Benny Sanderson is sat in the office, pondering things. Probably nothing to do with football. More likely what’s wrong with his son, why has he seemingly vanished from the WGPC and where do birds go at night.
All of a sudden, his co-manager Tony Cueto rushed in.
TC: “Benny!”
BS: “What is it?”
TC: “Great news!”
BS: “Free donuts?”
TC: “What?”
BS: “Well… free donuts would be great news, right?”
TC: “For professional sports coaches? Probably not the best example to set.”
BS: “Yeah… but… free donuts…”
TC: “Look, it’s better than that. I’ve managed to find us some more players!”
BS: “Some more players?”
TC: “Yes.”
BS: “But why do we need them?”
TC: “Because we’re an island of less than then thousand nationals who are only just ranked in the top 100 teams in the world.”
BS: “But we have enough players to put on the pitch already.”
TC: “So do the Schiavone Cricket Team, but we wouldn’t want them to play for us.”
BS: “That’s a fair point. They are terrible footballers.”
TC: “Exactly. And these are all Schiavones living in different areas of the multiverse.”
BS: “Well, great! Where did you find them?”
TC: “Well, the lovely people at Project +90 got in touch. Remember when they used to have a team on the island?”
BS: “They were the ones without many fans at all, right?”
TC: “Well… kind of… well, the team moved, and some of the Schiavone players on the team graduated and are playing in various different locations. But they’re really good at keeping tabs on where these players go, and so they have put us in touch with them, and most of them are ready to join us.”
BS: “And are they good enough?”
TC: “Well, you know how you haven’t seen me for a couple of weeks?”
BS: “I haven’t?”
TC: “Well, no. I haven’t been here.”
BS: “You haven’t?”
TC: “No. I’ve been scouting the players to see if they’re good enough. Are you alright, my friend?”
BS: “Sorry, Tony. I’ve got a lot on my mind right now.”
TC: “As irrelevant as usual, no doubt.”
BS: “Well, actually, no. Family problems.”
TC: “Oh.”
BS: “But we can talk about that another time.”
TC: “You sure?”
BS: “Yeah. It’s OK.”
TC: “Well, as long as you insist.”
BS: “So are they good enough?”
TC: “Most are. One or two could do with a little more experience, but they’ve built us some decent players over there.”
BS: “World beaters?”
TC: “Maybe not quite that good. Yet. But there’s still potential. We just need to get them to bond with the rest of the squad.”
BS: “Shouldn’t be too hard, no?”
TC: “Why not?”
BS: “Well, last time around, we had 21 new players, and they managed a few wins. So a smattering of new faces should be a doddle in comparison.”
TC: “Well…”
BS: “And they are all from Schiavonia, so they know the culture. All we have to do is integrate them into our style of play.”
TC: “Which they will have played in as youngsters.”
BS: “Shouldn’t really be a problem, then, should there?”
TC: “Well, let’s see. We have got some friendly games to use for that before we go so San Jose Guayabal, right?”
BS: “Um…”
TC: “Are you telling me you haven’t organised one?”
BS: “Like I say, other things on my mind.”
TC: “You did say.”
BS: "Plus our usual pre-qualifying match is against our first qualifying opponents. We can’t really play them twice in a row, can we?”
TC: “I guess not.”
BS: “And I don’t really know who else would want to play us.”
TC: “Semarland?”
BS: “A bit late now, they’ve arranged a whole heap of games already.”
TC: “Vilita?”
BS: “Lost their phone number.”
TC: “Phone number? Could you not send an email?”
BS: “I don’t know…”
TC: “Are you on email?”
BS: “Of course I’m on email. You simply have to be these days.”
TC: “So why didn’t you?”
BS: “I didn’t have the address.”
TC: “Ah. Oh.”
BS: “So it looks like we’re just going headlong into SJG and playing them first again. As usual, only in a competitive game. As opposed to against their fringe players.”
TC: “I’ll see what I can do…”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Schiavone International Broadcasting Network studios, New Kingsbury
JJ: “I’m Jenny Jones…”
KS: “…and I’m Kevin Smith…”
JJ: “…and welcome to World Cup Sloths!”
