The Imperial Chap Olympiad - FINAL DAY

[Alasdair I Frosticus]

LIST OF NATIONS SELECTED FOR THE CHAP OLYMPIAD

FSSO
Baden-Powell
Warkus
Apox
Cassadaigua
Carmadin
Asyluum/Wight
Earent
New Montreal States
Karditan
Civil Citizenry
Lymantatia

Rosters (see guidelines in the events list below) should be posted in this thread. The first day of competition will be Friday the 20th.


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The original invitation, including the event list and other important IC & OOC info:

AN INVITATION TO PARTICIPATE IN THE IMPERIAL CHAP OLYMPIAD


Dear Rather Boring Mundy Nations of Ordinary Reality,

The Basileus, in his exquisite mercy and ever-lasting munificence, has decided to invite 12 Ordinary Reality nations to participate in the Imperial Chap Olympiad. The Empire itself will not participate, merely provide the panel of judges.


Events will be as follows (unless specified, all competitors must be male - this is a chap olympiad, after all):

Day one:
The Pipeathlon: contestants must complete a 10-yard course using three disciplines – pipe smoking, cycling and being carried by their servants across the finishing line - 1 team of three competitors (1 primary competitor, and 2 servants) per nation.

Gentlemen’s Golf Club: contestants must hit as many bowler hats as possible into a large fishing net using a walking stick in five minutes - 1 competitor per nation

Day two:
Swooning: Chaps have to induce the ladies to swoon through any means possible - 1 competitor per nation (the ladies will come from the Holy Empire's peerless pool of pulchritude).

Not Playing Tennis: contestants seated in armchairs play a game of tennis without getting up. The tennis ball is suspended on a wire hung between two hat stands - 1 competitor per nation.

Day three:
Moustache Wrestling: two contestants vie to be the first to pluck a single hair from their opponent’s lip weasel - 1 competitor per nation.

Briefcase Phalanx: a line of ten chaps and chapettes, dressed for the office and clutching briefcases and handbags, creates a phalanx. Lone contestants from another nation must charge at them and try to break through to the secretary on the other side, who is ready to type a letter; this is a timed event, with the winner being the individual who breaks through in the fastest time - 1 team of 10 competitors per nation, half of whom must be female; teams will be expected to both form a phalanx and nominate an individual from the team to break through an opposing phalanx.

Day four:
Shouting at Foreigners: contestants must pit their gentlemanly skills against a curmudgeonly, uncooperative foreign shop assistant from the Holy Empire - 1 competitor per nation.

Butler racing: Teams consisting of a gentleman's gentleman carrying his gentleman on his back race down a short course; the gentlemen (though not the gentlemen's gentlemen) may attempt to discomfort the neighbouring team with standard gentlemen's accessories - 2 competitors per nation (one of whom must be the carrying butler).

Day five:
Cucumber Sandwich Discus: Individuals must hurl a cucumber sandwich on a china plate, with this year’s added handicap of a side order of potato crisps - 1 competitor per nation.

Ironing Board Surfing: Contestants (who must be female) mount their ironing boards and are carried over the finishing line by their butlers and housekeepers - 1 team of 5 competitors (one of which must be female) per nation.

Day six:
Hop, Skip and G&T: Athletes must complete all three disciplines, with the emphasis on maintaining a full tumbler of gin and tonic by the end - 1 competitor per nation

Umbrella Jousting: In the medieval tradition, chaps on bicycles approach each other along a boundary and use their brollies to knock each other off, protected by Bowler hats and reinforced copies of the Holy Empire Herald newspaper - 1 competitor per nation

Day seven:
Three-Trousered Limbo: Pairs of contestants are strapped into huge pairs of double trousers, with three legs, and must stumble under a steadily-lowered limbo pole - 2 competitors per nation.

Tug of Hair: Teams of ten tug at the tips of an enormous handlebar moustache, with the added handicap of slippery moustache wax - 10 competitors per nation

Day eight:
Bounders: A chap must say something so caddish to a lady that he receives a slap. The bounder with the reddest face, but the wryest smile, is the winner - 1 competitor per nation.

Synchronised Slippages: In the Grand Olympic Paddling Pool, contestants must make an elegant display of tumbling, slipping and getting rather wet, as they attempt futilely to remain upright during their final few drinks of an exhausting week of Olympian efforts - 1 team of five competitors per nation, who must be drawn from competitors in previous events


To enter, please send a letter to the Holy Empire Imperial Secretariat of the Purple Inkwell (OOC - in this thread) describing why your team should have the right to enter the Chap Olympiad (OOC - while this is open, I maintain total discretion over which entries to accept) by the time which some have described as 'Midday, Monday the 16th, British Summer Time'; we hope this means something to you, because it means very little to us.



