OOC: Last time I tried a rather fancier season review, which yielded approximately shit-all in dividends: either my coefficient is too low to be salvaged by RP bonus, or CH doesn't care for King Lear. So it wasn't really worth the effort, sob sob sob. Hence, here is the more boringly orthodox and immensely cliched review of Season 3. CAUTION: this post uses the word “egress”.
InternationalSadly, the 11th consolidated round of international club football only served to demonstrate the abject weakness of Quintessential football. No team made any significant headway and, although the home games had relatively high attendances, the televished matches produced low viewing figures. Perhaps to the irritation of the established footballing community, however, the QFA announced it would continue funding for at least another two cycles of competition. Eight teams competed, but brought home only the “unofficial award for best red-themed second division club side in the world”, whose marginal status did not stop the QFA proudly holding a week of celebrations in consequence.
Greschmeier MSC faced a particular humiliation shared by only three other teams, being eliminated at the very first stage of the TQCC by Taeshan's Wiechester FC. There was some consolation in seeing two of their young prospects on loan at Somewhereistonia's Metalurgs help them advance. But so did Han team Sanghae Gukjei, who promptly knocked out
BobBank FC in two one-sided legs in the second preliminary round.
The result was that the Globe Cup featured five Quodite teams, but sheer force of numbers wasn't enough to gain any success. The
Highmark City Blues drew their first leg and lost to a late squeaker in the second against Sargossa's Dunas Del Sol in the selective stage, but
New Cleethorpes Athletic were unsurprisingly blown away by Hatton Town, the famous team from
Ad'ihan Commerce Heights Ad'ihan that other Commerce Heights-type entity Ad'ihan Here-be-dragons.
Greschmeier's somewhat tragic travails continued as they were placed against a team from Estresso Intenso, the country that beat Quintessence of Dust in the third place playoff of their Baptism of Fire debut. They managed a home win, only to lose 3-1 away to the Orthopedists. BobBank made it through to the qualifying stage despite still failing to win a single leg, beating Pasarga's Tanrısal on away goals despite missing star midfielder Masami Tamagotchi, who stayed home to play for the Grey Sox.
There they extended their record to no win in six matches at the international level, with a draw and a loss to be eliminated by Dancougar's Sporting Kildare in an 11-goal bonanza. After a first leg draw all remaining hopes were left for The Arena of Dreams, but Septentrionian side Union d'Ourseville proved too strong for
Nowy Orpington United.
Fittingly, things went slightly better in the SBCC, but that only served to prolong the misery a little further, like Chinese water torture (which gave Wow! Health & Fitness's defensive coach unfortunate ideas for pre-season training). The growing pool of competing nations meant
Casuistic Athletic missed out on their chance to compete, and
Ippi-ippi-ippi, who were in the same position last season, may have wished they stayed at home after 1-2, 1-4 demolitions by SC Myrkan.
But
Continuation Railway Biscuit Thickness Spray Farm pulled off a surprise victory over Somewhereistonians Old Suvisians despite having sold off all of their best players following their relegation to the Moo Maid Top League, and even more to pay for the giant piss-up when they were promoted again. They then came from behind thanks to goals from Java Lambchop and Gumption Spunk to tip themselves past Olympique de Baieville. (Yes, his name is “Gumption Spunk”, there's only so much RP leverage to be had from “all our teams lost”.) They were joined in the third preliminary round – the closest any Quodite teams came to group stage action – by the
Highmark City Reds, who triumphed in the aforementioned apt encounter with al-Merika's Khemul Scarlets.
Both the Reds and Farmers came a-cropper at the last pre-qualifying hurdle, however, losing respectively to Cafundelese São Jorge and Vephrallese Custler FE, leading to (quickly withdrawn) threats that the QFA would no longer “subject [its] teams to the international menace of '-ese' demonyms”. All in all, it was in inglorious affair, but the fans continued to cheer on teams with a dull, unknowing fervour that might otherwise be mistaken for a sympton of early onset sociopathy. “My mama allus tole me to be a good boy,” confirmed one fanatical Ip.