KS: “We’re back!”
JJ: “We are! After skipping the AOCAF Championships due to us both falling ill simultaneously...”
KS: “That was very unfortunate."
JJ: Whatever they were feeding us at that hotel in Cedina clearly didn’t meat with the local hygiene standards.”
KS: “It’s not often people get ill together like that.”
JJ: “It is if they get food poisoning and a stomach bug to follow from eating the same thing.”
KS: “What… it is?”
JJ: “Yes, Kev. Anyway, the point is that we couldn’t attend any of Schiavonia’s matches, and SIBN couldn’t afford to send anyone else to the championships, so there were no broadcasts to look back on.”
KS: “Oh.”
JJ: “Anyway, we’re here today to preview Schiavonia’s chances in qualifying for World Cup 75, which are to be held in the COCANEFA area of Atlantian Oceania.”
KS: “Where’s that?”
JJ: “That’s where Schaivonia is, Kev. Well, the main hosts are Audioslavia and Krytenia, but we are offering the island up as a tourist destination for visitors.”
KS: “As opposed to the rest of the time, when we do exactly the same.”
JJ: “Well, more so. But we need to do it after Visit Schiavonia blew all of their money on a Grand Prix driver who hasn’t been seen for over a month.”
KS: “Yeah, that didn’t exactly raise their publicity in the way that they’d hoped, did it?”
JJ: “No. Anyway, we’re here to preview the qualifiers now that the draw has been made. And our first opponents will be our friends in San Jose Guayabal!”
KS: “A nation I know about!”
JJ: “A nation you’ve heard of, you mean?”
KS: “Same thing.”
JJ: "Not really, Kev. You make it sound as though you can reel off a long list of facts about the place.”
KS: “I can.”
JJ: “Really?”
KS: “We co-hosted Baptism of Fire 56 with them.”
JJ: “OK… what’s the highest mountain in San Jose Guayabal?”
KS: “Mount… er… Guayabal?”
JJ: “OK, so one fact is better than your usual standards. Anyway, since that tournament, the fortunes of the sides have gone in different directions. The Guayabalense have become regulars in the latter stages of the big tournaments - as well as hosts of the previous World Cup - whilst the Sloths forgot to enter for three cups and had to start from scratch. Again.”
KS: “Did we play them?”
JJ: “Yes, we did! The Sloths’ first international for 15 years was against them - a friendly before qualifying last time around. Of course, the Guayabalense played a young line up which easily overcame our team.”
KS: “But we’re better than we were back then. Much better.”
JJ: “Not that much better, though, right?”
KS: “Well, I’m not liking this pessimism, Jenny.”
JJ: “Kev… I’m not even going to ask you for a prediction because I know what you’re going to say.”
KS: “You do.”
JJ: “We’ll spring a shock on an unsuspecting opponent first up, then have built up enough momentum to take them down in the return game with home advantage.”
KS: “You think the same as I do? I was not expecting that…”
JJ: “What? No! That was my prediction of your opinion, not my actual thoughts on…”
KS: “You heard it here on World Cup Sloths first, everyone!”
JJ: “Well, let’s move on. Our second Group * opponents will be The Urain.”
KS: “The Who-rain?”
JJ: “Well, far be it from me to be so disrespectful, but that’s the line of thinking a lot of people will have.”
KS: “So… who are they?”
JJ: “They’re a team who scored no points whatsoever at the most recent Baptism of Fire, finishing their three games with a goal difference of -7, with only one nation posting a worse overall record.”
KS: “So we’re not expecting much from them here.”
JJ: “It’s a step up in class, so you wouldn’t expect them to do much. Anything other than two Schiavone victories might be seen as a disappointing outcome.”
KS: “We’ll tonk ‘em!”
JJ: “Well, I don’t know about that. Every game has its own challenges. But we are definitely favourites for those encounters, just as we are against our next opponent, Migli.”
KS: “Who-gli?”
JJ: “Yeah, that doesn’t quite work in the same way, does it?”
KS: “Why not? I don’t know them, either.”
JJ: “True, they are almost as obscure as The Urian…”
KS: “So it works, then?”
JJ: “Yes… no… but Who-rian rhymes with Urian.”