For more details about the Chap Olympiad, please consult this web page linking to some pale Ordinary Reality imitation: http://thechapmagazine.co.uk/category/olympiad/


Important OOC technical details:

Yes, this is intended to be silly; very silly - it's a bit of fun to keep me entertained between NS World Cups (and because now that I've recused myself in my mod incarnation from hosting any of the recurring events, this scratches a hosting itch). Nations entering are asked to enter in the same spirit of light-hearted not particularly competitive fun.

As noted above, I maintain total discretion over which nations get to enter, but everyone in NS Sports is welcome to make an application, and I'll then choose the 12 applications which amuse me the most; this will be an entirely subjective judgement on my part. Competitors need not be human, but they must be chaps. Signups must be in-character.

Rosters: Once I've decided which nations enter, rosters can be posted in this thread, using the guidelines in the event descriptions above.

Scorination: There's no way this can realistically be done with conventional scorinators, so I won't try. To keep things random I'll build an ad hoc fairly simple random number generator each day for each event based on what I think the correct 'scores' should be, in which I'll include some form of RP bonus - but it won't be particularly sophisticated. I ask you to take it on faith that it'll be fair because A) this isn't supposed to be that serious anyway B) I've been around in NS sporting events longer than the rest of you and C) I'm not actually competing myself, though I will be RPing.

Event details: some of the details above are fairly nebulous, I know, and it's not always immediately clear if an event is knock-out, impressionistic, or time-based. I will clarify the details of each day's event when I post scores; if you're unsure and want to RP preparation for an event in advance, TG me.

Scheduling: Sign-ups are open through Monday lunch my (UK) time; possibly extended if they need to be. I hope to score the first day on the 20th of July; scorination will usually take place around my lunchtime each day, though might come earlier or later if my schedule demands.

Medals: Yes, there will be a medal table to allow you to see which nation has the finest set of chaps in Ordinary Reality; medals will be handed out using the standard Olympic system.

The Holy Empire: While the sections on sport are a little out of date, you can find the Holy Empire NSwiki page here: http://www.nswiki.net/index.php?title=A ... _Frosticus

[Socialist States Owen]

OOC: This is signup for FSSO.

From the
Office of the Prime Minister

Encryption: Low
From: The office of Prime Minister Andrew James Lafferton
To: The Holy Empire Imperial Secretariat of the Purple Inkwell

Sir,

I write to you on this day concerning the newly proposed 'Chap Olympiad'. Although sporting events are usually handled by the state Ministry of Sport in our country, this most delightful event has caught the attention of myself and transcends the realm of sport due to it's usage of cultural and educational heritage. For those reasons it is the opinion of myself, leader of Parliament and it's 3,000 representatives, that the FSSO's application for participation in the event come from my office. I hereby submit an application for the FSSO to participate in the 1st Chap Olympiad on behalf of the following Chap Olympiad Committee which will organise our participation in the event should you accept our application;

- Andrew Lafferton MP, Prime Minister
- Phillip Miller MP, Minister of the Expert Executive
- Ashford Harker MP, Minister of Foreign Affairs
- Desmond Lloyd MP, Minister of Culture
- Gerald Curvington MP, Minister of Sport
- Roger Gallows MP, Minister of State Interaction and Enlightenment

As this event is exclusive for reasons of removing the plebbery, I understand that I must state reasons for you to allow us to participate. Despite past leanings towards socialist policy and a very current wide range of wealth redistribution measures, we assure you our nation does possess a distinct ruling class and for the most part supports etiquette most benefitting of the upper classes - and if this is not satisfactory, we do have the intellectualism required to provide an ironic and/or satirical spin on the event by taking part. We also believe that the fine Euran nation, which is of course culturally, economically and militarily superior to the assorted savages that surround us, will enjoy participating in a more refined sporting experience of which there is no equal. Moreover, the fact that the event is being run by the most esteemed Holy Empire, with whom this country recently shared a most exciting World Cup Final experience, is seen as an overwhelming strength of the event, compared to less gentlemanly potential hosts such as the Mytanar's or Dagan's.

Furthermore, several events in particular from your itinerary are of a particularly appealing nature to us due to Eurans generally excelling in these particular events. Swooning will be seen as a very good medal opportunity due to the often nicknamed "magnificent bastard" trait present in most Euran gentry, whilst the traditional style of longcoat and briefcase adapted by many members of the Euran government and white collar workforce (in co-operation with lustful secretaries) will give us a fantastic chance of succeeding in the Briefcase Phalanx event. Shouting at Foreigners should be within the field of expertise of most Eurans as you are probably aware, while our most recent 'WorldVision' entry shows that we have unmatched ability in an event involving innuendo's - making us sure fire favourites for Bounders.

We implore you to accept the glorious FSSO into this contest, for we are certainly well equipped for such a competition. Good day to you sir.

