NationStates

Posted: **Mon Aug 08, 2016 10:39 am**

Nöldner Herald - Olympic Edition

Citizens Outraged by vile claims from Uzekia
Aeropag, Paripana

Recently, an article published by a journalist from the Uzekian Empire defamed our great nation.

Uzekia wrote:It was obvious for all to see that the decisions were wrong and that the Thatiusians lacked the physical strength of the Uzekians, no doubt due to their perverse lifestyles and their drug abuse.

Drug abuse? Perverse lifestyles? This person clearly has not visited our nation- our citizens are accommodating to any foreigner, compassionate, reasonable, sensible, and overall pretty normal. We prefer watching tennis from our mansions, sipping coffee late at night, and reading the newspaper for an hour before going to work at 5 o'clock in the morning. Perverse? I think not.

Uzekia wrote:Both Uzekian football teams were victims of biased referees in their defeats. Both games were marked by decision after decision going against the Uzekians, especially in the men's match against Thatius where two Uzekians were sent off for perfectly timed tackles that forced two fragile Thatiusians to be substituted.

Is Thatius weak? Why, our nation just happens to be in the top 3% for defense forces in the world. Would Uzekia like to see our military? I'm pretty sure the prime minister has been dying to push the shiny, freshly-polished red button. Yes, we did send our "B-Team" to Aeropag to compete in the Olympics, but that team is full of former A-listers who have competed on the international stage a dozen times and helped Thatius climb in the world rankings, reaching high as number thirty in the world several years ago. Yes, our players are incredibly fragile.

Then we have to look at our nation's statistics- where did this journalist get their facts? Yes, Thatius is indeed 43^rd percentile for recreational drug use, so what? There are thousands of other nations even worse! Thatians might in the 81^st percentile in the world for ignorance or 76^th percentile for primitiveness, but let's ignore that for a moment, shall we? Look at how Thatius is in the 9^th percentile for HDI, 11^th percentile for compassion, and 12^th percentile for compliance. Not bad, huh?

Our nation is full of compassionate, hard-working, caring people. Our athletes are top class and have never been found guilty of cheating or drug abuse. So what if we have a few drug addicts in the capital of Frederikstadt? The government is quietly cleaning that up as we speak.

If Uzekia wants to make bold claims as to the ethical values of our athletes, bring it on! We will gladly show you our nation's ~~jet fighters~~ professional drug tests. Then we'll see if those claims are valid!

Note - this article represents an independent opinion by a former staff member of the Nöldner Herald. He wrote this article and was immediately fired from the newspaper. Subsequently, it was posted online again, and hasn't been able to be removed from our site. Thank you for your patience.

Posted: **Mon Aug 08, 2016 11:05 am**

Beograd Journal Letters to Editor
Condom-ing Prankster Found: Rico the Suave BMX Rider
Well, the condom prankster has been found and I'm not surprised the suspect is a guy who pretty much pulls the speech patterns of a Californian surfer who may enjoy his recreational drugs every so often. But he's not as bad as I thought he would be. Still, what a waste of condoms. Why use them for pranks when you can use them for activities most of the other athletes will be doing soon?

Feminist and Birth Control Advocate
A. Kovacs

Uzekia Far More Ignorant than Former Noldner Harald Staff Believes

The WA has given the ranking of Uzekian citizens as top 5% in the world in ignorance. The journalist claimed they were in the top 19%. The Uzekian people are also particularly unintelligent based on the WA tests as well ranking in the bottom 4%. They literally claim PEDs because they aren't bright enough to see the reality of their dystopian nation with the intellect of an ogre or maybe at best a meth addict from rural New Texaco. They however are almost as strong as ogres, too. But their lack of intellect prevents success in the Olympiad as they're not bright enough to utilize their strength to good use.

Serbian Nationalist and Anti-Uzekian Xenophobe
Ratko Panic

WA News Headline
Gregoryisgodistan WA Condemnation Proposal on Floor

The proposal which involves the rogue state is a list of atrocities seen over the years by the despotic regime. The proposal is in italics and is merely a tip of the iceberg of things that the regime has done over the past few Olympiads and time between them.

Description: Acknowledging that The Glorious and Holy Nation of Gregoryisgodistan has been governed by Lord Almighty Gregory with a repressive hand, violating even the most basic human rights approved by the World Assembly;

Noting that Gregoryisgodistan has brutal laws that violates basic freedoms, forcing people to worship their leader via brainwashing people, even by the mean of massively drugging people via prune juice and gruel, the only legal food in Gregoryisgodistan;

Shocked on the systematical violations made by Gregoryisgodistan in matters regarding basic human rights and international law, since this nation is responsible of multiple attacks and wars against pacific nations by the only fact of not accepting Lord Almighty Gregory as their lord, or other ideological issues that aren’t compatible with the totalitarian and brutal Gregoryisgodistani regime;

Further shocked by the Gregoryisgodistani Government past actions of genocide and threats against nations like Hicana, The Kingdom of Saintland, The Kingdom of San Jose Guayabal, The Letterman Commie Paradise of Menta Lee-IL, and others included in the "Enemy List";

Horrified on all the actions that the Gregoryisgodistani government has done in order to impose their beliefs all across the multiverse with state-sponsored terrorism, brainwashing to other nations, attacking other nations under a clear breach of the World Assembly proposals about the usage of Weapons of Massive Destruction, executing people live in international TV and even killing their own population for propagandistic effects;

Disgusted That the International Community has not done enough efforts in order to condemn the behavior of the Gregoryisgodistani Government towards other nations and people from its own country;

Observing the efforts led by The Second Republic of Damukuni and The United Federation of Eura in order to establish a regional alliance, the South Esportivan Treaty Organization (SETO), composed by six nations that defends other nations at any attempt made by the Gregoryisgodistani Government to attack peaceful nations, disturbing the regional order and peace, and also leading a crusade which main aim is to empower the Gregoryisgodistani population with knowledge of their basic human rights;

Urging All the World Assembly members to recognize the need of condemning such a brutal and repressive regime like the Gregoryisgodistani Government, recognize the Gregoryisgodistani Government in exile as the legitimate government;

Wishing the end of the repressive and totalitarian Gregoryisgodistani Government of Lord Almighty Gregory and the creation of a legitimate and democratically-elected government that guarantees the human rights of the Gregoryisgodistani people;

Hereby Condemns The Glorious and Holy Nation of Gregoryisgodistan

The Serbian Sporting News
First Medal from Familiar Athletes: Bronze Alert

The first medal of this Olympiad was a bronze by our Women's 4X100m Freestyle Relay, the same group of swimmers who hold the world and Olympiad record no less. Tihana Alesic, Calliope Vukovic, Mila Vranac, and Sierra Mirkovic all were originally from the most hated Olympiad delegation, Gregoryisgodistan. They defected during the Olympiad to escape execution for their poor performance and have seen nothing but medals in this event ever since. Gregoryisgodistan has been named a candidate for WA Security Counsel Condemnation due to their volatile leader being very eager to use nuclear weapons, light bombs which were used on industrial sites within the Serbian Empire during the last Olympiad, and having an extraordinary number of concubines that number at least 450 in total.

That being said, the other two medaling nations in that event are also powerhouses in Aquatic events with the vulpine Vekaiyu team taking gold, and the Royal Kingdom of Quebec taking silver. Vekaiyun athletes are a dominating force in swimming to the point that most of their athletes in such events have Olympiad medals to their names. The Serbian team's medalists are fewer in number, but are known for keeping it close. The Quebecois are a force all over in many sports.

Dubious Record Set by Gordan Domagojevic

In Artistic Gymnastics, Gordan Domagojevic set an all-time low for ineptitude in the sport with a Vault so awful that there's videos of his awful performance circulating as the "Worst Gymnast Ever". Utterly dreadful to the point his score is a 79.775 which is the lowest score I can recall seeing in many Olympiads. Yet the man walks with a smile on his face.

"I know I did awful but I'm just glad to be here in all honesty. For me, this is a treat even if my poor performance means this is my last Olympiad I'll compete in," Gordan admitted to the media.

At least the guy's happy to be here even if his performance is incredibly awful. Which is a lot more than what you can say about the crash victims in the Men's Cycling Road Race.

Darko Maravic Announces Retirement Effective Closing Ceremony

Maravic has been snake-bit again this year and admits that the crash from a mechanical failure has him considering opening a bike shop to tune racing bicycles after seeing Serbian athletes struggle two Olympiads in a row with mechanical failures.

"I just can't keep doing this without risking serious injury or even my life with how the bikes are parts-wise. We're using equipment that is emulating the best. But it has become too unreliable in hopes of shedding grams of weight in order to increase speed. We've got to use the best alloys in terms of strength and weight, parts with proven to work designs instead of our experimental parts we've seen on the bikes each time, and I'm getting a bit old to compete against some of these guys. I don't recover as well as I used to in previous years. I might be as strong as ever, but the strength doesn't last as long. I'm just disillusioned with how our results have gone and can't see myself returning without being the tuner for these bikes. I feel like I can do a better job than whoever we have doing this stuff," Maravic said in his interview with us about his retirement.

Posted: **Mon Aug 08, 2016 11:44 am**

From: Pearline Jones <chefdemission.aeropag@olympicassoc.len>
To: LOA.ALL.AEROPAG <all.aeropag@olympicassoc.len>
CC: Eric Ashdown <eashdown.chairman@olympicassoc.len>; Terry Reynolds <treynolds.press@olympicassoc.len>
Subject: Daily Briefing, Day 1

Dear All,
I hope you have settled into your accommodation in Aeropag and Port Lusambo without too much difficulty. There is only one place to begin today's daily briefing.

Medallists
Congratulations to Joshua Halliday (24, Dover) on winning our first medal of the Games. Joshua won bronze in the men's 60 kg weight division in judo. Born in Dover, he took up the sport at 13 and now trains in Orean at the National Sports Centre. While he was a gold medal favourite, we are still as proud of him for winning bronze, with it being our first of the Games it makes it extra special.

