Part One,
Part TwoThis Is A Crazy Planets, Part 3So after they executed that poor referee for failing to bow before a statue of Lord Almighty Gregory and forgetting his papers somewhere, the authorities finally found a new, replacement referee, and the match between Abanhfleft and Jachaelter can finally get underway. As I sat there watching our boys demolish our opponents with a flurry of touchdowns and field goals, a concessionaire came up on my aisle, selling--you wouldn't believe this--gruel rations! No, seriously! This guy was selling bowls of gruel on his front and on his back, ready to sell them "for the absolutely bargain price of just 25 greggygodbucks!" Oh, man, that was a bargain I wasn't walking away from. So yeah, I bought some gruel and began eating it. And then, while the Democratic Republic scored yet another touchdown, I had this very crazy idea. I took out my three-fourths-empty bag of caramelized popcorn and dumped what remained of it into the gruel. I scooped up a spoonful, made sure that I got some popcorn in there, and dropped the mix into my mouth. And while I wasn't really sure of the flavors I was experiencing, or what I was even supposed to experience in the first place, but by God it was psychedelic! What I wouldn't give to try this again...
It was Abanhfleft's off-day on the next day, and I was curious about these matches, because I've heard these stories about those who'd watched the earlier games, and they'd said that they saw all kinds of crazy shit like a flagpole falling on the goalposts, and some guy stealing some players' helmets and putting "heathens" on them. The funny thing was that the guy was even given a reward for, and I quote, "putting the heathens in their place." That's some next-level crazy shit going on in there, and boy would I love to see that and give that to my editor. Poor old sod would shit himself right where he sat. He he he, time to watch the craziest shit of my life...
And right when I decided to watch three straight matches in one day, that was the day when nothing crazy or remotely close to it happened on the gridiron. What the fuck. Boo,
soli bayad! (
Give me back my money!) I was told to expect crazy, life-changing shit, but what I got was some cheap show of some singer stepping on dogshit and getting executed for it, along with her family. And then the game was held up yet again as one of the cleaners also stepped on dogshit, and had to be executed along with the rest of his family too. What a shame this was the highlight of the day. Man, I feel so cheated. This isn't even good enough to send to my editor...
At least things began to heat up the day after. And by heating up, I meant it very literally. The first game of the day, between Serbian Orthodox Church and New Greek Republic, had to be delayed because Gregoryisgodistanis had set fire to the Serbians' locker room, forcing an evacuation of the site. Eventually firefighters put it out and the game was allowed to continue. And once again, the guys who set fire to the locker room were rewarded with 42,000 greggygodbucks for starting the fire and quote-unquote, "disrupting the heathens." But I don't think they were disrupted enough, as the Serbians won over the Greeks 22-14.
Ah, finally, some fun for Abanhfleft's game against The Urain. Fans poured prune juice onto the field, although for what purpose I have no idea. Anyway, they were "wasting rations graciously given to [them] by the Lord Almighty Gregory," and therefore all of them were executed on the 50-yard line along with their families. Man, Gregoryisgodistan has some kind of wicked birth control to keep their population at 75 million. Dang!
Now that my demands for crazy happenings had finally been sated, I was eager for more. The next day I woke up, eager to go on a football marathon once again, accompanied by my trusty caramelized popcorn and gruel. I was buying so much from the concessionaire that I had suspicions that I was quickly becoming his primary source of income. At least the game between the Democratic Republic and Atornas was exciting to say the least. Some fan decided to pull the fire alarm, forcing the evacuation of the entire stadium. Once the authorities discovered that it was just a prank, the fan was quickly discovered and executed along with his family. I'll be missing you, prankster man. Honestly. After that excitement, our boys on the gridiron gave us a whopper of a game, blowing out the opposition with a score of 47 to Atornas's puny 9. And then when it came time for the Serbian Orthodox Church to play once again, fans stepped onto to pitch and began burning books. Later on I found out that those books were copies of the Holy Book of the Serbian Orthodox Church, so basically they were bibles. Once again, I'm all for freedom of religion and freedom from religion, but sometimes I think book burnings are taking it a tad too extreme. You wouldn't want to tempt fate by burning a holy book only for a rainstorm to arrive, and then you get struck by lightning. Not worth the risk of exercising your freedom of expression. Well, at least they got 55,000 greggygodbucks for tempting fate. I wish I could be as brave for the money...
Ah, finally, the mid-tourney break! Time to rest this body of mine, and flush out the gruel-caramel mix that had refused to move out of my intestines... Ah, that's much better.
...And the quarterfinals are upon us! Abanhfleft have made it into this stage, and we are facing some country named Bongo Johnson. Whatever, man. We're out to win it. But before that, I watched the first game of the quarters on the telly. Well, at least I tried to watch it because after the goalposts got blown over by a peculiarly strong wind--shoddy construction right there, that wouldn't stand up to the Democratic Republic Building Code--the match was an absolute snorer. Laiyenda managed to get away with the win from the Serbian Orthodox, probably because the Serbs didn't have their main source of inspiration and morale: Gregoryisgodistanis calling them "heathens" and disrespecting their religion.
When it came time to play the game between Abanhfleft and Bongo Johnson, the game had to be delayed yet again after goats from the FunFest outside of the stadium somehow managed to escape their holding pens and run onto the field. Handlers had to run around trying to recapture the goats, and all this chasing around lasted all of 19 minutes. And boy, did the Democratic Republic deliver. They made four touchdowns, and sensing that their opponents were not taking them seriously, they went for the two-point conversions. Bongo Johnson couldn't even reply convincingly to our salvos, managing only a touchdown and a field goal. And with that, Abanhfleft was off to the semifinals.
For the semifinals we'll be facing some country named Aredshan. Already I can taste the finals. But I could also taste the caramel mixed with gruel, because I'd been eating that shit as my breakfast, lunch, and dinner for what, a week now. And I really can't wait for whatever kind of crazy shit the planet has got cooking for us in the semis.
Man, I love this crazy planets.
To be continued...