cont. from here, fwiw...Matchday Thirty-Three… It takes a big weekend to leave the capital city derby in the shade, though as it turned out it was a pretty major occasion – with Fabio Mannasuch masterminding a 2-1 away victory for Turkish, bringing the Millerman Sheppard Stadium’s career to a sad close, as far as the Scorpions supporters were concerned, anyway. The Millermen themselves also had a long spell at the MSS, lest we forget, and could afford to be a wee bit emotional as well – but, when all’s said and done, it were a ghastly little hovel and we can only be thankful for its imminent demolition in favour of a supermarket an–
Eh? It’s being downsized and used as part of Albrecht FC’s vast training complex, as well as being part-leased to the CAMAFA for some reason,
and slated to host home matches for the AFC Songstress FC Scorpions Football MSS, or whatever their ‘new’ feeder club is supposed to be called from next season? We might as well all be dead, then.
The victory for Mannasuch’s girls and boys saw them close the gap on the soon-to-be-deposed champions to just two points, with Caires Sports a further point back. The race for the TQCC places will still be alive and kicking on the final day, then, though Tenderville United can smugly consider themselves out of it. Their own comeback victory against Gamboa saw them leapfrog the Scorpions into third. God, I hate them so.
To Sloane next, where the ten thousand yokels at Fairmile Road were listening as intently to the scores coming in from Harper Street and the Army Ground as they were watching their own match, or would have done if radio had reached Sloane Island along with motor cars and modern sanitation. As it was, they resolved to simply jump up and down for ninety minute – knowing that, if they did end up going down, they could very well end up taking their venerable wooden box with ‘em to the darkest pits of hell. Very much an all-or-nothing people, yer Sloanians.
It was, after all, their biggest game of the season – the Outlien derby against Green Island. With Edmund Bingley, Justin Aldren and Lloyd Carpenter all GIZ products, the Wanderers had plenty to prove.
They were duly behind after barely twenty minutes, with stand-in full-back George Heybourne exchanging places with va Drake and finding Tom Osborne, who controlled it with all the confidence of a man a matter of days away from winning his first league title and slotted home with his less-favoured left as Bingley and Smit parted like the red sea. Plainly, this was going to be a walk in the park – with the knowledge that MarquezOW were already two goals to the good against KT Hotspur doing nothing to dampen the enthusiasm of the travelling supporters. They may not have been great in number throughout the past year or so, and Fairmile Road itself doesn’t cater for a particularly significant away section, but those that had made the trip certainly made a hell of a lot of noise.
And so too, it steadily became apparent, did the Sloane supporters. With the Indies and CandelariaAM both ahead in their respective fixtures, the Wanderers were clearly on their way out – but the chance to see a fellow Outlien side get one over on the rest of the Candelarias was too good not to celebrate. Truly, this was the archetypical friendly derby.
Well… for a
bit. For late in the second half we were treated to a truly sublime charge from Justin Aldren, a man brought up by Vanorians – in a footballing sense, obviously, they didn’t steal him from his cot – and for a few brief moments displaying all the signs that had once made him a highly-rated talent. The equaliser almost quietened the crowd, before they came to their senses and began taunting the hundred or so Green Islanders present anew. They really couldn’t lose… apart from being relegated an’ all, obviously.
In the second half, events took a turn for the sillier. With Samuka Szatmári exiting injured on the forty-sixth minute, Reuben Kennedy chucked on holding midfielder Samuel Sanders and prepared to shut up shop for the afternoon. Apparently he forgot to inform his team, however, who proceeded to take advantage of the only glaring mistake any of us can remember Ladordren Dorack making all season to go two-one up. In desperation Green Island pushed forward for an equalising of their own, before Zachary Loftus spotted Darren Bryson off his line and shot from somewhere just short of the halfway line. Three-one. Well
that wasn’t supposed to happen.
It goes without saying that the GIZ pulled one back, given their affection for late goals, but it ultimately served to help their goal difference remain just ahead of MarquezOW’s, and nothing more. Once again, the title has slipped out of their grasp – and they now rely on Caires City to take at least a point off the naranja on the final day. Um… would that be the Caires City managed by former Green Island coach Hane Davies? Aye, thought so…
And so, a morgue it was – for the Wanderers’ victory was indeed not enough to keep them up, after the Indies and Caires Sports shared a point. The key match at the bottom was in Clotaire meanwhile, with William Alvis scoring a scorching winner for CandelariaAM inside injury time to leave the final weekend a three-way tussle between the three Candelarian clubs to avoid the drop. Radyukevich are home and dry after a thumping victory in Arrigo, and can now sit back and cheer on the Marbles’ bid to relegate Port of Clotaire…
As for Cathedral City, they left after an eight-season spell in the top-flight with barely a whimper, in a two-nil defeat in Bove. The inevitable immediately followed – each and every player in the squad aged over twenty-one were put on the transfer list, with Ad’ihan internationals Danny Evans and Francis Doyle certain to be snapped up by UILC sides in a matter of days. Nicole Delara will make a handy new addition for someone, Jatobá can probably still do a job in this division (can we hear Gamboa calling, perchance?), Seb Ferreira was once considered a Big Blues centre-half in-waiting for a reason, Ilga NorthWalker has shown glimpses here and there… Basically, they should never have gone down, and both Torrealba and Da Silva should hang their heads in shame, and it’s a really sad day for Candelariasian football, an–
Yeah okay, so over it now.
