Galacticos Index
Long Longlist
Who will be the next Adnan Szalai, Tájö Çíânflöné, or Kris Campbell? Who is better now than Simeone used to be? Was it better in the old days?
Boldsport Magazine, proud purveyor of shoddy sports journalism since about last April, brings you the fourth edition of the global phenomenon of the Boldsports Sports Writers Awards for the greatest football players in the universe: The Galacticos Index.
Flush with money from the media rights to the last World Cup, and seemingly upgrading their business plan - if not their... modest... offices at Bod's House in Argon Lane - the Boldsport commercial arm recently stunned the world by jumping into bed with the bigwigs of the UICA to sponsor the Youth Cup for the next seven - SEVEN - cycles; a remarkable increase in the multiversal profile of the imprint. Whatever next? Well, no doubt there will be more exciting announcements along the way. Oh and look, here's one now:
To celebrate the link with the UICA Youth Cup, Boldsport is to present a new prize within the Galacticos awards - along with senior and young player awards, the sportswriters of the magazine will scour the academies and training grounds of the multiverse (or get their mates to when they go on holiday) to unearth the most promising young starlets of the world with the Galactico Junior Award. The award looks set to inflate the transfer market in young players to new and more preposterous heights, which is great news for sellers, great news for the parents and financial advisers of these young heroes, bad news for buyers and no pressure at all, nonono, for the kids who are labelled the next Buschak Dassuna, Mickie Pichowski, Torianne Heroux, Jane Vander Rox, Bálint Sebes or Freddy Adu. Err - who?
Deciding to maximise the drama of the awards - because optics - the Galacticos Index will begin with a private soirée for some of the most renowned sports journalists from around the multiverse, who will be invited to join us for the announcement of the 'long' list, which will occur in a fortnight Bonesea time [OOC - tomorrow] at the famous Grand Polarian hotel on Herring Island just north of the capital, scene of an enormous bun fight two cycles ago that led to a ban on visiting national delegations.
The announcement of the 'long list' will be followed by a the Boldsport Youth Awards in a month [OOC - Monday] in which we will celebrate the newly-crowned Junior Galactico, for the under-19 age group, as well as release the short list for the Young Player of the Multiverse, for the under-21 age group. The Boldsport Youth Awards will take place at the headquarters of the Fellowship of The Greasy Churn - that's the Bonesea FA to you and me - and will be attended by journalists, top coaches linked to the youth game and probably a few scouts and agents too, along with the Junior Galactico nominees and their proud parents who will be joyfully counting the future moulah they imagine their progeny will earn them.
Finally, the full event, a free-for-all with anyone and everyone invited, and perhaps a special guest announcement to come, will run in seven weeks time by the Bonesea Symmetrical Calendar [OOC - Tuesday]; the event will be a highly drawn-out and over-the-top showbiz do where we will announce the short list for the player of the multiverse, the team of the multiverse, the winner of the young player of the multiverse, and finally, the Galacticos Index Player of The Multiverse, by which time you probably won't even care.
Just to whet everyone's appetite here is another announcement - of the 80-player longlong list, having preposterously scouted over 433 players (434) across the wide multiverse to find the best performers of the last UICA cycle, and deciding against publishing that superlong list because there are bound to be terrible errors of judgement on them. Like last time when we announced we were scouting a player from Cassandra City in Cosumar who turned out to be the one-legged stadium caretaker that had recently been disciplined for running a poker club in the laundry room. The credibility of the awards was rightly questioned by a number of senior leagues as a result. This time we hope to eliminate the non-footballers by having watched them all, and remain quietly confident that this longlong list is a complete list of the eighty-ish best-ish players in the whole wide multiverse. You will note all three previous winners of the award have made the longlong list again.
Players listed in order of nationality.