Yours,



Prime Minister Andrew James Lafferton
Cabinet House
Parliamentary District
City of Bastion
FSSO

Central Government Communications Offices, Lavisham Complex, Bastion, COB-310. To intercept or destroy this electronic message is a crime and will result in prosecution under state law.

[Baden-Powell]

Imperial Secretariat of the Purple Inkwell
The Holy Empire
The Dreamed Realm

Dear Sirs:

On a recent visit to the winter resort at Mountain View in The Babbage Islands, my companions and I were most pleased to chance upon your announcement of a proper Olympiad for chaps. This was the subject of excited conversation as we returned by boat to London, and after disseminating the proposed calendar along Pall Mall we have secured the collaboration of seven gentlemen's clubs to put forth an entry from the Commonwealth of Baden-Powell. These institutions, and the events most likely to be entered by each, are:

• Armed Forces Club: Briefcase Phalanx, Ironing Board Surfing
• The Cavalry Club: Moustache Wrestling, Umbrella Jousting (both days)
• Hoyle's: Pipeathlon, Shouting at Foreigners
• London Cricket Club: Gentlemen's Golf Club, Tug of Hair
• Rodwell's: Swooning, Bounders
• The Society of Technologists: Cucumber Sandwich Discus, Three-Trousered Limbo
• Sojourners Club: Not Playing Tennis, Hop, Skip and G&T

We anticipate a combined squad will attempt the Synchronised Slippages.

As you are doubtless aware our land is rooted in timeless principles of honourable behaviour in all things, from a proper respect for Crown and Church to a healthy participation in games that build character to appropriate relationships between the sexes. We note with approval the presence of the fairer sex in all essential capacities for the proposed calendar, bespeaking a salutary attitude of proper societal order.

We look forward to your reply.

Cordially yours,

Roderick Jones-Forsyth, KCBP
President, The Cavalry Club
London
Baden-Powell.

[Warkus]

The office of the Prime Minister

From:The Prime Minister of the Socialist Democracy of Warkus

To: The Holy Empire Imperial Secretariat of the Purple Inkwell

Greetings,

I wish to enquire about the 'Chap Olympiad'. Sporting events such as this are most often handled with our Minister of Sport, rather than me. Despite this, I, myself, hold a personal interest in this event and it's importance to me and the nation. It is because of my personal interest and the prestigiousness of this event, that I am officially submitting and application for the Socialist Democracy of Warkus to participate in the 1st Chap Olympiad.

I am aware that this event is very exclusive and therefore I would like to tell you why you should allow the Socialist Democracy of Warkus to participate. Although our nation is socialist, we do have standards. In case you were not aware, the Socialist Democracy of Warkus is one of the most cultured places in the world, as well as one possessing an intelligent populace. Moreover, I am certain that many people in our nation would be very excited at the prospect of the many events that have been confirmed for the 1st Chap Olympiad. The common Warku stereotype (and one we intend to live up to) fits the [u]Shouting at Foreigners[/b] and Bounders events very well, as well as many others.

We await your reply and hope that you consider our impeccable application. I bid you farewell and a nice day.

Signed,

- Aldwyn Beven, Prime Minister
- Markus Thompson, Minister of Foreign Affairs
- Evann Whill, Minister of Culture and Literacy
- Guto Emrys, Minister of Sport

[Free South Califas]

Day four:
Umbrella Jousting: two contestants, armed only with brollies and briefcases, must go at one another on bicycles and attempt to knock each other off - 1 competitor per nation

Day six:
Umbrella Jousting: In the medieval tradition, chaps on bicycles approach each other along a boundary and use their brollies to knock each other off, protected by Bowler hats and reinforced copies of the Holy Empire Herald newspaper - 1 competitor per nation

Is this intentional?

As for the competition itself, this seems like a lot of fun, but not something I could participate in without breaking my IC universe. Have a blast!

[Alasdair I Frosticus]

Day four:
Umbrella Jousting: two contestants, armed only with brollies and briefcases, must go at one another on bicycles and attempt to knock each other off - 1 competitor per nation

Day six:
Umbrella Jousting: In the medieval tradition, chaps on bicycles approach each other along a boundary and use their brollies to knock each other off, protected by Bowler hats and reinforced copies of the Holy Empire Herald newspaper - 1 competitor per nation

Is this intentional?

Whoops - one of those should be butler racing, I think...

Off I go to change that; thanks for pointing it out.

