World Cup 68 RP Thread

[Blouman Empire]

On this day in 1191 the Oxfam Treaty was signed between King Michael ‘The Defender’ I of Lower Wedrom and Queen Affric II of Wedrom. The treaty marked the end of the War of Dispute and is seen as a victory for King Michael and his rule over Lower Wedrom.

In 1182 on his 30th birthday Queen Harashae of Wedrom after years of attempting to change the laws of succession from matrilineal primogeniture to absolute primogeniture, she gave her only child the duchy of Lower Wedrom elevating it to a Kingdom and granting him independence from the Wedrom crown. In 1187 Queen Harashae passed away and the Wedrom throne passed onto her niece whom assumed the throne and immediately began action to take Lower Wedrom back within her realm. Repeated demands for Lower Wedrom return under her rule including one that would allow him to remain as Duke of Lower Wedrom were rebuffed. Her final deputations returned with their mouths sewn shut saw Queen Affric abandon her plans for a diplomatic outcome.

In March of 1189, a small Wedrom force of 150 men invaded the town of Houlstoon taking control of the surrounding area claiming it as the property of Queen Affric, the occupiers were pushed back into Wedrom by a force of 400 men sent by King Michael. Throughout the year raids by both sides occurred attacking villages near the border and attacking trade caravans. After the death of Queen Affric’s brother in law Count Homrul while he hunted, the Queen had, had enough and on the 5th of October 1189 she declared war on King Michael; the War of Dispute had begun.

Queen Affric’s forces saw early victories taking control of Latera Castle and inflicting heavy losses on an expeditionary force in the Battle of Grimund Fields. While besieging Sal Crinith Castle the Queen’s forces suffered heavy losses when Typhus spread through the camp killing 25% of the soldiers with winter settling in the army retreated. King Michael meanwhile had detached 1,500 men from his army and sent them deep into Wedrom pillaging and destroying the Wedrom countryside. As the Wedrom army reinforced, King Michael’s main force of 7,000 men marched south to battle their foes before they regained full strength. The two sides met on the shores of the Mopray River October 18th 1190 by this time the Wedrom Army had reinforced to 5,000 men and was now under the command of the Queen’s husband Prince Petrus of Lordarda. King Michael won a pyrrhic victory sending the remains of the Wedrom forces (approx. 500 men) home his army had also been devastated with the loss of 5500 men including the death of his second eldest son Prince George. The pillaging army’s numbers had slowly declined over the year and a half spent traversing Wedrom due to a number of factors including desertions and disease. After the battle of Mopray River King Michael sent an emissary to broker a peace between the two sides. On the 3rd of April 1191 both King Michael and Queen Affric met in the town of Oxfam and signed the Oxfam treaty leading to peace between the two nations.

The terms of the Oxfam Treaty are as follows

Immediate cessaiton of hostities between the Kingdom of Lower Wedrom and the Queendom of Wedrom
Borders between the two before the conflict will remain in place with the exception of Klim to fall under the Queendom of Wedrom
Shall the Sovereign of Lower Wedrom fail to provide a direct descendant then the Kingdom of Lower Wedrom shall fall under the authority of the Queendom of Wedrom

King Michael had successfully defended his Kingdom and remained an independent ruler, however, the victory had come with a condition; one that would haunt his successors as they ensured that they would have at least one child at all times ready to succeed to the throne.

[HopNation]

The Games

WOW, it seems the extra day off really did a number on our guys, well that, or they really suck on the road. I mean how do we put a shelling on a team at home 5-1 and then travel to play them and end in a draw 1-1. That’s pathetic, absolutely pathetic. These guys are supposed to be our best and we can’t even travel to an opponent’s stadium and do any thing, all we seem to do is lay an egg and watch to see which end it will rest on. This has to change and hopefully we can turn things around tomorrow. One other thought on our poor performance in a few of these road games simply comes from not knowing who we are playing. We step onto the field and have no idea what eleven we will be facing until the ball is actually placed in the center of the field by the Ref. I guess I can also give a little credit to The Fair Republic for looking at our first match up and actually doing something to contain our offense and equal their lone goal in our first match.

As for the match it’s self, well I can’t say it was exciting and I can’t say it was boring, it was at least a game to watch. Not one I would phone home to report on right away, either. The sides seemed to be balanced in the midfield for most of the match. The Fair Republics scored first just after the halftime break, which completely took the Hops by surprise. But they quickly collected themselves and found somewhat of a rhythm and maintained some good possession. Schytaing finally tied things up in the 82nd minute and that’s were the score would end.

I’m surely looking for the Hops to do better in their next match, plus it’s on hope turf so that’s a bonus too. The brew pots will be loud and banging proud when they step on the field as well.

HopNation Match Ups

MD 1: vs The Fair Republic (5-1)	MD  8: @ The Fair Republic (1-1)
MD 2: @ Theaoie (1-1)     		MD  9: vs Theaoie
MD 3: vs Seraphic Empire (3-0)          MD 10: @ Seraphic Empire
MD 4: @ Osarius (2-6)			MD 11: vs Osarius
MD 5: vs Super-Llamaland (1-2)	        MD 12: @ Super-Llamaland
MD 6: @ Sandwich Territories (1-3)	MD 13: vs Sandwich Territories
MD 7: vs Kaldtland (4-2)		MD 14: @ Kaldtland
Win|Draw|Loss| (3-2-3)

The Expectations

It seems that nothing changed in the group order after Match Day 8, even though we would have liked the Hops to come away with more points on this day as all the points they can get will be fully needed in order for them to do any better than the current 4th place they are in. So here’s a look at the current places and then the predicted finish.


Current Places:

1. Osarius
2. Sandwich Territories
3. Super-Llamaland
4. HopNation
5. The Fair Republic
6. Theaoie
7. Seraphic Empire
8. Kaldtland

Predicted Finish:

1. Sandwich Territories
2. Osarius
3. Super-Llamaland
4. HopNation
5. The Fair Republic
6. Theaoie
7. Seraphic Empire
8. Kaldtland

Until the next game Brew On Brew Well Hoptonians!

[Nouvel Ecosse]

---

"Everything Still To Play For" says Former Manager

Disgraced former manager Norrie Stewart has told reporters that the Rampant Walrus "still have everything to play for, and the possibilities of qualification is not out of their reach." The national team are now eight games into their campaign, and have so far conducted their best attempt yet at qualification, languishing just one point behind third place but with a far superior goal difference, mainly down to the 10-2 romp against Wesleyia.

The Ecossians started things slowly before really getting the engine up and running. There was a disappointing home draw against Yveltal, followed by a more exciting but equally disappointing 4-4 away at Annar, who the Walrus will hope to comfortably beat in their next home match. This left us languishing back in fifth place after two games, a place that Mossebien would hope to break free of or else face the same fate that befell his predecessor Stewart. And what better than a twelve game thrashing at home than to break a curse?

The victory against Wesleyia, Nouvel Ecosse's largest in international competition ever in our short competitive history, was unexpected, one lucky punter in Martell pocketing himself a cool $12,000 from the bookies off a $1 bet his grandson wished him to put on as a joke. McFadden and Cardoza were the real heroes, both bagging themselves hattricks. The journey to Wesleyia is expected to offer a similar rout.

The Walrus were then defeated away at group favourites New Montreal States, although they put up a fair and spirited fight. A surprise victory may well be on the cards when the match comes to Culloden. This defeat was then followed by a loss to other favourites Cassadaigua, again no real surprise there.