Hakki Ojala ANG A Real Azuris COS
Andrya Novkovic ANG/SCT AML/C Port Sebastian SCT
James Palmisano APX CM Spartangrad EUR
Imriel Townsend APX M Sabrefell Moths NPH
Bryton Menheniot APX DMC Cazadores Cathair AUD
Earl van den Brink AUD LCB Revolutionaries EUR
August Ozuna AUD GK Real Azuris COS
Craig Bordon AUD GK Cazadores Cathair AUD
Vergan Peña AUD DC Cazadores Cathair AUD
Julio Sokolov AUD CF Cazadores Cathair AUD
Yong Mendiolgaray AUD CF Cazadores Cathair AUD
Zlatan Natividad AUD CF Cazadores Cathair AUD
Lyman Colmenero AUD D CA Paulinthal PAS
Sander Balliol BRE AM Tanrısal PAS
Catherine Gryphon BRE DM Starling NPH
Gethin Quill BRE LB Revolutionaries EUR
JK Cottle BSE CB Handon United SCT
Andrew Arrowsword CEN A Real Azuris COS
Avi Renning CEN CM Lexington Victory NGD
Kel Koromin CEN CF Cornelians SCT
Keira Andisori CMT A Starling NPH
Sandra Sybill CMT M Real Azuris COS
Romikk Valgard COS ST Ulsa EUR
Kurt Wolff COS D Real Azuris COS
Mortimer Chisenhall COS D Real Azuris COS
Bryger Tidesson COS A Real Azuris COS
Bacary Na'Kale COS D Mâ Âlâmëómë FFD
Ragnar Targaryen COS ST CA Paulinthal PAS
Batmacumba DAI GK 1830 Cathair AUD
Cam Cross DRK ST Lexington Victory NGD
Emely Towers EFL D Tanrısal PAS
Breta Glibin EFL M CA Paulinthal PAS
Marshawn Mercury ESH LM Cornelians SCT
Scott Coles EUR RB Ulsa EUR
Frank Ainsworth EUR CB Ulsa EUR
Kris Campbell EUR ST Ulsa EUR
Bryan Butler EUR CB Spartangrad EUR
Oscar Coltrane EUR CM Sabrefell Athletic NPH
Robert Griffin EUR GK Sabrefell Moths NPH
Mârtín Básá FFD D Tanrısal PAS
Tájö Çíânflöné FFD ST Raynor City United VAL
Fôrté Wínrôuge FFD M Mâ Âlâmëómë FFD
Süns Söh FFD D Mâ Âlâmëómë FFD
Xíxì Êns FFD A Dí Maozöxê FFD
Eloisa Purinton GLX CF Port Sebastian SCT
Scheherazade Meier FFD M Sabrefell Moths NPH
Triffid Ramsey ISK LB Cornelians SCT
Daniel Dostalok MRC CF Handon United SCT
Solara Vol MRN A Sabrefell Moths NPH
Jason Rogue NGD CB Lexington Victory NGD
Adnan Szalai NPH RM Ulsa EUR
Estrella Hawke NPH A Starling NPH
Konrad Gosforth NPH M Mâ Âlâmëómë FFD
Natalie "Envy" Adams NSI/SCT CM Handon United SCT
Federico Serra OSR M Sabrefell Moths NPH
Aaliyah Johnson OSR A Sabrefell Moths NPH
Jörg Feierabend PAS AM CA Paulinthal PAS
Ondrej Cech QUE GK Turoki Tide VIL
Joon Ho Hwang QUE CB Port Sebastian SCT
Hazel van Robben QUE M/F 1832 Cathair AUD
Paul Doig SCT LB Port Sebastian SCT
Johannas Ünterhausen SCT CM Cornelians SCT
Demba Traore SEM ST Port Sebastian SCT
Christian Lovenkrands SEM AMR/C Handon United SCT
Adrian Lindberg SSL D Real Azuris COS
Nemanja Petrovic SZA GK Ulsa EUR
Branmir Milic SZA CM Ulsa EUR
Timi'sala Koarena TUR M Raynor City United VAL
Matlya Eelador TUR A Cednia Beach AFC TUR
Bram Couch USI GK Revolutionaries EUR
Ilglerdiriel Lithvathar VAL M Raynor City United VAL
Laborious Hawk VAL AMC AC Izotz Zubia AUD
Faeron Soldarion VAL DMC 1831 Cathair AUD
Cavuna Aquafek VIL F Turoki Tide VIL
Polaox Torerun VIL M Turoki Tide VIL
Jurzen Devmiko VIL M Cednia Beach AFC TUR
Frank Rozenthal VLD ST Revolutionaries EUR
Abel Brücke VLD AM CA Paulinthal PAS
Ulysses Bonaventura YTT CB Revolutionaries EUR
Galacticos Index
Longlist
Who will be the next Debbie Dallas, Tegan Nash, or Courtney Ferguson?
Boldsport Magazine welcomes a host of world class sports journalists and assorted hacks to the Royal Polarian Hotel on Herring Island, for the announcement of the long list of the Galacticos Index player of the multiverse awards. 434 scouted players were whittled down to 79 for the longlong list, and now, we skim off a healthy crop of 51 superstars who just aren't super enough for a final list of 28. Last cycle's greatest player Kris Campbell is still in the running but both Adnan Szalai and Tájö Çíânflöné, the first two winners of the prestigous - if controversial and oft disputed - award are on the wrong side of the cut this time around, and probably agree with the nay-sayers that it's all a bunch of meaningless claptrap from a bunch of inexperienced fly-be-night scrivenors who have barely left their desk, let alone gone out in the world and watched a game of football on a cold, wet Tuesday night in Torgos.
