"I've been going around delegates for the last hour. It's useless!"
"Same here. They either don't remember World Cup 57, don't remember one team that finished bottom of a qualifying group for World Cup 57 or they don't want to know."
"How are we ever going to ever get anywhere with this?"
"Why does it even matter?"
"Because someone, somewhere claimed to be us. And it wasn't us."
"Ah. That makes sense."
Tony and Benny were interrupted by their coach.
"Tony, Benny - stop worrying about it. I'm sure we'll find out that there was a simple explanation for it. The truth usually comes out in the end."
"I guess so, Dad."
"Call me coach. We're on official business here."
"Sorry, coach."
"Now, we're here to see who we are to be drawn against for qualifying. Remember, we might not know a lot about all of the nations in the draw, but a look at the world rankings shows that we are... well, we are not on the world rankings. So, whoever we are drawn against, we must show them the upmost respect, as they will all be expected to beat us."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"I'm Jenny Jones..."
"...and I'm Kevin Smith..."
"...and welcome to Sound of the Sloths! We're in Free Republics..."
"I thought we were in Legalese?"
"No, this is Free Republics."
"Oh. And which three republics are these?"
"Free, you dunderhead. As in, freedom and all that shebang."
"Like nations that aren't actually free put into their name to make themselves sound more pleasant?"
"Yes. Except not in this case. They seem to have been more than hospitable to the footballing multiverse, don't you think?"
"Yes they have."
"Now, we're here to look at the World Cup Qualifying draw, in which Schiavonia have been drawn into Group 10. In the group they are the worst ranked team, and it looks like a daunting task for a team that has played three international matches in the last sixty years."
"Yes, but they beat Audioslavia at AOCAF 43 last year."
"Yes, but only because they were pissing themselves with laughter at our kits."
"I still don't get why they did that."
"Because when they lined up, it spelt out "KNOBJOCKEYS"!"
"Ah, so that's what it was! I just thought that they were confused that we were wearing letters and had two Ks."
"No Kev. Anyway, after your imbecilic performance at the Winter Olympics opening ceremony, where you made up facts about the nations involved, the producers have banned you from previewing the teams that the Sloths have drawn for World Cup Qualifying. So, instead, we have the vice-captain of the Schiavonia team, Benny Sanderson. Benny, welcome."
"Thanks, Jenny."
"So, Mytannion are the top seed in the group. Despite not making it to the finals of World Cup 67, they did win the Cup of Harmony in Valanora, as well as being home to some of the better clubs in international club football. That should be a challenge for you."
"Well, Jenny, they're a top 20 team, so they would expect to beat us. Because of that, we will show them the upmost respect."
"Indeed. Then we have Sicoutmont. They made it to World Cup 66, but were unsuccessful in their attempts to qualify last time out."
"Yes, they have qualified recently, so they would be expected to beat us. We must show a team with such a record the upmost respect."
"Brenecia are the third ranked team in the group. After some pretty average qualifying campaigns, they put up a good show last time around, and you would not bet against them attempting to better that even further this time, would you?"
"Of course. They're a good and improving side, and would expect to beat an unranked team like Schiavonia. We'll definitely be showing them the upmost respect."
"Indeed. Fourth seeds are Furellum. They've consistently been excellent at youth football - is this the time when they translate that form to the senior level?"
"Well, with the players that they have been producing, they would more than likely expect to beat a team that are not even ranked. Players that offer a threat like that will be treated with the upmost respect."
"Yes... Now, fifth seeds are Greater Watford. World Cup 67 was their debut qualifying campaign, and they are reckoned by some to have great potential for the future."
"They are. They've got that campaign behind them, so that experience will mean that they are expected to beat a team that have no recent World Cup Qualifying campaigns. It definitely means that they are a team we will be showing the upmost respect to."
"OK... now sixth seeds are Darvale. They were in the recent Baptism of Fire tournament, and were thought by many to have been unlucky in their play-off draw for the latter stages. They are also very keen on many other sports, so we could be expecting a lot in the future from Darvale."
"We could indeed. Their Baptism of Fire performance and fondness of sport means that they will be expected to beat Schiavonia, who have a population of 700 and no Baptism of Fire behind them. A team as eager as that can only be treated with the upmost respect."
"Right... And the other team in the group are Dorado Grande. They picked up just one point at the Baptism of Fire, but have the Forest Gods on their side."
"They do, and I'm sure that most neutral observers would say that having the Forest Gods behind you means that you would be expected to beat a team that doesn't, just as Schiavonia don't. They may not have performed that well at the Baptism of Fire, but they have more ranking points and Gods on their side than we do, to we shall be treating them with the upmost respect."
"U-huh... Oh, and then there's us! Little, unranked Schiavonia!"
"Yes, indeed. But they are a team with World Cup pedigree in the past, and so will definitely be expected to beat us. You really do have to treat an opponent with history like that with the upmost respect."
"Er... that's us, Benny."
"Sorry..."
"That's us. Not an opponent."
"Well, we're unranked and foolish, so many experts will expect us to beat ourselves. But we are professional sportspeople, and will thus treat ourselves with the upmost respect."
"OK, let's move away from the teams. What are your hopes for the tournament?"
"Well, the World Cup is an amazing tournament, the biggest in international sport. It is treated with the upmost respect, though I expect it will be too much for Schiavonia this time around. In that respect, it is definitely expected to beat us."
"And where do you think you will finish in the qualifying group?"
"Well, treating every opponent with the upmost respect, and considering that they will all be expected to beat us, there's only one place I can see us finishing."
"Oh, the pessimism..."
"First."
"First?"
"Yeah, why not?"
"Because all of the other teams are expected to beat you?"
"Well, there is that..."
"And you'll be treating them with the upmost respect?"
"Well, of course. But everyone loves an underdog, don't they?"
"Benny Sanderson, thank you. Well, I have no idea if Benny was being idiotic or sarcastic there. Probably idiotic. But it seems, Kev, that Schiavonia are in a group of teams that are better than them, and will thus be playing without the shackles of the pressure that being better than any of the teams would bring."
"Indeed, Jenny. Anything other than a place in the bottom two could be considered a successful campaign for the Sloths."
"Well, that's it. Full of respect but lacking in expectations, Schiavonia will be going headlong into their World Cup qualifying campaign with an away game against Mytannion, where we will be live bringing you coverage of the game for SIBN. Until that expected mauling, though, it's goodbye from myself and Kevin."
"Bye, everyone."
"And from Benny Sanderson, who seems to be checking out a member of the Cassadaiguan delegation here. I don't think he knows what he's letting himself in for. Anyway, goodbye!"