Republica in Turmoil as Foreign RepubliNet Hacking Exposes Corruption in Government
by: Royale Truchon
Just 24 hours ago, nobody would have predicted the shocking events that would soon transpire. As it turns out, RepubliNet is indeed connected to the wider Internet, though nobody yet knows how or where the security vulnerability lies in our network. However, the bigger story involves all of the revelations that have been made by foreign hackers in the past day. At this very moment, the Assembly is convening to debate the unthinkable, the impeachment of Consul O'Reilly for numerous crimes against our nation and even if he is not impeached, he is currently under Federation Investigation Bureau investigation for very serious criminal conduct. I can't even figure out where to begin, especially since my editor says I have to assume that somebody has been living under a rock for the past day!
I will begin by first stating my relief at finally being able to write exactly what I think once again, as it appears that the Consul can no longer do anything to silence journalists who would expose his awfulness to the people of our nation For 3 years, Consul O'Reilly has aggressively censored what we can say in the press, through threats of libel lawsuits and other forms of intimidation and he has even used his cBots to control our personal appearance. That lovely picture of myself that accompanies this article was taken prior to the begun of O'Reilly's reign before he took hair dye off the shelves and used regulatory powers to declare it unsafe. Ever since then, I've been stuck with my natural hair color because he thinks he has the right to tell us what to wear and how to style our hair! I still can't believe the gall of this man to think that he can tell me what to do, but I had to submit to him and his patriarchal robots for 3 years. I mean, if God wasn't a patriarchal piece of shit as well, I'd be thanking Him for finally bringing down that misogynistic scumbag that has ruled this nation in recent years. Yes, I called the Consul a misogynistic scumbag and I dare him to do something about it!
To make a long story short, this whole wonderful series of events began yesterday when some awesome foreigners hacked into the RepubliNet and launched something wonderful called a DDoS attack against the cBots. I don't understand a damned thing about computers other than knowing that those men who majored in computer-related fields in college are intent on keeping women out of their field. I mean, we know that women are being kept out of STEM by the Patriarchy because, although women received the majority of university degrees until Consul O'Reilly's Reign of Terror began, STEM is dominated by men, so men have to be keeping us out somehow. I mean, there can be no other explanation for the STEM gap, right? But putting that aside, some awesome computer hackers have apparently been overloading the cBot servers, shutting down those evil abominations that never should have been created in the first place. By doing so, they set the stage for the next series of hacks.
Last night, viewers watching our nation's second Global Cup of Soccer match (which was a boring scoreless draw because soccer), at least got to see something worthwhile while they were glued to their TVs when the television feed cut out to some hackers who spread a bunch of allegations about Consul O'Reilly. As it turns out, there is evidence that Consul O'Reilly was involved in a conspiracy to rig the election 3 years ago and steal it from Sibylla Croteau (#IMSTILLWITHHER!!!) and Younes Danielsson (famous for his "Younes Bro" supporters who hated women almost as much as the scum that supported O'Reilly, but drew the line at hating minorities and the poor). News Magazine has received and published documents proving that these allegations are founded in actual fact. We now know for a fact that O'Reilly stole the election and therefore that his election as Consul is wholly illegitimate.
However, what is more shocking are the other revelations, specifically the tape that was shown last night. On this tape, which was recorded while Consul O'Reilly was a reality TV star, the racist, sexist, homophobic, and xenophobic fascist buffoon that we call our Consul said some rather vile things about women. If you are easily triggered, I urge you to hit the back button now. If you have the stomach for it, please scroll down through the blank space to find out what that scumbag said.
Is this enough blank space? I hope so. Well, here goes: "You know, women are so desperate to be with a star. Believe me. I mean, all I gotta do is grab 'em by the pussy and they'll let me do anything I want to them. Look, I'm sure its the same for Kyle Bolton. Everybody knows that women all around the multiverse are whores who throw themselves at any celebrity they find. This woman from Felix who says she was 'raped' has got to just be upset that she was just his one night stand. I mean, nobody wants to actually live in Felix. Besides, even if she didn't say yes, she meant it and every alpha male knows that! As the kids say these days, 'no means yes and yes means anal!' Believe me. Women love being penetrated and they just love submitting to men. Believe me. Or just ask my wife. The only women that don't like sex are the lesbians and the retards who actually believe in God. I mean, maybe I shouldn't call religious people retards, but seriously, who can be so stupid as to believe in a fairy that lives in the sky and will reward you with eternal bliss if you live a life that sucks? Come on people, if your God wants this life to suck, then being with him for an eternity has to be a living hell. Believe me. But, of course, we all know that lesbians are just too prideful to admit that they like being penetrated by men. Either that or they've never had the attention of a masculine man. And we all know that the best sex comes from those young teenage virgins who have been indoctrinated with that Biblical bullshit and think they're going to go to hell because they like having sex with you! Believe me." At that point, the tape cut out, presumably because FBC stopped filming it in the middle of this rant.
What I find unbelievable is how FBC never even bothered to release this tape of Caleb O'Reilly uttering such filth, probably because they didn't want to tarnish their highest rated weekly television program. Yes, a television network put ratings ahead of being decent human beings. What else is new? When are TV networks going to learn to be accountable and do their part to work for social justice? When are we going to join the current year and become a decent nation? Well, I'd say that a good first step would be an immediate impeachment of O'Reilly the misogynistic piece of shit. This man is unfit to hold office and, I'd argue, should be publicly castrated.
In conclusion, let me just say that I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this shit anymore. Consul O'Reilly, I'm done pandering to you and my editor agrees with me because he's so totally awesome! From now on, News Magazine will not rest until you are removed as Consul and the Free Republics becomes a decent place to live. We are now the platform for social justice warriors and we're proud of it!
