Baptism of Iron XVI Everything Thread (IC)

[Aredshan]

Times of Aredshan

Today's sport issue features a unique perspective of BoI match by resident expert Bobby Pints.

BEASTS WINNERS FOR FIRST TIME; FANS CHEER!
by BOBBY PINTS | Aug 24, 2012

DEFAHAN, AREDSHAN- Jesus, they won! I mean, nobody really expected them to win, mind you but they still won! Did I mention it's a complete surprise to see the Beasts win yet? No? Well, it is! Let me tell you all about it...

The Beasts geared up for their game with the Neu Engollon (Ibex), usual formation and the same guys as before. Nicholas Nagoftam was also there, so maybe the rumours that were spreading about his pacifist missus forcing him to quit were not really trustworthy. Unreliable rumours, that's new!

Anyway, we were all pretty disheartened from our disastrous first match so when fans heard about the Beasts "gearing up", nobody really thought about invincible beasts preparing to munch their way to success. No, they probably all thought of manly hens starting a rebellion against foxes. More disaster waiting to happen, in other words.

The game started, and the rather aggressive Neu Engollon team quickly got the upper-hand. Like I said, nobody from our side had any high hopes. First a field goal that our defense failed to stop, then a safety in just under ten minutes.

Turns out you can still weep of hopelessness even if you don't have any hopes. Then by Celest- I mean Jesus, magic happened! The tides quickly changed much to the surprise of wide-eyed viewers in Aredshan, and the Beasts got a touch-down and a two-point hit on the Ibex. That put us straight at 8-5, on the winning side!

Barely a couple minutes had passed, and the rival team repaid the favour by scoring a safety but even that wasn't enough as the unexpectedly charged Beasts managed a field goal and their very first safety in the course of the Baptism of Iron. We directly landed at 13-7, again on the winning side!

That's when the game drew to an end, with the Beasts' very first international win. I don't know about Khazan City or Bluemends, but here in Defahan (that's our capital, for you foreign folk) we're rocking hard! Parties everywhere! It was hard to nudge myself away from the constant festivities to write this but lucky you!

It was a surreal experience, partying for the team you counted on to lose but won. We're no longer at the bottom of the list either, off from seventh place to fifth.

To the Neu Engollons following us, you played brilliantly! I personally admire the skill Ibex has shown so far in the Baptism of Iron.

Time to bring this to an end, since you guys who missed the match are now caught up as well like the rest of us. Great, isn't it? Gals too I suppose. Sheesh, to think some people call me sexist when it comes to football.

I know it can be boring when I'm not there but you can always check out my pal Zivar Norlands' upcoming interview with the man who's behind our surprisingly capable football team. Till next match! Cheers!

----
Bobby Pints is thirty years old, and a respected member of the Pins Club of Aredshan. His unique humour has made him popular amongst readers of the Times of Aredshan.

Aredshani Beasts Play Schedule: Group D: -Week 1: Beasts vs. United States of Devonta (Lost 0-7) -Week 2: BYE -Week 3: Beasts vs. Neu Engollon (Won 13-7) -Week 4: Beasts vs. Bzakstan -Week 5: Beasts vs. Christian Isles -Week 6: Beasts vs. Patistan -Week 7: Beasts vs. The Sarian

Standings: Group D (Wins, Losses, Points) 1 Neu Engollon (2, 1, 6) 2 United States of Devonta (2, 1, 6) 3 Christian Isles (1, 1, 3) 4 Patistan (1, 1, 3) 5 Aredshan (1, 1, 3) 6 Bzakstan (1, 2, 3) 7 The Sarian (1, 2, 3)

Note from the Editor: We'd like to express our apologies to the Christian Isles for accidentally omitting their name on the Group D listing in our last issue.

[Bongo Johnson]

Bongosphere™

@Supakit55 uh oh #BoI, Bongo Johnson loves that dirty water.....#ISBJ 4 hours ago

@freddy_mac haha if this were any other place i'd say i can't believe it but....#gregoryisgodistanisaniceplace #butalsonotgreatatbuildingthings 4 hours ago

@OfficialBJFA Bongo Johnson's matchday three game has been delayed due to a field issue. Match will resume in one hour! 4 hours ago

@w1nl0ss COME ON BONGO WE NEED MORE TDSSSSSSSSSSSS #ISBJ #BoI 3 hours ago

@nikifreeze102 heh im really only watching this because the quarterback is so cute....like marry me pls 3 hours ago

@OfficialBJFA Halftime! Bongo Johnson is leading 21-0. 3 hours ago

...........>>>LOAD MORE<<<...........


Bongo Johnson wins water-logged duel 29-7
by sportswriter Roy Stepmax

The guys were able to shake off last weeks loss in the Baptism of Iron in a big way by beating Vjaalsburg 29-7. The game was delayed an hour due to a water main spraying water onto the playing surface. Once the game got underway, the quarterback battle was determined early as Bongo Johnson scored for 3 TDs in the first quarter. From then on, it became an intense defensive battle with Bongo Johnson scoring a team record two safeties in one game. A late TD scored by Vjaalsburg was immediately responded to with a touchdown of Bongo Johnson's own, however the kicker inexplicably missed the extra point kick, probably because he got scared and pooped himself. There are some pretty angry looking Vjaalsburg players. Damn. Bongo Johnson moves up to 2-1 in the group and is now in second place behind Laiyenda, who shares the same record with ISBJ but breaks the tie on point differential. Who will win this exciting Group A?

[Abanhfleft]

Part one of a series

(OOC: I apologize in advance for the high amount of swearing in this post. It's part of my characterization of my narrating character for this series.)

Being a journalist can be very exciting, but sometimes it can also be very scary. Take me for example. I'm a sports journalist, which usually means that all I have to do is watch a game, try to stay awake if it's football/soccer, praise the winning team if they did very well, insult the losing team if they didn't do such a good job of playing, and submit my copy to the editors, where they'll immediately send it back to me and tell me "clean this shit up!" Yeah, that's life for a journalist. That's why I also began writing an editorial column whenever the broadsheets have any space left in their sports sections, and the good thing about being editorials is that no one gives a shit about what you're writing, and their only concern is proper grammar and correct spelling.

So when my editor called me and decided to send me to some country called Gregoryisgodistan without asking for my opinion, I was not very sure on how to play this. I haven't heard of this place, so of course I had to do some research, and by research I mean Google. I found out that this place was ruled by some guy named Gregory, who thinks that he is a god of some kind, and therefore demands worship from his subjects. There's also a lot of illegal shit in Gregoryisgodistan that is not even questionably legal in Abanhfleft, like this ban against saying the word "coconut." I mean, how fucking stupid is that shit? Oh, sure, I gotta watch what I say, and that's doubly true here in Gregoryisgodistan. One false slip such as forgetting your official tournament press person papers while saying "coconut," and your ass is fucking toast.

Apparently the reason why I'm here in Gregoryisgodstan is this tournament called the "Baptism of Iron." It's apparently for all first-time participants of the World Bowl, which is a universe-wide American football tournament. All right, that's a thing. I know shit-all about American football. Put me in a basketball tournament and I'm fucking self-sufficient. Put me in a footie tourney and I can find my way back home after it's all over. Put me in an American football tournament, and you might as well just plop me in the middle of an erupting volcano. I can't survive that shit. But my editor has selected me for the job, and that means I have to do it, whether I like it or not.

On the charter flight to Gregoryisgodistan, I read up on American football rules as much as possible. All of my knowledge about this sport pre-Baptism of Iron all came from The Longest Yard (the Adam Sandler remake, not the Burt Reynolds original), and being as it is a movie, I have to take everything it showed me with a pinch of salt. The good thing was, when we finally landed at our destination, I knew the basic of the game, like how scoring was more than just touchdowns. The bad thing was that I would absolutely get murdered if I tried to play the game, knowing what I know now.

The starting ceremony was the usual gaudy affair celebrating all the positives of the host nation without ever bothering to mention any negatives. Singers sang praises for their great Gregory, and I love to boast that I did not even bother waking up during this part of the ceremony. Of course, I had to wear a big plastic-laminated ID with the word PRESS in big red letters to prevent being arrested and "dickapitated" (WTF?) by this country's police force. A few days later, Abanhfleft faced off against some country called The New Greek Republic. We immediately got off to a good start, with Dimitri Faure scoring a touchdown. Faure scored yet another touchdown in the second quarter, and Gregory Zarko (who is coincidentally named after the Gregoryisgodistan's deity, and therefore is referred to as just Zarko) landed another TD in the third. Only in the fourth quarter did the Greeks show some sign of life, with Titus Johnson scoring a touchdown, and then a safety when the Greeks tackled Phil Masterson before he could even get out of Abanhfleft's end zone. But the Democratic Republic struck the final nail in the Greeks' coffin when Carl Calebson scored a field goal from 32 yards.