Well, you fine journalists here in the Timo suite of the Royal Polarian, under the watchful eye of the manager Olaf Bang and members of the Bonesea Constabulary, can debate the wheres and whyfors of the selection, and perhaps even write a post about it if you have any lead left in your pencils. Without further ado then, the long list for the Fourth Galacticos Index awards for the Boldsport Sports Writers Player of The Multiverse is as follows:
in order of player nationality
Imriel Townsend APX M Sabrefell Moths NPH
Earl van den Brink AUD LCB Revolutionaries EUR
Gethin Quill BRE LB Revolutionaries EUR
JK Cottle BSE CB Handon United SCT
Andrew Arrowsword CEN A Real Azuris COS
Kel Koromin CEN CF Cornelians SCT
Sandra Sybill CMT M Real Azuris COS
Romikk Valgard COS ST Ulsa EUR
Kurt Wolff COS D Real Azuris COS
Mortimer Chisenhall COS D Real Azuris COS
Bryger Tidesson COS A Real Azuris COS
Bacary Na'Kale COS D Mâ Âlâmëómë FFD
Ragnar Targaryen COS ST CA Paulinthal PAS
Cam Cross DRK ST Lexington Victory NGD
Marshawn Mercury ESH LM Cornelians SCT
Scott Coles EUR RB Ulsa EUR
Frank Ainsworth EUR CB Ulsa EUR
Oscar Coltrane EUR CM Sabrefell Athletic NPH
Kris Campbell EUR ST Ulsa EUR
Mârtín Básá FFD D Tanrısal PAS
Süns Söh FFD D Mâ Âlâmëómë FFD
Daniel Dostalok MRC CF Handon United SCT
Paul Doig SCT LB Port Sebastian SCT
Johannas Ünterhausen SCT CM Cornelians SCT
Ilglerdiriel Lithvathar VAL M Raynor City United VAL
Cavuna Aquafek VIL F Turoki Tide VIL
Polaox Torerun VIL M Turoki Tide VIL
Jurzen Devmiko VIL M Cednia Beach AFC TUR
Cosumarites, Eurans and Vilitans dominate the list although there is quite a spread overall and includes the finest from as far afield as Apox, Drawkland, and Mercedini: when you look at the club list of course, as you might expect, it is invariably the present-day giants of the UICA that have a monopoly over the stars of today. The rise and rise of Real Azuris and the almost untouchable dominance of the two Euran giants Revolutionaries and Ulsa top a list of pure footballing royalty in club terms. And Port Sebastian.
Join us at Goat's Bluff on Threemilestone Island, the home of the Fellowship of The Greasy Churn - that's the Bonesea FA to you and me - in a fortnight's time [OOC: tomorrow] for the Boldsport Youth Awards in which we will give the prize for the best junior player coming through the ranks of our multiversal academies, and announce the shortlist for the Galacticos Young Player of the Multiverse.
For all the journalists in the room who are not on the Jeremy Jaffacake Thirteen Step Plan, the bar is now open.
Galacticos Index
Junior Award
Izzy Worthette, Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, says:
Who will be the next Will Grizzly, Temi Temi Cram or Cleto Mata*?
Boldsport Magazine welcomes a host of world class coaches and assorted club officials to the headquarters of the Fellowship of The Greasy Churn - that's the Bonesea FA to you and me - at Goat's Bluff on Threemilestone, the former World Cup Island from WC'78. We welcome you here today for a new initiative in the Galacticos Index.
To celebrate the link with the UICA Youth Cup, Boldsport presents a new prize - along with senior and young player awards, the sportswriters of the magazine have scoured the academies and training grounds of the multiverse (or got their mates to when they were on holiday) to unearth the most promising young starlets of the world with the Galactico Junior Award. The award looks set to inflate the transfer market in young players to new and ever more preposterous heights, which is great news for sellers, great news for the parents and financial advisers of these young heroes, bad news for buyers and no pressure at all, nonono, for the kids who are labelled the next Buschak Dassuna, Mickie Pichowski, Torianne Heroux, Jane Vander Rox, Bálint Sebes or Freddy Adu. Err - who?
Alright, alright, I know I did that joke on Saturday. It's a good one, what can I say? Anyone wants to bite on that name list, meet me in the IDSD after.
Without further ado, please allow us to present the final shortlist of fifteen young men, women and other anthropods who may, in time, become the greatest fifteen players in the multiverse, for whom the likes of Ulsa, 1830 Cathair, Handon United and Alpolamets Pakhelemarkaa will pay a queen's ransom.
For many of you here this will be the first time you have ever heard of this lot, but believe me, it won't be the last.
In alphabetical order:
Jack Avelione SCT 17 AML/C Marionville (SCT; on loan from Bastion in Eura)
Ádám Berecz PAS 18 RW Baskita FC (PAS)
Keeva Crowe SCT 18 ST Port Sebastian (SCT)
Erik Földesy PAS 16 RW CA Paulinthal (PAS)
Tania Hummingbird BSE 17 DM Athletic St. Leah (BSE)
Bentley Loken BJK 18 ML Torpedo Spitney (BSE)
Ezequiel Marchiondo FFD 18 RB Lammerton (SCT)
Chimera Moxham NPH 17 AM AFC Treason (NPH)
Bitto Kazuki KHI 15 CB Project Olimpo (KHI)
Monako Saroszi NPH 18 RM Morningstar (NPH)
Tawny Shone NPH 17 CM Sabrefell Moths (NPH)
Réka Szôllôssi PAS 17 ST Stein-los Turkish (PAS)
Alfred Tidesson COS 18 CB Real Azuris (COS)
Birgid Tidesson COS 16 AM Real Azuris (COS)
Edith Tidesson COS 17 GK Real Azuris (COS)
Ezra Carp, Superagent, says:
That's an awful lot of young talent right there, allegedly the fifteen best players in the multiverse you've never heard of. And the Tidesson family grab a healthy 20% of the shortlist for themselves; Mr & Mrs Tidesson must be counting imaginary money like it's falling off trees right now. And who can blame them? How much would each of these be worth on today's market? Well, I've been studying recent transfer activity, and the Gelderfolk at Lexington Victory parted with a cool five mill for Ventura Bay's 16-year old Cenian centre midfielder Avi Renning. Meanwhile Schottic Isaiah Vaught, 18, went to Whitehaven Triumph in Ceni for six. Now these boys are good, don't get me wrong - but where are they on this list? I fancy any of these wonderkids now to be worth 50% more than the market high, so don't expect less than nine million spondula for any one of these.