TransfersIn his role as Director of Development for the QFA, Jeremy Dixon proved quite successful at attracting foreign talent prior to Season 2. This time, it was a different story. A confluence of factors contributed to a decreased interest in playing in Quintessence of Dust for all but the most despairing veterans or experience-starved youngsters: continuing growth of international club football leading to a “crowding out” effect, poor performances at the international level, and the continuing lack of financial lucre. None of which was especially helpful in rebutting deeply held Quodite suspicions that all foreigners are snot-nosed avaricious bastards.
Nowy Orpington decided to cling onto their two defenders, Mich Henton (Foreign Player of the Year in Season 2) and Alexis Clinton despite their homeland's unfortunate disintegration. FC Drongosnort's relegation saw Kasper Grinius trudge back to Qasarian City and the impressive
Petras Zoltoks transfer to New Cleethorpes Athletic, but Bears Lurra and Herronna decided to stay on to aid the battle for promotion back to the QNRVPL, to the immense joy of the local fans, who promptly developed the chant: “Bears never quit/but they do shit/in the woods, innit”. Two of MN Smith's loans were sent home, Jamie Small looking like breaking into the first team, Çaatay Menderes looking like he'd put on about 50 pounds, but
Oscar Vincent was offered a full contract to stay at Wow!, along with a new trio of bright-eyed youngsters.
Aside from Zoltoks, though, only 6 new players arrived – half of them from Somewhereistonia, with Secretary of State George Madison hastily clarifying his government's increasingly close relationships with the Baltic nation as “just friends with benefits”. Morgan Williams got the shove once Michael Kastner decided it was time for a new era at Nowy Orpington, deciding to finally employ a forward, and brought in Kelssek's
Douglas Crawford, prompting absolute outrage from New Cleethorpes fans who dubbed the move “the first infiltration of communism into our game”. They also picked up a couple of Somewhereistonian youngsters, whose perspective on historical materialism went unchastised.
Continuation Railway Biscuit Thickness Spray Farm made their first ever foreign signing, bringing in the aging Koltelcia captain
Marek Oll to try to make up for the giant Tamagotchi-shaped hole in the centre of midfield. But perhaps the most exciting development was the acquisition of two Starblaydi players, the trade bringing out all the customary fanboyishness of Quintessential fans.
Makki Kaukonen transferred from Iskara Daii to Wow! Health & Fitness FC, and
Gregory Kanzantzakis from Ionia United to New Cleethorpes, his signing unveiled in a press conference in which Jiao Chen managed to mispronounce his name to include eight different profanities, finally settling on “Greg K”, which, it turns out, is a popular Highmark street name for ketamine.
There were few internal transfers of note, but by far the most significant egress was
Woody Cockbadger, who accepted an offer from the CCFM Scout to play for América after the Regals were relegated, to the obvious dismay of his uncle, Arlo Cockbadger, who judged the move “a profound betrayal”. Although emotional scenes at Highmark International Airport-Laundromat saw him wish his nephew all the best, he later added that he “burned in a car fire”. But the move was well received elsewhere, América added to the list of foreign clubs who are more popular at home than any domestic ones are.
QuinTel Not-Really-Very-Premier League Season 3Season 3, and already the QNRVPL has jumped the shark. That was the feeling many expressed as
BobBank FC defended their title, Western stalwarts
New Cleethorpes Athletic were relegated, and everything else went much the same. Still, the season had its moments of excitement, much of which came to the boil on the last day. The
Highmark City Blues were out of TQCC contention but still managed a shock 3-0 win over BobBank to give
Nowy Orpington United a chance of going top. But the
Highmark City Reds, down 2-1 at half-time at with no hope of avoiding relegation after
Continuation Railway Biscuit Thickness Spray Farm upset
Greschmeier MSC, came back with a late goal from Carolina Benet to break Eastern hearts.
Wow! Health & Fitness FC improved one place to earn a Globe Cup spot.