I think most of you are aware by now that Liventia, Land of Hope has already been played at these Games, thanks to Sandy Brown (21, Jesner), who lifted 213 kg in the women's 48 kg weightlifting division. She was just 4 kg off the Olympic record set by none other than her current coach Clementine Plante, who lifted 217 kg for the Independent Athletes of Liventia in Outineau. A hearty congratulations to Clementine on the special achievement of winning gold as an athlete then going on to coach a gold medallist too. We expect more to come from the weightlifters.

Qualification
Well done to Jade Blanc and Grace Livingstone, who finished well clear in the women's synchronised 3m springboard diving preliminaries at the top of the leaderboard. They are favourites in their event and made it clear with a commanding qualifying performance.

There have also been very impressive performances from both the rowing and gymnastics teams. The men's gymnasts have qualified for the team all-around final, while Seth Blackwood and Hector Lièvremont have both made the individual all-round final. Cam Stevenson and Marc Picard also just missed out on the IAA final due to quota limits. Cam will however be in both the rings and the vault finals, and Marc will join him on the rings. Seth has also qualified for the vault while Hector will take part in the floor exercise final. While it is somewhat disappointing that we have not qualified for the pommel horse, parallel bars or horizontal bar, we only just missed out in all three so it's a case of working harder and making it next time.

The rowers, meanwhile, qualified eight of their nine boats in action today straight through to the quarter-finals. The men's pair, women's double scullers and women's lightweight four crews all won their respective heats as well. We wish the best of luck to Jamie Nielsen in his M1x repêchage heat, and the same to the other eight crews for their quarter-final races.

Miscellany
You will no doubt have heard of, and perhaps even seen, the antics of some athletes from other national Olympic committees. All athletes, staff and officials are reminded that condoms provided to you are to be used sole for what they were intended, i.e. sexual protection. Please do not engage in stupid behaviour; any behaviour contrary to the code of conduct will result in you being sent home, even if you have not completed your events. Should you become involved in any incident involving a foreign athlete, you are to report it immediately to the Chef-de-Mission, who will investigate and take further action. At no point should you retaliate; that is against the code of conduct.

That said, these are the Olympics; go out and explore Aeropag and Port Lusambo. Enjoy the nightlife, meet new people, have fun. Just remember to make use of the above-mentioned condoms should you engage in sexual activity. However, please avoid any … stressful … activities on the night before you compete. The team doctors are available to assist with any questions you might have, including about sexual health. LGBT athletes are also reminded we have an LGBT liaison who can be approached personally, or emailed confidentially, should you require any advice.

Finally, to the athletes who have yet to arrive and are still being held at your various training camps, we can't wait till you get here to Paripana. Keep training hard and see you soon.

Best regards,
Pearline

Pearline Jones
Chef-de-Mission, Liventia Olympic Association

Posted: **Mon Aug 08, 2016 11:46 am**

Glory to the Empire!

As the entire Uzekian Empire basks in the glory of Alphonse Huntoon who won the silver medal in the men's 400m freestyle, outdone only by Will Able, a swimmer only able to win thanks to substance abuse. The talented swimmer from Uzekia will be welcomed home a hero, with the Emperor wishing to meet Uzekia's first Olympic medallist. By the time the delegation flies home there can be little doubt that the Emperor will have hundreds more medallists to meet and congratulate. Indeed, the Emperor himself had wished to partake in the Games but our dear leader wish was rejected by the fearful hosts who knew that his appearance at their games would spread fear and darkness into the hearts and minds of all competitors who faced him.

While the Uzekian delegation continues to march on throughout Aeropag, victorious in the face of the decieters, the liars, the cheaters and the Kernansquillecan scum, a new enemy of the Empire attempted to slur the name of the glorious Uzekian Empire. The much inferior rat-like nation of Thatius dared to question the truths told by the Uzekian nation. All the contrary to their "journalist" and "citizens", the Uzekian Empire speaks as one, united behind our one true Emperor, our God upon Earth. The Uzekian Empire cannot speak lies, for we are the nation of the One Truth and from that Truth comes all of our greatness and power.

Let it be known that these Thatiusians are deluded inbreeds of feeble intelligence. They even attempt to defend their lifestyle of:

Thatius wrote:We prefer watching tennis from our mansions, sipping coffee late at night, and reading the newspaper for an hour before going to work at 5 o'clock in the morning.

Let it be for all to see that perversion leads to the disillusion of civilisation. How can a nation built up living in mansions, coffee drinking and reading claim to be anything but perverse? The one and only truly glorious Empire does not of such horrors. In our Godly Empire men and women live in modesty, bathed in the shadow of the Holy Emperor. We eat the food he gifted upon us, we drink the drinks he gifts upon us, we fight the battles he gifts upon us, we give up the lives he has given us. All for one goal: the glory of the Empire!

Thatiusians cannot even begin to comprehend how inferior they are, as they have not tasted the sweet taste of Uzekia. They do not know our ways and it is unlikely such inferior creatures will ever be able to contemplate the wonders of our superior civilisation. Let them have their drugs, their deceitful and perverted ways, Uzekia shall overcome, for we are the Chosen Land, we are the Empire of our dear leader, we are heaven upon Earth.

Glory to the Empire! Death to the traitors and infidels!

Posted: **Mon Aug 08, 2016 12:18 pm**

IS OUTRAGE!
The Olympic Blog of Fr. Vasily the Heavily Accented

Latex Condoms Are Pathway to Sin

I am here to be talking about latest outbreak of sinful condom-throwing behaviour here in Olympics, where athletes are totally out of control, to shame of Aeropag organisers. Long have I been against handing out of hanky-panky latex enablers to athletes, but these games situation has gone into spiralling that the control of is no longer possible.

Yes, I am sure that you would be preferring for me to talk about performance of monastic athletes. Yes, it is true that coxless pairs duo Callinicus and Constantine were in action, going into something that is being called 'repechage', it is true that Fr. Callinicus is also qualifying in single sculls. It is true that two fifths of road cycling team are failing to even finish course. It is also being true that Fr. Nicanor of the Lakes is doing excellent performance in canoe slalom. But there is not much to be saying there, and who is wanting to read endless dull summary of results?It is not as if sport is most important thing of Olympics when compared to unrivalled opportunity for tiresome public moralising.

So let us be talking of plague of water-filled condom-throwing. Since sinful bikini-wearing and pornography-reading harlot Marige Brixton was becoming first victim, many rambunctious young men have been doing the filling of condoms with water and throwing them at defenceless young women. Riko Salazar of Mattijana and Zeek Ruil of Ferkas are but two of men who need firm spanking to be telling them this is sinful behaviour. While some among women victims are clearly being akin to whore of Babylon, others are being innocent young nice girls who are not deserving to be feeling latex birth control hit them in face while making the splashy-splash.

Do not be doing misunderstanding. Orthodox Church is not being opposed to use of condom in loving married relationship; we are not being like inflexible Catholic heretical schismatics. But the hanky panky outside of marriage is what some are calling the simply not on. Though she is undoubtedly heretic, Miranda Lawrence woman from Electrum is doing talking of sense on issue.

Given increasing incidence of water-filled condom-throwing naughtiness outrage, I am demanding hosts are doing banning of all condoms in Olympic village with immediate effectiveness. Or else I am writing firm letter expressing outrage.

Posted: **Mon Aug 08, 2016 1:16 pm**

The following is a transcript of the Dunnes Broadcasting Corporation's coverage of the Men's 400m Freestyle Final:

Ryan Grove (Play by Play announcer for numerous Olympics): Welcome back to the Aeropag Natatorium, and now it's time for another final featuring a Dunian swimmer, the Men's 400m Freestyle Final. And what a final it is. All of the qualifiers for the final within half a second of each other. It's a wide open field.

Steve Johnson (Ex-Dunnian Coach, Color Commentator): Yes it is, the favorites are definitely Bill Gordon of Electrum, and Alphonse Huntoon of Uzekia, but anyone has a chance at the medal stand.

Ryan Grove: And here come the athletes. In lane eight, from Arioslavia, it's Boris Ilayev.

Steve Johnson: He's the slowest qualifier but in this field that doesn't mean much.

Ryan Grove: In lane one, it's Yeri Mikislavi from Vekaiyu.

Steve Johnson: He's got a long stroke, should come into play late in the race.

Ryan Grove: In lane seven, wearing that fluorescent green tracksuit, Dunnes' second finalist of the games, Will Able.

Steve Johnson: And listen to the roar of the crowd. The Dunian contingent in the stadium are making a lot of noise.

Ryan Grove: What're his chances though?

Steve Johnson: I think he's a dark horse for the bronze.

Ryan Grove: Now onto lane two, Alphonse Huntoon of Uzekia.

Steve Johnson: He's one of the favorites, a true all around swimmer.

Ryan Grove: Lane six holds Klita Razafer of the Vilitan Union.

Steve Johnson: Also a great all around swimmer, he swam a wonderous prelim.

Ryan Grove: Now to lane three Theodoric Barker. He's representing The Sarian.

Steve Johnson: He could be the surprise of the event. Not much is know about him but he could shock the field.

Ryan Grove: Now to the true heavy hitters. In lane five, it's Bill Gordon, the Electrumite.

Steve Johnson: Yes he's good. A true veteran with lots of experience. He had the second fastest qualifying time and won his heat.

Ryan Grove: And last, and certainly not least, Hugo Rosales, of Sargossa.

Steve Johnson: He's the top qualifier, and has swam into some good form in the past months. He's a man who most expect to take one of the medals.

Ryan Grove:So that's the field. From lane one to eight: Mikislavi, Huntoon, Barker, Rosales, Gordon, Razafer, Able, and Ilayev.

Steve Johnson: The Olympic Record is 3:40.10, a joint record between Marshall and Thirst, who shared the gold in Ashford.

Ryan Grove:As the athletes take the blocks, the crowd silences. Eight laps of the pool, 400m free final.

In Background: Take your marks. Set. Beeeep.

Ryan Grove:And they're off. It looks like Rosales and Huntoon are off well.

Steve Johnson: Huntoon had a wonderful underwater, and that's propelled him into the lead.

Ryan Grove:And here they come into the first turn. Rosales in the lead, followed by Huntoon and Gordon just a few hundredths behind. And coming off the turn, Gordon has picked up the pace.

Steve Johnson: And what a pace it is, we're in world record pace territory now.

Ryan Grove:Yes but is it too fast however?

