. Non-professional job, it looks like," she added.

"Seems like this suicide just turned into a murder case," muttered Leender.

Ineke nodded. "And, whoever did this knew at least a little bit about what they were doing."

The door opened again then. It was Anita. "Janis doesn't want to see you," said the roommate.

Ineke was about to protest, but her phone buzzed again. Leender looked at her. She opened the messaged. It read, "CONDOMINIUM BUILDING CCTV TAPE PROVIDED. COME TO CENTRAL STATION FOR FURTHER INFORMATION. EVIDENCE UNDER REVIEW. IF BUSY, WILL DEBRIEF LATER." It was from her assistant, Lieke Naasal.

The detective looked at Anita and tisked. "Oh well, that's unfortunate," she replied. "Tell Janis we'll be back with a judge's warrant. Let her know that this is a very serious situation and it's unlikely to get any better for her unless she cooperates with security forces. If she talks to me, I can protect her from any undue decisions the law makes with regards to this case."

"Case?" asked Anita, timidly. "What case?"

"That's need to know," chimed in Leender.

Ineke smiled at her. "And you don't need to know."

As they walked back to their vehicle, Anita texted Lieke back. "HEADING TO CENTRAL STATION NOW. SUBMIT PAPERWORK TO SECURE WARRANT FOR THE SEIZURE OF JANIS MARIKO, SUSPECTED FOR THE MURDERS OF FRAPTO NEVARA AND KLASOS DERAG. MAKE THE NECESSARY CALLS TO EXPEDITE, SUSPECT AT RISK FOR FLIGHT."



When they arrived at the station, Lieke was already waiting for them upfront. She looked excited. In fact, she couldn't contain herself. "They've already watched parts of the footage. Looks like your suspect has become even more of a...suspect," said the blonde-haired assistant.

"Oh? What do you mean?" asked Ineke.

"Just wait 'til you watch it yourself," was all Lieke responded.

They immediately made their way to the video room, where detectives and other officers were still reviewing the footage. They all greeted the group of three when they entered, making room for them to sit down around the large screen. One of the video analysts rewound the tape to what they must have been looking at earlier, mentioning that they had found it almost by accident. When the tape started playing again, they saw a fuzzy version of a woman's face as she was leaving the lobby of the condo building Frapto and Klasos had been found dead in. "Who is that?" asked Ineke.

"Janis Mariko," said another detective. "On the night of their deaths."

Leender looked at Ineke, who said, "Has the Bureaucracy of Justice been made aware of this footage?"

"Yes," interjected Lieke. "I made sure they saw it when I submitted paperwork for a warrant."

"Good," replied the detective. "Any response on that?"

"Not yet," said the assistant.

"Leender, let's go," said Ineke. To Lieke, she added, "When you get approval on that warrant, forward it to me. I want to be there when we bring Janis in. I want to be the first one who talks to her. This is my case, got it?" That last part was to the other detectives in the room, who were hovering around what was developing into an exciting high profile murder case like vultures around a rotting carcass.



Back in the vehicle, Ineke toggled the manual override on its AI, taking the wheel between her hands. Leender frowned at her, and she said, "What? We're in a rush. That warrant will come through any minute."

"We are we going?" asked the investigator. "There's something you're not telling me."

The pensive look on her face must have given her away. "Something's bothering me," she replied. "The toxicology report suggests that someone with medical knowledge mixed the aspiring with the fentanyl. Now, given, I don't know much about Janis, maybe she knows about that kind of stuff. Maybe she has friends in the right places, so to speak. Who knows. But what I do know is that she's a socially awkward analyst who worked for the imperial football team, meaning any specialized medical knowledge is unlikely. So, she's either working along with someone, and I doubt it's Dario Gertona for the same reasons, or it's not her."

"Why was she there, then?" Leender asked.

"I don't know," answered Ineke. "We'll find out soon."

He frowned again. "Where to now, then?"

"I want to pay our friend Emelie another visit," she responded.



Back at Janis' apartment, Anita was frantically biting her nails while sitting on her bed. What did Janis get herself into? Did she have anything to do with the suicides of those two football players? Was security going to return? Were they serious about the warrant? Were they going to raid the place? Her mind simply could not stop racing. Anita decided to do something about it, so she rose and walked into the hallway, making her way to Janis' room.

She knocked and waited a few moments, but there was no response. Knocking again, she waited another moment. Knocking one more time, she tried the door handle. It was locked.

Taking one of her hair pins, she straightened it out and used it to pick the lock. It was a trick her old boyfriend had taught her. Apparently, these doors were made to be easily unlocked from the outside, in case someone had dangerously trapped themselves inside and for parental reasons or some such. Either way, it took a mere few seconds to unlock the door and open it. Inside, the room was empty and the window was open. A cool breeze was blowing inside, causing the light white curtains to flutter and stir. Outside, the escape ladder had been extended toward the alleyway below. There were no signs of Janis.

[Port Ember]

Port Ember Times

The Tridents prepares to face off against Chromatika

Pre Match Analysis & Interview

By Erica Davies - Port Ember Times Sports Section

Port Ember will face off against Chromatika in their seventh match of the World Cup Qualifier run this Monday, to be played at Chromatika's homegroud - Capitalizt Dome in Chromatk City, Chromatika, a stunning and ulta modern 144,000 seater stadium.

This match marks the start of the second leg of the Qualifiers, since all the teams in the group have now already played against each other, and will now start their second rounds against each other.