Defender Doran Milosevici, in for a suspended Dan Franklin, was then the hero of the nation, scoring Ecosse's only goal against the tough opposition Maklohi Vai in said country to stun the opposition's fans and to reignite our sides chances of qualification. This victory, followed by another against bottom feeders Schottia, put the national side in a comfortable fourth position, a position then reinforced with the latest 4-3 victory against Yveltal away.

Stewart also added that he did not believe the rumours of Mossebien's background were true, and that reporters from New Montreal States were just fabricating stories to suit their own agenda.

[Carialus]

Wartorn
Part 6

The 52 planes returned from their disastrous attack and landed on the Bordai. In the air strike, 9 of the 25 "Storks" had been downed and 14 of the 50 "Ducks" were destroyed.dai[/i], the planes were disarmed, had their wings folded, and were lowered to the inner decks. However, the mission had not been a total flop. The bombers had struck 11 boats with those torpedoes. Those hits severely damaged a battle ship, sunk a cruiser and damaged two others, and sent five destroyers to the sea floor.

Now NoGs were brought to the flight deck. The NoGs, without a nickname, were armed with radar guided "sidewinder" missiles and refueled. The planes were readied just in case a surprise air strike came.

The two fleets began to draw near at around 8:00 am. The Carialite fleet had many advantages over the Deala one. First, the Carialites had much more fire power in the form of three battle ships while Deala only had one operational battle ship. Next, Carialus had air superiority over Deala in this battle. However, Deala had advanced antiaircraft (AA) technology.

The first moves were made when the six submarines from Carialus dived down and rapidly approached the Deala fleet. Unluckily for the subs, at that time the hostile fleet was using sonar to scan the ocean floor and found the encroaching subs. The destroyers in the fleet, designed to destroy submarines, released depth charges into the water. Giant splashes of water shot into the air as they exploded. Instantly, three of the subs were neutralized and one was damaged and taking on water. However, the two that weren't damaged stalked up to the last remaining Deala battle ship and shot off four quick torpedoes that ripped open the ships hull. The flagship for the Deala fleet then sank in a matter of 30 minutes as the submarines slinked away.

Demoralized, the Deala fleet prepared for a desperate fight. At 9:00 am, the two fleets could see each other. The three Carialite battle ships had the longest range and began taking potshots at the enemy. The wounded Deala fleet had no choice but to draw closer to their death. As the navies came closer, the battle ships became increasingly effective and destroyed the lead Deala cruiser. Finally, the Deala cruisers were in range and shot off a devastating volley of cannon fire. However, the effort only sunk a destroyer and lightly damaged a battle ship. The Carialite fleet answered with a massive volley that sunk six destroyers and severely damaged two cruisers. Now there was only two operational cruisers and one destroyer. All of the other ships were either at the bottom of the ocean or sinking.

As a last ditch effort, a Deala cruiser turned their engines to full power and shot off towards the hostile fleet. Somehow, the cruiser managed to dodge the other ships and rammed straight into a battle ship with the sickening squeal of twisting pipes and metal. The cruiser had successfully rammed the battleship and would now drag it down to a watery grave.

Unfortunately, the rest of the Deala fleet did not want to do suicide attacks and surrendered their remaining forces at 10:30 am. In all, the Carialite fleet captured 20,000 Deala sailors, one healthy cruiser and destroyer. The fleet then moved to where the damaged ships were and captured four damaged cruisers and one damaged battleship.

The admiral of the fleet then sent the damaged ships to Carialus where they would be drydocked and converted into the Carialite Navy. Also, one undamaged destroyer was sent with the convoy for added protection. On board the destroyer, the 20,000 POWs were placed on the top deck and where they were unshaded from the relentless sun. POWs would frequently jump overboard to get away from the ship. They would rather drown then be faced with the prospect of being a prisoner to Carialus or even worse, being impressed into the enemy Navy. These were hard times indeed.

[Bears Armed]

“So, let’s smell hwhether I’ve got this hrright. Those four players hwho seem to be from the Belles’ verrry first line-up ever AREN’T from an ‘alternative reality’ like the one hwhere Armed Bears exists in place of our own homeland, they’re from our own Reality instead… but having then here with urrs, instead of back in their own era preparing for World Cup #45’s qualifying stages won’t affect our history in that tournament and the ones following it?
“Bear-on-a-stick! How is that supposed to work?!?”

“Well, from hwhat I heard beforepaw, Sermharn the Stranger claims that the simple explanation is that each ‘Reality’ within the larger Multiverse doesn’t just have a single, unbranched, timeline. Hwhat happens is that different possible rrresults hwhen metaphysically significant events occur can somehows exist simultaneously alongside each other, at least in some ‘potential’ kind of way, and although sometimes they continue indefinitely as “parallel” to each other — and might actually become fully separate ‘Realities’ from each other altogether, eventually, after all — sometimes they just re-join to form a single timeline again later on and hwhat people living after those junctions smell if and hwhen they sniff backwards into their history is probably some sort of “average” set of effects for all of those combined possibilities instead…
“And so although these four footballers are from the same basic Reality as urrs within the Multiverse they’re actually from another ‘branch’ than ours within the time-line, a branch that’s split off separate from the one in our own past in hwhich they stayed in their own original time and played in World Cup #45 and onwards, so their travelling forwards in time to join urrs only affects that other branch’s history hrrather than our own… Hokay?”

“Urrgah! That’s the ‘simple’ explanation, is it? Trying to understand it makes my head hurt.”

“My head too, hrrreally, for true.
“Heyyah, maybeso this means that we are actually “parallel” versions of a single ‘historical’ individual, hrrather than separate persons?”

“Don’t go there. Just don’t, hokay?”

“Well… Hokay.”

______________________________________________________________

OOC
And that’s my attempt at explaining the concept of ‘Hypertime’, an idea “borrowed” from DC Comics, that I mentioned briefly in my last RP. To be honest, DC’s own attempts at explanation weren’t much more detailed and some of them may have conflicted with each other.
‘Sermharn the Stranger’ is the character based on a version of me — but a version who had assumed Ursine form when he moved from England to Bears Armed — whom I introduced in RP quite a few World Cups ago by now and who’s been seen occasionally since then working with the country’s mystical defenders.

[The Sarian]

A Parliamentary Coup - Part One
By Heather Weller, Conservative Leader

Gilbert Hall, Chippenham

Chief Presidium - And the question is, does this house have confidence in His Majesties Government? All of that opinion, aye, all opposed nay.

It started the second he was elected, the United Liberals were liked in opposition, they were liked in theory. But in reality, people didn't like them, and they certainly did not like Robert Balfour.

With the United Liberals, it was one disaster after the other, the independence of Lojal, the oil strike, the Lavington Park disaster, the Grimaldi case, even The Sarian football team failing to win. In short and frank terms, it was a total cock up. Then the budget came, turns out this country is in the biggest debt crisis we have ever seen, it made the meltdown of 2102 look like an Imperia lost down the sofa.

There were protests, there were strikes, there was outrage, businesses went bust, people became unemployed and the stock market crashed. Just three months after the budget, The Sarian was an unrecognizable place.

Well, not unrecognizable, the landmarks were still there, and the people, and the flag, and the government, and the monarchy. In fact, it was very recognizable if you didn't look at the 21% drop in GDP per Person.

And that's how we got here, a government on the edge of implosion. Just one night, one night that could see the first government democratically brought down for two hundred and three years.

And it all started one night, three weeks ago, with a Right to Die Bill.

---

Editorial: Right to Live

Conservative Leader, Heather Weller is right to warn of the dangers of legalising assisted suicide. Under current law, it is a criminal offence to help someone to die, and yet the governments attempts to legalise assisted dying is due before the Legislative Assembly and unless it is defeated, it could be the first uncertain step on a very slippery slope.