The next game was a forgettable affair in terms of scoring, but it was certainly eventful. Two fans began shouting "coconut" during the Baptism of Iron anthem, and therefore the game had to be delayed for thirty minutes while they and their families were rounded up, tried, and executed right there on the gridiron. It took five minutes alone to clean up the blood on the field. It wasn't a very good sight to see. Although in sports you can see a lot of blood and broken bones and all sorts of other disgusting injuries, nothing will ever beat a live execution in terms of the ick factor. It must have affected the players, too, because they weren't playing as good as they should have been. Both teams failed to score for two quarters, and then Star United States finally ended the deadlock by virtue of their tailback scoring a touchdown. But then Phil Masterson immediately equalized by scoring a TD of his own. Then, in the final seconds of the fourth quarter, on fourth and twenty, Carl Calebson, once again demonstrating his soccer background, scored another field goal to give Abanhfleft the win.

After the game ended, I got a call from my editor. His name was Gregory Alanis, and he could give even Scrooge a run for his money with his uber-cheapness. I sighed as I hit the ANSWER CALL button. "Yeah?" I sighed once again.

"Where's your courtside reports, dammit!" Gregory shouted into my ear. "You've been in that country for a week and you haven't sent one damned copy to my desk!"

"I did send you my copy, sir," I replied through gritted teeth. "It should be either in your email inbox or your actual inbox."

"My actual inbox? You actually snail-mailed your copy? Hello, is anyone in that thing on top of your neck you call a head? Think, man, think!"

Goddamn you to hell, old man, I thought aloud in my mind. Instead I sent, "I also sent you an email, sir."

"An email? Didn't anyone tell you that someone hacked my inter-paper email account and began sending pictures of their naked genitals to all the women in the paper? I fucking deleted that account and made a new one, smartass! That means I don't have your copy when I should have gotten it! Now I have to rely on that lazy-ass couch potato Davidson for all our paper's reports about that fire baptism or whatever the hell it is! You better give me something, and soon, or else Davidson's taking your place as sportswriter, and you're gonna be out of a job!" And with that he slammed down the phone.

"Fuck you too, asshole," I muttered to the ringing phone. "Damn that Gregory!" I shouted, and as soon as the words slipped out of my mouth I regretted it. The people outside the stadium began moving, nay running, away from me, as if I carried some kind of super-infectious disease. Immediately after that thought crossed my mind, something big and heavy struck me in the middle of my abdomen, and I went down without a fight. "You are under arrest for calling damnation upon the Lord Almighty Gregory!" someone blasted into my ear once again. "You are hereby sentenced to immediate execution!"

"Wait, wait, wait a minute!" I shouted. "Press person! Democratic Republic of Abanhfleft! I have papers! In my pocket!" I felt hands groping around in my pockets, until finally I felt a thick stack of papers being pulled from them. As I was hauled up to my feet, I saw one of the policemen, whose name tag said 76TUY852P, reading the papers, scrutinizing them. "Press person, eh?" he asked me. "All right, let him go," he ordered his two subordinates, who were holding me up. "He's not a subject of the Lord Almighty Gregory." They looked at me for one moment, and then they began removing the handcuffs on my wrists.

"All right, you can go now, foreigner," Policeman 76TUY852P said, "but never say what you said once again here in Lord Almighty Gregory's realm. Next time, we may not be so lenient." And with that ultimatum, the three policemen left me behind, and soon I was caught up in a human wave seeking to get out of the stadium. Everything happened so quickly that I could never have prepared myself to deal with it before I could have executed.

Truly, this was a crazy planets.

To be continued...

[Gregoryisgodistan]

Cutoff time. Who will win today? Find out after this important message.

Do you know a gruel flushing fiend? Does your family member, friend or neighbor flush gruel down the toilet? If so, call the Gruel Flushing Fiend hotline at 1-800-GRUEL-FF - that's 800-478-3533 - and report this gruel flushing fiend. Gruel flushing fiends get 10 years of slave labor, but you will get a 10,000 greggygodbuck reward for reporting this fiend. Remember - flushing gruel isn't cool.

Edit: And results

Group A
Laiyenda 7–0 Democratic Donesia
Vjaalsburg 3–12 North Britonisea
Fothhanu 3–27 Bongo Johnson Game delayed for 57 minutes after someone stole the referees' uniforms. The thief was then caught and executed on the field before the game along with his family.

Group A                     Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 Laiyenda                      4   3  1   62  20 +42    9
2 Bongo Johnson                 4   3  1   78  42 +36    9
3 North Britonisea              4   3  1   45  33 +12    9
4 Fothhanu                      3   2  1   37  57 −20    6
5 Democratic Donesia            3   1  2   43  44  −1    3
6 Vjaalsburg                    3   0  3   27  61 −34    0
7 Dobbsland                     3   0  3   14  49 −35    0

Group B
Star United States 30–14 Atornas Game delayed for 29 minutes after giant flag of Star United States broke off flagpole during the national anthems and landed on top of goalposts. The grounds crew needed a crane to take it down.
Serbian Orthodox Church 13–20 The Urain Game delayed for 53 minutes after Gregoryisgodistani citizen stole Serbian Orthodox Church's helmets from the locker room and replaced them with helmets saying "Heathens." The citizen received a 1,000 greggygodbuck reward for putting heathens in their place, but was forced to give the helmets back.
Jaechelter 0–47 Abanhfleft Game started 81 minutes late, in part due to the delay in the last game and in part because the original referee was executed for failing to bow to a statue of Lord Almighty Gregory outside the stadium and forgetting his papers to prove he was there for the tournament. Eventually, a new referee was summoned.

Group B                     Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 Abanhfleft                    4   3  1   90  32 +58    9
2 The Urain                     4   3  1   73  38 +35    9
3 Serbian Orthodox Church       3   2  1   36  29  +7    6
4 The New Greek Republic        3   2  1   39  38  +1    6
5 Star United States            4   1  3   40  73 −33    3
6 Jaechelter                    3   1  2   20  57 −37    3
7 Atornas                       3   0  3   21  52 −31    0

Group C
Globus 3–13 Vankelland Islands Game started 79 minutes late after stadium was evacuated due to bomb threat. As there was no bomb, the 16-year old prankster who called in the bomb threat was executed before the match along with his family.
Ayank 3–14 Dead Names
Gregory Llama Land 36–10 Free Swiss States

Group C                     Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 Gregory Llama Land            3   3  0   95  30 +65    9
2 Silver Beach                  3   3  0   61  10 +51    9
3 Vankelland Islands            3   2  1   36  32  +4    6
4 Free Swiss States             4   2  2   36  59 −23    6
5 Dead Names                    4   1  3   51  70 −19    3
6 Globus                        4   1  3   32  66 −34    3
7 Ayank                         3   0  3   16  60 −44    0

Group D
Bzakstan 0–27 Aredshan Game delayed by 5 minutes due to streaker. The streaker was dickapitated and castrated by a pervert chaser in the middle of the field before being taken off for an execution in the town square.
Christian Isles 13–0 United States of Devonta
Patistan 29–0 The Sarian Game started two hours late after the car taking the referees to the field got stuck in traffic caused by the public execution of the streaker and his family.

Group D                     Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 Christian Isles               3   2  1   48  10 +38    6
2 Patistan                      3   2  1   48  17 +31    6
3 Aredshan                      3   2  1   40  14 +26    6
4 Neu Engollon                  3   2  1   44  30 +14    6
5 United States of Devonta      4   2  2   17  36 −19    6
6 Bzakstan                      4   1  3   20  49 −29    3
7 The Sarian                    4   1  3   20  81 −61    3

[Silver Beach]

Lulika City Post
A fresh look at Silver Beach halfway through the group stage

The Silverian national team has a perfect bye week, sandwiched right in the middle week of the schedule, so they’ve played three games, then had a bye week, and then play 3 more games. The group stage takes 7 weeks, with games happening on 7 consecutive Fridays for the Baptism of Iron. Silver Beach has looked like the team to beat in Group C, outscoring their opponents by a combined 61-10 in riding to a 3-0 record to start group play in the Baptism of Iron.

The Defense

The defense has been the best unit, by far, of the Silverian national football team over the course of the 1st half of the group stage. Only the top two in each group of 7 advance, and if Silver Beach continues its pace and advances out of the group, it will have their defense to thank. In their first three games, they have allowed 10 total points, or an average of 3.33 points per game- not much more than a field goal. After pitching a shutout in their first ever game, the second team defense allowed a touchdown in garbage time when the team was already up 24-0 in the 4th quarter during the second game, while only allowing 3 points in the third game.