Previously, Port Ember manages to draw against Chromatika in the Waterstad International Stadium with a final score of 3 - 3.

Team Stats Analysis

Chromatika:

This team has played 6 matches so far as part of the World Cup Qualifier Run, in which they have won four and drawn two matches. They have beaten Qusmo, Far Wor Eryunce, San José Guayabal and Euran Oceania Territories; and have drawn against Port Ember and Competitive Solitaire, which makes them technically undefeated.

This team is currently ranked as the 47th best team in the world and posseses a long footballing history and impressive infrastructure. For the qualifier run they have scored a total of 17 goals and allowed 7 goals to be scored against them.

Port Ember:

This team has played 6 matches so far as part of the World Cup Qualifier Run, in which they have won two, drawn two and lost two matches. They have beaten Competitive Solitaire and San José Guayabal; and have drawn against Chromatika and Euran Oceania Territories; and have lost against Qusmo and Far Wor Eryunce.

The Tridents is currently ranked as the 186th best team in the world, ranking 137 spots below their opponents. They have scored a total of 12 goals, and allowed 123 goals to be scored against them.

From a pure statistics point of view, the next match is bound to be yet another titanically challenging match for Port Ember, who is facing a very strong and historic team, ranked a whopping 137 places above them in world rankings, and are on much better current form.

Team Analysis - Port Ember

Offense: The technical offensive skills of the team is on suberb form. The chemistry between their starting striker duo and their midfield creates amazing attacking oppertunities. Also their signature 'Bait Ambush' tactic is still a highly effective tactic, proven to be effective at this level of football. Star striker Nicovic will start again after recovering from injuries.

Midfield: Traditionally the strongest component of this team, under command of the amazing Reddington. Reddington sat two games out due to injuries, but he has recovered and will start again.

Defence: The backline has struggled in the last few matches and is showing some serious signs of 'falling apart'. Coach Baxer needs to make a desperate change here as it will continue to cost him matches if he cannot fix this serious problem.

Goalkeeping: Analysts have nothing but praise for Peter Smith the starting goalie. The young man is a legend in the making.

Substitutes: The team has a impressive line-up of substitutes, whom have received field time recently, adding possible depth to the team when needed. The extra attention they have received from the assistant coach is sure to play a important role as well.

Team Morale & Cohesion: The 4 year youth program is paying off dividends, as the team has excellent cohesion and on-the-field chemistry. The team is however having a tough season and might effect their morale.

Current Form: The team is not on great form currently and will surely be looking for a chance to turn things around.

Typical Gameplan: Their typical system of tiring out and frustrating their opponents in an attempt to pull their 'Bait Ambush' is a risky play which can easily go wrong and concede a goal. However when it works, it is highly effective, and so far this is still effective on this level so far.

Team Analysis - Chromatika

Offense: The technical offensive skills of the team is on suberb form, posessing impressively talented and experienced strikers in their team, with legends such as
Keira Andisori and Kaytlyn Victoriane part of the team.

Midfield: Traditionally a very strong component of this team, having a group of extremely talented and experienced players. Will their experience pose a problem for the unexperienced yet young and fit midfielders of Port Ember?

Defence: The backline is filled with strong and experienced players and extremely talented, whose skills compliment each other well.

Goalkeeping: Once again, a component with talented and experienced players.

Substitutes: The team has a impressive line-up of substitutes, with tons of talent and experience.

Team Morale & Cohesion: This team seems unified, having played a lot of games and tournaments together recently. They have had a good qualifier so far which is sure to boost their morale.

Current Form: The team is on very good form, having won 4 matches and drawn 2, making them technically unbeaten in this qualifier run.

Typical Gameplan: This team attempts to dominate their oppisition in the midfield and has a strong focus on their defence, and launches deadly attacks when their opponents makes a mistake or tires.

Starting Line-Ups

Port Ember

Goalkeeper (GK)(#1): Peter Smith.

Center Back (CB)(#2): Josh Richards.

Center Back (CB)(#3): Jason Lee.

Full Back (LB)(#4): Alex Kuhn.

Full Back (RB)(#5): Russel Pierce.

Attacking Midfield (AM)(#18): Ray Reddington.

Defensive Midfield (DM)(#6): Steven Packard.

Wide Midfield (LM)(#8): Jason Chamberlain

Wide Midfield (RM)(#11): Steve Rogers.

Central Forward (CF)(#7): Leon Moult.

Central Forward (CF)(#22): Danny Nicovic.

The line up returns to the original line up.

Team Kit

Port Ember have announced that they will play with their secondary kit in their upcoming match.

Pre Match Interview with Port Emberian Coach - Stuart Baxter

Erica Davies: Morning Coach. So the first leg of the qualifier run is done, but its not looking all rosey so far.

Stuart Baxter: Morning Erica. I agree that indeed we could have done better so far, but we could have done worse as well. We are indeed facing teams with centuries worth of experiemce compared to us. But I feel that we have learned a lot so far, and we feel confident for the second half of the qualifiers!

Erica Davies: Are you worried about the next game?

Stuart Baxter: Hell yes I am! Our opponents are an formiddable and ancient team, who is on absolute beast level form. But we have managed to draw equal against them before. Tomorow might be the day thay we can stip them in their tracks, brimging their indefeated streak to an end. That would be the greatest upset yet!

Erica Davies: So for the next game, any changes in your gameplan, based on your opponents play?

Stuart Baxter: Indeed actually. It is not a large change, rather a few improvements to our play. And we will also hammer on a few weaknesses we have noticed from the opposition.