AFC MN Smith 2-0 Cathedral City (Lewis 62, Harrison 89)
Albrecht Independent FC 1-1 Caires Sports (Rogers 19; Sinjinir 87)
Albrecht FC 1-2 Albrecht Turkish (Kim 42; Innisvale 1, Rotherwell 57)
Arrigo Portuguese 0-3 Radyukevich CSC (O’Leary 15, Adekunde 19, Clayton 56)
Caires City 4-1 El din Marbles (Palmer og 6, J. Marshall 24, González 34, Perry 90; Sánchez 5)
Marquez-Onwere 2-0 KT Hotspur (Oliveira Tavares 5, Souto Maior 11)
Port of Clotaire 1-2 Candelaria-Allemali (Ham 60; Kim M. 27, Alvis 90+1)
Sloane Wanderers 3-2 Green Island (Aldren 40, Prideaux 55, Loftus 61; Osborne 21, Anwamanë 81)
Tenderville United 2-1 Gamboa FC (Martinez 53, Deleks 82; Potter 3)
International Update… ‘spose we ought to be sticking this in here, so… Er. The update is; the Spur got done by more ghastly Septentrionionionions, MarquezOW put six past Deddick, which is… nice, for them, and, um… yeah. That’s about it. Bring on the group stages, for God’s sake.
Matchday Thirty-Four… Ahh, the final Saturday afternoon. Is there a finer day in the Candelariasian sporting calendar than this? With the title and final relegation spot up for grabs, not to mention all the ICC places (assuming we get the same number as last time, and Caires Sports don’t go on and win the Champions’ Cup, and other deeply annoying stuff like that), it should be really rather enjoyable.
‘Tis a sad day, in other ways, for this is my final matchday report. After many years chewing it over, I’ve decided to listen to my calling and take up missionary work in the south pacific. It’ll be a wrench, but remember that Jesus loves you.
He’s the Marquezian bloke who’ll be doing the daily updates during XXXV.
Any road up, here’s the stats where they stood.
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Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Marquez-Onwere 33 21 6 6 67 38 29 69
2 Green Island 33 21 5 7 70 39 31 68
Up top, MarquezOW would take the title with a victory at Caires City. Otherwise, the GIZ needed to go one better than the naranja, with a point at home to CandelariaAM and a MarquezOW defeat enough to hand them a first title of the international era on goal difference.
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Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
4 Albrecht FC 33 16 9 8 65 37 28 57
5 Albrecht Turkish 33 15 10 8 50 35 15 55
6 Caires Sports 33 14 12 7 40 29 11 54
7 KT Hotspur 33 13 12 8 42 34 8 51
8 Caires City 33 14 8 11 64 50 14 50
The Scorpions and Tenderville would be battling it out for third, but the more important concerns saw Albrecht aiming to out-point Turkish and keep in the TQCC qualifying top three. Fourth, quite blatantly, is a major lottery – one which Turkish would be keen to avoid, but they also need the points at Arrigo to hold off Caires Sports, at home to relegated Catedral. KT Hotspur and City both have Globe Cup places in the bag once more, but were competing to skip a preliminary round or two by their league placings.
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Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
14 Port of Clotaire 33 9 6 18 29 54 -25 33
15 Albrecht Independent FC 33 8 8 17 41 60 -19 32
16 Candelaria-Allemali 33 6 12 15 35 56 -21 30
All eyes really were on Zapata, with CandelariaAM needing an unlikely victory to avoid succumbing to the drop. The Indies, for their part, hosted Albrecht FC – while PoC could potentially have been drawn into the fight with a defeat at home to the ravaged squad of the El din Marbles.
Off we trot, then.
Minute 1 ~ Ahh, nothing like a first-minute goal to get the pulses racing (it’s an unusual sport, played predominately in the north-east of Marquez on slopes conducive to accurate rolling, with the runner bean understandably considered the layman’s choice, though in recent years the establishment of one of the island’s more atypical ethnic communities has see–
Minute 2 ~ Sorry, yes, goal. Josh Belmore, indeed, the little fella who’s never going to be quite as good as we’d all once hoped but can certainly be relied upon to make it into double figures every season, even for an anti-football side like Caires Sports. And has done. He’s scored ten. On this occasion it came from the most un-Knights move you could expect to find, with Ahadris Kolukernin clearing long from Jatobá’s hit-and-hope, signmesignmesignme effort, with the ever-youthful Robbie Sinjinir knocking on for his ickle chum. The Catedral defence, it goes without saying, wasn’t present for the occasion.
Minute 3 ~ Yeah, alright, not ‘anti-football’ per se, but… Oh, there’ll be letters…
Minute 4 ~ Interesting… if you’re remotely interested in whether Tenderville can secure two places on the XXXIV row on the wiki, having made the cup final an’ all, and now going for a truly historic and completely implausible third place… Er, they’re behind. Erik Kjaer’s still got it, when he wants it, and did to Makkis Savvidis what Macario Oliveira Tavares couldn’t come close to, a week or two back. Nice one, you old bugger.