The defense has been stepping up throughout the entire Baptism of Iron, and it looks like Silver Beach will be riding the defense if they hope to capture glory during the Baptism of Iron. They have one of the top scoring defenses in the Baptism of Iron, and they are up there in total defense, rush defense, pass defense, etc… Every category that one can think of. This defense is playing brilliantly, and they are why Silver Beach is having early success.

The Offense

The offense is a big question mark. They have been inconsistent, looking brilliant when they are firing on all cylinders, and yet looking awful when they are not doing well. There is no in between for this inconsistent offense, though that is expected of a brand new team, where Silver Beach has never performed at this type of level before. There were big worries in the first game, when the offense could only sputter out one drive that ended in points(a field goal), and could not move the ball well at all.

In the second game, Dorian Zwarha had found his grove, and it looked like the Silverian offense was rolling on all cylinders. Zwarha had three touchdown passes in the 2nd game, and with a 24-0 lead over halfway through the 4th quarter, was able to rest for the 2nd team unit. The offense was clicking during the second game, and though he had thrown a red zone interception, the Silverian offense was able to move the ball up and down the field, causing excitement in Silver Beach if their team is really the best of the newcomers in this year’s Baptism of Iron.

In the third game however, the offense look stalled once again, showing their inconsistency. They only scored 13 points in their third games, though they showed their capability of hitting the big play when their only touchdown was a 3rd and short 53 yard touchdown throw by Dorian Zwarha. They did score on three straight drives in the 3rd quarter, which was enough for them to win the game.

Special Teams

They have looked strong through the Baptism of Iron, though they had an ugly performance in Silver Beach’s lone blowout victory of the tournament with the kicker missing two field goals, even though they were long distances of 47 and 51 yards. He has had a solid tournament, going 4/6 with a long of 52 in their last game. All of Silver Beach’s points in their opening match came from the special teams units, with a punt return for a touchdown and a field goal block return for a touchdown.

Overview

Seeing the dominating performances that the Silverian defense has put up lately, there seems no way to be able to stop Silver Beach from advancing through the group stages. Gregory Llama Land seems to be putting up similarly good performances in their group as well, and they seemed destined to meet in Week 7 with the winner of the group on the line. That will be their first true away atmosphere of the tournament, as many Gregory Llama Land fans have travelled to Gregoryisgodistan for the tournament. However, as long as their defense can remain consistently good and their offense can start being consistent, Silver Beach is destined to go a very long way in the Baptism of Iron.

[Aredshan]

Times of Aredshan

Today's sport issue (Issue #3) features an exclusive take on the recent happenings in the Baptism of Iron XVI by the Sports Crew.

The forthcoming game with the Christian Isles will be covered in Issue #4 by readers' favourite Bobby Pints.

BEASTS TOP THREE; SURPRISE EXECUTIONS GALORE!
by the Sports Crew | Aug 25, 2012

GREGORYISGODISTAN- Shortly before the highly anticipated match between the Bzakstan and the Beasts began, game attenders watched in shock as a streaker was castrated right in the middle of the playing field and dragged off the stadium. Witnesses say that the man was later executed in the city's main square.

Jalab Khavar, a 24 years old Aredshani law student, was one of the attendees at the game in Gregoryisgodistan.

"Whoa! Look at that [censored] go!" Khavar cheered standing up from his seat. "Now that's a clean chop!"

After the shock of the incident wore off, the game started with a five minute delay.

Bzakstan was surprisingly defeated by the Beasts with 27 points (0-27) and the match catapulted the Beasts from 5th place in Group D to 3rd just behind the Christian Isles and Patistan. It is the first time as well that the Beasts' defenses endured every offensive from their opponent.

Despite the initial disappointment that came from the Beasts' complete loss in its first play on the Baptism of Iron, fans are now once more cheering for their favourite team with renewed hope from the two consequential victories.

The upcoming play with the Christian Isles, leader of Group D, has left football-lovers in Aredshan both worried and excited.

Head-coach of the Beasts, Juzzer Murian, has wished the Christian Isles luck with the game. "No matter who wins, it'll be a tough game for sure." Murian said to Times of Aredshan.

Update: The Times of Aredshan was forced to censor the choice word of Jalab Khavar after a protest by zombies was staged in front of its offices in Defahan. Their leader stated the reason: "Tttthinkk of Children Braaaaaaiiiiiinnnns!"

----
The Sports Crew is comprised of Eleanore Shaffaf, Zachary Tekels, Kris Straight, and Angela Mailov. All of them are experts regarding the politics of sports and are employed by the Times of Aredshan.

Aredshani Beasts Play Schedule: Group D: -Week 1: Beasts vs. United States of Devonta (Lost 0-7) -Week 2: BYE -Week 3: Beasts vs. Neu Engollon (Won 13-7) -Week 4: Beasts vs. Bzakstan (Won 27-0) -Week 5: Beasts vs. Christian Isles -Week 6: Beasts vs. Patistan -Week 7: Beasts vs. The Sarian

Standings: Group D (Wins, Losses, Points) 1 Christian Isles ( 2, 1, 6) 2 Patistan (2, 1, 6) 3 Aredshan (2, 1 6) 4 Neu Engollon (2, 1, 6) 5 United States of Devonta (2, 2, 6) 6 Bzakstan (1, 3, 3) 7 The Sarian (1, 3, 3)

[Patistan]

The Story of Mohaco Santiago

Part 2

The whistle blew and Mohaco helped the Patistani team win another match. This match was against The Sarian,the final score was 29-0. Mohaco was happy with himself but the match was last thing on his mind cause today he was going to kill someone. Yes thats why Mohaco was so happy when he found out the Baptism of Iron would be in Gregoryisgodistan,he would kill as many people as he could without getting caught...cause what GGS did to him,that would never leave his mind and he wanted the citizens of GGS to be afraid of someone.

It was 8:30 when Mohaco left the hotel secretly. He double checked that he had his "special papers" which would protect him from Gregoryisgodistan's idiotic laws. Mohaco thought about buying something though to kill the random person he would find. He did exactly that,he went to a hardware store and bought the rod bar he could with the Greddybucks that were given to him on arrival. With the small amount of money remaining he bought a black coat so that he coudn't be recognized.

He hid in a alley waiting for a man,anyone to arrive so he could pound them to death. The voice in the back of Mohaco's head told him that this was wrong,that he shoudn't do this. He tried to ignore that voice but it finally overcame him,he got out of the alley and started walking back to the hotel,on his way he saw someone in the dark. When that person's face finally became visible Mohaco stopped and just stared as that person walked towards him...

The person looked liked the solider that he saw the day when GGS attacked Hicana,the solider that was in his room,the solider that killed his mom and younger brother. Something took control of Mohaco that second and he grabbed that person and threw him into the wall of a building. Mohaco didnt let the guy get up,Mohaco charged up to him and started punching him everywhere he could. He wanted to stop but his body didn't,he finally then took the rod bar he had and smashed it into the guys stomach.

He was finished after that,he checked for a pulse but he knew that it was futile. He put his hand in the guys pocket and found a metal device,it looked like a tracking device for some reason. He checked the back of it and saw the name of the guy he just murdered John "Prune Farmer 9RT5648DSDR". He killed a innocent guy...panic took over Mohaco at that moment,he ran like he never ran before he left the rod bar there. Mohaco started crying when he reached the hotel,he didnt want to turn into this guy. He hated himself for doing that.

He just went inside the hotel and slept,dreaming about the game against Nue Engollon that would take place tomorrow.

To be continued

[Gregoryisgodistan]

IT'S PEANUT BUTTER CUTOFF TIME!
PEANUT BUTTER CUTOFF TIME!
PEANUT BUTTER CUTOFF!
PEANUT BUTTER CUTOFF!
PEANUT BUTTER CUTOFF WITH A BASEBALL BAT!