Life can be full of pain and every sympathy should be extended to those who wish to die in dignity and peace. But legalisation leads to bureaucratisation, turning a matter of complex moral concern into one of legal box-ticking. Worse still, as we are seeing in the Northern Sunrise Islands, it has the potential to become “normal”. Not only would this encourage ruthless relatives to persuade relatives to choose death, but it may also add to the wider societal pressure for the aged or the ill to see themselves as a “burden” on everybody else. We are already being bombarded with messages that our population is growing unmanageably old, fostering a culture of death. That is a culture that does not instinctively cherish all lives equally but rather directs attention and resources away from the infirm and towards the young and healthy.

One of the most important principles of medicine is the ancient pledge to do no harm. The emphasis of health care must be to treasure life and safeguard it. The push for assisted suicide is a troubling challenge to that fine tradition.

---

Gilbert Hall, Chippenham

Chief Presidium - "And the question is, is the House in favour of the Right to Die Bill? Those in favour, aye, those opposed, nay."

Five minutes passed where votes were cast on the screens in front of every parliamentarian. Finally, the voting closed.

Chief Presidium - "Votes in favour, seven hundred and eights, votes opposed seven hundred and fifty two. As such, it is the wish of this house that the Right to Die Bill be discarded."

I could hardly what she was hearing, the vote was over and the government had lost. The government had lost. I knew what she had to do next, discretely, I wrote a quick note and as on her way out of the chamber, slipped it in Jack Grimshaw, the Labourite Party leader's pocket.

[Greater Watford]

Joe Davis-GWFA Head Office
I sat down, the morning before the qualifying kicked off again. It’d been relaxing for the team, but not for me. The SLF were still at my throats, and I was now facing pressure from sponsors to try and increase the prominence of the lower leagues. I heard my phone ring. I picked it up, and heard the rough tones of Matty Langerford, owner of N.R.GEE. “So, this whole Super League thing. Don’t you think it’s going to create a “closed shop”?”
“Well, no, I think teams in the lower leagues will still have talent comparable to the Super League, I mean look at Abbots Langley, promoted through the playoffs and in the Top4 now.” I responded, with a bored tone.
“We at N.R.GEE want more prominence, we see the league as a great market opportunity. We need the freedom to invest more sponsorship money into the lower leagues.”
“I don’t want to create a Super League lite, it’ll affect the game from grassroots. We’re trying to establish a working pyramid here.”
“So, you don’t want money in the league?” Matty responded, aggressively.
“Look OK, I’ll arrange a meeting with you and the team owners. I can’t have money thrown at the league from all corners, it won’t work in the long term.”
“Fine, I’ll see you soon”. I heard the phone ring off, and I grabbed my hair. Can’t people just let me get on with my job. The World Cup’s taken a backseat for now. Besides, if the teams are promised money, and I don’t deliver, it’s my job on the line. I sat there and wondered why I even did this job now, if nobody listens to what I’m saying.
Gianpedro Dominico-Kick-off
I sat down on the bench, and heard the whistle go off, and the game started. It’d been a good break from international football, and I looked at rejuvenating the team. Having removed my metaphorical blurred glasses, I looked at the reality of the situation. The reality wasn’t actually that bad. With Brenecia tumbling, we were 5th, and only a few points off the Top3. Furellum were above us, but a win could send us into the Top3. Nevertheless, the inconsistent team made me think it could be a challenge.
Alessandro de Rosso, as per usual sat beside me. He’d been doing some private research with the scouting team about our performances, and his suggestions enlightened me. I’d not picked up on the fact that we were making a lot of runs out wide, and not cutting back in. Also, our defending down the wings was lacking as such. To counter this, I’d reversed Harris and Revson back to their old positions, and placed the Warthon brothers out wide. This seemed to tighten up the defence in training, but to put it onto the pitch was a different matter entirely. I could only hope it works.
Mario Mannetti-Executive Boxes, Hornet’s Nest.
Today, I was sitting with Milo Gregory, fellow Watford FC striker, also serving his final game of a 3-game ban. We’d hoped to be watching an exciting match, but this 0-0 draw was anything but that. Of more interest, was the rising storm in the GWFA. Milo leant forward, and asked “So, do you think the SLF are in the right?”
I sat and pondered. “Well I can’t say Joe isn’t doing a bad job, but I think he’s one of those, who likes the “good old days” of football. If anything, we need to modernise, and if that’s in the form of commercialism, than I guess so.”
“I think Joe just needs to realise that football is ever-changing, and we’re getting nowhere by sticking to the old. Change can be great, and change is needed.” Milo responded.
“As far as I care, more money can only bring benefits. Academies get better, stadiums get better, and we reach a wider audience.” I said
“And we’re paid more.” Milo said, smiling.
“Yeah, I guess so. But seriously, some people in power seem to let their roles get to them. I mean, if Joe does resign, I hope he’s replaced by a hard-working, conventional figure, much like him, but no egoistical like some in the offices.”
“There’s egoistical people?” Milo said, puzzled.
“Trust me, I’ve seen some of the team owners. You’re telling me that they’re all normal, civilised businessmen who understand how football works. Not a chance.” I said, shaking my head.
“As long as I’m out there playing well, I don’t care what happens behind the scenes”. Milo said,and I let out a small chuckle.

[Zenic]

Positive start to the second half of Qualifying

Greetings everyone. Magnusson here once more to deliver you the news about the Zenic national team that you’ve all been waiting for. If you remember, we started off the first half of qualifying with a moral victory in a 4-2 loss to Hutt River. Now, we've done even better: we tied Hutt River 4 goals apiece.

It was an early start for us as Kun-Woo delivered a goal in the 11th minute. However, Lee Hunt of Hutt River helped his team by scoring an equalizer at the 15th minute mark after some brilliant passing between himself and Ezra Hobbs. Steve Gibson would give them a 3-1 lead over us after goals in the 32nd and 39th minutes. At the half, it seemed like a lost cause for the Zenic national team from the looks of the players and staff interacting with each other going into the tunnel. Yet, whatever was said in the locker room got the team focused and ready for the second half.

That new focus and resolve took a while but it delivered a goal eventually: a header by Ayaode in the 63rd minute brought the team within one. However, Hutt River and manager Albert Müller were going to stand for that as he brought on Kermode for Gibson which worked in their favor resulting in a fourth goal for the side, making it a 4-2 game at the 68th minute. Normally, that would deflate a team and its supporters but it was the opposite here: the supporters got up in the 70th minute to rally their team. The players responded with a goal off a corner from, of all people, LB Leon Gaspare Rosso, who seems to be invigorated by his recent move from AC Kraft to Cyflymder CP. Then, in the 85th minute, Ayaode once again proved why he is the leading scorer for the national team with a second goal in the game to tie it up at 4-4 before the game ended.

Really, looking at this game, there is so much promise from this team: an improved result from the last time we faced this team shows that we will eventually be a top team in the universe with enough training and experience. Not to forget that this result helps keep us in contention for a playoff spot. Now we host a second straight game, this time against New Alderaan-Coruscant, hoping to continue our positive momentum.

Xavier Magnusson is one of the oldest and most respected sports writers at the Leinz Herald. Having 32 years of award-winning journalism and experience covering both domestic and international association football competitions, it is only appropriate that he would be the one to cover the Empire’s first ever international tournament. Magnusson will also be attending and covering the 55th Baptism of Fire, 68th World Cup and any other subsequent international association football tournament Zenic enters for many years to come.

