THE GRUNEBUCH by Josef Wortsagen
Josef Wortsagen is one of Hülkenberg's longest-tenured motorsports journalists, with a tendency to ramble excessively whilst occasionally splicing important - if sometimes incorrect - information inbetween. In keeping with the Herald's conservative readership, Josef maintains an adoration for the 'good old days' of motorsport, when drivers smoked excessively, got injured regularly, and had as much intercourse as humanly possible. Indeed, in this aspect he is a dinosaur among journalists, but for better or for worse he maintains enough paddock connections and reputation to remain relevant within the nation's motorsport circles.
Flying into a new country is always a sobering experience, particularly when you’re not sure what to expect. Crpostran was not a nation on my radar at the start of the year, but their recent push to get their own grand prix on the WGPC calendar has very quickly forced my hand. Perhaps through some form of bribery, the organisers have managed to secure the first test sessions of the year, hence why I’m on the move. Upon arrival at Montelago International Airport - its name adorned by one of the nation’s many national heroes, whose name escapes me as I write this - my bag was rather unjustly and unexpectedly seized by some rather forceful security people, and I was informed that it would be delivered to my hotel within the next three days. Despite my protests, I realised there was nothing I could do, and so I hailed a taxi to my hotel on the streets of Montelago, making sure to keep the clothes I was wearing as clean as possible, as I’d be wearing them to the tests. During my taxi ride, the driver was a rather lovely man named Tavish who had already ferried a few of the drivers to the same hotel as me. Notably, he pointed out that a diminutive blondie with a thick accent had flown in from Aboveland just yesterday, but did not share any association with Ælund Grand Prix, nor would they be attending with them. My understanding was that this could have been Nepö Kinder at a trial of some sort, but who knows - there could be millions of short girls testing for Ælund at this rate. Shortness is a very desirable trait among racing drivers, due to them carrying less weight and generally being able to fit inside cars without much adjustment required. At least, this was conventional wisdom until such things as Valentians came along. Size is now far less of a concern, but there remains a slim advantage to being short. For starters, taller teammates tend to prefer ones who are shorter, due to their utility as footstools, armrests, and garden gnomes. As someone on the shorter side myself, I find such practices demeaning and frankly a bit rude, but modern WGPC often fits this description anyway. Nonetheless, Tavish was also kind enough to engage in conversation revolving around his nation’s history. As a long-time motorsports journalist I never found myself engaging too often with the history of Crpostran, but to indulge this wonderful gentleman I obliged. A large part of it was your run of the mill historical stuff - “this is how our nation came to be”, “this was our most iconic leader”, et cetera, et cetera. Admittedly, I am ashamed to say, I almost fell asleep while this man rambled on, but the mention of a certain General Salazar Yezhvdi jolted me from my dazed state. A somewhat tyrannical and divisive figure amongst residents of the nation even today, General Salazar caught my attention more than your usual despot, but more on that later. I was fortunate enough to have managed to wrangle my way onto the same flight as Emmerich’s own Dario Nülkeschläger and a vast number of HMG staff making their way to the test. Notably, the debutant team would not be participating in the test due to non-confirmation of their driver lineup, but had flown in anyway to “get used to setting things up”. The team had, of course, hoped to have confirmed at least one driver by now, but are entirely dependent on the decisions of two teams ahead of them in the WGPC pecking order.
The first of these teams is Ælund, who are still deliberating between which driver of three to sign. Two of those drivers come from the Urotovsky-Gatutin lineup of yesteryear, with the team being far more interested in Adonis Fitzpatrick than vice-champion Skiia Vialiv. The third is Ted Pressley, who has found himself rather homeless with Kaylan’s departure from the grid. If you believe the rumour mill, HMG have made an offer to the young Tumbran - but he is understandably more enamoured with the prospects of racing for far more successful outfits. Clearly, he is confident in securing a third season in grand prix racing.
The other team is the aforementioned UrGa, who are also chasing the same trio of drivers, with the addition of Reçueçn’s Vincent Von Visp. For those unfamiliar with him, he is a staggeringly wealthy baron who would make the average person like you or I’s bank balance look pitiful by comparison. Much like the majority of the WGPC grid these days. The young Hülkenberger Nepö Kinder is also interested in the seat, having been the team’s reserve driver the year prior, but this interest is reportedly far more one-sided than that of the other four. Personally, I don't see what all the fuss is about, considering it was UrGa that initially sidelined her last season, but perhaps the title of 'AOGP Champion' has given her a dosage of Stockholm syndrome. I've always wondered where that term came from, given that there's no such thing as a "Stockholm"... perhaps a surname of sorts? Nevertheless, a curious situation.