[Gregoryisgodistan]

And results

Group A
North Britonisea 30–3 Fothhanu Game delayed for 29 minutes after grounds crew member accidentally kicked duck that flew onto field and was executed along with his family. The duck was not hurt.
Democratic Donesia 14–7 Vjaalsburg
Dobbsland 7–44 Laiyenda

Group A                     Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 Laiyenda                      5   4  1  106  27 +79   12
2 North Britonisea              5   4  1   75  36 +39   12
3 Bongo Johnson                 4   3  1   78  42 +36    9
4 Democratic Donesia            4   2  2   57  51  +6    6
5 Fothhanu                      4   2  2   40  87 −47    6
6 Vjaalsburg                    4   0  4   34  75 −41    0
7 Dobbsland                     4   0  4   21  93 −72    0

Group B
The Urain 33–9 Jaechelter
Atornas 0–21 Serbian Orthodox Church Game delayed for 62 minutes after national anthem singer stepped in dog poop on the field and was executed along with her family. Then, grounds crew tried to clean up the dog poop but one of them stepped in it and he was executed along with his family. Finally, they removed the poop.
The New Greek Republic 12–7 Star United States

Group B                     Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 The Urain                     5   4  1  106  47 +59   12
2 Abanhfleft                    4   3  1   90  32 +58    9
3 Serbian Orthodox Church       4   3  1   57  29 +28    9
4 The New Greek Republic        4   3  1   51  45  +6    9
5 Star United States            5   1  4   47  85 −38    3
6 Jaechelter                    4   1  3   29  90 −61    3
7 Atornas                       4   0  4   21  73 −52    0

Group C
Dead Names 10–23 Gregory Llama Land
Vankelland Islands 9–9 Ayank (9–12 OT)
Silver Beach 33–6 Globus Game delayed for 99 minutes after Gregyear Tires blimp made emergency crash landing on field before erupting in flames. The pilot was taken to the hospital but survived.

Group C                     Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 Gregory Llama Land            4   4  0  118  40 +78   12
2 Silver Beach                  4   4  0   94  16 +78   12
3 Vankelland Islands            4   2  2   45  44  +1    6
4 Free Swiss States             4   2  2   36  59 −23    6
5 Dead Names                    5   1  4   61  93 −32    3
6 Ayank                         4   1  3   28  69 −41    3
7 Globus                        5   1  4   38  99 −61    3

Group D
United States of Devonta 3–28 Patistan Game opened with moment of silence for Prune Farmer 9RT5648DSDR, who was murdered outside the Patistani hotel the night before. The fans became suspicious and threw rocks at the Patistani players. They each received a 10,000 greggygodbuck reward.
Aredshan 13–3 Christian Isles
Neu Engollon 29–3 Bzakstan

Group D                     Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 Patistan                      4   3  1   76  20 +56    9
2 Neu Engollon                  4   3  1   73  33 +40    9
3 Aredshan                      4   3  1   53  17 +36    9
4 Christian Isles               4   2  2   51  23 +28    6
5 United States of Devonta      5   2  3   20  64 −44    6
6 Bzakstan                      5   1  4   23  78 −55    3
7 The Sarian                    4   1  3   20  81 −61    3

Nations in red have been eliminated.

[Christian Isles]

Another Bad Loss For The Blue Jays

After the Astounding win against The Sarian and a good win against Devonta, could not pull off a victory vs Ardeshan. Head coach Phillis Marcum recently told us via skype, "Our defense is doing great, but our offense needs to improve. We are making mental mistakes and we need to fix those going into our next game in this tournament."

Christian Daily

[The Urain]

The Uraini team has pulled off a Blackout!
*plays "Blackout" by Breathe Carolina, "Blackout" by Muse, and "Blackout" by Linkin Park simultaneously*

First, a 10-7 victory, with a great interception and touchdown from the center. Fantastic play.

Then, we lost the second game, but not terribly. Just 18-14.

Then- this is the part where you cue that music again- a 29-0 game on Star United, putting the Urain at the top of the group chart!

More to come.

[Laiyenda]

"Mr. President, Ms. Martha Dawn is here to see you." Said President Snow's assistant.

"Delightful, send her in." The Secretary of State was President Snows favorite of the cabinet, she was a wonderful lady, and on some days she could really brighten the darkest of times.

As she walked briskly into the room President Snow found out this was NOT one of those days.

"How may I help you Ms. Dawn?" President Snow cheerfully asked the secretary.

"I need to discuss the Baptism of Iron with you."

"Pardon me, but I don't see where gridiron football fits in your wheel house."

"It is about Gregoryisgodistan."

President Snow's face turned stern. "Oh, I see. What is the situation?"

"We know they have a...to put it lightly...harsh lifestyle over there. I don't feel comfortable having our players playing football in a nation where people are constantly getting executed and such."

"I see."

"I don't think you do. These football players have seen and unruly society, where people get executed because their family members committed crimes. These players are seeing people get executed for minor offenses. I mean, they might come home with PTSD!"

"Where are you going with this?"

"Sorry, I sidetracked a bit. My problem with this is that these players are playing a game, a game we all love, while people are suffering just a few yards away. I do not think we should support this tournament any longer."

"Ms. Dawn, with all due respect, this team has done ten times better than we expected, they could be headed to the Baptism of Iron Championship if they play their cards right...Four games are over, there is no reason to pull out now. We all want to witness our national team win something big! Do you not?"

"I would love to...but not in that cruel, heartless nation!"

"Ms. Dawn...our team will continue to play in Gregoryisgodistan, and will continue to push forward to the Baptism of Iron Championship. Sorry, but we couldn't chose where we played, only IF we played. We chose the game over morals...sometimes that's the way games work."

"I am disappointed in you Mr. President." Ms. Dawn said, staring down the President, before storming out of the office.

[Neu Engollon]

"Hello, welcome to Sports 19 Update. I'm your host, Alain Moestricht. Tonight we go to the turbulent land of Gregoryisgodistan, where the Baptism of Iron is being hosted and Neu Engollon is playing in its first ever gridiron football tournament. I have the Captain of the team, Reiner Bretz, who is also the second string quarterback for the Ibex on live via video link. Reiner, thank you for this..."

"Alain, glad to be here...sort of...I think we may be violating some kind of Gregoryisgodistani law by doing this."

"Really? I don't want to put you in that position, but since we have you on the line, we'll make this brief. So, speaking of law in the land, we've been hearing some downright frightening stories about the host nation..."

"I'm afraid that most of them are probably true. Castrations, executions...Some other really sick mer-, er stuff. Supposedly, we're safe being official athletes and sports delegation from Neu Engollon, but...they seem to change their laws on a whim. The only constant is that if Gregory finds it offensive, you're dead."

"Mon dieu. So sorry that you have to play under such conditions, Reiner. Stay safe. There has been a long standing travel advisory, in fact, outright restriction against travel to Gregoryisgodistan by NETA, the Confederacy's travel authority. Also, a task group made up of some ships from the Lorecian peackekeeping fleet and some other home port vessels have been mobilized, as well as two battalions of the NEDM-DGC (Neu Engollon Defense Militia - Diplomatic Guard Corps), the most elite service in the armed forces of the Confederacy, in order to carry out contingency plans should the team and their coaching staff fall afoul of the law there somehow and become hostages."

"That's right, Alain. Officially, after waivers were signed by the team that we would go and compete anyway, despite the travel ban, the Confederacy will be on the hook whether they sanctioned our delegation or not."

"Oh my...Well, anyway, it seems that you all are doing quite well in your group."

"Yes, we have had amazing competition from some top notch teams and they've all, for the most part, been really close games. Really, some of the team have been kind of hoping that we lose the Group Stage so that we can leave this nightmare early."

"And you?"

"I think this is just another obstacle we can overcome. I want to win. Quite honestly, I'm rankled that such nonsense should get in the way of athletic competition. It's not very sporting to threaten your opponents off the field in such ways..."

"Perhaps we shouldn't get you in any more trouble..."

"Perhaps not. Thank you for putting me on the air, Alain."

"Thank you for talking with us, Reiner. Tell the team we're pulling for them."

"I will."

"You can catch the games right here on NETV Sports 19, plus highlights, post and pre game coverage and player profiles. Thanks for watching, now we go to some rugby coverage prep for the upcoming World Cup..."

[Aredshan]

Times of Aredshan

Today's sport issue (Issue #4) features a specialised read on the Beasts' play in the Baptism of Iron XVI by expert Bobby Pints.

BEASTS VICTORS!
by BOBBY PINTS | Aug 26, 2012

DEFAHAN, AREDSHAN- Guess who's back from a week long vacation? That's right, me! What do I come back to? To a blooming surprise, that's what! Not only have the Beasts pushed themselves into the top three, they have also won every single match they played! True beasts, these Beasts.

'Course, we still have the game with the formidable Patistan to go so it's too early to judge but being part of the top three is a far cry from the rather shameful defeat we had at the start of the BoI.

Murian, head coach of the Beasts, is a dear friend of mine and has been completely annoyed by my constant reminding of their terrible loss. "We lost just one time! Will you ever let it go, Pints?!" he said with a humph but my answer's always the same. Nah, it's too much fun, wouldn't want our favourite team to get an ego and lose the competition.

