Words like snow. Falling onto fire. Arriving as one, departing as three. The eyes of a snake. Yellow. Black. Red. The silence of a tomb. Dusty. Solemn.
"Thoogoodoy stvideidi ho treisoymomumo.""Victorious warriors bringing incomparable wealth."
"Sizhabowshei'shu gu thowzhowlisolo gu huloo'shu erzomiluthow.""Masters of the sword drinking the blood of vermin."
"Hu'shu gyushergeishoy muzumootheh tobutroomow shyumuthyu.""Spreaders of the good seed reaching across the ocean."
"Stvugistvootowlo < Eboyteh'shu zhei < Dowzushowtheizyu'shu sashestverlotoo < Gozei'shu zherzhoostvoybeda < Zhiga eizowshotrowmoy gu buzolow'shu zeihow trisoomowtoymi lerzowmotow < Show zhamuberzho Gu Gyu Zhyu.""Oh you, tenacious of spirit, merciless of heart, cunning of mind, deliver us to our homeland of crystal water, for you are The Mighty Faction."
Words like snow. Falling onto fire. Without knowing the sounds. I understand and do not understand, as if I were creating a language in my own head. I stare into the flickering orange cauldron, the blackness around the edges barely visible through the clouds of red smoke above the hissing coals. And the snow falls. And I understand and do not understand.
The silence is not broken. And then it is.
"Hello and thank you for listening to Radio Stvoto Latoli Channel 14, your home for sport! My name is Hihowsyisu Zi and I am your host for this hour. Now that we've finished prayers, let's take a quick break from our regular rowing coverage to take a glance at something new. I've got a report here that says our indestructible empire is about to be graced with a brand new sport! Abroad, among the throngs of the weak, they call it 'football.' Surely we mighty Stvoto Latolisi can come up with a better term, no! Football?! HA! Those useless fucking MAGGOTS!!
"Well, whatever. What does it matter, as regardless of what the maggots call it, we the conquering horde of Stvoto Latoli will surely be world champions someday soon. Once we master the game, I suppose. And the first step to doing that is having our very own league. That's right, folks, we are about to bear witness to the inaugural, Year 4006 Season of what they are calling
Gu Zhahogowdoo."
I understand and do not understand. I move my lips to answer his voice, casting spells back across the fire. But snow won't fall up. I am literally paralyzed. There is nothing but stillness. In slow motion.
"Here's how it'll work. We've got three divisions of four. Every team plays each of the teams in its division four times, twice home and twice away. Every team plays each of the teams outside of its division twice, once home and once away. You get twenty-eight games for each team there. Then, 8 teams go to the playoffs - the three division winners and five wild cards. From there it's a straight knockout. Winner is the champion. And, uh... what the hell is this... so I guess there's this idiotic tournament the maggots abroad run called the UICA Champions' Cup... and apparently we are sending our champion to that piece of shit. And the other three semifinalists? We send them where? To the Globe Cup? Well, whatever. Sounds the kind of thing those pathetic vermin would invent.
"So, obviously, because we don't want confusion, the divisions of
Gu Zhahogowdoo are broken up by geography. We've got Division One, obviously the best division, since it's number one and it contains the four Stvoto Latolisi teams. Our proud teams will undoubtedly slay the eight teams from the Possessions without too much trouble. First up:
Lobyuseistvooshu. You know the neighborhood! It's where you go when you want the freshest fruits from the finest Muzira'a Ba'aydi orchards and the tastiest swordfish and eel fillets brought back by
gu thoostvyuhidoythu. Well, they've got a team that will be wearing red, gray, and good old patriotic
gow."
It arrives,
gow, in one state, and departs, chartreuse, in another.
"Then we've got
Troystverdyu’thatho, who'll be butting heads on behalf of
Gu Zeisyutherstveh. The colors for that side are orange, gray, and blue, and rumor has it that they're property of Hohuguzherzow Oystvameimitei. Everybody's got a few ihosos in her bank over there, don't they? Okay, who else? Oh, the two outfits from
Gu Zheihersei! Well, they'll surely be everybody's favorites, won't they? Who out there isn't willing to raise their arms in salute to our men and women in uniform? Representing the Air Force and of course wearing black, brown, and gold, we have
Stvozhaboythumow! Do you like their chances of winning the league? And even if you do, will the fans warm to having a female manager? Or maybe you're a Navy type of person? Well you'll surely enjoy watching the matches of
Hozastvu! They're going to be clad in maroon and red. As you might guess."