Steve Johnson: We'll have to wait and see.

Ryan Grove:And into the end of the first one hundred. It's Gordon now who leads, but with Rosales and Huntoon still close behind. And behind the three leaders there's about half a body length to the rest of the field, including Dunnes Will Able.

Steve Johnson: He's back but perhaps playing it conservatively after the quick pace up front.

Ryan Grove:But still it's Rosales, then Huntoon and the Electrumite, Gordon, but Gordon looks just ever so strained.

Steve Johnson: Yes maybe perhaps feeling that quick pace from the beginning.

Ryan Grove:Everybody still in contention now, as we head back towards the starting blocks for the two hundred split.

Ryan Grove:And it’s still quick, as Rosales keeps the lead, and now we see Razafer moving up as well.

Steve Johnson: And its 1:49.90 through the halfway mark for the leaders, quite quick indeed for Rosales, the Sargossa swimmer.

Ryan Grove:And now its the do or die third quarter of the race, less than two hundred meters between the swimmers now and Olympic glory.

Steve Johnson: Will Able has been quiet so far, and now he’s looking prime to make a run at the field.

Ryan Grove:But sill out in front, it’s the duo in the lead, Rosales, and Huntoon. They’ve got about a three quarters body length lead on the rest of the chasers that include Gordon, Razafer, Mikislavi, and Able.

Steve Johnson: The two leaders are trying to open up that gap, but can’t seem to break the grasp of the chasers.

Ryan Grove: So right now we’ve got Rosales in lane four and Huntoon in two leading the field as we head into the final one hundred meters of this final.

Steve Johnson: And this is what it all comes down to. One hundred meters to go!

Ryan Grove: And its still Rosales and Huntoon up front, but their lead has come down a couple of tenths of a second.

Ryan Grove: The chasers are closing, and they are closing hard. Able now moving into contention, and Razafer out of lane six.

Steve Johnson: They’re really turing over the water now as they head into the final turn.

Ryan Grove:And out of the turn its Huntoon, the Rosales and Razafer. But Will Able has moved up into fourth.

Steve Johnson: But not for long Ryan, because look at Able’s underwater after the turn.

Ryan Grove: OH MY, Able has passed Razafer and is now charging towards the two leaders. Theres forty to go now, and Able has drawn even with Rosales. I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING. WILL ABLE HAS DRAWN EVEN WITH THE LEADER IN THE FINAL TWENTY METERS, AND HERE HE COMES!!! HES MAKING A LAST DITCH EFFORT TO GRAB THE GOLD, NOW WITH FIVE METERS TO GO. OHHHHHHHH IT’S TOO CLOSE TO CALL. WATCH THE CLOCK. OHHHHHHHHH ITS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLDDDDDDD WILL ABLE HAS COME OUT OF THE DEPTHS OF HELL TO CLAIM THE GOOOOLLLDDD MEDAL FOR DUNNES IN THE 400 FREE. AND THE DUNNES CROWD IN THE ARENA HAVE STARTED SCREAMING, AND ABLE IS IN TEARS AS HE RIPS OFF HIS CAP IN TRIUMPH.

Just look at how close the final touch was. Able just extending those long arms to the wall just to nick out Huntoon of Uzekia. Wow!

Ryan Grove: I STILL CANT BELIEVE IT Steve I CANT BELIEVE IT. ITS THE FIRST MEDAL FOR DUNNES IN THE POOL. AND ITS A GOOOOOLLLLDDD.

Steve Johnson: The Dunnes Swimming Federation invested a lot of money into their youth an junior development programs the past couple of years, and this is a result a gold medal.

Ryan Grove: Ok well, gosh, after the break we’ll be back for the awards ceremony.

Break for Commerical

Ryan Grove:And we’re back for the awards ceremony here at the Aeropag Natatorium for the awards.

Announcer: Receiving the Bronze Medal, with a time of 3:42.40, representing Sargossa, Hugo Rosales.

Claps in Background.

Announcer: Receiving the Silver Medal, with a time of 3:42.33, representing Uzekia, Alphonse Huntoon.

Claps in Background.

Announcer: And RECEIVING THE GOLD MEDAL, WITH A TIME OF 3:42.15, REPRESENTING DUNNES. THE OLYMPIC CHAMPION, WILL ABLE.

Claps and screaming in background, Chants of “Will” from the Dunian Fans.

Announcer: And now please remove your caps and face the flag for the National Anthem of Dunnes.

Dunian fans sing along with music:

When Duuunnes first, at heaven's command,
Arose from out the blue,
This was the charter, the charter of the land,
And the Above Angels sang this strain:

Rule, Dunnes! Dunnes, rule the waves!
Dunians never, never, never shall be slaves.

The nations not so blest as thee
Must, in their turn, to others fall,
While thou shalt flourish great and free:
The dread and jealously of them all.

Rule, Dunnes! Dunnes, rule the waves!
Dunians never, never, never shall be slaves.

Still more majestic shalt thou rise,
More dreadful from each foreign sline,
As the loud blast that cries the skies
Serves but to root thy native pine.

Rule, Dunnes! Dunnes, rule the waves!
Dunians never, never, never shall be slaves.

Ryan Grove: The National Anthem in all its glory, the flag in all of its glory, and Will Able in all of his glory, as Olympic Champion. I’m Ryan Grove, along with Steve Johnson, from the Aeropag Natatorium, we’ll be back tomorrow with more aquatics action, until then, fair well Dunnes.

Posted: **Mon Aug 08, 2016 2:02 pm**

DUNNES NATIONAL OLYMPIC COMMITTEE
OFFICE of the COUNSEL

32 OLYMPIC DRV.
ALTA, PROVIENCE of MONTAGNIA
DUNNES

UZEKIAN OLYMPIC COMMITTEE:

On day two of the XI Olympic Games, It has come to our attention that you have slandered: A) The Dunnes National Olympic Committee (DOC), B) The Swimming Dunnes Federation (SDUN), and C) Swimmer Will Able by falsely communicating and proclaiming that Able’s Gold Medal Victory in the Men’s 400m Freestyle last night was due to, “substance abuse.” Making these statements, of which you have no proof of, constitutes Slander, Libel, and Defemation, under Dunnes Legal Statute C.131.4.A, C.131.4.B, and C.100.1.A.

IMMEDIATELY CEASE AND DESIST FROM MAKING THESE CLAIMS ABOUT DOC, SDUN, and MR. ABLE THAT ARE UNTRUE AND/OR HAVE RECKLESS DISREGARD FOR THE TRUTH.

Please take great care in evaluating the statements you make about my clients prior to publicizing, either verbally or in writing, the said statements.

FAILURE to cease and desist, AND release a formal apology within 24 hours of this letter being sent, the DOC, SDUN, and Mr. Able will FILE SUIT in the Fourth District of the Dunnes Federal Court.

Sincerely,

Louis Hill
CHIEF COUNSEL,
DUNNES NATIONAL OLYMPIC COMMITTEE

Posted: **Mon Aug 08, 2016 2:10 pm**

TFG|The Federal Guardian
Sports || Health || Technology || Space || Domestic Politics || International Politics || Entertainment || World || Ndaku
Monday 08 August 2016

President Mbangu Makasi in Seattle, while Ndaku Earns Olympic Medals

KINSHASABURG - President Mbangu Makasi as well as Prime Minister Djoko Makasi, Chief Justice Tamandani Kimundu, Minister of National Defense Florence Simon, and Minister of Foreign Affairs Patrice De Carneillon are attending an international summit in Seattle, Aurevbush to discuss the current relations between Tanzerattish forces and the Streymoyian government (Tanzerattish military deployed 10,000 personnel unauthorized in Streymoyian territory Wednesday 3 August), international sports, trade, and much more.

President Mbangu Makasi

Tanzerattish Chancellor Raymond Anton authorized a force of 10,000 soldiers to enter Egypt, a territory which has been attacked by the Caliphate, a known terrorist organisation (Streymoy). The troops set up base around an old fort, which was checked for IED's and other weapons, it has been reported. According to Tanzerattish military officials, rules of engagement were 'if you see 'em kill 'em', coming from the General of Ground Forces himself. The counter attack is to begin sometime today, and local residents of the town Sidi Bawani, where base was set up, have been asked to remain inside their homes where possible.

Commanding officer of the force stated "My men came under fire last night, we struck back with power, and the attackers fled. We have reason tho believe they will be back, so we have several snipers set up around the town." It was speculated that naval vessels won't reach Egypt until Friday, but this delay is so they can be maxed out with weapons, personnel and, for the carriers, aircraft. The Chief Admiral stated that Tanzeratti will use its first 'vehicle carrier', which can transport vehicles across the sea, such as humvees, tanks and more.

Aurevbush, a longtime ally of the Ndakene Federation along with the Britonish, have been looking forward to organizing a unified military force needed for settling revolutions, unrest, or to perform space missions. According to local Seattle officials and observation in the past few months, armed forces of the Manticoran Empire have been urging to use armed aggression to end or treat the conflict going on in Bigtopia. As far as Ndakene and Britonish forces know from experience and knowledge, such an initiative could create even more problems; it would add gas to the fire.

It has been the job of Minister of Domestic Affairs Latisha Ballo to lead treatment to Ndaku's Christian-Muslim conflicts in eastern Ndaku. The Ndakene military has taken numerous actions on settling down rebels and extremists the best they can, and throughout the months and years, little progress has been made.

In the past four years tensions between Muslims and Christians in Central-Eastern Africa continued to rise as terrorism and uncertainty become prevalent throughout the region. Ever since the massive unification and formation of the Federation in 1997, it seemed to be that religious and ethnic differences became the main barrier to social unification. The Federation is already nationally and racially united, but religion and ethnicity are threatening to split up the great African nation.

Thousands of Ndakenes on Friday 22 July in the city of Babul, the capital city of the Savopian province, took to the streets after Islamic military personnel attempted to storm the Savopian Capitol. Political analysts say that this action was most likely caused by the fact that the Savopian Provincial Coalition is Christian. President Mbangu Makasi encouraged citizens to stand up for national solidarity, and against differential aggression. He also emphasized his opposing stance on armed extremists and strongly encouraged those living in Babul to take to the streets to show those who strive to divide the nation and the world how united Ndaku is.