Izzy Worthette, Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, says:
Well there's Ezra, talking up the market again. Now, before we proceed to the prizegiving, it is my pleasure to first announce the shortlist for the Young Player of The Multiverse. This is for the under-21 category of the main prize, and regular attendees of the Galacticos over the years will know this prize has been entirely dominated by Audioslavs, with Roddy Fraser, Rodger Mariezkurrena and Javi Esqueda taking the first three awards. And Javi might just do it again... the shortlist for the Young Player of The Multiverse award is as follows:In order of nationality:
Hakki Ojala ANG A 21 Real Azuris COS
Bryton Menheniot APX DMC 18 Cazadores Cathair AUD
Javi Esqueda AUD DRL 20 AC Izotz Zubia AUD
Bryger Tidesson COS A 19 Real Azuris COS
Rhys Griffiths EUR AM 20 Revolutionaries EUR
Jayden Fox EUR LB 19 Handon United SCT
Lüí Wçêíl FFD M 20 Mâ Âlâmëómë FFD
Louis Hordern SCT RB 20 Handon United SCT
Dilon Bànach SCT CM 20 Handon United SCT
And indeed Javi Esqueda will hope to take the title for a second season running, but he's got some stiff competition including a familiar name in there as the Tidesson family have yet more nominations to celebrate thanks to elder son Bryger. What a dynasty this lot are turning out to be. And there's more of them, so I'm told. Ezra, what do you make of this list?
Ezra Carp, Superagent, says:
Nine of the finest young footballers ever to grace the parks of the multiverse, I should say with no hint of overstatement, and when you think the young Bojik Artem Delacruz went to Gallian Telecom for an entirely preposterous twenty-five million groats - let's face it, he's a nice lad, handy for a twenty-year old, but he wouldn't be polishing the boots of these fellas - you have to think these will be fifty percent more again - you'll be looking at thirty-seven million and some change to sign any one of these, in my opinion. And before you shoot the messenger, I'm only telling you what the market dictates.
Izzy Worthette, Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, says:
Thank you Ezra, I knew I could rely on you for a bit of light-hearted fantasy. The prize for the young player of the multiverse will be awarded in three weeks [OOC: tomorrow] at the main Galactico Awards, so stay tuned for that.
But now, it is time to announce the winner of the Boldsport Galactico Junior Award for the finest youth player in the entirety of existence - no small claim - beginning with honourable mentions for the two best runners-up.
Kirtland Straw, Football commentator and mine of information, says:
The second-eldest of the five Tidesson siblings, Alfred looks the most likely to join Bryger in the first team of the #3 UICA club next season. Though a year younger, he's a bigger, stockier lad than Bryger and eventually found his true calling as an intimidator in central defense (despite stubbornly trying to match his brother in pace and skill for much of his youth) who has drawn on a fiercely competitive nature to battle well above his age groups.
Kirtland Straw, Football commentator and mine of information, says:
Tall, athletic, self-assured and two-footed, Moxham is set to be sent out on loan to Blau-Weiss Pallstadt to prove herself. Moxham's of the opinion that false modesty is the refuge of the mediocre - she knows she's good.
Ezra Carp, Superagent, says:
Well, look at these two - already set to become a brace of the finest footballers of their generation, if you want to sign these fine young juniors you're talking forty-five million clams - each - for two of the prodigies of our time. Good luck landing these though - I can't see Azuris or Treason parting with them for any money in the world - unless they've mistakenly put a release clause in their contracts (my PA is working on finding that out).
Izzy Worthette, Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, says:
And so to the first winner of the Boldsport Galactico Junior Award, please give a rousing hand to:
Kirtland Straw, Football commentator and mine of information, says:
A pacy striker with a calm demeanor that belies her age, affording her the patience needed to be a rotation playing for Turkish first team, Réka has impressed scouts from all over the world and you can practically see the Euran teams circling for her signature. Many predict the rise in a new generation of Pasargan power, and this young woman will undoubtedly be banging in the goals to achieve it. Watch out for her in World Cups 80, 81, and 82. At least.
Ezra Carp, Superagent, says:
Undoubtedly one of the pantheon of greats of the future - I'm talking Di Bradini, Belmore, Banda - maybe even the first three minutes of Val Kylx. That's what we are talking about here. So you can look at another twenty percent on the runners-up. You'll be forking out fifty-four million squid or more for this racehorse. And for my money, she'd be worth every penny. I'm off backstage right now to see if I can sign these fifteen thoroughbreds to my stable, wish me luck Izzy...