Minute 5 ~ Kim Zetaback, who surely won’t be able to stomach another season for the Harpies and should, if she’s got any sense, make way for a random Sortherner and go back home, hits a dipping volley past Bartolomeu to make Port of Clotaire all but safe. That’s nice for them. One day, they might even trouble the top half again.
Minute 7 ~ Aaaand one for Ham Hyi-san, and the PoC are running over the Marbles here. Panadero, it should be mentioned, isn’t even in the Marbles dugout, with Evan Laurie enjoying, after a fashion, an extremely brief caretaker spell before big Abby Soro gets the nod next term.
Minute 17 ~ Some random Pasargian pulls one back for the Marbles… Can we have some goals elsewhere, please?
Minute 18 ~ Cheers. Francis Doyle with the Catedral equaliser. I was just about to point out that the Knights were ahead of Turkish and into the fourth TQCC spot at the moment… but now they’re not, ‘cos of that. Back where we started, nothing to see here, move along…
Minute 20 ~
GOOOOAAAAAAL!! First really big one of the afternoon, and it comes for the GIZ’s Tom Osborne, with Thingy Durosa easily outwitting CandelariaAM stand-in centre-half Dean Jackson to tee up Green native Osborne’s tap-in through the meaty thighs of Marra Riverfarer!
Minute 21 ~ And what
that means, of course, is that Green Island inch a point ahead of MarquezOW and have one hand on the trophy.
Minute 22 ~ To be fair, for the sake of accuracy, they would have anyway – the CMSC trophy itself is waiting in Marlow Park rather than the McNeil Bingo Arena, with the lifty-paradey thing expected to happen at the Escalera Naranja next week, in the event that MarquezOW turn this one around.
Minute 25 ~ Which isn’t overly likely, by the current looks of things, with Salvador González and Lawrence Amey – the outward-bound Lawrence Amey, if the tattlepress are to be believed – going the closest in the all-important clash oop north so far.
Minute 26 ~ Good good finish from big Lacerda. On the goal-scoring front he’s been comfortably overshadowed by fellow Cafundelense Jorge Roberto for Gamboa, but there’s few better in this division right now at holding the ball up and bringing his team-mates into play. And if
Samual Fortal can’t handle him, he
must be good.
Minute 28 ~ Must… resist… temptation to do… Postman… song… Eh? He’s off at the Oxen Cup, and it were young Carter Lockyer who scored for MN Smith against the Wanderers instead? Superb!
Minute 31 ~ Eeek, Pappas goes mighty close for the naranja, but Russ Becker just bats in clear. The City goalie’s had a pretty dire season, all things considered, though the Errant Knights’ rather unimpressive defensive record isn’t entirely his fault… It’s clear, for one thing, that Tuomas Hindenburg desperately needs a new partner, as
oooh… Dennin goes close this time… All they need is one goal, and the title’s back in their pocket.
Minute 33 ~ A comparatively rare goal for Wanderley, and you certainly have to wonder whether the new Albrecht FC boss, whoever he may be, is going to stand by the Cafundelense or find a shiny new partner for Kim. Even if he, or she, doesn’t end up looking outside his, or her, squad, Simon Chinn must surely be well overdue a chance up front.
Minute 38 ~ Not so good news for the Scorpions, who lose Fred Foster to an ankle… thing, but getting the three points they need at the Army Ground to move up to third shouldn’t be a problem still.
Minute 40 ~ Or… maybe not. Drunn Deleks, who really is just having an insanely good Clausura, sticks an equaliser past Cafundéu-bound Christian Fernández Montes (oh, and to think he was almost off to the Sargossan league a few weeks ago, ho ho ho) despite the keeper’s fine lunge. Albrecht still have it on goal difference as it stands.
Minute 44 ~
Gowwwwwlll…. for Green Island, Lúthien Anwamanë with an odiously simple finish after a fine moment of work from guess-who (yes, that’s right, Pasargian midfielder Gerson Illés), and the Shining Sons simply don’t look like they’ve got anything left in the tank. This one’s won, but all eyes are on Caires.
Minute 45 ~ Second goal for Gamboa, second for Lacerda… and that puts them
back in front, actually, since I missed Fortal’s equaliser a few minutes ago. Terribly sorry, old bean.
Minute 45 and a bit ~
Gooooooool for William Lacamoire, astonishingly enough, completely embarrassing Courtney Poole (seriously, women in football, when are we going to learn?) and putting Portuguese one up against Turkish. Bit of a calculator job, this, but it leaves Turkish in fifth on goal difference, and a Caires Sports winner in El din could well put them outside the TQCC once again. Fabio Mannasuch does
not look a happy bunny. One wonders why he cares, given that he’s offski once he’s knocked off the Prince’s Shield.
Anyway… Off to raid the vending machine. Who wants to share my twiglets?
Minute 46 ~
Prwfhafh! Pwah Praf pap! Pra… Ugh… They’re actually revolting, aren’t they, when you get right down to it. Where was I…? Oh yes.
Minute 47 ~
GOOAAAAALL….!!! And
this is the big one, a superb swirling cross from Anthony Jones into the feet of Cas Richardson, and the much-travelled big Candelariasian makes the stab at it… A wicked deflection off Cotuba gives City the lead, and the naranja suddenly have a mountain to climb.
