AOCAF 38 (EVERYTHING)

by **Audioslavia** » Fri Dec 07, 2012 2:53 am

Looking back at *that* celebration, four hours later, it did look a *bit* silly. As Van Wildernis wheeled away after having side-footed Audioslavia into an unassailable two-nothing lead, the camera cut to a jubilant Audioslavia bench; a bouncing physio, some substitutes hugging one another, and the vision of a be-suited Andre-Luis Partico, the supposedly unflappable manager, performing around a thousand fist-pumps, on his own, with the sort of action that made him appear to be kickstarting an invisible lawnmower. The camera stayed on him and his private world of celebration for a little longer than was really comfortable, but to be fair to Andre-Luis, there was a lot for him to celebrate. He probably needed every last one of those fist-pumps.

For one, the comparatively late kick-off ensured that Audioslavia knew already what was required of them, and that there was certainly a route through to the next round. Thanks to Mantwenic's 2-1 win over Svengarda, and some fortunate permutations elsewhere, they knew they needed to win by two goals, and knew in the moments leading up to Van Wildernis's strike that, as things stood, they were going home. VW's strike also ensured A-LP stayed in his job, for a few more weeks at least, and provided Audioslavia as a whole with a measure of redemption, a victory against a team that had scuppered their chances so often in recent years.

Van Wildernis's goal, fourteen minutes from time, hit all the targets at once.

Now, back at the hotel, Partico's thoughts drifted in the direction of Falcania, a team they'd faced and beaten before.

by **Starblaydia** » Fri Dec 07, 2012 4:59 am

If the world ended tomorrow, Jeremy Kintz knew that he would be able to meet his maker with the pride of a job well - nay, brilliantly - done. Anyone who can beat the number one team in the world would have a lovely gold star on his managerial CV, but to beat them so utterly and convincingly was undoubtedly the greatest achievement of his career. Jeremy had resolved to record every news report and football phone-in, save every website article and cut out every newspaper piece he could find. He was going to remember this for the rest of his life, and he didn't want a little thing like his brain getting in the way of reliving his biggest moment of glory, so far, in his career.

RAWRCRUSHed
Starblaydia demolish Valanora

Truly this is the stuff that dreams are made of. Though, yes, it's only an AOCAF Cup Group Stage match where one of the participants was already through and the other was near guaranteed a spot in the Knockouts, too, but never before have Starblaydia so well and truly thrashed Valanora.

Both sides have sent their number one squad to this AOCAF. Gone are the days, it seems, of a 'second team' turning out in the world's premier regional cup competition to represent the likes of Starblaydia and Valanora. With thirty-seven previous tournaments, the AOCAF is as strong as ever - even if it is currently dominated by the Blue Foxes.

Starblaydi interim manager Jeremy Kintz, who after this game may well find his chances of being full-time manager much higher than previously, had particular praise for his Vanorian-based players. "Del Astra and Rodah," he said, "were like titans in the centre of the pitch. Those two young players have really begun to come into their own in the EPL and they shackled the likes of Hawk, va Drake and Soldarian all morning, while the rest of the team were just as strong around them."

The victory sees Starblaydia through to the Second Round as the only unbeaten team in the competition, with only a solitary draw with 95X blotting their copybook. Even Pacitalia managed to slip up along the way, something that fans across the region will be hoping to see again.

The rankings tell us that, on paper, there can only be one winner. Pacitalia are ranked far and above any other team, whith a gaggle of around seven nations - Vilita & Turori, Valanora, Andossa Se Mitrin Veg, Audioslavia, Dorian and Sonya, New Montreal States and Osarius - all fighting for the right to be called second-best behind the Blue Foxes. Before this morning, Starblaydia came after that group, a further two places lower in the queue after the two most recent Di Bradini Cup Champions, Wight and Kiryu-Shi.

After this run, defeating the third-best team in the region (who are also the best in the world, which is a strange situation), Starblaydia now have to face the second-best team in the form of Vilita & Turori's combined effort. Can they overcome the Eel-cat-things in order to progress to the Quarter-Finals and face Andossa se Mitrin Vega or 95X? Based on this performance, Jeremy Kintz thinks so.

"It's absolutely an achievement we can reach, because from there the Final is a distinct possibility. Every match from here on should be treated like a Cup Final, because if you lose, you go home. I want us to go home winners."

Final score from Naš Stadion (31,998):
Valanora 0-4 Starblaydia
(None)-(Di Bradini 25, Kochanska 41, Natrionne 74, Khurnos 88)
-#-Nation                        P  W  D  L  GF  GA   GD Pts
_1 Starblaydia                   5  4  1  0  15   2   13  13_
 2 Valanora                      5  4  0  1  12   6    6  12
 3 95X                           5  3  1  1   6   3    3  10
 4 The Inevitable Syndicate      5  2  0  3   8   6    2   6
 5 Blouman Empire                5  0  1  4   2  14  -12   1
 6 Undisputed Atols              5  0  1  4   3  15  -12   1

Good old Chron. You could always rely on them for accurate, fairly unbiased reporting in their sports coverage. Even they had got a little carried away by the scoreline, but that couldn't be helped. Some of the other pieces, however, Jeremy would rather have ignored.

(OOC: The Daily Llama is a newspaper that you shouldn't take seriously, as you know...)

AS YOU KNOW... The weekly column that happens once a week

AS YOU KNOW... we are playing in the 38th AOCAF Cup, which is the international football tournament for nations in the region of Atlantian Oceania, which is the region that we are in. Football is our national sport, and some people call it soccer, which we don't mind because it's just a name and they call other things football at the same time (things that we don't call football). The current edition of the AOCAF Cup is being held in Farfadillis. Atlantian Oceania, or AO for short, is the oldest - and obviously the best - sporting region in the world that we are in.

Our most recent match in the AOCAF Cup (which is sometimes known simply as the AOCAF, but sometimes also as the Atlantian Oceania Confederation of Association Football Cup, which is it's proper name) was against Valanora. Valanora and Starblaydia are two of the most famous names in world football, as we and they have won the World Cup five times each, which is a joint-record.

We won by four goals to nil, which is a really good scoreline, and we had four different players score. Our super-star striker, Lena Kochanska, didn't score until the 41st minute, but then that made it 2-0. Sergio Di Bradini had made it 1-0 earlier, in the 25th minute, with a great free-kick that hit the underside of the bar and zipped in past the keeper. In the second half we were really dominant, and completely deserved to score two more goals. Both were by substitutes. The last one with two minutes to go was scored by a dwarf! Crazy! We should have had more goals, and our reporter booed the team off at the end of the match and called for the manager to be sacked because 4-0 was a shite performance based on how good we actually were. Nobody else did, though, because they don't know anything about football.

Everyone also hit the post a lot, because that's quite dramatic apparently.

There also wasn't a goal in the first 90 seconds, so we were unhappy with our star striker.

Our next match in the AOCAF will be a Second Round encounter against Vilita & Turori, who are a mixture of the countries Vilita and their puppets Turori. Vilita are the regional founders of the Atlantian Oceania region, and have won the World Cup once, in World Cup 20 (the 20th edition) and the AOCAF Cup four times. Neither of those numbers are as much as we have won the World Cup, which is five (bigger than one), and the AOCAF Cup, which is six (also more than four, but not much and still not as much as nine, which is what Pacitalia have).

Even with that appalling piece of so-called journalism, the facts remained. Starblaydia had just beaten - just taken apart - arguably the best team in the world. Anything was possible from now onwards, including a 7th regional championship title.

by **Vilita** » Fri Dec 07, 2012 6:52 pm

Abellan Responds, Leads Vilita & Turori Through

Operation Purple as Starblaydia await for Eel-Cat Things

It was a trying time for Mikala Abellan. But Avellan had recovered from adversity before. After leading Makosile to the Stellar Division championship for the first time in the clubs history, something that family patriarch Lorenzo Abellan could never do, things crumbled in Sile and the team was sent plummeting to a 10th placed finish in the table. Abellan's job was probably safe - for the time being, but no longer was Abellan considered the 'untouchable' mastermind that would lead the club for as long as they could stand it. Abellan was at risk. So when Strike FC came calling, Abellan jumped at the chance to re-ignite the career... although at the sacrafice of the 'golden' reputation in Sile, having abandoned the team at its lowest point for a rival club. Unfortunately for Abellan, even finishing runner up in the table isn't acceptable for the management in Lonngeylin when there is no other silverware to accompany that finish. Abellan was left out of a job, and out of prospects.

A whole season would go by before the Unified Projects division of Vilita & Turori Athletics came calling. After both Vilita National Team head coach Calaesa Mitaroka and Turori National Team head coach Mikael Gibbons turned down the opportunity to coach the Vilita & Turori Eel-Cat Things in the AOCAF competiton, the Unified Projects representatives decided to look at who was available.

Abellan was available.

After the first three matches of the AOCAF in Farfadillis, however, perhaps Abellan was wishing not to have been asked.

Opening with a 0-1 defeat against unranked debutants Secundus Kasius was not a good way to start out as Eel-Cat Things manager. However, it was only one match. It was only one goal. For a new manager, with a new group of players, against an unfamiliar side. It could be overlooked. So long as the Eel-Cat Things rebounded. Scraping by with a 1-0 win over another debutant side, Maklohi Vai, was not the rebounding that was expected, but a win was a win, and sights were set on the first real test of the campaign, the matchup with rivals Falcania.

Epic. Failure. Abellan's Eel-Cat things suffered their worst defeat for a Vilita & Turori side since 0-4 and it didn't look much closer than that. There were some suggestions that Abellan would be axed at that point, but the reality was, no one wanted to be in Farfadillis. People were dying trying to get into the stadiums, there was rioting in the streets and some of the refereeing had been suspect. The Vilita & Turori athletics were not going to find someone to try to pick up the pieces of a shattered campaign that could only be saved by perfection from that point forward.

Luckily for the contingent of Vilita & Turori supporters that had travelled to Farfadillis to watch the unified team, Perfection is what was delivered.

Lioniaa Tana scored the lone goal against Leorudo as the Eel-Cat things did what they had to do to set themselves up for a winner-take-all showdown with Kiryu-shi on the final matchday of the group stage.

Finally, with it all on the line, Abellan's team showed up and performed the way they were expected to, on paper.

It didn't take long for the show to get started, with Kadi Molali opening the scoring in the opening minute when the Eel-Cat things rushed all 10 players forward into the box from the kick off.

It was a completely bemusing but utterly brilliant exploit by Abellan. Having won the coin toss, the Eel-Cat things elected to receive the ball. Instead of playing it back and starting the match slowly, Kristofer Kilpter nodded the ball forward to Yves Gadois as 8 Vilitan and Turorian players engaged in an all-out sprint to the penalty area. Gadois played onesy-twoesy with Turori's Vrotaoa Lorasoiba
who then took a step back as Gadois joined in the sprint. Lorasoiba blasted the ball high into the penalty area and the sheer confusion was too much for the out-numbered Kiryu-shi defenders to deal with. The ball bounced off a few players before falling to the ground at the feet of Lioniaa Tana who stabbed the ball passed the befuddled goalkeeper to open the scoring.

The goal clearly hit hard on the Kiryu-shi players, who never quite seemed to get into the game from that point.

Kristofer Kilpter got his goalscoring on from that point, happy to be back in Atlantian Oceania for the time being after typically spending his days in Rushmore playing in the Polar Islandstates, Kilpter added a pair of goals to put the Eel-Cat Things up 3-0 by the time the match was 25 minutes old.

It was all about cruise control from that point forward as Vilita & Turori sailed along to a 5-0 thrashing of AOCAF former bracket buster's Kiryu-shi. Steffyn Siazzu and Yves Gadois added the final goals for the Eel-Cat things who amazingly recovered to qualify for the knockout round.

Of course, the task for Abellan would get no easier. The random draw for the Knockout stage would re-ignite the ancient rivalry between Vilita & Turori and Starblayida. It would be the second consecutive regional tournament where the two sides would be drawn together in the first knockout stage, with the Eel-Cat things advancing 2-0 over their rivals during AOCAF 37 in Geisenfried. Perhaps it was the rejuvination of one of the original rivalries of both nations, with Vilita being the first ever World Cup opposition for Starblaydia and the two long fighting in a battle for regional supremacy during early incarnations of the regional championships.