Izzy Worthette, Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, says:
Thank you to my guests Kirtland Straw and Ezra Carp with their interesting if probably unreliable insights into the world of future football. It only remains for me to congratulate the winner on an admirable rise to the top of the youth game, and to warn us all not to forget where we heard the name first. We will see you all back here in three weeks [OOC: tomorrow] for the presentation of the final awards for this cycle's Galacticos Index.
*like, who?
Galacticos Index
Shortlist
Izzy Worthette, Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, says:
Who will be the next John Spartan, Arturo Hudson-Blake or Magnus Svoboda?
Boldsport Magazine, proud purveyor of shoddy sports journalism since about last April, welcomes you to Goat's Bluff, the headquarters of the Fellowship of The Greasy Churn and the fourth cyclical presentation of the global phenomenon that is the Boldsport Sports Writers Awards for the greatest football players in the universe: The Galacticos Index.
And speaking of John Spartan, please welcome to the stage our special guest for the evening... it's only John Spartan!
(No cameras please)
John Spartan, Quite Good Footballer of Eura, says:
Thank you Izzy and the people of Boldsport Magazine for -
Izzy Worthette, Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, whispers:
{sorry John Spartan, could you say that in red please, that's part of our sponsorship package tonight}
John Spartan, Quite Good Footballer of Eura, says:
Thank you Izzy and the people of Boldsport Magazine for inviting me here tonight, it is my tremendous priviledge to be involved in this, um, prestigious event. And may I just say -
Izzy Worthette, Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, says:
Really, thank you John Spartan, for agreeing to come - you've definitely turned the classometer up a notch or two by your very presence in the room, and I'm delighted you'll be adding your considerable knowledge to our observations this evening, balancing the opinions of our regular guests Kirtland Straw and Ezra Carp with some actual facts and insider knowledge. But first some housekeeping. We will begin with presenting the short list for the Galacticos Index Boldsport Writer's Player of The Multiverse Award, comprising the seven finest footballers of the last season/year/cycle from around the eleven corners of the world(s); and this will be followed by what we are provisionally calling the John Spartan Team Of The Cycle - the best eleven players and a bunch of useful subs; we will then announce the winner of the Galacticos Young Player of the Cycle and finish of course with the big one, the Player of The Multiverse. It's a long night so let's get stuck straight in, to announce the shortlist for the main award. But first, a reminder of the long list, which we published six weeks ago:
in order of player nationality
Imriel Townsend APX M Sabrefell Moths NPH
Earl van den Brink AUD LCB Revolutionaries EUR
Gethin Quill BRE LB Revolutionaries EUR
JK Cottle BSE CB Handon United SCT
Andrew Arrowsword CEN A Real Azuris COS
Kel Koromin CEN CF Cornelians SCT
Sandra Sybill CMT M Real Azuris COS
Romikk Valgard COS ST Ulsa EUR
Kurt Wolff COS D Real Azuris COS
Mortimer Chisenhall COS D Real Azuris COS
Bryger Tidesson COS A Real Azuris COS
Bacary Na'Kale COS D Mâ Âlâmëómë FFD
Ragnar Targaryen COS ST CA Paulinthal PAS
Cam Cross DRK ST Lexington Victory NGD
Marshawn Mercury ESH LM Cornelians SCT
Scott Coles EUR RB Ulsa EUR
Frank Ainsworth EUR CB Ulsa EUR
Oscar Coltrane EUR CM Sabrefell Athletic NPH
Kris Campbell EUR ST Ulsa EUR
Mârtín Básá FFD D Tanrısal PAS
Süns Söh FFD D Mâ Âlâmëómë FFD
Daniel Dostalok MRC CF Handon United SCT
Paul Doig SCT LB Port Sebastian SCT
Johannas Ünterhausen SCT CM Cornelians SCT
Ilglerdiriel Lithvathar VAL M Raynor City United VAL
Cavuna Aquafek VIL F Turoki Tide VIL
Polaox Torerun VIL M Turoki Tide VIL
Jurzen Devmiko VIL M Cednia Beach AFC TUR
Ezra Carp, Superagent, says:
This would be the dream squad, wouldn't it? Just look at the quality here. There isn't a keeper in the shortlist this time though, so it would still need a bit of tweaking - Guayabaleni Abraham Terrazas (twice), Farfadillo Calegro Metz, Euro Jeffrey Douglas and Schotto Jeremy McNott have all made the long list in previous editions, but this year the keepers seem to have had a lean season, according to the panel. Now, I've been looking at the transfer market and I think you'd be paying top dollar for this bunch - around 25% above the high prices in the last window; the Taeshanis were flashing the cash again with Laketown Rangers - who? - spilling 45 million duckets for Ceni Quintrell Lidgely - I mean... - so by that measure, these folks will surely set you back a cool 56 million and a bit
Izzy Worthette, Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, says:
Whittling 434 players down to 79, slashing fifty one stars off to leave twenty-eight superstars, we now lose a further twenty-one players who would still surely grace any team in the UICA Champions Cup Knockout phase. But there can be only seven on a shortlist - approximately speaking - and our seven, chosen by the Boldsport Magazine staff writers, will be revealed shortly.