The Seattle Summit is expected to make a significant impact on international relations between Ndaku and other nations, especially the Britonisea, Aurevbush, and the Manticoran Empire.

Ndaku's 10m air rifle shooters, Isabella Ferro and Enora Michon, became famous literally over night when they earned Ndaku's first Olympic medals; 1 bronze and 1 gold. After scoring 207.6 points in the finals, the sharp shooting 32 year old Isabella Ferro earned herself her first Olympic gold medal; Britonish shooter Rubi Rosato finished second place with 206.9 points, earning a bronze for the Britonisea; and 28 year old Enora Michon finished third scoring 185.9 points, earning the bronze medal for Ndaku.

More medals are expected to be earned by our athletes, #AllezLesVerts! #TeamNdaku! #OnYVas!

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Posted: **Mon Aug 08, 2016 2:16 pm**

HOCKEY—Men’s

The Young Lions lost in the first match

The men's field hockey team, the Young Lions, lost 4-2 with Eastfield Lodge, in the first matchday of the Group C in the Olympics. At the Olympic Tower, the team had its first misstep after a great performance in the Qualifiers. The defeat is not decisive, but a shock to confidence. Fluvique will seek for recovery in the upcoming matchday, with the need to return what they showed in the qualifiers. The Lions deserved to fall, because they failed to impose its weight and pardoned the life of its opponent again and again in the circle. They lacked of clarity and lucid mids to do a safe step in the debut.

The first half of the match gave clear chances for Fluvique. But when they failed to take advantage, Eastfield Lodge punished every time. While the Lions were trying to pass the ball and gain a penalty corner. Howeve, it was Eastfield Lodge which scored after every Fluviquean mistake, scoring the two first goals of counterattack.

With the score in favor of their rivals, the team of Stephen Shaw tried to overcome with fierceness and managed to unsettle, but there was no reward and instead suffered the 3-0 from penalty corner. Before the end of the third quarter, Ezequiel Noguiera scored the 1-3, creating some hope. The tricolors suffered again at the start of the last quarter and only were able to score in the last minute, setting the 4-2 final thanks to a field goal of Brad Sawyer.

BASKETBALL—Women’s

The Giants started with a victory

The women's basketball team made its debut with a solid win against Amnarei-asud by 84-80, in the first match of the Group C in the Olympic Tower. The quarters of the game, which opened the way for The Giants were: Fluvique 21-13, 22-18, 25-27 y 16-22. Blythe Dorine became the great figure of a surprising start, with 16 points, 5 rebounds, 6 assists and 1 steals. In addition, Madison Miranda helped with 15 points and 9 rebounds in the paint.

Undoubtedly, the great first time that had the team, which ended up 43-31, allowed them to take a fist step firmly to dream with a next round qualification in this Olympics games of Aeropag.

SWIMMING—

The Aeropag Natatorium was the scenario for first Fluviqueans to compete. First was Nathaniel Acciaioli in breaststroke. On his first heat, he finished 8th and qualified to the semi-final with a time of 1:00.14. Jimmy Nervetti had not the same luck, finishing 50th. In the final, Acciaioli finished 12th with a time of 1:00.23 and was out of the grand final.

ARCHERY—

Despite yesterday's good start, the Fluviquean men's team was eliminated in 16th-finals, loosing 3–5 with Serbian Empire

BOXING—

The first day of boxing at Olympic Tower was a true mix of feelings and results. The journey started with the defeat of Salome Perez in women’s light flyweight against Lara Tanner. The first good news came in women’s lightweight, with Marjan Leblanc defeating artha Minimax and qualifing to the 16th-finals, were she will face Xa Lokeseri (VEK).

While, the olympic gold medalist Tasha Sissie started her path trying to defend her medal defeating Gail Hanks and now will fight with Dorieanne Price in 8th-finals. Marinda Affini is in the same round, but in light heavyweight after beating Marita Ksenijavic. In heavyweight Zoraida Dunn defeated Mary Soy and now will face Brie von Zart in 8th-finals, to close a more than possitive day for the national boxing.

CANOE SLALOM—
Big was the disappointment of Zacharie Leigh and Ronda Albini, both competing in men's and women's canoe slalom c1. Leigh finished 16th, while Albini was 22nd. Both were eliminated in the first heat.

HANDBALL—Women’s

Last-minute goal for The Claw

The team of Megan Benitez rallied from five goals and scored in the last possession to win 25-24 in a thrilling match against Ndaku, in the first match of the Group C. Not only because is an sport with best results for the men. Its not about an amazing victory, after being running from behind. But The Claw, the women's handball team of Fluvique, is earning a place among the best and are enforced in Aeropag.

In the opener game against Ndaku, Fluvique rallied from five goals at the end of the first half and achieved a historic 25-24. At the final whistle, the girls ran into the court, jumping and throwing bottles to the airs, until forming an human mountain, while chanting "allez, allez les femmes", with some tears on their cheeks. Aryana Carry was named MVP of the match with 9 goals, while Zoe Maëlys scored 5 and Johanna Vinne 4, among the Fluviquean top-scorers.

ROWING—

One of the sports which lets us dream with medals is rowing. And the results so far are very promising and the hopes of our athletes are growing, while all of them qualified for the quarterfinals. In men’s single sculls was Brian Dorian, who finished 2nd and, togheter with Andreas Giacomo, advanced to the next round in double sculls.

In men’s coxless pairs, Kyle Rhisiart/Marious Amyas were 1st on their heat, just like Geffrey Wilmer/Horace Samuel/Blaine Carlyle/Rain Ianson in quadruple sculls. Among women, Eleanore Svetlana was third on her heat in single sculls and Samantha Deirdre/Lucia Lelia qualified in double sculls.

TENNIS—

Simon Van Haanrade had to suffer and fight to continue in the Olympic Tennis, but finally reversed the match to defeat Oliver Morris by 4-6, 6-2 and 8-6. In the next rund, he will face Arnaldo Pan (SAN). The bad news was the early exit of Rick Erckens, loosing in three sets againts Brandon Lissett by 6-2, 6-7 and 3-6. In 64th finals, the last bronze medalist and tricolor hope, Juan Gabriel Fernandez, will face Pontus Källström (NES) for a place in the next round, while Matthias Riley will play with Peter Clarke (TSA). In doubles, the Fluviquean pair Fernandez/Tommy Van Houte will play in the 32nd-finals with Alex Dimitrov/Mattias Burges (MTJ)

Our women were unbeaten yesterday, with victories of Beatrice Benchamp (6-4 and 6-2 over Elana Thippe (VTR) and Krista Fournier defeated Iuicusoompaloompadoompadeedooihaveanotherpuzzle4u in three sets (6-7, 7-6 and 6-0). The fixtures for the 64th finals include: Elizabeth Quehall (BRI)–Beatrice Benchamp and Patience Hohl (KRN)–Krista Fournier.

INDOOR VOLLEYBALL—

The first match is always hard. This time, for the women's volleyball team that first step had a happy ending. The ladies won 3-2 againt Paripana Sporting Council in a good match, full of ups and downs and comebacks. The sets for the tricolor team were of 21-25, 20-15, 20-25, 25-13 and 15-9, to secure a vital first victory in the Group D at Olympic Tower.

The team led by Laura Bouchard had in Emiliana Joslyn its top-scorer with 23 points. Magda Katinka, in the other hand, helped with 21 points.

Other results
FENCING—Women’s Individual Épée
Sara Farber (PSC) 15–7 Lara Philips (FLU)

JUDO—Women’s 48 kg
Maggie Breckenridge (FLU) def. Graca Yamauchi (AMN)
8th-finals
Katija Lisiki (MTJ) def. by Maggie Breckenridge (FLU)
Quarter-finals
Maggie Breckenridge (FLU) def. by Elizabeth Glove (VKL)
Repêchages
Erin Reece (WRY) def. Maggie Breckenridge (FLU)

JUDO—Men’s 60 kg
16th-finals
Halim Travis (NDA) def. Frits Marino (FLU)

Posted: **Mon Aug 08, 2016 2:57 pm**

Moderately Interesting Wray Olympic Stats

To celebrate Wray's first medal at the Games of the XI Olympiad in Aeropag, Paripana - Erin Reece taking a bronze in the Women's 48kg - a 6th grader with a calculator and computer has produced an, at best, moderately interesting set of statistics pertaining to Wray at the Olympics Games. We must warn you, the following statistics could induce a light sweat, slight shortness of breath and a serious case of mild interest.

Wray has been to 3 Olympic Games - VIII (Orean, Liventia), IX (Kytler Bay, Kytler Peninsulae) & X (Centralis and Nassau Bay, Electrum & New Gelderland) - and attend their fourth this time in Aeropag. In this time, they have earned 93 medals - 24 in Orean, 39 in Kytler Bay and 30 in Centralis and Nassau Bay - that's a healthy average of 31 medals per Games, with an average of 11 golds, 8 silvers and 12 bronzes, so Wray will have to improve from the 0-0-1 per day which they are currently achieving at the XI Olympics.

Where have these medals been won, you feverishly ask amongst the mild interest brought on by such a slew of devastatingly average statistics? Well, unsurprisingly, two sports are way out in front:

1. SWIMMING - 8 GOLDS - 7 SILVERS - 6 BRONZES - 21 TOTAL
2. CANOEING - 10 GOLDS - 4 SILVERS - 3 BRONZES - 17 TOTAL

Going by the more legitimate metric of medal weighting, with golds worth 3 points, silvers worth 2 and bronzes worth 1 point puts swimming on 44 points and canoeing on 41 points, thus maintaining swimming's supremacy. Beyond these two bountiful sporting fields, there are three sports with reputable medal counts:

3. ATHLETICS - 3 GOLDS - 4 SILVERS - 4 BRONZES - 11 TOTAL
4. BOXING - 1 GOLDS - 0 SILVERS - 7 BRONZES - 8 TOTAL
5. SHOOTING - 0 GOLDS - 2 SILVERS - 4 BRONZES - 6 TOTAL

Going by the scoring mechanism, Athletics scores 21 points, Boxing 10 points and Shooting 8 points. But these points totals are superseded by points totals taken in the following sports, thanks to a batch of golds.