Abellan would be tasked with not only advancing the Eel-Cat things to the Quarter Finals of the competition, but, with upholding pride for all Vilitan and Turorian citizens against their most purple of national rivals.

	Leorudo
:: Goalscorers :: :: 47' Lioniaa Tana	:: Goalscorers :: :: None
:: Best Player: Lioniaa Tana :: Worst Player: Ritopa Simafela :: Shots on Target: 5 :: Corner Kicks: 11	:: Best Player: Curtis Osano :: Worst Player: Luke Moore :: Shots on Target: 3 :: Corner Kicks: 2

Vilita & Turori Eel Cat Things (3-(1-4)-2) ::
[GK] Hooizo Nuakoi, [D] Lioniaa Tana, [D] Eda Shindhi, [D] Ritopa Simafela, [DMC] Retiso Buran, [ML] Jomur Hulyer, [MC] Astara Daiili, [MC] Vrotaoa Lorasoiba, [MR] Kiroki Mitaroka, [FC] Kristofer Kilpter, [FC] Liinai Zakazaka
BENCH::
[FC] Viji-mara Lawaai, [FC] Yves Gadois, [M] Steffyn Siazzu, [M] Raso Tareak, [U] Sirkii Moliaudo, [D] Kadi Molali, [GK] Jungrii Canopii

Vilita Substitutions::
(19) - Hooizo Nuakoi >>> Jungrii Canopii
(45) - Retiso Buran >>> Raso Tareak
(68) - Jomur Hulyer >>> Sirkii Moliaudo

	Kiryu-shi
:: Goalscorers :: :: 1' Kadi Molali :: 18' Kristofer Kilpter :: 23' Kristofer Kilpter :: 74' Steffyn Siazzu :: 82' Yves Gadois	:: Goalscorers :: :: :: :: :: ::
:: Best Player: Ritopa Simafela :: Worst Player: Retiso Buran :: Shots on Target: 8 :: Corner Kicks: 15	:: Best Player: Ichii Hamoto :: Worst Player: Megumi Harris :: Shots on Target: 4 :: Corner Kicks: 2

Vilita & Turori Eel Cat Things (3-(1-4)-2) ::
[GK] Nycflala Kater, [D] Ritopa Simafela, [D] Kadi Molali, [D] Lioniaa Tana, [DMC] Retiso Buran, [ML] Jomur Hulyer, [MC] Vrotaoa Lorasoiba, [MC] Kiroki Mitaroka, [MR] Raso Tareak, [FC] Yves Gadois, [FC] Kristofer Kilpter
BENCH::
[FC] Viji-mara Lawaai, [FC] Liinai Zakazaka, [M] Steffyn Siazzu, [M] Riksa Valjariia, [U] Xcnaio Bansoa, [D] Eda Shindhi, [GK] Hooizo Nuakoi

Vilita Substitutions::
(45) - Raso Tareak >>> Steffyn Siazzu
(45) - Kadi Molali >>> Xcnaio Bansoa
(61) - Vrotaoa Lorasoiba >>> Liinai Zakazaka

by **Thatius** » Fri Dec 07, 2012 7:17 pm

OOC: I apologize for posting this late. Next week is Finals Week, and I am basically living in the library at the moment.

Thatius National Team

for the

38^th AOCAF

Team Information
Nation: Thatius
Acronym: THA
Nickname: Firebirds
Head Coach: Max Djantschenko
Assistant Coach: Darren Marković
Captain: Jason Petković (Center Midfield)
Kit:

Starters
GK: Novák Prakusya, #3
DEF: Lukas Kyrlenko, #14
DEF: Serije Erkocević, #26
DEF: Chase Kowalczyk, #34
SW: Kostas Stošović, #19
MID: Connor Kowalczyk, #24
MID: Jason Petković, #6
MID: Marcel Asarenko, #21
FOR: Derek Christensen, #13
FOR: Marko Voloski, #7
FOR: Cory Joković, #20

Bench
GK: Jeremy Jezdić, #18
DEF: Jake McCord, #23
DEF: Justin Polášek, #25
DEF: Piotr Starzyński, #4
SW: Tytus Łukasieki, #33
MID: Philippe Forgét, #19
MID: Tomislav Novaković, #5
MID: Cooper Branham, #8
FOR: Robert Kostelić, #30
FOR: Henri Kjel-Mathieu, #31
FOR: Lance Koravić, #16

RP Information
Style Modifier: +1
Choose my goalscorers: Yes
Godmod scoring events: Yes
RP injuries to my players: No
Godmod injuries to my players: No
Hand out yellow cards to my players: Yes
Hand out red cards to my players: No
Godmod other events: Yes

by **Pacitalia** » Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:56 pm

Report: Mascagnano, four other players out for Valanora match
Some Foxes players exhibiting Norovirus symptoms

FARFADILLIS (APR) -- Pacitalia will be without captain Michelangelo Mascagnano and as many as four other players for the Blue Foxes' round of sixteen match against Valanora after contracting what appears to be viral gastroenteritis.

The Federazione di Futaboli Pacitaliana (FFP) released a statement early Saturday morning stating that Mascagnano, backup keeper Theo Bourgani, midfielders Lamberto Dommaso and Goran Kovacevic, and fullback Ami Bellagente were all exhibiting signs of Norovirus infection, and had been experiencing severe vomiting and diarrhea overnight Saturday.

The Norovirus outbreak was reportedly linked to a catered meal the team had eaten, which included pre-prepared sandwiches and potato salad.

The catering company involved cannot be named due to a quirk in Farf law protecting corporate entities during food safety investigations, but it released an anonymous comment to the APR wire service saying it would "shut down" its operations for 24 hours, sanitize preparation areas, destroy all contaminated food and foodstuffs, and perform its own internal investigation into the outbreak.

As a precaution, the five players have been quarantined and are under medical supervision. They have been declared ineligible to play in the round of sixteen match against Valanora, but the Pacitalian federation has said the team expects the players to be ready to play in the quarterfinal should Pacitalia advance.

Pacitalia manager Narciso Pennachetti has named Aurelio Seriesta captain in Mascagnano's absence. The other four players, who are normally substitutes, will be temporarily replaced by reserve players for the round of sixteen, with Pennachetti activating goalkeeper Emin Demirtas, midfielders Emanuele Maschiate and Bernardo Santos, and fullback Mauro Girometta.

Fenicio Samatini will start in place of Mascagnano at midfield.

The Blue Foxes, most notably Pennachetti, have leveled their share of criticism at the Farf organisers of the tournament, complaining of match kickoff times that stretch well into the night, threats to the safety of players and spectators and a lack of overall security presence, crumbling and unsatisfactory stadia, and poor accommodations for players and teams.

This is Farfadillis' first time hosting the AOCAF Cup.

by **Hutt River** » Sat Dec 08, 2012 5:25 pm

Looking back at the match the performance wasn't all that great. Around 6 and a half hours after the match, which had finally started at a reasonable time for once, Dave Lister was watching the highlights on the TV in the hotel. He grabbed his glass of water from the chest of drawers next to his bed and raised it to his lips, eyes fixated on the small screen, which was showing the first Yelvodia goal. Lister watched as Yelvodia's 'star striker', Roger McLeod, run through the defence, pass it to Lionel Martin, who shot, then pounced on the rebound when it was saved. He didn't see it then, but he could now see it was rather torrid defending. They should have intercepted the pass, instead of just watching the ball. He wasn't innocent either, it was a rather tame effort, which he should have smothered, rather than punched.

Kryten entered the room with a full load of washing,

"Ah, hello Mr. Lister, sir," putting down the basket, "watching the highlights I see."
"Yeah. Jesus Christ the defence looked absolutely terrible out there. Missed interceptions everywhere. Your goal was good though." Lister said, pointing Kryten in the direction of the small television screen, which began to flicker.
"Cheap smegging Farf TVs", he said as he hit the TV with his fist, "this is the fifth time it's happened in the past 1 and a half hours." The TV reverted back to normal just in time to see Kryten hit the ball with an overhead kick and see it fly into the goal. The goal was replayed a couple of times at various angles.
"What was the thought process that lead up to that goal?" he asked as the show went onto the next highlight, "Doesn't seem to be your type of thing."
"It just seemed like the best thing to do in all honesty," Kryten said, "As you know robots normally act very rationally, especially in those type of situations. The most rational thing to do would've been a header into the bottom corner of course. In seriously don't know why my computer chose that particular move, or how it knew to do that move correctly. I've never done it, or seen it before. Strange."

Lister got back into bed and started focusing on the screen again, while Kryten sorted out the washing, hanging it on the makeshift washing line on the balcony overlooking a street. It was about an hour later, when the TV began to show games like Mantewic vs. Svengarda that he decided to turn it off. Those games hardly made a difference anyway.

Lister got up to make himself a cup of tea, which he wasn't a fan of doing because the kettle pretty much never worked, or wasn't there. After a couple of minutes of turning the kettle off and on again, and unplugging and replugging it, it slowly began to boil the water. While that was going on, Lister found the teabags lying in the chest of drawers, many of them suspiciously missing. As Lister was twiddling his thumbs waiting for the water to boil, there came a knock at the door.

"Come in," Lister shouted, expecting the cleaner or one of the other hotel staff. Instead it was Kochanski.
"Hey Lister".
"Where are you going then?"
"To the shop. it's just down the road."
"Bit of a nice outfit to be wasting walking down the road in."
"Really? I just threw a few clothes together. Nothing special."
"Well it suits."
"Thanks." said Kochanski, smiling in appreciation, "Do you want anything?"
"No thanks. I've got more than enough stuff here."
"Right, see you later then."
"See ya". Kochanski shut the door quietly behind her.

"Who is it?" Kryten asked as he came in from the balcony.
"Just Kochanski going down to the shops, asking me whether I wanted something. Nothing important."
Kryten suddenly became much more serious. "She wasn't flirting with you again was she?"
"No, Kryten she wasn't flirting with me. Why do you think every time I talk with her she flirting with me? Do you not like her or something?"
"I'm a mere mechanoid, sir. It's hardly my place to point out what a bossy, old hag she is. Her old Lister was much unlike you. Initially a soft light hologram, which made him sensitive and caring to women."
"Do you mean he could remember anniversaries?"
"He's every woman's dream man, sir. He even enjoys shopping for shoes."
"Wow."
Kryten began to shake. He went to a bed and messed up it's sheets. He said in a very high squeaky voice, "I just know she's going to carry on from here. She's going to take you away from me I know it."
"What?" Lister said incredulously
"I walked into her room to give her a glass of water. I've seen her naked." Kryten continued in his very high pitched voice. "She's got all those in and out bits that you like."
"Look, no matter what happens, us two are best buds, okay?"
"Promise?"
"Promise."
Kryten returned to his normal tone, "So if she came in here now, took all her clothes off and said 'Oh make love to me you horny dude', and I say 'Oh perhaps you would like to fold some sheets with me, sir', who would you pick."
"So it's making love to Kochanski or folding sheets with you?" Lister asked slowly.
"Yes."
"What kind of sheets would they be?"
"Those nice cotton ones I salvaged from Red Dwarf. The ones with patterns on them."
"Yellow stripey ones or the green square ones?"
"The green square ones."
"Can I do final folds?"
"Of course, sir."
"Then the sheets it is."
"She's standing there with all her inny and outy bits going inny and outy."
"Sheets all the way, Krytie."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
Kryten paused for a moment. Speaking in the high, squeaky tone, he said, "You're lying. You're just trying to make me feel better."
"There's no-one I care more about than you Kryten. Ok?"
"And that's not gonna change?"
"Never."
After a pause, Kryten said, "You're lying. I'm going to end up on my own again."
"No you're not. Listen, I think I might have a kip now. You carry on what you're doing"

And with that Lister climbed into bed and fell asleep.

by **95X** » Sun Dec 09, 2012 5:04 pm

95X Advances; Faces Toughest Opponents Yet
FARFADILLS—Following the team's 1-0 win against Undisputed Atols, 95X became one of only four third-place finishers in the 38th AOCAF Cup to advance to the Round of 16.