Minute 54 ~ They’re bouncing in Zapata, which probably isn’t especially wise looking at that roof, but Kim Mihyeon’s just gone pretty close so don’t discount CandelariaAM from this one just yet…
Minute 56 ~ An equaliser for the Marbles at Harper Street, but it doesn’t particularly change much… Port of Clotaire are surely safe now, and engaged primarily in a little tussle of their own to see which of the Clotaire clubs finishes higher in the final table.
Minute 59 ~ Oooh… Blimey. A seemingly innocuous challenge there between Jorge Roberto – who can normally be counted upon to go down like a sack of spuds but decided here to hold his own, for some reason – and Samual Fortal, sees the Rennidanian hardman come much the worse off… Ick. Is his leg supposed to…? Cor…
Minute 60 ~ Quite entertaining though, I mean given how much of that kind of thing he’s dished out over the years… KT Hotspur really are going to have to do some major rebuilding at the back next term.
And find a manager. Hey, maybe this would be the perfect opportunity for them to reverse the habit of a lifetime and actually put out a modestly attack-minded team next term, if… Eh, who’re we kidding?
Minute 61 ~ Second goal for Wanderley; absolutely dire defending from the Indies. If they do stay up, bless ‘em, they’re going to need some seriously major additions at the back themselves…
Minute 63 ~ Augustine Denn
iiiiinnnn…. Juuust wide from the Dancougan veteran, and MarquezOW are really struggling to find one goal here, never mind two…
Minute 70 ~ Caleb Edwards, PoC player of the season by all accounts, puts the Harpies back in front in their little cracker against the Marbles. That’s nice for them.
Minute 71 ~ And Wanderley completes his hat-trick, so you can stick all that stuff about Kim needing a new partner up your jacksie, in all probability. *Sigh*
Minute 72 ~ Sooo close from Oliveira Tavares there… did I just say ‘sooo’?… and Becker scrabbles to get it round the post. Poor corner from the C&M lefty in the end, put MarquezOW are ratcheting up the pressure none the less. Incidentally, this would probably be a good time to remind you that if you’d rather discard these primitive text feeds in favour of the real thing, then all this scorchin’ action is available on a telly broadcaster near you! Shucks, why not be all proactive and add your local network to
the list, an–
Minute 73 ~ Goal for Salvador González, two-nil Caires City, game over, goodnight! And congratulations Green Island!
Minute 75 ~ Kim Zetaback puts Port of Clotaire four-two up.
Minute 77 ~ Ooh, something interesting. Sort of. A goal for Ilga NorthWalker in front of a distinctly hostile Decimotercia puts Catedral two-one up against Caires Sports, and pretty much hands Turkish a TQCC preliminary place.
Minute 78 ~ And lordy be, don’t they just need a helping hand like that…? Harry Oughton, who really hasn’t had his best season with Portuguese, scores an absolute screamer to put Turkish down, but certainly not out. They’ll have the last laugh, but this is a poor way to end their league campaign.
Minute 80 ~ Or… conceivably not, as Darren Robinson pulls one back. Dennin, meanwhile, has gone close again in Caires but surely there’s no way back for the naranja in this one…?
Minute 83 ~ If there is, they can certainly learn from Turkish – old Julius Rotherwell finds the equaliser out of absolutely nothing… Ooh, and Tenderville take the lead against Radyukevich, and that could be third place all sewn up for
them… somehow…
Minute 84 ~ Kim Mihyeon skies a shot, and would you believe Green Island are actually
defending now…? Hanging on to a two-goal lead though, they look safe as houses. An awful lot of happy faces at Marlow Park… and a few worryingly emaciated ones, and others apparently covered in soot, and…
Anyway…
Minute 86 ~
Well. Not entirely sure what Mannasuch has threatened his assorted men and women at Turkish with, but it’s certainly done the trick! A superb comeback at Portuguese, with Rotherwell tucking home the winner from the spot, but the locals are streaming out now… Surely this is the end of Eduardo Morales’ obsession with turning the biggest club on Marquez into a Kura-Pellandi sideshow?
Minute 87 ~ Drunn Deleks completes a hat-trick, the Dragons are definitely third… and, I might add, only three extra wins and goal difference away from winning the bloody title. Bloody yanqs…
Minute 88 ~ Ho, and Danny Evans receives a straight red for bringing down Belmore in the box… Has any foreign keeper had less fun during his CMSC stay than the poor old Ad’ihani?