[Apox]

The Office of Buffoonery

From: Sir Charles Smith-Smythe-Smith of The Office of Buffoonery
To: The Holy Empire Imperial Secretariat of the Purple Inkwell

Good day, Esteemed Colleague

The Apox office of Buffoonery must express our delight upon discovering that such a competition exists. Matters such as these, so-called 'sporting oppurtunities' are normally handled by our slightly less esteemed colleagues over in the Division of Sport. However, this was forwarded to our office because they thought it was a joke and because they thought we didn't have enough to occupy ourselves with. As if drinking gin and engaging in small talk wasn't a valid job description!

As such, we feel that we would like to compete in such as competition should we be given the oppurtunity. We feel that the chap's in our nation would be well suited to a competition such as this. Our particular skills might be in the Shouting at Foreigners Class (or Some of our own people, the way they are unable to understand us!), the Not Playing Tennis (we have a particular skill in sitting down) and the Moustache Wrestling (our moustaches can be fearsome).

We look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

Yours Sincerely,

Charles Smith-Smythe-Smith
Office of Buffoonery

[Free South Califas]

Off I go to change that; thanks for pointing it out.

No worries mate, have fun.

[Cassadaigua]

To: Holy Empire Imperial Secretariat of the Purple Inkwell
From: Preston I. Grant, President of Male Equality Now in Cassadaigua

Dear Sir,

I am formally submitting this application to you for your consideration to allow us to send some wonderful men to the Dreamed Realm. What better chance do we have, as male Cassadagans to show that we can do anything that men can from other lands can do. But it is not just that, I see some of these events listed and my mouth waters with excitement.

Swooning? Yeah, look at we have to put up with here! If we can deal with them, we can handle anything!
Bounders? Perfect! Although we can get slapped all too easily for you.

Other events are appealing too. I think we would have a good time and I would love to see us chosen as a participant. Have a swell day!

Sincerely,
Phillip I. Grant, President of MEN

[Carmadin]

*A gathering of gentlemen at the Sho Athletic Club, the nationally renowned club for all sports, as well as social gatherings between such dapper gentlemen as these*

Turko Salt stood at the head of the gathering of suited, bowler-hat-wearing chaps before him. Canes and shined shoes were abundant as he looked out on the crowd. The large pool at the Athletic Club provided an excellent backdrop, he thought.

"Right, chaps. We are the gentlemen's club of Carmadin, the very dapperiest of dappers, the very epitome of gentlemanliness. While others work out and try to build their muscles, we know the true meaning of manliness. Our bowler hats are made from the finest felt money can buy, our pipes are always full, our chess prowess is undisputed throughout this land. Now we have a chance to prove it."

A considerable buzz arose at that, and one of the more shiny-shoed gentleman, a chap by the name of Gadir Koli, arose.

"But how will we prove this? You know gentlemanliness and chivalry has been horrifically downplayed in the modern society-how will we be the true chivalarious men that we are?"

"Well, there has been something set up for us, for the ones in this earth who are just as cultured and sophisticated as ourselves.... the Chap Olympiad"

At this point, a man in the back of the group stood, leaning on his cane in the accepted fashion.

"Olympiad? The olympics are a competition of sport for the uncultured ninnymuggins who call themselves athletes. The only suitable sport in that whole competition is equestrian!"

"Yes, but this is different. This is a competition for all the dapper gents of the world, to compete in the right honorable games of the cultured gentlemen of this world, a competition of people with all our interests."

"Why....what sort of events shall there be?", inquires a gentleman in a fine felt bowler.
"How will we show our gentlemanliness to the world, how will it be done?"

Turko smiled at that, and pompously unfolded a long letter, from which he read:

"In the pipeathlon, our right hoborable competitors will run through a ten-yard course, whilst they smoke a pipe, utilize their man-powered transportation mediums, and are carried by attendants.
Then, the Gentleman's Golf Club will be contested, in which we will try to use our canes to place bowler hats into a large fish net, and attempt to get the most in five minutes"

At this, a horrified gasp came from those assembled. The gent with the fine felt bowler stood once more, expressing the sentiments of all:

"Do they think I will allow my bowler to touch the ground? This is 100 percent fine felt, a custom made bowler from the Gentleman's Outlet factory store in Chahr. I would never allow it to be hit with a stick, touch upon the ground, much less be thrown into a seafood-smelling fish net! If you think I will allow my bowler to be so sadly mistreated, you're very much mistaken!"

A round of applause came, and the assembly expressed their utmost aggreement. Turko, however, simply smiled.

"Please, please, calm down, settle down. I'm sure the organizers of this tourney will understand our sentiments, and provide us with competition bowlers, so we need not worry"

Many of the chaps relaxed, and a collective sigh of relief was released. Some replaced bowlers they had clutched protectively to their chests.

"Anyhow, after the Golf Club, there will be a competition to make a group of ladies swoon, something we are very good at, and then the right honorable and respectable game of Not Playing Tennis."

"Not Playing Tennis? How does one Not Play Tennis?"