95X (3-1-1, 3rd in Group 1), ranked 19th in the region before the tournament, will stare eye-to-eye with the Dragons of Andossa Se Mitrin Vega (3-1-1, top of 3-way-tie for 1st Group 6), ranked 4th.

95X Faced higher-ranked Valanora (3rd) in Group Play, but are wary of the team with more potential than their win-draw-loss record.

Despite the matchup, 95X Head Coach Vance Cook says they're treating this like any other matchup.

"We've always been the underdogs," Cook mused, citing the creation of five-year-old Soccer League X has done little to raise the 95X soccer profile in international circles. "Granted our national team has improved greatly since the creation of our domestic league, and our on-field performance reflects that."

When Cook and the team learned ASMV sent their Under-19 Girls' team, the respect for their opponents increased.

"That shows the strength of their national program," Cook said.
(article continues with the usual analysis.)

It's the morning, and Xi Foureleven heads to the practice facility. To her surprise, several of her teammates (mostly bench players) and an assistant coach are already there.

Foureleven (in her usual cold tone): This is a very welcome surprise. I'm usually the first one here.

MacKenzee Wheatland: I learned a lot from you over the past few days. The five of us here figured if we practice more we'll become better.

Foureleven: And what have you been practicing? Did you do warm-ups first so your legs won't cramp up? And what makes you bench captain?

Wheatland: Well...

Foureleven: I'll be on my way, then. (Turns around to leave and run some laps before official practice begins.)

Wheatland: Eleven, please—

Foureleven: Eleven is what my friends call me; Your a team mate. (Starts heading for the door.)

Wheatland: What if we tried at your level?

Foureleven (Turns around in place): What makes you think the five of you second-team players can practice at my level?

Wheatland (Eyes light up, smiles, giggles a bit): I don't take no for an answer.

Foureleven (Upon realizing her testing of the young players was successful): Try saying that with a perfectly straight face.

Wheatland (tries to look serious, which causes her to sound more serious): I don't take no for an answer.

This was enough convincing for Foureleven, who started truly earning her position as team captain. Shortly thereafter, Vance Cook and the rest of the coaching staff arrive. Noticing that Foureleven is imparting her vast playing knowledge with a group of the youngest potential stars of 95X, his official practice with the entire team is briefer than expected and focused on the game at hand.

Cook (quietly to his assistant coaches, explaining his reasoning): Relating to her team is her largest character flaw, I'm not going to stand in the way entirely.

This boosts not only the teamwork, but all the confidence among the players with themselves.

by **Farfadillis** » Sun Dec 09, 2012 7:04 pm

And they entered the field. The most difficult of matches, regardless of recent results: Osarius. The pressure all upon them. They all felt their weight as if it had been doubled instantly. The pressure of finally advancing, as hosts. It could, maybe, be too much for some relatively young players from a country that has never met real success in the realm of association football. They were, regardless, a team with its own assets, and maybe, just maybe, they could pull off something. All the rcowd expecting them to do well, the many Farves through-out not only their homeland, but Atlantian Oceania and even the world, were hoping for a win. At least a tie, at the very least. A group of fans no team would feel comfortably with, if you overlook how much they're willing to cheer for you. The match could determine their future on the media, and in Farfadillis. One error and goodbye. The hero? You'll eventually be forgot once you commit the earlier. These things were all crossing every player's mind.

And so the match started. Both teams fiercely trying to get a goal. Both teams in an all-out attack formation. Both teams seeking to not let down those who wielded their same blood. Farfadillis would hit first. Tuzzio, V-League's best midfielder and foreigner (according to the awards handed out), took the ball outside the box and sent a magic aerial through pass to Dandalleion, who was running diagonally from the flank towards the box. He stopped the ball and dribbled a player who was running to get him, in an effort that would find no reward, as Dandalleion would then bend a shot towards the upper-left corner of the goalkeeper. The shot, even though slow, was impossible to get. That's something weird about Farves, they almost always score goals sending it there. Anyways, the goalkeeper just watched it go through. He didn't even bother to stop it. Osarius would, however, equalize quickly. Not even twenty minutes had passed when Farfadillis scored, and not even two from then when Osarius got their goal. Corradini headed in a cross from Rees. The cross left our defense in an awkward positin, and Corradini wouldn't forgive us. Not much to do for Lisdiren there. Poor guy, always conceding goals because of the fragile Farf defense.

The match would then change after half time. Now Farfadillis struggled to avoid a loss and Osarius the complete contrary. A win wouldn't guarantee Osarius to get through, but a tie could make Farfadillis top the group. The fans were all chanting and making fun of Osarius, regardless of scoreline. The environment wasn't the best for the Farf team, but they somehow managed to avoid losing and even top their group. That one Tuzzio-Dandalleion magic goal combined with a few of Lisdiren's stops on the second half were just enough. Not much more was needed. But, would more be needed against Burchadinger? The enemy was demoralized because of their loss against Wight, for sure. But they still posed a terrific threat.

by **Farfadillis** » Mon Dec 10, 2012 5:39 am

Jay Industries 2-1 The Sylvanaes Queendom @ Estadio d'Onor, kicked-off 22:00 (AOTC -0200)

Falcania 1-1 Audioslavia (2-5 AET) @ Naš Stadion, kicked-off 22:00 (AOTC -0200)

Pacitalia 4-1 Valanora @ Ján Rülán Dêrmáá, kicked-off 22:00 (AOTC -0200)

Farfadillis 2-1 Burchadinger @ Farf Fragar Firschendujmal I7'snerra, kicked-off 22:00 (AOTC -0200) [Scorinated by Starblaydia]

Andossa se Mitrin Vega 1-0 95X @ Estadio Nueva Palmira, kicked-off 22:00 (AOTC -0200)

Starblaydia 1-1 Vilita & Turori (1-1 AET, 4-2 PKs) @ La Gran Avenida, kicked-off 22:00 (AOTC -0200)

Thatius 1-2 Hutt River @ Gre Drrena, kicked-off 22:00 (AOTC -0200)

New Montreal States 4-0 New West Guiana @ Jardin Norte, kicked-off 22:00 (AOTC -0200) (Only match not set 22:00 it was set for 10:00 instead. But the referee didn't know the difference between am and pm and arrived 12 hours late. The FFFF refused to send a substitute to the match because it was "unconventional".

Quarterfinals

Jay Industries - Audioslavia
Wouldn't it be funny if Audio lost to an UR, non-RP, non-roster team?

Pacitalia - Farfadillis
No. Chance. In. Hell.

Andossa se Mitrin Vega - Starblaydia
Probably the least RPing of matches. :P

Hutt River - New Montreal States
Complete contrary of the above.

by **Audioslavia** » Mon Dec 10, 2012 2:15 pm

Quite the first day back at work.

Guillermo Sanchez-Dysos had been born twelve months ago, weighing in at a sprightly six pounds, posessing the bright green eyes of his Audioslavian mother and the dark complexion of his hispanic-Krytenian father, a shock of jet black hair already at an impressive length from birth. From there, he'd grown into an energetic pre-toddler, threatening to get up on his legs and trot around the room already, and with a large vocabulary, even if all his words sounded a little bit like 'glargh'. Guillermo, or 'Will' or 'Germo' as they'd nicknamed him, had taken up all of her time. Rubio, the baby's father, had needed to work to keep the money coming in, and although Sue Dysos' original plan was to work herself and make Rubio the stay-at-home father, in truth she'd hadn't minded the extended lay-off from work, a leave of absense that accounted for some downtime for post-natal sickness that, thankfully, had long gone by now. Her actual first day back at work was supposed to be in another six months, but Audioslavia's foray into the AOCAF cup had necessitated a swifter return. It was at the same tournament, eight years ago, that the wheels of her professional involvement in football had first started turning and, in any case, the regional tournament afforded Audioslavia its only real chance of glory in a tournament, with the World Cup and Cup of Harmony, and their full strength squads and greater prestige, still proving out of the reach of the hot-and-cold Audioslavians.

And so to Farfadillis. Audioslavia versus Falcania for a spot against underdogs Jay Industries in the quarter-finals.

Initially, the decision to relegate Rubio to babysitter (or 'father' as she'd convinced him was the better term) had felt like a poor one. Falcania's opening goal on the twenty minute mark, courtesy of an Akirax 'claw-poke' of a loose ball into an open net, following a rasped twenty-yard effort by Danniol Parker that Audioslavia's young keeper had managed to only tip onto the post, had silenced the claret-clad masses in attendance and sent what little travelling 'support' Falcania had - their fans consisting mainly of a portable fight in a soft, downy casing - into a cascade of jingoistic songs about humans and their tiny toenails, a medley that even Audioslavia's equaliser - a powerful near-post header by that man Karsten Eiger - did little to quiet.

The second half had been dull. Falcania's muscular, pressing game proved anathema to Audioslavia's attempt at cautious, probing posession football, and though both sides carved out a chance or two each, the net never really looked like being rustled throughout the second half. The game had just lacked the excitement of those around it throughout the rest of Farfadillis. At the estadio d'Onor, Jay Industries were on the way to a memorable upset, 2-1 up against Sylvanaes Queendom. Farfadillis were en route to a popular home victory against Burchadinger, Valanora were getting their pointy ears skelped by the regional powerhouses Pacitalia, while New West Guiana were being similiarly battered by the not-so-new states of Montreal. Their may well have been another 1-1 stalemate, over at La Gran Avenida, but Starblaydia and Vilita/Turori's matchup had provided good value for the fans' money. Audioslavia had a tendency to play drab, only sporadically effective football, but this game was taking the mick. Sue, up in the hack's enclosure, was beginning to feel the same way an ex-smoker felt when they had their first cigarette in months - like the wait and the expectation wasn't nearly worth it. She hoped extra-time provided at least a little more drama.

Did it ever.

Audioslavia had the net bulging within just fifteen seconds of the restart, a goal so quick even Val Kylx would have been left awe-struck. Van Wildernis had picked up the ball and strolled into the Falcania half, the opposition players more concerned with keeping their defensive shape and marking runners than meeting the playmaker with the ball. Finally, as Van Wildernis threatened to use his space to set up a long-range short, defender Yrion Kork left his defensive position to challenge the midfielder, a positional blunder that left room for Karsten Eiger to run into. A well-timed pass gave the striker a chance for a first-time effort and Eiger didn't disappoint, rasping a snap-short underneath the goalkeeper, the ball nestling in the far corner.

Falcania attempted to hit back immediately, using the aerial prowess peculiar to the bird-esque team to set up a cross for Battes to finish, but the striker's header was palmed away by Imaslavii and Garcia's clearance fell to the feet of Zonnestraal Jansen who controlled the ball, laid it off to Mauro Soccorso and scampered upfield into the space behind the out-of-position wing-backs. Zonnestraal latched onto the throughball and broke towards the goal and, though he wasn't able to outpace Yrion Kork, he was able to shuffle sideways and lay the ball square to Karsten Eiger to shoot into the bottom corner from eighteen yards, landing the striker his hattrick and, so it seemed, Audioslavia into the quarter-finals of the AOCAF.

The drama wasn't even nearly over. Falcania, desperate to get some kind of talon-hold in the game, started playing with a little more haste, and it was only a matter of time before one of them made a fatal mistake. In this case it was Qail Pronotiro who lunged into a clumsy tackle on Mannestraal Jansen, upending the winger and being sent from the field for his troubles, the stricken Audioslavian having to be taken from the field with a nasty looking gash in his shin, to be replaced by veteran midfielder Weverton Sporadic. Sporadic's impact on the game was immediate. A short free-kick set up a slick passing move between Velazquez and Van Wildernis, the latter teeing up Weverton for a shot from the edge of the area that the former darling of the Bulls faithful brilliantly flicked into the top corner of the goal with the outside of his right foot, his first goal in three years for the Audioslavian national team. Falcania would, again, rally, and this time managed to force a goal through Colan Battes, unsheathing a claw at just the right moment to divert a zipped cross into the centre of the goal, almost through a flailing Audioslavian goalkeeper who barely saw the ball as it flashed past him. 4-2 at the interval in extra-time, Andre-Luis Partico had withdrawn three-goal striker Karsten Eiger and replaced him with defender Ronan Morphy, reverting to a 5-4-1 formation with Weverton Sporadic spending the last fifteen minutes as lone striker. Falcania again threatened, striking the cross-bar with another Battes header, but Audioslavia closed the game out, finally, with another swift counter-attack, Zonnestraal Jansen careening down the wing before crossing for Weverton Sporadic who had time to controll the ball on his chest, look up, and slot the ball crisply into the corner past a dispairing Rarnin Harst. 5-2, and that is how the score would stay.