[Armakistan]

One goal enough for Armakistan to claim win.

Armakistan claimed revenge on the opening day defeat by Quakmybush by winning the return fixture 1-0. The results means that their is now a four way battle for the playoff spots between Northern Sunrise Islands, Kinitaria, Lymantatia and of course Armakistan. The goal came from star player Nick Kelly who hasn't missed a game or not scored in a game in Armakistan history. How long will it last? Can a team keep a clean sheet against Armakistan? Quakmybush came the closest yet but missed out when James Darling found Kelly unmarked at the back post with a cheeky rabona cross. Kelly made no mistake with the header powering past the diving keeper. However Marston Stadium saw more controversy when a fan was shot dead after the game by supporters of Marston's regime. The fan was reportedly takING part in a demonstration against the regime as the civil war spreads nationwide. Armakistan now look ahead to their game against Ratastan and will be looking for another crucial 3 points.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Corporal Evan Briggs was looking forward too tonight. Undercover work had its benefits sometimes and tonight was one. He was working with the local Marston Brigade, as the called themselves, to root out and stop anti-government protests especially the violent ones and tonight they were going to face off to rebels at the Armakistan football game. Despite these men working on his side he was undercover in the Marston Brigade so that he could not be picked out as secret service by the rebels they were hunting. If he was in uniform they'd be either shooting at him or they wouldn't show their face until they had a clear chance to kill him. They arrived early and saw no unrest and just many happy football fans from both sides.

They blended in with the crowd and watched the first half in peace. It was sadly a rather dull affair with neither team capable of scoring. The group of 15 men were joined by a few more for the second half and now it got a it more exciting even if the scores were still tied at 0-0 on the pitch. Protesters were starting to find their voice and banners insulting the government and President who had fled the country. The group of men now began to chant back much to the displeasure of most of the crowd. Objects were thrown between the two sides and they hardly noticed the wonder goal their side scored to win the game. The violence spilled out on the streets and Briggs kept his distance as the first fights broke out. The security was unable to separate the two sides and had called in for support from the local army group based on site to the stadiums park for instances like this. However, they were busy celebrating the win and where low to react.

Mass brawls now broke out and Briggs was more involved using his superior training to disarm and beat those that attacked him. He broke the arm of a large protester who was wore the Armakistan national shirt. He then decked another smaller man after he rushed him. The man then preceded to be kicked by other Marston Brigade members. Briggs realised his group was dreadfully out numbered and he slowly tried to persuade them to back away, however they continued to put up a fight. Soon however they were surrounded and Briggs was under threat. He had around 3 men and a 2 women surrounding him. The Brigade started to run but Briggs had no way out. Or did he?

Briggs was carried his sidearm, he wasn't supposed to use it but he wasn't about to be killed himself. He pulled it out from its holster and waved it at the closest two men. They didn't back off. He turned to face one of the women and she didn't seem fazed. 'Sh*t' he thought. 'Sh*t, Sh*t, Sh*t' he muttered out loud. Briggs had no choice now. Bang! He fired off a warning round. Bang! And another. It wasn't working the man too his right lunged at him. Bang! This shot wasn't a warning. The men dropped dead, blood rushing from the wound to his face perfectly hitting him between the eyeballs. Now they stopped approaching him. Filled with fear. Briggs didn't hang around, he turned and fled the scene.

[Cassadaigua]

First place showdown tonight,
by Rachel Sharper, Concord Heights Times- Senior Editor

With the standings in group nine what they are, it stands to reason that there will not be a more important qualifying game for either Cassadaigua or New Montreal States then the one here, tonight. Sure, there’s plenty of time for the winner of the game to blow the advantage somewhere else down the road, but tonight is the night. What we know is that the two nations have all but officially clinched advancement to the playoff stage as both are too good to have the kind of collapse that would have to happen for them to fall out of the top three. If the game ends in a draw, then all of this pomp and circumstance will seem to be a waste: three points are on the line, and the playoffs are easier for the group winner.

Cassadaigua will be well-rested, as they did not play the starters for the 3-0 win in Wesleyia, a nation that has only managed three points, total, so far. Instead, Lindsay Doran got the start, and stopped all one of the shots on target that she had to deal with. For her, practice sessions are likely more difficult. Another “LD”, Lauren Dillon, took advantage of her start and scored the games first goal, in the 19th minute. Most eyes were on Maddie Kirwin, who has been the Fillies super sub all qualifying, but instead got the start here tonight. It seemed as though Maddie tried to do a little too much early on, likely in an effort to prove a point that she can be effective for an entire game, and not just because she has fresh legs coming in when everyone is tired. Kirwin did score her 5th of qualifying in the 37th minute to put Cassadaigua up 2-0. She played well until she was relieved by Jessica Tolson in the 63rd. Coach Barrett certainly realized that it would be more important to have her ready for the big game against the Paladians. The third goal was a 70th minute tally off the foot of Courtney Benson. Wesleyia had nothing for the match, and played in front of a stadium which was likely less then 10% full. World Cup qualifying has not been a priority for the nation, and it shows in the morale of their players, and on the group table.

Morale, meanwhile, is not a problem for New Montreal States. After getting as high as 5th in the world prior to World Cup 67, they failed to qualify for a berth to Cassadaigua or Equestrian States. Therefore, the Paladians trip to Concord Heights Stadium will be “four years too late” (or whatever their timeline has it), and this is a great chance for them to erase some bad memories of not having been here when they wanted to be here. New Montreal States likes to crowd the midfield, using a base 2-6-2 formation. Their coach, bad music taste and all (How can anyone say Neighbors Were Made For Exploiting was not one of the greatest albums of all time?), wishes to generate more offense. Obviously then, look for the Fillies to utilize more long ball play and perhaps be more aggressive with a more 4-3-3 style then the conventional 4-4-2. That of course, is Ashley Barrett’s decision, but overloaded midfields truly are made for exploiting.

We’ll see you at the match!

[The Archregimancy]

Sinners Just Ain't No Good
By the Backstreet Monks

Sinners just ain't no good
I think that's well understood
So our team just ain't no good

They played against Landpolis
In the stadium they played their game
All the abuse come raining down
When they lost that important game

The sun would stream on the field
Awoken by the morning birds
We bought the sporting newspapers
And read every single word

Sinners they ain't no good
Sinners they ain't no good
So our team they ain't no good

Seasons came, Seasons went
Landpolis stripped our defence bare
A different team now leads the group
Leaving us in deep despair
The result slammed us like a fist
The windows rattling in the gales
To which we drew the curtains
Made out of old nuns' veils

Sinners they ain't no good
Sinners they ain't no good
So our team they ain't no good

To our team send a dozen white lilies
To our team send a coffin of wood
To our team let all the sins accumulate
Because sinners they just ain't no good

To our team send back all the letters
To our team an icon of sweat and blood
To our team let all the jilted supporters cry
Because sinners they just ain't no good

It ain't that in their hearts they're bad
They can comfort you, some even try
They nurse you when you're ill of health
They bury you when you go and die
It ain't that in their hearts they're bad
They'd stick by you if they could
But that's just nonsense, I'll tell you
Sinners just ain't no good

Sinners they ain't no good
Sinners they ain't no good
Sinners they ain't no good
Our team they ain't no good at all



OOC - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwv5oQPlrbw

[Razul]

From: emmilialr@rzlmail.com
To: jarredtiger@rzlmail.com

Well honey, I would love to say that I thought this was a good sign but I'm getting discouraged in terms of our consistency. Eduardo was right. But a 1-1 tie is definitely better than a 4-1 loss. How's swimming going? I was glad to hear that Kay joined back up again. Do you know if he's going to be playing soccer this year? Alright that's all I have time for, unfortunately. I'm going to an extra practice session.