Erica Davies: Good awnser! Lastly, prediction for the upcoming match?

Stuart Baxter: I know our opponents are footballing giants, so we will be going out with guns blazing. Even if things needs to get physical, we are bringing our A Game!

[Timuria]

Under Qualified Chapter 7:

Bekir tugged at his tie, he couldn't believe the football federation were insisting he go on these dull media tours. He hadn't been in the HRT studios in his life, it was quite a whirlwind. He was ushered in, forced into a suit and had makeup applied to him faster than he could have ever imagined those tasks being performed. He was going onto Sports Roundup with Cem Polat. A popular show that had a game show element to it, the show had only really been commissioned after the SuperLeague began to take off and now attention was being drawn to the numerous amateur sports leagues in the country. He was as much an ambassador for the professionalisation of sport as he was for the national team tonight.

He was given a signal to step out onto the stage, he shook hands with and greeted the host, a slick man in his mid-30s, wearing a well fitted suit. Bekir sincerely doubted whether he really liked sports, but who was he to judge? He hardly had any interest before he was strong armed into the role. He sat across from the man in a chair that looked as if it was meant to replicate the decor of his grandmother's living room, though he supposed the point was to make it appear as if they were friends.

"So Bekir thank you for being here."

"My pleasure Cem."

"So we like to open these with a bit of trivia, so I'm going to make a statement about the world cup qualifiers and you're going to tell me if it's true or false, okay?"

"Sounds like fun." He leaned forward, relaxing a little, if he had to be here he may as well enjoy it.

"Group F is the only group where every team has scored more than 10 goals"

"True." He said instantly.

"Correct. The closest group to matching that is by our reckoning Group T. Next one, 7 players have played in every Timuria national team match."

Bekir paused then mumbled uncertain, "False?"

"That's right again, the number is actually 6."

"I'm pretty sure I couldn't possibly name them." Bekir chuckled along.

"There's one player on the national team with a one to one ratio of appearances to goals."

"True, it's Vatan Ercetin."

"Correct again, wow you seem on top of things."

"Then I'm doing my job right." Both men laughed a fake laugh, purely for performance.

"Well I'd certainly say so, but it's no secret that there's been a few issues."

"Yeah, it's been a learning experience for everyone."

"Well that's an understatement given you have a player in revolt."

"Oh who? That's news to me?"

"The goalkeeper you've benched."

"Oh, well that's just to give him a chance to cool off, it's been a difficult series of matches and he's not been put in the best place to succeed. That's part of the learning process."

"You seem to emphasise learning a lot."

"Well it's our first every World Cup Qualifiers, it's all about learning and building. So far I'd say we've built a pretty strong base."

"So do you think qualification is possible? Or is the base a bit too weak for that?"

Bekir exhaled slightly perturbed by the critical line of questioning. "Well the trouble is in the group we have one very very strong team. Who I think are going to qualify. Then we have 4 teams within 3 points of each other including ourselves who are probably where all the action will be."

"So you're writing off qualification?"

"I'm not saying it's impossible, it mathematically isn't. But the fact is there's one team with a perfect record, then 4 of us fighting for the playoff spot, then two teams being mauled at the bottom. The danger is that the three of us below 95X all take points of each other and don't get decisive victories."

"So how many points do you think the team need to get?"

"We need to get 15 out of 18 to make it." He said with a straight face. The interviewer looked a bit taken a back.

"So every game is a must win."

"Yes. We can lose one. But can't lose anymore."

"Do you think the team will be able to do that?"

"We'll have to wait and see, I'm not going to make bold predictions."

The interviewer smiled, "Well you might live to regret that since we're going to ask you for three hot takes on the qualifiers."

"Hot takes?" Bekir asked confused by the terminology being used.

"Yeah, like an opinion. But a slightly provocative one."

Bekir sighed, "Fine I suppose number one will be from our group. I think Valanora will fail to win 2 of their last 6 games. The second one is I think Reçueçn qualify with 2 games to spare and I think Hapilopper will finish third."

Cem smiled at him, "Those are some pretty mild takes all told, but I suppose we'll see if you're right. One final question, gun to your head, how many points do you think the team ends up with when all is said and done."

Bekir paused, uncertain what he should say, he knew ambition would be noted by those eyes that were always watching him and failure would be met with consequences, but anything less ambitious would look like he had no faith in his team. The silence deafened him before he said, "I'm aiming to take it a game at a time and get 3 points out of every match, that's it. No looking at the table. It's just a distraction."

Cem looked disappointed that he didn't fall for the rudimentary trap, but seemed satisfied, "Well thank you so much for humouring us tonight."

"Thank you." The recording ending and he stood up, detaching himself from the microphone and removing the tie, "Thanks for having me on Cem." He said out of politeness before he wandered off, wanting to be home.

[Alasdair I Frosticus]

To: SCFA President Ailen Koirala
From: The Holy Empire Football Association
RE: The Holy Empire World Cup 83 Beach Hunk Calendar

Dear Ms Koirala,

Please find enclosed your personal copy of the Holy Empire World Cup 83 Beach Hunk Calendar.

We understand. Sometimes a woman - particularly a strong, powerful, successful, in control woman of today - needs something frivolous and sexy for herself; something to distract her, to soothe her, to help her relax during a stressful World Cup qualification campaign.