Sue Dysos pressed 'enter' on her keyboard and sent her articles to her two employers, the Cathair Tribune and Krytenia's Emberton Post. Quite the first day back at the office. She wondered how many more articles she'd be submitting from Farfadillis.

by **Starblaydia** » Mon Dec 10, 2012 3:48 pm

~~Valanora~~. ~~Vilita~~. Vega?
Starblaydia progress to Last Eight on Penalty Kicks

After the amazing heroics of the Valanora match in the Group Stage, the Second Round meeting with Starblaydia's oldest rivals, Vilita. This is a history that stretches back for one hundred and ninety one years, because as every Starblaydi schoolchild knows, the first match for Starblaydia's senior international team was against Vilita in the Qualifiers of World Cup 15. Nearly two centuries later, these two Atlantian Oceania giants just love to get one over each other in any competition, at any opportunity. The Knockout stages of the 38th AOCAF Cup is as good a place as any to do just that.

The Eel-Cat Things in their now-traditional teal and brown combination lined up against the white and purple for the latest in their long line of encounters at a rocking La Gran Avenida stadium in the humid evening air. It would be a match for the ages, a match for all time, an incredible back and forth of... well. Not quite.

Two teams full of ideas and invention, butting heads and simply not clicking with their own games. Two teams of well balanced defensive and attacking options who were both having an off day. When the first half ended goalless most fans, commentators and even idle watchers wondered what in Tiberius' name was going on. This was supposed to be a key Round of 16 match of the world's premier regional football tournament, not some Sunday league kickabout!

When Jomur Hulyer opened the scoring there seemed genuine relief around the entire stadium, no matter what colour the fans were wearing. Perhaps that scrappy goal, from a goalmouth scramble after a corner with the ball ricocheting and bouncing around a mass tangle of legs, would spark the game into life.

Well, not really. Starblaydia were obviously now trying harder to score, while Vilita & Turori were attempting both to press their advantage and retain what they had. It didn't add up to a scintillating match, despite the extra impetus that had been gained. Yet when Lena Kochanska fired past Kater via a wicked deflection off Tana, even the Starblaydi team were struck with a sense of 'what the hell do we do now?'. These two teams, equally matched, simply had no answer for each other on this day.

When Full Time came and went, with everyone predicting penalties. They weren't to be disappointed, as this uniquely equal game would come down to a series of intense, pressure-filled one-on-one spot kicks. Kochanska scored, cool as you like, ubut just as swiftly Lawaai nestled the ball into the corner opposite to Grant Hansen's dive. Then the young substitute, Vincenzo Natrionne, powered the ball beyond Kater and roared to the crowd. Yves Gadois then missed, to keep the score at 2-1 as he put the ball past not only Hansen's outstretched hand, but the post too. Sergio Di Bradini struck the ball low and fierce to Kater's right for 3-1 to Starblaydia, but Steffyn Siazzu managed to blast the ball high, high over the bar.

Up stepped Jenji Marino to put the game beyond the Vilitan and Turorians, but he hit a weak shot that Kater pushed away comfortably, bring the Eel-Cat Things a change in momentum. Ritopa Simafela showed the way and made it 3-2 with a single penalty left each. Perhaps they could take it to sudden death, where anything could happen? They hadn't reckoned with the experienced Jordan Johanssen, one of only four over-30s in the squad. He deftly sent the ball into the top corner with an arcing penalty kick and won the game, and the spot in the Semi-Finals, for Starblaydia.

They'll surely have to play better than that against the 'Tidal Surge' of the Vegan attack but, let's face it, they could hardly play much worse.

Final score from La Gran Avenida (40,000):
Starblaydia 1-1 Vilita & Turori (AET)
(Kochanska 77) - (Hulyer 52)
STB: Kochanska, Natrionne, Di Bradini, Marino, Johanssen
V&T: Lawaai, Gadois, Siazzu, Simafela

by **Farfadillis** » Tue Dec 11, 2012 6:58 am

The team entered the pitch once again. It was all going to be determined in one game now. No dependence on other results, just beating or beating the other team. Just pressure. Against them, an U-21 team that had unexpectedly gone through. Burchadinger. They had recently lost the Di Bradini Cup final against Wight, so their morale wasn't probably on its best state. The supposedly existant nation of Burchadinger, of which the Farves had never heard of up to then, was a really tough opponent, but in this case, accesible. The I7'snerra once again filled with people hoping for a win. The environment once again could've been hard for the Farf team that wasn't that experienced. The thing is, it probably was worse for Burchadinger. It was probably the first match where the stadium was completely filled, and iwth people against them. Last time, Dandalleion and Tuzzio had saved Farfadillis with a goal that sent them through despite of the tie. Now, everyone had to collaborate, not just them. Both of them were arguably the bets players of the team, now it was their chance to show it. Their abilities could be, respectively, speed and technique, precision and cretivity, endurance and dribbling you name it. They were there and anything other than winning would be something the entire team, specially those two, wanted to avoid. Anthems started and everyone at the stadium started whistling at Burchdinger's. The sound was deafening. After that, the Farf anthem could be listened and it was followed by the many fans singing it without any kind of coordination. Once it finished, the game could finally start.

When the referee blew the whistle, Burchadinger kicked-off. The extremely young Peteleu, who was 15, passed the ball to the young-but-not-so-young Weichert. This way, the match started. The game was a bit of an agreement from both teams to not defend themselves well. Frêndê and Setentriona continuously joining the attack meant Farfadillis left its defense almost completely uncovered. But it also meant they'd get a lot of power on teh attack. Burchadinger's 4-4-2 with their defenders sometimes joining the attack also meant Burchadinger left its defense uncovered, albeit a bit less frequently. The score, however, wouldn't change from the horrendously dull 0-0 tie until the thrity-second minute, when Chinsúa scored his first goal in a long time. O'rosso crossed a corner from the left and it bent in. It looked like it'd be an olympic goal, but the Burchadingar goalkeeper, Matei, managed to change its direction a bit and make it hit the post. However, the rebound ended up in Chinsúa's head. He jumped over a few young Burchadingars and headed the ball in with the goalkeeper laying on the floor, impotent. Both teams deserve to score a few more goals. Or, to word it better, concede a few more goals. Both defenses sucked terribly against the potent attacks from both nations. Soon, the referee blew the whistle determining the end of the first half, with Farfadillis holding the lead up to then.

After half time, both teams headed for the pitch with renewed energies. They both found themselves with the Farf fans chanting and shouting like there was no tomorrow. However, they'd soon be turned off when Leca equalized. The centre back got to score from outside the box after he got a quite lucky rebound. Whether he'd be able to repeat such a goal or not remains to be seen, but the goal was certainly spectacular. This way, Burchadinger got back to the game and muted the Farf fans all over the gargantuan I7'snerra, and probably through-out Farfadillis. Many were already thinking "Well, we were going to face either Valanora or Pacitalia anyways.", even though the game hadn't ended and they weren't losing. The goal was really quick, on the forty-eighth minute. So it was quite a shock. Now "La Negruyrojite" started playing even better, no-one could really tell why. They still couldn't find the winnig goal for some time, even though they did get some clear chances. The game was already in Farfadillis' favour by the sixtieth minute, when Burchadinger started to barely see the Farf goal. Farfadillis still couldn't equalize. Tuzzio got to hit the post on the seventeenth, after a shot from outside the box was saved by the goalkeeper and the rebound ended in his feet. He shot from the edge and the ball surprisingly hit the post. He, and probably the entirity of Farfadillis couldn't believe it. However, just when things looked like they were heading for extre time, on the ninety-second minute, Farfadillis got to score. Østergård, Farfadillis' star on the Di Bradini Cup where Farfadillis got the fourth place, scored it. He got the ball outside the box and sent a perfect through pass to Tuzzio, who he left alone against the goalkeeper, one-on-one. Tuzzio then dribbled him and was left next to the line, without possibility to score. Luckily for him, Østergård was running directly to head a cross that was too obvious by then. Tuzzio then crossed the ball, but it was crossed wrongly, probably because the pressure was too much, even for a professional as him. Probably thanks to luck, the ball hit the crossbar instead of going out and ended up right on Østergård's head, who had to head it in just as Chinsúa did, marked by Heinrichs, who couldn't jump as high as him to prevent the almost imminent goal. The fans sent completely wild, a couple of heart attack, figuratively-speaking and just outright happiness all over Farfadillis, and probably just sadness on Burchadinger. That goal had been completely unexpected, and what could probably make any Farf even more happy was knowing that they had a very good striker for the future on Østergård. After the referee blew the whistle, immediately after the goal.

The team was acclaimed loudly by the Farf fans, thanks to the shock win. In spite of it being against an U-21 team, it still was so much of a surprise, one that could actually cause health issues to some, that it deserved the claps and chanting and, simply, everything. It was their reward. However, at the locker room, the players would soon find out that they were facing Pacitalia, the famous Blue Foxes that like to tear apart any team, except Hutt River. Not only that, but they had beaten world-class team Valanora by 4-1. A humiliating match for the Vanorians and one that sent a chill down the spine to all the Farves. However, if they were going to die at the pitch, they were going to do it together as a team.

by **New Montreal States** » Tue Dec 11, 2012 11:10 am

"...up next, scientists discover that Worcestershire sauce simultaneously causes and prevents cancer! Mélanie Ferrier has more..."

*click*

"It's after midnight and you're still watching T.V? You must be stoned, dude! You're probably getting kinda hungry there. Look at this delicious, delicious pizza..."

*click*

"...rally back from a comedown loss against Audioslavia. Doc Lagacé, still in Farfadillis, still surrounded by rough men with guns ready to do violence on his behalf. Doc, how'd the match against New West Guinea go?"

"I'm still recovering from it, old chap. What an endurance contest that was!"

"Back-and-forth match? Extra time? Dramatic finale?"

"Twelve hour delay between the scheduled kickoff time and the actual time play began. We spent the height of the afternoon and almost all the evening waiting for a match that was supposed to begin at 10 A.M., but actually kicked off half a day later. HALF A DAY."

"...did they say why?"

"Apparently the referee thought that play was supposed to be begin at 10 P.M., not A.M."

"And nobody tried calling him?"

"I have no idea. I think that the hamster who spins the wheel that powers this country's mobile phone network went on strike to demand four more pellets a day and a softer kind of wood shavings to poop in."

"And nobody thought to go knocking on his door? Surely millions of currency units worth of broadcast fees and advertising were at stake here."

"Look, we tried asking this sometime around 2:30 in the afternoon, and when we persisted with the questions they sent local thugs with machetes and sawed-off shotguns to 'keep order' in the press box. I guess that's what they spent their broadcast fees on."

"How did the Paladins stay fresh during the delay?"

"Well, at first they did some extra warmups on the field; then a penalty shot contest with a 20 oz. buy-in and one 20 oz. buy-back; and finally..."

(highlight of the midfielders playing "Duck Duck Goose" on the pitch; followed by a highlight of striker Hugo Leclercq trying to dance the hopak)

"After four hours things got pretty absurd pretty quickly."

"Doc, I have to say though, that's good form by Sam Flowers there, and good speed around the circle. He's got a healthy two-second lead on Rochon as he dives for Rochon's vacated spot."

"If you thought that was good, wait until you see the actual match, where Flowers opened the scoring on an opening-tapoff set play we're calling 'the double-reverse Slembanan. Flowers takes the pass out of the circle from Cormier; the opposing defense keys on the Paladins' best-known offensive stars and misses Rochon breaking for the back line until it's too late. A perfectly timed pass from Flowers and the Paladins are up 1-0 a mere 58 seconds into play."

"Glad to see they kept their focus."