But first, let's move on to the fourth Boldsport Young Player of the Cycle, sponsored by NomNom world famous confectioners - because sometimes, sour sugar is good for you. With a number of young players competing right at the top of the sport already, this was a difficult and tightly-contested affair. First we should remind ourselves of the shortlist, which in due order is:
In order of nationality:
Hakki Ojala ANG A 21 Real Azuris COS
Bryton Menheniot APX DMC 18 Cazadores Cathair AUD
Javi Esqueda AUD DRL 20 AC Izotz Zubia AUD
Bryger Tidesson COS A 19 Real Azuris COS
Rhys Griffiths EUR AM 20 Revolutionaries EUR
Jayden Fox EUR LB 19 Handon United SCT
Lüí Wçêíl FFD M 20 Mâ Âlâmëómë FFD
Louis Hordern SCT RB 20 Handon United SCT
Dilon Bànach SCT CM 20 Handon United SCT
John Spartan, Quite Good Footballer of Eura, says:
Ah, there you go! Look at our fine lads about to take over the world...
Izzy Worthette, Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, says:
And the winner of a lifetimes’ supply of sugar toucans and chocolate toads is…
John Spartan, Quite Good Footballer of Eura, says:
Or not.
Kirtland Straw, Football commentator and mine of information, says:
Ever since he scored in the Champions' Cup at age 16 and started the Cygnus Cup Final at 17, people have been certain of Bryger's destined greatness. With his teenage years now behind him, Tidesson is now starting to fulfill that destiny. An everyday starter for the domestic champions last season, he put up 16 goals and 9 assists en route to HL Player Of The Year honors. Quite likely the first of many such awards. He has everything you want in a winger. He's fearless, creative, technically and physically gifted and puts in effort defensively (even if a tad thin still). The Tidesson train is taking off and , if it continues to accelerate at this rate, he might have be one of the world class superstars for the next decade.
Ezra Carp, Superagent, says:
I said you'd be looking at thirty-seven million honk for anyone on that young shortlist, but for this fella? Forget it - 25% again: Ulsa, Revolutionaries - if you're listening, (or anyone in Taeshan), get your extra wide cheque books out - this one has to be worth forty-six million scratch minimum.
Izzy Worthette, Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, says:
Moving quickly on before we get complaints from the Azuris about selling their team from under them, I would respectfully request the guests at the Esportivan Championships and Koana Islands tables to shut the fibula up a minute and let me get these blasted awards done without further interruption. Ahem.
Congratulations to Bryger Tidesson after a magnificent season, who breaks the stranglehold on this title held by Audioslavs for the last three seasons and joins the likes of Roddy Fraser and Javi Esqueda as 'legends of the future'.
Up next, the, err, John Spartan Team of The Cycle is as follows:
Substitutes: Gethin Quill, Sandra Sybill, Oscar Coltrane, Mârtin Básá, Paul Doig, Romill Valgard and Kel Koromin.
Ezra Carp, Superagent, says:
For that Galactico XI? We’d be talking astronomical prices, Izzy. Every one of those players is going to fetch a ridiculous fee - if some club is going to spend big, I’d want to be in there with my stable of players, for sure. Anyway, I think prices for the band of eleven would go something like 25% on the top dollar price; you’re looking 70 million readies minimum for any of these eleven, I’m sure of it. That's before they make the shortlist - then watch the prices rise...
Izzy Worthette, Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, says:
Moving now to the main prize, I am delighted to announce the shortlist for the Boldsport Sports Writers Awards for the greatest football players in the universe: The Galacticos Index final seven is as follows:
in alphabetical order
Cavuna Aquafek VIL F Turoki Tide VIL
Andrew Arrowsword CEN A Real Azuris COS
JK Cottle BSE CB Handon United SCT
Ragnar Targaryen COS ST CA Paulinthal PAS
Bryger Tidesson COS A Real Azuris COS
Polaox Torerun VIL M Turoki Tide VIL
Kurt Wolff COS D Real Azuris COS
Kirtland Straw, Football commentator and mine of information, says:
The locals will be delighted that for the first time a Bonesman has made the shortlist with our very own Jonas Keylime Cottle, JK, national team captain and Handon United talisman, in amongst a fine short list of greatness. Cosumarites dominate the list this time around with three of the seven, but the Euran individual domination looks over with Kris Campbell forced to hand over the crown to a new champion. Andrew Arrowsword makes an historic return, having found his way onto the very first shortlist at the tender age of 18.
John Spartan, Quite Good Footballer of Eura, says:
But... no Eurans? What kind of award ceremony is this?
Izzy Worthette, Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, says:
Yes but we've got you babe - which makes it kind of priceless...
Ezra Carp, Superagent, says:
Difficult to pick a winner from this fine stable and it will be difficult to separate them from their club stables too - inflation for these seven on the Galacticos Shortlist means we’ll be talking silly money here - 25% on the astronomical prices we were talking about before. Don’t expect to land any of these diamonds for less than 87 million nicker.”