6=. JUDO - 1 GOLDS - 1 SILVERS - 3 BRONZES - 5 TOTAL
6=. ROWING - 2 GOLDS - 2 SILVERS - 1 BRONZES - 5 TOTAL
8. CYCLING - 3 GOLDS - 1 SILVERS - 0 BRONZES - 4 TOTAL

However, thanks to our handy friend Mr Points, we can ascertain that in fact, we've done better in Rowing and Cycling (10 points and 11 points respectively) than we have in shooting and boxing, using the Golds as a discriminator between Rowing and Boxing. Cycling has also been particularly varied - medals have been earned on the road, in the mountains and on the track - Wray's first Olympic Gold was Sarah Grevan in Orean, in the Women's Road Race. Beyond this, a whole slew of sports have between 4 and 1 medal between them:

9=. GYMNASTICS - 2 GOLDS - 1 SILVERS - 0 BRONZES - 3 TOTAL
9=. SAILING - 0 GOLDS - 0 SILVERS - 3 BRONZES - 3 TOTAL
9=. TAEKWONDO - 0 GOLDS - 1 SILVERS - 2 BRONZES - 3 TOTAL
9=. VOLLEYBALL -2 GOLDS - 0 SILVERS - 1 BRONZES - 3 TOTAL
13=. EQUESTRIAN - 0 GOLDS - 0 SILVERS - 1 BRONZES - 1 TOTAL
13=. FENCING - 0 GOLDS - 0 SILVERS - 1 BRONZES - 1 TOTAL
13=. MODERN PENTATHLON - 0 GOLDS - 0 SILVERS - 1 BRONZES - 1 TOTAL
13=. TRIATHLON - 1 GOLDS - 0 SILVERS - 0 BRONZES - 1 TOTAL
13=. WATER POLO - 0 GOLDS - 1 SILVERS - 0 BRONZES - 1 TOTAL

Posted: **Mon Aug 08, 2016 3:26 pm**

SSM | Sargossan State Media
International Edition - Sport

Off The Mark

Blanco Borrayo reports from Aeropag;

And here we are, all the nations are in attendance, the opening ceremony has done its job and the Games of the Eleventh Summer Olympiad are officially underway. And as it’s the opening days of the Olympics the majority of Sargossan eyes, as is tradition, turned towards the Aeropag Natatorium for the opening events of the swimming competition. We are home to a proud swimming tradition which both helps and hinders the current team in equal measure. Certainly they are never short of facilities, equipment or support staff but they also operate firmly in the shadow of thirty two medals of varying colours, won in previous Games.

The likes of Olympic record holder Marc ‘The Shark’ Sarasola and seven time medallist Adriana Abarca have exited the competitive scene so new blood is now expected to step up and compete for the gold. Traditionally Sargossan swimmers have excelled over the 100m and 200m distances, with Breaststroke proving to be a particular national forte, and it’ll be up to Alonso Charro and Luís Bogarín to uphold national pride in that event. On the Women’s side Catalina Aguilar is the Azul League’s 100m star and she will don the darker blue in four events here in Aeropag. Leya Carias is another to watch, particularly in her favoured 200m Backstroke.

Given the nation’s Breaststroke pedigree there was a certain amount of disappointment for fans back home as they saw both Charro and Silvio Criada fail to reach the semi-finals of the Men’s 100m. Catalina Aguilar fared a little better in the Women’s 100m Fly, finishing in eleventh place. Freestyle has never offered a huge amount of joy for the nation’s swimmers but the Women’s 4 x 100m Relay team came agonisingly close to a place in the final, finishing in eleventh. Performance of the night arguably goes to Alfonso Siles who gave everything in qualifying for the final of the Men’s 400m Medley. Unfortunately for Alfonso he gave slightly too much and had little left for the final itself. The same was not true of Hugo Rosales who was the faster qualifier in the Men’s 400m Freestyle. It was a magnificent effort and although he couldn’t quite replicate that form in the evening’s final he did hold of the Vilitan challenge to take the bronze and get Sargossa onto the medal table.

The opening days of the Games are a wonderful opportunity for participants in some of the less sexy events to firmly put themselves in the spotlight. SargoSport cameras raced over to the Orange-Green Bowl to bring television viewers at home coverage of an actual victory in the Archery, the Men’s Team clearly delighting in their elimination round win over Vekaiyu. It got even better with a win one round later over Qasden before the run ended in the last sixteen against Rushmori rivals Taeshan. In Table Tennis Aldair Espina and Diego Quiroz were ranked so low they had to compete in the preliminary round. And there Espina would fall but Quiroz, buoyed by vocal neutral support, trounced his Gregoryisgodistani opponent in the final set to make it through to the main draw. He was then outclassed by Vilitan Frances Dunes but Sargossan number one Ernesto Solís kept the flag flying with a win in his match. On the Women’s side Team Sargossa were wiped out. We happen to be a lot better at the bigger version of Tennis and all of Sargossa’s competitors earned byes through to the competition proper.

The introduction of qualifying tournaments for a number of team events saw a general cull of Sargossa’s finest in Basketball, Hockey, Handball, Water Polo and, most embarrassingly of all, Football. But one of the few team’s left standing were the Women’s Volleyball side, who opened their account with a win over The Sarian. And the Comino sisters, Beach Volleyball gold medallists from Zube dropped their opening set against the Mapletish duo of Emma and Fabiana but recovered to win the next two and take a share of the lead in Group D.

Posted: **Mon Aug 08, 2016 3:36 pm**

MattiGoss-Exclusiv!

Headlocks and Deadlocks as revenge attacks plunge Olympic Village into Surf War!

After a reported revenge attack by West Phoencian athletes, presumably teammates of Marige Brixton, Riko Salazar and his men from the BMX team, whose room was probably trashed by the swimmers, decided to launch a counter-counter attack! This was well-orchestrated and involved many more homemade condom-bombs than ever anticipated! According to us, these were filled with more destructive liquids such as sea-water, maple syrup, cold coffee and brake oil!

The riders also made an alarming discovery when entering the swimmers room with their own key as it turned out that all the locks, and therefore the keys, are absolutely identical! That prompted many concerned athletes to fit deadlocks to their doors in order to protect themselves from future conflict!
We grabbed another exclusive interview with the man himself!

MG: "So Riko, how do you feel about being attacked yourself last night!?"

RS: "They were like...total animals or somethin...I was just out soakin up a bit of the nightlife man...and I came back and the room was like...upside down bruv...with this weird red stuff in all my pants. I had to go in with like...my toilet brush...and like...scrub it all out man...it was like...totally uncool dude..."

MG: "What do you say about reports that you left a few presents of your own for Marige!"

RS: "Well...ya know man...it's a long way to the loo man...and the plumbing's not great...and like...it's not really that bad is it? I give them a scrub like...every five days...so they're like totally cleaned up bruv...I think it's just the haters man...like...trying to give bad vibes or somethin..."

MG: "Are you planning any more raids in the next few days Riko!?"

RS: "Maybe man...like if we get attacked then we gotta...ya know...get out there a bit dude...if those Phoencian birds think about coming in here again...then they can meet our barricade bruv...and I spent all my spare time yeaterday cutting a hole in the wall for ya know...condom lobbing...and I think that'll be like...totally rad dude..."

MG: "Thanks for your time Riko! Good luck!"

It seems that with a revenge attack from the Serbian Empire's fencing team imminent and potential involvement from the Olympic comittee expectedee, Riko Salazar could find himself in hotter water than what he puts in his water balloons!

MattiGoss-Gossip with the partially fabricated bits left in-voted Mattijana's second-least favourite publication for the tenth year running!

Posted: **Mon Aug 08, 2016 3:47 pm**

After yet another stray condom flying into Tobiasian areas, the combined football team have deceided to threaten any nations athletes throwing condoms. They said in an interview, "the water bombs are still here, we are still ready". Should any Mattijanan, Wedt Phoneician or Serbian fencing condom appear over the wooden balcony, they shall expect reprisals. There have been reports of water bombs being laid under the doormat of the Mattijanan BMX rider that started it all.

Posted: **Mon Aug 08, 2016 4:44 pm**

Titles drop whipping up a storm

The West Phoenician Olympic Committee has received over 1000 complaints from athletes and viewers in regards to people of nobility having their titles dropped during the Aeropag games.

The culture of West Phoenicia has always had a reverent respect to the nobility classes and the titles that were bestowed on them either during birth or granted by the remaining monarch.

The removal of these titles makes West Phoenicia question if the host nation has an anti-royalist agenda as West Phoenician athletes have been left disgruntled and emotional stressed before they were to partake in their matches.

The first official complaint arose during the qualifiers and now Fencer Duchess Margaret Iris has also suffered the indignity when she rose to complain only to have a fencing judicator inform her if she did not like it the royalist pig could have her maid pack her bag and go home.

The West Phoenician Olympic Committee is at a loss for words. The Paralympics showed us such respect and its from the same sporting body. A title is an honour in the highest respect and our athletes are being treated as if they were bogans.

In other statements the WPOC has warned all West Phoenician athletes not to deliver hot pockets onto the beds of Mattijana players.

Posted: **Mon Aug 08, 2016 5:10 pm**

/They set out just as dusk was setting, a procession of green which moved unhurriedly through the crowd, heralded by a triumphant band. They were ready for war, who better to lead them than their King, Blacksen the first.

He stood on the left flank of the 40 or so athletes, his water balloon catapult in hand, a bag of prepared condoms over one shoulder. He would not allow the Haven to be outdone in this matter, especially when such a clear challenge had been made.

The balcony was ahead of them, and many of the Vakolicci had no problem climbing it. Robert Strong was the first up, the huge man standing on the top and loading his catapult as his compatriats lined up around him.
"one...two...three..." Blaksen said softly.
"Now!"

The bombardment of Tobiasian-held areas had begun as condoms started to fly, aimed at exposed athletes.

Posted: **Mon Aug 08, 2016 6:26 pm**

Coach's Perspective - Marcel Cody-Yi

'So coach.....what do we exactly have to do once entering the lines?' Irina Scherban asked Marcel Cody-Yi, her personal and national team coach for Women's sabre, whom she's been understudy under since the age of 12. The Quebecois athletes, dressed in their finest, custom-made weed-coloured kits, was waiting for their turn to enter the stadium for their lap of waves. 'I can't wait for all of this to happen!'