Now, we concede that it might seem just a little creepy and stalkerish that we know your innermost thoughts from directly before your team's home match against the Holy Empire, but we set the Imperial Panopticon to scan the multiverse for any mundies thinking about the the Holy Empire World Cup 83 Beach Hunk Calendar, just so we could service your needs.

Our apologies. We've just realised that the previous sentence ends with an unintentional double entendre. Not for a second did we mean to suggest that we we looking to service you sexually; only that we were actively seeking to supply you with the Holy Empire World Cup 83 Beach Hunk Calendar.

That said, do please let us know if you would like to meet any members of the squad during the return leg, whether you would like some private time alone with them, and whether you would like to explore being taken to a new plateau of ultimate pleasure during your visit to the Holy Empire. Perhaps this might come as some small compensation - and consolation - for your inevitable second-place finish behind the Holy Empire at the end of qualification.

We live to serve.

Sincerely Yours,

The Holy Empire Football Association

To: Chloe Marcina, Lenghad, Nalchoy District, Zwangzug
From: The Holy Empire Football Association
RE: The Holy Empire World Cup 83 Beach Hunk Calendar

Dear Ms Marcina,

Good news!

Despite the reluctance of Zwangzug authorities to engage with interdimensional mailing services following what I believe you refer to as the incident with the 'hush-up and the wink-wink', please find enclosed your personal copy of the Holy Empire World Cup 83 Beach Hunk Calendar.

Now, let's not worry too much about the technicalities of how we managed to get this to you. Just enjoy the calendar and the additional small pamphlet we've included offering a post-modern deconstruction of our incisive commentary on the ennui fans researching far-flung opponents can occasionally face.

One minor detail: we will need you to complete the 568 separate attached forms (each in triplicate) in order to address some minor legal technicalities involving sending interdimensional mail through an unofficial portal without the consent of the relevant local authorities, but we assume you that these will cause you no more than a passing inconvenience.

And when you've filled in all the forms,
And been passed clear of all disease,
Debriefed, debugged, dedrugged, disarmed,
And disinfected please
Don't forget the guys
Who sent you your Holy Empire World Cup 83 Beach Hunk Calendar

Sincerely Yours,

The Holy Empire Football Association

To: Caitlyn Mayer, Cassadaigua National Football Team
From: The Holy Empire Football Association
RE: The Holy Empire World Cup 83 Beach Hunk Calendar

Dear Ms Meyer,

We were delighted to learn of your interest in the official Holy Empire World Cup 83 Beach Hunk Calendar, as outlined at the beginning of your recent letter to Fillies fans (thank God you actually put that in print, and we don't have to explain why we're sending you a copy or two).

Though you have caused great pain, anguish, and and suffering to Mr Camatero by stating in public to thousands of your devoted followers that you believe Mr Tzykandeles to be 'more of a hunk' than Mr Camatero, we appreciate that there was no malice on your part. You were merely expressing a light-hearted informal opinion. We believe that Mr Camatero will recover; in time; with therapy; and love and support.

As a thank-you for your appreciation of our beach hunks (even if that appreciation is perhaps not entirely even-handed), we are sending you 2,235,001 copies of the Holy Empire World Cup 83 Beach Hunk Calendar for distribution to loyal Fillies fans across the multiverse. We know that there's nothing a Dagan woman likes better than to objectify some fine hunks of prime manly beefcake, and we're very happy to be able to oblige, without in any way simultaneously attempting to passive aggressively make you feel guilty for the terrible long-term psychological harm you've caused to our star right winger.

Please feel free to distribute and use these calendars as you see fit.

Please note that they are made from a flavoured edible starch, so if you have any spares they can - at a pinch - be used as emergency humanitarian relief supplies.

Sincerely Yours,

The Holy Empire Football Association

To: Brendan Geraghty, Intern, Newmanistan Rocket Report
From: The Holy Empire Football Association
RE: The Holy Empire World Cup 83 Beach Hunk Calendar

Dear Mr Geraghty,

You're absolutely right.

The only World Cup 83 worth following is the evil World Cup in Drawkland. Though it's proven to be slightly difficult to find out information about what's possibly the greatest World Cup qualification campaign in history since matchday 2, we assure you that this is a splendid tournament - as highlighted by the excellent beach soccer taking place in Group 6.

We enclose a copy of the Holy Empire World Cup 83 Beach Hunk Calendar as a token of our esteem.

Sincerely Yours,

The Holy Empire Football Association

PS: Do please feel free to ignore the other tournament hosted by Equestria and Banija; not quite sure what's happening there, but it's not nearly as beach-oriented as the Drawkland group 6 qualifiers.

[New Lusitania and the Algarves]

STL|Serviços de Transmissão Lusitana
Sport | Football|
World Cup 83 | 83º Mundial

Jornada with Pedro Ferreira, Rui Lourosa and António Soares.