"It seems the contestants will be seated in armchairs, and bat a tennis ball back and forth between them, while the ball if tied to a coat rack.
Anywhichway, next is the Moustache Wrestling, in which the competitors will vie to pluck a single hair from the other's upper lip finery."

At that statement, many members of the club leapt to their feet, proclaiming to fight valiantly for the honor and pride of their perfectly waxed Moustaches, and to not let the exquisite perfection of their lip ornamentation be disturbed in any way, and definetly not by the drastic means of having a hair extracted.

"In any case, next is the Briefcase Phalanx, in which yourselves and your wives will link arms, and prevent access by the opposition, while at the same time racing through the opposition's line to their secretary, to be the first to dictate a letter.
After that, we will be able to excersise one of the most subtle arts of gentlemanliness: Shouting at Foriegners. One regulation Foriegner will be provided, and we all must shout to the best of our ability.
Once our voices are well and hoarse, we'll have the butler races, in which your gentleman will carry you over the course, as you are matched with another pair. You may attempt to upset your opponents using your cane.
Afterwards, we have the Cucumber Sandwich Discus"

At this moment, an gentleman in the crowd who had been dining on just such a delicacy promptly stood, and hurled it at Turko. It flew elegantly through the air, soaring majestically over the assembled chaps, and, just as gracefully as it had ascended, hit Turko's face with a most satisfying SPAT.
Wiping mayonaisse off his collar (it thankfully had not touched his bowler), Turko sampled a bite of the excellent cucumber, then continued, acknowledging the excellent throw that had been made.

"And, after that demonstration of the discus, we have the Ironing Board SurfingN which will be contested by your wives and servants only.
Then, the Hop, Skip, and G+T, in which you must hop, skip, and jump while holding a glass of gin and tonic.
Once that's finished, you may mount your manual foot-powerd transport mediums and engage in umbrella jousing, where you will knock your opponent off his transport medium using only your brollie.
After this, you will go with a teammate to don a sporting pair of three-legged trousers, and perform a limbo whist wearing them.
The final three events will provide the climax-
The tug of hair, in which an enourmous moustache has been created simply for us to pull,
Bounders, in which the ladyfolk will slap us, and we will get rewards.
And Synchronized Sl.."

But here, Turko was interrupted by Dano Kile, who erupted violently from the back, striding, spluttering and indigniant, to the front, waving his cane about, as he tried to form coherent speech through his supreme indignation.

"Th-n-ch?? Th-s-t-b-n-chs? N-chs?"

After he had slowed his spluttering to more of a drizzle, he was able to say:

"There is no chess? No chess? The most high of gentleman's games, no chess?"

He waved his cane about, shouting in indignation, when suddenly, the cane caught him round the ankles, and he flew quite spectaculary into the pool. Turvo continued as if nothing had happened.

"And Sychronized Slippage, of which this pratfall is an excellent example"

"Right, all in favor, say aye"

There were a chorus of "ayes", in favor of competing

"Opposed, say ika-mika-shuffa-luffa-ding-dong"

As nobody would dare say something so immature, there were none opposed.

"Right then, let's write our letter of acceptance of the invitation to vie to be accepted for acceptance!"

***

From: The Right Honourable and Dapper Gents of the Sho Athletic Club
To: Holy Empire Secriatat of the Purple Inkwell
Subject: Letter of Acceptance of your Cordial Invitation to vie to be Accepted for Acceptance into the Chap Olympiad

Dear Honorable Purple Inkwell,

We, the Right Honourable and Dapper Gents of the Sho Athletic Club, have taken it upon ourselves to revive chivalry, culture, and cordiality in Carmadin, and as such we choose to chance competition in the Chap Olympiad. We belive we fit your requirements like a custom-made Bowler hat, as:
We take great pride in our membership in the Right Honourable and Dapper GentsN meeting every week on tuesdays and fridays, and on alternate thursdays every month, and on sundays after church if it's raining.
We try to simplify our Carmadese names to sound more dapper and chivilarious.
Our gentlemanliness is the best in Carmadin, and we know we would exceed expectations representing our nation.

Though we have some concerns regarding the providing of regulation Bowlers so we do not befoul our own, and indignance and sheer outrage from some members at the exclusion of the spiffing game chess, we nonetheless would be honored to compete, and we hope you will consider our application.

Signed,

The Right Honourable Gents of the Sho Athletic Club

[Alasdair I Frosticus]

Somewhere in ISPI HQ

"I say, chaps, how are the preparations for the Chap Olympiad coming?"

"Well, chaps, we've managed to confirm the events, Isaac the Prince Imperial has agreed to serve as Honorary President..."

"He's a fine chap - perhaps not that bright, and a terrible poet, but a dab hand at Not Playing Tennis."