So yes, aside from that loss, we may stand a chance against the more powerful teams. Soon, we'll be going up against the Patistan and boy will that be a match. Don't have any high hopes for an easy victory, it'll be no doubt exciting but tough. Really tough, like Superman tough. We're talking about the leader of Group D here after all.

Let's go back a bit and focus on the match with the Christian Isles. It was a difficult game for certain, and ended 13-3 in favour of the Beasts. The Christian Isles were the previous top team of Group D and watching the game, it was easily apparent from the skill they showed. Yet we won. I feel bad now for making fun of Murian...

There isn't much I can say about the match without the article running in thousands of words but suffice it to say, the Beasts are making head-way. Nobody expected them to at first but they're climbing the ladder ever so slowly.

Until the game with Patistan starts, we'll be dealing with a zombie infestation on the lower-floors of the offices so till next time! Bring flame-throwers if you have any, I beg you!

----
Bobby Pints is a reader-favourite writer for the Times of Aredshan. He is also a member of the Pins Club of Aredshan.

Aredshani Beasts Play Schedule: Group D: -Week 1: Beasts vs. United States of Devonta (Lost 0-7) -Week 2: BYE -Week 3: Beasts vs. Neu Engollon (Won 13-7) -Week 4: Beasts vs. Bzakstan (Won 27-0) -Week 5: Beasts vs. Christian Isles (Won 13-3) -Week 6: Beasts vs. Patistan -Week 7: Beasts vs. The Sarian

Standings: Group D (Wins, Losses, Points) 1 Patistan (3, 1, 9) 2 Neu Engollon (3, 1, 9) 3 Aredshan (3, 1, 9) 4 Christian Isles (2, 2, 6) 5 United States of Devonta (2, 3, 6) 6 Bzakstan (1, 4, 3) 7 The Sarian (1, 3, 3)

[Patistan]

The Story Of Mohaco Santiago

Part 3

Mohaco ran quickly to his hotel room,he closed the door lightly and slumped down next to it. Mohaco started crying and couldn't stop then,he climbed over to his bed and put his hands around the pillow for comfort,no use came from it and he continued crying. Mohaco didn't want to be this person that he was becoming,he didn't want to be the bad guy here,he didn't want to be the monster here. He just wanted to be a normal 19 year old again who wasnt traumatized. Mohaco went to sleep crying that day...

Mohaco woke up to the sounds of police sirens,he looked outside from his dusty window and gasped,they were atleast 25 to 30 people out their looking at the body of the person he killed. Mohaco felt tears coming to him again but he stopped them,he then heard someone say

"Mohaco! your friend Santiago is on the phone"

Mohaco quickly dressed and went down to receive the phone...

"Hello?" Mohaco said

"How are you dude,hows the BOI going? and how are you fairing in that country"

"I killed someone Santiago..."

"What?" are you serious?

"Yeah man,i killed a innocent person. Just because he belonged to GGS"

"Dude,what the fuck?. Man you brought yourself in some deep shit now...i'll call you later just keep cool"

"k,dude. Please call back fast"

Mohaco hanged up the phone and lookedat the time,shit he needed to get ready to go to the match against Devonta. He quickly got dressed in the Patistani uniform and left with the team for the match. Mohaco sat alone in the bus,he didn't have any Patistani friends on the team. He just kept thinking about what he would do now,what would he do if he got caught?,what would he do if he was suspected at? Mohaco didn't know the answer's to any of these question's. But this was not the time for worrying,it was the time for playing.

Mohaco lead the team out,he was made the captain in the dressing room. It came as a surprise to him. He stood in the line singing the national anthem and saw people pointing at him from the crowd. He immediately got nervous and started sweating. He finished the national anthem and went into team huddle,he was just about to start talking until something hit him in the head.

It was a rock of some kind thrown from the crowd. People started pointing at him and laughed,he wast starting to get angry now but remembered that Santiago told him to stay cool,he went back to the huddle and told everyone the play they were doing. The play started and the ball came directly to Mohaco,Mohaco just ran dodging the inexperienced Devonta players he ran until it was a touchdown. This must have been the quickest touchdown in the history of Baptism of Iron. His team came to him and celebrated.

He was going back then suddenly another rock hit him,he ignored it and kept on walking. Then another one hit him,this one was aimed at his legs and it kind of hurt. Mohaco was getting agitated now but kept on moving forward. Another rock hit him and this was aimed at his head,this was enough to make Mohaco lose control. He took the rock and threw it back to the crowd blindly. It hit a random twenty year old guy hard in the head,Mohaco was okay now...

To be continued...

Sorry for the sucky ending

[Gregoryisgodistan]

Cutoff.... Who will win? Who will lose? Several teams can clinch spots in the quarterfinals, while others will be eliminated. Still others will see their dreams continue for another day, but beyond that, who knows? IT'S CUTOFF!

Edit: And results

Group A
Vjaalsburg 10–16 Dobbsland
Fothhanu 3–6 Democratic Donesia
Bongo Johnson 12–0 North Britonisea Game delayed for 28 minutes after fans tried to burn bongo drums while imitating Britonisea citizens by using bad grammar and incompetent English. They were sentenced to long terms in Grammar Reeducation Camps for multiple violations of grammar regulations, to be followed by execution for disturbing the peace by burning bongo drums.

Group A                     Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 Laiyenda                      5   4  1  106  27 +79   12
2 Bongo Johnson                 5   4  1   90  42 +48   12
3 North Britonisea              6   4  2   75  48 +27   12
4 Democratic Donesia            5   3  2   63  54  +9    9
5 Fothhanu                      5   2  3   43  93 −50    6
6 Dobbsland                     5   1  4   37 103 −66    3
7 Vjaalsburg                    5   0  5   44  91 −47    0

Group B
Serbian Orthodox Church 22–14 The New Greek Republic Game delayed for 61 minutes after citizens set fire to the Serbian Orthodox Church's locker room and it had to be evacuated. Eventually, the fire was put out and the players could return. Those who set it on fire were rewarded with 42,000 greggygodbucks for disrupting the heathens.
Jaechelter 13–19 Atornas
Abanhfleft 16–0 The Urain Game delayed for 28 minutes after several fans poured prune juice onto the field. They were then executed on the 50 yard line along with their families.

Group B                     Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 Abanhfleft                    5   4  1  106  32 +74   12
2 The Urain                     6   4  2  106  63 +43   12
3 Serbian Orthodox Church       5   4  1   79  43 +36   12
4 The New Greek Republic        5   3  2   65  67  −2    9
5 Star United States            5   1  4   47  85 −38    3
6 Atornas                       5   1  4   40  86 −46    3
7 Jaechelter                    5   1  4   42 109 −67    3

Group C
Ayank 0–10 Silver Beach Game started 19 minutes late after PA announcer made bad joke and was taken down to the field and executed. The game was played without a PA announcer.
Gregory Llama Land 13–6 Vankelland Islands Game delayed 91 minutes because referees insisted there had to be a PA announcer but the old one was dead so they had to hire a new one. Eventually they decided to use a slave.
Free Swiss States 16–23 Dead Names

Group C                     Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 Silver Beach                  5   5  0  104  16 +88   15
2 Gregory Llama Land            5   5  0  131  46 +85   15
3 Vankelland Islands            5   2  3   51  57  −6    6
4 Dead Names                    6   2  4   84 109 −25    6
5 Free Swiss States             5   2  3   52  82 −30    6
6 Ayank                         5   1  4   28  79 −51    3
7 Globus                        5   1  4   38  99 −61    3

Group D
Christian Isles 3–16 Neu Engollon Game delayed 81 minute after original ref was given a speeding ticket and a fine of 1 million greggygodbucks on the way to stadium and died of a heart attack when told the large amount. A new ref was summoned and also received a speeding ticket and fine of 1 million greggygodbucks but calmed down after being told that due to hyperinflation, that was only about 147 Universal Standard Dollars. He eventually arrived at the stadium.
Patistan 17–29 Aredshan Game delayed 11 minutes after fans in front row poured gruel on Patistani players. They received 15,000 greggygodbucks each.
The Sarian 7–13 United States of Devonta

Group D                     Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 Neu Engollon                  5   4  1   89  36 +53   12
2 Aredshan                      5   4  1   82  34 +48   12
3 Patistan                      5   3  2   93  49 +44    9
4 United States of Devonta      6   3  3   33  71 −38    9
5 Christian Isles               5   2  3   54  39 +15    6
6 Bzakstan                      5   1  4   23  78 −55    3
7 The Sarian                    5   1  4   27  94 −67    3

Teams in red are eliminated. Teams in green have advanced.

[North Britonisea]

We are not stupid but they got their justice.