'Do you really wanna know how it's like to be?' Marcel asked in a curious tone. Her eyes instantly lighting up, he realised that he was now obliged to respond as she asked. 'Yeah, is it all about getting lost in middle of nowhere and just waving everywhere with people I've never seen before?'

'Yeah, pretty much.' Marcel nodded, slowly looking at the people around him before drawing back to Irina's gaze. 'Within your minute and half of taking your lap with 500 peoples, it's pretty much expected that you be feeling little bit lost. After all, you don't really know a lot of people outside of sports circle sometimes, unless you're used to seeing them very often, like Michelle, let's say.' He was talking about Michelle Ahn, a sabreuse 3 years younger whom also led the Quebecois Women's Sabre team to team gold. Shortly after the Olympic Games they both retired, got married and since then have been living in Bathurst with a son added to their family.

'And then once you get lost, you feel as if all of the eternity's gonna take before you're halfway through', Marcel continued saying, feeling exactly like very summer day in Centralis. 'Being part of the nation's delegation and getting to wave at tens of thousands of people may be a great thing, but single distraction and a bit of feeling lost later, you may end up on another nation's delegation!' Marcel chuckled, as Irina got surprised for one bit and then cheerfully punched him on shoulder.

In all honesty, Marcel didn't have to worry about that in actuality, for he got to enjoy a totally different experience: the last olympics in Centralis and Nassau Bay, the 38-year old Marcel was the Quebecois flagbearer. He, even on the tail-end of his career, was one of their best medal hopes. Even though the mounting pressure ultimately had him collapse in a disappointing round of sixteen exit (he ended up placing 9th-place) and only picked up gold in Men's Team Sabre last time around in Nassau Bay.

'Obviously you won't have to worry about that if you're the flagbearer. However, you're going to be all over the camera, with millions of cameras around you to take pictures of your smile, wave, derpy expressions, and so on,' Marcel said, now looking lot more nostalgic of the past. 'Getting to be the flagbearer is certainly not for those who can't take lots of spotlights and be brave. Are you?'

'You know I am.' Irina sternly looked at his coach, before smiling back. This tactic seemed to work pretty well in times when they were talking, and right now was the case. 'I hope to do well and end up there someday. Not sure if I'll get enough sleep by the very morning though.'

'Yeah, don't forget about that.' Marcel nodded. He himself knew very well on that department of things; one of his fellow sabreurs, Marcel Brodas, was out partying for 12 hours before going to the bed the very night before. While he always asserted that there was no direct correlation of partying and performance decline, the 34-year old Montrealer ended up placing 18th, far short of where he had imagined to end up (though in reality he was not that highly expected to win a medal- Brodas has been declining in form the last while). 'I mean......I'm not going to do any curfews since you're good with all that....but, you never know.'

Suddenly, they heard a loud trumpet playing The Mourning of Super Dupa Troopa, which brought all to attention right in the front. It was a scheduled annoucement, as done by every Quebecois flagbearer in any major games (e.g. Commonwealth Games). 'The time has come for us, the Proud People of the True North, to march forward and take a lap of our time. I hope all of you, by the end of our sixteen-day stay, will find ourselves with achievements, medals and glory, as well as newfound friendship and camraderie.'

Standing in the front Irina noticed Joanna Wex, the captain of women's handball team whom she had seen before on Embarking Ceremony 2 weeks ago. Standing with pride and dignity, the 30-year old from Halifax was holding the Quebecois Tricolour & Taegeuk flag with both her hands.

Irina and Marcel noticed a some sort of glow, as they watched her continuing to make a brief remark. It was something expected and unexpected from the handball legend at the same time, they both thought, as Joanna continued making the best of his minute talking about the pride, in representing not only the nation, but also the oneself. Getting tired of the same stuff said again, Marcel decided to turn by commentating about the general context instead. "'Yadda Yadda Yadda, Blah Blah Blah,' that's what she's saying." Marcel said, with much use of onomatopoeia.

It was then that Irina Scherban noticed a particularly familiar face next to her. 'Celine, What did Marcel say in those opening remarks back then?' Irina asked, Celine Lamouche, the swimmer beside him. She remembered meeting the woman, who's around the same age as her, back in high school during a summer camp. Since then, they knew each other as acquaintances, though nothing more than few messages exchanged on Facebooke and exchanging likes on L'Instagramme.

'Exactly as he described it.' said Celine with a sentence, before throwing a wink at Marcel. Irina and Marcel, whom he's met many times in social functions over the last decade, laughed. 'I knew this would be the case' face. 'Sorry, Marcel. You know I love fucking with you but this is real.'

And now, it was their turn to take a lap. Irina felt massive surges of emotion, which had her eyes and mouth open in wonder. In middle of a huge stadium in middle of Olympic Tower, where 50,000+ seats were filled with dignateries and commoners, both domestic and foreign cheering at the delegates of the northern Calanian nation. Loud, fanfare-filled and colourful, this was not like anything she's been in; during the last commonwealth games held in Svanboerg, Norrehavn, then 20-year old opted out of the opening ceremony to prepare for the individual sabre competition on Day 2. So this was the first time she got to be part of the company, and it was unlike anything. In the Olympic Tower, she was lost with emotions. With this in mind Irina prepared not to get caught too much in the drift and hoped that her preparation, youthfulness and passion would get her through. And maybe like her senior, Isabelle Park, to land a medal or even better a gold.....

Posted: **Mon Aug 08, 2016 6:39 pm**

Ups-And-Downs for New Swimmer, Statement by Judoka
Reporting for V3 News Services, Rin Slakori

AEROPAG - A jam-packed day of several disciplines opened Day One of the Eleventh Summer Olympiad, with the morning and afternoon featuring gold medals from Vekaiyu. It didn't start out well for the vulpine nation, especially for Yeri Mikislavi, who managed a bronze and silver last year in the Men's 400 meter freestyle and 100 meter breaststroke, respectively. After taking his talents to the Aeropag Natatorium, all he could manage was a 5th and 7th place finish in the finals and semifinals, respectively. The first miss was understandable - despite winning his heat against rival Yoshirou Kagawa from Kelssek and Michael Madsen from Benjamin Mark (a favorite who for whatever reason seemed well off the pace - we heard a report of cramping, but that was not verified), his time was good enough for seventh overall, which relegated him near the edges of the pool and would therefore mean he would lack the advantage of a draft by missing out in the middle lanes, something he used to his advantage during the Tenth Summer Games. Despite this, he finished a respectable fifth. A similar story followed him to the 400 meter freestyle, as he finished first in a competitive heat to pace the likes of Noel Laviolette from Quebec and Charles Koenig of Krytenia - two early favorites - and Guaya Beans Are Dumb from Gregisgodistan (it is not our position to comment on the nomenclature of names across the 'verse, but it becomes helpful if one avoids pausing and thinking about such naming conventions for a time). Mikislavi also managed to advance to the finals in a highly-competitive match featuring two swimmers from the home nation Paripana. While this is certainly impressive, he will again have the daunting task of attempting a medal in one of the edge lanes.

"I'm not worried," he said after the race. "It just means I need to work harder. Plus this year I'm starting to pull away during the breaststroke part of the medley. I just need to prevent my turn on the butterfly from being sloppy." Indeed, Mikislavi seemed to be among the fastest competitors out there for the breaststroke, an event he has excelled at in the past (two bronze medals overall). He will need to reach back and grab some more momentum for the final round.

Another swimmer having trouble early on was newcomer Sisilia Nokasero from Calesu. The fifteen year old must have been a little starstruck by the international crowd during the Women’s 100 meter Butterfly, as she looked visibly nervous prior to kick-off. The fact that veteran (and current record-holder Iseli Viverisi) missed her cut-offs earlier probably made her prospects all the more daunting. Even the venue is a bit different compared to the predominantly-Vekaiyun venues she has swam at. The Aeropag Natatorium, built to accommodate the Fourth Summer Olympiad, is a still-new structure but seems to be nestled around much taller buildings, the taller and oddly-shaped structures looming over the small pool in a foreboding but respectable manner. It doesn't house as many fans as many Vekaiyun aquatic arenas, and the Vekaiyun presence, while always a factor in swimming events due to their loud and at times raucous nature, seemed a bit less populated today. At any rate, she could only manage placing sixth in her heat round, good enough for 41st overall - definitely not something one would like to remember as their first match. However, with a little assistance from teammates, she was able to turn her day around completely.

"Ankya [Isassi] helped me to put it into perspective," she said after helping the Vekaiyun 4 x 100 meter relay team to a gold medal, the first for Vekaiyu in these Eleventh Summer Games. Isassi lead off the relay team and therefore faced the brunt of the pressure of requiring a strong start. "She tends to block out all external factors, forgets the comforts of home, and just looks out to the water and the colored lane dividers. At least that's some of what she told me." Whatever the pep talk involved, it must have worked. The combined efforts of Isassi, Ivalsa Beraseri, Nokasero, and Ikrisia Sulevire won their heat in the event, due in part to butterfly routine provided by Nokasero. The team would later improve upon their performance for a gold medal by shaving of some four seconds from their routine. While the relay team no doubt will miss the now-retired Riyna McAves on paper, the newcomer seemed to have helped the team pick up right where they left off at the Tenth Summer Games, as they had won the gold the year before.

Switching to gymnastics, we reported yesterday about the outspoken behavior of a certain Yiisu Besatera and his gestures which happened to be just off camera from Vekaiyun reporters. The athlete, who competed alongside fellow Vekaiyun gymnasts alike, managed to qualify for the overall routine later on, capped by an amazing ring routine which featured an impeccable (seriously, has anyone not seen it by now?) iron cross held for approximately five seconds and a benchmark-setting inverted cross. The routine was capped by a strong dismount planted after a series of rather dynamic twists and flips. He waved casually to the crowd, which volleyed both cheers and hisses at him.

"You're probably wondering if I'm going to say something out of line," he said to a rookie V3 News Reporter. "Isn't that nice." He then proceeded to walk toward the locker room.