KS: “No it doesn’t.”
JJ: “Yes it does. Did you not just here me say it?”
KS: “Who-rian… Uh-rian. Who and Uh don’t rhyme.”
JJ: “Is it not pronounced Yew-rian?”
KS: “Is it?”
JJ: “I don’t know. Just like lots of people around the multiverse don’t know if it is Schiavonia or Schiavonia.”
KS: “True. I have heard both being said.”
JJ: “Exactly. Not that we mind either way.”
KS: “No, we don’t.”
JJ: “Anyway, the point is that Who-rian and Urian could rhyme if you look at them in a certain way. But Who-gli doesn’t sound anything like Migli.”
KS: “Nor does it sound like ‘ugly’.”
JJ: “Er… yes… anyway, do you what to hear a little about them?”
KS: “Yes please!”
JJ: “Well, they won one game at the Baptism of Fire.”
KS: “That’s not bad. Who did they beat?”
JJ: “You’re asking me like you’d have heard of anyone from the Baptism of Fire.”
KS: “OK. Try me.”
JJ: “They won four-two against The Urian.”
KS: "The Who-rian?”
JJ: “Are we going through this again?”
KS: “Sorry. But I have heard of them, to be fair.”
JJ: “Only because we discussed them a couple of minutes ago.”
KS: “Well, yes…”
JJ: “You didn’t know about them before that, did you?”
KS: “I didn’t.”
JJ: “Anyway, my point is that it may prove a bit too much of a step up for them, too. And while I hold out more hope for Migli than I do for The Urian, that’s like saying that there is more water in a desert than a vacuum.”
KS: “Why would you put water into a vacuum cleaner?”
JJ: “Not a vacuum cleaner, Kev. A vacuum.”
KS: “So is that a floor?”
JJ: “Sorry?”
KS: “Well, I always thought that a vacuum cleaner is something you clean vacuums with. And as you use it to clean your floor, then surely the floor is a vacuum.”
JJ: “I should probably try using analogies which you might have a basic grasp of.”
KS: “Using what?”
JJ: “OK, let’s not waste time on this any further. The point is that the Sloths will be expected to beat them.”
KS: “So you have us beating all of our opponents so far!”
JJ: “That’s not what I said! I said that…”
KS: “Who do we play on Matchday Four, Jenny? I bet you think we’ll get three points from them, too?”
JJ: “Actually, no.”
KS: “What do you mean, no.”
JJ: “There is absolutely no chance of us winning any points on that day.”
KS: “What? Why not? I’ll be the judge of that. Who are we up against?”
JJ: “It’s bye day, Kev.”
KS: “Who are they? Never heard of them. We’ll win easily!”
JJ: “They’re not a team, Kev. It’s bye day. The day on which we have a bye. We don’t play a qualifying match on that day.”
KS: “Ah. Oh. So no game, then.”
JJ; “We might have a game. I expect that Benny Sanderson will try and find an opponent for us to play who are also not playing a competitive match that day.”
KS: “Like he has done for our build up to the qualifiers?”
JJ: “Let’s not dwell on that. I’m sure the boys at the SFF will sort something out for us.”
KS: “Yeah, right. Surely it’s too late now.”
JJ: “Well, let’s not worry about it too much. I trust them.”
KS: “You trust a management team who didn’t sign us up for three cups in a row.”
JJ: “Can we move on? We’ve still got three opponents to preview.”
KS: “By all means.”
JJ: “Right then.”
KS: “It’s just a shame that there’s no pre-qualifying opponents.”
JJ: “There will be!”
KS: “I’ll believe that when I see it.”
JJ: “Anyway, our fourth opponents in qualifying, on the fifth matchday, will be HUElavia.”
KS: “Who-lavia?”
JJ: “Kev. This is getting silly now. They’re not a bad team, although they didn’t perform as well as the Sloths last time out, collecting just seven points in qualifying and two at the Cup of Harmony. But, just like us, they’ll be looking to build on a steady start.”
KS: “So they’re not as good as us, either.”
JJ: “They’re not ranked as such, but they have the potential to give us much closer games than our previous two opponents.”