PF: Hello and welcome to another edition of Jornada. Tonight, with the first round of games practically complete we look back on what we've seen so far in the competition. With me as usual are Rui Lourosa and António Soares to discuss what's needed. Good evening, gentlemen. The first thing on tonight, is our own team, New Lusitania. What do you make of them?
AS: Good evening, Pedro. I believe that we have underperformed for the most part. We started off well, but in the last couple of matches we haven't been good.
RL: Good evening, Pedro. Let me tell you, we have been awful. I might concede that the first few games, despite a slow start were decent but have we been awful in the coming matches. We're down to fourth, and we want to be in the World Cup...
PF: No need to be like that. Either way, what do you consider to be the cause of that?
RL: Tactic, mostly. If you go back to World Cup 80/81 we were playing a more attacking style that seemed to work well, but then changed it in 82 to a more counter-attacking and passing approach. As it worked decently during the cycle he changed it.
AS: True there is a smaller number of goals scored but it's a tactic that worked well during 82. The roster hasn't changed having one or two changes which were mainly in the reserves.
PF: Well the only major change to the first team was that of Veiga, which was called up to fill in for Gama's injury and Leiteiro who took Carriça's spot in defence. Both have been playing well though. António, for you, what was the team's best performance?
AS: Well, for me, away at Cassadaigua. We held that very well despite only getting a draw. We proved that despite out problems, we can theoretically play big sides if we're on the correct day.
RL: That's a problem. IF we're on the correct day. For me, Crystalline Caverns was a good win and at the time you'd expect it to be the battle for second.
PF: Which speaking of, has been complicated. Our defeat to Abaja pulled them into the race, with the already contender Crystalline Caverns.
AS: Without a doubt, I mean they've been playing well and we knew they were a good side when they played World Cup 80 a few years ago.
PF: Silver linings gentlemen?
AS: I'd say our calendar. The fact we have a game in hand was a strategic point but mainly our second round. We'll play the current contenders at home except the Crystalline Caverns.
PF: That could give us a needed advantage, it's a good position to be on. We're also playing the final Matchday meaning we'll have a game in hand.
RL: True, I don't think qualification is possible except via the Second Group Stage. Our objective is World Cup Qualification but I think it's successful it we make it to the Cup of Harmony again.
PF: Agreed. Now, moving any players we'd like to comment on?
RL: Fernando hasn't been on his best form, he only started his tally in Cassadaigua which is quite late for him. I think that he's entered the groove of things though and will still have a good piece on the team.
AS: Agreed, now Veiga has been a great addition. We had seen it in World Cup 82 when he was a provisional sub for Gama, but he fits in that attacking midfield position so well. We can expect great things from him in the future.
PF: I'd like to agree with you on that. Finally, what can we expect from the second round?
RL: I think we can expect less rotation than in the first round. We rotated a lot and I don't think it gave the team a lot of stability. I can see him changing one or two but not four or five as we've seen in the initial stages.
AS: Maybe, either way I'm hoping we can improve. We need to have performances on the level of the one with Cassadaigua.
RL: Groupwise, I'd say we can still make it, Cassadaigua is running away with the group but we could still make it to the Playoff with some luck.
AS: Agreed. However, both Abaja and the Crystalline Caverns have found form so they could make it.
PF: Finally, any remarks towards the other nations and groups?
AS: Well many leaders are the ones that were expected - Savojarna, Audioslavia, Pasarga, Qusmo...
RL: ... South Covello, The Holy Empire, Apox, Starbladyia...
PF: ... The Free Republics, Vilita, Turori, among a few more, but we've had a few surprises too, good and bad, no?
AS: Well yeah, we had a few surprises. Both the Main Nation Ministry and Valladares are struggling, as well as for example Lochario. Bongo Johnson and Spesar are doing well in Group F, as well as Tornado Queendom in B and Ariwana in A.
RL: It's been interesting these World Cup Quals up to now as there are upsets everywhere. I think Oberur Ar Moro have had a rollercoaster of a ride, started extremely slow but they're now up to third after a string of good games.
PF: Anyway, that's all we have time for. Good night from me, and from Rui Lourosa and António Soares.
RL/AS: Good night.


Note: Match report coming tomorrow

STL in association with FLF

[Mattijana]

The Halfway Stage: What next for World Cup Qualifying

MFO SPORT

We're currently at the halfway point of World Cup Qualifying and things are already bubbling up in the battle for automatic, and painful long-winded qualification via the play-offs.

Some groups look already decided, but others are well in the balance going into the final 6 matches. We'll also take a look at how Mattijana and their under-pressure manager Dusan Vukoja have fared and see how former national team coach Matej Ljubanik is doing with Lochario.

Mattijana Still in the Hunt

Mattijana's campaign has so far been a very mixed bag. They started off with a disastrous loss to the Busoga Islands and continued with an even more disastrous one to lowly Asdia. A 0-0 draw with Jeruselem sort of kickstarted their campaign, but it would be back to back wins against Vartugia and world champions Vilita that really resurrected their chances. A frustrating 0-0 with Saintland set them back a bit, but they can still cut their five point gap to the top 2 by three if they beat the Busoga Islands in their next game, avenging that 3-1 defeat in the process.

Dusan Vukoja is widely expected to quit or be forced to quit if Mattijana fail to qualify for the tournament for the 10th successive time and his future is still very much in the balance despite an opening sequence of games after which many were already speculating about who his replacement might be.

Despite beating Vilita, a playoff spot looks like Mattijana's only real chance of qualification and they have a little way to go to get there. Their next match already looks like it could be make or break for the national team.

There have been bright sparks at both ends of the pitch for the Marmots, but inconsistencies have once again plagued the squad. The defence has kept three clean sheets and limited Vilita to just one goal, but also shipped 5 against Asdia, whilst an attack led by the inexperienced Kara Lorenzič has blown hot and cold. If they can get it together for the second half, they could be a potent side, but anyone who has followed the side for the last 10 years knows that that is a highly unlikely prospect.

Ljubanik Rejuvenates Lochario

Over in group P, former Marmots head coach Matej Ljubanik has carried out a resurrection job of his own. 61st-ranked Lochario were winless when the 55 year-old took over, but have now won 2 on the bounce to lift them back into a crowded mid-table, trailing second-placed Eshan by 5 points having beaten them in Ljubanik's first game in charge.