It was at this point someone flicked a switch on the main fuse box and plunged Goat's Bluff into darkness. In the ensuing chaos, someone pickpocketed John Spartan and found an empty wallet with a card that had Izzy Worthette's private mobile number on it. There were several complaints of groping and grabbing and - get this - facelicking in the dark, with strong suspicions that the issues were principally originating from the SuLSu tAblE, while the Clovellans had a traumatic flashback and hid under their table wailing piteously.
One might consider all this a bad thing, but one might also enjoy the dramatic pause close to the climax of the narrative... we will find out tomorrow, won't we?
Galacticos Index
Final Announcements
After an interminable period of darkness and chaos when the electrics were shut off at Goat's Bluff, the show is finally up and running again, but many of the attendees have already got the monorail back to the city, having decided the drama is more overdone than a beef metaphor sandwich at the Poet's BBQ Shack in Pandeaemonium.
Izzy Worthette, Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, says:
Who will be the next James Tarpy, Jahirii Tai’Seri or William Silva Jerônimo?
Boldsport Magazine, proud purveyor of shoddy sports journalism since about last April, apologises for the technical issues here at Goat's Bluff, the headquarters of the Fellowship of The Greasy Churn, which has so far dogged the fourth cyclical presentation of the global phenomenon that is the Boldsport Sports Writers Awards for the greatest football players in the universe: The Galacticos Index.
I'd like to thank our special guest John Spartan, who unfortunately had to leave following the unplanned delay due to other commitments, but I bumped into him in the bathrooms not long ago under the emergency lighting and he assured me he had a wonderful time and will be back next cycle for more of the same.
Well, I see there are only a few of you left in the room while John Hapley and the Tomurans, having got bored of waiting, are being ejected as we speak for interrupting the glacial flow of the presentation night. Hush hush Micah Strob, let me finish! Now, where was I? Ah yes, the ultimate prize - the Galacticos Index Boldsport Sports Writer's Award for the Player of The Multiverse. Four hundred and thirty four scouted players became seventy-nine, fifty-one were rejected to become twenty-eight, who were wittled down to a short list of seven.
These are probably the seven best club players in the last UICA cycle, bar none. According to us, anyway. Let's remind ourselves of these awesome churners (age approximately correct for last UICA season):
Cavuna Aquafek (VIL)
Forward, TUROKI TIDE; age 29. Globe Cup winner; former World Cup winner.
Andrew Arrowsword (CEN)
Striker, REAL AZURIS; age about 22-ish. Cygnus Cup winner.
JK Cottle (BSE)
Centreback, HANDON UNITED; age approx 30-36. Former Independents Cup & Cup of Harmony winner.
Ragnar Targaryen (COS)
Striker, CA PAULINTHAL; age 26. He's quite good you know.
Bryger Tidesson (COS)
Right Attacking Midfielder, REAL AZURIS; age 20. Cygnus Cup winner; Young Player of the Multiverse.
Polaox Torerun (VIL)
Midfield, TUROKI TIDE; age 24. Globe Cup winner; former World Cup winner.
Kurt Wolff (COS)
Defender REAL AZURIS; age 23. Cygnus Cup winner; former Champions Cup winner.
Ezra Carp, Superagent, says:
As I said before the power cut,Difficult to pick a winner from this fine stable and it will be difficult to separate them from their club stables too - inflation for these seven on the Galacticos Shortlist means we’ll be talking silly money here - 25% on the astronomical prices we were talking about before. Don’t expect to land any of these diamonds for less than 87 million nicker.
I stand by that, despite someone trying to tap me up for our man JK Cottle during the dark interval - I think it was probably those Taeshani oil-barons, or possibly some oligarch from New Gelderland trying to steal a march on their rivals. Just can't trust 'em to do straight dealing the way us respectableyuman-traderschurning agents do.
Izzy Worthette, Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, says:
And so we come to the final presentation of the evening - the Boldsport Galactico Player of the Cycle, sponsored by legendary dealers in precious objects, The Nomarque Mint of Taxhavn, who are providing the winner of this prestigious award with the equally presitgious prize of NothingTM - for the man, woman or person of indeterminate gender who has everything.
It has been years since the last issue of the Nomarque Mint. And now, at last, they present their finest creation to date: Orbis Vacuume, the latest in a legendary line of Product No.1’s by the world famous Mint. 134.373924 millilitres of purest hard vacuum encased in a 3mm Adamant shell of 65.4mm diameter and an impossible 103.36% purity; nowhere in the entire multiverse will you find such extraordinary refinement, polished to a near frictionless 0.1255mu.
And, naturally, it is beautiful beyond any useful scale of measurement.
But there can be only one Supreme Galactico or player of the cycle (mainly because we could only afford one Orbis Vacuume) and finally we are at the point where we can reveal them. But first, there must be honourable mentions for the close runners-up. In third place…
Kirtland Straw, Football commentator and mine of information, says:
A fantastic result for the locals!