HMG themselves are chasing a similar cohort of drivers to the other two - Kinder, Vialiv, Pressley, Von Visp - but seem to be fighting an uphill battle in this regard. The Vialiv interest comes as a surprise, especially considering the newcomer status that the team holds, but is understood to come as a part of the team’s partnership with tyre brand Tropicorp. Earlier rumours suggested that HMG’s ex-WGP2 driver Juracai Klianiota would be in pole position for a seat, but this seems to have died down. Nepö Kinder, despite being the somewhat obvious choice with her present HMG links (both familial and non-familial) and recent success, but the young starlet is yet to be convinced by the team’s capability to perform at this level. Understandably so, given their poor WGP2 campaign. Of course, if the three drivers mentioned were all signed by UrGa, Ælund, or perhaps a plucky outsider such as Piers Ivchenko, this would leave Adonis Fitzpatrick on the market, who has reportedly exchanged details with HMG staff… silly season it is indeed.
A large component of this silly season has been spearheaded by Angela Stella Tan Fang Ling - and may I be the first to say, a very warm welcome back to the grid! A very difficult first season does not seem to have dissuaded her, which is wonderful to see. The announcement that the Valentian had been picked up by Preston Autos came as a surprise to many, perhaps none moreso than Nik Hazrin Lutfi - whom an inside source had reported as next in line during their in-house tests. Despite impressing many across a variety of tests, the driver from Sharktail has not received any kind of offer. Perhaps one HMG, or any other team for that matter, should be looking at…
There are many relics of General Salazar Yezhvdi’s rule scattered around this nation. Many of the mountains in the region bear the scars of progress, Crpostran’s mining industry being a major component of its economy. Another of them is located not far from the circuit - a weapons factory, used effectively throughout General Salazar’s reign as a show of power and repression. Nowadays, the factories mostly meet the demands of the nation’s growing military, but there's a loud minority - particularly those of the older variety - who want them torn down, for fear that devoted followers of the General will rise again and strip them of their rights that liberal democracy has given them. For now, however, this does not appear to be the case. I certainly didn't feel as such, anyway, considering whilst walking down the city's streets I had a distinct lack of guns being pointed at my face. This was ideal, as any gunshots would almost certainly ruin my dapper attire. Montalego is Crpostran’s sixth largest city, making it smaller than just five other cities in the nation. If you thought that was obvious from the statistic I had literally just provided, you would be entirely correct. I, however, do not care, as I have found on occasion that city sizes tend to differ from what is actually stated, For starters, is the measurement in terms of population or in boundaries? I do not know where Montelago's city limits are, but I'm sure those could come into consideration. All of this fluttered through my massive brain, my synapses pulsing as I pondered on-site at the Montelago International Circuit. Unlike most modern-day circuits based in petro-states, I find this circuit to be rather pleasant. There is some inclination between turns seven and ten, which makes braking into turn eight quite precarious. I saw this for myself when Dario locked up and nearly found himself skating off the circuit, but he used his car control to keep his new Pressley machine from disintegrating upon impact. Speaking of Dario, his performances over the two days in Crpostran have been rather a relief for the Tumbran outfit - they skipped over a lot of potential candidates for the seat when they snapped up the Hülkenberger, but their faith seems to have paid off as he put the PRE-025 in the top ten in both sessions, narrowly missing out on the top spot by a hundredth of a second in session one. There was more good news for Pressley-Kim Racing when Nini Johnsilvaturr topped the final day, having also finished in the top ten in both sessions, both things perhaps being omens of good things to come. On the opposite end of the spectrum was Preston, who baffled everyone when their cars were around six and eleven seconds off the pace in the first session. Things improved in session two, perhaps giving relevance to suggestions that the cars were running on the lowest of engine settings with the highest of fuel loads, but their cars were still hanging around on the lower echelons of the timing sheets. Work to do back home in Hapilopper, to be sure. At the end of the day, that's what testing is all about: figuring things out, getting used to new drivers, new tracks, and new experiences over all. I remember covering a test session of yesteryear when a certain Linco McPahan was still a prominent participant in grand prix motor racing, whereupon afterwards myself and a group of drivers all took to the streets to sample the local drinks offerings. As I've aged quite significantly since then, such a thing did not appear to be on the cards, but I did enjoy a few sips of a local lager at a nearby bar following a fruitful few days of testing. I have to say, I've enjoyed my time here. I'd quite like to come back if the opportunity arises - Grand Prix of Crpostran has a nice ring to it...