Minute 89 ~ Sinjinir takes the pen… and it’s saved by asterisk-level talented nineteen year-old Adeliz Giménez. She’s a female goalkeeper. We’re through the looking glass here, people…
Minute 90 and a bit ~ Final whistles in various places… But not yet where it matters. Surely it’s all a formality now, but…
Minute 90 and a bit more ~ And
that’s your lot, it’s all over, Caires City beat MarquezOW, Osborne slices the ball high in the air right down south, and
Green Island Zapata Football Club take their second ever CMSC title, their first for eighteen seasons, their first silverware all told since the XXV CMS Cup… And all those near-misses of the past are banished, the CMSC Trophy leaves Candelaria And Marquez for the second ever time… Cor. And when all’s said and done, you’ve got to tip your hat to Allan Adams. This is a self-made man from Mary’s Park who made his fortune in refuse collection before leaving Candelaria after his business was nationalised and settling on Green. Decades later, after becoming GIZ chairman, his policy of mixing pointy international stars with home-grown youngsters –
va Drakes y Saundersons, if you will – has finally paid off, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a title victory celebrated quite so much before… Proper old-fashioned pitch invasion here, quite a lot of banners and things, that’s… No matter; Espy va Drake, the club captain, takes the mic here and will address the crowd, and…
…
And we would appear to have lost our connection to Marlow Park, there. That’s curious…
Ne’er mind. Congratubloodylations to the GIZ, because you may not be from Candelaria And Marquez proper, but at least you’re not damned Nethertopians! Boo-yah, sirs!
AFC MN Smith 1-0 Sloane Wanderers (Lockyer 28)
Albrecht Independent FC 0-3 Albrecht FC (Wanderley 33 and 61 and 71)
Arrigo Portuguese 2-3 Albrecht Turkish (Lacamoire 45+2, Oughton 78; Robinson 80, Rotherwell 83 and 86)
Caires City 2-0 Marquez-Onwere (Cotuba og 46, González 74)
Cathedral City 2-1 Caires Sports (Doyle 18, NorthWalker 77; Belmore 1)
Gamboa FC 2-1 KT Hotspur (Lacerda 26 and 45; Fortal 32)
Green Island 2-0 Candelaria-Allemali (Osborne 20, Anwamanë 44)
Port of Clotaire 4-2 El din Marbles (Zetaback 5 and 75, Ham 7, Edwards 70; Berecz 17, Sánchez 56)
Tenderville United 3-1 Radyukevich CSC (Deleks 40 and 83 and 87; Kjaer 3)
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CMSC XXXIV Final Standings
Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Green Island 34 22 5 7 72 39 33 71 CHAMPIONS/TQCC
2 Marquez-Onwere 34 21 6 7 67 40 27 69 TQCC
3 Tenderville United 34 19 5 10 53 42 11 62
4 Albrecht FC 34 17 9 8 68 37 31 60 TQCC
5 Albrecht Turkish 34 16 10 8 53 37 16 58 TQCC
6 Caires Sports 34 14 12 8 41 31 10 54 GC
7 Caires City 34 15 8 11 66 50 16 53 GC
8 KT Hotspur 34 13 12 9 43 36 7 51 GC
9 El din Marbles 34 11 12 11 46 52 -6 45
10 AFC MN Smith 34 11 11 12 41 48 -7 44
11 Arrigo Portuguese 34 10 12 12 50 53 -3 42
12 Gamboa FC 34 9 12 13 46 50 -4 39
13 Port of Clotaire 34 10 6 18 33 56 -23 36
14 Radyukevich CSC 34 8 11 15 45 59 -14 35
15 Albrecht Independent FC 34 8 8 18 41 63 -22 32
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16 Candelaria-Allemali 34 6 12 16 35 58 -23 30 REL
17 Sloane Wanderers 34 7 7 20 40 61 -21 28 REL
18 Cathedral City 34 8 4 22 37 64 -27 28 REL
TQCC & GC places will be confirmed in a very public and unnecessarily showy way at some point following the publishing of post-TQCC14 coefficients.Players of the SeasonGolden Boot:
1st Augustine Dennin, Marquez-Onwere, 23 goals
2nd Lúthien Anwamanë, Green Island, 20 goals
3rd Drunn Deleks, Tenderville United, 19 goals
Players’ Player of the Season:
1st Souto Maior, Marquez-Onwere
2nd Fred Foster, Albrecht FC
3rd Aintôrthea Durosa, Green Island
While these awards are frankly pony, given how players generally know even less about football than the country’s journalists, and split votes for similar players tend to see less likely candidates slip into contention; let’s just acknowledge the recognition that – for all the performances of those top three goal scorers up there and a handful of fine defender – this season was all about the creative, goalscoring midfielders.
Leopoldo Souto Maior, while an ever-so slightly dubious choice for the actual gong (we’re guessing that the likes of William, Werner, Rossi, Jatobá, Banz and Aldo just happen to be their club’s nominated PFA representative, given how this is the second year in a row a Cafundelense has won this one), has never the less pulled MarquezOW’s drawstrings throughout; the perfect link man between Dennin, Joãio and all the rest, as well as chipping in with just the sixteen goals himself, putting him fourth on the list and ahead of the likes of Kim Daeeui and William Lacamoire. You certainly can’t accuse this division of not having top-quality, second-rate Cafundelenses a-go-go!
Sportswriters’ Player of the Season:
1st Espy va Drake, Green Island
2nd Drunn Deleks, Tenderville United
3rd Souto Maior, Marquez-Onwere
Two players with rather similar seasons top the slightly more intellectual of the top gongs, with the big E coming out on top for the second season in a row. You wouldn’t have thought that possible during the Clausura’s early stages, with a plainly lethargic va Drake propped up by Durosa and the like. Likewise, Deleks was nowhere to be seen while Tenderville struggled miserably throughout the Apertura… And then it all changed, with the Rennidanian perpetual youngster hitting thirteen in seventeen and va Drake’s own tally coming to total fourteen as he brushed aside the competition in his own inimitable fashion. He really is very good, isn’t he?