Qualification is still unlikely, but good results will only help to push Lochario further up the rankings in their quest for a first World Cup Finals. They will also help to convince a fanbase mourning the resignation of legendary former coach Cinra Munrich that Ljubanik is the right man for the job.

Ljubanik's possession-based style isn't a million miles away from Munrich's, but seems to have given the Ginger Tigers extra impetus going forward thanks to an extra man in midfield and a much more stable-looking defensive base. Lochario have kept two clean sheets in the Mattijanan's first two games and have also scored three despite not netting in their first four matches.

If the revival under the former Rapid Petrovijanka boss continues, Lochario might yet have a chance.

[Kita-Hinode]

"Hinodejin Empire at the World Cup 83 Qualifiers". Oil painting, Hina Matsumoto, 2140.

[Starblaydia]

Qualifying So Far: A Half of Two Halves
[So that'd be 'Quarters', then - Ed.]

Starblaydia sit undefeated in their opening six Qualifying matches, a feat they haven't managed since World Cup 76. That edition - in which they failed to get to the Finals - actually saw an eight-match undefeated streak with draws in their opening, third, seventh and eighth games. As that was nearly thirty years ago and only five or six of the current squad had only just been born, we can probably discount that run of form as it relates to this current campaign. The total undefeated streak in qualifying currently, however, stands at fourteen games, as Starblaydia haven't lost in the mayhem that is WCQs since Matchday Ten of World Cup 82's qualifiers where they went down 5-4 away to Filindostan.

Presently enjoying the brief respite of travel and being away from the media spotlight, Starblaydia's two halves [I told you that was Quarters - Ed.] of Qualifying so far have been split into two easy sections. The first was a free-scoring, well-managed series of three games. Opening at home with a 3-1 defeat of Devonta, they followed that up with excellent-looking scorelines of 4-0 against Tamgu and 3-0 against Axuva. So far, so good for this section [QUARTER! - Ed.]. The second three games, however, went a little bit crazy. A largely ridiculous 7-4 scoreline away to familiar foes Abanhfleft was followed by a 3-3 draw when hosting Ancherion, rounding up the first half of matches with a nail-biting 4-3 win away in Saciu. Somehow, Starblaydia's three-man defence appears to have fallen apart.

This would be absolutely fine if, of course, the remainder of their opponents on this lifetime-long quest to break all known records and win the World Cup more than any other nation in history consisted purely of teams like Tamgu and Axuva. Unfortunately, much sterner tests than the likes of these sides will face Starblaydia if they do end up in Equestria and Banija, and the type of play that results in a 4-3 away to Saciu will certainly see the team in white and purple sent packing if it continues.

What has happened so far, at least, is that only one arbitrary statistical milestone has been crossed so far, and that is Starblaydia conceded their 900th goal in World Cup Qualifying. Ancherion's Joris Fuller was the maker of that bit of historical minutiae, netting his side's second goal on Matchday Five. 904 against sounds like quite a high number, before you notice Starblaydia have scored 2,504 goals in their sixty-one Qualifying campaigns so far, with an all-time record of 608 wins from 919 matches. In terms of other arbitrary milestones we're awaiting the opportunity to break out the statistics of, Starblaydia's next loss will be their 150th defeat in Qualifying. In individual records, Kota Sato has joined the Rapaii 15 club of Starblaydi goalscorers, an ancient order begun with Nikola "Laser" Lazerevski, the first great goalscorer for Starblaydia, who finished on 1 goals in his career and literally set the benchmark for the hundreds of players who have since followed him. The Marine Coast United player managed this in the most recent match against Saciu, scoring his team's third in the 4-3 victory. He joins squad members Mercy Kaufman (15 goals), Sutter McCloud (26) and Aaron Cole (42) in this exclusive group of Starblaydi internationals. Aaron Cole himself is just two goals away from joining the all-time Top Ten Starblaydi goalscorers. 44 is the current benchmark, a total held by three players. Two are World Cup Winners: the first is the greatest ever Dwarven striker, World Cup 25 winner Zhorin Tumunzahar (44 in 91 games, also joint-top youth teams scorer with Sutter McCloud on 18 goals); second is double World Champion Diamantii Di Bradini, captain of the WC44 team (44 goals in 96 games); while the third is the legend Simeone Di Bradini (44 goals in 84 games). That last fellow you may have heard of, so we're not going to bother re-listing his achievements here. Aaron Cole has managed his tally in just 68 games, however, and at the age of 32 he still seems to have plenty of miles - and likely goals - left in the tank. Four goal so far this campaign for the Corinthian Spirits captain, and you certainly wouldn't bet against another two somewhere along the line to add to those he's scored against Tamgu, Abnahfleft (twice) and Ancherion.

Starblaydia sit five points above their closest rivals, given current rankings this challenger is the slightly unlikely form of Devonta. Most pundits were expecting Abanhfleft to be the team chasing Starblaydia the hardest, but their record has been - for their standards - atrocious so far. It's expected that the team in blue, orange, green, white, red and a different blue will pick up their form in the remaining two quarters of Qualifying [Don't be starting that nonsense now; I don't care if alliteration is big and clever. That's a a half - Ed.]., but onyl the results will tell us if Starblaydia's undefeated streak, and indeed the five point gap between them and the rest, will hold out until the end.