North Britonisea's second lost their second match. They have been playing "Bongo Johnson" where the lost a painful defeat of 12-nil. The team was faulting a lot. They did not know what to do. They were very scared, especially after those terrorists. These people disrupted a the North Britonisea-Bongo Johnson match by burning Bongo drums and making fun of Britonisea by using the exquisite Britonish English. The Sport's secretary "Mr. Males" was appalled to see this happening when he said "Our English is not like the standard, stupid, Standard English. I wanna how I wanna speak kay?" By this he meant 'I want to speak how I would like to speak' (For people who doesn't understand Britonish English). The people were put in to their misery as The Gregoryisgodistani government decided to send them to a Grammar Re-education Camp, we call them Re-do School, and later sentence to a painful death. Execution to be exact. It is very mad in this nation as a man got executed for kicking a duck. The duck disrupted the match though the man got executed.

[Christian Isles]

Blue Jays Are Out

After a disappointing Baptism of Iron, Christian Isles has not advanced to the next round. "I'm glad to be out of that nation, but I really wished we would've advanced further," QB Richard Sizzle told CINN .

Well Good luck in the next tournament.

Christian Daily

[Silver Beach]

The Koura Gazette

Silver Beach has upcoming showdown for first place with Gregory Llama Land

Scoring Summary for Silver Beach vs. Ayank

26 yard field goal with 11:35 left in the 1st quarter GOOD by Silver Beach(4:33 drive)

4 yard touchdown run by Dorian Zwarha with 4:02 left in the 4th quarter(6:44 drive)

Silver Beach earned a 10-0 win over Ayank last weekend in the Baptism of Iron, therefore completing its last match against weak teams and moving not only into first place of the group, currently winning the point differential tiebreaker against Gregory Llama Land, but also clinching its spot in the quarterfinals of the 16th edition of the Baptism of Iron. The game kickoff was delayed for 19 minutes, but that only allowed more Silverian fans to pile into the stadium before kickoff, and gave Dorian Zwarha more time to warmup. The Ayank game was an example of defensive domination on both sides. Once again, the Silverian defense prevailed and made its case as the best defense of the entire tournament, allowing less than 200 yards of total offense(178) and earning another shutout in this tournament. Two long drives by the Silverian offense, including the very first drive of the game, resulted in both Silverian scores, and while Silverian fans sweat it out for sure, they were routine wins and nobody ever felt danger that Silver Beach would lose.

Silver Beach has a big game coming up against Gregory Llama Land. By record, Silver Beach and Gregory Llama Land are the two absolutely best teams in the entire Baptism of Iron. These are the last two undefeated teams of the entire tournament, and the winner of this match will be the only undefeated team left in the Baptism of Iron XVI. Silver Beach(+88) and Gregory Llama Land(+85) both have the #1 and #2 point differentials of the tournament, and the winner of this game will not only win the group and have a better path to the finals of the Baptism of Iron, but will have a large target on its back and be the team to beat of the knockout stages.

Let’s preview the game

Silverian offense vs. Gregory Llama Land defense
Advantage- Slight to Gregory Llama Land

This is not exactly the strong suit of either team, though both units must be strong enough to get them to this point of the Baptism of Iron. Silver Beach’s offense is notoriously inconsistent, having games where they put up 31 points on the board, and then games like their first game, when all 17 points scored by Silver Beach were scored by the special teams units(one punt return and one field goal block return). Silver Beach, with all of their offensive inconsistency, still are the 4th highest scoring team in this tournament with 104 points scored throughout the Baptism of Iron, or just averaging a decimal below 21 points per game. At the same time, Gregory Llama Land is not known for their defense, but at the same time, the defense is a strong unit. They have a top 5 defense of the tournament, and they know how to stop people, or else they wouldn’t be in this position of 5-0 and playing for Group C if they weren’t. Their defense is slightly stronger than Silver Beach’s inconsistent offense, and due to that inconsistency, we must give a slight advantage to Gregory Llama Land.

Silver Beach defense vs. Gregory Llama Land offense
Advantage- EVEN

This is the strength vs. strength matchup that everybody loves to see, and this is no different. Silver Beach is 5-0 by riding the backs of its defenders, only allowing 16 points throughout the entire tournament, coming in by far at #1 for the best scoring defense of the tournament. The goal was always to win, and as the saying goes, ‘defense wins championships’, and that will never be more true than if Silver Beach beats Gregory Llama Land to win Group C, and more importantly, if they win the Baptism of Iron XVI as a whole. This defense is tearing through opponents, and that is because they are dominating the line of scrimmage. As long as they continue to do that, and create plenty of pressure, they will be fine.

The Gregory Llama Land offense is pretty much the offensive version of the Silverian offense. They are far and away the #1 scoring offense, putting up 131 points for the entire tournaments, or averaging just above a staggeringly high 26 points per game, almost four touchdowns per game. They have been able to do just about everything on offense. They can move the ball up and down the field, they can hit the big play when they are struggling, and they can convert 3rd and short as well as 3rd and long. This offense is doing things not usually seen at this level, and this is why they are flying through the group. Their offense is leading them to this collision course with Silver Beach, and this matchup is one of the ‘unstoppable force vs. the immovable object’.

Silver Beach special teams vs. Gregory Llama Land special teams
Advantage- Silver Beach

The Silverian special teams units are dynamic. They are capable of coming up with the big play right when Silver Beach needs one most. They scored all 17 points of Silver Beach’s in the opening game of the tournament, and they have been giving Silver Beach good field position the entire tournament. Gregory Llama Land has solid special teams units as well, but the capabilities of Silverian returnmen to pull off big returns at clutch times give them the small advantage. This gives Silver Beach the slightest of advantages for the special teams, which can always make or break a game.

Prediction

This game is going to be an even game. Both teams have had played 5 games where they completely dominated their opponents, and this figures to be the first game decided by one possession of the entire tournament for both teams. We’ll see who can respond to the pressure best, who can perform when all eyes of the footballing world are turned to television sets. This looks to be the largest crowd of the Baptism of Iron, and once again, Gregory Llama Land figures to have home field advantage because of their very warm relations with the citizens of Gregoryisgodistan.

This will be a close game, and we predict that Silver Beach will be able to pull out a 21-17 victory. It will be a tough battle, but a late stop at the end by the Silverian defense will be the icing on the cake.

[Bongo Johnson]

ISBJ Prime Minister Gordon Alfonz apologizes for weekend's BoI disaster

After a group of traveling fans caused a huge hold-up in the Baptism of Iron game against North Britonisea, Gordon Alfonz held a press conference today to insist that his country and his sports fans are respectful and appreciative of all cultures. Members of this fan group began to light fires to the ceremonial drums used to lead chants in the Bongo Johnson supporter grandstand. They immediately and drunkenly began screaming at North Britonisea fans in the section closest to them before they were apprehended by Gregoryisgodistani police forces. The group were sentenced to a re-education camp followed by execution. Alfonz made it clear that he is not appealing this decision in today's meeting.

"I think I speak for all of Bongo Johnson when I say that I am ashamed of the way our fans acted over the weekend. I want to apologize to the country of Gregoryisgodistan for their actions but also remind the people that when you are on foreign lands privileged to you by an Incorporated States of Bongo Johnson passport, you are obligated to learn, understand, and abide by that nation's rules. The penalty for these actions abroad was death. We do not intend to pursue further political or legal action on the matter. For all intents and purposes, this incident is now a closed matter."

Bongo Johnson is currently 2nd in Group A. Three out of the seven teams have been eliminated, but there is currently a three-way tie for first place at 12 points. Bongo Johnson needs to close this final match day out on a really good note if they wish to advance in the group.

[Aredshan]

Times of Aredshan

Today's sport issue (Issue 5) features a summarized analysis of the Beasts by resident specialist Bobby Pints.

BEASTS TOP TWO; EVERYBODY ANXIOUS!
by BOBBY PINTS | Aug 27, 2012

DEFAHAN, AREDSHAN- What is happening?! I go to a bar, come back, and suddenly The Beasts have won against Patistan. Jesus, I'm regretting my hens analogy now. It was a fierce game but the Beasts won 29-17, and now that's what I call a match. Want all the juicy details? Follow me...

It is lately becoming more and more apparent that the Beasts have become a wrecking ball. They are destroying everything in their path, and somehow I don't think their forthcoming match with the group's last, The Sarian, will deter them.

Of course, we are now at the point from competition to get into the quarterfinals is fierce and the performance of the three top teams will determine who's the only loser. We are looking at our self, Neu Engollon, and the Patistan. Neu Engollon has the highest chance of remaining in the top two, thanks to their 5 point on us and 9 on Patistan.