"...the G&T supplies have been guaranteed for the opening ceremony, and the sign-ups are beginning to come in from such fine founts of chapdom as FSSO, Carmadin, and other chaps besides."

"Splendid! Well done, chaps!"

"But we still have some space for more sign-ups, so we hope a little gentle reminder will flush out some more chaps."

"I daresay."

"So we're posting flyers in gentlemen's clubs across Ordinary Reality, just to remind all those fine chaps out there that we still welcome them here in the Chap Olympiad. We can promise them eight days of fine displays of chapdom."

[Wight]

.

[Lymantatia]

To: The Holy Empire Imperial Secretariat of the Purple Inkwell,
From: Queen Margaret III of Lymantatia,

Dear The Holy Empire Imperial Secretariat of the Purple Inkwell,

I, Queen Margaret III give the Unified Confederation of Lymantatia permission to enter the Imperial Chap Olympiad, for our country provides a growing chap Olympiad culture.

The events to be in are the Pipeathlon, Cucumber Sandwich Discus, Umbrella Jousting and Rounders.

Sincerely,
Queen Margaret III of Lymantatia

[Asyluum]

From the
Office of the Chief Inquisitor

Encryption: Under The Mortuary
From: The office of Chief Inquisitor Tomas de Torquemada
To: The Holy Empire Imperial Secretariat of the Purple Inkwell

Sir,

What FSSO said,

Best Regards,
Tomas de Torquemada

PS: Asyluum, in case you haven't heard of it, is a very ordinary mundane little island so far away from other places, like, say, just for argument's sake, oh, I don't know, Wight or someone, that it bears absolutely no relation to any other place, anywhere, none, not a single place. Distinctly not a puppet or owt.

[Wight]

.

[Earent]

Dear purple chaps,

We would be honored to join you in celebrating the glory of manly sports. We even were able to recruit Haythel Irntdon, brother of our rightful queen a happenstance celebrity, because he is committed to preserving upper class values in Earent heard there would be gin.

Being as we are a rather small and insular nation, although very proud of our linguistic heritage, we were rather fearful excited to learn that you exist outside of time and space as we know it everyone can be understood in your Empire.

Thank you for the invitation!

Sincerely,
Tif Molander,
for the Monarchist Movement and associated chaps

[Alasdair I Frosticus]

Somewhere in ISPI HQ

"I say, chaps, are we still on track for sign-ups?"

"Well, we're getting close, old chap, but perhaps we need to remind those Ordinary Reality nations that there are less than 24 hours to go before sign-ups close?"

"Perhaps we should, old chap."

"Say, old chap, there's an interesting telegramme query here from one Ordinary Reality nation about the definition of 'male'; essentially, does a chap need to have a male generative organ?"

"Rest assured old chap that so long as a contestant presents as male, we shan't be asking him/her/it to drop trousers and present a penis. No sir; if one believes oneself to be a chap, we shan't be too concerned about the extent to which genitalia match external presentation."

"Thanks for clarifying that old chap."

"Nothing to worry about old chap. Another G&T?"

"Don't mind if I do."

[New Montreal States]

To the Holy Empire Imperial Secretariat of the Purple Inkwell

From the Official Desk of the Head Drone, 14 Mount Royal Boulevard, New Montreal

I Say, Old Bean -

The New Montreal Chapter of the Drones Club would like to throw their hats into the ring of the Chap Olympiad; figuratively of course, as it wouldn't do to sully their bowlers with dirt that a servant or petty bourgeois might have walked on. Our haberdashery is second to none, our tailors are rich, and our blood is exactly the right shade of blue.

We are having the washerwomen rigourously starch our collars, selecting our most stable, popping-resistant monocles, and telling our gentleman's personal gentlemen to pack a second container of fine Teutonic mustache wax. We are also having several of the svelter personal gentlemen undertake a rigorous, daily regimen of Danish naval exercises under one Lt. Johannson.

We have commissioned a pair of itinerant celtic tinkerers to assemble That's The Boy, which boasts 22 feet of front-wheel diameter and put those social climbers across the way at the Junior Tory's Society in their place. It is undoubtedly the largest bicycle in the New Montreal States, and will no doubt leave a favorable impression on your society and the broader society of chaps in general.

We await your reply with the appropriate mixture of jaded detachment and polite anticipation.

Sincerely,

E. Augustus de la Ware, Drones Club President

[Karditan]

~From the desk of~
Arlen Deaton
~CEO of Culture Incorporated~

Good Day, fine Sirs of the Purple Inkwell. Word has drifted to our skilled Research Department (not to be confused with our Research & Development Department) that The Holy Empire shall be holding an Event to finally prove once and for all which Nation of the Mundane Realm is supreme in the various arts of Chappery. As the Lunar Duchy's finest producer of Pipes, Monocles, and various other Articles of Sophistication, us Chaps in charge of Culture Incorporated feel obligated to put forward a Proper Karditani Application to participate in the Chap Olympiad. Our connections to the finest Haberdashers across our diverse Nation assure us access to Chaps skilled in a Variety of Fields, from the smooth-talking Chaps from Nozama to the overly-aggressive Gentlemen from Bashtun. With such a Repetoir of able Chaps, how could we afford to Pass on such a fine opportunity?