"Indeed they did - here they are, eleven minutes later, Leclercq was offsides, Cormier wasn't, Fred Nguyen chooses correctly and finds Cormier in space, 2-0 Paladins, just like that. The 'States were up 4-0 by the half and spent most of the second half clowning around both on the pitch (highlight of Fred Nguyen juggling the ball with his feet at midfield in the 83rd minute while the rest of the players keep checking the clock) and in the dugout (highlight of some of the reserves taking a nap while Kirkkegaard stares bleary-eyed at the field)."

"Now what?"

"The Paladins will need to get their energy back in time to face off against the Same Old Smegs of Hutt River in the quarterfinals."

"Smegs? What?"

"They beat Pacitalia during group play."

"Pacitalia. Really? How?"

"Outplayed them. They're a team of robots and humans that travel the multiverse together, playing football, having adventures, and learning a thing or two about life in the process."

"Huh?"

"One of their players is a toaster on wheels."

"How does that work?"

"Not very well."

"This is getting a little unusual, Doc."

"Just wait until you hear my in-depth scouting report, coming up after the break -"

*click, followed by the sounds of someone looking for where they left their cell phone before realizing it was in their pocket the entire time*

by **Hutt River** » Tue Dec 11, 2012 3:54 pm

Lister opened his eyes. He flipped to his right side and looked at the clock on the bedside chest of drawers. 10:37am. He turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling for a while. After a couple of minutes, he grabbed the remote off the side of the bed and turned on the TV

"This is 109.3, Century Radio."
'Another pop music based radio station. Where's the highlights?' Lister thought. He tried channel number 60.
"Next week on The Bowmans, there is trouble on the farm as...'
'Who gives a smeg.' Lister clicked the down button
"Now, how a dog managed to strand itself 1000 miles off the coast of..."
*click*
"Later on the AOCAF highlights show, the battle between 9 time AOCAF champions Pacitalia and five time World Cup winners Valanora and New Montreal States face New West Guiana. But first we visit Gre Drrena to see The Firebirds of Thatius play against Hutt River."
'Lovely.' Lister straightened himself up in the bed and turned his pillow around so his head was resting against the top of it.

Just as the match highlights were about to start, Rimmer strolled in, with an air of smugness which surrounded him most of the time.

"Ah, hello Listy. Still slobbing around in bed I see. What's the plan for the day ahead then? Slobbing in the morning, then a bit of slobbing in the late afternoon before the main 6:00pm slob. You'll need to break out of the slobbing cycle before 9 o'clock, you know. We have a match today." Rimmer walked out, humming loudly.
"Morning Rimmer." Lister sighed. He got up and got himself a glass of chilled vindaloo sauce stored in the mini-fridge, taking his gaze off the screen only momentarily to check whether the sauce was in the glass. Just as he sat back down, Kryten walked in with a pile a clean plates which had just come from the dishwasher on the floor below.
"Ah, you've awake, sir. I was just thinking about waking you up. When are the highlights on?"
"There on now Kryten. They've just shown the Thatius goal. During the match I thought I couldn't save that, but looking that this, if I had moved a little bit to the left it would've been a comfortable save. At least it didn't make much of a difference." The rest of the game was watched with no interruption.
"Well I couldn't see any more faults than mine. So overall a job well done."

Just as Kryten was about to respond, they were interrupted by a knock on the recently closed door.
"Come in", Lister said
It was Kochanski. "Hey guys. Can I come in a sec?"
"Sure". Lister pointed her to the bed, ignoring Kryten's look of disapproval, "What's wrong?"
"Well, it's..." she was interrupted by a knock at the door
"Yes?"
It was the Cat. "Hey bud. That toaster has been bugging me about something for an hour now. Can you come and sort it out?"
"What is it?"
"I don't know"
"How do you not know? He's been bugging you for an hour."
"Yeah, but I was asleep for 59 minutes of it", the Cat said, smiling so his top canine teeth went below his bottom lip.
"OK, I'll come and look." Lister got up, "You stay here OK?" he said, looking at Kochanski. She nodded.

After Lister and the Cat had left the vicinity, Kryten got out an ironing board an began to iron a pile of underwear by Lister's bed.

"You hate me don't you", Kochanski said after a minute of silence
"Ma'am, I think my efforts would be best concentrated on this pile of ironing."
"But..."
"Please."
"Wh..."
"Ma'am"
"I want to know why"
"Do you indeed?"
"Yes"
"Well, I don't think you're good enough for him. Yes he may go around smelling like a Balti House laundry basket but he doesn't need the likes of you swapping dimension, dying and then coming back to life along with some other people in the exact form that they were 15 years earlier. Bewitching him with all your... in and out bits. All pointy and unnecessary."
After a pause, Kochanski replied with, "You've got big problems, you know that."
"At least I don't have a ridiculous like some people." Kryten collected collected the finished laundry, which made up about a quarter of the original pile, and dumped it in the suitcase.
"Huh! Have you seen the way you walk?" Kochanski laughed at Kryten as he bent his knees out to the side unnecessarily while stepping.
"I have a perfectly sensible walk. At least I don't walk like this." Kryten did an impression of Kochanski's supposed walk.
Before Kochanski could reply, the Cat opened the hotel door. "Lister sai..." He stopped, looking at Kryten's outstretched arms and Kochanski position. "..d that you guys need to come downstairs. We're leaving in a few minutes."
"Coming", they both said, almost in unison. The Cat closed the door behind him as he left
"What in Frankenstein's name had I stumbled on in?" he muttered to himself in the corridor.

by **Farfadillis** » Tue Dec 11, 2012 4:39 pm

Jay Industries 0-2 Audioslavia @ Estadio d'Onor, kicked-off 20:00 (AOTC -0200)

Pacitalia 1-3 Farfadillis @ La Gran Avenida, kicked-off 02:00 (AOTC -0200) [Scorinated by Ancharmunn]

Andossa se Mitrin Vega 0-2 Starblaydia @ Farf Fragar Firshcnedujmal I7'snerra, kicked-off 10:00 (AOTC -0200) Half time lasted 1 hour instead of 15 minutes because the referee suffered a heart attack just as he blew the whistle indicating the end of the first half. He was saved and continued refereeing the second half as normal.

Hutt River 1-2 New Montreal States @ Jardin Norte, kicked-off 05:00 (AOTC -0200)

Semifinals

Farfadillis - Audioslavia
Wouldn't it be funny if Audio lost to me?

New Montreal States - Starblaydia
Can't really say anything about this one. :/

by **Farfadillis** » Wed Dec 12, 2012 1:31 pm

He headed for the pitch with a million thoughts crossing his mind. There he was, V-League's best midfielder and foreigner, at least back then. All the moments up to then and, finally, an actually important match. The most important of his life. Against the regional super-powerhouses Pacitalia. The Blue Foxes that had won the last two cups, the ones seeking for a tenth title. And there was his team. One that wasn't renowned even regionally, a team full of quite inexperienced players from a view point. But there they were, willing to die battling as a team, all of them willing to try, all of them at home, and none of them apparently nervous. It did inspire him to play better. To unveil his magic. But, how much "magic" could he output? Would it be enough to beat the likes of Demi Santos and Michelangelo Mascagnano, the famous Pacitalians? Chances were that no, it wasn't. But he was just as willing as everyone to fight for that precious place on the semifinal against those almost invincible men in sky-blue. The night before he hadn't slept much, the nervousness had eaten him up, but it had disappeared just as he entered the pitch. Football and its many weird things...

As the referee blew the whistle, he started thinking of everything. No concentration at all. The most important game of his life and he was, apparently, the one the least concentrated. Pacitalia started off with sheer dominance and quickly generated chances, specially down the flanks while Frêndê and Setentriona attacked. He still didn't seem to understand what was going on. He was thinking of his days back at Dandillis, his first match. His family, the one he hadn't seen in years. His matches at Kiiarana and Makosile. At Ferdullaele. Everything. His goals for Farfadillis. However, he was surprised by a ball he received around the twentieth minute. His teammates had found it hard to pass him the ball as he never tried to loosen himself from the mark. O'rosso sent him an aerial pass over a Blue Fox's head and he received it. Just as he touched the ball, it was like if he had come back to earth. It was 2:30 in the morning and he was as awake as ever. He took the ball and quickly heeled it between the legs of Seriesta. He then found himself in a good position outside the box to pull-off his characteristic shots. He then dribbled Branco and shot towards the goal a bit behind the edge. The ball bent violently to the left post and went in, with Bera not even close to stopping it. He still didn't quite understand what had happened: he had given Farfadillis the lead. He was euphoric. Every single teammate running towards him to celebrate his wondergoal. Everyone at La Gran Avenida chanting his name like there was no tomorrow, everyone celebrating. He had scored the most important goal in his football career up to then. A beautiful one, to add. Pacitalia was shocked but still continued to play well. Demi Santos led the attack and they all started playing even better. By the time when the clock hit 2:40, Lisdiren was the one keeping Farfadillis afloat - coupled with Tuzzio's wondergoal - and no-one was sure how much it could last. The player who recently signed a contract with Ajax Carloburgo, Valladar team, had saved two one-on-ones up to then. Things could turn around at any moment and preventing it looked too hard. Despite his efforts, Pacitalia managed to send in a goal eventually. On the forty-third minute, Santos headed in a cross from Pique, with Lisdiren almost stopping it. He saved it, but the rebound hit the post and went in. It was deserved, expected, obvious, you name it. Truth is, Tuzzio's world was shattered by that goal. He lost concentration once again. He was lucky, though: they'd go to half time just afterwards. He could get back on earth after half time.

Sadly, he didn't and, as the second half looked even worse, Farf fans started chanting less and less. There started to be more silence, despite the surprise tie. Some football "experts" predicted a four-nil loss as an impressive performance by La Vherderoja. Lisdiren was going through the complete opposit. As Tuzzio couldn't concentrate on the match, Lisdiren had to be concentrated on every second and, luckily, he was. Pacitalia almost got a second goal on the second most dramatic moment of the game. Santos was tackled down by Chinsúa on a last defender effort and was consequently sent out. A penalty for Pacitalia and virtually no chances for Farfadillis. Or at least that's what everyone thought until the penalty was taken. Santos himself would be the one to shoot it. Lisdiren looked at him, in a challenging way. Santos wasn't affected by this and shot strongly to Lisdiren's lower-right side. Lisdiren was quick to react. He dived just as he saw Santos' intentions and managed to touch the ball to prevent the goal. However, the ball would end up on Santos' feet. He shot with all the goal just for him. But he commited an error: he shot too close to Lisdiren. Lisdiren,w ith one last breath, elevated from the ground a bit and punched the ball above the corssbar. The Farf fans were euphoric, the Pacitalians couldn't believe it. Lisdiren was turning into the hero. If Farfadillis somehow won, they'd owe it to him. However, they wouldn't owe it only to him. Tuzzio, who had regained concentration - who knows how or why - celebrated that like a goal. But he didn't know he'd have much more to celebrate. The referee's clock struck minute ninety quickly. Well, quickly for the Pacitalians at least. The entire population of Farfadillis felt it like an eternity, while the Pacitalians felt it like nothing, both bad sitautions for each group. Pacitalia got many more shots on goal, while Farfadillis hadn't even looked at it ever since Tuzzio's goal. Sadly for the Pacitalians, the Farves would see it again after the referee added four minutes. On the third of those, the only one in which Pacitalia didn't have an extremely good chance to score, a counterattack ended up in Tuzzio's feet. He reacted extremely quick. He had a defender behind him and he took the ball, heeled it to one side and run to the other. He outran the defender and sent a through pass to Dandalleion. He ran directly to the penalty spot. Dandalleion, who knew his playing style by heart, sent a cross that was perfect for a Tuzzio volley. A Pacitalian defender tried to clear it with a header but couldn't jump as high. The ball ended up in his foot, with a spectacular volley. The ball went at lightning speed towards Bera's upper-left corner. The shot had been extremely powerful, as well as late. He now realized in an instant what he had done with that shot. He celebrated it taking out his shirt and running towards the Farf fans. The celebration was epic. However, after being yellow carded, he had to go back to the pitch. They had to endure one more minute. What was expecting him there? He didn't know. He soon found out it was just more happiness. Pacitalia soon started attacking with even the last defender. The result was foreseeable. Lisdiren got a weak shot from Mascagnano and then sent a very long pass to Tuzzio. The pass was extremely powerful and, as Tuzzio ran on-side, he saw the goalkeeper approcahing him. He dribbled him with a nutmeg and then proceded to slowly run towards the goal. Where he'd stop the goal on the line and heel it in. Magic.

by **Audioslavia** » Thu Dec 13, 2012 9:38 am

A History of Homewrecking
Audioslavia may be the underdogs going into Satuday's semi-final against hosts Farfadillis, but history tells us that the Bulls are more than capable of spoiling the hosts' parties

Albenseestadion, Geisenfried, AOCAF Cup 37, second round
Geisenfried 0-1 Audioslavia
Big things were expected of the Geisenfried team when they took to the field to play the Bulls in this AOCAF Cup matchup, the Golden Eagles had gone undefeated in their three first-round games, overcoming the likes of Legalese and Khytenna in the process, and were the favourites to swat aside a ropey Audioslavia side that had somehow made it out of their group despite a heavy 4-0 loss to the auld enemy New Montreal States. For the hosts, however, it was not to be, a Txordin Velazquez goal at the start of the second-half stunned a Geisenfried team that appeared to be bossing the game, and the black and red clad Golden Eagles simply could not find it within themselves to take the game away from the Audioslavians. The Bulls would go on to score nine goals in a farcical demolition of a sub-par Kiryu-Shi, with the locals watching on in envy.