When veterans Ike Legge and Shilling Blue retired, JK – that would be Jonas Keylime, apparently – won the starting role and cemented his place as a core player in World Cup ‘77. Part of the powerhouse at the rebuilt Boldclub, JK earned his living in the water working as a diver his role is maintenance of the shallow-water foundations of the many sea turbine wind farms that power the national grid in Bonesea. But after the impressive Cup of Harmony final win over Schottia, he was snapped up by Handon United as one of the first Boney players to move abroad and become a full pro. After proving himself a quality squad player who emerged as one of the top international players in the ‘77 cycle, he progressed further to become the national captain, and despite threats to retire from the international game, has continued to command selection after finding a second youth abroad. At Handon United he is the captain of a top UICA side, proving himself a champion at club level.
Izzy Worthette, Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, says:
In second place, keeping club and country right at the peaks of world football…
Ezra Carp, Superagent, says:
These two have put another 25% on their value, you're moving into the more money than sense bracket here. I doubt anyone can afford it, but if the Taeshanis want to up the price per barrel of their domestic product they might have enough to outlay around 109 million doubloons each for these marquee signings. But do they want to play in the desert? It is a desert in Taeshan, isn't it?
Kirtland Straw, Football commentator and mine of information, says:
Not sure about that Ezra, I think you're geologically stereotyping there a bit.
Anyway, Polaox Torerun was a quick study under Aquafek's tutalage and the two became nearly inseparable on and off the pitch. While Aquafek tends toward the more attacking play, Torerun is a bit more of a playmaker and also spends some time on the wing. Both Aquafek and Torerun were members of the World Cup 77 winning squad for Vilita as well as the recent triumph for the Turoki Tide in the UICA Super Cup. Torerun led all midfielders in scoring during World Cup 78 Qualifying. Polaox started thair career at Venom Youth Academy, joined Tropicorp FC and earned promotion to Vilitan Declasse. Transferred to Turoki Tide AFC and won Stellar Division Title during Season 49 and Season 52. Torerun would establish themselves as an international star winning the 77th World Cup with the Vilita National Team and then cemented their legacy at the Turoki Tide winning back to back championships during Vilitan League 54 and 55. On the heels of the V-League 55 title the midfield duo of Torerun and Aquafek would be the engine that drove the Turoki Tide to the 66th UICA Globe Cup title.
Izzy Worthette, Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, says:
Well thanks both for some interesting and questionable insights there, if only John Spartan was still here to give us some actual facts, {call me, John Spartan, call me}.
Finally, ladies, gentlemen, persons of indeterminate gender, gender-irrelevant children (shouldn't you be in bed by now?) and anthropomorphic creatures of the more distant corners of the multiverse - the winner of the fourth Boldsport Galactico Player of the Cycle is:
Kirtland Straw, Football commentator and mine of information, says:
A fine fourth player of the multiverse, among the best I've ever had the joy to comment or commentate on.
Ragnar signed with CA Paulinthal at 17 as a top prospect out of Cosumar's most prestigious private youth residency academy. At 23, he finally broke through as a starter at CAP after six years of simmering development. And what a whirlwind year it was! Solidifying himself as part of a lethal attacking trio alongside Valladares international Abel Brücke, Ragnar helped propel CAP to the Copa de Campeones Final. This season, he was finally able to win the SuperLiga with Paulinthal, stepping up to lead the team with an insane 32 goals and Player Of The Year honors in Pasarga. The phenomenal season, combined with his chemistry with best friend Valgard, makes him a must-include for new Cosumar national manager Alexander Pearce. Targaryen is a proven commodity at the international level. He led the team in goals+assists back in World Cup 77 after all. He has the versatility, stellar first touch and passing ability.
Ezra Carp, Superagent, says:
From unknown wonderkid to superstar, the CAP striker is spearhead of one of the rising powers of UICA football, in the eyes of many observers. Expect Ragnar and CA Paulinthal to reach the very top of the game together, like football's very own symbiotic relationship. There is almost no point putting a price on this man's head, because I can't imagine a time when CAP are mad enough to sell him, or he's mad enough to leave. But if either party does want a get-out, call me, Ezra Carp, Superagent like it says on the auditorium projection, and I'll arrange best price for all - I'm talking ludicrous moolah here - another twenty five percent again on the more money than sense prices of the other two - 136 million bones. That's right. I said it.
.Izzy Worthette, Boldsport Editor-in-Chief, says:
You did indeed Ezra, and those still awake are laughing all the way to the bar right now - that won't happen unless Sonoma Center Panthers get taken over by a royal autocrat's airline and used as a marketing vehicle where they accumulate galacticos to show off to their royal cousins and rivals running neighbouring autocratic spendthrift states splashing preposterous amounts of oil-money that's going to dry up inside the next twenty years and cause a major breakdown of society and the bankrupting of insane desert states with no sustainable infrastructure beyond a lot of fancy glass buildings and a cowed population of poverty-striken immigrant slaves. But I digress.
Congratulations Ragnar! A worthy winner.
We’re all off to paint the town a modest shade of green. Any complaints about the final decisions should be directed to spamfolder@boldsport.oi