Young Player of the Season:
1st Jacob Davies, Marquez-Onwere
2nd Jordon Hawker, KT Hotspur
3rd Luis Pavoni, El din Marbles
Wow, a centre-half actually wins this one. That’s not happened since, like, ever. While the presence of Eric O’Brien alongside him and Amern S’toris in goal certainly did Davies the power of good in assisting his development, there’s no arguing that he’s not a very special talent that the naranja really could have done with during their title run-in.
Hawker is likewise a C&M regular of the very near future, and moves up from third on this list to second after making the switch to the Spur, while whoever voted must be given props for handing Pavoni a nod – pretty much holding the Marbles together while their Nethies were off at the Harmony or Oxen, or otherwise injured, Pavoni wasn’t even selected for the Small Blues. We really
do have strength in depth in the attack-minded midfield role, don’t we? Pity about everywhere else…
Manager of the Season:
1st Brian Carson, Tenderville United
2nd Daft Massimo, Green Island
3rd Keron Alhrem, Caires Sports
Sweet mother of mercy, the title-winning boss didn’t get this particular gong… Is that a first? Anyway, sweet old Brian Carson not unreasonably picks this one up for rescuing his own Dragons career from the brink of collapse and dragging his side up into the top three (and the TQCC group stages an’ all),
and getting them through to the CMS Cup final; while Alhrem’s continued success with the Knights and Massimo’s league trophy makes this a banner year for the elderly.
Foreigner of the Season:
1st Augustine Dennin, Marquez-Onwere [Dancougar]
2nd Lúthien Anwamanë, Green Island [Valanora]
3rd Espy va Drake, Green Island [Valanora]
Still as utterly redundant as ever, this one, and so bunged in Dennin’s direction as part of everybody-gets-an-award day. But, despite being an undoubted beneficiary of the naranja’s playing style, he’s never the less been an immense goalscorer in his own twilight years.
Keeper of the Season:
1st Harry Rosalia, Albrecht FC
2nd Amern S’toris, Marquez-Onwere
3rd Christian Fernández Montes, Radyukevich CSC
This one, by all accounts, was a bit of a struggle thanks to an extremely limited selection of possibly candidates… The top two have certainly been a consistent cut above the rest for some years now, and frankly the league’s crying out for half-decent ‘keepers.
Defender of the Season:
1st Ladordren Dorack, Green Island
2nd Gwynfardd Lopulalan, KT Hotspur
3rd William, Albrecht FC
With a flighty slip of a girl alongside him, thirtysomething full-backs out wide and Darren Bryson in goal; the fact that the GIZ let in fewer goals than Marquez-Onwere is testament to the former Raynor City man’s ability and experience on his first season in Candelariasian football, and he was arguably the major difference between XXXIII’s third-placed and this season’s title-winning side. No Caires Sports representation here, despite the Knights possessing the best defensive record, with the voters (whoever
they are) apparently unable to pick between any of the back five.
Midfielder of the Season:
1st Aintôrthea Durosa, Green Island
2nd Souto Maior, Marquez-Onwere
3rd Lawrence Amey, Caires City
va Drake’s ignored here, presumably to give everyone else a chance, and despite the familiar look of the top three this was as strong a field as you could hope for. Fred Foster, Salvador González, Rossi, Roel Kuypers, Francisco Martinez, Macario Oliveira Tavares, Peter Rogers, Jordan Hawker, Ahershk Valinial, Katie Cincoski and several more could all have found themselves in the running in any other season, so… er… well done everyone!
Forward of the Season:
1st Drunn Deleks, Tenderville United
2nd Augustine Dennin, Marquez-Onwere
3rd Vorin Dariegan, KT Hotspur
Winning this one for the second season in a row, this award really should be handed out joint to Deleks and Erik Jans – without the big, Rennidanian-trained Nethertopian forward, Deleks looked half the player he once was during the Apertura, before coming alive once the new partnership had been established. As for Dariegan, the fact that he even breaks double figures so consistently without any real service still astonishes. No Candelariasian here, you’ll note. Cas Richardson, somewhat implausibly, was our own ‘best’ with thirteen goals…
Women of the Season:
1st Katie Cincoski, Albrecht Independent FC
2nd Lúthien Anwamanë, Green Island
3rd Bethany Nicholls, Candelaria-Allemali
I…
What!?Yes, for the first time the award giving committee saw fit to create this monstrosity. Superfluous at best and certainly patronising, it’s hard to see quite what the point is when the likes of Naoki Tonnelier and Natalie Instonenext and… and… stuff have picked up awards off their own bat in the past without needing one of their very own. What next, Homosexual of the Season? Candelariasian of the Season? Non-hum… er, you get the idea there, anyway.
So, Nicholls is probably elevated beyond any merit, but at least it shows a Candelariasian chick can almost keep up with the stronger sex. Durosa is a glaring omission from this list, by the by, and we can only assume that, since her shift from Michelle to Aintôrthea, everyone kinda forgot she was actually, y’know, female…
What? It’s plausible. Have you
seen her lately!?