Not to mention our President of Equestrian Affairs, Country Club, has been itching to show off his new line of Stallion's Belts. They are rather Reduntant in Function, but provide a pleasing Aesthetic. Country Club has always been rather Obssessed with appearing more Human than Equine, down to immitating a Human Chap's trouser support even when Equines do not even have the Ability to properly wear trousers.

We shall Eagerly await a Response, at the ready to form a Top Caliber Delegation post-haste and Properly Represent our Nation's excellence in Chappery.

[Civil Citizenry]

I'm a chap, but I'm not a chapper
Just like I rap, but I'm not a rapper
I spend too much of my time lip-licking
So I spend a lot of my time chap-sticking
I don't live in a rural town like Saginaw
I live in the snootiest suburbs like Chappaqua
I'm a slam dunk, like Vince Carter from the Raptors
But the chav moved to the Mavs so he started a new chapter
I love private school, that's why when I was little
I knew I wanted to go to Duke and not Chapel Hill
I'm Happy Chandler, I'm not hapless
I bring the heat like Aroldis Chapman
I rhyme so many times, this is number seven
Like the billions that JP Morgan lost, here comes Chapter 11!

[The Archregimancy]

Sign-ups are now closed.

A list of accepted applications will follow shortly.

Accepted applications for the Chap Olympiad (IC version to follow shortly):

FSSO
Baden-Powell
Warkus
Apox
Cassadaigua
Carmadin
Asyluum [Wight]
Earent
New Montreal States
Karditan
Civil Citizenry
Lymantatia

[The Archregimancy]

WELCOME TO THE CHAP OLYMPIAD!

Dear Lucky Selected Nation,

Welcome to the Chap Olympiad! We have 12 national delegations of chaps travelling to the Holy Empire as we speak, where the chosen few will be lucky enough to engage in robust, manly, not particularly exterting competition, all lubricated with generous supplies of G&T.

The following national delegations of chaps are expected:

1) FSSO - A nation whose application displays a fine dedication to the spirit of the event; and besides, after beating them in the World Cup 60 final, we are filled with magnamity towards them.

2) Baden-Powell - No nation with such a fine network of Gentlemen's clubs could possibly be refused entry to a Chap Olympiad!

3) Warkus - While we would usually regard the participation of socialists with suspicion, their apparent dedication to the events of Shouting at Foreigners and Bounders has seen their application accepted.

4) Apox - Accepted solely on the back of the name of Sir Charles Smith-Smythe-Smith's name. Clearly this is a chap who knows what's what.

5) Cassadaigua - For now is the moment when all good Dagan chaps shall rise up against the oppressive power of the matriarchy.

6) Carmadin - The Gentlemen's Club of Carmadin may be overprotective of their lip weasels, but they show every sign of being fine chaps who have entirely caught the spirit of the Chap Olympics.

7) Asyluum [Wight] - While we have, of course, immediately seen through the disguises (but shhhh - don't let them know that we know), they look like good fun. The smoking jackets and silk cravats are a nice touch, and show that they know what it is to be a chap.

8.) Lymantatia - Still seem to be slightly unsure about what it means to be a chap, but their chaps could no doubt benefit from being exposed to so many fine chaps from other nations.

9) Earent - A short application, but one with considerable promise. We look forward to welcoming Haythel Irntdon, happenstance celebrity.

10) New Montreal States - Fine Orthodox chaps who are always welcome in the Holy Empire. While they seem to be suspiciously committed - in that some of their chaps are actually training, the bicycle is bound to leave a favourable impression.

11) Karditan - Not a nation we're particularly familiar with, but any nation with such a fine collection of haberdashers must be full of excellent chaps.

12) Civil Citizenry - Technically, their entry did not take the form of a letter to ISPI; however, the form of their entry seems to indicate a fine awareness of the tradition of eccentricity so vital to a community of chaps.


All of the visiting delegations are invited to a preliminary peasant shoot before the opening ceremony. A field of peasants has been made available for the purpose, and a peasant roast shall follow afterwards. Those who object to cannibalism should be assured that no one in the Dreamed Realm ever dies without their own consent, and that all peasants have agreed to being shot, roasted, and eaten.