Once again, defenders had the better of strikers, and some high scoring games were generally the result of maniacal incompetence on the behalf of the country's notoriously poor goalkeepers. For the third successive season, Brikk Schitthausen was named MVP, leading to increasing theorising that the QFA is simply afraid to ask for the trophy back from him. Tatsumi Saikawa was the surprise winner of the Grey Boot, scoring 10 goals for Spray Farm, or almost half their total goals. Greschmeier slipped to fourth, but still managed the most emphatic, chewing up the utter limpid New Cleethorpes 6-0 at the Astrodome. Inevitably, much of the blame for Athletic's terrible season fell on the young, largely uncomprehending shoulders of Goshinho, who managed just two goals, but the systemic anti-Western bias of the QFA probably didn't help – including scheduling all of their home games on a single afternoon.
BobBank were deserved champions, the quiet griping about their flush resources notwithstanding. Masami Tamagotchi, increasingly overstretched between international and national duties in both football and baseball, lacked some of the spark from last season, but the strikers did their job and the Secristani-Sandrian defence held firm. Nowy Orpington's ascendancy was all the more remarkable given their dismal home form two seasons prior. And the Blues continued solid, unremarkable football to remain in contention until the closing weeks.
All in all, the experience raised troubling questions about the issue of finances: the two richest clubs won TQCC places, the three poorest finished in the bottom three spots. Yet at the same time, corporate buy-ins helped boost ticket sales and viewing figures, particularly when foreign players featured. This was no doubt helped by the announcement that from Season 4 onwards, Radio Adihan International (RAI), sponsors of the Super Cub, would feature a weekly “QNRVPL Lowlights” segment, featuring the round's most cackhanded performances. Slowly but surely, the international profile of Quodite football is growing
.Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 BobBank FC 14 9 2 3 27 18 9 29 TQCC
2 Nowy Orpington United 14 8 4 2 34 15 19 28 TQCC
3 Highmark City Blues 14 5 6 5 19 16 3 21 GC
4 Greschmeier MSC 14 5 3 6 20 21 -1 18 GC
5 Wow! Health & Fitness FC 14 6 1 7 27 25 2 19 GC
6 CRBTSF 14 5 3 6 21 27 -6 18
7 Highmark City Reds 14 3 5 6 21 28 -7 14 R
8 New Cleethorpes Athletic 14 2 3 9 9 28 -19 9 R
QFA Player AwardsMVP: Brikk Schitthausen (Greschmeier) -
3rd awardYoung Player of the Season: Florian Dugge (Nowy Orpington)
Grey Boot: Tatsumi Saikawa (CRBTSF)
Foreign Player of the Season: Yuri Alekna (Nowy Orpington) [Somewhereistonia]
Player Who Would Be The Best Subject Of A Comic Reworking Of “Beautiful Freak” by Eels: Narcissus “Beautiful Greek” Theodore (BobBank) [Peisandros]
QNRVPL Players' AwardsPlayer of the Season: Mich Henton (Nowy Orpington) [Rennidan]
Fair Play Award: Makki Kaukonen (Wow!) [Starblaydia]
Most Vigorously Hip-Thrusting Goal Celebration: Roger Longhorn (Blues)
Player We'd Like To Kiss On The Mouth: Marina Sundqvist (Greschmeier) -
2nd awardPlayer We'd Like To Punch In The Mouth: Petr Kot (BobBank)
Season 4 PreviewBobBank FCRegional affiliation: Central
Seasons 1-3: 6, 1, 1
Home ground: BobBank SkyPark, Highmark City (HI). A small, functional indoor arena inside the state-of-the-art BobDome complex, the SkyPark is routinely voted the arena teams most fear visiting.
Sponsor: BobBank (investment bank). Envy-inducingly lucrative, though the nascent thread of anti-trust investigation might see the pursestrings temporarily tightened.
Manager: Courtney Ferguson [Cassadaigua] The QNRVPL's only foreign manager is also its most successful, having won back-to-back titles.
Mascot: Bob the Badger; teaches children about the benefits of stock options.
Captain: Sebastian Hakala. Workmanlike defensive midfielder.