Perhaps a bit less talkative but just as memorable was the series of victories scored by repeat gold medalist Sayli Sokanovi. Her final match with Tricia Slater was a memorable one. The back-and-forth contest between the two judokas featured an embarrassing ippon loss by Sokanovi which dominated the first frame, but she managed to secure a 2-1 advantage by finding a good rhythm of throws, one of which may have been an ippon, but was scored as a waza-ari instead. Regardless, she edged Slater by two yukos in the final frame to win the contest in five matches and secure her second straight gold. The medal ceremony was just as tense, however, as the young judoka could be seen pumping her right fist in the air with a white glove, presumably in an attempt to show that her win meant a little more this year.

"I dedicated this medal to my nation of Vekaiyu, but to all sentient species, human and non-human, everywhere," she proclaimed. "As for the glove, I don't know, it felt right. Probably something I read in a book somewhere. Hopefully it's not controversial toward myself or the other Olympians on the platform." Of course, notable international papers had nothing to say about this and presumed it to not be sexist nor specieist, which is of course exactly what it was. We think.

Posted: **Tue Aug 09, 2016 5:00 am**

Day 2 results are now available (part 1 · part 2 · part 3 · part 4 · part 5).

Posted: **Tue Aug 09, 2016 5:45 am**

Here is the latest people to progress.

DIVING—Men’s Synchronized 10 m Platform
Jacob Navy / Marc Marine -Advance to Semi-Finals

WATER Basketball—Men’s
West Phoenicia defeats Drawkland 79–75

CANOE SLALOM—Men’s K-1
Matthew Iowa

CANOE SLALOM—Women’s C-2
Hannah Iowa/Mia Le Percy-Move to Semi-Finals

EQUESTRIAN EVENTING—Individual
Bethany Bush

ARTISTIC GYMNASTICS—Women’s
Melissa St Marie-Beam

Hockey - Women's
Kelssek lost to West Phoenicia 1–2

ROWING—Men’s Coxless Fours
Josh Team/Paul Team/David Team/Chris Tree-Move to quater finals

ROWING—Women’s Lightweight Double Sculls
Whitey Tea Awe/Katherine Malone-moved to Repêchages

ROWING—Women’s Coxless Pairs
Katherine Malone/Angie Baffa - move to Repêchages

ROWING—Women’s Coxless Fours
Angie Baffa/Katherine Malone/Cassandra Bush II/Cath Defence-move to Repêchages

Table Tennis-Mens singles
Axel Hobson

Tennis-Mens singles
Kamal Dallas

Beach Volleyball-Mens
Micah True-Path / Amos True-Path

Women's Softball

Posted: **Tue Aug 09, 2016 6:34 am**

Shoal Sets the Standard

Gold, Olympic Record in 10m Air Pistol

Ferkian Broadcast Corporation - Online

(Aeropag) Henrietta Shoal shot her way to an Olympic gold medal today in the 10m Air Pistol, setting the new Olympic record in the event as well. Getting through to the final with a 6th place finish in the qualifiers, Shoal stepped up another step in the finals, shooting a 197.6 to defeat Katija Malenkova (MTJ) who shot a 197.4.

Shoal, who spends her days working as an accountant for a Dershire based firm, credited her success to a childhood in the countryside and the mentor-ship of her father, Peter Shoal.

"My dad was a huge outdoors-man - fishing, hunting, boating - all that stuff. But shooting was probably the biggest. He grew up in a family where hunting played a big part in feeding everyone in the house, so having good aim was really important. So even after he married my mom and was working in the town and everything it was still something he kept up with, and made a point to teach me and my brothers about. He had this little range set up behind our barn where we would go out on Sunday afternoons for some practice. It was a great family bonding sort of activity, going out for a couple hours before spending the evening in together. At some point my dad and I both realized that maybe I could go somewhere with this and he started sending me to a shooting club as well. But those earlier times shooting with my dad were what really set me on this and gave me the motivation to keep with it."

Shoal is the second Ferkian gold medalist already in Aeropag, and she wasn't the only medalist of the day.

Shawna Zoelar proved her strength today in the 53kg womens weightlifting event, with her lift of 220kg getting her the bronze medal. Zoelar joins her teammate Heather Kline as a medal-winner, a real statement to the Coventry Lifting Association both are members of. Zoelar was only 2kg behind gold and 1kg beyond silver. With this, Ferkas now has four medals already - 2 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze - numbers which will hopefully grow as more finals are held. Already though the so-called "minor sports" are proving their skill, raking home medals ahead of the more anticipated athletics events.

Ferkas Dominates Electrum Unified Team

Blowout Win Keeps Ferkas Atop Group

(Aeropag) Ferkian football, or gridiron if you prefer, isn't holding back at all in Aeropag as the team advances to 2-0 in the group stage after todays smashing 47-0 defeat of the Electrum Unified Team. The team, which easily advanced through the pre-Olympic qualifiers before winning its first Olympic game in convincing 43-17 fashion, fired on all cylinders today in its blowout win.

Grant Herring continued to air the ball out deep, throwing for almost 400 yards in todays game, including 4 touchdown passes. While Dwayne Mitchellson brought in one of those the load was more evenly distributed today. Tight end Marcus Wainwright made a one handed catch and run to get a 7 yard touchdown, while wide receiver Sam Redman broke a tackle on a four yard crossing play to get another. Speedster Clement Clyde used an excellent break off the line to beat the coverage downfield when he hauled in an impressive 48 yard touchdown in the third quarter. Meanwhile running back James Kellington powered in another touchdown from the two yard line in a third down situation. Herring ran in another on a design play from ten yards out. Richard Gerland rounded out the offensive scoring with a 39 yard field goal early in the second quarter.

The defense put up two points of their own on with a third quarter safety, highlighting the consistent pressure placed on the opposing QB today. The defense recorded 6 sacks and three takeaways - two interceptions and a recovered forced fumble - which helped keep the ball in the hands of the offensive and stalled out opposing drives before they had any chance to put up a fight.

With another match remaining the Ferkian team seems like an almost certain bet to advance, being the only undefeated team in their group and having a stunning +73 point differential. Their next game is of course against The Greater Vakolicci Haven, who won out today against the Astyrian Unified Team in a 34-26 game.

Posted: **Tue Aug 09, 2016 7:58 am**

A Foreigner's Guide to Llanrhyddid
Canllaww Estroyyn d Llhanryddid

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Hello from Llanrhyddid! We are very excited to take part in our first sporting competition! In order to explain the nuances of Llanrhyddid, its history, its culture, and its sports, we at the SNL (Sefydliadd Newyddion Llanrhyddid) will be releasing a multi-part series to foreign media organizations describing the Ddeyrnass Cudd, or Hidden Queendom. A city-state hidden in the Mynyddoedd Iwerdd, the Llhanx are a proud, but welcoming people. We hope that you enjoy getting to know our beautiful nation.

A linguistic note. This series will be published in English, a language taught to all Llhanx school children and generally known throughout the multiverse. However, there may be some words in Llanx, the national language of the Llhanx people (a variant of Brythionic). These words will be translated to the best of our abilities. We apologize for any spelling and grammatical errors that result and beg patience as English is not our first language.

So, let us begin!

Education

Llanrhyddid prides itself on its education system. As denoted in the Cyffrayth Ddiwyg Addyysg of 2945, schooling is mandatory through age 13. Most children go to school through the age of 21 or 22, depending on birthday. Llhanx education is divided into five stages: ceyddsgol (preschool), ddsgol geynraydd (elementary school), ddsgol ganol (middle school), ddsgol uchaipf (high school), and preyddsgol (university/technical school).

Ceyddsgol is the equivalent of preschool and kindergarten. It lasts for three years, from ages 3 to 5. Children attend publicly-funded schools in their local education district. In ceyddsgol, children begin to learn the number system, Llhanx and English language, and how to function as members of society.

Children then graduate to ddsgol geynraydd, the equivalent of elementary school. Geynraydd lasts for four years, from ages 6 to 9. Children continue to attend publicly-funded schools in their local education district. In geynraydd, children continue to learn Llhanx and English, start learning mathematics, history, and science, and begin to learn foreign languages (children are expected to be proficient in Llhanx, English, and two other languages by the end of uchaipf).

Next up is ddsgol ganol, the equivalent of middle school. Ganol lasts for four years, from ages 10 to 13. Children continue to attend publicly-funded schools in their local education district. In ganol, classes begin to separate based on subject and skill, with advanced-track courses beginning and subject-specific classes starting. Upon completion of Ganol 4, children apply to uchaipfs, or occasionally, end their schooling.

Ddsgol uchaipf is the equivalent of upper school. At the end of ganol, children apply to uchaipfs based on their interests. Some children apply to math and science schools (peirynts), others apply to technology schools (cypfriaddurs), while others apply to art schools (cyldds) and humanities schools (clasuryols). Each school has a common core, and then a focus on whatever area the school focuses towards. This is meant to give students more time learning for a specific skill set, rather than a general, "liberal-arts" education.

The last step of education (for most) is preyddsgol. Preyddsgol is post-uchaipf education consisting of education at a university or at a technical school. About 40% of students go to technical schools. There, they learn skills necessary for work in fields such as agriculture, energy, construction, and manufacturing. Going to technical school is not looked down upon in Llhanx society as it is in other nations. The Llhanx educational system is all about finding the right fit for someone and a career that they value and enjoy. The other 60% of students go to universities. At universities, they choose from a variety of majors in order to further their career prospects. Famous universities include Llhanx University, Ghyfrayth University, and Lhengdye University. All preyddsgols are publicly-funded and attendance is free.

Beyond preyddsgol, a select few go on to post-graduate programs. These programs are generally reserved for prospective medical personnel, but the top young members of academic fields also go into doctoral programs. Many propsective politicians and bureaucrats attend law school after completing their required service commitment. The first business schools are beginning to open for up-and-comers in that field.

Careers in education are glorified in Llhanx society. The best and the brightest look to teaching as a way to give back to society, and many seek to fill their service requirement by working in schools. Teachers are ranked like in any civil service, starting from Junior Teachers to Teachers, through Assistant, Associate, and Full Professors, and up to Principals and Deans. Teaching is not an especially lucrative business, but job benefits are strong.