Halfway standings, World Cup 83 Qualifying
Group T                             Pld   W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Starblaydia                        6    5   1   0    24   11  +13    16
2 Devonta                            6    3   2   1    13    8   +5    11
3 Saciu                              6    2   2   2    15   17   −2     8
4 Axuva                              6    2   1   3    10   13   −3     7
5 Ancherion                          6    1   3   2    11   13   −2     6
6 Abanhfleft                         6    1   2   3    12   17   −5     5
7 Tamgu                              6    1   1   4     9   15   −6     4

[Eura]

Bellight, Mareibat

Since the Bellight People’s Army or BPA had taken over there was no such thing as a calm night on their sparse island. In the city of Bellight itself the night would be pockmarked with the sounds of violent reprisals against loyalists to the Imperator’s toppled local authorities, or frequent power cuts as the BPA tried and failed to marshal the island’s energy effectively. Almost alone among these citizens of Mareibat – or the new proletarian Bellight, depending on your perspective – was a man who was no stranger to conflict and revolution. Federico Cain was an expert in the art of warfare. He was here because he needed work and somewhere to hide. He was as much a refugee as an immigrant. Unlike most refugees however, Cain would not readily admit his exact origin for reasons that require some explanation.

Cain was a Sameban. In his home country he used to go by the title of General Federico Cain, back when there was such a thing as a Sameban General. Cain was, or had been, one of the most decorated Sameban officers and one of the few to have served in every branch of the military. During the war he was officially a part of the Sameban Republican Army but also played a role in the more overtly politicised “auxiliaries”, participating in a chain of command that authorised numerous war crimes and acts of ethnic cleansing in northern Eura, before siding with the loyalists and hardliners during the Beranist Crisis that brought down the Republic. There could be no illusions that Cain had been determined to fight to the end, and had been a close confidant of Admiral Gallo in his last days before his suicide with both Euran and Beranist units just minutes from capturing the loyalist leader.

Once the Beranist’s realised they had no choice but total surrender to the Euran’s, every sinew of the old Republic was systematically demolished during the first year of occupation as the Euran’s opted for the “rip off the band aid” school of reconstruction. That was why millions of Sameban’s had fled the country in desperation as chaos consumed its remains, chaos that only recently has begun to lower in intensity after millions of deaths. Cain was not a refugee in the same spirit as the vast majority of those people who had run away. By the end he was one of the most senior surviving hardline figures in the Sameban regime, and a war criminal. His choices were to escape or be hunted by Euran special forces and military police – dead or alive. After a long and dangerous journey to make that escape, he ended up on this sleepy little island thinking he was in the clear.

For a short time Cain had naively attempted to live a quiet civilian life, only to realise this would be impossible. Sooner or later Mareibat’s government would smell a rat even though he’d acquired a fake identity complete with forged papers, an identity he had hoped would only be temporary. The Euran’s were following men like him to the ends of the earth and giving every country, including Mareibat, significant incentives to hand over anyone they could find. Given their proximity to the conflict zone the government were on the lookout and when a much less recognisable junior officer got picked up in Halholzer, he knew he was living on borrowed time. It was for this reason that he fled into the arms of the BPA, marginalised at the time and either stupid or brave enough to take the risk of hiding him. Here he could find safety and gainful employment as a military advisor to this bedraggled self-proclaimed “People’s Army”, acquiring them Sameban weapons left over from the chaos of the war. By the time that they had seized control of the entire island he had become a key advisor on all things military.

The old General had gotten used to being referred to as “Quarry”, an irritating nickname bestowed by his BPA hosts to tease him about his fugitive status. It was technically accurate to no longer address him as General – as part of Beranist Sameba’s unconditional surrender, every single military officer had been stripped of their rank and dishonourably discharged as a final humiliation before the SRA and the Sameban state were formally expunged. Still, the implied insult stung. He just had to live with it. ‘Quarry! You’re needed.’ Regan Cadle was the most irritating handler Cain had been forced to put up with since getting here by a long shot, an impetuous teenager who had been given a gun far too early in his squalid life. Living in the rudimentary safehouse flat they shared would have been bad enough if he lived alone. ‘For what, a surprise party?’ Cain had no trouble with the language whatsoever and had learned their sense of irony quickly.
‘Huh?’ Cain groaned. The kid wasn’t the brightest. ‘They phoned a few minutes ago. Tolinet wants you at the headquarters immediately.’ Patrek Tolinet was the unofficial chief of armaments for the BPA. On a day to day basis he functioned as Cain’s manager if there was such a thing. He had no choice but to accede to the request.

Bellight was shrouded in a familiar grim haze and muggy cloud rolling in from the Mareibat Straits. On a moonlit night like this the view was peculiarly beautiful, if someone like Cain really could understand what beauty was anymore. Once upon a time he had led military parades of hundreds of armoured vehicles from a tank. Here he was, after years of hardship and struggle, being shipped to a meeting with a volunteer soldier by a prepubescent moron on a moped. Good quality vehicles were hard to come by on the island. As they weaved through the dimly lit streets he wondered if an exit plan would be required in the coming weeks. He’d done a lot for the BPA to help them take over the island from the toothless Imperator, but they were what they were. Anyone could see that they were well armed and determined enough to fight a long defensive insurgency should the Apoxian’s finally intervene. Beyond that sort of warfare they would have no hope of survival. And if the Apoxian’s got him, he was sure he’d be in a Euran prison cell by the next sunset.