Meanwhile, at HMG Grand Prix
Jöhan Turbringer found himself once again sat at his desk, twiddling his thumbs, and lobbing scrunched up pieces of paper towards the waste basket across the room. Occasionally they'd hit the rim of the bin and go in, which made him cheer loudly. This made onlookers suspect he had actually managed to sign a driver for the upcoming season - which of course, he hadn't. Lost in his own thoughts, he continued to dawdle until the phone on his desk rang, startling him.
"Hallo? Wie heissen Sie?"
"Jöhan, it's Adrian. I've just got word that Pressley's been offered a pretty lucrative deal."
"Aw FUCK!"
"Listen, listen, it's all going to work out. You know how Tropicorp have been angling to get one of their drivers into our car?"
"It would be a pretty large downgrade from Pressley to Klianiota."
"Here's the thing. It's not Klianiota they're wanting."
"Then who?"
"Vice-Champion Skiia Vialiv."
Jöhan spat out his coffee, coating his screen.
"You must be fucking joking. We could get Vialiv? In OUR car?"
"Essentially, yes."
"Then why didn't they respond to our trial email? Are we their last hope at a grid spot or something?"
"If UrGa tell them to pound sand, Skiia Vialiv could be yours in time for the next test. All we have to do is strike when the iron is hot."
"Hmm... intriguing. Anything else?"
"Got word that a certain Donny Fitzpatrick and Billy Archer are also on the look-out for seats."
"What, in general?!"
"Yep. One could be yours if you nail it. Imagine this: HMG Grand Prix, with two extremely talented, WGPC-experienced drivers at the wheel. How does that sound?"
"I can only get so excited. How? HOW?"
"Well, the catch is that you already offered a seat to Vincent Von Visp, so now that Pressley's heading elsewhere he's next in line."
"Is Ted's deal done? Can we convince him at all?"
"Pffffffff. A former title-winning outfit or HM-fucking-G. I'm sure you can try!"
"Hmph. Could Vincent go elsewhere instead?"
"He seems particularly attached to UrGa, but otherwise who knows. Plus, we can't forget, Kinder still lacks a seat."
"Why should we care about Kinder? She doesn't seem to want to drive for us at all!"
"She's my daughter, for crying out loud. I want her here, but more importantly I want her on the grid. If UrGa don't sign her, I don't see anyone else doing so."
"Then why did you mention Vialiv-Fitzpatrick?"
"To grab your attention, really."
"I'm extremely lost. Can we sign Skiia Vialiv or not?"
"You can if you like. Get the contract drafted, I'll contact Tropicorp, and we'll see if we can get something sorted."
Adrian hung up the call, and Jöhan swiftly got to work, bashing the keyboard until something resembling a contract came out the other end, and fired off the email as soon as possible. Skiia Vialiv had been offered a seat at HMG Grand Prix.
Montelago International Circuit
Crpostran
Despite not having a seat, Nepö sought to make a good impression by turning up for the tests anyway and seeing if any teams would be willing to discuss the possibility of her driving for them. She'd just gotten in from the Ælund test she had selfishly invited herself to, and despite failing to make enough inroads to be offered the seat, she arrived in Crpostran brimming with confidence. Of course, she would soon have to make her way to the UrGa trials, just as she had tried last year, but for now the majority of her focus and attention was on the here and the now - i.e. getting into talks ASAP. She had been at several tests thus far, and hadn't managed to make much of an impression in any of them, albeit with slight successes in the KISMO test. There were no offers on the table, and it was time to get a move on. That was, at least, until her agent called her up to tell her some news.
"You know how you were fobbing off HMG until you had nothing else left?"
"I wouldn't put it exactly like that, but yes."
"They've offered two people drives at their team."
Her heart sank.
"What, seriously?"
"Yep. Vialiv and Von Visp. Quadruple-V, as I like to call it."
"...so what you're telling me is that if I flop at these UrGa tests I'm done for?"
"Well, I wouldn't say 'done for', but you'd be in a rather precarious situation, yes."
"What else is left?"
"Race Eelandii, Piers Ivchenko, obviously UrGa..."
"Don't Viska and PB have seats free?"
"Nah. Offered 'em out. Good luck with finding a team in Crpostran, though! You'll need it!"
The line went dead, and her face went white.
"Shit."