Missing you so much,
Love,
Mom

[Yttribia]

Absolutely fucking fantastic. The third straight loss for the Yttribians. I mean, yes, Terry Hyme did score, but this was virtually nothing, as Charruterra Got the upper hand on Simon Jewel. His final days as manager of the squad were numbered. And to think that after a terrible loss like this, he was going to announce to the media of his imminent retirement.

You could look at the entire locker room inside the Estadi dels Núvlos, and see a look of disappointment and respect. Disappointment because they failed to start off his final seven matches with a comfortable victory, and hopefully extend his career as the national manager all the way to the playoffs, and eventually get out of the slump that his team is currently in.

However, at the same time, he felt that the squad were highly grateful for the time and dedication he put in to his squad. Each and every minute he spent with the squad brought him great joy and pleasure, but he knew that his dedication to his domestic club was too much. His stuff was packed, and he was ready to fly to the capital for his next match. However, he had to face the one thing he loathed the most: the media.

Brushing off his training jacket, and making sure his slacks are creased and nicely ironed. He saw the bask of photographers and their bright flashes, and knew that the only good thing out of his retirement was that he had seven more of these conferences to handle. He had a strut to his table. While Jewel usually let his players talk about their matches, he decided that he would face the media for once.

Taking a deep breath, he began his press conference, one of his last conferences. "My name is Simon Jewel, and as you may all know I am the manager of the Yttribian national squad, and of Guayabalese club Energiya Primyore. After taking the latter job, I have not been able to keep up with my two major properties. Because of this, I am to retire from managing international football, effective once the tenth edition of the Campionato Esportiva begins. I would like to thank everyone who has helped made this journey one of the best experiences of my life. Thanks to all who've helped me as assistants, Cecil, Esther, Krista, and Jõhannes for making this trip super fun. I also wish the Federation best of luck on finding a successor."

With that, Jewel left the press room, much to the Disney of the journalists present. He had the next six weeks or so to enjoy his favorite job in the world. Hopefully, his opponents that he is left to face would honor him in any sort of way, but he was fine with his life. After all, he had six more games to lead the nation to a possible berth in the World Cup Playoffs.

[McKleigh]

Reality check! McKleigh lost by a score of 5-2 with McKleigh's scores coming at the 67 and 74 minute marks after Equestrian States had scored 4 of their 5 goals and eased up a bit and had already began to play celebration music in the stadium. It is safe to say that they were not in stride(no pun intended) yet match 1 and now are, and that this could have been even uglier. Tonight's matchup in Patistan will have McKleigh playing underdog again however in speaking with Manager William Bruce the team seams extremely motivated to bounce back from last nights match and he expects them to play above and beyond their normal level of play tonight. We will see if that plays out.

We are also inform that the following statement was issued just now by the management board.

Dear Shaheer Shazib,
We regret that as we have not yet heard a response back from you yet to the letters we have enclosed for reference, we will be unable to exchange players for training at tonights game as we have elected to not purchase them flight tickets untill we have finalized arrangements with you. We do however still have desire to do the exchange at a later time once we have ironed out the details with you. Thanks again.
M.S.M.B.

To: Ludwig Hazlitt Menger (ruler of Mckleigh)
From: Shaheer Shazib (PM of Patistan)

Hello Ludwig this is Shaheer the Prime minister of Patistan.Our nations have not known about each other since these world cup qualifiers.Well i am happy to say that your football team has caught my eye ,i am a very big football fan and seeing your nation at No.3 despite not being ranked in a way has inspired me.So today i am sending this telegram to you as a proposed deal between our two nations,"My nation Patistans head football coaches will train selected players of MCkleigh,the players shall be selected by Mckleigh football federation.In return selected players of Patistan football team shall be trained by coaches from Mckeligh,the player will be chosen by the Patistan football federation".I hope you accept this proposal,this proposal will lead to benefiting both of our nations and unlocking foreign relations between our nations.

Sincerely

Shaheer Shazib PM of Patistan.

Dear Shaheer Shazib,
Please be aware that while I think this is a wonderful idea and would have my blessing, the ultimate decision lies in the hands of those that are on the teams management board. I will gladly forward this invitation to them.
regards,
L.H. Menger

Shaheer Shzib,
We would gladly welcome your invitation. Might I suggest we start with an exchange of some reserve players when our nations meet on April 2. Then between this World Cup and WC69 we can do an exchange of some starters. Our strength is defense and I see your nation's is offense. Thus I would like to start by bringing to you the following 4 players on Wednesday; #20 Willard Bruce age 20 striker(son of the team manager and World Cup 55 star William Bruce), #21 Daron McSands age 19 forward, #23 John McGeorge age 19 forward, and #27 Belkbacbac Luagaslouitu age 17 striker.
Thank you for this invitation,
M.S.M.B.

[Sargossa]

Within the newly emptied confines of his inner sanctum Emparán pondered a suitable retort to a shock betrayal and yet more Polarian provocation. Options ran through his mind at a pace. The suspension of all economic treaties between the nations. The immediate expulsion of the Pasargan ambassador. The systematic carpet bombing of Torgos, Paulinthal and Stein-los. Simple solutions for a much simply time.

Sadly the dictators of today had to display a certain delicate touch. So instead El Generalissimo responded in a most uncharacteristic fashion.

= = = Official Communiqué = = =

To: HRH Queen Júlía Ólafsdóttir, Dominion of Pasarga
From: President Gregorio Emparán, Republic of Sargossa
c/o: Embassy of the Sargossan Republic, Torgos


Your Royal Highness,

I was saddened to learn of your decision to end the close military ties that exist between our two nations, ties that had stood strong for decades. In these troubled times it would seem prudent to keep your friends close but your decision has been made and, in honour of the historical bond between our governments and the high esteem in which I hold you and your uncle before you, it will be respected. I have given orders for the complete withdrawal of Sargossan forces from Pasargan soil, a withdrawal that will commence within the next forty eight hours.

I can assure you that my soldiers would have bled and died to protect your nation. I only hope your new Polarian friends are quite so dedicated.

Yours,

Gregorio Emparán
President
Republic of Sargossa

= = = Official Communiqué = = =

[Chiata]

Wartorn
Part 7

Over the North Sea-

The Chiata Air Force was in a "pickle." Their DEN-2s were spread thin all around the ocean because of the frequent raids for the Carialite NoG fighter. Already, eleven T-72s had been shot down fully loaded with much needed supplies intended for the air ports of Deala. Also, 24 DEN-2s had been downed by NoGs over the North Sea. However, the defending "Buzzers" (DEN-2s) had taken a toll on the NoGs by scoring 29 confirmed kills. Already, with the war only have been lasting for two weeks, the Chiatan Air Force had gained a flying ace in the form of two airmen in a DEN-2. Their names were Quinten Door and Gerald Kognac and they had earned their ace badges by downing five NoGs in a life or death dogfight.

A group of three "Buzzers" had been patrolling a sector when five NoGs surprise attacked them. Two of the DEN-2s were instantly destroyed by "sidewinder" radar guided missiles. Somehow, in the next few moments, Door and Kognac were able to neutralize the five enemy planes. In a hair raising moment, when the two pilots were fighting the last remaining NoG, they fire their last "sidewinder" and watched it release without its rocket starting. Then, as if the missile had a change of heart, it started up again and exploded once it hit the NoG.