They had reached their location. It was a shady looking institution, an old office building on a corner overlooking a blacked out pub, shut down amidst the night time curfew. Several BPA soldiers approached the pair and called for them to produce papers. Both obliged without comment. They were given permission to pass and Cadle excitedly pushed through the doors the moment he was able. ‘I haven’t met Tolinet yet you know. I heard he has this awesome beard. Is that true? I hope he’s open to new ideas, I’ve been thinking we should try some-‘
‘Get out of the way, Regan. Go and play with your toys while the grownups talk.’ Cadle stuck to the spot, indignant as he was forced to wait outside the room. ‘I’m supposed to look after you at all times! This is bullshit!’
‘No, this is war. I don’t know if you’d noticed.’ Cain entered the room without giving young Cadle time to retort. Tolinet sat on a cheap fake leather chair that peeled at the corners. Even the people in charge on Bellight lived an unglamorous existence.

Tolinet rose from his seat and shook Cain’s hand firmly. ‘Good to see you again Quarry. I bring news that might interest you. An opportunity has arisen!’
‘I thought it was my job to seek out what you need to equip your army? Not the other way around.’
‘There’s no need to be so defensive. Don’t worry, I’m not going to trample all over your little kingdom.’ Cain was notoriously protective of control over his work. It was not an unreasonable demand with the lack of professionalism on display from most of these people. ‘You’ve got us a lot of materiel since you joined us. Sameban, even some Euran and Nepharim, all sorts. We came across one of your old contacts, that one who got hold of those uh, what do you call them? Magnetic sea mines.’
‘Yes, I remember. ML-50’s.’
‘That’s the one! He went away and came back with something new for us. It’s very special. He’s named his price and we believe it to be reasonable.’
‘What do you need me for then?’ It was a dangerous question for a man in Cain’s position to ask yet he did it regularly. He wanted to remind them at every opportunity that he was indispensable. ‘Let me show you.’ Tolinet spun around the laptop on his desk to show a picture of a perfectly preserved anti-ship missile launcher, most likely pulled from a Sameban cruiser. Cain didn’t have to ask. His job would be to get it working and tell the BPA how best to use it.

[Free Republics]

The Orlandiana Attorney General Eva Rustad had finished her investigation into the fire that had burned down O'Reilly Tower. At the moment, the Federation Investigation Bureau (FIB) had ordered that her report remain a state secret. For days, Eva was unable to find any leads until she happened across Jasper Chuter, the editor of Gossip Magazine, who shared his live camera feed from the Gossip Magazine offices. Gossip Magazine had a contract with Googol Security, a service from the popular search engine that stored 24/7 security camera footage on Googol servers. In the footage, The Leader showed up into the office, got into a gun fight with the staff as they appeared to call the police and then lit O'Reilly Tower on fire. Now that she knew who had lit the building on fire, Eva needed a motive. She searched the archives of Gossip Magazine and found their articles about the Main Nation Ministry. Thus, the investigation was now complete.

FIB agent Steffen Maur now had the responsibility of briefing Scarlett Nicholls on what had happened. The FIB did not trust Kyle Bolton and thus decided to leave him out of the loop entirely so he couldn't veto Scarlett's decision. Steffen walked into the Consul's Mansion, asked to see Scarlett Nicholls on an urgent national security matter and was sent right into her office where Scarlett was in the middle of a meeting with several members of the Assembly:

Steffen Maur - Agent Steffen Maur of the FIB. My apologies, gentlemen but I need to speak with Consul Nicholls in private on an urgent national security matter.

Scarlett Nicholls - Agent Maur, please join me in my private quarters. Gentlemen, I shall return to continue this discussion about workers rights legislation once I hear what the gentleman from the FIB has to say.

They walked into the consul's bedroom and began discussing matters.

Steffen Maur - Consul, the investigation into the fire at O'Reilly Tower is complete. Unfortunately, I must inform you that it was burned down by a state actor.

Scarlett Nicholls - Who would be so foolish as to do such a thing?

Steffen Maur - We have video footage from a Googol Security camera showing "The Leader" from the Main Nation Ministry lighting the building on fire.

Scarlett Nicholls - Why?

Steffen Maur - The FIB believes that he was infuriated by a recent article from Gossip Magazine, which had an office on the 37th floor where Leader got involved in a shootout with staff and then burned the building down.

Scarlett Nicholls - The public can't find out about this. I don't want to have to invade the Ministry.

Steffen Maur - Well, the FIB can always cover this up and come up with another story.

Scarlett Nicholls - Can you convince the people that it was an accident rather than a deliberate act of arson?

Steffen Maur - That's a good idea. Maybe somebody in one of the restaurants forgot to turn off a stove while the restaurant was closed...

Scarlett Nicholls - That'll work or something like that anyway. Just make sure the local AG doesn't run around telling the press something different.

Steffen Maur - The FIB will make sure of that, Consul. We will do everything in our power to help you keep the Free Republics out of war.

Scarlett Nicholls - Good. Now, I need to return to my meeting.

On the way back to her meeting, Scarlett got a Googol News alert. Sister Polus had endorsed Tim Scott for President of South Covello on her television program. Scarlett shook her head at her failure to get Polus fired from that school yet and headed back to her meeting...

[95X]

Existential Angst

Alix Ajax is neither male nor female, yet is a living, thinking, breathing, ectopic person. On the latter, Alix places a hand on their beating heart and meditates for a few moments as it pumps blood throughout their body. As they did, they wonder what it would be like to be either.