Quodite national team players: Masami Tamagotchi, Hamilton Humperdinck
Foreign players: Lefteris Diakos, Narcissus Theodore [Peisandros], Keith Cassell, Tyson Cadrette [Secristan]
Biggest weakness: Everyone hates them.
Most likely to: Win. Let's face it, they're getting pretty good at it.
Continuation Railway Biscuit Thickness Spray FarmRegional affiliation: Western
Seasons 1-3: 7, -, 6
Home ground: Sniffit Football Stadium. Trust me, don't sniff it.
Sponsor: Super Pop (music). The coolest record label in the country decided to sponsor the team as an ironic gesture. Or it may have been genuine; with hipsters, it's always a little hard to tell.
Manager: None. The team makes all decisions democratically.
Mascot: Whatever they happen to see on this week's solvent high.
Captain: Kirkjubæjarklaustur Hlíðarvegur. Defender, though he rarely plays as his named won't fit on the match programme.
Quodite national team players: None, since Masami Tamagotchi left.
Foreign players: Ooh! Ooh! We have one of those now! Marek Oll [Somewhereistonia]
Biggest weakness: Bad at football.
Most likely to: Stay up in the most jammily contrived circumstances imaginable, probably involving the other team dying of a heart attack. A colllective one.
FC DrongosnortRegional affiliation: Eastern
Seasons 1-3: -, 7, -
Home ground: Holy Immaculate Stadium of Saint Grapefruit the Anomic, Voop (PU). A creaky old stadium with traditional standing terraces, the shops sell deep fried pies, deep fried chips, deep fried chocolate bars and deep fried fat.
Sponsor: Snorticulture (gardening supplies chain). Their huge fanbase meant severing ties with the lucrative but incredibly illegal gambling site qPick wasn't too much of a sacrifice.
Manager: Lechosława Wiśniewski. Pioneer of “total football”, tactical system in which each player is so bad at their own position they might as well play anywhere on the pitch.
Mascot: Ernst the Shrub. He's a shrub, he just sort of sits there, sprouting.
Captain: “The Colonel”. Mysterious midfielder who took power in an armed coup.
Quodite national team players: None, to the intense irritation and occasional anti-Semitic conspiracy theorising anguish of the Drongosnorters.
Foreign players: Lurra, Herronna [Bears Armed]
Biggest weakness: Wildly fluctuating form.
Most likely to: Have a storming run, only to lose under tragic circumstances, probably involving arson.
Eastling RoversRegional affiliation: Southern
Seasons 1-3: 8, -, -
Home ground: Eli F. Baker Memorial Arena. Purpose-built for football, it was something of an embarrassment when the Arena's incumbents were promptly relegated from the QNRVPL in Season 1.
Sponsor: Baker Farms (agriculture). Conglomerate agriculture concern, formerly owned by the late President Eli F. Baker, who first got the country involved in the World Cup.
Manager: Ryan Duncan. Chiefly known for his outrageous
misogeny missogyny mysygyny dun't like girls
Mascot: Stanley the Wifebeater. Don't ask.
Captain: Zack Perz. The youngster left the club when they were relegated, and has now returned the prodigal son, cheeky twat.
Quodite national team players: None.
Foreign players: None.
Biggest weakness: Refusal to hire female players in a country most of whose best players have, well, boobies.
Most likely to: Be immediately relegated and see their captain try to sidle back to BobBank.
Greschmeier Mountain Sports ClubRegional affiliation: Northern
Seasons 1-3: 1, 2, 4
Home ground: Northern Astrodome, Greschmeier (FR). Environmentally conscious arena that faced the humiliation of being submitted for TQCC consideration, only to be beset by Paripanan officials wielding tape measures and tutting with disdain.
Sponsor: Klein & Klein (fashion). The links with Quintessence of Dust's most famous corporation run deep, but Marina Sundqvist's increasingly scant presence on the football field might be leading some to reconsider the cost-benefit analysis of an anorexic second striker.
Manager: Jennifer Fischer. With Biber and Schitthausen running things on the pitch, Fischer has traditionally been more concerned with youth development. That approach has yielded great results in the past, but she can't allow the slide to continue.