Isserton Stadium, Krytenia, World Cup 29, semi-final
Krytenia 2-3 Audioslavia (AET)
Ah, the Isserton Stadium, and *that* match, still used as a proverbial stick to bash Krytenians with when actual, physical sticks are in short supply. It is often argued that this crushing disappointment would continue to affect the Krytenians for decades, giving the nation's football team a stigma about World Cup semi-finals that they never really recovered from. To this day, Krytenia's only football honours include two lightly-regarded olympic medals. This match is a bitter-sweet memory for Audioslavians, who went on to lose the final to Casari before being forced to pull out of internaitonal football altogether. Still, as victories over rivals go, they can hardly come better than this.

Cednia Beach Centre, Turori, World Cup 19, quarter-final
Turori 0-1 Audioslavia
Audioslavia's record against Vilita, Turori, and Vilita/Turori is impressive, the combined efforts of the Vilitan-speaking world have only overcome the Bulls on one occasion, if memory serves. In this game, played a day later than planned after torrential rain in the tropical lands of Turori, Jackie McLlroy proved the difference between the two sides, smashing a header into the bottom corner for the only goal of the game, a result that ensured Turori's quarter-final glass ceiling remained in tact. Turori would have to wait four years for any measure of revenge, as neighbours Vilita overcame Audioslavia in the World Cup 20 final.

On the downside, in each of the above games, Audioslavia went on to the tournament's final, only to lose. Then again, don't we always?

If we're going to continue to use the past as a gauge of how the future will turn out, we can, of course, turn to Audioslavia's exemplary record in the semi-finals of major tournaments. Audioslavia's semi-final record currently stands at 9-1, having won out in every semi-final between their 4-3 victory over Commerce Heights in World Cup 12, and their 3-2 AOCAF35 semi-final win over Kagdazka and Pazhujebu. That undefeated streak may have been ended by Qazox in a recent Cup of Harmony, but it remains to be seen whether that loss has done anything to end Audioslavia's nigh-on invincibility when only four teams remain. Whatever the result, those semi-finals do have a tendency to be great matches. The 4-3 win over Commerce Heights in World Cup 12 set that particular standard, followed by a nail-biting penalty shoot-out win in the World Cup 19 semi over Dance 2 Revolution, the 5-3 extra-time barnstormer against rivals Squornshellous, the 3-2 triumph over Krytenia, the nail-biting upset over ASMV in AOCAF34 and that 3-2 win over K&P four years later.

That, however, is all in the past, and it remains to be seen whether the Andre-Luis Partico-lead incarnation of Audioslavia have what it takes to reach yet another major final. So far, the nation and the FFA remain unconvinced as to Partico's suitability for a long-term crack at the job. The Cup of Harmony campaign, two years ago, ended with a farcical 1-0 loss to an eminently beatable Cuboneland after the side barely scraped out of the group with one win and three draws. This AOCAF tournament hasn't gone much better, the Bulls progressing only after a massive upset victory over a New Montreal States side that had already qualified in first place in the group, and only after bitterly disappointing losses to Mantwenic and Thatius. Indeed, had head-to-head record been the deciding factor over goal difference, Audioslavia would already be on the plane home. The Falcania victory was well-earned, and even Partico's shaky Bulls had no problems overcoming a Jay Industries side that had simply ran out of luck by the time the quarter-finals rolled around, but only the most die-hard of Audioslavia fans would bet on them comfortably overcoming Farfadillis. The hosts have been buoyed on by the partisan home crowd to such an extent that they found themselves crushing even the Pacitalians on their way to this semi-final, after topping their group and coming out of a tricky second-round match against Burchadinger with a win. Pundits expect more of the same against Audioslavia, and the game may well come down to how well Andre-Luis Partico can gee up his side. Will the Audioslavians take to the field with that air of semi-final invincibility? Will the Farf maintain the momentum that saw them overpower Pacitalia to swat aside the [i]Bulls[/i}? We shall find out tonight.

IBJJ G'NB

by **New Montreal States** » Thu Dec 13, 2012 10:24 am

"...that was great, Steve, and now if you don't mind, we're gonna open the show to some callers, Stacey is telling us that the lines are lighting up. Before I put the first caller through, I'd like to remind our callers that racial epithets are never appropriate-"

*click*

"...are these shots of pizza making you hungry yet? Here's one with a different set of toppings! Chicken AND ham on the same pizza! TASTY! Vegetarian? No problem! So is our founder's new trophy wife. Watch this close-up of her julienning a green pepper! Mouth watering yet? Dial-"

*click*

"...joining us live from Farfadillis, Doc Lagacé, who still isn't enjoying himself by the look of things. The Paladins are through to the semifinals! What could possibly be going wrong out there?"

"Matt, old friend, these people are crazy."

"This is the first time you've used my given name on-air during the tournament. Things must be pretty bad over there."

"Matt, the tournament organizers are as erratic and unreliable as squirrels who've gotten their rabid little paws on some crystal meth."

"That's pretty harsh, Doc! Fortunately it's just a personal opinion, so we're not committing libel. What led to tell everyone your personal opinion, which is not shared by our management, owners or sponsors?"

"Well, after our previous match against New West Guiana was delayed by twelve hours while the referee got his beauty rest - he really needed it, by the way, although that's not an excuse for his behavior at all - today's match against Hutt River kicked off at 5 A.M. local time. The Paladins were barely able to get a good night's sleep before having to face a well-rested Smegs side that frankly dominated the early going. In the seventeenth minute, the Paladins defense came apart at the seams trying to field a shot from The Cat that hit off the crossbar. He then skittered over to keeper Bill Watterson and offered him two badly burned pieces of toast, which the referee interpreted as excessive taunting, handing out the first yellow card of the night. I would like to add, on a personal level, my congratulations to the referee for getting out of bed on time AND somehow avoiding being used for target practice by the locals on his way to the stadium this morning."

"Doc, it's a good thing that your ad hominem remarks are great for ratings, or else you would have been thrown out on the street by now. How did the Paladins manage to come back?"

"At first, they didn't. The Paladins managed to stop the bleeding, but really couldn't find any success in the passing game during the remainder of the first half, and went back to the lockers down a goal at the half. But in the 47th minute, Talkie Toaster got his second yellow for a dangerous tackle from behind on Fred Nguyen. Here's the referee crouching down low enough to show Toaster the red card. Toaster immediately expelled a pop-tart that was burned on the outside and still frozen on the inside as a protest, but in the end made the long, lonely trudge back to the lockers. With Talkie gone, the Smegs' offense lost a huge part of its potency..."

"Hold on, Doc, you're trying to tell me that goal wasn't a fluke? A mobile toaster was giving the Paladins fits all throughout the first half?"

"Small appliance, big-time skills! With the Cat alone on point, the Smegs couldn't keep up their momentum - here's the Cat stuck in a double-team watching a long ball bounce into the seats - and the Paladins finally found their passing game. Fred Nguyen, sets up Cormier, off the post, Leclercq with the rebound and we're all tied up in the 75th minute!"

"He still looks like he's half asleep out there. Hey, he's yawning."

"That must have the last of it, since he and the rest of the Paladins kept on coming. Hutt River got no traction after play resumed, and the Paladins quickly found themselves in control once again. 82nd minute, Albert Rochon heads in a corner from Julien Cormier, his first goal of the tournament, and the Paladins have won the right to be creamed by Starblaydia in the semi-finals."

"Not feeling too optimistic, Doc?"

"These guys absolutely dominated both matches they played against the Paladins back in World Cup 61 qualifiers, and they've only gotten better since then. This is going to be a walkover for the Men in Mauve, no doubt about that. I expect the Paladins to be outplayed in all facets of the game and drop an embarrassing 3-0 clunker."

"You don't sound all that dismayed by the possibility."

"I won't miss this violent, disorganized country in the slightest. Everywhere you look, there are gunslinging Favres. You might say that they're just having fun out there, and that they'll come through and make everything alright at the end of the tournament, but frankly I don't ever want to see or hear another one of these crazy gunslinging Favres ever again."

"I'm pretty sure it's pronounced 'Farve,' Doc."

"FAR-ve, that's what I said. Major Favres. First-class Favres. I'm surrounded by Favres!"

"Doc, you do realize that even if the Paladins lose out to Starblaydia, they're going to be staying in Farfadillis for a third-place match against either the hosts or Audioslavia, right?"

"Wait, I'm stuck here no matter what happens on the pitch tonight?"

"Pretty much."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

*click*

by **Farfadillis** » Thu Dec 13, 2012 4:07 pm

Audioslavia 4-0 Farfadillis @ Ján Rülán Dêrmáá, kicked-off 04:00 (AOTC -0200) [Scorinated by Commerce Heights]

Starblaydia 0-4 New Montreal States @ Farf Fragar Firschendujmal I7'snerra, kicked-off 12:00 (AOTC -0200) (The match was supposed to start at the same time as the other, but the FFFF decided to change the venue last minute to the entire opposite of Farfadillis. From La Grane Avenida to the I7'snerra. The trip of the referee was by car, and it ran out of oil just about to arrive to the stadium. He went walking and it took him an hour more than expected. It was delayed 8 hours in total.

3rd Place Play-off

Farfadillis - Starblaydia
The two thrashed teams will face each other to recover their honour. If that's even possible.

