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Bears versus Nellies. What were they thinking?
We can picture it now - that controller guy running the draw, perhaps one of the oldest members of the long-lost Dancougar interns clan. Indeed, that diaspora of highly-enthusiastically underpaid people seem to pop whenever and wherever a bureaucratic problem arises, more than making up for earlier stereotypes of a people fascinated with giant robot anime. But this chap has perhaps long forgotten his Dancougarite heritage, having lived in various countries before finally settling in Legalese (why?!? - we'll never really know). And the moment such a position opened, he - being highly overqualified - immediately applied and was accepted on the assumption that he'd survive on low saltine crackers and the juice oozing from a dry aloe vera plant.
Anyway, it was the MD2 match fixture draws, and he was given the opportunity of a lifetime to draw the lots for the third fixture. He carefully reached his hand into the box. And by "carefully", we really mean he searched the box until he found two names that sounded neat. "Nellietopia" reminded him of custard pies. "The Bear Islands" seemed like a good place to go nude (he's probably thinking about the "Bare Islands"...). Needless to say, he managed to break the machine, because immediately after he had drawn the Bear Islands, Estresse Intenso appeared in every lot that came up afterward - meaning that the remaining fixtures had to be drawn out by hand. That glitch proved mightily troublesome (maybe they used a DDR draw system?).
But enough with the extended prologue, we've probably bored you with this needless history (unless you're a fan of Dancougarite interns, in which case... well... too bad).
What happened to the actual match itself?
Well, it was perhaps a confluence of bad luck and bad juice. You know, we're not sure who replaced the team water jug with some potent chemicals, but you could definitely tell that something was amiss just as the bears were preparing to perform their ceremonial harrdiharr. With the usual brandishing of their warclubs, the Ursines started to go bonkers and rushed into the stands during a shortened rendition of the 10-minute-93-second national anthem of the Nellietopian national anthem (one figures it's a combination of the juice they drank and the high-pitched squealing, to which their ears were most acutely attuned). For the second match in a row, people fled the stands, although it was ironically the Nellies who helped rein in the Ursines, spinning purple nets over the bears.
Of course, a bear on juice knows no limits. The Ursines escaped the nets, dragging the nellies along with them, and they all went into the city of Sagdineo, where the terrified population ran amuck with Armed Ursines were flailing their warclubs haplessly and Nellies - who were sincerely trying to help - were spraying their silk all over the mess. You really couldn't describe that mess that resulted. Indeed, with the amount of purple silk that had gone over the city, some news pundits remarked jokingly that Starblaydia had invaded the Bekkside city again. Unfortunately, some people in charge believed the news reports, and the moment they saw the purple city, they feared the worst...
Starblaydii hooligans with purple spray foam had sacked Sagdineo
10 hours and 93 minutes later... with the world headed for a reckoning of who knows what proportions, John McClintock once again stepped in to save the day. But every moment he glanced at the Legalese authorities, the Army, the Air Force, the Navy, and the Dancougarite intern who mix-matched the two teams together, he couldn't stop himself from doing a facepalm. "You seriously thought this was going to end well?" he asked the men, all somehow gathered in a bunker under some secret facility. Bombs were exploding overhead, and the occasional rustle of dust was the only reminder of what miserable %$#^ into which they had gotten themselves. "Who's the genius who lets bears and nellies play football?" John cried out. "Usually, retcons are reserved for the most grievous of circumstances, but this is pressing it a bit too much."
"Uh, Mr. McClintock," remarked one of the men in the room (anonymous, only because there were so many men and woman in the room). "I understand that you're upset, but we really think this is grievous. In fact, it's probably the worst it's ever been."
"Lady and Gentlemen, for lack of a better way to say this, you are imbeciles! If you have any scion of intelligence left in you, after the retcon, you'll ban the Nellies and the Bears from competing. Or at least you'll insure that they never meet again in this country!"
John McClintock then exited stage right, the dust and bombs disappeared, all was your happy-as-it-were, and somehow the Nellies beat the Bears 5-4. Yeah, we're not sure either, but they're not playing each other again.
AFLAC had been in a heightened state of security ever since the big leak of the leak. Things had gotten so extreme that the nellie interns were busily translating every transcript from goose to swan. Ironically, they had to use frog intermediary, which begged why translating from goose to frog, and then frog to swan was necessary. In any event, Guard Duck was obsessing over Operation:NellieScoutsinKrytenia for the past two or three days, and just when he had finalized all of the plans, the nellies came in with a plot twist alert.
"Sir, we've received word that Krytenia has moved to Rushmore."
Guard Duck sighed. "We've known about this for a while. Why is this a problem?"
"The post office won't accept the mail receipts to Krytenia, since the addresses no longer exist."
"Wait, the post office? Why are you mailing the Nellie Scout Cookies?"
"Well, we've found it's more economical than to go out door to door, annoying people only to have roughly 76% of the people answering buying our cookies. By using mail-based methods, we've increased our economic efficiency by 5%."
"I think the point of doing it door to door is to annoy people."
The nellies nodded, "True, but the annoyance factor can be compounded by sending multiple letters to the same address. By our calculations, annoyance increased by 26%, and another 66% if the household doesn't have a paper shredder. Plus, we use only the finest in anti-shredding paper, which adds 433% annoyance. And since the Nellie Scouts are a non-profit organization that donates all of its proceeds to the Nellietopian government, postage is free (except in countries where postage is either non-exempt or mandatory)."
Guard Duck had no reply there. "Well, I guess it is better to do this by mail. But if that's the case, then we're going to need to figure out where to send this mail then."
"We could send the Bovine Goose Corps to search out the Krytenian addresses in Rushmore."
It seemed a rational idea, but Guard Duck dismissed it. "No, it has to be subtle. We'll need to find someone who has access to a Krytenian post. Someone who's still in AO."
"Shall we dispatch the stoned wallabies to investigate then?"
"No. Better to send the..."