The eyes of the snake watch me still. Or am I watching them? Does it matter which way I look at it? Upside down? On the side? I can't tell, I'm still still as a stone. Snow landing now in drifts, vanishing as it approaches the singularity of flame.
"Next up, to nobody's surprise, provided they have reaped the benefits of our fantastic Stvoto Latolisi educational system, I should say, is Division Two! This division contains the four Muzira'a Ba'aydi clubs. Now, obviously they won't be as spectacularly competitive as our home-grown outfits from our beloved raft city, but since they are from our most economically productive and cooperative vassal state, they might fare somewhat well. Leading the pack for the Arabs and the Irish is the team known as Cinder Castle Brewers, or simply
Brewers. They'll play in Caisleán Luaith and their strip will be orange and
gow. Just like those Irish ne'er-do-wells to name a sports team after their favorite drink, eh? Nah, I kid, Brewers might be quite a good team. Then of course we have
Cóiméid, which is the Irish word for Comets. We expect that team to be clad in red, black, and blue and play in Teach Iarann. Aside from the fact that their stellar name will likely not translate to any victories against the Stvoto Latolisi sides, they might be strong as well. The owner of that team, Hohuguzherzow Gugertryudu, has made it clear that she will spare no expense in trying to pick up the absolute best our great nation has to offer.
"But that's not all! While Brewers and Cóiméid will likely be the favorites in Division Two, they'll be joined by two more teams.
Al Ziya, an Arab team based out of the port city of Báisteach Foréigneacha, will adorn themselves in navy and purple, and Fahan, that rapidly growing, high-altitude, coffee-growing, paradisal vacation destination in the north of the state, will be sending their modest outfit,
Sunbirds, to
Gu Zhahogowdoo. They'll wear the colors of red and
gow. Our ever loyal and most humble servants in the land of Muzira'a Ba'aydah can be proud of themselves for tossing together such a strong batch of clubs, given the meager status of their pathetic country."
I hear his voice rising and falling like the legend of Hridayaja the Noble's ghost xebec in the fog of Rahish Bay. His language remains coded, a mystery turned inside out; I understand the answer to the riddle before I have heard the riddle itself.
"Finally, there is one last division, although I must say, we'd all be better off without it. Despite the fact that these cockroaches have been rebellious from the start and couldn't be less obliging if they were spitting in our smiling faces, there will be four teams from the Colony That Shall Not Be Named occupying Division Three. Needless to say, they'll surely all be terrible, and were it not for the fact that they all get to play each other a bunch of times, I'd half expect them to all go winless. They're that rotten. No team from such a contemptible and disease-ridden vassal state deserves to have any success whatsoever. But, I digress. The four teams in Division Three are thus: Kuratmad
Angels, wearing red and pale blue, and
Vezhidrupa Zafaryab Ludujat, wearing white with orange, red, and green trim, both from Mahathu, followed by
Pkethat Hevnaje Zafaryab Ludujat, from Pkethat Hevnaje, wearing white, red, and black, and lastly Šede Island
Shadows, from Pkethat Šede, wearing silver and black. Here's to hoping that those worthless, hateful, repulsive slaves from those awful Pazhujeb Islands all rot in hell."
What? The snow turns cruel! Vassal state? Enslaved? It can't be, it's not true, he's got it wrong, he'll take it back soon, it's a mistake, wrong country, wrong people, wrong place, wrong time, wrong life. We are not there. We are here. The eyes of the snake are watching me.
Or am I watching them?
"Stvishyuzastvuba!""
Ragheads!" he hisses.
I awake in a panic. Righuvaha is gone.