So if we want to keep in the top two, we either have to outscore the Patistan in our match or take the leadership from Neu Engollon which is honestly easier said than done.

It's certainly no secret that Group D has the closest competition for the quarterfinals, with each of us 4 or 5 points away. All of the efforts exerted by the Beasts will be for naught if we can't keep our two two spot, but I'm optimistic. Partly because I have put a couple grand betting on the Beasts so of course I have to be positive about this, but you can be too if you want.

I'd like to finish this with wishing luck to Patistan, and Neu Engollon. You guys play great, and it'll be a tough game for sure.

Also Murian, if you're reading this (and I know you are), then know I'll come after you personally if I lose my bet. No joke. Really. Like really.

Cheers!

----
Bobby Pints is a writer for the Times of Aredshan, and a favourite amongst local sport lovers.

Aredshani Beasts Play Schedule: Group D: -Week 1: Beasts vs. United States of Devonta (Lost 0-7) -Week 2: BYE -Week 3: Beasts vs. Neu Engollon (Won 13-7) -Week 4: Beasts vs. Bzakstan (Won 27-0) -Week 5: Beasts vs. Christian Isles (Won 13-3) -Week 6: Beasts vs. Patistan (Won 29-17) -Week 7: Beasts vs. The Sarian

Standings: Group D (Wins, Losses, Points) 1 Neu Engollon (4, 1, 12) 2 Aredshan (4, 1, 12) 3 Patistan (3, 2, 9) 4 United States of Devonta (3, 3, 9) 5 Christian Isles (2, 3, 6) 6 Bzakstan (1, 4, 3) 7 The Sarian (1, 4, 3)[/color]

[Patistan]

The Story of Mohaco Santiago

Part 4

Mohaco was stripped of his captaincy when he threw that rock at the Gregoryisgodistan citizen. It wasn't his fault but he understood,he didn't want to be captain anyway he just wanted to play football. His mind forgot about the incident that happened that night,he just resumed normal day life...in Gregoryisgodistan.

When he found out that he had forgotten,he felt guilty about it and soon came close to uncontrollably sobbing again. He tried his best not to but always failed,Mohaco tried focusing on football practice and it worked!. He finally fully forgot about the incident and just focused on the Baptism of Iron for the first time since he got here.

The team practiced at the Coastal Stadium,they weren't alone. Teams from Aredshan and Nue Engollon were also their,once the team was playing football,the soccer football and their ball traveled to the part which was hosting the Nue Engollon team. Mohaco went to get it back but instead got declined by a shady looking bloke from the team,Mohaco replied agitated and it quickly escalated to a physical fight with the guy.

The fight eventually broke up but Mohaco was clearly the winner,he easily punched the guy and broke his nose. But he needed to focus on the Patistan VS Aredshan match not needless fights which would get him in trouble,Patistan needed to win the match.

Mohaco went out into the ground happy for the first time since their arrival,he knew that if Patistan won this match they would be through,the Patistani team had their bench'es near a "defunct" and clearly anti-Patistani Gregoryisgodistan citizens. Mohaco ignored them and sat,he clearly heard anti-Patistani slang but still ignored it,he didn't want to get in any sort of trouble with the coach again.

The Patistani team came back from singing the national anthem and Mohaco again started hearing the people say Anti-Patistani stuff,he still ignored it. He was put of the edge when someone said "Hicana is what we are going to do to Patistan." This was enough for Mohaco,he got up and said "You dumbass'es should probably shut up and shit down,cause i have no problem pimp slapping the shiznit out of you idiots" he said this and sat back down. Then suddenly Mohaco felt something slimy hit his back,he turned back and saw it was gruel!. At the same time he heard someone say "Hahah Patistani-Hicanan got grueled,what can you expect from a dumb nut Hicanan"

That was enough for him,he saw a GGS solider right next to him,he went up to him punched him and took the gun he had. Mohaco knew how a gun would work,he was about to do something that all his mind was screaming for him not to do,but he ignored his sense's and shot constant bullets at the GGS citizens sitting near him,he clearly saw people fall down and he was counting them at the same time!. He counted to 15 then suddenly something hit him hard on his foot,he looked down and saw blood. It was a gun! he looked up and saw that 4 GGS policemen were aiming at him,he was only able to look at them for hardly 2 more second's.

Cause another bullet hit him,now in the chest. He immediately fell down and he knew that he was going to die. His last word's were "Freedom for Hicana,freedom for Patistan,death to Gregoryisgodistan" and he closed his eyes,never to wake up again...

Not to be continued...

[Gregoryisgodistan]

Cutoff for the final day of the group stage. Who will win? Who will lose? Find out.

Edit: And results

Group A
Democratic Donesia 7–41 Bongo Johnson Game delayed 19 minutes after the referees locked themselves in the locker room.
Dobbsland 30–29 Fothhanu
Laiyenda 30–7 Vjaalsburg Game delayed 69 minutes due to thunderstorm knocking the power out to the stadium.

Group A                     Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 Laiyenda                      6   5  1  136  34 +102   15
2 Bongo Johnson                 6   5  1  131  49 +82   15
3 North Britonisea              6   4  2   75  48 +27   12
4 Democratic Donesia            6   3  3   70  95 −25    9
5 Fothhanu                      6   2  4   72 123 −51    6
6 Dobbsland                     6   2  4   67 132 −65    6
7 Vjaalsburg                    6   0  6   51 121 −70    0

Group B
Atornas 9–47 Abanhfleft Game delayed 95 minutes after someone pulled the fire alarm, forcing the entire stadium to be evacuated. As there was no fire, the fan was then executed at midfield along with his family.
The New Greek Republic 27–3 Jaechelter
Star United States 7–20 Serbian Orthodox Church Fans burned copies of the Holy Book of the Serbian Orthodox Church at the 50 yard-line before the game. They received 55,000 greggygodbucks each.

Group B                     Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 Abanhfleft                    6   5  1  153  41 +112   15
2 Serbian Orthodox Church       6   5  1   99  50 +49   15
3 The Urain                     6   4  2  106  63 +43   12
4 The New Greek Republic        6   4  2   92  70 +22   12
5 Star United States            6   1  5   54 105 −51    3
6 Atornas                       6   1  5   49 133 −84    3
7 Jaechelter                    6   1  5   45 136 −91    3

Group C
Vankelland Islands 10–0 Free Swiss States
Silver Beach 9–10 Gregory Llama Land Game delayed for 69 minutes after Gregory Llama Land's live animal mascot went onto the field and refused to leave, then eventually made llama diarrhea on the field and it had to be cleaned up.
Globus 3–23 Ayank

Group C                     Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 Gregory Llama Land            6   6  0  141  55 +86   18
2 Silver Beach                  6   5  1  113  26 +87   15
3 Vankelland Islands            6   3  3   61  57  +4    9
4 Dead Names                    6   2  4   84 109 −25    6
5 Ayank                         6   2  4   51  82 −31    6
6 Free Swiss States             6   2  4   52  92 −40    6
7 Globus                        6   1  5   41 122 −81    3

Group D
Aredshan 13–7 The Sarian Game delayed 19 minutes because the stadium clock was 19 minutes slow and nobody realized it.
Neu Engollon 7–20 Patistan Fans threw bricks at the Patistani players following the murder of several Gregoryisgodistani players by a Patistani in the last match. They received 110,000 greggygodbucks each.
Bzakstan 10–16 Christian Isles

Group D                     Pld   W  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts 
1 Aredshan                      6   5  1   95  41 +54   15
2 Patistan                      6   4  2  113  56 +57   12
3 Neu Engollon                  6   4  2   96  56 +40   12
4 Christian Isles               6   3  3   70  49 +21    9
5 United States of Devonta      6   3  3   33  71 −38    9
6 Bzakstan                      6   1  5   33  94 −61    3
7 The Sarian                    6   1  5   34 107 −73    3

Quarterfinal Matches (to be scorinated Monday at noon):

Laiyenda vs. Serbian Orthodox Church at 617 Stadium
Gregory Llama Land vs. Patistan at Creation Stadium (to be scorinated by Buyan)
Abanhfleft vs. Bongo Johnson at Friends Field
Aredshan vs. Silver Beach at Coastal Stadium

[Gregoryisgodistan]

To: Head of Patistani Football Team
From: Lord Almighty Gregory

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to express serious concern about several incidents during the Baptism of Iron. Before a game earlier this week, a Patistani player named Mohaco murdered several Gregoryisgodistanis in cold blood even though they were just attending the match. He was eventually shot dead by law enforcement. Our police have no qualms about shooting to kill in these situations. The behavior of Mr. Mohaco at the match was unacceptable, and we also suspect him to be involved in another murder outside the Patistani team hotel. We will not tolerate the murders of our citizens on our own soil.