CMS Cup Final… The Scorpions didn’t have an awfully long way to travel for the cup final, given that the Solidarity Stadium was the venue of choice, while the Dragons had to cross both the Onbenaamde Waterleemte and the estrecho innomado (by boat on both occasions, with most internal and external flights to and from the Candelarias currently grounded and sent to their rooms without any supper) and were, not unreasonably, a little the worse for wear after only getting back from Sanghae barely twenty-four hours earlier.
It’s almost as if we planned it that way…
It’s fair to say that, for quite possibly the first time in recorded history, the entirety of the Candelarias (aside from Turkish and Portuguese supporters, naturally) were on Albrecht FC’s side for this one, with a Tenderville victory in the
Candelaria And Marquez Soccer Cup being proper sign of the apocalypse stuff.
Happily for us all, therefore, it didn’t happen. Andy Le Lan appears to have got this cup final thing down to a find art and the last rites on the Amah-Ceyhun partnership were read by Kim and Wanderley, the Scorpions front two sparking fully for arguably the first time this season. Three-nil did absolutely
not flatter Albrecht, what anyone says, with the holders becoming – with a scoreline identical to last seasons – the first side to retain a CMS Cup title since, um, themselves, back in VIII and IX. At least that’ll keep their inscrutable paymasters happy, eh?
Le Lan’s exit, while confirmed now, will have to wait until the close of his final ICC campaign, with the Scorpions up against Raynor City
again but expected to roll over Banks and that well-known Commerce Heights outfit Casuals Osteria. Tenderville, interestingly enough, have Caires Sports – not the first meeting between Nethertopian and Candelariasian clubs internationally, we don’t think, but certainly the first where the Nethie one will arguably start favourites. For what it’s worth however, the Knights took all six points during the league this term – a couple of one-nil wins with Josh Belmore hitting the winner in both.
That’s unusual…
Albrecht FC 3-0 Tenderville United (Kures 28, Kim 33, Wanderley 61)
@ Soldarity Stadium, AlbrechtThe T4S CMSC2- Code: Select all
T4S CMSC2 XXXIV Final Standings
Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Melin & Nader 38 21 9 8 70 42 28 72 CHAMPIONS/SBCC
2 NAPPC 38 21 9 8 67 41 26 72 PROMOTED
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3 McDonald SC 38 20 8 10 57 41 16 68 SBCC
4 Mayo Valley 38 19 8 11 51 38 13 65 SBCC
5 Melin Professionals 38 16 13 9 53 42 11 61 SBCC
6 Castillo FC 38 17 9 12 53 37 16 60
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7 Ironside-Talinger 38 15 13 10 59 39 20 58
8 Candelaria Arsenal 38 15 10 13 58 54 4 55
9 Turks’ Club 38 14 11 13 51 54 -3 53
10 Deportivo María 38 16 4 18 54 51 3 52
11 Alvery Blades 38 13 13 12 56 55 1 52
12 Abiodun North 38 13 10 15 46 46 0 49
13 Miranda FC 38 12 11 15 40 55 -15 47
14 Brayton Town 38 12 8 18 57 63 -6 44
15 Khatib FC 38 11 10 17 37 45 -8 43
16 Caires FC 38 10 12 16 36 50 -14 42
17 Arrigo C.d.F. 38 11 8 19 43 59 -16 41
18 Fallon United 38 10 8 20 38 56 -18 38
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19 Liverpool Knights 38 9 9 20 38 72 -34 36 REL
20 Club Marquez 38 8 11 19 39 63 -24 35 REL
They don’t hand out little trophies for winning the Clausura stage of the CMSC2, because frankly that’d be silly, but if they
did there’d be no arguments about the winners… much to everyone else’s distaste.
Yes, Never Give Up & Always Keep the Ball Forward Peregrines & Peregrinus City Soccer Combination Football Club (or summat like that, we can’t be arsed to check) sacked our very own Ricardo Garcia in favour of Victor Wildeman (grr, etc), who promptly led his team to a grand total of two defeats in nineteen fixtures, the little get. So once more, that’s
two Nethertopian clubs we’ve got to worry about in the top-flight next year.
Remind us again who said this was a good idea?
Actually going and winning the thing, however, were perennial “oh yes… them” side Melin & Nader, still managed by Nathaniel Ferraro and barely changed since the
last time they were in the CMSC1. Woo.
CMSC2 Play-OffsCastillo FC 4-0 McDonald SC
McDonald SC 0-0 Castillo FC
Aggregate: McDonald SC 0-4 Castillo FC
Melin Professionals 0-1 Mayo Valley
Mayo Valley 1-1 Melin Professionals
Aggregate: Mayo Valley 2-1 Melin Professionals
Castillo FC 0-0 Mayo Valley (1-1 AET) (Mayo Valley wins 4-3 on penalty kicks)
@ Solidarity Stadium, AlbrechtAnd so the battle for the final promotion place came down to a shoot-out between a bunch of Marquezian nationalists and western Candelarian bumpkins. And a few random Serbs, as it turned out, with teenage winger Joe Milošević putting away the decisive spot kick to send former league leaders Mayo back up and ensure that the little town of Hodgehill, how still we see thee lie, will once again be represented in the top-flight. Awesome.