Education is taken very seriously in Llanrhyddid. Whenever you ask a Llhanx what they are most proud of about their nation, they will often say our educational system (and then proceed to say that in the other three languages they know). We are very proud of the spectacular work that our schools do!

In our next piece, we will explore the Llhanx military.

Until then, Carydd to all!

Ailis Frighil
Cyfarwyddwr, Sefydliadd Newyddion Llanrhyddid

Posted: **Tue Aug 09, 2016 8:05 am**

From the rolling news channel SuperBusiness.

"Hello, Ron. I think it's important to remember that the Olympics are a contest of individuals, not nations. That's been a theme of these Games in particular, from the Opening Ceremony on through."

"Yes."

"Well, there's fencer Khloe Wilkie, who won her first match in the fencing after a decisive 1 point penalty for a second yellow card to a clearly agitated Independent Olympic Athlete fencer, but lost her second against Brenda Morello of Cosumar; Hermione Bailey, whose Olympic experienced all of the 43 seconds it took Serbian judoka Gianna Armia to establish

; table tennis player Johanna Harlow, knocked out in her first round match in six sets; breaststroke swimmer Nevada Adkins, who finished last in her heat; and shooter Natalee Wallace, who failed to advance in the ever-popular sport. But it's my understanding they won't be headed home immediately, and will instead stay on to watch the women's gymnastics team final and cheer on the Federation team."

"Yes indeed, in a very strong field, and amid myriad accusations of doping using 10-, 93-minmaxin being thrown around some of the delegations on show, the Hannasean gymnasts put on a very creditable performance to qualify in third place for the final."

"Perhaps, Ron, but as I say it's a very strong field. They may have more luck in the individual finals: Regan Booner and Jenae Wilmer each took sixth place in the vault and balance beam qualifiers respectively, and have both made it through to the individual final. There was disappointment for national champion Jessika Hull, who on her 18th birthday said "happy birthday to the ground" midway through what was shaping up to be an impressive uneven bars performance, but she recovered in time to give a strong floor performance and help the team qualify: Wilmer led the entire field with a hugely encouraging tumbling effort that brought a standing ovation."

"Cicily Averill was a surprise qualifier in the single sculls, rowing not traditionally a strength of the Federation but she pulled hard to finish third in her heat and progress to the quarter-final. And the hockey team got off to a strong start, beating Estogium to take an early lead in Group A."

"Yes indeed, Mckenzie Willoughby twice and Delta Osborne once, with an open play goal from Amber Spence and captain Nikki Dunn turning in a penalty stroke. The team looked good and had recovered from their defeats coming into the tournament quite well."

"The gymnastics finals will be the big draw, and we'll continue to follow the hockey team. Perhaps the only other real hope is in tennis: Michele and Rachel received first round byes, but they'll soon start seeing some real competition and finding out what they have to do to compete on the international stage."

SuperSport

Posted: **Tue Aug 09, 2016 8:50 am**

Foreign affairs attaché of the Holy Emperor of the Uzekian Empire

Office of the Holy Emperor's Foreign Affairs
2, Golden Hill
BOMPOT
UZEKIA

DUNNES NATIONAL OLYMPIC COMMITTEE:

Our Olympic Delegation were kind enough to forward your threats to us. From now on you shall deal with us directly rather than attempting to intimidate our Olympic Delegation with threats concerning matters which they do not control. Indeed, should you have any complaints concerning the publishing of factual journalism in an Uzekian newspaper you should direct said issues to this office, considering we handle all non domestic communications.

After careful analysis, we concluded that you issue raised has no grounds. There is no proof that your athlete, Mr Able, has not partaken in illicit activities which led to his conquest of the gold medal in the men's 400m Freestyle in Aeropag. Furthermore, all newspapers in Uzekia are published under the authority of the Supreme Holy Emperor who is never wrong. Therefore, any criticism of the Emperor's newspaper is a criticism of the Emperor himself, a crime punishable by a long and painful death in Uzekia.

Please find attached the orders of the Emperor of the Uzekian Empire. Disregard for the orders shall result in the actions detailed bellow.

Kindest regards,

Kimlo Urktap
Foreign affairs attaché of the Holy Emperor of the Uzekian Empire

By order of the Holy Emperor of the Uzekian Empire,

Considering the harassment that you have shown towards our Olympic Delegation,

Considering your plain disregard for the truth,

Considering your indirect criticism of the Holy Emperor of the Uzekian Empire, the God upon this Earth and Prophet of All Truths,

Considering the rampant and widespread use of illicit means to gain an advantage in sporting competitions against Uzekians athletes,

THE UZEKIAN EMPEROR DEMANDS:

1. The Dunnes National Olympic Committee, the Swimming Dunnes Federation and Mr Able shall issue full and heartfelt apologies for the issues they raised against the newspaper of the Emperor and their indirect criticism of the Emperor himself;

2. Mr Able shall present his gold medal of the men's 400m Freestyle, obtained at the XI Olympiad to Mr Huntoon in person, along with an apology for wronging him, the Uzekian Empire and the Emperor himself due to his illicit activities;

3. The Dunnes National Olympic Committee shall not hold Uzekian athletes responsible should the Uzekian Delegation waterbomb their:
(a) staff and athletes,
(b) possessions,
(c) places of rest, training and competition;

4. The Dunnes National Olympic Committee shall issue a full and truthful statement regarding its abuse programs, apologise to the Uzekian athletes that it has wronged and withdraw from the XI Olympiad;

5. The Dunnes National Olympic Committee shall construct at its own expense a 100m gold statue of the Uzekian Emperor to be erected in the centre of Alta;

6. The failure to comply with all of the orders listed above within twenty-four hours shall result in:
(a) The Nation of Dunnes being declared an official Enemy of the State,
(b) All Dunnes citizens in Uzekia or to transit via Uzekia are to be held responsible for the actions of their nation and punished in accordance with the will of the Emperor,
(c) Uzekia's Olympic Delegation being authorised to use all force necessary (including water bombs, eggs and flour) against all members of the Dunnes Olympic Delegation, including their possessions and their families;

7. Glory to the Empire!

Posted: **Tue Aug 09, 2016 10:27 am**

New News

Kriegiersien NOC Head of Mission Vladimir Doping, whose middlename is, not known to many, Louis, was allegedly arrested at night, after storming out of his hotel room in his Olympic Pyjama, confessing in tears that he had murdered his parents, which he now believed hunted him as ghosts. Apparently he had checked his emails after waking up from a nightmare, finding a message from them. He later stated that he was joking and had drunk to much on his birthday party. We will keep you informed.

A few Kriegiersien athletes stated that they had talked to athletes who were defectors from the Free Republic. Leglaf Loverboy even sweared that one of the other Archers looked exactly like the one he had met at a tournament. The IOC and the Free Republics made it clear, that no Athletes of the Free Republics are in Aeropag or Paripana at all. All of the Athletes making these allegations were drug tested. "You can't just make such false pretences and do as you want with the good names of other athletes and nations". We will keep you informed.

After failing the first round in Boxing, Kriegiersien Flyweight Rudi Ratlos asked for the citizenship of Tobiasia. After seeing his fight record the Tobiasian authorities reportedly told him to sit down and draw a number. We will keep you informed.

The Kriegiersien Football players may be out, but some Kriegiersien Basketball players boasted on the Net that they could beat any of the Kernansquillec athletes in MMLU. After that, some of them got problems because they used pirated copies of that game on their computers. We will keep you informed.

Sport
From all gymnasts only Mantis was able to qualify for the Finals on the Floor. And that after a knee injury, she just recovered from short before the Games started.
3 from the 4 Table Tennis respectively Tennis without Table players made it to the next round. Beside this good performances the athletes in other sports continued with bad results, therefore remains a lack of medals for the Kriegiersien Sportsmen and Women.
As one of the reasons for the poor outcome the experts explained, that the athletes were distracted too much with having sex. They somehow got easy access to condoms that they had to "use up".

Posted: **Tue Aug 09, 2016 11:08 am**

Strong but Without Standouts, Female Gymnasts Struggle

Eight years ago the Vettreran Women's Gymnastics Team was on top of the world during Qualifying. The team placed first overall, and earned two spots in the Individual All-Around, as well as two more spots in the Individual All-Around (Meghan Young and Sylvia Plank on UB). This year, things will be different. After Qualifying, Vettrera ranks fourth on the TEAM leaderboard, though only 5 tenths of a point separate Vettrera from Eonstar (the first place team). This means that Vettrera still has strong odds to see themselves on the podium later. Beyond that, despite being 4th in Team Scores, Vettrera has the second highest average score of all competitors. This means that though Vettrera lacks superstar performers, they also basically have no dead weight dragging the team down. In fact, Holly Hart and Janicia Bismark (Vettrera's two lowest scorers) actually had Vettrera's two highest individual scores on specific apparatuses. Unfortunately as a result of lacking any breakout talent, Vettrera will only have one representative in the All Around. Beyond that, they will be the only team in the Top 8 to have no representatives in the Individual Finals.

Meghan Young, former Olympic Gymnast and current Olympic Team Spokesperson had this to say:

"I think that when I took the 3 bronze medals at the games eight years ago, and when Vettrera took the team medal, that set a huge expectation on us. When we had to miss international athletics for eight years because of domestic security issues, that left a lot of us in limbo. I don't think anyone was really thinking that Vettrera would be able to run away with the competition in any sport, but I do think everyone was hoping Vettrera would still be holding strong. And more or less I think Vettrera is doing that. Only Electrum and Taeshan have placed in the Team Final in all of the last 3 games. The Serbian Empire has been in the Top 8 for the last two. Vettrera's ability to return to the Olympics and still make the finals in this event proves that we are still relevant to the sport. The Olympic Squad is insanely consistent here, even if they lack a breakout star. They still have a chance to prove themselves in the Team Final, and Aliya Price still has a chance to prove herself in the Individual All Around. Vettrera is still on rocky ground with ALL sports. They made the Final 4 of the IBC, but didn't make it past basketball qualifying here, there's so many factors at play that it's hard to actual pass judgement on anyone here. I think Vettrera has a strong chance to medal, and I think they know what it takes to get there."

NationStates

Games of the XI Olympiad—roleplaying thread

VSA.vtr