Anyway, the CAF needed a secure way to transport goods from Chiata to Deala. A barge filled with goods had already tried going to Deala but had been destroyed by a Carialite submarine, so shipping supplies by water was not an option. The only clear way was to go by air. To do that, the CAF needed to clear the skies. Unfortunately, as stated before, the DEN-2s were spread thin from combating the NoGs.

As a solution, the CAF employed the use of the 42-7, an old fighter made in the 2050s (ic time is currently 2095). The 42-7, called the "Pigeon" due to its small size, was in great abundance in Chiata and the CAF had thousands of them. However, the "Pigeon" only had a max air speed of 500 knots, and air ceiling of 20,000 feet, and carried no missiles, just 5 mm auto cannons. All in all, the 42-7 is basically a Work War Two fighter plane made for low costs in the modern era. Some airmen joked that they named it the 42-7 because they could make 42 a day, seven days a week.

Despight their poor stats, the 42-7s were effective when used in mass numbers. As a result, the CAF had asked for 5,000 civilian pilots to volunteer and the demand was met within five days. After only one week an air pathway between Deala and Chiata had been secured. Of course, 84 "Pigions" had been destroyed on the process and only downed seven more NoGs, but it was the price that had to be payed if the CAF wanted Deala to be fortified for the assumed invasion.

[Star United States]

If there are any mistakes, titles, etc. please forgive me and telegram me so that I may fix them.

Star United States

---

The World Cup 68 Qualifies

---

☆★ Four, Four, Four ★☆
Cuarto, Cuarto, Cuarto
Quarto, Quarto, Quarto

---

Previous Editions: SUS Roster, First Victory, Check, Second Victory? Oh yeah!, First Tie? Okay., Rocking The Tournament, Still Surviving, Another Day, Another Tied Game, The First Lost Game

The Golden Stadium, Star United States - Yesterday Star United States faced Carialus, and the match was a tie to the score of 4 - 4, and it was the fourth match Star United States has tied. (Get it? 4, 4, 4?)

Star United States 4 - 4 Carialus

Minute 0: Beep. The match started with Carialus having possession of the ball.

The first goal of the match came on minute 6, where Fuller, a forward of Carialus, scored a goal. Carialus took the lead early in the match. (Star United States 0 - 1 Carialus)

On minute 12, came the response of Star United States to the goal scored on minute 6, Soarison, a player of Star United States scored. Therefore bringing the match to a tie. (Star United States 1 - 1 Carialus)

Most of the match went smooth, until minute 22, when Frost scored, helping Carialus take the lead. (Star United States 1 - 2 Carialus)

Minute 44: Horas, player of Star United States, scored the goal. This goal tied the game once again. (Star United States 2 - 2 Carialus)

Minute 45: Beep, the referee ended the match without a second to spare

Minute 56: The first goal in the secon match came by Soarison, of Star United States. Putting Star United States in the lead. (Star United States 3 - 2 Carialus)

Minute 64: Star United States player Solo scored a goal, putting Star United States even farther ahead. (Star United States 4 - 2 Carialus)

Minute 73: After a while with Star United States being on the lead Lelek, a player of Carialus, slipped the ball through the hands of Spark, the goalkeeper of Star United States, and scored. (Star United States 4 - 3 Carialus)

Minute 89: Right when Star United States saw three points added to there points on the standings, Fuller, player of Carialus scored a goal. This goal made the game a tie again. (Star United States 4 - 4 Carialus)

Minute 90: And without a second to spare, the match ended.

What's Up With The Rest?

Group 18
New Mumford 0–5 The Inevitable Syndicate
Arititan 2–3 Astograth
New South Aqmuland 2–4 The Royal Barangay
Star United States 4–4 Carialus

  Group 18                         Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 The Inevitable Syndicate           8    6   1   1    19    3  +16    19
2 Astograth                          8    6   1   1    22   10  +12    19
3 The Royal Barangay                 8    4   2   2    22   18   +4    14
4 Star United States                 8    3   4   1    22   19   +3    13
5 Carialus                           8    3   2   3    20   16   +4    11
6 New South Aqmuland                 8    3   1   4    16   18   −2    10
7 New Mumford                        8    1   0   7     8   27  −19     3
8 Arititan                           8    0   1   7     8   26  −18     1

As you can see in the table above, Star United States fimds themselves right at fourth place, under The Royal Barangay, who won their match yesterday against New South Aqumland. There's still hope for some team to make it across, and for others sorry. Match Day Eight has come and gone. Hello Match Day Nine.

Matches: World Cup 68 Qualifiers
Partidos: Clasificación para la Copa Mundial 68
Jogos: Eliminatórias da Copa do Mundo 68

3/24: @ Carialus (Won 2 - 3)
3/25: @ New Mumford Won 1 - 2)
3/26: v. New South Aqumland (Tied 2 - 2 )
3/27: @ Aritian (Won 2 - 4)
3/28: v. The Inevitable Syndicate (Tied 1 - 1)
3/29: @ Astograth (Tied 2 - 2)
3/30: v. The Royal Barangay ( Lost 3 - 4)
4/1: v. Carialus (Tied 4 - 4)
4/2: v. New Mumford
4/3: @ New South Aqumland
4/4: v. Aritian
4/5: @ The Inevitable Syndicate
4/6: v. Astograth
4/7: @ The Royal Barangay

3 - 4 - 1

Home Games Venues

*please note that all dates have been pushed back one day*

April 3, 2014
SUS v. New Mumford
Star Stadium

April 5, 2014
SUS v. Aritian
Five-Point Stadium

April 7, 2014
SUS v. Astograth
Stadium of Jackson

Today's Match

Today Star United States will face New Mumford in the Star Stadium, in the the capital city, City of Star. Last time these two teams met, New Mumford losy to the hands of Star United States to the score of 1 - 2. New Mumford is currently in seventh of Group 18, and is underranked, and Star United States is in fourth. Anything is possible. Best of luck to all the teams.

[Svengarda]

For the majority of the day, Eremeni was able to put Kom to the back of his mind and focus on his studies at heart. It was all going well until the second last lesson of the day, when all hell broke loose.

Eremeni's desk was in the 3rd row of 5, roughly in the middle of the classroom, and not within easy reach of the locker. The class was busy doing some History work when Eremeni got up to replace the ink cartrdige. He was walking back towards his desk when he saw that the door of his locker was slightly ajar. His heart skipped a beat. He darted between the desks to reach the locker, and the teacher looked up from his desk and enquired as to what he was doing

"Err, nothing, sir, nothing, just..." He crouched down and frantically rummaged around his locker to fish out his rucksack. He took it out and looked back at his teacher, who was now standing, looking very displeased.

"Just getting a book, sir" He drew out a random book to cover his case. His heart raced faster as he couldn't find the duck. It was yellow, so it shouldn't be hard to miss. A couple more frantic seconds of searching and it became apparent: the duck wasn't in there.

"F***" he muttered under his breath, contemplating his options: he couldn't go searching until after school, as his last lesson was in another classroom, totally away from the main area of the school, so there was no time to search in between lessons. But if he didn't go quick, it could go anywhere. He realised he had to move fast, so he got up back to his desk, smiling sheepishly to his teacher. He just sat down when he looked outside the window which divided his classroom and the hallway when he stopped.

It was the duck. Hopping down the hallway.

His eyes widened and he dropped the book.

"Eremeni, are you alright?" asked his teacher, slightly concerned by his behaviour.