--------------------------------------------------
AL ZIYAColors: Purple and navy
City, Country: Báisteach Foréigneacha, Muzira'a Ba'aydah
Manager: Mun'im al Jaber (Muzira'a Ba'aydah)
Notable Players: Awere
Finish Last Year: N/A
Financial Buying Power: Good
Supporter Base Size: Somewhat large
Supporter Passion: Very disinterested
Supporter Politics: Left-wing
KitsANGELSColors: Red and pale blue
City, Country: Mahathu, Pazhujeb Islands
Manager: Tanko Veghumi (Pazhujeb Islands)
Notable Players: al Nazihah, Deithastvoy, Shi, Wambukawo
Finish Last Year: N/A
Financial Buying Power: Excellent
Supporter Base Size: Somewhat large
Supporter Passion: Below average
Supporter Politics: Right-wing
KitsBREWERSColors: Orange and chartreuse
City, Country: Caisleán Luaith, Muzira'a Ba'aydah
Manager: Wahib al Khlaiwi (Muzira'a Ba'aydah)
Notable Players: Bei, Eji, Medhazhinanju, Thoymyugu, Zowbowbyuthi
Finish Last Year: N/A
Financial Buying Power: Poor
Supporter Base Size: Somewhat large
Supporter Passion: Very strong
Supporter Politics: Right-wing
KitsCÓIMÉIDColors: Red and black with blue trim
City, Country: Teach Iarann, Muzira'a Ba'aydah
Manager: Haghi'qavichi Ruzha (Pazhujeb Islands)
Notable Players: al Amri, Chenu, Drummond, O'Coilligh, Orman, Padhi, Qaha, Quilligan, Ur
Finish Last Year: N/A
Financial Buying Power: Excellent
Supporter Base Size: Below average
Supporter Passion: Very disinterested
Supporter Politics: Right-wing
KitsHOZASTVUColors: Maroon and red
City, Country: Stvoto Latoli, Stvoto Latoli
Manager: Hizagerzheihu Zersei (Stvoto Latoli)
Notable Players: al Nubi, Kourouma, Ouinhichamba, Ouithima, Ruvumighu, Tilley, Veale, Yeates
Finish Last Year: N/A
Financial Buying Power: Moderate
Supporter Base Size: Very large
Supporter Passion: Somewhat strong
Supporter Politics: Right-wing
KitsLOBYUSEISTVOOSHUColors: Red, gray, and chartreuse
City, Country: Stvoto Latoli, Stvoto Latoli
Manager: Tugeistvostvoy Tyuhowtroy (Stvoto Latoli)
Notable Players: abd al Raziq, Gilmore, O'Bearga, Palmer, Toytazoyzhili, Uchatheppujaghu
Finish Last Year: N/A
Financial Buying Power: Good
Supporter Base Size: Very large
Supporter Passion: Very strong
Supporter Politics: Moderate
KitsPKETHAT HEVNAJEColors: White, red, and black
City, Country: Pkethat Hevnaje, Pazhujeb Islands
Manager: Ouadahihuthu Sajeh (Pazhujeb Islands)
Notable Players: al Jahani, Athey, Donovan, Erthow, Ismail, Jardan, Ya
Finish Last Year: N/A
Financial Buying Power: Excellent
Supporter Base Size: Below average
Supporter Passion: Somewhat strong
Supporter Politics: Left-wing
KitsSHADOWSColors: Silver and black
City, Country: Pkethat Šede, Pazhujeb Islands
Manager: Zhitowstvoy Yulethow (Stvoto Latoli)
Notable Players: Eiloy, Erhi, Hoshersei, West
Finish Last Year: N/A
Financial Buying Power: Moderate
Supporter Base Size: Very large
Supporter Passion: Very strong
Supporter Politics: Moderate
KitsSTVOZHABOYTHUMOWColors: Black and brown with gold trim
City, Country: Stvoto Latoli, Stvoto Latoli
Manager: Gyamfua Zahuzh (Pazhujeb Islands)
Notable Players: Mha, O'Loingseachain, Vail
Finish Last Year: N/A
Financial Buying Power: Good
Supporter Base Size: Below average
Supporter Passion: Below average
Supporter Politics: Right-wing
KitsSUNBIRDSColors: Red and chartreuse
City, Country: Fahan, Muzira'a Ba'aydah
Manager: Mezhergoy Serthidi (Stvoto Latoli)
Notable Players: Bahamdan, Doyzowbugima, Zhooheizhyu, Šedhigveda
Finish Last Year: N/A
Financial Buying Power: Poor
Supporter Base Size: Very small
Supporter Passion: Somewhat strong
Supporter Politics: Right-wing
KitsTROYSTVERDYU'THATHOColors: Orange, gray, and blue
City, Country: Stvoto Latoli, Stvoto Latoli
Manager: Gushootroosu Sheidosoo (Stvoto Latoli)
Notable Players: O'Blighe, Ouachaburughu, Qavemi, Zuabi
Finish Last Year: N/A
Financial Buying Power: Poor
Supporter Base Size: Very small
Supporter Passion: Very disinterested
Supporter Politics: Apathetic
KitsVEZHIDRUPAColors: White with orange, green, and red trim
City, Country: Mahathu, Pazhujeb Islands
Manager: Goomergoloobu Truzhoobyu (Stvoto Latoli)
Notable Players: al Farran, Dhevi'thimuru, Madani, Vahema, Yorwerth
Finish Last Year: N/A
Financial Buying Power: Moderate
Supporter Base Size: Very small
Supporter Passion: Below average
Supporter Politics: Moderate
Kits