The Regional Divisions- Code: Select all
Patton-Carmichael Candelarian Premier League XXXIV
Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Maidment SC 33 19 8 6 57 33 24 65 PROMOTED
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2 Dyce FC 33 19 4 10 53 35 18 61
3 Hanlon Warbirds 33 17 7 9 57 41 16 58
4 Magnus United 33 15 8 10 47 35 12 53
5 Di Alfonso Phoenix 33 14 8 11 44 42 2 50
6 Alber City Wasps 33 14 6 13 40 38 2 48
7 Webley Stadium 33 12 6 15 44 49 -5 42
8 Dublynne Raiders 33 11 5 17 39 47 -8 38
9 Starless City Nationals 33 9 10 14 31 37 -6 37
10 Abiodun South 33 9 8 16 32 45 -13 35
11 Saurin I.A. 33 10 5 18 34 57 -23 35
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12 Warne Cities 33 8 7 18 39 58 -19 31 REL
Right, God knows why these divisions really warrant comment, but anyway… Northern Candelarian club Maidment, who often tend to be there or thereabouts, went on a nice late surge as Magnus United tumbled horribly in tandem with Turkish’s early Clausura slump, and Warne went down. Um. As you can see from the table above. Yeah.
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The El Monstruo Verde Elite Championship XXXIV
Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Riverton Olympic 33 19 6 8 46 30 16 63 PROMOTED
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2 Onwere University 33 17 9 7 47 31 16 60
3 Castellano Hills FC 33 18 6 9 51 37 14 60
4 Chapon FC 33 15 7 11 38 42 -4 52
5 Bass FC 33 14 9 10 54 41 13 51
6 Newport Island 33 14 7 12 41 30 11 49
7 Condory Bantams 33 12 7 14 46 44 2 43
8 Fallon Town 33 12 7 14 47 47 0 43
9 Swords of Bass 33 11 8 14 40 43 -3 41
10 Blackwell Island 33 10 7 16 37 53 -16 37
11 C.G.y.F.d.C.d.L.T. 33 5 12 16 29 45 -16 27
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12 Estrellas Brilliantes 33 6 5 22 27 60 -33 23 REL
The other half of the country saw Green Island side Riverton bounce straight back up, despite being only fifth after Matchday 27. MarquezOW’s feeder team – benefiting enormously from the naranja’s great huge squad – could consider themselves disappointed not to make the CMSC2 for the first time in their history, but I wouldn’t get yourself worked up about it especially.
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Cristal Chemical Stragetic Candelarian Second League XXXIV
Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Thoth Town SC 33 17 11 5 46 25 21 62 PROMOTED
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2 Exeter Trident 33 17 5 11 50 32 18 56
3 The New Saints 33 15 8 10 55 35 20 53
4 Lesperance Knights 33 13 13 7 44 39 5 52
5 Preece Town 33 13 8 12 39 37 2 47
6 Lower Wessaxontown Magicians 33 12 10 11 50 46 4 46
7 Bulent GBC 33 12 10 11 36 36 0 46
8 Catherin FC 33 12 8 13 37 39 -2 44
9 Cleal Beck 33 11 6 16 36 49 -13 39
10 Warbirds Talinger 33 10 8 15 28 41 -13 38
11 Thompsontown Bettians 33 7 10 16 28 53 -25 31
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12 Mount Lo 33 7 7 19 26 43 -17 28 REL
Back to Candelaria, and it was the turn of KT Hotspur’s kids and fogies to fall just short of jumping up a division. Instead, and having recovered from inexplicably losing half their squad to the NWD1 a couple of years ago, it’s the surprise package of The House on the Hill, from somewhere near Bove apparently, who contrive to get themselves promoted. More good news meanwhile for Mayo Valley, who saw Vo FC drop out of the semi-pro divisions last term and waved goodbye to their own only plausible rivals, Mount Lo, this time around. The Scruggs Pickings Sharks come back up in their place, as they do often tend to.
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Campeonato de la Doble Vidriera de la Élite XXXIV
Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Club Atlético Lugar 33 15 14 4 59 36 23 59 PROMOTED
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2 Guerreros de Agujero 33 15 12 6 43 31 12 57
3 San Juan 33 14 11 8 49 28 21 53
4 Nader FC 33 12 12 9 43 42 1 48
5 Club Atlético Fasnia 33 14 6 13 41 40 1 48
6 Gómez United 33 12 11 10 47 40 7 47
7 Korslund 33 11 9 13 36 36 0 42
8 Chapon United 33 9 12 12 39 46 -7 39
9 Gustavo Sánchez 33 8 14 11 32 39 -7 38
10 New Taylor Road 33 9 8 16 37 57 -20 35
11 Los Realejos Storks 33 7 12 14 42 55 -13 33
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12 Robert Simpson FC 33 6 11 16 25 43 -18 29 REL
Aaaaand finally… oh God, I really don’t care. Marquez Athletic went up, if it really matters to anyone.
International Update… Mm, another one, since we spent so long
getting the bloody tables to work that the entire TQCC group stage went by.
So, to put it in simple terms, Albrecht are still pretty good internationally and so are Green Island, Caires Sports aren’t quite as much, and Tenderville are funny. It all matters for naught however, because the most obscure of the three remaining Septentrionie clubs are clearly going to go on to win the whole thing anyway.
Thank you.