Mascot: None – they consider it beneath them, though occasionally they force Biber to don a rather tattered beaver outfit, which he hates.
Captain: Wilhelm Biber. Former national team reserve, and Olympic gold medalist, he has always primarily been a skier, but has come into his own as a stable presence in defensive midfield for the time. May retire soon.
Quodite national team players: Marina Sundqvist, Brikk Schitthausen
Foreign players: Josh Stoker [Secristan]
Biggest weakness: Almost all their players consider football a hobby, a diversion, a passing fancy.
Most likely to: Have a great domestic season, get republicanly dicked on at the international level.
Highmark City BluesRegional affiliation: Central
Seasons 1-3: 4, 4, 3
Home ground: National Stadium of Sports, Highmark (HI). The Reds' relegation mean they once again have the country's largest sports stadium to themselves. At least until rugby season begins.
Sponsor: QSF (freight shipping). Having dropped City Mail, they haven't moved far in terms of sponsor choice, from people who send little things to people who send big things. In a few years they may graduate to people who send enormous things, and try to ally with a mail order lingerie firm. OH SNAP.
Manager: Bo-Christer Nyberg. Increasingly greying player-captain-manager Nyberg is a decent attacking midfielder, a respected captain, and an organized manager – but it's questionable whether he can continue to be all three at the same time for a third season.
Mascot: Chulpan the Hawk. Also chosen to be the mascot of the nation's comically woebegotten Olympic bid, Chulpan is popular with children and furries.
Captain: Bo-Christer Nyberg. See above.
Quodite national team players: None, though Roger Longhorn used to be a regular member. The club has benefitted immensely from his being dropped, and is probably in no hurry to lose someone else.
Foreign players: Alex Tyrony [Taeshan]
Biggest weakness: Having to share their home ground with about 50 other sports clubs.
Most likely to: Have their manager burn out and commit a murder-suicide at the season halfway point, but still end up in the top half of the table.
Nowy Orpington UnitedRegional affiliation: Eastern
Seasons 1-3: 5, 3, 2
Home ground: The Arena of Dreams. Once a derelict mess, it is now considered the most state-of-the-art stadium in the country. However, you can still buy crystal meth in the men's toilets, if you know the right people.
Sponsor: Samseong (electronics) [Daehanjeiguk]. If you're reading this, you know who they are. So, instead I'll use the space to slip in some naughty words poo fart wanker cuntflaps
Manager: Michael Kastner. People keep telling him his beard makes him look like an axe murderer. He tells them it's a magic beard which disappears when they look away. That usually buys him enough time to reach for his axe.
Mascot: Gimpo, the world's only PVC mascot, is a hangover from their sponsorship deal with Eriqa's Erotiqa Emporium.
Captain: Mika Tuomikoski. Average goalkeeper who's been with the club long enough to know where the bodies are buried. (Which made for a nasty surprise during the stadium redesign.)
Quodite national team players: None. They all play for foreign teams – why am I even including this?
Foreign players: Like, the entire squad. Mich Henton, Alexis Clinton [Rennidan], Yuri Alekna, Oleksandr Kersys [Somewhereistonia], Douglas Crawford [Kelssek]
Biggest weakness: Presence of foreign sponsors and players in the rabidly xenophobic Nowy Orpington environs
Most likely to: Lose in a penalty shootout because they've burned all their best players in an impromptu pogrom
Wow! Health & Fitness FCRegional affiliation: Central
Seasons 1-3: 2, 6, 5
Home ground: Wow! Football Park. The halls are bedecked with pictures of bodybuilders who look like a pinprick would burst them, and motivational posters (the club's motto is “Enthusiasm! Energy! Eggplant!”). The artificial surface will fuck your knees up if you fall over.
Sponsor: NutBurst Breakfast Bars (nut bars whose packaging contains more calories, and flavour). The popularity of health foods in Quintessence of Dust has made this a pretty lucrative deal, except for the messianic zeal with which Jensen approaches her promotional role, frequently stopping the match to chase fans she spots snacking in the stands.