Those who for some reason really, really, really object to the idea of shooting and roasting peasants can skip the event entirely, and are cordially invited to join in the pipe relay, as the Olympic Pipe is carried through the streets of the Imperial City before the opening ceremony in the Imperial Hippodrome. Either that, or they can participate in a pheasant shoot instead; please state your preference for participating in the peasant or pheasant shoot when you enter the Holy Empire.

Cordially Yours,

Isaac, Prince Imperial

Honorary President of the Chap Olympiad.

[Warkus]

Warkus National Gentlemen's Club Team

(Note: All chaps will be participating in Tug of Hair.)

All chaps in this team are high ranking members of both society and the Warkus National Gentlemen's Club. All chappettes are members of the Warkus National Lady's Association and all servants were hand picked from the best of the poor and nicknamed appropriately.

Chaps:

Coldsmith Eldridge - The Pipeathlon (Primary Competitor), Briefcase Phalanx, Ironing Board Surfing (Chap)
Sir William Evans - Gentlemen's Golf Club, Ironing Board Surfing (Chap), Synchronised Slippages
Maxwell Pope - Swooning, Ironing Board Surfing (Chap), Synchronised Slippages
Arrand Benedict - Not Playing Tennis, Briefcase Phalanx, Ironing Board Surfing (Chap)
Levans Douglass - Moustache Wrestling, Briefcase Phalanx, Umbrella Jousting
Zachary Jewell - Shouting at Foreigners, Three-trousered Limbo, Synchronised Slippages
Markund Leif - Butler Racing (Gentlemen), Three-trousered Limbo, Synchronised Slippages
Kent Hays - Butler Racing (Gentlemen's Gentlemen), Briefcase Phalanx, Bounders
Billiard James - Hop, Skip and G&T, Briefcase Phalanx,Synchronised Slippages
Sir Waylon Xavier Tree - N/A

Chappettes:

Lauren Williams - Briefcase Phalanx, Ironing Board Surfing
Mary Johnson - Briefcase Phalanx
Mavis Stevens - Briefcase Phalanx
Beatrice Poppy - Briefcase Phalanx
Hannah Melody - Briefcase Phalanx

Lowly Servants:

Scruffy - The Pipeathlon (Servant)
Nails - The Pipeathlon (Servant)

[Apox]

The Roster For the Chap Olympiad

Chaps
Sir Charles Smith-Smythe-Smith - Shouting At Foreigners, Briefcase Phalanx, Umbrella Jousting
Bio: Sir Charles is such a monumental chap that he was recently awarded the Chap of the Decade award in Apox and as such was made the Minister for Buffoonery. Such is his chapness and generally buffoonery that he last knew where he was in the fateful summer of 558 A.T.

Oliver Hurdy-Gurdy-Briggs - Briefcase Phalanx, Swooning, Synchronised Slippage
Bio: The first qualifier in Apox for the chap Olympics on such merits as having been intoxicated with gin continuously for the last 3 years.

Samuel Winklebottom - Briefcase Phalanx, Synchronised Slippage, Bounders, Moustache Wrestling
Bio: The cousin of our esteemed leader, Samuel Winklebottom is a fantastic chap whose powers of idiocy are unrivalled throughout the land.

Francis Francois - Briefcase Phalanx, Synchronised Slippage, Butler Racing
Bio: The only French speaking chap we've ever encountered, he's a strange one, even by our standards.

Vincent Newton-Forsythe-Cracker - Synchronised Slippage, Three-Trousered Limbo, Ironing-Board Surfing, Hop, Skip and G&T
Bio: Fantastically wealthy, so much so that it is said that he has never much a peasant bar out of zoo-enclosure circumstances.

Quentin Foolhardy - Ironing-Board Surfing, Briefcase Phalanx (Single Contestant as well), Cucumber Sandwich Discuss
Bio: They say he knows no bounds in terms of daring activities he will do. That being said, it may be because he is incomprehensibly unaware of everything.

Jeremy Ollivender - Three-Trousered Limbo, Gentleman's Golf Club, Ironing-Board Surfing.
Bio: Splendid all round chap.

Spencer Jean-Thomas - Ironing-Board Surfing, Not Playing Tennis, Synchronised Slippage
Bio: A young upstart who claims to prefer Whiskey over Gin.

Chapettes
Group Bio: Smashing Group of Ladies the lot of them
Jennifer Goldberg - Briefcase Phalanx, Ironing-board Surfing
Bianca Foolhardy - Briefcase Phalanx
Catherine Francois - Briefcase Phalanx
Samatha Winklebottom - Briefcase Phalanx
Sophia Smith-Smythe-Smith -Briefcase Phalanx

Others
Giles Percival - Butler Racing
Bio: Francis' butler.

The nation of Apox would like to accept your invitation to a Peasant shoot and our chaps are practically frothing at the mouths to get involved, however, could we possibly eat the pheasant for supper?

[Wight]

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