Therefore, we have made the decision to fine your delegation 100 million greggygodbucks (about 15,000 NSD) to be payable before your next game on Monday. If you do not pay the fine, your team will forfeit the match and be eliminated from the tournament. Killing fans is a serious crime, and Mr. Mohaco would certainly have been executed anyway if it were not for the fact that he was shot in defense of the innocent fans.

Furthermore, any additional unprovoked attacks on Gregoryisgodistanis will result in a more hefty fine being assessed to your delegation. Please do not let it come to that. We also reserve the right to arrest and execute any player or coach who we suspect is plotting an attack on Gregoryisgodistanis. We will not do that without due cause, but please understand that if we do, it is only to protect our own citizens. This behavior that you are showing cannot go on. We will not allow brave, noble Gregoryisgodistanis to be mowed down in cold blood by visiting players.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Lord Almighty Gregory

[Abanhfleft]

Part One

This Is A Crazy Planets, Part 2

After that episode involving my near execution at the hands of the Gregoryisgodistan police, I immediately began conditioning myself to call my editor Gregory Alanis as "Mr. Alanis," even though he didn't fucking deserve the title of Mister, not with the way he's treating his underlings. So I went back to my hotel, unpacked my secret stash of alcoholic drinks, mixed a noxious cocktail of Tupolev vodka and Magnum .44 beer, and drank myself to sleep.

The next morning, I turned on my laptop, began downloading clips of the last game between Abanhfleft and some country I can't remember, and tried to write a slug that didn't appear to be rushed or written by a hungover journalist. Forty-five minutes of shielding my eyes from the blinding glare of my laptop's screen and almost experiencing an epileptic episode from the blinking cursor later, I said to myself "Fuck it!", shut down my laptop, and went to the bathroom to drown my hangover in cold water. I hear that the tap water in Gregoryisgodistan is very cold. Or maybe it's the other way around. Ah, well, fuck it.

Thirty minutes later, I was now just half-hungover. Meaning I could function like a normal human being, but I would be as rational as a Paradystopian lacrosse monkey. So, after drying myself, I took my notebook and pen, a half-empty (or half-full for you optimists out there) pack of cigarettes, and of course a lighter, and I set off on a journey to write the essential Gregoryisgodistan experience. Yet, two hours later, and after having been persuaded to line up for a "soup" (read gruel) kitchen, I noticed that life in Gregoryisgodistan is such a joke. At least, if you tried to put it in writing. So I went back to my hotel, flushed out the gruel that had stuck around in my intestines with my tried and tested Tupolev-Magnum cocktail-slash-laxative, and then slept off the rest of the day in preparation for the coming game against the Serbian Orthodox Church.

Well, let me just save you all the effort of boring yourselves by saying outright that the game between Abanhfleft and the Serbian Orthodox Church was boring. I mean, the game itself was forgettable. The Serbs scored 16 in the first quarter, and the Democratic Republic, thanks to the efforts of Carl Calebson, managed to sneak in three field goals in the fourth to keep us from being totally shut out in our first loss of the tournament. What was definitely not boring, however, is the fact that the home crowd kept calling the Serbians "heathens," probably because the Serbs worshiped the Orthodox God, which is anathema to the Gregoryisgodistanis, who believe that their Lord Almighty Gregory is the one and only true god. Hey, it's religion. I'm all for freedom of it, but don't go forcing me to convert to something I don't believe. I still can't believe that I managed to pass theology in college, because even now, it still confuses the crap out of me.

But that wasn't even the fun part of it. Before the game started, a T-shirt cannon thingy struck the referee in the head, forcing the delay of the game for thirty or so minutes. And, of course, instead of calling for a replacement referee immediately, they waited for the original referee to wake up because the entire balance of power in Gregoryisgodistan could be upset by calling on a replacement referee while the original referee is still alive, albeit unconscious.

That night, instead of following the national team's example and drowning my "sorrows" in some sickly green Gatorade, I actually managed to spit out a decent slug about the game, with some emphasis on the T-shirt cannon incident, and then I emailed that shit to Gregory the editor. I got his new email address from the exact same sportswriter whom he threatened would get my job if I didn't give him a report, and soon. So he can go ahead and kiss it, because I just used it to rub my ass before sending it home.

Oh, God. The Tupolev-Magnum mix is beginning to talk through me now. Better shut up and and stop my fucking hand from writing up my fucking thoughts.

The next day, I was feeling very, very good. In fact, I was feeling so good, I decided to do something that would really rile up Gregory Alanis big-time: write a fucking human interest piece! Oh, man, nothing pisses off the old bat more than seeing a sportswriter write a human interest piece, or basically just something in which someone deviates from the role that Gregory the editor set out for him to do. Old fuck's as anal as shit; loves his own shit organized. He probably evens defecates using compartmentalization, or whatever it is which puts things in neat shapes. So when someone does something he wasn't supposed to be doing, the old geezer goes absolutely ballistic.

Human interest it is, I thought with a smirk.

Which soon turned into a frown because, once again, it is absolutely hard to turn Gregoryisgodistani life into a very interesting, stimulating adventure, at least on paper. So, I resorted to the old tried and tested method that is called "standing in the middle of the street and asking questions to passersby." Apparently, life for Gregoryisgodistanis is relatively simple, or at least it is when compared to the lifestyle of the Democratic Republic. They wake up, worship Lord Almighty Gregory, do their job, worship Lord Almighty Gregory, go home, worship Lord Almighty Gregory, eat their gruel, worship Lord Almighty Gregory, go to sleep, worship Lord Almighty Gregory, and repeat the cycle. No worrying about what things to like, retweet, pin, follow, and subscribe. I honestly thought about going native and staying here in Gregoryisgodistan, but then I realized that this country was a theocratic dictatorship, and I would rather be worried and free than worry-free and ruled by a dictator.

By the time I finished putting together all the tidbits that I had gathered from my interviews, I had filled up three pages of my notebook with my long and loopy handwriting. Also, there was a game coming, between Abanhfleft and Jachaelter. Jachaelter had defeated us in the first futsal world cup, and we were definitely out for revenge.

I was still fucking high from planning to disrupt Gregory Alanis's carefully planned out routine so I decided to walk my way to the stadium. As I tried to to decipher my own handwriting, I noticed out of the corner of my eye an umpire coming out of a seedy-looking joint. He was carrying a large gym bag under his shoulder, and the hair sticking out of his cap still looked like it was fresh from the shower. I decided to mess with him a little bit. "Yo, football!" I cried out. "Had fun in the shower lately?"

I could literally hear the poor guy say, "Ah, shit," before going on his merry way. "Hey man, don't you wanna talk about it?" I shouted as I began to follow him.

"Hey man, don't do this, man!" he shouted. "I'm gonna be fucking late for the game! And stop following me!"

"What game you refereeing? Abanhfleft-Jachaelter?"

"The fuck does it matter to you?"

"Hey look man, no need to be so aggressive! I'm just headed for the game too! Wanna walk with me?"

The referee turned around and began walking towards me. "Look, I don't know what you're up to, man," he said, "but I am close to having a nervous breakdown right now. I'm in crazy-ass country, and I can't get out because I need the money! So keep the fuck back, man. I'm telling you."

We passed by a large statue of the Lord Almighty Gregory. I recognized it as the statue right in front of the stadium where the Abanhfleft-Jachaelter game was being played. Gregoryisgodistans on their way to watch the game were bowing one after the other in front of the stadium. As a foreigner, I was not legally obliged to do the same, but after the near-death experience I had, I took no chances and bowed down too. Unfortunately, the referee didn't do the same, and soon he was surrounded by Gregoryisgodistani police.

"You are under arrest for failing to pay homage to the Lord Almighty Gregory!" the largest policeman in the bunch shouted.

"Wait a minute!" the poor bastard shouted back. "I'm a referee! I'm here for the Baptism of Iron! I don't have to follow your stupid laws! Look, I have papers certifying that I'm here only for the tournament!" He reached into his pockets, but found only thin air. "Yeah, it's right here somewhere," he stammered.

"Take him away," the big policeman ordered his subordinates, or comrades, or whatever.

"Wait, wait, wait!" the poor guy pleaded as he was dragged off to his probably execution. "My papers are in my wallet! Some bitch in a one-star motel took my wallet! THIS ISN'T WORTH THE FIVE THOUSAND NS DOLLARS PER GAME!" he shouted. And those would turn out to be his last words.

Man, what a crazy planets.

To be continued...