Grand Final

New Montreal States - Audioslavia
Fuck. Why can't they both win?

by **Farfadillis** » Fri Dec 14, 2012 4:39 pm

Starblaydia 1-2 Farfadillis @ Estadio d'Onor, kicked-off 14:00 (AOTC -0200) [Scorinated by Licentiapacisterra]

by **Audioslavia** » Fri Dec 14, 2012 7:56 pm

"I'm sure you appreciate how awkward the situation is for us"
Andre-Luis Partico did not appreciate it. He didn't appreciate it one jot. He didn't appreciate being summoned to a breakfast meeting just two hours after leading the national team to a major football final, having recorded a resounding four-nothing win over the hosts of the tournament, in order to discuss his job prospects with three FFA suits, before the rest of the country had even woken up to the result. He tried to make sense of what this be-blazered twerp, a balding gentleman going by the name of Victor, had told him. He couldn't quite manage it.
"It was, after all, in the contract, here in black and white" said Victor. Andre-Luis shut his eyes and pressed his fingers into the bridge of his nose.
"Let me get this straight" he started. "I turn up with he Audioslavia national team to this here AOCAF Cup, and you lot give me one target, and one target only: Beat New Montreal States. That was it. It was on all the sports programs, made international news, was plastered on each and every sports paper we have. My target was to score a victory over New Montreal States. It didn't matter if we lost every other game in the tournament, i'd keep my job, and the tournament would be deemed a technical success, if we just went and scored a victory over the Paladins... with me so far?"
"Yes"
"So then, what happens is, we play our first four games, win two, lose two, nothing earth-shattering but we're still technically in the tournament come the final game of the group stage, which is against New Montreal States. I know we need to win for me to keep my job, and we also need a victory to get us through into the next round of the competition. Everything is riding on the game... and we win. 2-0. We play really well, we beat those damned Paladins, and we go to the second round. From here, as far as I'm concerned, my job is safe. I've fulfilled my one and only target and. if that wasn't enough, we then go and make our way to the final, improving with each game, beating Falcania and their puppet, and thrashing the hosts, and not just on their own patch, but in the worst stadium in the history of football, the angriest, most hostile, partizan crowd you could ever have the misfortune to play in front of, and we still thrashed them... and all of a sudden we're back at 'lose the next game and you're sacked'? I just don't get it"
"Think of the history books" pleaded Victor, "think of what it'll look like, what people will say. They'll look at newspaper clippings from this era and see all the references to 'beat New Montreal States or you're sacked', and then they'll look at the results from the tournament and will see, first and foremost, that Audioslavia lost the final to that very same New Montreal States team..."
"So you're sacking me for the sake of keeping up appearances?"
"No..."
"A technicality, then?"
"I suppose you could call it that..."
"I call it a sodding farce, actually, and you can't fire me for on a sodding technicality"
"I think the safest option, here, is that you simply win the tournament"
"Oh, just win the tournament? just lift the AOCAF cup? Oh well that's great! A wonderful idea! I'll just win the final! I HADN'T THOUGHT OF THAT! Oh, and of course I really need the extra pressure of my sodding job being on the line, because it's not as if we already have the extra pressure of, oh, I don't know, PLAYING IN A MAJOR FOOTBALLING FINAL WHILST BEING AUDIOSLAVIA"
"Look, Andre..."
"You're a c***"
"...steady on Andre"
"It's 'Andre-Luis' or Mr. Partico to you"
"Listen"
"No. No more. I've had enough. Whether we win or not, you can expect my resignation after the game. I'm off to the press"
"Oh come on now Andre..."
"Cheery bye, arse tits"

Sue Dysos's mobile phone started playing a song. Glanlaght Mega Snake by Mogwai. That was her ring-tone for numbers her phone didn't recognise. It sure as hell didn't recognise this one. An Audioslavian number, certainly. Someone from work? Home? Maybe something had happened to the newborn baby... oh god... no. Stop it. Stop panicking about things that haven't happened yet. Or things that haven't happened and won't happen. One way to find out.
"Hello?"
"Susan Dysos?"
"Yes, speaking, and who's this, please?"
"Andre-Luis Partico. Audioslavia manager. Any chance of an interview?"
"Err... yeah, yeah of course, I'll... I'm in a cafe... quite near you actually, near the hotel the team are staying at, anyway. Got the hell out of Ruland before I lost a kidney."
"Which cafe?"
"Err, the... the... dunno the name. It's on the corner, by the square, green tables outside... how did you get my number?"
"Ways and means. I'll see you at the cafe in ten."

--

One hour later and Sue Dysos had, in her hands - or rather, her laptop - the biggest scoop in world football for that particular day. Not only was her coverage of the Farfadillis-Audioslavia match the most in-depth of anyone covering it, barring possibly the Farf national papers that ran special AOCAF-issues during the tournament, she'd just been told that the often maligned, yet well respected, Andre-Luis Partico would be resigning from his post as Audioslavia manager after the tournament final, whether they win or lose. The circumstances surrounding the resignation were certainly... odd. The FFA had been known to play silly-buggers, but not quite to this extent. On the plus side, however, this farcical situation may well have some benefits, in a sporting sense. Here Audioslavia were, about to play a major final against one of the nation's main rivals. The narrative for everyone else, every other newspaper in every other country, would be concentrating on Audioslavia's terrible record in major finals. The two AOCAF cup final defeats to Pacitalia and the most infamous record of them all, the four World Cup final defeats. Everyone knew it off by heart by now. World Cup 12, Rejistania, penalties, lost. World Cup 19, Crystilakere, 1-0, lost. World Cup 20, Vilita, 1-0, lost. World Cup 29, Casari, 2-1, lost. That record had played on the minds of every single Audioslavia team since at least the Crystilakere defeat, and only the winners of the Baptism of Fire tournament, and those plucky Bulls that fought their way to the AOCAF 35 win, had overcome that enormous pressure of wearing the claret and green stripes in the final game. If there was a media poostorm over the man Partico's decision to storm out of the hotseat after the game, it might distract the players from the so-called 'Audioslavian curse'.

She tippy-tapped a heading into her word processor. One poostorm, coming right up.

by **New Montreal States** » Sat Dec 15, 2012 5:40 am

"Up next on Just what is it that makes today's homes so different, so appealing?, Hank discovers that some of the neighborhood pool boys have second jobs as male escorts, and starts taking steroids to cope with his insecurities! Meanwhile, Sandy goes bathroom shopping, only to find out that..."

*click*

"That's right! For only 19.99 oz., you'll receive this three-disc set of 50 Death Metal Christmas Classics. Your family will never forget opening their presents to the tune of such classics as Torture Chamber of the Decadent's 'Grandma Got Run Over By Baalzebub,' Dewey Killum and Howe's 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Zwarte Piet,' or Lethal Booger Monster's "Deck the Halls With Goat Entrails.' Don't wait, call now..."

*click*

"...glorious, undiluted triumph in the semifinals, and a rematch against Audioslavia in the Finals. The kind of thing that gets Paladins fans incredibly excited, except when it's in Farfadillis, the land of poor organization and unspeakable violence. Fortunately you can stay home without missing anything, since we've got Doc Lagacé on the case. How's everyone celebrating a blowout victory over the Men in Mauve?"

"One of the finest wins in NMS's storied history, although since most of that storied history consisted of early eliminations in various knockout rounds that's not saying much."

"Doc, you forgot to mention that Starblaydia are five-time World Champions. The lawyers said we could get into a lot of trouble if we didn't."

"Sorry. Yes, a glorious win over the five-time World Champions. Best win we've had since coming back into international competition. Unquestioned step forward for the national side, and a high point in the lives of all one hundred forty-three Montréalais who held their lives so cheaply as to watch a football match here in the land of gunslinging Favres."

"Umm, Doc, are you in a bar?"

"Why yes I am. (reaches off-camera; he grabs a bottle of whiskey and takes a deep swig before putting it mostly, but not completely, back off-camera) I am drinking. In this bar. With the rest of the crew. (camera turns over to the rest of the crew, one of whom is caught in the act of picking her nose. The other crew members toast the viewing audience before the camera turns back towards Doc) We're all drinking, in this bar we have found."

"Why are you doing an analysis segment in a bar?"

"Why aren't you? But seriously, Matt, today has been yet another wonderful day in Farfadillis, of the kind that's so wonderful only hard liquor can truly do it justice."

"There was another delay in the start of the match, I understand. How did that affect the side?"

"Another delay? HAHAHAHA! That's a good one. The local FA decided to move the site of the match at the last minute. From one city. To another, different city. That was not the city where both the teams had shown up in. Because they had thought that, if the FA said a football match would be played in a certain city, that they ought to show up in that city, and not another city that the FA pulled out of it's nether regions at what was literally the last possible second."

"I'm very impressed that you managed to not swear on camera. But you didn't answer the original question: how did the delay affect both teams?"

"Matt, I am a professional. (he takes another swig from the whiskey bottle; puts it down right next to him on the bar and continues) A stone cold professional. And I will tell you what happened. Oh yeah. So everyone shows up at 4 in the morning to play a match. 4. In. The. Morning. And then they move the venue all the way across the country for no reason whatsoever. The Paladins and the Men in Mauve got on their charters and flew over along with a bunch of match officials and FA stuffed suits. Not included in the traveling party was the referee, who had to drive himself, and then walk the last several miles after his car broke down during the final leg of the drive."

"So you're all having a drink after a rough day of surprise air travel? Nobody'll blame you for that."

"Air travel?" Doc laughed. "We should be so lucky. Nope, we couldn't get a flight - most people couldn't, considering how last-minute the change was, there were no chances to prep extra flights. We drove, just like the referee had to. At least our car made it all the way there."

"Was it a smooth road trip, at least?"

"No. We were surrounded by gunslinging Favres all over the place, which meant that we were also surrounded by bullets flying through the air around our vehicles."

"Why were you getting shot at?"

"Every single possible reason under the sun. We got into a gun battle with passing farmers angry over proposed highway widening that would require bits of their land. A waitress and a short-order cook outside of a diner tried to shoot out our tires to compel us to stop for lunch early. And the worst of it was when this elderly couple took exception to our driver honking at them for going 45 in a 75-mile-an-hour zone. Apparently, in Farfadillis, 'a secure retirement' means having a missile launcher installed in the trunk of your car."

"Holy crap, Doc."

(Doc reaches to his left, off-camera, and grabs a fifth of tequila. He swigs directly from the bottle, then passes it to a crew member whose arm is visible in the camera.) 'I'll never forget her expression. It was terrifying. It said: "Today, I watched four hours of soap operas, talked to my grandchildren on my phone, and read this month's issue of Cat Fancy. I will now ensure that you never get to do any of these things!' I'm scared, Matt. So scared."

"At least you got to the new venue in one piece, Doc."

"That we did, only to find the Paladins and Starblaydis waiting for the referee to arrive. Some players were warming up, some were just milling about, and some were alternating between the two. I caught up with team captain Fabrice Sévérin on the sidelines before the match:

'Well, you know, we're all keeping busy in our own ways. Everyone has to spent at least 20 minutes out of each hour doing drills, but we all fill those extra 40 minutes in our own way. I meditate on the futility of the violence we're surrounded by day and night here in Farfadillis. I think Fred Nguyen and the other young midfielders had their mothers and girlfriends ship them their old Pog collections from first grade. I think the neverending batshit insanity of Farfadillis has gotten to their little baby heads and driven them insane.' SAM FLOWERS can be heard yelling off-camera: 'Who's got two thumbs and just flipped all the pogs? THIS GUY!'

"Pogs?"

"Yes, Matt. Pogs."

"What the hell?"

"Great question! But it actually seems to work. Sam Flowers not only flipped all the pogs, he also ran past all the Starblaydis, finding space in the backfield for a pass from Albert Rochon and staying onsides, winning an easy one-on-one against keeper Grant Hansen. Paladins up 1-0 after an even fifteen minutes of play."

"Is there a correlation between skill with Pogs and skill at midfield?"

"Maybe. I don't know. I'm not a scientist. I'm drunk. Go ask a real scientist. Here's something cooler than a brand new pocket protector: Albert Rochon! The Paladins coming down the field, Fred Nguyen looking for the open man in the box, and it's Rochon getting separation from Sergio di Brandi, Hansen can't see clearly through traffic, and Rochon is getting hot at the right time for the Paladins."

"There are still two more goals, right, Doc?"

"You bet there are, Matt. Oh yeah. (takes another swig of whiskey) Frederico Blassii tries an ill-advised tackle on Fabrice Sévérin in the box, catches all leg and no ball, whaddya know, it's a penalty. Hugo Leclercq makes a point of deferring to the caption, Sévérin drives the ball home, and the Paladins are up 3-0 going into the half. Then Leclercq scored in the 55th minute before being given a rest."

"And the Paladins are in the final, then?"

"Absolutely, poised for a rematch against an Audioslavia side that's experienced a renaissance since beating the Paladins 2-0 to secure a wild-card spot in the playoffs. They just ran over the hosts 4-0, and doing that in an arena full of bloodthirsty, gunslinging Favres is quite an impressive feat."

"I hear that the momentum's hit a speed bump of sorts, with their coach announcing his departure no matter what happens in the finals."

"How right you are. Oh yes. The Audioslavian press has summoned forth a mighty poostorm, with reports that manager André-Luis Partico will be resigning in protest after the Audioslavian FA announced that he would be under the same 'beat NMS or get the boot' cloud of doom that had been hanging over his head during the group stage. What sort of effect this will have on the match is obviously unpredictable."