"There...ya...jzpttt.." Eremeni once again struggled to put coherent words together and he just feverishly pointed out the window towards the duck. His teacher was about to respond when Eremeni made a run for it. He bolted out of the door, skidded on the lino floor and dived on Kom, who was heading for an open door to the library. His teacher quickly followed, watched by eager onlookers from his class, lined up at the window.

"Eremeni! Get back here! Now!" The teacher seemed positively angry.

Eremeni scrambled up from the floor, hiding Kom under his sweater, where he wriggled incessantly. He was escorted back into the classroom, where he was greeted by an awkward silence from his peers.

"Balls"

[Antoletia]

Ants get win in UzBenistan

It was a foregone conclusion that the Fire Ants would pick up all three points in their trip to UsBenistan. It was jut how many goals would they score against their opponents and how long it would take them to score these goals. Ultimately it was only a one goal win for the the Ants, which on the road is enough. They got the goal 20 minutes in as vice-Captain Georghe von Leeweonheouck found Hannibal on the wing who passed the ball in to a trailing Raphael who slotted the ball on a curl past the goalkeeper. It was a rather impressive team goal for the Ants. That said the big game is coming up. After 8 matches the Ants sit 4th, 2 points out of playoff position and with a big game against Blouman Empire up next. A loss in the game will not rule them out, but it will hurt them. A tie keeps the status quo, but a win makes everything a whole new ball game. The Ants with a win could make it a race, and force everyone in the top 4 into a frantic win or go home situation in the final 5 games. A win is the best case scenario. With matches against all three of the top sides the Ants really hold destiny in their own hands. Win out and you basically assure yourself a play off spot and a great chance at qualification. That said, we shall see.

[Taeshan]

Purple Knights Get Final Win before Showdown

The Purple Knights have officially done all they needed to do to set up the big match next week in Atlantea, between themselves and Valanora, with a 2-0 win on the opener of the second half of qualification. A scary little final road trip with their hopes on the line, the boys in Purple managed to get the necessary result to keep themselves 3 points back of the Vanoran leaders. Behind another impressive display on the road, the Knights defeated their opponents, Krad United, 2-0 on the road to push themselves to 7-0-1, and 21 points, just 3 points off of Valanora's 24. That said third place Quebec has also kept the trend of matching points and only sits another 3 points back so the games against the other two will decide all three teams fates. The Knights with 5 more wins could assure themselves of a great chance to qualify, but a few losses could hurt them a lot. That said the chances of falling out of the playoffs are relatively low with 4th place Kintratar 9 points off the pace and the lower ranked teams taking each other out of contention with relative parity.

It wasn't the greatest of starts for the Purple Knights. It looked early on like they were sluggish and perhaps could get trapped in what could be considered a trap game, not get the result they needed and be forced into more catch up in the coming weeks. But after halftime they managed to turn things around, led by inserted winger Adain Nostradamus who proved more up to it than his last appearance, playing for a seemingly sick right midfielder Andrew Müller who will hopefully be better for the big clash next week. Adain proved vital for the Knights winning the free kick that led to the first goal. Tlumach and Pantoum stood over it with Tlumach ultimately adding a third goal to his tally on the season pounding the ball into the net to give the Knights the opener in the 58th minute. Then the flood gates opened and the key to the Krad defense was unlocked. The Knights however only managed one more goal as another substitute Jansen Cardinal, on for Ender Wiggin, won a penalty which was converted by Tyler Pantoum. Also seeing the field in the game was Max Toledo on for Jeremi Krieder in the 81st minute.

[Darmen]

Mitchell Hellewege grabbed the stack of papers the Prime Minister had asked for. Almost the entire stack was memo's between the Bank of Darmen, the Ministry of Finance and the Prime Minister's Office, except for the one at the very top. It was from the Minister of Sport, Georges Thomas.

It read in part...

We want Babas too.

Actually, that was the entire message, the only other words on the page were: "From: Thomas, To: Peari." The message wasn't even on an official paper, it was handwritten on a page torn out of a notebook. Mitchell wasn't sure of exactly what that meant, but he was sure the Ministry of Sport wasn't that underfunded.

He dropped the papers onto the Prime Minister's desk, the Prime Minister peeking from behind his newspaper at the stack of papers. He grabbed the one underneath the note from Thomas, and took a look at it.

"It appears our boys at the Bank of Darmen did a fine job with that ByteCoin stuff. Our Bank Reserves grew by 1.8 billion percent."

Mitchell smiled, not exactly sure of whether that was a good thing, or whether the Prime Minister was being sarcastic.

"It appears we won't have to deal with the problem of national debt for quite some time. As a matter of fact, I think we can lift those restrictions on sport funding."

"Speaking of sport funding," said Mitchell, "Sir, you'll notice that Thomas sent you a note asking for money."

"Well, next time you see him, tell him he'll have to wait until next year, we can't go making a major amendment to the Budget now. Oh, and wear a helmet too, or knock. Make him open the door, just do whatever is needed to avoid a concussion, or I will have to give you a day off."

"Will do Sir. And only a day off? Don't concussions require at least two or three weeks?"

"Oh, please, there's a reason the Civil Service can't unionize."

[New Montreal States]

Dennis Barker got off the plane in Zijweg, Audioslavia, with a sign of relief. He had always believed that mankind would someday pay a several and lethal price for teabagging gravity thru international flight, and he was glad that he had managed to avoid paying that bill for another day. His time had come. Now all he needed to do was reclaim his ironing board from planeside check-in, as the flight attendants had insisted that it wouldn't

After exiting through the revolving door, Dennis breathed in deeply. The mostly free air of Audioslavaia, only moderately adulterated with industrial byproducts. It smelled like the chance of a lifetime. He felt like he was out of exile, and he wasn't remotely disappointed. He checked his old-timey flip phone for instructions on how to find the driver the Horseradish Surveillers had promised him. A new text message greeted him.

Welcome to Audioslavia, Mr. Barker. Pick up your baggage, then step outside into the taxi pickup queue, then be yourself. It's all that you can do, anyway. Our driver will proceed to meet you and then whisk you away."

---

The driver turned out to be behind the wheel of a neon-pink ice-cream van. He greeted Barker with a waffle cone full of green ice cream with white stripes. Not wanting to be rude, but not wanting to get ice cream all over his clothes before meeting his new boss, Barker took a very tentative bite.

"This is good. What is it?"

"Pistachio Horseradish Delight! I'm glad you like it. We've got thousands of gallons of the stuff laying around. Those philistines just don't know a good thing when they see it."

"Philistines?"

"Audioslavians. And the rest of AO. And the multiverse in general. I worked for months on the formula...and I guess the world just wasn't ready." The driver's eyes began to tear up. "Someday...someday..."

The rest of the trip was made in an awkward silence, broken only by jaunty music that began playing every time the driver braked.

---

The ice cream van pulled up in front of an old warehouse. A sign hanging over the front doors read "Mxindonor Fittings & Casings," except that "Mxindonor," "Fixings" and "casings" had been crossed out with red spray paint and replaced with "Horseradish," "Horseradish," and "Horseradish." The driver smiled and turned to Barker.

"Well, here we are. I'll unload your stuff. President Whoopsy will want to meet you, I'm sure."

Dennis walked into the building with a smile and a sense of satisfaction that only someone who's just had thousands of hours of horseradish observation result in his wildest dream coming true, down the finest detail, could experience or even hope to understand.

---

Dennis saw Filip Whoopsy the moment he entered the building. He was wearing an impeccable bespoken linen suit and reading a large blue binder labelled "Science." He walked up to his new boss with a spring in his step.

"Excuse me, sir, I'm Dennis Barker.”