KS: “Do you think we will beat them, too?”
JJ: “At the KFS, we are probably favourites to, but…”
KS: “That’s a yes. You have us for eight wins out of eight, just like I do. Next…”
JJ: “I don’t have that…”
KS: “We’re short on time, Jenny.:
JJ: “Well, our next opponents are Boring Paradise.”
KS: “How boring is it?”
JJ: “Well, I’ve never been, so I don’t know. From the pictures, it looks like Schiavonia, but bigger.”
KS: "Can’t be that boring, then.”
JJ: “Well, let’s see.”
KS: “What about their football?”
JJ: “Well, they’re one of these teams who seem to have found a level and play to it. That level being an average of just over one-and-a-half points per game in qualifying from their previous three attempts, and just one unfruitful Cup of Harmony appearance.”
KS: “So they’re pretty average, then.”
JJ: “I guess you could say they have become a bit… well, boring.”
KS: “There for the taking, then?”
JJ: “You would say that, but…”
KS: “So I’ll put you down for a couple of Schiavone wins.”
JJ: “I’d say we’ll give them a good game at the KFS, the away trip will be a struggle, though.”
KS: “A struggle to a win though. So that’s ten out of ten. Who are our last opponents?”
JJ: “Well, we’re back at Baptism of Fire 56 again.”
KS: “We’re playing SJG again?”
JJ: “No, we’re playing a team who entered that as their first tournament. And, despite the early promise, they didn’t really live up to their potential. Since then, though, they’ve gone from strength to strength, and finally qualified for their first World Cup Finals last time around.”
KS: “Well done to them! Who are they, though?”
JJ: "They are Omerica.”
KS: “Who-meri…”
JJ: “Leave it, Kev.”
KS: “Sorry. I just don’t remember them from the Baptism of Fire we hosted.”
JJ: “Well, that’s because they weren’t known as Omerica back then. They were called The Saint James Islands.”
KS: “I don’t remember them, either.”
JJ: “Do you remember anything from the tournament?”
KS: “Was that the one where someone brought a gun to a match?”
JJ: “Er… no.”
KS: “Oh. Well. Um…”
JJ: “Never mind. The point is that this is an opponent on the rise, and will be looking to push on with a second successive qualification this time around.”
KS: “A good team, then.”
JJ: “Yes they are. A team who appear to have far too much quality throughout the team for this young Sloths side. And before you can say that you think we can beat them…”
KS: “What was that? Sorry, I zoned out for a moment, there. You said we can beat them, right?”
JJ: “I…”
KS: “So that’s twelve out of twelve! Jenny agrees with me! We’re going to the World Cup! If even she says we’re going to do it, then we’re going to do it!”
JJ: “Kev…”
KS: “Super Sloths! Oh, we’re going to win the World Cup…”
JJ: "Kev, please…”
KS: “I can get carried away, right?”
JJ: “We’ve breaking news, Kev.”
KS: “What? We have…”
JJ: “Yes. First of all, my prediction for Schavonia’s qualifying record is 5-3-4, not 12-0-0 like yours.”
KS: “Not news. Can I start singing now?”
JJ: “And we have an announcement that Schiavonia will be travelling to Acronius for their warm-up friendly this time around.”
KS: “Interesting stuff. We’ll win that, too.”
JJ: “No, we won’t. We’ll be using it as a tester to field some of the new squad members which Tony Cueto has found - that’s why they felt they needed this game.”
KS: “Ah. Ok. So, which would you prefer - Krytenia or Audioslavia? I mean, I’ve been to Audioslavia plenty of times before as it isn’t that far away, but I’ve been to Krytenia with you already when we went to find Randy Dalton, so…”
JJ: “Kev, I think we’ll probably finish third or fourth, with the top two running away with it. That wouldn’t be a qualifying spot.”
KS: “We’re going to Krytenia and Audioslavia, OK?”
JJ: “We’re not. If we end up in either nation over the coming months and years, then I’ll give you a year’s supply of donuts.”
KS: “Deal!”
JJ: “Deal. Right then, that’s all from us here tonight. From Kev and myself, we’ll be back with you soon. Goodnight!”
KS: “Goodnight!”