"Any thoughts on Partico's resignation?"

"Partico's resignation, on top of Txo Morea got the bum's rush before the end of WC62 qualifiers, is starting to make Audioslavia look uncoachable. Who's gonna want a job where the first big loss will have an angry mob calling for your head - and their bosses are the ones leading the mob? (Doc takes another swig of whiskey) You know what? I'm gonna my figurative hat into the ring for Partico's soon-to-be vacant throne. I can fix the Audioslavian midfield; I'm a small-town boy from rural NMS, midfield play is in my blood. I can hear it calling to me. You guys are gonna love the 3-5-2 after all that soporific waiting for counterattacks. I pledge to instill an us-versus-the-world mentality in the Bulls when it comes to dealing with the media. These guys are terrified of their own press. Unbecoming. After his publishes his first critical article, I will mail Jeremy Jaffacake a pair of my shorts, along with a knife, fork, and small container of dijon mustard. And if the Audioslavian FA tries to sack me before the end of WC63 qualifiers, I will refuse to relinquish my post and barricade myself in my office with enough supplies to last me until the end of qualifiers. I will bring back the power and respect to the Audioslavian manager's office that's been stripped away by outside forces!"

"Doc Lagacé, everyone..."

"Hire me! You guys have already done worse!"

"Doc Lagacé, enjoying the charms of Farfadillis. We'll be right back after these..."

*click*

by **Farfadillis** » Sat Dec 15, 2012 5:30 pm

GRAND FINAL

You're about to start an adventure.

At Farf Fragar Firschendujmal I7'snerra. Kick-off 12:00. The game was delayed by two days because all the referees were on strike because of the terrible things that had happened to them throughout the tournament, and because of Farfadillis "insecurity", which according to the Farf government-controled media is totally made up. The common media says otherwise.

I'd like anyone who can take a few minutes to write a review to me through a TG to do so, please. I'm curious about what you all thought about how the tournament was run, randomness aside as I've found a way to prevent that from happening on future tournaments.

EDIT: For recording purposes, Audioslavia 1-0 New Montreal States

by **Audioslavia** » Sun Dec 16, 2012 5:13 pm

The former manager of the Audioslavia national team lay on his hotel-room bed, tired, a little drunk, and full of contrasting emotions.
It had been a long day.

Deep down, Andre-Luis Partico had hoped the match, his last as Audioslavia's manager, would be a straightforward affair. The victory over Jay Industries had been straightforward, the Bulls racing into a two goal lead in the opening fifteen minutes, Txordin Velazquez receiving a free-kick unmarked in the area, and having the time and space to control the ball - at the second attempt - and drill it low through a crowd of players and under a flailing goalkeeper, and Karsten Eiger bulleting in a headed corner, again unmarked in the box. Andre-Luis had been able to take off the two goalscorers at half-time to rest them for the final and, although there were a couple of second half scares, the side held on for the 2-0 win. In the semi-final against Farfadillis, before which the bookies had unanimously backed the hosts, especially after their dismantling of perennial champions Pacitalia, the Bulls again took an early lead, this time through a typically Audioslavian counter-attack goal, relieving the pressure of having been under the kosh for the opening fifteen minutes by a fired-up Farfadillis by means of a long ball over the top, behind the Farf defence and into the path of the speedy winger Zonnestraal Jansen who took advantage of a Farf keeper's bad positioning by lobbing him from twenty-five yards. Audioslavia had effectively killed the game off by half time, another counter-attack resulting in a penalty after Karsten Eiger's was tugged down by his shirt collar as he tried to meet a low cross. Eiger would sweep home the penalty and also finish for the third goal just two minutes later, a lapse in concentration by a stunned Farf defence giving him a golden opportunity from just seven yards out. The Bulls would soak up pressure from a series of increasingly desperate second-half attacks from the hosts before, finally, with eight minutes left on the clock, they would win only their second corner of the game. Audioslavia would only send three players into the Farf box for the corner but, with many of the Farves staying upfield, it would be enough, substitute Niko Ferz mnaging to outjump Yung Chinsúa to divert the inswinging cross past Lisdiren despairing dive for a barely deserved 4-0. Two games, two surprisingly pleasant and incident-free victories. It was apparently too much to ask that the final would be a similar affair.

New Montreal States had bossed the first half. Andre-Luis had hoped the two packed midfields would cancel each other out, but Audioslavia's lack of an enforcing defensive midfielder was allowing the taller, stronger NMS team to gain the upper hand. Imaslavii's crossbar had been shaken by a powerful Cormier shot, and had needed to react quickly to a deflected effort from the same player just before half-time, readjusting his momentum to divert the effort wide of the goal with a flail of his wrist. New Montreal States should certainly have been in the lead ten minutes after half-time, after a low cross from Sévérin evaded the outstretched leg of Ruy Garcia and was met by striker Hugo Leclercq, who somehow managed to sidefoot the ball against the post from just eight yards with no defenders within five yards of him, and the goalkeeper almost completely absent. Audioslavia hadn't been spectators for the whole game, of course. Eiger had worried the goalkeeper with two long range efforts, both wide of the mark by a couple of feet. Van Wildernis, the man who had scored both goals in the two nations' first-round matchup, had drawn a save out of the keeper with a header at the start of the second half, but in truth, the Paladins were looking the more likely to add the AOCAF cup bauble to the Cup of Harmony trophy already in their cabinet. Audioslavia looked to be heading for more major-final heartbreak.

Andre-Luis Partico pondered. How to deal with the problem of the New Montreal States midfield domination. He tried to remember how the Bulls had solved the equation in the first-round encounter, but remembered that the already-qualified NMS had had less of a cause to fight for, the desire to stuff the auld enemy and deny them a spot in the second round outweighed by their need to stay injury and fatigue-free for their second-round game. Audioslavia had managed to force in two second-half goals. Andre-Luis wondered if the Palladins regretted those lapses in concentration now. If Audioslavia were to squeeze themselves onto the podium after the game, Van Wildernis' 84th minute strike in that first round encounter may yet prove to be the most important goal of the tournament.

The problem, as far as Andre-Luis could see, was that NMS's six midfielders were dominant. But how to combat that particular fact? He could hardly replace a defender with another midfielder and make Audioslavia play a 3-6-1. A long-ball game, bypassing the midfield, was also out of the question against the physically larger Palladins. Counter-attacking football had to be the way, but between them the nine NMS defenders and midfielders had been thoroughly drilled on how to deal with that particular threat, having learned the hard way in the earlier encounter that Audioslavia could punish you if you couldn't get back quickly enough.

In a flurry of activity over five second-half seconds, the conundrum, as these things tend to do when you're enjoying a lucky streak, seemed to solve itself. With fifteen minutes to go, Txordin Velazquez attempted to use a rare spell of extended possession by playing a one-two with Mauro Soccorso and running into what little space there was in the midfield. He went to run onto the through pass and just managed to reach the ball ahead of defensive-midfielder Andre Lecavalier who probably had a number of better options available to him than 'jump into the Audioslavian's ankles with both feet'. Lecavalier was sent from the field immediately, a straight red card that drew a ring of angry Palladins around the referee, as well as bringing the stretcher onto the field to remove a stricken Velazquez from play. A thumbs up from the horizontal midfielder indicated there was no lasting damage, and Audioslavia suddenly found themselves with the opportunity to play the remaining fifteen minutes, and extra-time, if need be, with an extra man. Andre-Luis Partico's decision to throw on striker Niko Ferz for the departing Velazquez - changing to a straight 4-4-2 instead of trying to gain the advantage in midfield - initially appeared to backfire. Ferz had barely warmed up and seemed unable to follow the pace of the game, allowing NMS's new 3-5-1 formation to continue as they had left off, and Leclercq would come within a whisker of scoring the winner with a driven near-post effort that came off the inside of the foot of the post and skipping across the face of the goal to be cleared by Garcia.

With five minutes left, Audioslavia's numbers advantage would pay off. In keeping with the style of the game it was a little scrappy and all kinds of ugly, but neither A-LP or the Audioslavians in attendance would care. John Ryan would clear a bouncing ball upfield, the ball dropping onto the head of NMS defender Sheldon Whitby who seemed to lose balance as he positioned himself under the ball, succeeding only in allowing the ball to bounce from the back of his head and trickle over towards the corner flag. Mannestraal Jansen used his pace to stop the ball going out of play before, with his second touch, playing a low cross to the edge of the box behind the retreating defenders, and into the path of one Wim van Wildernis, scorer of both goals in the previous Bulls/Palladins encounter, to hit first time. The shot was scuffed, looping into the air tamely the goalkeeper moved into position to pluck it from the air, but didn't reckon on a moment of madness from veteran fullback Rick Andrews, who flicked the ball on with his head, into the position the keeper had just vacated. Both he and Watterson watched on in horror as the ball looped into the goal. Van Wildernis, who will not doubt claim the goal as a 'deflected' effort, wheeled away in celebration. Ten minutes later, he would be lifting the trophy.

Andre-Luis Partico ran his fingers over his AOCAF-championship winning medal once again. Had he made the right decisiion? Probably. It wasn't as if there weren't other jobs in the world, and if that friendly Pacitalian suit was anything to go by, new job offers would be forthcoming very soon. Partico may have played for Audioslavia countless times, have been with them through thick and thin as player and manager, but he didn't owe the nation or its football association anything. His contract had ended after the AOCAF cup, he had 'decided not to ask for an extention' according to some news outlets, but everyone knew the truth. He was leaving the goldfish bowl. The impossible job. Txo Morea and Kelly Sporadic before him had been forced out by the nation's rampant and overly powerful media, and if history was anything to go by then the likes of Tarturo Magasara, Helmut Vilkaous, William Branstone et. al had suffered similarly - especially William Branstone, who endured a period of tabloid hate as manager of both Audioslavia and their conquered opponents, New Montreal States.

Who on earth would take the job after him? For now, he didn't care. He doubted he would ever care. When the history of Audioslavia's second period in international football was told, it would be his name next to one of their greatest triumphs. A victory in a major tournament at the time of Audioslavia's 'ten year' celebration of world football.

by **Pacitalia** » Wed Dec 19, 2012 3:19 pm

Sources say Partico in talks to manage Blue Foxes
Cafundelense-born former Audioslavia boss would succeed Pennachetti

TIMIOCATO (APR) — The Pacitalian football federation may have their man if rumours are accurate.

Sources well acquainted with the negotiation process have told the APR wire service that Cafundéu-born Andre-Luis Partico will be the next manager of the Blue Foxes. Mr Partico has been in talks with the Federazione di Futaboli Pacitaliana (FFP) for the last few days, those sources said, on condition of anonymity.

Mr Partico, 37, led Audioslavia's Bulls to their second AOCAF Cup title at AOCAF Cup 38 in Farfadillis. He was reported to have declined a contract extension to continue managing the Bulls, but other sources inside the Football Federation of Audioslavia, who also requested discretion, have reported a "level of acrimony" between the federation and Mr Partico in the days leading up to the final (and his exit from the Bulls job).

Both sides have declined official comment regarding Mr Partico's exit. He has also kept quiet regarding his potential accession to the job of Blue Foxes manager. The FFP also would not comment, saying they "could neither confirm nor deny" the news.

Mr Partico would succeed Narciso Pennachetti, whose four-tournament contract to manage the Foxes ended after AOCAF Cup 38. Mr Pennachetti was reportedly offered a two-tournament extension but declined, wishing to take a year off and then return to managing a league side. He has been linked to FCV Amalfia; his old job at Blue Bears was filled by his former goalkeepers' coach, Antonio Martínez.

Mr Pennachetti won two AOCAF Cups (back to back wins in AOCAF Cups 36 and 37), out of the four in which he managed the Pacitalian side.

Mr Partico would become the 29th manager of the Pacitalian national team, and would be the 10th foreign-born boss. He was born in Cafundéu and played club football for Cafundelense top-flight club XXV de Maio. He is of Silexheran descent and played for Audioslavia in international competition by virtue of that heritage, winning both the Baptism of Fire and AOCAF Cup 35 as a Bulls player.

AOCAF 38 (EVERYTHING)

AOCAF 38 MD5 RP

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