“That doesn’t remind me of anything…”

Barker blanched. “You hired me on as the new horseradish observer…”

"Mr. Barker! Just when I thought that my day couldn't get any better!"

"I'm glad you're glad to see me, sir."

"Just this morning, we scientifically proved, using science, that you can catch more flies with horseradish-flavored mayonnaise than with honey and vinegar combined. And now you've shown up, ready to help solve our biggest problem. Let me introduce you to the woman you'll be working with, our new official Happy Scientist."

"Happy scientist, sir?"

"We used to employ an official Mad Scientist, but that didn't really work out. By the way, you'll be sleeping in a maintenance closet for a few days, since the empty room we were going to convert to your living quarters turned out to be full of invisible landmines. Also, an invisible gerbil armed with an invisible laser halberd."

"That's quite alright, sir. I travel pretty light. Just a few changes of clothing, toiletries, my trusty ironing board, and my brushes."

"Brushes?"

"Brushes. They remind me of my mother. She loved brushes."

"Ah?"

Dennis raised his voice as high as he could, which was about three-quarters of an octave across the board. "Dennis, brush your hair. Dennis, brush your teeth. Dennis, brush the cat." Dennis, brush these vegetables, then brush down the grill. Dennis, take this brush and repaint the trim on the first floor of the house. Dennis, there’s some dirt on my shoulders, can you brush it off for me..."

"I see! Well, there should be enough space for all that in there. And here comes your fellow Super Special Deluxe Task Force Kickass Alpha member, Almost-Doctor and resident Happy Scientist Chanxi Yuan!" A six-foot-two, twentysomething woman with bright green hair was walking down the hall towards Dennis and the president. If Dennis had been able to get over her hair color, he would have noticed her obsidian nose stud, permanent small smile, or that she was wearing a lab coat over a trench coat, with hospital slippers covering a pair of combat boots. But Dennis was too weirder out by her hair to process any of this.

"She's just a few credits short of her PhD in Mycology from Prestigious University. All NMSers are basically the same, right? You should get along just fine."

Chanxi extended her hand, and Dennis shook it automatically."

"All right, then," said Whoopsy. "Why don't you two hop on one foot into my office and I'll fill you in on what we know about this oomycete."

[Super-Llamaland]

Chapter 1
Chapter 1.5
Chapter 1.75
Chapter 1.875
Chapter 1.9375
Chapter 1.96875
Chapter 1.984375
Chapter 1.9921875
Chapter 1.99609375
Chapter The End

Doklp[lp;e4t64e Nr5wjnroik,jnew

I ran out of ideas, so I typed "Complete Randomness" with my elbow.

"Quick! What do we do!?!?!?" Llama yelled as the police ship approached the small, ellipsoid, broken spaceship that most of our protagonists (besides Billy, who was still bleeding apple juice in the alien spacecraft described in Chapter One but not too much after) inhabited at that moment.

"Mine ByteCoin!" shouted Jeck from a computer.

The spaceship's crew quickly leapt to the shipboard computers. They mined ByteCoin. They transferred money from their puppets to their main accounts. They timed the market to buy and sell their hard-earned ByteCoin. They whipped their imaginary ByteCoin miners.

"SJG! Don't hurt the miners!" Jeck yelled as SJG virtually flogged the ByteCoin miners one last time with his tie.

"I'll hurt the miners however I please! They're mine!"

"Slavery is banned! The police ship can see you do it!" Llama pointed out.

"Maybe you're about to face the death penalty for violating those Inter-Dimensional Rights, but flogging miners is not one. Now, flogging minors, that's a different story."

"No. Why are we doing this? We have to run away!" Llama screamed hysterically. He began to run around and hit things with a tambourine. "Please! I'm about to die! Help me, help me, help me!" Somebody offered to help him get away, but Llama accidentally killed him with the tambourine. The man was from the planet Tambourian Minor-Beta VI.5, but he was allergic to tambourines, which is why in his dying moments, he travelled back in time, relocated his grandparents to the spaceship, and woke up again there, although his family popped through the wrong wormhole into Ichthyian Major-Alpha V.6, where the family, allergic to fish, died.

The police ship loomed ominously in front of them, its cold blue exterior sliding slowly towards them like an odious slime mold.. A panicked Llama leapt out the window and held his breath. He tried to run away, and surprisingly enough, an omniscient dog gave him air and some special shoes that enabled him to run in the zero-gravity vacuum of outer space. He ran off into the sunset, the ship chasing after him but failing to catch up to his speed of c+1, being faster than the speed of light. This was important, because he gambled $500,000 that he could win a race against a flashlight and did so later on in the story.

SJG shrugged inside the spaceship.

---

"Yay!" cried Hicana, buying the omniscient dog's soul, spirit, and body for B$600,000. Suddenly, he felt himself rising above all. He tried to look at the gleaming source of light just above his forehead and his new, snow white, feathered wings.

"Hey! That dog stiffed me and sold me the soul, spirit, and body of an angel!" Hicana would have yelled had he not been an angel.

"Yayyyy!" echoed in his mind for no apparent reason. He felt eyes staring at him. He looked down, and it was SJG and Jeck.

"Goodbyyyeeee!" Hicana yelled. Then he began to flap his large, white wings.

SJG yelled something, like "Pook gout burr the feeling!" Hicana closed his eyes in silent bliss as he began to fly out of the spaceship...and bonked his head on the spaceship's ceiling.

"Ow!" cried Hicana, rubbing his head. The halo and wings had disappeared.

---

Billy was still unconscious. His head hurt. No, wait. Maybe he was conscious after all.

"Ow," he said. And then he died.

[Equestrian States]

Equestrian States vs. Zwangzug, Part II
by Steve McNotapony

When the Equestrian States national team takes the field against Zwangzug later today, you can be sure that the Ponies will want revenge for their earlier defeat at the hands of their black-and-white-clad opponents.

The Equestrians are currently just a single point behind the 27th-ranked team in the standings and come into the match with all cylinders firing. Since they were shut out in front of over 100,000 at Royal Equestria Stadium, the Ponies have scored at least three goals in every match since, including six against Levivania and five in their last game at unranked playoff-hopefuls McKleigh. This stands in stark contrast to the first couple matches of the qualifying campaign in which the Equestrian States struggled against McKleigh and Zwangzug at home.

The turning point for the Ponies came in the dying minutes of the first half against Iturributa. Finding themselves trailing 2-0 early on the road, things were looking grim until Pristina Shine scored on a brilliant drive straight through the heart of the Iturributan defense. In the second half, the Equestrians came out with guns blazing, scoring two goals to turn what seemed to be a nightmarish defeat into an exhilarating victory. A week later, the Equestrian States leveled Levivania in a rout that quite honestly was even more one-sided than the score suggests.

Ever since then, the Ponies have displayed the quality of play that propelled them to their current ranking, and will look to show that again tonight against the current group leaders. It will likely be a tough battle for both sides, but if the Equestrian States is playing at their best, even the Polarians would be hard-pressed to earn three points.

[Lymantatia]

Electrum 1–2 Lymantatia
Posted at 12:00pm 2014 April 3 by Edmund Diamond - The Lymantatian team has heavily improved with a record of 5-2-1.
Goalscorers
5 minutes - Sylvius Johnson (Lymantatia)
7 minutes - Jacques Bressler (Lymantatia)
38 minutes - N/A (Electrum)
Current Statistics
Average number of time of goals: 48 minutes
Average number of time of goals by other teams: 49 minutes
Most goals by person on Lymantatia's team: Jacques Bressler (17)