(AND SOME THIRST-QUENCHING GUARANÁ MUQUIRANA!)
A jaunty but exceptionally annoying theme song plays, wherein the phrase 'Grilled Brie for 3' is simply sung over and over again, ad infinitum. Following a series of terrible CGI special effects, which display a drawing of the globe slamming into the flag of Kagdazka and Pazhujebu, causing a massive explosion, the camera jerkily pans to the two slightly irritated-looking hosts of the show, Fušia Oujadda and Peregrina Thašighi. Today they are holding the camera in front of them as they walk through the arrivals lounge of Lasft International Airport, sunglasses on their faces and travelling bags over their shoulders.
YOUR HOSTS:
<-- Fušia Oujadda
Peregrina Thašighi -->
TODAY'S GUEST:
A Refreshing Can of
Guaraná Muquirana
<-- Fušia Oujadda
Peregrina Thašighi -->
TODAY'S GUEST:
A Refreshing Can of
Guaraná Muquirana
Peregrina: Oh, my gosh, I'm, like, so jittery!
Fušia: Nerves, huh? Well, since you have the professional attitude of a seven-year-old little leaguer playing for pizza and ice cream at the end of the game, there's no surprises there.
Peregrina: Oh, yeah? Nice face!
Fušia: Good comeback.
Peregrina: I actually think it was this drink.
The next few lines are clearly rehearsed.
Fušia (sipping from a can of Guaraná Muquirana): Mmmmmm. Isn't it delicious?
Peregrina (also sipping): Mmmmmm, it sure is!
Fušia (sipping again): As professional athletes, Peregrina and I know what thirst tastes like.
Peregrina (sipping again): It tastes like shit!
Pause.
Peregrina: Thirst! I mean thirst tastes like shit! Not Guaraná Muquirana, it's refreshing!
Fušia (sipping again): Not scripted, but good save.
Peregrina (sipping again): Thanks.
Fušia (sipping again, it's starting to get cheesy): So if you need a refreshing jolt of professional-level hydration, get your hands on some fucking Guaraná Muquirana and get pumped!
Peregrina (tries to sip again, but ends up in a coughing fit): Oh my God, it's so strong!
Fušia: See? Evidence that only the bad-ass-est of bad-ass professionals can handle the thirst-quenching power of Guaraná Muquirana!
They drop their fake enthusiasm, having finished the spot. Peregrina's eyes are still watering.
Peregrina: Wow, that stuff is, like, not for me.
Fušia: Just because the commercial's over doesn't mean you should just go insulting our sponsors. The camera is still rolling, you know.
Peregrina: Really? Oops.
Fušia: Anyway, some of you viewers may be asking yourselves: 'why are these two gorgeous young ladies whoring themselves out to the corporate world on their otherwise-awesome web TV show?'
Peregrina: More like, 'that gorgeous young lady and her melted-grape-and-chocolate-candy-looking friend.'
Fušia: First of all, I'm glad you at least give me the courtesy of 'friend' status. Second of all, fuck you. Third of all, you stole that joke from Timo Skye, almost verbatim, from when he was on the show a few months ago. Fourth of all, the real answer is that travelling to Cafundéu is approximately as expensive as organizing a moon walk. And, guess what? Kagdazka and Pazhujebu has a transitional government and a fragile (if growing) economy! Our NOC can't afford to send us here unless we pay our own way.
Peregrina: Luckily, Fušia plays for a powerhouse right here in Cafundéu, Ranca Toco, whose primary shirt sponsor is... guess who... Guaraná Muquirana!
Fušia: And, you know, I've done a few commercials for them already, so we just organized a situation where they sponsor our whole delegation!
Peregrina: In, like, exchange for us doing these, like, commercials. And stuff.
Fušia: So... yeah! Let the Olympics begin!
Peregrina: Totally. How do you feel about being the flag-bearer, Fušia?
Fušia: Pretty cool. But I'm basically already used to being the center of attention everywhere I go...
Peregrina: Very modest of you.
Fušia: ...so this is nothing too new. It's a great honor, of course.
Peregrina: Well, people apparently think you're the Federation's best-ever football player. Don't know why they, like, think that, but whatever.
Fušia: Okay, which terminal are we supposed to walk to in order to get to our team bus?
Peregrina: Uh... I don't know.
Fušia: Well, why don't you check your athlete handbook? Good lord, you're as bright as a Dancougarian intern.
Peregrina (genuinely): Aw... thanks, Fušia!
Fušia does a face-palm. Meanwhile, Peregrina digs around in her golf-cart sized purse to pull out a red-and-yellow pamphlet.
Fušia: Hold on. That is definitely not our handbook.
Peregrina: Oh, sorry, you're right. It's the Ferkian one.
Fušia: How the hell did you get your hands on a Ferkian athlete's handbook; they're supposed to protect those things with their lives! I don't know why, really, because the contents are totally innocuous, but whatever... so where did you get it?
Peregrina: I don't kiss and tell!
Pause.
Peregrina: Okay, well I do kiss, who am I kidding? But I still don't tell.
Pause.
Peregrina (excited): I stole it from one of their athletes when I got him to join the Mile-High Club back on the airplane!
Fušia reacts weirdly, half like she thinks it's funny; half like she's hurt.
Fušia: Awesome! I guess. Jesus, how did you fit in that bathroom? I mean, we flew on Fucking Cheapskate Airways and the lavatory on that plane had the square footage of a large club sandwich.
Peregrina: Huh?
Fušia: You said you joined the Mile-High Club with a Ferkian athlete.
Peregrina: Yeah, we switched seats without upsetting our tray tables! The Mile-High Club. Have you ever tried that? It's like the hardest thing ever.
Fušia: Wow, you're dumb.
Peregrina: But now that you mention it we did have se-
Fušia: Well, I think that concludes this episode of Grilled Brie for 3!!! Thanks for watching the show and join us... uh... I don't know when the next episode will be. Probably some time after the opening ceremony. Wish me luck! Otherwise I might drop the flag or something...
Peregrina: Bye guys!
. And the reason that the handbook is so secure is that certain pages which I have not yet typed out contain lots of..."interesting"...information regarding unofficial government policy.