Manager: Bang “Electric Blue Snorkel” Bang. Hyperenthusiastic, hyperenergetic, hypereggplantic gym trainer. The team's fall from grace is largely due to his inattention to the transfer market.
Mascot: Doggy Woof Woof. New mascot, after Catty Miao Miao was implicated in a multi-state drug investigation.
Captain: Jessica Jensen. The temperamental midfielder is probably still the best player in the country, and has recently been getting back to top form in order to “show that bitch” [Masami Tamagotchi].
Quodite national team players: Jessica Jensen, Hamilton Humperdinck.
Foreign players: Lysander Galatas [Peisandros], Oscar Vincent [Candelaria And Marquez], Makki Kaukonen [Starblaydia]
Biggest weakness: Steroid rage.
Most likely to: Be chosen as favourite by all the pundits, then end up avoiding relegation on goal difference.
Moo Maid Top LeagueEastling Rovers won a surprise Top League title to earn promotion back to the QNRVPL, from which they were the first team to be unceremoniously dumped, back in Season 1. Defender Arsi Sandell continued the tradition of prodigies whose marketability is severely hampered by their parents' naming choices, starring in a tight defensive line. Lurra, unhampered by such considerations, performed a similar role for
FC Drongosnort, who also won promotion but couldn't keep up with the Rovers in the title race.
Ippi-ippi-ippi-ippi once again beat
Casuistic Athletic by a narrow margin, meaning Top League MVP Bob Carter might not get a chance to show off his amazing banana free-kicks in the SBCC, though that won't stop him showing off his amazing bana
STOP RIGHT THEREThe Actuarial Tables were back to fifth, and seem destined for MTO (mid table obscurity/oblivion/osteoporosis) until they hire some players worth randomly generating names for. Oh, alright then: their defensive midfielder is called...Zbigniew Klingon. And their goalkeeper is called Fred. The newly promoted union league side,
Part-Time Baristas, Part-Time Film Students Co-operative Union managed to lay off the Mauwie Wauwie and haunting death pop long enough to avoid relegation. Sadly, for a third successive season, the same was not true for the Colonies, this time represented by
Oignons Verts. On the upside, they
didn't make a four hour documentary about their season shot entirely inside a large fish tank.
Perhaps the biggest disappointment was seeing the
Rahlia Regals relegated, though Arlo Cockbadger's deteriorating mental health made it a distinct possibillybunter from the season's first game (which he attended naked, despite it being held at the sub-Antarctic Eli F. Baker Memorial Arena, prompting a round of press coverage entirely devoted to some unusual statistical speculation). The
entire squad, including internationals Ronald Johnson and Yua Yua Huang, decided to exercise their relegation clause, while Benny Chang became the second national goalkeeper to retire in his early 20s, to concentrate on his golf game (Winchester Furman having retired to concentrate on creamcakes). They will be replaced next season by
3,4,4,5-tetramethylcyclohexa-2,5-dienone FC from the highly regarded chemical engineering division of the union leagues, and Colonial side
FC Violences Conjugales.
.Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Eastling Rovers 14 8 4 2 22 12 10 28 P, SBCC
2 FC Drongosnort 14 6 6 2 20 16 4 24 P, SBCC
3 Ippi-ippi-ippi-ippi 14 5 8 1 19 12 7 23 SBCC
4 Casuistic Athletic 14 5 4 5 21 16 5 19 (SBCC)
5 The Actuarial Tables 14 4 3 7 23 22 1 15
6 PTBPTFSCU 14 4 5 5 20 20 0 17
7 Rahlia Regals 14 3 4 7 14 30 -16 13 R
8 Oignons Verts 14 2 4 8 13 24 -11 10 R
So:TQCC: BobBank FC, Nowy Orpington United
Globe Cup: Highmark City Blues, Greschmeier MSC, Wow! Health & Fitness FC
SBCC: Eastling Rovers, FC Drongosnort, Ippi-ippi-ippi-ippi, Casuistic Athletic (to be dropped if we only have 3 places)
Stadium bids: None you big meanies :(